Male Whores Galore.

"Used to tell they friends I was ugly and wouldn't touch me. And then I showed up in that dubbed out buggy. Then they got fussy and they don't remember that...and I don't remember you." Jay-Z - Song Cry

            The thirst is super real. I've been to a couple of showcases and open mics lately and I swear it keeps getting thirstier out there. N*ggas go from asking me my name, to if I "have a man".  "You married," they like to ask. Little do they know, I wouldn't date a man who doesn't understand that marriage would mean a ring on my finger. If he doesn't care to look for whether or not the ring is there, I ain't counting on him to put it there either.Perhaps the reason men end up dating whores is because they "wanna get to know" anything walking down the street.

 I haven't talked about my "love life" for some time, but it seems that's all people care about. I wish people would mind their business.  When I talk about how my puppy thinks my bed is hers, people only want to talk about how I'll handle having a man in bed. You see... that's the problem. When you think of me and my bed, all you want to know is who's in it. When I mention the museum, no one cares who went with me.

           "I mean, you beautiful. I wanna get to know you," follows me everywhere. "That don't say sh*t about me, hun. Have a nice day," is the only way I can respond. The worst is when they ask for my number to "talk"... aboooout whaaaaat? It's terrible in this industry, too because niggas will pretend to respect you and invite you events and all that, but get you in a private conversation and try their hand. Perhaps we do need stronger gun laws cuz these n*ggas are likely to test and I'm likely to respond. I'm rarely alone with men. There are few I trust private conversations with. I don't trust private conversations period, but when n*ggas lie, things end up worse. Even if nothing happened, guys do go by the guy code... and if they think the homie hit it... he might as well should have. You can ask about me... I truly don't play games, but when I do I play them well. It's funny cuz I'll get on stage and give them a "f*ck niggas" verse, and then they'll try to run game on me --wife me even (in hood terms, no ring). N*ggas just don't listen.

Ask Ella: Should Women Be Submissive?

 

Question: 
Want to know your insight of being a submissive woman. When and why should a woman be submissive? I'm NOT a for good reasons tho. Talk to me Ella.

 - Miss Fierce & Fancy 

 Hola Miss :)

Happy to help. (You know I love these lol).

      I've been wondering about this "Submissive" thing myself. Getting straight to the point, the reason I wasn't (and kinda still don't want to be) is that this was a characteristic used to describe our White sisters, the same trait that made/makes many Black men choose women of another race over us? Not true? Well, it's the first thing that comes to my mind *shrugs* There are two things I never, EVER want to be: A white girl or a chump. Don't get so offended --I simply love myself that much. I'd never change something about myself that God decided. He gave me beauty wrapped in a difficult box & it's the best thing I've got now that I recognize what I'm made of. It's tough to get to me and through me. My favorite thing about being a Black woman is the inherent fear everyone has of me. I don't need to say anything. Especially if I'm the only Black woman in the conversation, I'm usually, automatically The Boss --even before my brothas. See, everyone is afraid of the Black man except one person - The Black Woman. Sorry to pitch in my pro-Black, *fist up* opinion but Eve was made for and of Adam. If you believe in the idea of a soul mate (click here to read "Does Everyone Get a Soul Mate?"), then the real question, how do you treat your "soul mate?" --No matter your age, race or taste, you give that person all of you.

Crazy Talk

Cuz I don't understand how your love can do what no one else can.  Beyonce - "Crazy in love"      

          When you grow up, you realize how immature you were. And how your initial thoughts are the most base ones you have. And how overtime, they'll continue to form until the actually make sense. I grow up all the time. Today, for example. Whenever I'm upset, my initial feelings are always about myself. How I feel in the moment. How fucked up the current situation is for me. Everyone else is the enemy, I promise you. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I believe that I have the right to feel something. And however it comes out first is how I was feeling at the moment. But have you ever stepped back from a situation and reevaluated everything you stood for  a couple of days, hours, minutes ago? Then it all sounds so stupid. It was all so pointless. So many emotions reacting with one another producing unpredictable, uncontrollable results. This is what it's like to be a woman. We are insane. 

