Upgrade Your Relationships

One year ago, I thought...

9.19.12

It'd have all be fine if he'd have just put it on me this morning. It was all I wanted, really. And the little bit of mouth-love that was promised to me last night. & there's nothing I hate worse than someone who can't keep a promise.

"You're acting like a bitch," was what I wanted to say, but it was 9am and World War IV will have to hold off until another day. World War 3 was a bloody battle and I'm not sure either of us has fully recovered. The Neosporin I have to rub on his chest (and back) daily is my main evidence. But I was pissed off. For every reason. First and foremost, I wanted head. And I still do, but I wanted it before my "lady" time comes and I'm sure tonight will be too late. Then, I had to figure out what to have for lunch today before there wasn't any meat left over from dinner last night. I'd have had a porkchop but I wanted my babe to be full and gave him the other piece. I had planned to get up and sear some steak... but there's only so much a girl can do in the AM. I was so hot & bothered having gotten a "no" I took a 30 minute shower which greatly cut into my getting ready time. And since I usually wake him up for breakfast (of which there was none, today) he was still sleeping at 9AM --when I had to leave the house. "I gotta go," I spoke loudly to wake him to which he responded groggily, "What's with the fucking attitude?" I responded only by placing my hands on my hips, tilting my head and raising my eyebrows. he should know by now that  I don't verbally respond to anything I consider bullshit. 

I'd have left him in my place, comfortable & sleeping... but I'm not there yet. Not to mention, I have a roommate who'd see him head out later and I simply would rather he leave (6am like a considerate nobody would have done.) On one hand, I should have left him there to sleep and get his rest. There's really no reason for him to get up at 8:30am when he doesn't have to. And if I had my own place, I'd gladly let him stay. I hate to disturb him when he's finally resting (I mean, he is my baby). But on the other hand, it's not my own place. And it's not his. And he knew the arrangement before this all started. He's come in and tried to change everything else --granted I've allowed him the room to do so --but there are some things I simply cannot make exceptions for. 

We had it. For a little while, after we got into our last argument, we had it. Every issue we had with one another was addressed clearly. Quickly. Calmly.  When things change from the way they used to be...you need to address it the first instance you can. If you continue to put up with something, it's safe for the other person to assume you're okay with it. I've decided I can't. I can't put up with certain things. And it's not because I want to be a bitch... it's simply shit that irks me to my core like... broken promises.

I guess it's not all that bad. He speaks tough. It's a side effect from his persona. Had I never left the hood I might find it attractive. Now, I simply find his abrasiveness charming. He's my stray dog. Seems to me I've picked him up off the streets. I can only expect from him to pee on the carpet and chew up some shoes. In my best interest, I keep my shoes up high and rub his face in the messes he makes. He'll learn. If he likes a warm bed and a meal everyday... he'll understand where home is. A dog roams, I've been told. I never thought I could handle it though. And in the moments when I thought I could, I couldn't. But now I understand that if I need my space, so does he. It's not out of any feeling in particular more than curiosity or a longing for something new. Just some entertainment. Perhaps a change of pace. I know the reason behind it all. I know that he doesn't feel like being uptight all the time. 

Today I think...

9.19.12

Damned fool. That's what we both were. See what happens when you try to allow idiocy. "Part of his persona"? Absolutely. He was a d*ck to say the very least. But a decent person at the least. My problem is, I see the good in people far too often. I also try to convince myself to be ready for things when I'm not. More so, it's worse that I try to make them ready for it when they're not. He was staying with me in this one bedroom when he should have had a place of his own. Perhaps that's not something I can hold against a man but... I might not be dating until a person has what I have or better. I can't continue to foster relationships with boys trying to be men because I'm fascinated with helping them. They're not my responsibility. As CJ said the other day, I didn't lay down and have no kids. 

But how can we not be concerned? How can you involve yourself with someone and feel no emotion? Contrary to popular belief, I'm not as cold as I seem. I'm also not as dumb as I seem. Secretly, this is the shit a lot of us do to ourselves but are afraid to admit. I fall in love because I love it. I can love anyone at any moment for anything. But it doesn't take me long to wisen up. I read my horoscope last night. Said that this Saturn is finally getting the f*ck out my system. The turmoil --which also brought great teaching-- is coming to an end and my light is getting brighter.

