"Like" That.

I'ma pimp him. It's over, man. - Jay-Z Is That Yo Chick.

       This is why I didn't want him to be my Facebook friend. We broke up. & it was initially about money. So he posted his status as shown above.  I saw it. So, I liked the muthafucka. Not because I was upset, rather, because I agreed. Why am I worried about him when I should be out making money? Or something like that. However I understood at that moment, I liked it. So I clicked it. Like a regular "friend" right? Wrong. Women tell themselves this because we're "always right" when in reality I should have just left him alone. A mature woman would have left him alone. But... this is the experience in which I learned. It won't happen again. Since then, he won't stay off my wall. I went out with my sister & co. the other night & did what any normal person does when they get home, they update the internet about how much more awesome their life is in comparison to these digital "friends." 

        "Fantastic night <3," I posted. The next day, he blessed me with a "You ain't do shit," Comment underneath. Three of them. IDK how it showed up three times but it did. So I commented back. I went on about how glamorous my night was partying at the W and walking around times square with 6-inch heels on wearing blood red-lipstick inspired by Lanvin's Spring 2011 collection. I also told him about how I met a sweet boy who goes by the name "Fly" and walked me all the way home that night. Then I remembered that I want nothing to do with him. 

       If you don't want a guy to talk to you, don't talk to him. I've ignored his texts thus far. & it seems like he's gotten the hint until I liked his bitch-ass status. So 53 minutes after I responded to his comment (oh, I also told him to refrain from vulgarity on my page) I deleted my comments along with his. My page was now Piss Boy free. I  don't want any trace of a conversation between us. But he presses on. After I deleted his comments, he posted again. Either he wanted to be a dick and try to play me like I wasn't enjoying myself, or he's really thirsty for my attention. I don't want to encourage him to keep speaking to me. In fact, I want to discourage him. Sometimes, we keep men in the rotation simply to avoid being alone. But you can't control how you feel about them. We end up treating these guys like trash and just bringing them along for the ride. We ruin them. You know when a man is no longer meant for you. When nothing good will come of it. But you selfishly keep him anyway. And really it's not just the woman's fault. Guys, you let  us do it. You keep calling. Keep begging for shitty treatment. When we're with you, we can do whatever we want. Say whatever we want. If we're lucky, we can have whatever we want. That is why we abuse you: because we can. 

       Having me around wouldn't be healthy for him. Now, I could find a way to get some red on the bottoms of my shoes (as its the ultimate goal for the cold-hearted woman) but I actually liked him a tad. If left to my own devices, I would abuse him. Because I can. Because I have. It's easy, really. I know what to say when and how to say it. So anything I've said for him to get upset at his been either on purpose or out of plain "Don't give a fuck." Either way, it's not good for him. And I really shouldn't take advantage of men like that. It is  wrong. Still, some men want to be abused. If he reads this and still wants to take me out, I can do so with a clear conscience. I'm not hiding the fact that I like to be taken out and bought things. Everyone wants those things. Most girls hide it. Most girls are too afraid to admit that a pair of shoes can make them happy. But let's be real, they do. When I get home, I change into a pair of shoes I can't wear to work. So I can feel pretty. That's what I like. The shit makes me happy and I only do shit which will make me happy.  I was honest with him. And he didn't like that. 

      Sadly, I didn't love him. I would manufacture ways in my mind for us to work out... but should one really force love? He read my blog once and said he felt like he was just around till You came back. & he's right. I'm not exactly thrilled about it... but he's right. There's nothing I can do about where my heart is (even and especially if it's in a dumb place). So until the day when I get exactly who I want: 

 I don't love 'em, I abuse them. & I don't miss them when I lose them. 

At least I'm strong enough to admit it. 

(If this was Facebook, you'd "Like" that shit. lol. Matter fact, you should post this blog on your Facebook. Muchas gracias!!)

 At the end of the day, though, he pee'd in my cups. You can't come back from that. 

My Little Boy[Friend]

     Fully employed, he says. Salaried, he adds on. Even has health insurance so we can go get checked up together. Spends so much cash & time I almost forgot he lives with his momma. Not to mention, he waits on women to buy his clothes & shoes & dress him. To top it off, he pee's in cups when no one is looking. 

    Maybe it's because he's a nurse. Maybe he's used to seeing piss sit around. But everything in me wanted to hold him by his neck and rub his face in it. What the fuck is wrong with you? I wanted to asked  through clenched teeth. But I at there. Looking at the cups. Fill of piss. Earlier that night, I had woken up and say them there. I wondered why they were full. I had just bought a brand new bottle of Apple juice so I thought to myself, I know this nigga didn't pour two full cups of apple juice. When we officially woke up, and I asked him, "What is that?" he readily answered the question.

"I had to piss," he said laughing.

"You couldn't use the bathroom?"

"There was someone in there."

"And you couldn't wait?"

"I had to piss."

"So you pee'd in my cups?"

"I had to piss."

"And you left the shit there for me to wake up to? For me wake up to piss in my cups? Why would you pee in my cups?" I was trying to be nice. I needed to know. "I don't know," he said. Which is the stupidest shit a grown man could say. What the fuck do you mean 'you don't know'. That's something a little kid says. "Why'd you jump off that tree, Billy." "I don't know, mom." That I can expect. But then you can ground the kid. Put him on timeout.  Maybe even smack  'em up a little if you're into that (I encourage discipline, not abuse). Here was this grown as man behaving like a child. I had no choice but to treat him like one. 

"Empty that shit out. I can't have piss on my desk." He got up and tired to balance the pissy cups to the bathroom sinks. 

"In the kitchen. Under the sink. There's a bottle of Fantastic. You gotta clean that shit up."He did as told. Came back carelessly spraying it every which way. 

     "Be careful that's bleach," I barked at him. Listen. I wasn't playing anymore. I didn't want to be nice anymore. I needed to disinfect everything. I'm telling you. I even had to buy new cups. I couldn't look at the cups as they sat in the sink. It was mean, but it was deserved. He told me once before that I tend to talk down to people --and for good fuckin reason. When I don't, they urinate in my dish-ware. 

       What the fuck is wrong with him? No like... seriously. What kind of person pee's in somebody's cups? & not just somebody, a girl he's dating. & we just started  dating. Is this what happens when you become a guy's girlfriend. Watchout. This brotha needs to be put on a "DO NOT BRING HOME" list. I needed to know: How could this happen? What could posses him? I couldn't wrap my head around it. & when I told my cousin about it, she couldn't stop pointing out places he could have pee'd instead. The Pinesol bottle, she proposed. How about the window? I asked her. I have 3 and they all open. What's next? Shit on my plates? 

       "I want you to tell your mother what you did," I told him. He took it as a joke, but I was serious. I needed someone to be as upset at him as I was. As ashamed and disgusted. As embarrassed and appalled. He came back & said she just looked at him like he was crazy. That's it? She didn't say anything? She had no thoughts about how maybe she might have raised you better? Or is she aware that she didn't? Is this okay to her?  Or is this shit you do all the time? What kind of man are you? What kind of woman is she? This is when I realized that not only do I not want anything to do with him, I don't want anything to do with her either. Mothers matter, man. They matter more than you realize. And from this revelation, I noticed something else... I couldn't ever be parents with him.

In layman's terms, I don't want his babies. 

NEXT POST: Not My Baby Daddy

When the Piss Fills the Cup.

        

Picture cred: http://thedeafsage.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/shit-hits-the-fan.jpg?w=300&h=121

      A lot of shit has happened. Mainly, I'm single again. I was in a relationship for approximately 3 days last week & I'm excited to tell you all about it. If you've read my blog before, you know that 3 days of excitement leaves a month worth of posts, and I assure you, there is much to follow. 

