Ask Ella: Should Women Be Submissive?

 

Question: 
Want to know your insight of being a submissive woman. When and why should a woman be submissive? I'm NOT a for good reasons tho. Talk to me Ella.

 - Miss Fierce & Fancy 

 Hola Miss :)

Happy to help. (You know I love these lol).

      I've been wondering about this "Submissive" thing myself. Getting straight to the point, the reason I wasn't (and kinda still don't want to be) is that this was a characteristic used to describe our White sisters, the same trait that made/makes many Black men choose women of another race over us? Not true? Well, it's the first thing that comes to my mind *shrugs* There are two things I never, EVER want to be: A white girl or a chump. Don't get so offended --I simply love myself that much. I'd never change something about myself that God decided. He gave me beauty wrapped in a difficult box & it's the best thing I've got now that I recognize what I'm made of. It's tough to get to me and through me. My favorite thing about being a Black woman is the inherent fear everyone has of me. I don't need to say anything. Especially if I'm the only Black woman in the conversation, I'm usually, automatically The Boss --even before my brothas. See, everyone is afraid of the Black man except one person - The Black Woman. Sorry to pitch in my pro-Black, *fist up* opinion but Eve was made for and of Adam. If you believe in the idea of a soul mate (click here to read "Does Everyone Get a Soul Mate?"), then the real question, how do you treat your "soul mate?" --No matter your age, race or taste, you give that person all of you.

November 9th, 2009

Crazy Talk

Cuz I don't understand how your love can do what no one else can.  Beyonce - "Crazy in love"      

          When you grow up, you realize how immature you were. And how your initial thoughts are the most base ones you have. And how overtime, they'll continue to form until the actually make sense. I grow up all the time. Today, for example. Whenever I'm upset, my initial feelings are always about myself. How I feel in the moment. How fucked up the current situation is for me. Everyone else is the enemy, I promise you. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I believe that I have the right to feel something. And however it comes out first is how I was feeling at the moment. But have you ever stepped back from a situation and reevaluated everything you stood for  a couple of days, hours, minutes ago? Then it all sounds so stupid. It was all so pointless. So many emotions reacting with one another producing unpredictable, uncontrollable results. This is what it's like to be a woman. We are insane. 

     No one did anything to me. Someone told me that once. I was probably yelling about something or other and I don't even remember who it was (I was once a big yeller) but I remember someone telling me that no one is doing anything to me. No one was hurting me. No one was out to get me --especially not him. I try not to think about men so much. I try to not concern myself with where he is and what he's doing and who he's with --because eventually, you've started envisioning him in places he shouldn't be doing thing he shouldn't do and... you drive yourself insane. You've quietly put together a scenario to play through your head as if desired and if you're not strong enough, those thoughts will  begin to control you. You get nervous. You get anxious. You being to think about reasons why he might be somewhere else. You give him license. And as you slowly lose your sanity you show him your ugliest face: the needy, controlling version of you. But you promise that's not you, that's not the person you are. I mean you were. But you're not anymore. I mean you are... but what's so wrong with that? What so wrong with wanting more? When you get to that last thought... and agree with it, you've officially lost your mind. 

         I'm learning to relax. I'm doing well so far. I'm trying to empty my head of the thoughts in it. Somehow I've written about a topic I aimed to avoid. I began this piece trying to semi-apologize about my last post, but I don't care enough about it anymore now that my insanity has taken a hold of me. 

Fuck. I dont like boys. 

I love 'em, though. That's the problem.

          Men have such a great importance in a woman's life. So much so that I was hating on a girl I don't even know (and I'm a fantastic hater when I want to be, thank you) because I'm all alone and she's not. Sheesh. What a loser. What's my issue? lol.. but I mean, really. I needed to know. Part of me just wanted to prove that I'm a good woman, too. That the fact that my ring finger is bare means nothing. That I'm perfect for someone, too. Exactly as I am. Flaws and all.  As a grown woman... I'm ready and willing to admit that I was a little bit jealous. And I'm trying to understand why. I think... we all want to be chosen. And that is kind of what marriage means. Actually... I think I'm on to marriage because boyfriend sounds so... stupid to me. Like... I don't want a boyfriend. I want a man. It's a tough place to be in because you don't want to feel like you're giving yourself to someone who isn't committed to you, yet... calling someone your "boyfriend" doesn't make him faithful. You want to know. You want to be sure. But... if you're not sure from the beginning, you never will be. (And you should probably quit while you still can.) I don't want to fight for someone's trust, I want them to just trust me. I don't want to have to wait for him to prove himself I want him to already be who he needs to be. I don't want the stupid beginings. I don't feel like playing hard to get and figuring out if I like you, I want to like you. Immediately. I want to be excited by the thought of you. I want to feel something. 

     Do men have these problems? I don't think they do. Men don't care who thinks what about them.  Maybe there's one or two guys out there who get jealous of their married friends but probably only because the wife is hot.  They don't go home and reminisce about the day and who wronged them. The only people who can do this to them is women. We drive them insane so they're just like us. The things a man will do for a woman if he loves her... I wonder. My diluted-jealousy only lasted but so long. I  can only hate on a girl for a short period of time for two reasons: 1. Her's ain't for me. She doesn't have the one I want. Of that, I'm sure. So it doesn't phase me. (This is where crazy calms down.) You can only envy what another has to a certain extent. It's one thing to want something like that for yourself evetually, and another to want that exact thing at that very moment. The correct way to approach the feeling is to know that, one day, you'll have something better than that. And it will be better because it will be yours. Your time will come. & mine, too. 2. I'm not a lesbian. It makes me uncomfortable to think about another woman for too long. I have no reason to. 