The reason I write all this down is so that I remember not to do it again. Too many times, we end up dating the same-ass nigga because we fail to see how much is like the others. Granted we all have a "type," but that outfit isn't all there is. When a relationship of yours comes to a close, I recommend you take the time to understand what exactly went wrong so that you can address that in your next trail. The same goes for all relationships --family, friends, etc. This isn't to say you won't come across new hurdles and new struggles, but it's a total waste of time to keep dealing with the same bullshit.

Always make sure the next one is an upgrade.

The 10 Second Stress Limit.

      That's all I can allow. Things have gone much better since I vowed to stop being upset. I understand now that something happened. Something made that girl too upset to function. It's something else that makes her upset at you. It's not you and maybe the issue is that it's not you. You treat the people around you how you want to treat them. So while I embarked on writing this with the intent of semi-apoligizing, I take my half-assed, hal-expressed apology back. 

        I dont regret anything I've done. I stand behind all of the attitudes, all of the arguments, all of the yelling the paintballing, the egg-throwing, the writing all over your mattress and throwing it outside of your house, the bloody lips, the bruises the statement I made about you life and in whose hands it would end because I truly meant it all. I had reason for it all. Perhaps there was anger seething underneath that neither of us could see, but I wasn't there yet. And I needed that. I needed to be the worst person in the world to understand my greatness. I had to pinpoint my weaknesses and work on each of them individually. Now, I am unstoppable. Now, I am the dream. I chase love & labels in the same race. That's two goals on one path; I multitask my ass off. So while I chase the riches I never forget the importance of my heart. The one place I think females go wrong (because I turned down the road once, btu smartened up and retraced my steps) is that we choose one over the other. We think it's money or love. It's a family or an education. It's him or me. In reality, it should be both. And it should be effortless. 

        I need a partner. I've always envied the gay community in that they have "partners" and I don't. I want someone to be my equal so when I allow them leverage, they understand it's all love and not ownership. If I call you daddy, it's not because you own me, but because the title fits. It's not because I should listen to you but because I want to. It's not because you're the head of the household, but because you're fit to be that someday. I need things to run smoothly. I need someone to feel the vibe and not rely on the words. I need someone to be invested 150% and have faith in the decisions I make without them although those would be very few. With that said, we need get along. 

      I don't know what it is about an argument that alleviates stress. It's simply something you need to win. It's a battle you can claim victory over. So when there's nothing left to do, we act on our barbaric nature and wage wars on our neighbors when, if we sat and came to an agreement, we could simply expand the empire keeping both parties' interests at hand. This is what I understand: There is no need to fight. I give myself 10 seconds to be upset and then I force myself to be happy. I challenge myself to think of the real reason I'm upset. Is it even him? Or do I just need attention? Who really pissed me off today Sometimes, you get a good man sitting across the table from you but you're too caught up in your emotions --fighting for his love-- that you push him away instead. You give him the angriest you possible and determine that he should love you no matter what. No, he should love you because. Why make it difficult for him?  Granted, everyone has the right to be upset... so allow yourself 10 seconds. Turn that shit around & get back to business. Sometimes it was nothing, and sometimes you have to make it nothing. All stress and drama does is sidetrack you from the shit you should be doing.  You've got to clear the path before you start down it. 

     Your ultimate goal should be to make one another happy. If he's not making you happy... you need to leave. I'm not sure how to sugar coat that. If you don't, it's your own fault. You know that you should leave. I pray you have the strength to listen to your heart and understand the value of your happiness. But at the same rate, if he's not happy... he has the right to react as well. "If every time I come here, we argue, why would I want to be here," my ex asked (I learned so much in the 2 days we dated smh). He was right. Who wants to stay in a bad situation. & whatever your current engagement is missing, you try to find elsewhere. You no longer look forward to it. Remember when you first started dating and you were nice and you paid attention to everything he said. You read his text messages twice so that you understood them through and through. You let your response sit and wait until you had time to look it over again... all to keep him around. And then you stop. You stop caring. You stop caring that he had a bad day and don't care how he slept last night. You only hit him when you see him tweet someone else and you only call him "baby" on Facebook. You're not who you pretended to be. Actually... you are  who you pretended to be, but for some reason decided not to do that anymore. 