    Truth be told, I don't want to be alone. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing. Is it wrong to want one person to yourself? Or should I say, "Fuck the world. I don't need anyone." Or do I need more than just one and fuck the whole world? I'm sure you know which route I chose. I didn't want to be one the side. I never do. & I always follow my own rules (Rule #1, Never be #2). Funny thing about that post is... that same guy ended up being my boyfriend (lol... he cant really count, tho). In retrospect, I should have guessed this wouldn't end well, but I'm a sucker for boys with degrees on their walls, business cards in their wallets and money in the bank. And he certainly put in his all to make me feel like #1. 

    He wasn't terrible. Actually, he was super sweet. He was fun. Had a pretty smile. Took charge. Held his own like a man and made me feel like his lady. He dealt with my attitude (most of time & believe me, that's a skill) like most others pretend to. He did a lot. Took me out when I wanted. Bought me Fudge Striped cookies for my late night munchies and had an L rolled every morning. But over all, I think I wore him out. More so, I think he wasn't used to someone like me --someone used to men like him. 

     Here's what "happened" according to him. Someway, somehow, I blurted out how I wouldn't date him if he didn't take me out. He got "upset" and didn't want to talk anymore. He went on about how that was a fucked up statement to make blah blah... 

"Don't fuck with me then," I told him simply. 

"I won't. I don't," He responded.

Click, went my phone. 

Then... he texted me this, verbatim: 

"I remember I bought those shoes for you and I thought you were going to return the gesture to make an impression on me that you care about how I look but your too willing to not do anything for me but cook a meal that I NEVER ask for."

LMFAO. Then I reminded him those shoes were for my birthday. Why would I "return the gesture" when your birthday isn't until.. ummm.. December-ish? I told him those home cooked meals don't buy themselves. That spinach omelet didn't make itself. & that frozen french toast didn't toast itself! That's why I don't cook for niggas forreal. lmao. Ungrateful bastards! Oh.. & check this [excuse me, because I think this is all hilarious. I feel like..... I THINK I NEED A BARBEEERRR. NONE OF THIS NIGGAS CAN FADE MEEEE. lmao.]

"oh well, I get you a birthday gift and you think you deserved it? I barely knew [you] but I knew I liked you so I wanted to do something nice for you. You don't do anything for me besides make me food I DON'T ask for."

Fuck. He hates  my food. lol. Well... hey, I do, too. That's why I like to be taken out to eat :)

     I'm not sure why he wanted to spend money on me. That's his problem, though. Sometimes I felt like it was because he wanted to. Other times, I didn't think much of it, I simply assumed he understood his role as a man. Eventually though, there were requests for other things only certain women get paid for. I tried to be good him. & since I couldn't return the favor in the way he asked, I decided I'd get on my game and become a woman for him. You know.. the whole cook, clean, laundry thing. But apparently, that wasn't enough. I thought that's what he wanted. I thought he'd appreciate it. Nope. I didn't expect it to happen this way. I didn't expect him to ask me to buy him things and spend money on him. That was the last thing I expected. Truthfully, I figured maybe he wanted more head. (lol) But, I'm more of a man than he is, obviously. 

    But in any "breakup", there's the reason you break up and the real reason you break up. Because, in any break up, there's one person who wants more, and the other has to decide its done. This time around, it's me. & I'm only saying that because I know I can have him back if I want him. How do I know? Because he left his watch at my place. So he's been texting me for it... but the "goodnight" text message that accompanied shouldn't have been sent. Never mind his posting on my wall. 

THE REAL REASONS
The list below are both the reasons why it didn't work and why I'll never go back.  
I'll eventually link them to posts explaining each. Give me some time ;) 



1.  He doesn't want to take me out to eat anymore. & when a man complains about spending money, it's because he has way less that he makes out. & I'm not here to hear about his financial issues. I have my own. Sorry, I'm not a "ride or die". I work hard & survive. I don't have time to monitor someone else's financials. That's what an accountant is for.

2. He expects me to buy him things. For that, I'll either date a hot chick or have a kid.
 He's not my son to raise.

3. His Penis. (You'll want to read this one.)

4. He's not the man I want.

5. I can abuse him too easily.

6. He's not famous.

7.  He pee'd in my cups.
(Yep. Piss. In my drinking glasses.)
& There's no coming back from that.
The icing on the fucking cake, huh? 

Stay Tuned, y'all. My life; your entertainment. 

She's So Fine.

    

       

          So here's the situation: He fucked up. He doesn't know it, but he did. And you're upset. And you try not to be. Because you don't really want to argue, but that's the only way this is going to happen. You want to tell him how you feel but you don't want to come off as jealous/angry/stupid/insecure/immature or, the all-time favorite, crazy. But its how you feel and as you hold it in, you feel like it's going to kill you. You don't say anything, but it comes through in your every action even if you try not to. You come off one of two ways: Angry or sad. It just depends on what happened. If you're angry, you say nothing because you might just say something you'll regret (which happens most of the time) and nothing inyou wants to hurt his feelings but when a woman feels like being a bitch, a bitch she will be. But if you're sad, you'd rather not say anything because it hurts to talk about it and you're trying to figure out what to say. You don't want to accuse him of anything or make him upset, but there's a thought lingering in your mind that you simply can't shake and it controls your every action. 

        This blog does a couple of things. First, it allows me to stand on a makeshift, digital pedestal and report the world my overflowing acumen. In other words, I get to pretend to be famous, brilliant and famously brilliant. Secondly, I get to help others. So if I recognize an issue I think should be examined in detail, I can do that for them. When a girlfriend of mine has an issue, I can't help but to think I should blog about that. (I'd like to apologize for that now.) But mostly, it's because it's a thought I have as well. But this way, I can provide a removed insight as I attempt to maintain diplomacy. It's my philanthropic mission: help females (and whoever else needs it) fight the mental struggles rarely addressed. I'm a modern-day philosopher of sorts. The Great Ella? lol.. Seriously though, & most importantly, is that this blog helps me help myself and pretend it's you. 

         I'm fine, you say. Perhaps to avoid drama. Maybe because you simply want him to baby you and make you feel like he cares about your every emotion -- whether consciously or unconsciously, this is a feeling that simply can't be compared to any other. And sometimes, when you argue, it's the only time you know that he cares. It's when you can see if how you feel affects him. You notice how he reacts and take that as a direct signifier of how he feels. It's undoubtedly correlated so you see no wrong in doing this. Silently you sit, judging him. Having a secret meltdown he's completely unaware of until it builds up and you finally break down. You are not fine. The "I'm Fine" has got to go. It's got to stop. You need to let him know how you feel. I know we're scared that it'll end up badly, but what possibly can go wrong if you just tell him how you feel when you feel it? I'm tired of holding shit in. I can't do it anymore. I don't care what it is. It's not fair for anyone If you address the situation in the moment, you'll both be clear on what just happened. There won't be any "remember when" or "the other day". You should address it as soon as it happens. & there's a way to do it, I think. 

       Instead of flipping out, you should talk. Think of any situation. Any one. From cheating to him speaking over you. All you should have to say is, "I didn't like that." Slowly and quietly. And I'm sure he'll listen. He'll say "didn't like what?" and you can respond by saying the following:

"I didn't like the when you _______ because it made me feel _________. The reason is __________."  

     Now, this is assuming you have an adult relationship. If you're a yeller, if he's a yeller, or you both just have a really hard time having normal conversation, my method probably won't work for you. And granted, this might not work for everyone. You have to learn how to have a conversation first. My problem? I don't "yield." I willingly give my point but would rather not give the opposition the chance to rebut. That's not how you have a conversation and that's something I'm personally working on. But I the only reason I have time to work on that is because I took the time to work on actually speaking.