      I'm around too many older women and wedding dresses & its detrimental to my mental health. My mom works in a bridal shop. My office (full of women 30+) is bling central. I work in the garment district so it flooded with nothing but lace and dress shops. It comes to a point where you have to accept that your time will be your time. When you do, everything slows down. Your heart stops betting so fast. You can taste the air you inhale. Your fingers loosen. Your shoulders drop. When you accept it, you can relax. I get crazy spells every once in a while but I'm learning to talk myself out of them. It's just the the world puts so much pressure on a girl. I need to be perfect. Perfect height, perfect skin tone, perfect track record, perfect taste, perfect wardrobe, perfect toes, perfect abs, perfect ass, perfect shade of lipstick, perfect morals, perfect hair, perfect... everything. And if your man doesn't admit  that he wants perfect... he still does. Wouldn't it be perfect to be perfect? At least perfect for him? To be everything he wants? So that he'll never have to or want to look elsewhere? 

      But you know what would be perfect? If I can be perfect just being me. That 5'2 (and a half) is exactly what he dreamed of. That he likes his ladies to look like coffee with a splash of cream. #BrownSugar. #InTheRaw. And that he can accept my toes and my wearing heels 6 days a week. That would be perfect.  If I could just be me and to know that at any given moment he'd think I'm beautiful. The freedom not give a damn where he is and what he's doing because he knows where home is because he'd be insane to leave me and crazy about me. 

And it will be perfect. 

I just exhaled for the first time in weeks. 

Fuck. 

The Royal Wedding; American Defibrillator

      Say she want to get married, have kids one day. Like, out in Beverly Hills she wanna live one day. Nas "KISSING"

       I don't remember when Diana got married, but I remember that it had taken place. Even more so after the tragedy that followed. Over the past couple of... months, the British had been preparing for today, while Americans have been bitching and moaning the whole way through. We're American, so it shouldn't matter to us, right? What's the big deal? What should we care? Truth is, you don't have to care. But if you are any type of traditional, the event is momentous. 

        There haven't been many weddings. I mean, in my life. Not as many as there should be anyway. And I'm not sure what the cause has been, but it has got to be a lack of something. A lack of finances to have a marriage? A lack of people falling in love? A lack of faith that it will last? A lack of people willing to make that sacrifice? A lack of people who want to get married? I'm not sure, all I know is that recently, I've felt like the entire world (my world is America) places so little value on marriage and it's been accepted too widely, in my opinion. Since when is it okay to bash the sanctity of marriage? Just because you don't believe doesn't make marriage any less valuable for the rest of the world. All it does is make marriage less valuable with you. If you don't value marriage your marriage is likely to suck. So, yes, I agree you should not enter that arrangement. But for the rest of us who see marriage as a covenant of love, allow us to have that. 

"I think you're ready," he said to me. "You talk about marriage... but the way you talk about is like you're ready for that. Like you're longing for that."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No. You'd make a great wife. I'd be lucky to marry someone like you... "

And that's the way he should feel. 

       Eva Mendes was in the news recently for her views on marriage. She's throwing around words like "old" and "unnecessary" (find the article you prefer here, I can't find the original source). The actress has been dating George Augusto for 10 years and is seemingly okay with the situation. That's fine. The Toronto Sun reports that She went on to say "I don't know if I want children, but the idea of marriage sounds very boring to me. I have to be honest... I am extremely romantic but I think there is that little rebel inside me that is anti-establishment. It's just one more fun thing I can rebel against." What she's really rebelling against is being a woman, in my opinion. She has most of the things all women want. Beauty, money, pretty things and a man who's been by her side for a very long time. But there are two things I believe women were made for that she's given up: Women where made for men & children. 

    We were meant for a man. If you're any sort of Christian, this is where Genesis comes into play with the story of Adam & Eve that I'm sure we've all heard --whether you believe in it or not. But  no matter your religion, I guarantee there is one fact you cannot argue: Women were made to have children. If they weren't, men would be able to have children as well. We were given this ability for a reason. & whether you interpret it as simply to maintain the human race or to bring life into the world that may, one day, make a huge difference is on you. (and if a couple can't  have children on their own, I think it's their social responsibility to adopt. Children need parents.) With that said, Ms. Mendes (since she doesn't ever want to be a Mrs.,) can go against tradition if she wants. But if we all went against tradition, there would be nothing but mass chaos and disregard in this world. 

      In understand the theory that walking down the aisle doesn't make a marriage. But it's the same way some people don't show up for graduation. It's bizarre. Why wouldn't you go? Don't you want to celebrate this? It's supposed to be a joyous occasion. It's like a birthday party for both of you together. Corny as it might be, it's when you're love is official "born" into this world to be recognized by all. Technically, a child born at home & never registered doesn't exist. Same goes for a marriage not sealed in matrimony... actually, a marriage done informally really doesn't exist. That's why there are laws like Common Law Marriage. Because regardless of whether or not you want the ceremony, you're married. All it is, is whether or not you want the party. 

     Don't say you don't believe in marriage. You do. You believe in everything it means. What you don't want is the celebration --for whatever reason. Maybe your afraid that if you put on this big show, you might get divorced and then the world world has to know about how your love fell apart. I understand. But that's why you maintain it and find someone who wants to be with you forever. If that person doesn't/won't, they didn't love you like they should have and... sadly, that happens. It's a gamble. Love is a gamble. & If I have the ace, I'm gonna put all my chips in. 

      Check out how Bossip commented, "So you mean to tell us that if you want to get with Eva, you can live with her, enjoy making sweet love to her and leave whenever you want without having to pay half? Where in the world do we sign up?"And that is how men, because that article was obviously written by one, respond to a woman who doesn't want to get married. And perhaps not all of them. But many of them, I'd assume. And if they don't feel this way upfront, it's the "leave whenever you want" that makes them avoid marriage. Yes, marriage is lockdown, but it should be. You shouldn't be able to leave someone whenever you want. You should have to think about it. It should  be difficult. You shouldnt be able to tell someone you 'lll love them forever and then change your mind. You shouldn't. 

     We need to know the real reason people don't want to get married. Because I promise you the reasons that go around are bullshit. What people are afraid of is being left. Publicly. If you divorce, people know. There is record of it. But if you did all you could to make it work, there should be no shame in your divorce. & hopefully it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry world, but I want it all. The white dress and a room full of people who love me. Who love us. A day where we can celebrate our love and invite the people we care about to celebrate that with us. And if a million people wanted to watch my wedding, because it inspired them to do the same or they simply wanted to support my union, then so be it. Not everyone has to care about my wedding, but if they did, I'd greatly appreciate their best wishes.  I'm sure William and Kate felt the same. 