          Maybe it's not your fault. It's almost impossible to keep being nice to someone you don't like. So, I encourage you to reevaluate your situation. Understand why you're upset at him. If you truly do have a reason, calculate how much stress that's bringing into your life that you don't need. Or how much stress you're giving him that he doesn't need. Some relationships just aren't meant to last. For that reason, I take mine very seriously. So serious, I end them as soon as possible. I'm sure many of you have been in a relationship for longer than you needed to. I read through old text messages the other day and realized that my 2 year relationship was more like 1.5 had I paid attention. His responses changed. There was no more love. I should have ended it when the fights first began --as we all should, as I now do. I think that down is a permanent direction. You should plateau at the least. Growth is all you should witness when you're with someone. If we're not growing, not moving, not improving, then --obviously-- this isn't meant to be. Why would I tie  myself into an arrangement that doesn't benefit me?

       Pay attention to love. But also pay attention to stress. The fights are a sign. When you start looking the other way, you begin to head in the wrong direction. Stop pretending you don't see it. Take ownership of your relationships and your happiness. & Pay attention to him. He wants to feel like you just met for the rest of your life. If he loves the person you are now, continue to be that person. Fuck "maturing" and "growing", be yourself. Life moves regardless of what you do and you'll change along without whether you pay attention or not. The important things about you (and the important people around you) will stay the.

     Fuck it. Be happy. Be in love (or on the way there). Stop fighting. Stop stressing him. Quit the attitude. He doesn't always want to fight you. He's not always doing something wrong. And if he is, the better you treat him, the guiltier he'll feel as he commits his sins. You can't change the way the world is towards you but fuck... Karma's a pretty bitch if you take your time & dress her up right.

<3

Ella.

She's So Fine.

    

       

          So here's the situation: He fucked up. He doesn't know it, but he did. And you're upset. And you try not to be. Because you don't really want to argue, but that's the only way this is going to happen. You want to tell him how you feel but you don't want to come off as jealous/angry/stupid/insecure/immature or, the all-time favorite, crazy. But its how you feel and as you hold it in, you feel like it's going to kill you. You don't say anything, but it comes through in your every action even if you try not to. You come off one of two ways: Angry or sad. It just depends on what happened. If you're angry, you say nothing because you might just say something you'll regret (which happens most of the time) and nothing inyou wants to hurt his feelings but when a woman feels like being a bitch, a bitch she will be. But if you're sad, you'd rather not say anything because it hurts to talk about it and you're trying to figure out what to say. You don't want to accuse him of anything or make him upset, but there's a thought lingering in your mind that you simply can't shake and it controls your every action. 

        This blog does a couple of things. First, it allows me to stand on a makeshift, digital pedestal and report the world my overflowing acumen. In other words, I get to pretend to be famous, brilliant and famously brilliant. Secondly, I get to help others. So if I recognize an issue I think should be examined in detail, I can do that for them. When a girlfriend of mine has an issue, I can't help but to think I should blog about that. (I'd like to apologize for that now.) But mostly, it's because it's a thought I have as well. But this way, I can provide a removed insight as I attempt to maintain diplomacy. It's my philanthropic mission: help females (and whoever else needs it) fight the mental struggles rarely addressed. I'm a modern-day philosopher of sorts. The Great Ella? lol.. Seriously though, & most importantly, is that this blog helps me help myself and pretend it's you. 

         I'm fine, you say. Perhaps to avoid drama. Maybe because you simply want him to baby you and make you feel like he cares about your every emotion -- whether consciously or unconsciously, this is a feeling that simply can't be compared to any other. And sometimes, when you argue, it's the only time you know that he cares. It's when you can see if how you feel affects him. You notice how he reacts and take that as a direct signifier of how he feels. It's undoubtedly correlated so you see no wrong in doing this. Silently you sit, judging him. Having a secret meltdown he's completely unaware of until it builds up and you finally break down. You are not fine. The "I'm Fine" has got to go. It's got to stop. You need to let him know how you feel. I know we're scared that it'll end up badly, but what possibly can go wrong if you just tell him how you feel when you feel it? I'm tired of holding shit in. I can't do it anymore. I don't care what it is. It's not fair for anyone If you address the situation in the moment, you'll both be clear on what just happened. There won't be any "remember when" or "the other day". You should address it as soon as it happens. & there's a way to do it, I think. 