        I no longer pretend to be fine. Because if I'm upset, even wrongly so,  something is wrong. I shouldn't be upset. Not to say that you won't get upset, I understand people are bound to have disagreements, but I believe that those disagreements need to be hashed out immediately rather than sit and marinate. & This goes for all of the feelings. If you say you forgive someone, you forgive them. The conversation is over and done with. The more you hang onto being upset, the worse it will be for you. Sometimes you really just have to let shit go. Mistakes are made. You've got to understand that. 

        I am no exception. The reason I'm writing this now is not only for you guys, but for myself as well. Because I reread my own writing. I find my own solutions are the best for me. & perhaps the next time I get into a place where I feel like saying "I'm fine," I'll remember this post and consciously change my actions and hopefully handle the situation in a manner that is beneficial to my relationships. & I mean all relationships: friends, family and fun-partners. I feel like if those people care about you like you care about them, it should be okay for you to be upset about something. It should be okay to have the conversation. Even more so, it should be required to have the conversation as to address anything that might cause a rift in that particular relationship. 

       I didn't say a word. But the thoughts were running through my head. The thoughts I laid out for you in Relationships: Crisis Management. The truth is, we haven't been seeing each other long, but we've been having fun. But all of a sudden you get the that point where you get upset about things. You try not to, and you feel like you don't even have the right to... but you're human. You have emotions. & anyone who isn't okay with you having emotions about how you interact with them can't possibly care about you. So I've been trying to manage this in a new way. Attempting to find a method that works. I know that every couple fights, but how do the good couples fight? I don't want a throwing-punches relationship. I've been there. I don't want a yelling and no one listening relationship. Had that, too. I also don't want a forgive-me-now-hold-it-against-me-later relationship. That one sucked the most. I want a we-both-actually-care relationship. Wherein my partner allows me the freedom to express every one of my emotional/jealous/intense/crazy/jumped-to-conclusions opinions and handles them accordingly. 

       I don't know how a guy should respond yet. But my guess at this point is just hear her out. Let her talk. No matter how dumb it is. No matter how wrong she is. Because she might have interpreted a situation wrong or blown it out of proportion, but that doesn't make her pain any less valid. You hurt us without knowing. And sometimes, it's the simplest shit. And while we shouldn't take it so seriously we do. Because it's you. And anything having to do with you is supremely important and all we really want is for you to feel the same about us. Sadly, going "crazy" is how we express our affection. Sorry guys. Oh... but if you don't know what to do, remember this: She's always right. Not because she's right, but because if you like/love her... you should feel like everything in her pretty little world should be right. 

     Speaking of crazy... the reason I think you should let it out asap is because you actually do drive yourself crazy. You let this idea run around in your head and play with your emotions and stress you out and then you take it out on him and he has no idea why because you won't tell him and you have to see how that must be irritating. And it irritates them. So it's not that he doesn't care about how you feel or that he's being rude... it's that you are being annoying. & I can be really annoying. Think of it this way: If he were out with his friends, his friends wouldn't be sitting around all emotional. Neither would his family. And he'd surely be stress free if her were just chillin home alone. I think this is why guys are never looking for a "girlfriend." Because stress comes with the territory so they try to avoid that for as long as possible. But you both know that if you catch feelings, there's no bypassing the drama. But I'm certain there is a way to limit it. It's okay to get emotional, just don't do the shit all the time. No one wants that all the time. Even your girlfriends will get tired of hearing you talk/complain about the same guy. Luckily, I blog ;) 

      I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in order to truly be fine, you have to allow yourself to not be fine. Like... in my trying to employ this logic in my own relationships, I've found myself to be more at peace. I have less on my mind. I'm not bogged down by some "issue". Instead, I'm free to just live. And I don't have a reason to be mad at him for more than a couple minutes. & whenever he leaves, I try to make sure he leaves happy, or at least knowing that I care. That I'll get over it soon. That if I'm upset with him and I want to talk it out, it's not because I hate him and want to argue, rather because I adore him and want to fix this. Ladies, you should never let your man leave the house angry. Someone else might gladly cheer him up. And even if that girl isn't all that great, if even she's second-rate,  it's better than being with a pretty girl who does nothing but argue all the time. So if you don't have time to talk and make amends before he leaves, give him a kiss, grab his junk... something. Something to make him smile. & it might make you smile. Better yet, just smile. Give him something to make him look forward to coming back. Because if he leaves angry, and that's the last feeling he has of you, that's the feeling he'll anticipate upon returning. ho in their right mind wants that? 

      That's all I've got for today. Hope it works for someone. More importantly, I hope it works for me. 

xoxox, 

Ella 

Relationships: Crisis Management.

         Just some sunshine in mind. Looking fine as ever. She got a mouth on her --wooo -- she put some words together. Sometimes make a nigga wanna leave, but when we make up....Jay-Z & R. Kelly,  "Break Up"

      I've been a bitch. It happens sometimes, right? For some reason --one beyond your control-- everything he does is irritating. I mean... not really irritating on a larger scale. Whatever it is, it wouldn't have ticked you off on a normal day, but today... that was all it took. I had a smart response for everything. Aggravated with everything. There was once a time when I'd have let this control me. But I was consciously trying to be nice. Consciously debating myself, trying to determine if I really had a reason to be upset. & this is where my "Unstable Creature" characteristics kicked in. I'd get pissed off and think, Why am I pissed off, come to realize it was for no reason and I shouldn't treat him like this, so I switch over to nice. And perhaps too nice as I'm trying to counteract myself and my current attitude.

        It's harder than you think --Being nice. It takes a lot of extra effort that I'd have otherwise reserved for myself.   I'm going through my own thing right now. My mind is trying to figure out my own life and how I feel about certain situations that, truly, make me upset. And these sentiments get transferred over into whatever else Im doing --unfortunately him -- and I take it out on him, too. But it's not his fault. It's not his fault I came back from a weekend (or day) away upset, confused and lost. Thats something I have to handle. But, ususally, I handle it by being a bitch. *shrugs* And if Im in a bad mood --and alone-- I might just soak my feet. Do my hair. Do a little yoga. I only got two of those three yesterday and, goddammit, I could use some yoga. But that's not his fault either. I knew I was a little peeved when I invited him over. Although he was nothing but a sweetheart. He gave up the Heat vs Bulls game to lay in bed with me and watch The Food Network. (To which he told me, "If I'm not here, and you're watching TV, this is what you should be watching," because I've been having ummm... trouble... in the kitchen, lately.) His presence, although secretly irritating, was only there because I had requested it. And because he, for some odd reason, tries to give me what I want. 

         Good guys don't deserve that. & if you ever, in the middle of a bitch fit, think this, you should try to change how you're acting. That's what I'm attempting to do. Yesterday was the second time I was in that mood around him, but it was the first time I watched him be so unhappy. I know why he stays around, but I also know why he'd leave. And that's the scary part. I can push him away. And I might. If I don't straighten up. I know Im not alone in this thought. This perverse method of dealing with me. At least I hope I'm not. It's not that there's anything wrong with him, it's just a... mood. It's like, I'm ready. Ready to fight. Ready to argue. I don't know if it's because I'm already hurting or aggravated from something that has nothing to do with him, but I'm irritable beyond explanation. & I get simultaneously more selfish. I think about me and only me. And how much I'm aggravated. And how to come back at everything he says. I'm ready to point out his every mistake.... And that's fucked up. 

      He shouldn't have to deal with that. I know it. He knows it. & that only worsens the situation. Now my mind is running wild and I'm still paying too close attention him. I'm reading into his every action. I'm taking offense to things I was once okay with. He walks over to his folded pants and rummages through the pockets. He removes his phone and starts pressing buttons. Text message, I think. From a bitch, I add on. (Females are always "bitches" when I'm upset.) But I let it slide. I can feel my heart sink, but I say nothing. I just pretend I don't care. Not that I don't see it, but I put on the front that I don't give a damn who he talks to. Which, in turn, translates into I don't gave a damn about him. So I treat him that way. To show him that I don't give a fuck. That he can't hurt me. That he can do whatever he wants and so will I. My language emits the same tone. I talk down to him. I treat him like nobody because I want to show him how it feels to be nobody to me. That I can easily let him go and he can send a mass text message all the bitches he knows and let them know he's up for grabs. Because he "ain't my man" and I let him know that at every turn as if I'm happy about it. As if that's the way that I want it. 