      Marriage is okay. Really. &  even if it's not for you, it's okay to support those who believe in it. Maybe we need this. In society I mean. Maybe we need to revive the immediate household to fix America. In the 50's and such, there wasn't so much bullshit happening and kids weren't slinging coke. Children were respectful. They went to school. They worked hard. It was a different time. Now, when marriage is unimportant and "unnecessary," there are all these fucked up households and barely any family structure in American society. Maybe we need this. Maybe we needed to see that marriage still exists. And that somewhere people still believe. So that little girls can understand that they should be wives rather than "wifeys"and "boo's". They should be treated like princesses. And the guys they date will understand that women are to be married. They are to be courted. Respected. Reveled and celebrated. I don't think it's okay to encourage young women to sit around and be a man's... plaything, or for men to have women stand by them with no obligation. It's gotten to the point where women are being looked down upon for wanting to be married. That is not okay.  

& if you missed it... read "Why Get Married"

She Got it Made: The Gangsta's Wife.

Hold a Goodfella down; "Karen Hill" bitches. -Fabolous, Bitches.

  

        "So what are your plans? What do you want to do? I mean... do you just want to get married, have kids and have a man take care of you?" my roommate asked. "I mean... Eventually," I responded. I figure... its okay for me to want kids, right? For me to want to get married, right? So why can't I also want to be taken care of?  It'd be nice. I think everyone --male or female--would like to be taken care of if the situation allows. To not have to work anymore. It's the Hollywood dream, I think. 

        I love Goodfellas. For a multitude of reasons. Everytime I watch this movie, I watch it from a different point of view. First, there's Henry's story. But if you pay attention, for a big portion of the time, Karen Hill is also narrating. I mean... the story is as much hers as it is his. When I heard Fabolous's lyric above, I had to throw in the DVD and watch the movie again. I mean, it's true. Through it all, Karen stayed by Henry's side. Through the lying, cheating... and his prison sentence, which meant her poverty. We only get a half-view of what Karen went through. 

      You see, Karen was a good girl from the suburbs. Raised by protective mother with strong religious values. But not matter how "good" she was, when Henry Hill tried to stand her up, she drove right over to where he was and put her in her place. She was submissive yet firm all at the same time -- a balance I'm sure is difficult to achieve. You see, Karen tripped about Janice Rossi sleeping with her husband: She hit the intercom buttons for all the apartment's in Janice's building and yelled "You have a whore living in 2R. Rossi. Janice Rossi. He's MY husband. Get Your own God-damed man!" Karen really didn't play.

   She didn't leave him though. "Why should I give him up? Why should she win?" she narrates before the scene change where she's aiming a gun at Henry while he's still asleep. You see, Karen was a good woman... but Henry was a good man. There's a scene where they're both getting dressed. Unfortunately  this video only show's Henry's closet, but if you watch the movie, you can see that her's is just as stacked. [Beading & fur, baby... Beading & fur.] Then he drops her [*This much*] for the day so she can go shopping. If I had a man who could do that for me, I'd be on my Karen Hill game ASAP. 

      Problem is, most men out there want a woman who can stand by their side, when they have nothing to offer. Any woman with a brain wouldn't stand by that. I'm not saying a woman needs the world... but a little piece of it would be nice. A little property. Something. Men can't expect women to be on their Karen hill if they not on their Henry, forreal. It simply makes no sense. Same goes for Mia in Pulp Fiction who could have any man she wants. Yet, she doesn't jeaopordize that on her night out with Vincent because her man, Marsellus Wallace, gives her everything she could possibly want. You can't get everything you want if you don't give everything your partner wants. Like Miss Keri, baby, says "was looking for a man to hold me down. How I end up with you?" 

       Money matters. I'm just not sure neither Henry nor Marsellus would have landed the women they had without a couple of $$ to their names. & I don't think that Mia nor Karen are wrong for this. Sometimes, behind the scenes, a woman is the best asset a man has. I'm talking real life. Like Beckham with Victoria. I'm not sure how much she was making without him, but he allowed her the opportunity to start up the VB line which is sure to expand and make [sorry for the ghetto but] maddddd money in the future & she plans to hand the company down to her son Romeo. That's how you play it. You can't just "live off" a man... you have to take the opportunities that come through him and make it on your own. Truth be told, if I got me a rich boo ready to hand me some money... I'd pay these student loans off. First order of business. lol. 

      It's a new day, though. & Men aren't making enough money for two. But I still have hope. lol... I just think that today [in my circles] men and women are more equal than anything else. But someone has to be willing to sacrifice somewhere. "You gotta have a certain amount of money to do certain shit.," told my roommate. Like... when you have Kobe money... you're allowed to cheat. I'm just saying. A broke man has no say in this world. He has no privileges and deems no sympathy. I think this is because a man with money gets more attention than he actually deserves. So if your man has money... there are women out there who will be attracted to him just because of that. So.. he can deserves a bit of sympathy. In Goodfellas, we see the girlfriends Henry has, and really... we don't hold it against him. Except for Janice Rossi... cuz she just wanted the money. 

     If you get old and boring, you also have to allow more sympathy. Henry's girlfriend, Sandy, on the other hand, was... hot. She did Henry where he wanted, when he wanted, how he wanted. Wives don't typically do that... So if you're not going to give a man everything he needs, you gotta expect him to fail you, too. [See? I'm all about equality.] 

     So yup. Karen Hill had it made. But Henry Hill was makin it. 

        

I Want a Baby. Yea, ME.

You bring me hope when I can't breathe. You give me love, you're all I need. Slowly I'm holding you closely. So happy to carry you inside me. I'll feed you, love, and I hope it's enough to inspire you through suffering, holding you up. 