       Instead of flipping out, you should talk. Think of any situation. Any one. From cheating to him speaking over you. All you should have to say is, "I didn't like that." Slowly and quietly. And I'm sure he'll listen. He'll say "didn't like what?" and you can respond by saying the following:

"I didn't like the when you _______ because it made me feel _________. The reason is __________."  

     Now, this is assuming you have an adult relationship. If you're a yeller, if he's a yeller, or you both just have a really hard time having normal conversation, my method probably won't work for you. And granted, this might not work for everyone. You have to learn how to have a conversation first. My problem? I don't "yield." I willingly give my point but would rather not give the opposition the chance to rebut. That's not how you have a conversation and that's something I'm personally working on. But I the only reason I have time to work on that is because I took the time to work on actually speaking.

        I no longer pretend to be fine. Because if I'm upset, even wrongly so,  something is wrong. I shouldn't be upset. Not to say that you won't get upset, I understand people are bound to have disagreements, but I believe that those disagreements need to be hashed out immediately rather than sit and marinate. & This goes for all of the feelings. If you say you forgive someone, you forgive them. The conversation is over and done with. The more you hang onto being upset, the worse it will be for you. Sometimes you really just have to let shit go. Mistakes are made. You've got to understand that. 

        I am no exception. The reason I'm writing this now is not only for you guys, but for myself as well. Because I reread my own writing. I find my own solutions are the best for me. & perhaps the next time I get into a place where I feel like saying "I'm fine," I'll remember this post and consciously change my actions and hopefully handle the situation in a manner that is beneficial to my relationships. & I mean all relationships: friends, family and fun-partners. I feel like if those people care about you like you care about them, it should be okay for you to be upset about something. It should be okay to have the conversation. Even more so, it should be required to have the conversation as to address anything that might cause a rift in that particular relationship. 

       I didn't say a word. But the thoughts were running through my head. The thoughts I laid out for you in Relationships: Crisis Management. The truth is, we haven't been seeing each other long, but we've been having fun. But all of a sudden you get the that point where you get upset about things. You try not to, and you feel like you don't even have the right to... but you're human. You have emotions. & anyone who isn't okay with you having emotions about how you interact with them can't possibly care about you. So I've been trying to manage this in a new way. Attempting to find a method that works. I know that every couple fights, but how do the good couples fight? I don't want a throwing-punches relationship. I've been there. I don't want a yelling and no one listening relationship. Had that, too. I also don't want a forgive-me-now-hold-it-against-me-later relationship. That one sucked the most. I want a we-both-actually-care relationship. Wherein my partner allows me the freedom to express every one of my emotional/jealous/intense/crazy/jumped-to-conclusions opinions and handles them accordingly. 

       I don't know how a guy should respond yet. But my guess at this point is just hear her out. Let her talk. No matter how dumb it is. No matter how wrong she is. Because she might have interpreted a situation wrong or blown it out of proportion, but that doesn't make her pain any less valid. You hurt us without knowing. And sometimes, it's the simplest shit. And while we shouldn't take it so seriously we do. Because it's you. And anything having to do with you is supremely important and all we really want is for you to feel the same about us. Sadly, going "crazy" is how we express our affection. Sorry guys. Oh... but if you don't know what to do, remember this: She's always right. Not because she's right, but because if you like/love her... you should feel like everything in her pretty little world should be right. 

     Speaking of crazy... the reason I think you should let it out asap is because you actually do drive yourself crazy. You let this idea run around in your head and play with your emotions and stress you out and then you take it out on him and he has no idea why because you won't tell him and you have to see how that must be irritating. And it irritates them. So it's not that he doesn't care about how you feel or that he's being rude... it's that you are being annoying. & I can be really annoying. Think of it this way: If he were out with his friends, his friends wouldn't be sitting around all emotional. Neither would his family. And he'd surely be stress free if her were just chillin home alone. I think this is why guys are never looking for a "girlfriend." Because stress comes with the territory so they try to avoid that for as long as possible. But you both know that if you catch feelings, there's no bypassing the drama. But I'm certain there is a way to limit it. It's okay to get emotional, just don't do the shit all the time. No one wants that all the time. Even your girlfriends will get tired of hearing you talk/complain about the same guy. Luckily, I blog ;) 