     No one did anything to me. Someone told me that once. I was probably yelling about something or other and I don't even remember who it was (I was once a big yeller) but I remember someone telling me that no one is doing anything to me. No one was hurting me. No one was out to get me --especially not him. I try not to think about men so much. I try to not concern myself with where he is and what he's doing and who he's with --because eventually, you've started envisioning him in places he shouldn't be doing thing he shouldn't do and... you drive yourself insane. You've quietly put together a scenario to play through your head as if desired and if you're not strong enough, those thoughts will  begin to control you. You get nervous. You get anxious. You being to think about reasons why he might be somewhere else. You give him license. And as you slowly lose your sanity you show him your ugliest face: the needy, controlling version of you. But you promise that's not you, that's not the person you are. I mean you were. But you're not anymore. I mean you are... but what's so wrong with that? What so wrong with wanting more? When you get to that last thought... and agree with it, you've officially lost your mind. 

         I'm learning to relax. I'm doing well so far. I'm trying to empty my head of the thoughts in it. Somehow I've written about a topic I aimed to avoid. I began this piece trying to semi-apologize about my last post, but I don't care enough about it anymore now that my insanity has taken a hold of me. 

Fuck. I dont like boys. 

I love 'em, though. That's the problem.

          Men have such a great importance in a woman's life. So much so that I was hating on a girl I don't even know (and I'm a fantastic hater when I want to be, thank you) because I'm all alone and she's not. Sheesh. What a loser. What's my issue? lol.. but I mean, really. I needed to know. Part of me just wanted to prove that I'm a good woman, too. That the fact that my ring finger is bare means nothing. That I'm perfect for someone, too. Exactly as I am. Flaws and all.  As a grown woman... I'm ready and willing to admit that I was a little bit jealous. And I'm trying to understand why. I think... we all want to be chosen. And that is kind of what marriage means. Actually... I think I'm on to marriage because boyfriend sounds so... stupid to me. Like... I don't want a boyfriend. I want a man. It's a tough place to be in because you don't want to feel like you're giving yourself to someone who isn't committed to you, yet... calling someone your "boyfriend" doesn't make him faithful. You want to know. You want to be sure. But... if you're not sure from the beginning, you never will be. (And you should probably quit while you still can.) I don't want to fight for someone's trust, I want them to just trust me. I don't want to have to wait for him to prove himself I want him to already be who he needs to be. I don't want the stupid beginings. I don't feel like playing hard to get and figuring out if I like you, I want to like you. Immediately. I want to be excited by the thought of you. I want to feel something. 

     Do men have these problems? I don't think they do. Men don't care who thinks what about them.  Maybe there's one or two guys out there who get jealous of their married friends but probably only because the wife is hot.  They don't go home and reminisce about the day and who wronged them. The only people who can do this to them is women. We drive them insane so they're just like us. The things a man will do for a woman if he loves her... I wonder. My diluted-jealousy only lasted but so long. I  can only hate on a girl for a short period of time for two reasons: 1. Her's ain't for me. She doesn't have the one I want. Of that, I'm sure. So it doesn't phase me. (This is where crazy calms down.) You can only envy what another has to a certain extent. It's one thing to want something like that for yourself evetually, and another to want that exact thing at that very moment. The correct way to approach the feeling is to know that, one day, you'll have something better than that. And it will be better because it will be yours. Your time will come. & mine, too. 2. I'm not a lesbian. It makes me uncomfortable to think about another woman for too long. I have no reason to. 