     All the while... it hurts. What fails to be seen through this charade --by both him and myself-- is how much it hurts. How I already decided upon a story about how he met this girl and now, when I'm treating him poorly, he's going to run to her and give her everything that's supposed to be reserved for me and she's going to like it and treat him nice and he's going to like that and treat her the same and eventually... I'll be another girl he has the "Where did we go wrong" conversation with. This is the "[crazy] in love," I talked about before.  This is what men don't like. It's the random shit that's in our heads. It's the stories we come up with that solidify his guilt before he knows it and might, simultaneously, drive him to perform those same acts we accuse him of. This morning I said nothing. I woke up with the same attitude. He was as sweet as he always is and maybe even more so. But he was unhappy. And I saw it on his face, and I can't say that I was happy either. And at this moment, a descision needs to be made. Do I keep this up? Because, in reality, whatever this issue is, it's my fault. 

    ohh.. rewind. So I came back to the city from a day trip home to Rhode Island. Due to traffic, my sister couldn't drop me off at my place. So instead of being home 2-ish, I didn't get home until 4pm (I hate the PATH train). It was a long ride after a long day, and really, all I wanted to do was lay in his arms (that's the truth) but I knew I'd have to explain why my phone had been off this whole time before he came to see me -- because had his phone been off like mine was, it'd have been a... ummm... fuckin problem. But after a long day, I was tired and wasn't sure I wanted to have... relations and I was sure he'd press up and I'd have to brush him off somehow because all I really wanted to do was lay in my bed. Speaking of my bed, as I walked to my apartment, I wondered if he'd made the bed. I hadn't asked him to, but I assumed he probably didn't. He probably left my room however he wanted to with absolutely no regard for me and how tired I'd be when I got back. I was ready to call him and tell him how inconsiderate he was before I even saw it. 

    & that was me. Pre-Irritated. I hadn't even spoken to him. There's no way he could have done something wrong. But I was upset anyways. I walked into the house and opened my bedroom door. There was my bed. Made. Looking like a man made it, but made none the less lol. & The dishes in the sink like I had asked him to. I called him. He picked up. He was the sweetest man in the world.  That's what I like about him. He does things for me. All around, I mean. He does more for me that he has to because, in reality, he actually has to. He gives me more than I deserve. When I'm a bitch to him, he's nicer to me. I get through and aggravate him at times, but he's never really angry with me. He never dismisses me. What does he really do? He sits quietly with his head hanging. Silently doubting how I told him I feel for him. I saw him do it. & he has a right to. After all the times I tell him how much I like him, I'm surely not acting like it. Maybe he feels like he's wasting his time. Maybe he feels like I'm happier elsewhere. Or that I am elsewhere. And he's going to think that way when he leaves me, too. 

     8am is too early for an argument. Sometimes, I manage to pull it off. But today, I was too confused in how I felt to speak to him. He woke up to iron his clothes (because I said I wouldn't do it. I said I don't have time in the morning --which is true-- but honestly, I just don't want to) while I made his tea & toasted his bagel. I was trying to be half nice. But when I came back in the room and I saw the phone in his hand slip into his pocket, I automatically sprung back to the bitches thoughts. Someone is getting my "good morning" texts, my mind went on. 

He's thinking of someone else right now. 

He doesn't want to be here. 

He doesn't want to be here with me. 

He doesn't want me. 

He's going to leave.  

     Fellas: If you're girl is every showing signs of "[crazy] in love," this is really what's going on in her head. We've already foreseen it all. We think you're going to leave. Maybe not right now. Maybe not tomorrow. But eventually. You're going to be like every other guy and one of those girls you call "hoe" around me is going to get a hold of you. You're going to like her on your free time, we think. Because maybe I'm too much. & some of us are, myself included. I know it's a pain to be nicer to a girl that she deserves. To combat her bitchiness with charm... but that's what it takes. It's not that I want to walk all over a guy. But  I want to know that he can deal with me. Because I'm a bitch sometimes. & I don't mean to be. But... what if you leave me? That's what I'm thinking: What if he leaves me? I need you to tell me you won't leave me. 

     There's one thing about me that has changed over the years: My attitude. & perhaps it is maturity. I can't say I don't make mistakes anymore, but I know they are mistakes when I make them and I am more ready to admit that, attempt to prevent them or rectify the situation asap. I've gotten into this swing before with ex's and, truth be told, once you let it get a hold of you, there's no turning back. Once you start the yelling and complaining and shit talking, it's difficult to get rid of it when you've let it run wild. So I'm trying to put out the flames before it becomes an inferno. I know I'm difficult to manage now, but he's never seen me at full strength. And I don't want him to. I'm learning to be more considerate. I'm learning to see him as an individual person as opposed to a guy that I'm dating who now belongs to me. He doesn't belong to me... but he kinda does. & I need to find a balance for that. I need to treat him with respect. He deserves that much. & he's honestly amazing to me --when I don't deserve it and he's spectacular when I do. Remember I told you all that my ex said I didn't deserve as much as I think I do when he left me? (Yea... I umm... will hold that against him forever.) Well, you know what... the new guy gives me more that I think I deserve. And that's the way it should be. Because when I act up, I have no justification for my actions. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me want to change my attitude.  Because I want to repay him. And although my pride (and fear) holds me back, I want to do everything for him. I want him happy. I love him happy. And he deserves more than what I give him. It's me who's falling short. 

       I need to decrease my swag. Sometimes I swag out and don't treat him like I should. That's a man. He should be treated like one. I don't have time to iron his clothes and make him breakfast in the morning [never mind a real breakfast], but someday I hope to. And frequently I want to. This all takes work... but, I think that I need to be more considerate to him. Actually, women --black women in particular-- we need to be more considerate. He jokingly tells me I need to tend more to my "womanly duties" and although we both laugh, we both know it's true. I need to mature to that point and I think many females do, too. We sometimes go into a relationship thinking that the other person should already be there, when we're not there ourselves. I can't keep expecting him to do all his "manly" requirements if I won't tend to my own chores. Similarly, he can't expect me to learn how to do these things if he pulls back on how good he is to me because then I'll think he doesn't "deserve" for me to go the extra mile for him. I need time. I need to learn how to work this. I'm so used to being all about me that it's hard to figure him in. but I'm trying. I think a woman should try. I'm all for gender roles & he is too. But whatever "role" you take in your relationship, you expect the other person to play a role as well. The only way for this production to turn out well is if each person plays the role they're responsible for. 

     Today, I learned that I need to play my role better. More lady, less bitch. Because I might just push  him into the arms of another. I can't expect him to be happy if I keep treating him like that. & I can't expect him to be content with me and just me if he's unhappy. I don't want him to be unhappy. I'd never seen him like that. Instead of getting mad at me for being a bitch all day, he got mad that the pizza place delivered the wrong pizza. He was so upset that it was half funny. But he's normally so mild mannered that it... scared/upset me to see him like that. People shouldn't be unhappy. If your relationship is already in a place where you're  unhappy, I'm unsure of if that can be fixed. But if you are starting to be irritated, you need to address the problem immediately before it heads south. Think of it as "crisis management". I just never want to go there again. Once you get into the fighting and the screaming and the crying, I don't think there's ever any coming back. At least, I've never been able to in my experience. 

