CRAZY [in Love]

I wouldn't mind a dude that can take my attitude and take the time to listen. Someone that understands when I need a little space and when I need attention. Mya ft Lil Wayne "Lock U Down"

         I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do. Truth is, I like him. & not only do I like him, but he treats me well --for the most part. I don't have complaints like most girls do. He's not an asshole. He compliments me incessantly. Whatever I ask for, he will give. And when he does say no, he says it exactly as he should. We've been spending a lot of time together. To the point where his deodorant and towel are placed next to mine for our early morning routine. I'm beginning to wonder if this is all moving too fast. He says girlfriends get "crazy" ("Don't go crazy," he tells me) and I'll admit that they do. Thing is,we have nothing but reason to do so. If women out there are anything like me, you spend most of your time keeping your insecurities at bay.  So here's what happened... I'll give you the day-by-day play of how a woman can go crazy with her own thoughts. 

      Friday was fabulous. He took me to dinner at The PrimeHouse and I promise I've never had a better prepared steak. With the lobster mashed potatoes and creamed spinach, the meal was fantastic. And he treats me right. An appetizer, a drink, a glass of wine and two (delicious) deserts followed by a cappuccino sums up the feast. Every dish was as delectable as the last. But here's the thing.. we eat..together. Most times, when you go on a date with someone, you eat only what you order and maybe share a desert. He's a wonderful partner. He orders with me and for me. He makes me taste what he's got and I offer him mines. Most importantly, he finishes what I can't. They say the key to a man's heart is through his stomach...but most men don't eat shit.. so you're at a loss. He eats everything. He ordered the spinach. That might not mean much to the next girl, but I like a man who eats well... or healthy, rather. 

    The reason we went out, though, was because I had asked. & I find that marvelous. All I have to do is ask him & he does. "Can we go out and get drunk & dance & have fun?" I asked him Friday morning, in my sweetest voice. "Sure," was all he said and I did doubt he'd come through. But he certainly showed up later that night, looking dapper as ever, bottle of Sutter Home Moscato in hand (cheap but tasty. He's just getting into wines, give my boy a break! lol). If I were to say I fell in love that night, one would question whether I was wooed by him or his ability to treat me so well (aka the cash) and I'm unsure of how to separate the two. I do love how he treats me. I do love what he can do for me. More so, though, I love that he actually does it. There are men out there who, even if they could afford to treat you well, don't. & there are men out there who would give you the world but they don't have a dime to spare. Is it wrong to want a man who wants to and can? 

      Saturday: Crazy part 1. I got irritated. Sometimes, when you're around someone for too long, it happens. Things bother you. I have the tendency to be a... um... bitch. I give an attitude. I get upset at anything that is said to me. Things that would roll off my chest at any other time, I attack with great vengeance. Sometimes, I feel less affectionate after a man has tricked on me. Simply because I don't think I should force myself to be affectionate in return for him dropping a couple dollars on me. I don't have a price. Granted a man deserves a affection, but it's never owed to him.  But on this day, he was getting touchy. He'd been in my face the past couple of days and I really... just needed some space. But I caught an attitude. When you spend little time with someone, all you see are their good qualities. You don't have enough time to see the bad and get irritated or aggravated. Had I been the same me I was a year or so ago, I'd have kept up the attitude and asked him to leave. But I dealt with it. Instead, I went for a walk.  I needed air. I needed to breathe. I needed to reevaluate. I needed to leave the room so  I'd stop finding him difficult to deal with. I needed to... reenergize. If you readers ever feel this "irritation", trust me, a walk will do. You need to separate for a good 10 or 15 minutes to be alone with your thoughts before it gets bad.

         When I came back, I apologized. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I rarely find myself in the wrong. But instead of simply apologizing, I explained this to him. That'd we'd been spending a lot of time. That I didn't want to be a bitch. That I do enjoy his company... but I need some time for myself. He understood. He told me I wasn't acting like that and he'd never call me that word (even if I was, I suppose.) "You need your space,"he reiterated, and I was glad he understood. Sometimes, the most proactive way in diminishing an issue is to be honest about it. To let the other person know how you feel. Honestly. How can you expect anything to change or get better if you never say what the real problem is? I think we, women have a tough time with that. We expect change, but never express where the changes should be (before it's too late). 

           Then, he disappeared for a day or two. I wanted him to come back that night, but he said he was going out. I couldn't be mad at that. The only reason I was a little pissed off was that I had gone to Whole Foods (in the pouring rain, mind you) so I could get the ingredients to make this (awesome) pizza from scratch that came out fantastic and had even gotten ice cream and a bottle of wine (and bagels for him to eat in the morning) but he wasn't available to take part in all I had done for him. But I didn't go crazy.

            Sunday: Crazier. I called him around 4pm to invite him to church. Ok. Awkward but he'd said he wanted to go & it was Palm Sunday so I extended the invitation. He deaded my call on the second ring. I did the really? look at my phone and set it down with an ...ok. And my mind began to wander. Who was he with? Did he pick someone up at the club? Very possible. He had deaded calls from other girls while he was in the car with me on Friday night. Was I that girl today? Was there someone else watching him ignore the call, happy that she had all his attention? Was I now the other girl? 