      I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in order to truly be fine, you have to allow yourself to not be fine. Like... in my trying to employ this logic in my own relationships, I've found myself to be more at peace. I have less on my mind. I'm not bogged down by some "issue". Instead, I'm free to just live. And I don't have a reason to be mad at him for more than a couple minutes. & whenever he leaves, I try to make sure he leaves happy, or at least knowing that I care. That I'll get over it soon. That if I'm upset with him and I want to talk it out, it's not because I hate him and want to argue, rather because I adore him and want to fix this. Ladies, you should never let your man leave the house angry. Someone else might gladly cheer him up. And even if that girl isn't all that great, if even she's second-rate,  it's better than being with a pretty girl who does nothing but argue all the time. So if you don't have time to talk and make amends before he leaves, give him a kiss, grab his junk... something. Something to make him smile. & it might make you smile. Better yet, just smile. Give him something to make him look forward to coming back. Because if he leaves angry, and that's the last feeling he has of you, that's the feeling he'll anticipate upon returning. ho in their right mind wants that? 

      That's all I've got for today. Hope it works for someone. More importantly, I hope it works for me. 

xoxox, 

Ella 

All Hail the Queen.

      Step #1 in acquiring a happy relationship is learning to mind your own business.  It's a lot of self-restrain which, previously, I was incapable of. You want to know where he is at all times, who is there and (deny it if you'd like) what the conversation is about. You want to know. Not simply to keep tabs on him (but that's included) but because you need reassurance that he cares for you and only you. Most times, men won't say it to you. They won't give you the reassurance you need. We want to feel like the only girl in the world (thank you, Riri) and when we don't feel that way, we try to convince ourselves that we are. Sometimes though, I think we go about it the wrong way. Instead of focusing on how much time he spends with us and the things he does for us, we're concerned about his time away from us and what he's doing elsewhere. 

     If you break out of this frame of mind, life becomes glorious. If you've read "Crazy [in Love]" or "Mr. Thursdays" or, worse, "The Unthinkable" you'll have noticed I was  going through it. Like... through it. I mean... relatively. From any girl's point of view, anyway. It's been a while since I've been seriously involved in anything. Sure, there are crushes. I like everyone. I'll have a crush on any guy who's cute, talks to me nice & takes me out to eat. I'ma simple girl, really. But there's a difference when you begin to spend actual time with a person. Time that has nothing to do with them. Like... conversation about the upcoming election or the state of the Black community in modern America while I... paint my toenails. That's the kind of chemistry I dig.  & while your topic of conversation might vary from mine. I think that a person should just... fit into what you do normally. They should make you feel like you can continue to be you even when they're in the room. It's comfort. I mean, if love & marriage are forever, I'm going to be comfortable. 

     Your man wants to be comfortable, too. Honestly, you have to decide what type of girlfriend you want to be: Loud and screaming? Ignorant and inconsiderate? Spoiled and selfish? I've been all of these. And truthfully, if a man still loves you through any stance you take, that's what he decided. In a matter of a month, I was all these girls. I don't know why. I don't do it on purpose. It just happens. Sometimes you're meaner than you want to be. Sometimes he's more annoying than he needs to be. But it all stems from somewhere.Fellas, if you're lady is a bitch to you, it's probably not because she's a bitch. We're scared. All of us. Sacred to open up. Scared to get hurt. Scared to let him and scared to be alone. Scared that he's not the one. Scared that he is. Scared that he won't feel like you do. Scared that he'll leave. I was so upset at him those couple of days that I had to sit back and listen to myself. I had to figure out what it was. Was it really him? Or was it me? I started to ask myself these questions and literally half standing by myself like my own therapist trying to get my true feelings out.

      I know I don't love him. I just met him. But for some reason, I was trippin' - for lack of a better word. The only thing I actually heard myself say was this: I don't deserve to be alone. I've always felt that way, though. This is nothing new. And I've always deserved the best treatment, if I should say so myself. Not to mention, I believe that every girl deserves to be loved. Myself, included. Yet every time I get out of a relationship I'm stuck asking myself the same question: What did I do wrong now? Why don't things last? And they typically last a good 2-3 years, but that's been my max. Is it something wrong with me? 