      There is a temporary solution. A relationship aspirin of sorts. Just be warned it won't fix everything but here it is: If you've been reading, you know I get all my life lessons from Jay-Z. So... if all else fails and you don't know how to fix the situation, listen to Jay-Z & R.Kelly's "Break Up": "Sex is always better fresh off a vendetta...You was going through your act till I caught you in the sack and I made you relax when I hit it harder from he baaaccckk". I mean... sometimes, we just want you to do your mad thing. I want him to do his mad thing ;)

Example #2: 

One day, she decided to flip it

Wasn't nothing I could do about it

like she the boss of this shit

started talking that "divorcing" shit

Gave her half my rib, Half my crib.

Half my cake. Half my car.

Half my kid? Can't get that. 

Tried to swing on a God, had to dip that. 

Yo, pushed her on the bed, lifted her leg, had to rip that. 

All she wanted was rough sex, with her slick ass. 

Had to sit back, smoke a blunt & just look. 

With her fine ass body & a damned good cook.

For some reason yo, she had me stuck.

And I had her in my web, too. 

You my Queen, God bless you. 

Nas, Kissing.

The real solution: If you want a King who treats his woman like a Queen, you should be a Queen who treats her man like a King. 

&Vice versa. 

Ask Ella: Should I Stop Tweeting?

      

            I've got a friend (now) named Mr. Hip. & when I say friend, I mean it. There a select few I've chosen to share my life with and even less whose issues I'm interested in return. The problem with him is, he's a friendly guy. And truly so. If you're friend's with Mr. Hip, you know it.  He will go the extra mile for you... and then a mile more. I always wondered how his girlfriends faired with him since he is naturally and jokingly flirtatious. But in all honesty, that wasn't much of my concern because he and I had a true friendship. Perhaps my truest. When we first started hanging out, I limited it all, unsure of it he wanted more. But he truly is a good time and a "comrade"in all senses of the word. The other day, he texted me something about Twitter and his girlfriend being upset. Something about me, maybe? Regardless of the specifics, it was all the same. Even Joey, in his interview with Power 105.1, talks about having arguments with Esther over something on Twitter. It happens to the best and worst of people in all circles. Jealousy is... it's there. And it's hard to get passed no matter how grand your apparent confidence, & especially when your level of celebrity is heightened. There's another thing --Mr. Hip knows everyone. He really does. If it weren't for Mr. Hip, I wouldn't have 70% of the friends I have now. He's a terrific judge of character. I've never disliked anyone he introduced me to. & I've never disliked any of his girlfriends. So, since Im his friend, I try to help him out if I can. & t's a lot easier to comment on relationship issues when you're removed from it. It makes is "not my problem." 

      So... his girlfriend gets mad. & I understand that. I would, too. I wrote "Internet Dating" with that in mind but certainly from a different perspective. Right now, I'm  the one with more going on online than my partner. So if anyone were to be upset, it'd be him. Now, no disrespect to the girlfriend, but there's no way she knows as many people as Mr. Hip does. So she has the fight the battle from the opposite end. But before I could respond to Mr. Hip on his situation, I had to see how mine played out. "I'm never looking at that shit again. Ever." He said it himself. I don't know how much of the blog he read but according to him, he "went in that one day." Poor guy. He was probably exposed to way more than he had bargained for but it was out there. & there was a slight benefit to it. He got to see me removed from him. He was able to sort of...observe me. To watch me in my natural environment. & Mr. Hip, that's what your girlfriend has gone & done. 

      Here's how it goes: You connect with him on every social media. You check his profile. You find out who every person is in every picture with him. You need to know what that history is. You see his tagged photos. Who tagged him? Any kissing photos? If he comes out clean there, you move onto the wall. You check to see who posts on his wall the most. If you know he has history with someone, you go back enough to retrace that entire relationship. You figure it out. You know what was said when. You "see friendship" as much as you can, just so that you're sure. You can't have missed anything. You need to know it all. You watch him on Twitter. But this has to be close. The conversations move fast. Who are these girls? There's so little info. All you can do is watch. & All you hope is that there isn't a DM behind it all. You worry. You get nervous. You just...can't stop watching. 

      You asked me if you should stop Tweeting. In our world, social networking is as natural as... ummm... breathing? Have you met people without Twitter? Even worse, without Facebook? I know I give them a second look and wonder where they've been the past decade. For her to expect you to stop Tweeting is inconsiderate and a bit too much. She knows that. Regardless, it is what she'd like. Still, she knows that's outrageous and (assuming she's sane) wouldn't ask you to do so. So here's second best: What she'd like, honestly, is for you to tweet her and only her. And maybe a friend here and there. But mostly her. & show the world how into her you are. Make her feel as beautiful online as you do in person --no matter the medium.  

       The digital world is just that, another world. In day-to-day dealings with someone, I know I require a lot of attention. If we're in the same room, there will be no progress. I like attention & I want it all to myself. The presence of another world is simply another place for you to determine if you are ignored or reveled. It opens up communication between you two, yes... but it also opens you up to the rest of the world. In person, your girlfriend has all your attention. Rarely does she need to worry about anyone else, unless you're apart. But online, she's always in competition with someone else. At least, that's what it feels like. You're always on display to the world. There's too many opportunities for you to be stolen. To be enticed. Or... "entertained" as men like to call it. Just as we like to feel like royalty when we're with you, we want to feel liked no matter where you're posting your thoughts. & you don't necessarily have to Tweet or tag us consistently, just don't do it to the other bitches either. 

       So what do you do? Because it's unfair for you to have to disable all of your accounts, but you don't want her to keep buggin, right? How about... watch your mouth? Social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter are just Match.com on Ritalin. People meet each other. They look at each other. They flirt. They take part in conversations they might never have in person. It opens doors. Social Networking is a "singles" thing depending on how you do it. You don't have to flirt with girls. And just because you know someone, that doesn't make them a close friend. When you joke around with real female friends, you should keep it clean for two reasons:

1.  If that is your friend, you wouldn't/shouldn't talk to her like that and 

2. Because that is your friend, you wouldn't/shouldn't talk to her like that.

Luckily, my guy isn't social network heavy. I unfriended him on Facebook, like I told you all in "Internet Dating" and he only follows one person on Twitter: Me. & I like that. So I decided that's the reason why. We [females] would rather be the ones getting all of the attention. You can be on there. but it shouldn't be your world. You shouldn't be obsessed with social networking. It makes us wonder why you're always on there and who you're really talking to. It's not that we want  to be jealous... it just happens. 

      I know it's a bizarre way of thinking but... we're females. And that's simply how I see it. & If her mind works anything like mine, I'm sure she'll agree. & here's the difference. If your girl is pretty (& Mr. Hip, I'm sure you are well aware that yours is) guys will hit on her. And if she's a decent person, she'll write back whatever her version of "thank you" is because she doesn't want to be rude. And a girl like attention no matter who it comes from. The problem with guys is that you all do most of the flirting. You don't know how to respond to females without flirting back. Or, at least, very few of you do. We want you to shut them down every time. We want you to let all those girls know that they are nothing compared to us. No matter what she has. We want her to know that you want us and no one else. On the other hand, our job, as females, is to make men love us. We keep our crushes half-way entertained but we never have anything in mind so you shouldn't get upset when we send smiley faces. We don't do it because we're flirting. We do it because we're girls & that's what girls do: Cute shit. 

   So no, don't delete your accounts. & enjoy yourself on the sites. You need to have control over your own life even if you do love her. Just know that she'll be watching. So your best bet is to alter the way you speak to females on these sites &, I promise, you'll be all right. But... if you have a problem with how she talks to guys, you have the right to address that as well. Still, you should know that she probably does it so that you'll see it. So that you'll know that guys like her because (let's be real) sometimes a man needs a little fire under his ass to act right. If you asked her to change her ways, I'm positive she will, as long as you change yours  first.