- Christina Aguilera, "All I Need"

     Ok. Where do I being? First, let me explain to you one method I use to keep up this blog. When I get an idea, or have a new thought, I save the idea as a draft. I usually come up with titles first. So, I save the title. A while ago, I saved this title, "I Want a Baby." I could have saved it at any given point. I'm really not sure what set it off, but the fact remains... somehow I do feel that way. Now, anyone who knows me personally will be shocked. 

     Most people think I don't like kids. Even though I spent most of my high-school summers working day camps, mind you. Still, the fact that I don't want to change someone else's child's diapers somehow translates into me not liking kids. I also would rather not hold babies. I'm just not comfortable. Babies are awkward things. I mean... they're cute, I'm still fascinated by the mere ability for one organism to grow inside of another. I kind of just don't like babies because they have no personality --to me at least. Parents get a whole different view. They have the time to bond with the infant and know what it does/doesn't like... to figure out its quirks and habits. I'm just an onlooker. I like kids when they start sitting up on their own and hold their necks straight. I like them when they can talk. I love kids.  Like the 4, 5 and 6 year olds who have nothing but stories to tell you. Those kids are entertaining. Like... my cousin just had a baby. Now the newborn scares me, but his son? That kid is a BLAST.  I've said it before & I'll say it again -- I'm not interested in anything that shits & throws up on itself. I'm just not ready for that. & I ain't volunteering. 

     Other people think I'm afraid of kids because I am incapable of raising them. I make a lot of jokes about... babysitters, nannies, my mom. I pretend I'm going to push my kids off,  but in reality... I wouldn't have children if that were the case. People say it all the time: How much trouble I'm going to have when I have a child. It always both surprises and offends me... like... am I really incapable? Really because I have a hard time picking out clothes and toys for other people's kids, you think I couldn't raise my own child? I'm not saying it's easy, but if a 16 year old can manage, I'm pretty sure that I -- at 22, educated, employed and insured -- could manage well enough. But then again, that's not a battle I'm ready to fight. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone right now.

       Still, I can't help but to want one (eventually). The other day, I watched my first whole episode of Glee. It was the episode where the cheerleader chick is pregnant and the boyfriend (who's not really the father) feels like he has to tell the whole so he "sings his feelings" to her while at the table with her parents. So he starts to sing Paul Anka's "You're Having My Baby" in which the lyrics read "What a lovely way to tell me you love me." And that's exactly what it is, I think. Babies mean love. And I look forward to finding a man who I love that much that I'm willing to wipe shit and be thrown up for. For me, allowing a man to father my children would be the equivalent of telling him everything I've decided: That I trust him with my heart, my mind, my body, my family, my finances, my woman hood, my future, my dreams, my goals, my aspirations. I know that seems like a lot, but that's the proclamation I'd be making if/when I have a child. 

     It's a frightening feeling for me. Cuz you see, here's the thing. I'm on the path of my career now. This means that my vision for the future moves in no other way than upward with wealth and self-actualization increasing exponentially. When a man has a child, it doesn't really affect him. For me to plan to have a child, I have to figure it according to where I am in my career & how much I'm willing to give up. Because I might have to give something up. I figure I'll be at this job 2-ish years. My next job 3-5. See the more experience you have, the better position you can get. "Entry-level" typically means 0-2years experience. So I plan on having a couple more jobs after this one until I get where I need to go. But if I have a child, I'm either going to have to take a break in between jobs, or be at the job where I can take my 6 months with no problem --Where is it really no problem? I want to have a job where I matter. Where my voice counts. Where if I'm out, people are still calling and emailing me because I'm the Boss. Not somewhere where they can find a replacement easily. I don't think I can have kids until I'm the boss. When I grow up, I want to be a Boss Bitch.  

      I don't think I'm alone in this feeling, the fright might translate to many women out there. Even while I'm dating guys, I kind of.. really...want to know if he wants to have children. But how do you ask a man that without scaring him off? I'm not sure any guy my age really wants to have that conversation. And honestly, I don't think I'm ready for the conversation either. I kind of want someone who secretly want children like I do. I don't even want to talk about it. I just need him to be the type who (when the time is right) wants the same things I want. Similarly, if I don't think the time is right, he should push me. I don't want to hear conversation about the clock ticking and all that other BS. I want a man who doesn't have anything to prove. Who can be content as a man without having children. 

       But maybe I'm only thinking about babies cuz I aint got shit else to think about. That's a dangerous possibility. My cousin gave me a ride to my subway stop the other day & we had a short convo about --you guessed it-- babies. I think there comes a time when each individual person feels like he/she is ready. All I could say is... when the timing is right for you. Mostly because I didn't know what else to say. I don't think people should have kids just to have them. I think it should be because of love. I mean, this planet is already over-populated as is. Not everybody needs to have kids. & Men can have kids forever. Then there's the argument of wanting to "keep up" with your kids. If you don't take care of yourself now, you wont be able to keep up with them regardless of your age.  Me? I just don't plan on getting fat or wearing myself out. Things are very simple in my head, if you haven't yet noticed lol.

        My favorite thing in the world is Fathers. I've never really experienced that, so when I see a man, let's say... walking his kid to school, it makes me smile. I love to see a man taking care of his child. I love a father. But a real father. Not a sperm donor. Sperm donors are my least favorite thing. I love a man who sees the beauty in children. But also the seriousness. A man who sees that there is much more than buying diapers that goes into a child. For me to have a child, I need a man who is already thinking about how to put his kids through college. Because I am. I know my job provides a college savings plan and I intend to use it when the time comes. 

      So let's set the record straight. I don't have children, not because I can't and not because I won't... but because now is not the time. If and when I have my children, I will be an astounding mother because I'll take on Motherhood as I have my career -- or instead of my career. I'm not saying there is a correct way to do it, but I'll take time in finding the best way for myself and man I have chosen to conceive with. I do want children. Many. If my husband is paid enough, I want upwards of 5 and I'll willingly stay home, do charity work and work on my memoir/clothing line. & Yes, I'm afraid of them. Simply because I know their not dolls and, at the moment, couldn't handle the responsibility of taking care of it. I lose and break things all the time. 