  I've decided that it was something wrong with me. While I wasn't blatantly a bad person to him, I'd hold back. There are certain things a man wants and needs. We try to pretend like we don't care and don't have to care... but they matter to him nonetheless. And the better you satisfy the needs of your partner (selflessly) the better your partnership. He does anything I ask him to. Or he'll go out of his was to please me without my asking --that's the greatest. So why won't I do that for him? Why wouldn't I treat him the same way. He'll let me get away with holding back. He'd mention things but rarely complain. So doesn't he deserve to be treated well, too? He doesn't have to love me. And I don't have to love him. But we should want to make the other person happy --if we truly care for them. Sometimes, I think we hold back on our partners because we don't want to give too much We play the game under the rule of "Well you ain't my man" and purposely --although not maliciously-- keep our best faces to ourselves. If you were treat a man the way you know you can treat him (if he deserves it), you can keep that man forever. At least, that's how I'm approaching this situation. And lord knows things don't always work out the way we plan, but at least I'll get some good times out of it. At least we'll be out of the drama. At least we'll be happy. 

     So how am I going to keep the crazy under control? By minding my own business. When a man wants you to know where he is. He'll let you know. I don't ask where he is. And when I want him to come over, I don't ask, I don't tell... I simply let him know I'm free. If he's not, he lets me know. If he is, he'll be over (at a decent hour). I stopped talking about the other girls  --if there are any. I've stopped insinuating that that's where he's been. IF he has been with someone else, it doesn't matter because he's there with me now, & we shouldn't waste our time concerned with whores. I've taken the road before where I openly talk about the other girls to "prove" that I don't care. But no girl wants to know about anyone else. Even if she starts the conversation. Even if she asks. But I let him know that I don't want to know. I'm not going to ask for him to pledge his fidelity to me, but I won't allow him to blatantly disrespect me, either. I need him to lie to me if he has to. (Read: Me, You & Her: Open Relationships) I care more about my heart than I do about his penis. 

     When he's with me, I'm his Lady. He might not say it. I might not say it. But you couldn't argue otherwise. We don't need to publicly title what we have (Read" What Do You Want?: Relationship Titles) but the public display will speak for itself. If you were to "date" my man, you'd still be jealous of how he treats me. He should treat me that much better than he treats you. I'm the one who gets his time. "I want all of my calls answered," and I told him that. In return, I'll cook him dinner, bring him a glass of water and give him a massage after a long day. When's he's with me, I allow him to be a man. I let go. I open up. I do it all for him with no reserve. I tell him where I'm going and what my plans are but I don't ask about his plans. He's a man. He wants to be in control. I don't play around on his phone or ask him why he  has a password on it. My phone has no password. & I delete nothing. I have nothing to hide. I'm honest with him and he needs to know that. He needs to know that he can trust me. So that he doesn't feel dumb while he's trickin' on me and spending all this extra time. Men hold back, too. But you don't want to give them a reason to.  Because that's when the next girl comes in and makes him feel like a King. Then there's another woman on what should have been your throne. 

    *Waves to the Ex* All hail the Queen. 

     We all want to be treated like Queens. Even the girls who claim to need and want nothing. You can be a evil Queen or an adored Queen. It's really your choice.  Still, we want to be spoiled and loved and thought of and revered and held in high-esteem like the most magnificent woman created. But we treat our men like dogs. We give them less than they deserve. We show them no respect. We expect them to fuck up and then push them in that direction. We yell, we bitch, we moan (and not in a good way) and still expect to be treated like royalty. I said it before, there wasn't a moment I didn't deserve everything in the world. Any man who takes the time out to know me, understand me and actually care for me couldn't deny that, no matter what I did to him. for example, my ex from when I was 16 still sends me a Happy Birthday message every year. This year, he was the first to say it. And I did him dirty. But he loves me. Because deep down, I am a good person. I just need a man who is willing to sit around for a little bit and see that. Then, he deserves to be my King and I will treat him accordingly. Luckily, I've gotten to the point where I can care about him openly... and allow him more than just Thursdays ;) 

& maybe one day, he'll make me his Queen. I wouldn't be mad at that. I'm living a beautiful fantasy while I can. You really can't blame me. 

Step #2, you ask? Simple. You must employ great patience.