The Royal Wedding; American Defibrillator

      Say she want to get married, have kids one day. Like, out in Beverly Hills she wanna live one day. Nas "KISSING"

       I don't remember when Diana got married, but I remember that it had taken place. Even more so after the tragedy that followed. Over the past couple of... months, the British had been preparing for today, while Americans have been bitching and moaning the whole way through. We're American, so it shouldn't matter to us, right? What's the big deal? What should we care? Truth is, you don't have to care. But if you are any type of traditional, the event is momentous. 

        There haven't been many weddings. I mean, in my life. Not as many as there should be anyway. And I'm not sure what the cause has been, but it has got to be a lack of something. A lack of finances to have a marriage? A lack of people falling in love? A lack of faith that it will last? A lack of people willing to make that sacrifice? A lack of people who want to get married? I'm not sure, all I know is that recently, I've felt like the entire world (my world is America) places so little value on marriage and it's been accepted too widely, in my opinion. Since when is it okay to bash the sanctity of marriage? Just because you don't believe doesn't make marriage any less valuable for the rest of the world. All it does is make marriage less valuable with you. If you don't value marriage your marriage is likely to suck. So, yes, I agree you should not enter that arrangement. But for the rest of us who see marriage as a covenant of love, allow us to have that. 

"I think you're ready," he said to me. "You talk about marriage... but the way you talk about is like you're ready for that. Like you're longing for that."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No. You'd make a great wife. I'd be lucky to marry someone like you... "

And that's the way he should feel. 

       Eva Mendes was in the news recently for her views on marriage. She's throwing around words like "old" and "unnecessary" (find the article you prefer here, I can't find the original source). The actress has been dating George Augusto for 10 years and is seemingly okay with the situation. That's fine. The Toronto Sun reports that She went on to say "I don't know if I want children, but the idea of marriage sounds very boring to me. I have to be honest... I am extremely romantic but I think there is that little rebel inside me that is anti-establishment. It's just one more fun thing I can rebel against." What she's really rebelling against is being a woman, in my opinion. She has most of the things all women want. Beauty, money, pretty things and a man who's been by her side for a very long time. But there are two things I believe women were made for that she's given up: Women where made for men & children. 

    We were meant for a man. If you're any sort of Christian, this is where Genesis comes into play with the story of Adam & Eve that I'm sure we've all heard --whether you believe in it or not. But  no matter your religion, I guarantee there is one fact you cannot argue: Women were made to have children. If they weren't, men would be able to have children as well. We were given this ability for a reason. & whether you interpret it as simply to maintain the human race or to bring life into the world that may, one day, make a huge difference is on you. (and if a couple can't  have children on their own, I think it's their social responsibility to adopt. Children need parents.) With that said, Ms. Mendes (since she doesn't ever want to be a Mrs.,) can go against tradition if she wants. But if we all went against tradition, there would be nothing but mass chaos and disregard in this world. 

      In understand the theory that walking down the aisle doesn't make a marriage. But it's the same way some people don't show up for graduation. It's bizarre. Why wouldn't you go? Don't you want to celebrate this? It's supposed to be a joyous occasion. It's like a birthday party for both of you together. Corny as it might be, it's when you're love is official "born" into this world to be recognized by all. Technically, a child born at home & never registered doesn't exist. Same goes for a marriage not sealed in matrimony... actually, a marriage done informally really doesn't exist. That's why there are laws like Common Law Marriage. Because regardless of whether or not you want the ceremony, you're married. All it is, is whether or not you want the party. 

     Don't say you don't believe in marriage. You do. You believe in everything it means. What you don't want is the celebration --for whatever reason. Maybe your afraid that if you put on this big show, you might get divorced and then the world world has to know about how your love fell apart. I understand. But that's why you maintain it and find someone who wants to be with you forever. If that person doesn't/won't, they didn't love you like they should have and... sadly, that happens. It's a gamble. Love is a gamble. & If I have the ace, I'm gonna put all my chips in. 

      Check out how Bossip commented, "So you mean to tell us that if you want to get with Eva, you can live with her, enjoy making sweet love to her and leave whenever you want without having to pay half? Where in the world do we sign up?"And that is how men, because that article was obviously written by one, respond to a woman who doesn't want to get married. And perhaps not all of them. But many of them, I'd assume. And if they don't feel this way upfront, it's the "leave whenever you want" that makes them avoid marriage. Yes, marriage is lockdown, but it should be. You shouldn't be able to leave someone whenever you want. You should have to think about it. It should  be difficult. You shouldnt be able to tell someone you 'lll love them forever and then change your mind. You shouldn't. 

     We need to know the real reason people don't want to get married. Because I promise you the reasons that go around are bullshit. What people are afraid of is being left. Publicly. If you divorce, people know. There is record of it. But if you did all you could to make it work, there should be no shame in your divorce. & hopefully it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry world, but I want it all. The white dress and a room full of people who love me. Who love us. A day where we can celebrate our love and invite the people we care about to celebrate that with us. And if a million people wanted to watch my wedding, because it inspired them to do the same or they simply wanted to support my union, then so be it. Not everyone has to care about my wedding, but if they did, I'd greatly appreciate their best wishes.  I'm sure William and Kate felt the same. 

      Marriage is okay. Really. &  even if it's not for you, it's okay to support those who believe in it. Maybe we need this. In society I mean. Maybe we need to revive the immediate household to fix America. In the 50's and such, there wasn't so much bullshit happening and kids weren't slinging coke. Children were respectful. They went to school. They worked hard. It was a different time. Now, when marriage is unimportant and "unnecessary," there are all these fucked up households and barely any family structure in American society. Maybe we need this. Maybe we needed to see that marriage still exists. And that somewhere people still believe. So that little girls can understand that they should be wives rather than "wifeys"and "boo's". They should be treated like princesses. And the guys they date will understand that women are to be married. They are to be courted. Respected. Reveled and celebrated. I don't think it's okay to encourage young women to sit around and be a man's... plaything, or for men to have women stand by them with no obligation. It's gotten to the point where women are being looked down upon for wanting to be married. That is not okay.  

& if you missed it... read "Why Get Married"

All Hail the Queen.

      Step #1 in acquiring a happy relationship is learning to mind your own business.  It's a lot of self-restrain which, previously, I was incapable of. You want to know where he is at all times, who is there and (deny it if you'd like) what the conversation is about. You want to know. Not simply to keep tabs on him (but that's included) but because you need reassurance that he cares for you and only you. Most times, men won't say it to you. They won't give you the reassurance you need. We want to feel like the only girl in the world (thank you, Riri) and when we don't feel that way, we try to convince ourselves that we are. Sometimes though, I think we go about it the wrong way. Instead of focusing on how much time he spends with us and the things he does for us, we're concerned about his time away from us and what he's doing elsewhere. 

     If you break out of this frame of mind, life becomes glorious. If you've read "Crazy [in Love]" or "Mr. Thursdays" or, worse, "The Unthinkable" you'll have noticed I was  going through it. Like... through it. I mean... relatively. From any girl's point of view, anyway. It's been a while since I've been seriously involved in anything. Sure, there are crushes. I like everyone. I'll have a crush on any guy who's cute, talks to me nice & takes me out to eat. I'ma simple girl, really. But there's a difference when you begin to spend actual time with a person. Time that has nothing to do with them. Like... conversation about the upcoming election or the state of the Black community in modern America while I... paint my toenails. That's the kind of chemistry I dig.  & while your topic of conversation might vary from mine. I think that a person should just... fit into what you do normally. They should make you feel like you can continue to be you even when they're in the room. It's comfort. I mean, if love & marriage are forever, I'm going to be comfortable. 