      My biggest reason I stay away from children is because I was afraid this would happen. I didn't want to want children. I don't want  to know how to hold it or burp it or feed it. I'm sure it's all easy enough once you get used to it, but the more uncomfortable I am with children, the less likely I am to have one. I want to be uncomfortable. I want children to be serious to me. To be fragile and intimidating. That's the way I want it. I want to be scared. I want my child to be the child that breaks me into it. I want all my firsts to be with my baby. I'm willing to wait and learn because I think it'll be fantastic. I'll ask advice when the time comes... but right now, I couldn't care less how often a baby eats or the right ways to do whatever. 

    Wanna know what interests me right now? Files for E-Blasts should be sent as GIF files and any magazine ad released to a Conde Nast publication needs its copy to be at a 2mm minimum. Also, logo legibility in ads takes a shitload of time to edit and confirm, so when releasing materials to composing companies, one needs to plan accordingly. & did you know that Men's clothing was more profitable this holiday season that women's clothing? Probably because women, this season, are buying more accessories and shoes to compliment their wardrobe than actual clothing. Oh, and the price of cotton is up and so is gold. Coincidence? I think not?---That is the shit I find fascinating at the moment. Not shitty diapers. 

     I believe there is time for it all. I think I have time to live my own  life before I create another. I think I can take care of my body well enough that it lasts. I think that it's ok if I die before my children do, but if I make the right choices now, my body will be better equipped to stand the test of time. I believe children are expensive, and rightly so. I refuse to struggle. I want to give them everything, including my time. So I want to be done with my partying (&I've only just begun). I don't think I need to have children -there are orphans in need of homes and I believe it's an act of moral greatness and selflessness to adopt. I do not believe 30 mid-life. I plan on living beyond 60. & I do not believe in rushing into something as great a parenthood, especially when you have the luxury of waiting. I am going to take my time. & when my time gets here, it'll be beautiful no matter how tough. I guarantee it. 

Why Get Married?

I see you dressed up in white. Face covered in veil. Do I hear wedding bells? My dog throwing rice? And it's the day that your father give you away to a real man. I gently put the ring on your hand. Do we vow to stay faithful? Do more than try to. Now look me in the eye and say, "I do." 

- Nas, "K-I-S-S-I-N-G"

    People in our society have lost all decency. Really, I think this is a product of our country. We were founded on the principals of rebellion. Of treating tradition and rules with total disregard. We are a country infested with pornography the enslavement of bodies for personal gain. Our history is filthy with total disregard for the being and a blatant distaste for anything pure and decent. 

   I love the internet because you get to see what kind of people are really out there. & Like someone's FB status said this morning: There is a village somewhere being deprived of its idiot. As I browsed Necole Bitchie's site, trying to figure out if I like Amber Rose with that wig in Fabolous's "You Be Killin 'Em" video, I saw a link to another post: "One Man's Negative Perceptions of Marraige".  Necole links to a guys video where he goes on to bash the entire institution of marriage. To be honest, he has the same argument most people have: Marriage is all about money. It's too business. From the looks of the beat up leather couch he's sitting on, combined with the white T-Shirt that is probably a major staple in his wardrobe, I can't help but to wonder... does he really think that marriage is a watse of money, or is it that he doesn't have the money to waste? There's all this talk about pre-nup, but... if you have nothing, there's nothing for a woman to take. If you have no money, you have nothing to worry about. And a woman doesn't have to take your money. If you can find a woman who is making her own, you have nothing to worry about. Thing is, men like women who are making less than them because they like to feel like the man. That's who you end up with a chick who's doing nothing for herself. But please believe, I will pay for my half of the wedding costs. 

      Marriage is expensive. But so are other things in life. Why get a BMW 5 series if you can get a Ford Focus that runs just fine? Why live in a one family home if you fit in a two bedroom apartment? All I'm saying is that we put out money for anything we consider valuable. Anything that will increase our prestige in society and this is the main reason women love marriage and men don't like it. Our values on the dating market change. When a woman gets married, her value goes up. She has been chosen. Someone has thought her worthy enough, and good enough, to make her his wife. Marriage proves to us that we are good women. That we are deserving.  Whether this is true or not is besides the point because the feeling and the sentiment are real no matter how much we try to disagree and fight it off. On the other hand, a man's value goes down. When he puts on that ring, he's (half-way) out of the game. He can cheat if he wants, but this just makes him a dog and any good woman wouldn't accept him. A man knows that. His days as a bachelor are over. I know that when I browse through guys' Facebook pictures and see them with pictures of "Wifey", they automatically lose points with me. & Men don't want to lose points in the dating game. They know that any woman who accepts a married man into her bed already, inevitably has low moral standards. So... I understand why this guys doesn't like marriage, not only will it leave him broker that he already is, but deprive him of the cut he thinks he can get. 

      He goes on to say that marraige doesn't change anything. That people who are going to cheat are going to cheat. People who are going to leave will leave. Yes, sir. You are correct. Which is why you shouldn't get married before you're ready. Marriage shouldn't be a method of changing people. It should be a celebration. If you're religious, this is a union before God in which you and the love of your life stand before Him and promise eternity. It is more than a promise to just each other. It is a promise to the world. And the world is whatever you two have. If you're not religious, it's still a celebration of love. A day for the both of you. So what if the girl wants to pretend to be Cinderella for a day? If you love her, its shouldn't bother you too much to stand there and receive your queen. That is what the man gets. That's the idea being being given away at the alter. She becomes yours. And granted people don't like the sense of ownership, but that's where we've.... for lack of a better phrase...  fucked up. 

       On your wedding day, you become one. You are one in the same. Every thought you have includes the other person. Instead of thinking about it in terms of you "belonging" to the other person, perhaps we can view it in terms of having gained something. A partner. A companion. A person who was willing to stand side-by-side with you and swear to everyone who could hear along with everyone who could not that never again will you have to fight a battle by yourself. Never will you walk by yourself again. 