      I'm around too many older women and wedding dresses & its detrimental to my mental health. My mom works in a bridal shop. My office (full of women 30+) is bling central. I work in the garment district so it flooded with nothing but lace and dress shops. It comes to a point where you have to accept that your time will be your time. When you do, everything slows down. Your heart stops betting so fast. You can taste the air you inhale. Your fingers loosen. Your shoulders drop. When you accept it, you can relax. I get crazy spells every once in a while but I'm learning to talk myself out of them. It's just the the world puts so much pressure on a girl. I need to be perfect. Perfect height, perfect skin tone, perfect track record, perfect taste, perfect wardrobe, perfect toes, perfect abs, perfect ass, perfect shade of lipstick, perfect morals, perfect hair, perfect... everything. And if your man doesn't admit  that he wants perfect... he still does. Wouldn't it be perfect to be perfect? At least perfect for him? To be everything he wants? So that he'll never have to or want to look elsewhere? 

      But you know what would be perfect? If I can be perfect just being me. That 5'2 (and a half) is exactly what he dreamed of. That he likes his ladies to look like coffee with a splash of cream. #BrownSugar. #InTheRaw. And that he can accept my toes and my wearing heels 6 days a week. That would be perfect.  If I could just be me and to know that at any given moment he'd think I'm beautiful. The freedom not give a damn where he is and what he's doing because he knows where home is because he'd be insane to leave me and crazy about me. 

And it will be perfect. 

I just exhaled for the first time in weeks. 

Fuck. 

Lucky Number 7

It's about time I fill you in.

       7. That's how many "men" I supposedly met that night we went out to Club Rebel. Honestly, I give my number out to anyone who asks for it. "Seven?!" My cousin practically yelled in my ear, "Why so many?" "Because I could," I responded like the smart-ass I was raised but followed up with, "Seven guys means seven dates." At least it does to me. If I work it right, I can do a date a week. That's almost two months worth of entertainment. Some guys will want to see you immediately. Others will take a while to smooth talk into taking you out --but overall, you just get to meet people.  Why seven? Because I know that I don't like most men I meet. And some are tougher to coax into a decent date. Seven gave me a better chance than 3. & Lots better than one. The thing is,most men aren't deserving of your time. Thy think they're so suave. That they've said the right things. But they have no idea what they're up against. When you don't want a man, you don't want him. & it's been a tough battle finding what I desire. 

        Whore. You might want to call me that. But, in reality, it's just your own subconscious talking. Or perhaps your own inability to enjoy someone with becoming physically involved with them. I pity you. The way I work the situation is by offering nothing more and nothing less than the full truth.  I'm not looking for anything. We can be friends.  I'm busy. With those three phrases I've covered all bases. Here's what I've really said: I'm not interested in moving forward with anyone --especially not you --and even if I did, I don't have the time for it.  

    I don't go out on weekdays, I add when they ask when I'm free. This is my only (partial) lie. I like to keep men confined to the weekends. I don't lose sleep on men I don't know and if I am going to be a little late to work, it isn't going to be off of some random nigga taking my sleep time. If I've given you a weekday, you should understand the value of my time must be matched by the value of you. Now, you might think me cold. Unemotional. A bitch, even. Oh well. The thing is, allI want is a little entertainment. I don't want someone I have to tend to. I don't have the time for it. I also don't want him to feel like he'll be swimming in it anytime soon --if at all. 

        I don't do "Blockbuster" nights. I might be the reason Blockbuster went out of business. There are way too many men who want to lay up with you the first chance they get. You'll know how "into" you they are when you push for something other than a make-out session. The truth is, most men stop calling me because I just want to be taken out. But I've realized that... I simply don't want them all in my shit.  Men think that they can get you alone in a room and smooth their way into a kiss on the neck and move towards whatever else and, don't get me wrong, some can --but only if I want you too. You must be out of your mind to think that I want you all to do this. If I'm physically attracted to a guy -and want to take it to another level, there is no questioning how I feel. He'll know it. If you and I sit and have a conversation about how I don't have sex --a conversation I am well versed in, there is no chance, hunny. Some of these men just want company. Or they're too dumb to understand that they've lost the battle before it's begun. So when I'm asked what I like to do, I also give the real answers: I like to lay in my bed and tweet. Alone. I listen to music. Alone. I read. Alone. I let them know that I'm not looking for company, I'm looking for entertainment. My bedroom is not a venue. 