This Fucks. Me. Up. 

           No matter how hard I try not to think this way, I do. & sometimes, if I'm lucky, I'm wrong about everything. "Church," he texted me back and you don't quite understand my relief. So much that I was up and ready to take my ass to church ASAP. And I went. & I meditated. & Enjoyed myself, quite honestly. I was at peace with myself and with my... "man". 

          Sunday night: Craiziest. I had to go to Jersey to pick up my tax forms from my sister. He txt me while I was there and asked what I was doing. I gave him the answer. Ask him about his plans... waiting for a response. That response never came. Come 10:30, I gave him a call. I didn't get deaded this time. My call rang through to voicemail. (You know that, "It's 10 o'clock, do you know where your kids are?" commercial? Well, I always think, do you know where your man is?) Now, I  don't know what he was doing. I don't know where he was at. But what I do know is that when he's out with me, he checks his phone. Which leads me to believe that.. well, he checks his phone. But he did txt. At 2:19am with an "I'm drunk." Really? On a Sunday night? Last you told me you didn't really party like that but... ok. On a Sunday?

      There is absolutely no viable reason to completely ignore me. If you're busy, you're busy. You can tell me that. Just txt me. But don't ignore me like I don't exist. I need more respect that that. This reminds me of a conversation I had with Sabrina. I guess she was supposed to hang with this boy once and they made plans but he never called. Now, if me & Sabrina aren't exactly  the same, she might be a little worse (she knows it). The next time he called, she gave him a piece of her mind. While I expected her to flip out and call him names, she calmly told him that she deserves and answer. That it's rude to make plans with someone and then just never call. And she's right. You wouldn't do that to anyone else, why is it okay to do that to the person you're dating? And I'm not exempt. I've done it, too. But I've never done it to him. This in turn makes me want to reevaluate how he really sees me. 

          Reevaluation is scary. Men, you need to avoid this at all costs. Because the minute we have to reconsider how you feel, we begin to notice all your flaws. All the shit you do/did that we didn't call you out for previously. We begin to hurt. We begin to notice. They just add up. I'm currently ignoring his text messages and trying to debate whether or not I want to speak to him because I'm hurting. And as dumb as it sounds, I really am. Its tough when you being to place all your emotion on one person and then they let you down.

          The reason we go crazy is because we feel like fools. We feel like we've invested in you and here you are.. letting us down. What have we done? We've let you in and chances are, you're going to do us as dirty as the last bastard did. Because men say things they don't mean. And they do things with intentions. And women know this all too well because we've probably been there a dozen times. We want you to love us. We want you to think that we are the most beautiful creatures to walk this earth and to let everything else go. We wish you would give yourselves to us the way we give ourselves to you. But men rarely see this. That's why, when you get hurt, you get hurt. When you finally give yourself over to a woman, it'll be too late. She'll have built up a wall by then. And the only way for a wall to come down is crashing. 

          & This is me gone crazy. But crazy, I think, simply means I care too much. Men misconstrue our concern with insanity. They think we're clingy and needy when in reality, it's simply that we care. We cant to know where you are and what you're doing and if you're okay the same way we'd care for a child (it's our maternal instinct). Meanwhile, Men Like Women Who Don't Like Them. I've said it time and time again... & as I write this, I thin I've finally come to a solution. I do nothing. Say nothing. Keep it  moving as usual. He's not mine & I'm not his. In reality, no one belongs to anyone. But there is no reason I should keep tabs on him. This is kind of in line with my post, on Open Relationships.  He can go out and do as he pleases. But somethings will change. I want his phone on silent. I don't want to know that females are calling him. He's gotten too cool with me. In proving that he turns down other girls, he likes to show me the message and pictures they send. I think it's to prove that he can be somewhere else, but he's choosing to be by my side. And while I appreciate that, it's not okay. I shouldn't know. He shouldn't show me. I should be wrapped up in the sanctity of my naive girlish fantasies. I mean... that's fine with me. I think that's what men used to do anyway. They had enough respect for themselves, their families and their women to hide the dirt they did --if they did any at all. 

    So, I'm going to pretend I don't care. That it didn't bother me... wait... no. I'm not going to let it bother me. If this is who he is, if he needs a day or two away from me, I'm going to let him have it. It doesn't mean he doesn't like me. & it doesn mean that he's with someone else. I means that he has a life outside of me and, frankly, that's a good thing. Sometimes, we (women) wish that a man wouldn't exist without us. That he'd die if we aren't in his life.... but truth is, this is the stupidest thought we could have. We have to let the other person continue to live their lives and sort of fit into each other --like puzzle pieces. Neither piece needs to change it's shape. Either it fits or it doesn't. Period. Because the same way a man shouldn't have you waiting by the phone, is the same way you should let yourself wait by the phone. 

Maybe I should respond to his txt now. A 3 hour delay is enough, right? 

[This has been another edition of "I am my own consultant".]

ttyl!