     "We already had sex," he exclaims at one point of the video... Perhaps this is where the demoralization of personal relationships began. There was a time when virginity was sacred and a woman deflowered before her time was doomed to live alone for the rest of her life. She'd be shunned by all. Today though, woman spread their legs and let men ride through like the local car wash. You let them slip in, & they slip out brand new. I'm not saying that we should all go back to being prudes... and it's too late for most of us. I understand that having sex doesn't automatically make you a bad person, but perhaps our limits are screwed up. No, the sex doesn't change after you get married, but should it? Personally, I think it should always be interesting. But maybe you don't need to go all hot & heavy when you first meet someone.. I mean... that never really ends  up well does it? Well... in my experience it hasn't.  Maybe most of the tricks should be saved for later on in the relationship. Keep 'em guessin. 

    I think that, all at the same time, people take marriage too seriously... and not seriously enough. Marriage is a serious affair. Yes, taxes are involved. Money is involved, when you become one things like this are affected. It's not marriage, per say, it's capitalism, really. It's just the way taxes work. And no one says you have to have an extravagant wedding. If you are truly that humble (I said "humble", not "cheap" you can easily have a private ceremony and small dinner. I mean, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker did that.. & they  got money man. It depends on the kind of person you marry. I know that I need to marry a man who likes dressing up and fancy things like I do so that we can both enjoy the day. If I don't find that man, I guess I'm not getting married. I mean, we don't see eye-to-eye.... isn't that enough to push pause? Well, it should be. And really, its just one day. Its a big as birthday party. If marriage isn't going to change anything... why are you so afraid of it? I mean, it doesn't change anything, right? 

     As for the men who "don't believe in" marriage, you should look for a woman who shares your sentiments. You shouldn't have to convince someone to believe in what you believe in. You should marry someone who shares your beliefs. Same goes for women. The guy who posted that video got a reply in this girl's response, and (I wasn't sure it was possible but) she sounds even dumber than he does. This is the type of woman you might end up with. She's an absolute idiot. She can barely form a sentence in her broken English. I also doubt that if this girl were presented with a ring should would turn it down. She'd slip it right on that finger. And if she never gets married, sure... she'll be at the reception of someone else's wedding, sad as hell that no one is willing to make that commitment to her. Marriage isn't necessary. And sometimes better not having to go through with it. Oprah told Barbara Walters that she and Stedman won't get marrried. That if they were married, they'd probably be divorced by now. But you must take into account their lifestyle. The pressure. The media. Marriage wasn't right for her. I mean, if I were Oprah, I wouldn't have married Stedman either. Then again, Oprah and Stedman have no children. And probably won't ever. & She has fulfilled herself in ways many of us regular women can't afford to. Oprah is loved by the world. All I'm asking is to be loved by one man. 

      You  know what? They're wrong. Society isn't telling us that marriage is right. In fact, I think it's the complete opposite. There are many more people know who feel that marrigae is pointless. This then leaves the rest of us who still believe in it's purpose and its beauty to be the ones "asking for too much" and "wanting everything". When all we're asking for is commitment. Love. Man y people like to pose the question, "If we're already in love, why get married?"In response, all I can say is, "If you're in love...Why not?"

      I'm not saying that marriage should be a required step in a relationship, but if it is for you --if it is something that you want -- then it should  be required (or avoided) by you. For your reasons. And your partner should agree with you on all levels. Me? I'm pro-marriage. If we not getting married, I don't need you living up in my house, laying up in my bed with me either. Sorry, but I am not the type to give  myself to a man night after night for the rest f my life while he's too afraid (or, worse, cheap) to allow me one day of recognition. I need a man with true, pure intentions (and who isn't so worried about money). 

Baby(s) Don't Go.

Daddy, where have you been? And when you coming home? You got us here all alone. Mommy, where Daddy went? You always stick up for him. Always said you'd make up for him. Mommy, what happened then? What was he cheating on you? Was he always beating on you? Daddy, where have you been?
- Beanie Sigel in Jay-Z's "Where Have You Been"



This post is long because it has to be. 

      My friends can tell you I'm afraid of babies. Like... I don't like to hold them. When we're in the same room, we both stare at each other like... What the hell are you? To me, they're these little people who scream in cry without warning while constantly shitting on themselves --that is if they're not busy throwing up. I fear children for a multitude of reasons. The runner-up reason is the damage the little sucker will do to my clothing (like what happened to Charlotte's white, vintage, Valentino skirt?  Uh uh. Not. Me.)  The ultimate reason though, which I barely talk about, is fear of another sort. I've said it once before in "Perfect Timing," but I'll quote myself to reiterate: "My greatest fear in having a child is to have to raise it alone." I thought about this the other day. The thought crossed my mind as I was riding the 2  train back to the city. There were these two young girls on the train with their kids in carriages.

**SIDENOTE** Can you please fold up the damned carriage before you get on the train? I'm sick and tired of having to maneuver around babies that take up way more space than is available... And if they're in their carriage, tie the kid down! That's what those effin straps are for. Don't none of us want to chase that child or worry about him falling. And NO, two-year-olds should not be standing up by themselves on the train. I don't care how "advanced" you think your child is.

 God, I had to get that out. We're all thinking it!

 -- Now back to your regularly scheduled program -- 

   I always see moms alone. And I wonder, where is the father? What happened? What went wrong? Did he leave or did she? Did they even try? Was this planned? Did they think it would work? And when she goes home, does she go home happy? Does she sit at the table by herself. Does she cry? I think I would cry. Is she lonely? How does she manage? Parents have this funny thing they do where they kiss their kids on the forehead and smooth down their hair when they're around a group of people. But I know that when that baby starts to kick and holler... it ain't that cute, now is it? Especially if you have to do it alone.