     Your man wants to be comfortable, too. Honestly, you have to decide what type of girlfriend you want to be: Loud and screaming? Ignorant and inconsiderate? Spoiled and selfish? I've been all of these. And truthfully, if a man still loves you through any stance you take, that's what he decided. In a matter of a month, I was all these girls. I don't know why. I don't do it on purpose. It just happens. Sometimes you're meaner than you want to be. Sometimes he's more annoying than he needs to be. But it all stems from somewhere.Fellas, if you're lady is a bitch to you, it's probably not because she's a bitch. We're scared. All of us. Sacred to open up. Scared to get hurt. Scared to let him and scared to be alone. Scared that he's not the one. Scared that he is. Scared that he won't feel like you do. Scared that he'll leave. I was so upset at him those couple of days that I had to sit back and listen to myself. I had to figure out what it was. Was it really him? Or was it me? I started to ask myself these questions and literally half standing by myself like my own therapist trying to get my true feelings out.

      I know I don't love him. I just met him. But for some reason, I was trippin' - for lack of a better word. The only thing I actually heard myself say was this: I don't deserve to be alone. I've always felt that way, though. This is nothing new. And I've always deserved the best treatment, if I should say so myself. Not to mention, I believe that every girl deserves to be loved. Myself, included. Yet every time I get out of a relationship I'm stuck asking myself the same question: What did I do wrong now? Why don't things last? And they typically last a good 2-3 years, but that's been my max. Is it something wrong with me? 

  I've decided that it was something wrong with me. While I wasn't blatantly a bad person to him, I'd hold back. There are certain things a man wants and needs. We try to pretend like we don't care and don't have to care... but they matter to him nonetheless. And the better you satisfy the needs of your partner (selflessly) the better your partnership. He does anything I ask him to. Or he'll go out of his was to please me without my asking --that's the greatest. So why won't I do that for him? Why wouldn't I treat him the same way. He'll let me get away with holding back. He'd mention things but rarely complain. So doesn't he deserve to be treated well, too? He doesn't have to love me. And I don't have to love him. But we should want to make the other person happy --if we truly care for them. Sometimes, I think we hold back on our partners because we don't want to give too much We play the game under the rule of "Well you ain't my man" and purposely --although not maliciously-- keep our best faces to ourselves. If you were treat a man the way you know you can treat him (if he deserves it), you can keep that man forever. At least, that's how I'm approaching this situation. And lord knows things don't always work out the way we plan, but at least I'll get some good times out of it. At least we'll be out of the drama. At least we'll be happy. 

     So how am I going to keep the crazy under control? By minding my own business. When a man wants you to know where he is. He'll let you know. I don't ask where he is. And when I want him to come over, I don't ask, I don't tell... I simply let him know I'm free. If he's not, he lets me know. If he is, he'll be over (at a decent hour). I stopped talking about the other girls  --if there are any. I've stopped insinuating that that's where he's been. IF he has been with someone else, it doesn't matter because he's there with me now, & we shouldn't waste our time concerned with whores. I've taken the road before where I openly talk about the other girls to "prove" that I don't care. But no girl wants to know about anyone else. Even if she starts the conversation. Even if she asks. But I let him know that I don't want to know. I'm not going to ask for him to pledge his fidelity to me, but I won't allow him to blatantly disrespect me, either. I need him to lie to me if he has to. (Read: Me, You & Her: Open Relationships) I care more about my heart than I do about his penis. 

     When he's with me, I'm his Lady. He might not say it. I might not say it. But you couldn't argue otherwise. We don't need to publicly title what we have (Read" What Do You Want?: Relationship Titles) but the public display will speak for itself. If you were to "date" my man, you'd still be jealous of how he treats me. He should treat me that much better than he treats you. I'm the one who gets his time. "I want all of my calls answered," and I told him that. In return, I'll cook him dinner, bring him a glass of water and give him a massage after a long day. When's he's with me, I allow him to be a man. I let go. I open up. I do it all for him with no reserve. I tell him where I'm going and what my plans are but I don't ask about his plans. He's a man. He wants to be in control. I don't play around on his phone or ask him why he  has a password on it. My phone has no password. & I delete nothing. I have nothing to hide. I'm honest with him and he needs to know that. He needs to know that he can trust me. So that he doesn't feel dumb while he's trickin' on me and spending all this extra time. Men hold back, too. But you don't want to give them a reason to.  Because that's when the next girl comes in and makes him feel like a King. Then there's another woman on what should have been your throne. 

    *Waves to the Ex* All hail the Queen. 

     We all want to be treated like Queens. Even the girls who claim to need and want nothing. You can be a evil Queen or an adored Queen. It's really your choice.  Still, we want to be spoiled and loved and thought of and revered and held in high-esteem like the most magnificent woman created. But we treat our men like dogs. We give them less than they deserve. We show them no respect. We expect them to fuck up and then push them in that direction. We yell, we bitch, we moan (and not in a good way) and still expect to be treated like royalty. I said it before, there wasn't a moment I didn't deserve everything in the world. Any man who takes the time out to know me, understand me and actually care for me couldn't deny that, no matter what I did to him. for example, my ex from when I was 16 still sends me a Happy Birthday message every year. This year, he was the first to say it. And I did him dirty. But he loves me. Because deep down, I am a good person. I just need a man who is willing to sit around for a little bit and see that. Then, he deserves to be my King and I will treat him accordingly. Luckily, I've gotten to the point where I can care about him openly... and allow him more than just Thursdays ;) 

& maybe one day, he'll make me his Queen. I wouldn't be mad at that. I'm living a beautiful fantasy while I can. You really can't blame me. 

Step #2, you ask? Simple. You must employ great patience. 

CRAZY [in Love]

I wouldn't mind a dude that can take my attitude and take the time to listen. Someone that understands when I need a little space and when I need attention. Mya ft Lil Wayne "Lock U Down"

         I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do. Truth is, I like him. & not only do I like him, but he treats me well --for the most part. I don't have complaints like most girls do. He's not an asshole. He compliments me incessantly. Whatever I ask for, he will give. And when he does say no, he says it exactly as he should. We've been spending a lot of time together. To the point where his deodorant and towel are placed next to mine for our early morning routine. I'm beginning to wonder if this is all moving too fast. He says girlfriends get "crazy" ("Don't go crazy," he tells me) and I'll admit that they do. Thing is,we have nothing but reason to do so. If women out there are anything like me, you spend most of your time keeping your insecurities at bay.  So here's what happened... I'll give you the day-by-day play of how a woman can go crazy with her own thoughts. 

      Friday was fabulous. He took me to dinner at The PrimeHouse and I promise I've never had a better prepared steak. With the lobster mashed potatoes and creamed spinach, the meal was fantastic. And he treats me right. An appetizer, a drink, a glass of wine and two (delicious) deserts followed by a cappuccino sums up the feast. Every dish was as delectable as the last. But here's the thing.. we eat..together. Most times, when you go on a date with someone, you eat only what you order and maybe share a desert. He's a wonderful partner. He orders with me and for me. He makes me taste what he's got and I offer him mines. Most importantly, he finishes what I can't. They say the key to a man's heart is through his stomach...but most men don't eat shit.. so you're at a loss. He eats everything. He ordered the spinach. That might not mean much to the next girl, but I like a man who eats well... or healthy, rather. 

    The reason we went out, though, was because I had asked. & I find that marvelous. All I have to do is ask him & he does. "Can we go out and get drunk & dance & have fun?" I asked him Friday morning, in my sweetest voice. "Sure," was all he said and I did doubt he'd come through. But he certainly showed up later that night, looking dapper as ever, bottle of Sutter Home Moscato in hand (cheap but tasty. He's just getting into wines, give my boy a break! lol). If I were to say I fell in love that night, one would question whether I was wooed by him or his ability to treat me so well (aka the cash) and I'm unsure of how to separate the two. I do love how he treats me. I do love what he can do for me. More so, though, I love that he actually does it. There are men out there who, even if they could afford to treat you well, don't. & there are men out there who would give you the world but they don't have a dime to spare. Is it wrong to want a man who wants to and can? 