   

         Men leave. Whether you have a baby or not. A baby will not keep a man with you. He has no obligation to you. His obligation is with that child. Typically, the difference here is that the woman usually still has to take care of that child. I'm dating a guy now who has a daughter. He takes care of his daughter but that woman isn't of his concern (I hope? lol).  The child stays with the mother, lives with the mother (mostly). Daddy tends to have the easier part of the break-up because he is allowed to be a part-time Daddy. If you split up, I suggest you not let if be this way. I'm a very 50/50 custody (if you ain't wit it we going to court) type of girl. Because a man shouldn't be allowed to be part-time when the mother has to do most of the work. (FYI, In "Him"'s case, he has his daughter on the weekend because he's in school 4 nights out of the work week and studies on his day off.) But if the father doesn't want to be there DON'T CHASE HIM. I've told my friend in the past, why would you force your child on someone who doesn't want it? That's like knowingly sending your kid off with a bad babysitter. Or forcing them to go to a bad school. Just makes no sense. That's bad parenting.

     What if you want to leave? My opinion is, you have to really think about this. Some girls like to call themselves the BM (Baby Moms) but, personally, I'm not with it. Are you okay with being the one who had his child but can't have his heart? Because that's what it ends up being. If you're completely done with him, go ahead. Leave. But don't go trying to fight every girl he dates or find out what he's doing. It's no longer your concern. If he brings girls around your child, that's something you'll have to deal with. It's his child, too. Hopefully he has enough respect to only bring "good" females around... but that all depends on the type of man he is. 

     Take a long look at the man you have before you. Is he doing what he has to do? Is he being a man? Then be a woman to him. There was a time when people who had children stayed together because that's what people do. If I had a child, I think that's what I'd do. But you have to make the commitment he does. If you're going to make it work, make it work. Grow up. Stop arguing and picking at him. Why don't you try to make him happy? After you have a child, you've entered a marriage... you've simply skipped the fancy stuff. You need to fast-forward. You're going to have to deal with the things girlfriends complain about without complaints. For example: Men don't clean. Men play video games. Men eat, a lot. They're lazy and sometimes/most times dirty. If you're complaining about these things.. you have some growing up to do. Because that's not going to necessarily change from man to man. If you want to leave because of things like this, that's not a good enough reason. You chose to have a child with this man. You thought he was good enough to be a father to your child but you can't stay with him because he likes to ball up his dirty socks and thrown them in the corner?  Get over it. Yes, you can ask him to help you out more and be more considerate. But you have to be an adult about the situation.  Talk, don't yell. I know that easier said than done... but the decision to fast-track your relationship will fast-track the relationship. What did you expect? Given time, you would have figured each other out without the screaming baby. Now you've got to hurry up and work that shit out. If you want him to stay you've got to put in work too. It's no longer one-sided like dating where it's all about the female (yes, that's how it should be.). 

        Do you stay? I don't know. I understand the argument of wanting to be a "family". But families come with all different make-ups. That doesn't make it any less of a family. If you love him,  STAY. But show him that you love him. This isn't grade school. You can't just go breaking up every two weeks. There's another (crying, screaming, gross, little) person involved now. It's more serious than you two. If you don't love him... if he's not a good man... things wont work out. If he's putting his hands on you. LEAVE. There is no excuse for that. I don't even want to talk about that further because LEAVE is all that needs to be said. If he's cheating on you, you have to make that decision. Some women don't care. But if you don't care, don't care. Don't change your mind later. Then there's finances, I'm tellin you... when it comes to kids, I think the most important thing is a man who pays the bills and puts food on the table. Cuz there ain't many men who can. That's me though. I can't raise children with a jobless man. I'm not saying you should stay with him because of the money. I am saying you should probably leave if he has none lol.

        Thing is,  I can't give you a solid answer because I've never been in those shoes. I don't know what it feels like to be a mother and to have link with another person that is literally a combination of your blood. I don't know what that's like and I'm not one to speak on things I don't know. I avoided that because I knew how hard it must be. Some girls go through drama with men and then go on a "fuck niggas, it's all about me and my [son/daughter)". Well, that's how it should have been in the first place. Your first mistake was ever putting a man in front of your child, regardless of if your married or whatever. If you have to take your child and go, you GO. 

    **At this point... I'm going to put out information about my family that even my best friends don't know. 

I'd like to introduce you to me. 

     My mother married at 20? 21? She had my brother when she was 23. My sister when she was 25. The father of her children was an alcoholic. He wouldn't come home. She wasn't happy. My mother took her two children moved to Rhode Island with $1000. With that money, she rented an apartment on Earle St. in Central Falls, turned on the electricity and bought food and a mattress. On the first day, she walked to Dexter St and turned left. She walked into every business and applied for anything they'd offer her. That night, she slept with her son and daughter on that mattress. On the second day, she walked to Dexter St and turned right. Again, she applied for anything offered. She did this everyday until she got a job. She did this alone. With no man. 

      Then she met a real man. I don't know if young moms think this, but I'll say it would be a worry of mines: the thought that you won't be able to find a man to love you while you have a child with  someone else. There are real men out there. My father was one of them. He was with my mother for SIX years and helped to take care of her and her TWO children before they had me. He even offered to legally adopt my brother and sister. In my house when we talk about "Papi," that means my dad. My father passed away in a car accident when I was 9 months old. So technically, he was more of a father to my brother and sister than he was to me. So much so that when my sister's real father asked her why she wouldn't call him "dad" (she had to have been like 20 at this point), she said to him "My father is dead." And I don't doubt that she meant that both literally and figuratively. If a man isn't there for his children, the children will notice. You don't have to tell them. My brother was 25 when his father tried to contact him again, from his hospital bed, days before he died. My brother wouldn't speak to him. Said that wasn't his real father. If you're a good woman, a good man will come along. But a man won't have any respect for you if the reason you left your man was to go out and chase dick (had to say it that way because, plain and simple, that's what your doing). But if you deserve a good man, he'll come to you. Don't you worry.

      If you think you can't do it without him, you've never been wronger in your life. Things will be hard no doubt. When I was growing up, we got all our food from local food banks. My Christmas gifts were on layaway since August and they must have only totaled maybe $50. My mom used to bring me to churches where they'd give me ONE gift. Just so that I had something nice. I know what it's like to grow up struggling. That shit is hard. My mom used to work two sometimes 3 jobs and I wouldn't see her for days, but you know what? I've never been hungry once my entire life. And now, as a woman, I know that I don't need a man because my mother showed me that. There is no one stronger than a woman who can hold her own. I encourage you to have faith in yourself. If not for your own pride, then so your children can grow up knowing what a strong woman looks like. Especially for your daughters. There aren't enough women out here.  Don't teach your daughters to be dependent on men. I've seen what that looks like, too. And it ain't pretty. 

     So if you feel like you have to leave. Leave. If you're just emotionally frustrated and he's not paying you enough attention, you want more dates, he complains too much, you want to go to the club and not have him checkin on you.. you know, all that girlfriend bullshit... you need to really think about this. You aren't in the position anymore to cut him off with explanation. Sit him down. Let him know how you feel. Tell him he's not allowed to talk until you get absolutely everything you want to say off your chest. No interruptions. No explanations. If he loves you, he'll listen. If you want this to work I have one ultimate piece of advice: Tell him the truth. If you're honest with him, he'll be honest with you... and you will grow together. You never lose the right to look out for yourself, but in a relationship where a child is involved, you do lose the right to be selfish. And if you're feeling some type of way... how do you know he's not also having a hard time. After you talk, be fair and shut up. Give him a chance to do the same. Don't interrupt. If you're the type to interject, have him hold up a sign that says "Don't Interrupt Me" every time you start talking. I know that's corny... but it'll probably work and it'll also be funny as hell. Watch out though... he might keep the sign. 

    I think you should try to make it work... but not so much that it ruins everything. 

With no experience in this type of relationship, I hope this made sense. Just an unbiased perspective. So.. you know the deal....correct me if I'm wrong. 

If I Can't be Carrie Bradshaw, I'll be Samantha Jones.

My life's motto: Work it, Bitch.

     It's been quite a day for me -- quite some two days actually. I flew down to Baltimore, moved all my things out of storage and into a Uhaul. Then drove up to my sister's house in Jersey City to move  my things into storage here. I moved everything by myself --by everything, I mean everything I've owned, bought and used (or not used) for the past four years in Baltimore where I literally had an apartment while I stayed at Loyola (A+ dorms!). This means everything except furniture. BTW I LOVE clothes. Like, love love. By "myself" I mean, by myself. Yeah.

     So after after all the moving and hauling I joined my new roomies (I know I live in their house, but calling my sister & her husband my "roomies" somehow makes me feel less publicly pathetic) for yoga at SunMoon. At the end of yoga sessions, one lays flat on their back in a position of relaxation --exactly what I had been looking forward to. But the instructor did one thing that set me off track. "Take any extraneous thoughts," she said "and push them out." Really? How can you bring the term "extraneous thoughts" into my mind for me and then expect me to think of other things? When someone tells you not to think of what's bothering you, it's like a levy broke. Needless to say, a mental flood ensued.

    First, I thought of him. I thought of why he hasn't called. Of where things went wrong. Whether I should fix it of if it's his responsibility. If it'll ever come back. In one instant I thought of hate and of love as one; for me they are inseparable. I thought of my friends. The summer we shared. The trust we have. The test of time that we've endured. Of how much I'll miss them. I thought of my cousins who will be my new group of friends as I learn NYC. How much time will they expect from me? What if I don't have time? Will they even understand if I don't have time? Will I have time for them? For me?

     When the instructor told me to bring my mind back to the present moment, I thought of where I was. The move I had just made. The steps I'm making. The goals I have made and conquered in my lifetime. Of what is next. Moving is scary. Not just moving physically, but mentally, emotionally and professionally as well. Things are moving for me, but I can't quite predict what's next. It's like driving through new terrain and not knowing if there's a valley, hill or cliff up ahead.

     Tomorrow is my first real day of work. No guides. No shadowing. And... I am scared out of my mind. There are so many demands to meet. I'm going in at 8:15am (even though I don't have to be there till 9) and don't plan on leaving until 7pm (there is no "clocking" in or out here). It seems I've willingly given up my life. I'm going to work everyday for longer than most people. I'm going to pay rent higher than most people. Inherit more stress than most people. To top it off, I come home to my sister's family. When I get my own place, I'll be going home to myself. Yes, it's sad.

     Yesterday, my friend Ashely asked me what my timeline was. You know, for marriage and all that good stuff. This past summer, my friends (all of whom are mothers) asked me the same questions. I mean, my answers to these questions are always a rendition of the same thing: I don't even have the guy yet.  How can I plan the rest when the most important piece is missing?

      (Surprisingly) My mom asked me how many kids I wanted to have which I responded: "I'm 22, I'm more worried about how many carats are in the ring." Me contestaste bein, she said. That means, You answered me well. In the words of Beyonce (as if she's a philosopher), My momma taught me better than that. 

     Another rendition: "When I get a house to put the kid in and a husband to have the kid with."   

     Am I going to be a work-aholic? Perhaps, I've always known that I would and that's why I wanted to be in fashion industry. At least I'd be fashionable and be invited to the hottest parties where I'll show up wearing the hottest outfits. If I end up alone, I'll be a cougar. Some hot model's sugar momma, I suppose. I just saw pictures of  Calvin Klein  and his supposed "partner" Nick Gruber that give me hope that if I stay good looking and fashionable, I'll pull a 20-year-old when I'm 67, too. If I can't be Carrie Bradshaw, I'll be Samantha Jones. It's not that I want to be alone, simply that I can be alone. A man would make me happy, but I don't need a man to be happy. Much less do I need a child to do that. Men (who are men as I prefer them to be) don't cry.

Let me make this PSA:

I'm broke, yo. Right now, I can't have kids or a stingy man. In my ideal life, I want to go to work, leave work, go shopping, go home, put on designer shoes, clothes and accessories to go A) on dates with hot men who drive nice cars and take me to nice places where we eat good food and he surprises me with nice things he bought me or B) to hot clubs with tall drinks and much taller men.

For now at least. I mean... Hey, I'm a city girl :)  If there's still hope for Carrie & Mr. Big, there's plenty hope for me.