      Saturday: Crazy part 1. I got irritated. Sometimes, when you're around someone for too long, it happens. Things bother you. I have the tendency to be a... um... bitch. I give an attitude. I get upset at anything that is said to me. Things that would roll off my chest at any other time, I attack with great vengeance. Sometimes, I feel less affectionate after a man has tricked on me. Simply because I don't think I should force myself to be affectionate in return for him dropping a couple dollars on me. I don't have a price. Granted a man deserves a affection, but it's never owed to him.  But on this day, he was getting touchy. He'd been in my face the past couple of days and I really... just needed some space. But I caught an attitude. When you spend little time with someone, all you see are their good qualities. You don't have enough time to see the bad and get irritated or aggravated. Had I been the same me I was a year or so ago, I'd have kept up the attitude and asked him to leave. But I dealt with it. Instead, I went for a walk.  I needed air. I needed to breathe. I needed to reevaluate. I needed to leave the room so  I'd stop finding him difficult to deal with. I needed to... reenergize. If you readers ever feel this "irritation", trust me, a walk will do. You need to separate for a good 10 or 15 minutes to be alone with your thoughts before it gets bad.

         When I came back, I apologized. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I rarely find myself in the wrong. But instead of simply apologizing, I explained this to him. That'd we'd been spending a lot of time. That I didn't want to be a bitch. That I do enjoy his company... but I need some time for myself. He understood. He told me I wasn't acting like that and he'd never call me that word (even if I was, I suppose.) "You need your space,"he reiterated, and I was glad he understood. Sometimes, the most proactive way in diminishing an issue is to be honest about it. To let the other person know how you feel. Honestly. How can you expect anything to change or get better if you never say what the real problem is? I think we, women have a tough time with that. We expect change, but never express where the changes should be (before it's too late). 

           Then, he disappeared for a day or two. I wanted him to come back that night, but he said he was going out. I couldn't be mad at that. The only reason I was a little pissed off was that I had gone to Whole Foods (in the pouring rain, mind you) so I could get the ingredients to make this (awesome) pizza from scratch that came out fantastic and had even gotten ice cream and a bottle of wine (and bagels for him to eat in the morning) but he wasn't available to take part in all I had done for him. But I didn't go crazy.

            Sunday: Crazier. I called him around 4pm to invite him to church. Ok. Awkward but he'd said he wanted to go & it was Palm Sunday so I extended the invitation. He deaded my call on the second ring. I did the really? look at my phone and set it down with an ...ok. And my mind began to wander. Who was he with? Did he pick someone up at the club? Very possible. He had deaded calls from other girls while he was in the car with me on Friday night. Was I that girl today? Was there someone else watching him ignore the call, happy that she had all his attention? Was I now the other girl? 

This Fucks. Me. Up. 

           No matter how hard I try not to think this way, I do. & sometimes, if I'm lucky, I'm wrong about everything. "Church," he texted me back and you don't quite understand my relief. So much that I was up and ready to take my ass to church ASAP. And I went. & I meditated. & Enjoyed myself, quite honestly. I was at peace with myself and with my... "man". 

          Sunday night: Craiziest. I had to go to Jersey to pick up my tax forms from my sister. He txt me while I was there and asked what I was doing. I gave him the answer. Ask him about his plans... waiting for a response. That response never came. Come 10:30, I gave him a call. I didn't get deaded this time. My call rang through to voicemail. (You know that, "It's 10 o'clock, do you know where your kids are?" commercial? Well, I always think, do you know where your man is?) Now, I  don't know what he was doing. I don't know where he was at. But what I do know is that when he's out with me, he checks his phone. Which leads me to believe that.. well, he checks his phone. But he did txt. At 2:19am with an "I'm drunk." Really? On a Sunday night? Last you told me you didn't really party like that but... ok. On a Sunday?

      There is absolutely no viable reason to completely ignore me. If you're busy, you're busy. You can tell me that. Just txt me. But don't ignore me like I don't exist. I need more respect that that. This reminds me of a conversation I had with Sabrina. I guess she was supposed to hang with this boy once and they made plans but he never called. Now, if me & Sabrina aren't exactly  the same, she might be a little worse (she knows it). The next time he called, she gave him a piece of her mind. While I expected her to flip out and call him names, she calmly told him that she deserves and answer. That it's rude to make plans with someone and then just never call. And she's right. You wouldn't do that to anyone else, why is it okay to do that to the person you're dating? And I'm not exempt. I've done it, too. But I've never done it to him. This in turn makes me want to reevaluate how he really sees me. 

          Reevaluation is scary. Men, you need to avoid this at all costs. Because the minute we have to reconsider how you feel, we begin to notice all your flaws. All the shit you do/did that we didn't call you out for previously. We begin to hurt. We begin to notice. They just add up. I'm currently ignoring his text messages and trying to debate whether or not I want to speak to him because I'm hurting. And as dumb as it sounds, I really am. Its tough when you being to place all your emotion on one person and then they let you down.

          The reason we go crazy is because we feel like fools. We feel like we've invested in you and here you are.. letting us down. What have we done? We've let you in and chances are, you're going to do us as dirty as the last bastard did. Because men say things they don't mean. And they do things with intentions. And women know this all too well because we've probably been there a dozen times. We want you to love us. We want you to think that we are the most beautiful creatures to walk this earth and to let everything else go. We wish you would give yourselves to us the way we give ourselves to you. But men rarely see this. That's why, when you get hurt, you get hurt. When you finally give yourself over to a woman, it'll be too late. She'll have built up a wall by then. And the only way for a wall to come down is crashing. 

          & This is me gone crazy. But crazy, I think, simply means I care too much. Men misconstrue our concern with insanity. They think we're clingy and needy when in reality, it's simply that we care. We cant to know where you are and what you're doing and if you're okay the same way we'd care for a child (it's our maternal instinct). Meanwhile, Men Like Women Who Don't Like Them. I've said it time and time again... & as I write this, I thin I've finally come to a solution. I do nothing. Say nothing. Keep it  moving as usual. He's not mine & I'm not his. In reality, no one belongs to anyone. But there is no reason I should keep tabs on him. This is kind of in line with my post, on Open Relationships.  He can go out and do as he pleases. But somethings will change. I want his phone on silent. I don't want to know that females are calling him. He's gotten too cool with me. In proving that he turns down other girls, he likes to show me the message and pictures they send. I think it's to prove that he can be somewhere else, but he's choosing to be by my side. And while I appreciate that, it's not okay. I shouldn't know. He shouldn't show me. I should be wrapped up in the sanctity of my naive girlish fantasies. I mean... that's fine with me. I think that's what men used to do anyway. They had enough respect for themselves, their families and their women to hide the dirt they did --if they did any at all. 

    So, I'm going to pretend I don't care. That it didn't bother me... wait... no. I'm not going to let it bother me. If this is who he is, if he needs a day or two away from me, I'm going to let him have it. It doesn't mean he doesn't like me. & it doesn mean that he's with someone else. I means that he has a life outside of me and, frankly, that's a good thing. Sometimes, we (women) wish that a man wouldn't exist without us. That he'd die if we aren't in his life.... but truth is, this is the stupidest thought we could have. We have to let the other person continue to live their lives and sort of fit into each other --like puzzle pieces. Neither piece needs to change it's shape. Either it fits or it doesn't. Period. Because the same way a man shouldn't have you waiting by the phone, is the same way you should let yourself wait by the phone. 

Maybe I should respond to his txt now. A 3 hour delay is enough, right? 

[This has been another edition of "I am my own consultant".]

ttyl!