         I enjoy male company more than that of females. I like to be escorted. To be treated. I like to feel like I'm with a "protector". I can't get that when I'm out with females. That's when I  feel like the protector. That's why I date so much. I like male company -- but these guys won't play the fool for too long. Eventually, they get tired of taking me out with nothing in return. That's when I go back out and stack up on my next 7 dates. And to be honest, I love attention. When you're out with a guy, he pays attention to you. If he took the time to take you out, he actually likes you --at least a little. So when you go out with him, it's all smiles and compliments. You feel special. You feel wanted. Who doesn't want that? 

     Honestly, I don't think I'm a bad person. Actually, I think I'm a great person which is why I understand why these guys elect to take me out and continue to call once I've grown bored. There isn't a two-way connection. We aren't meant to be. You meet these guys and you know, from the jump, that it won't work out. That he's not exactly your type. His flaws are all too visible. But a girl gets lonely. And these boys help ease the pain. For an hour or so, you forget that your heart is somewhere else. Meanwhile, you get to eat some good food. & I prefer candlelight. So I apologize, but until the day my Prince Charming comes back to me, I'm going to take these boys for what they're willing to give. No more. No less. But I promise you, I let them all know in advance. 

      What's more bizarre is how 7 men can't add up to one. If you ain't the one, you just ain't the one. So I date them all, just to make sure. One date is all it takes. Actually... one exchange. One conversation. One glance. And they know it, too. There's no way they think I'm the woman they'll end up with. And if they do, it's because I, ultimately, wouldn't be a bad choice. But when that person is the one there is no doubt. It just is. 

      And so I've taken on a new route. I date. It's what I do. Because... people are awesome. You can have an amazing time with someone if you simply participate.  It's great conversation. And you get to pick out a killer outfit.  And honestly.... it's practice. Dating guys puts you into uncomfortable situations. You meet their friends when you don't want to. Parents in the most awkward places. You simply know how to be. You can actually talk to them. You can figure out what  men typically like and what they don't. Honestly, dating grooms you into the significant other you should be. Technically, I'm single. But I'm learning how no to be without my mishaps affecting the relationship I really want. 

This guy told be recently that I'm too vague... I'm working on that. But if you're trying to figure out what's really going on in my head..just stay tuned. I'm in a very FML situation and trying to clear my mind in the most appropriate order.

*sigh* 

More coming soon. 

Ask Ella: Should I chase my dream?

What do I do?

     You never stop believing. For a minute there, I forgot that dreams come true. Because too many people say they won't. Too many... haters out there. They tell you that nothing is perfect. That life won't turn out the way you want it. That you "never know". 

Fuck that. 

      Never let go of your fairytales. The moment you do is the moment all else comes crashing down. Don't stop believing in your dreams. No matter how farfetched. Actually... especially the ones that seem far. I can't say that they will, for certain, come true. But I know --for a fact --that if you don't believe in them, they will never realize. You won't accomplish anything you go into half-heartedly. If you want it, get it. Fuck what "they" say. Fuck what "they" think. "They" don't matter. 

       There is an army of nay-sayers marching in your mind. You must defeat them. Lives will be lost. It's inevitable. You might have, at a point previous, thought the battle was won. But you walked away torn and bruised. Confused as to which strategy to employ next. But you need to understand that in every battle lost there are lessons you can learn. I mean... what doesn't kill you arms you. Prepares you for the next battle. You've walked away with minor inflictions but nothing that can deter you from moving forward. From progressing. From getting what it is you aimed for in the first place --that is, if you remain focused --because every battle you fight is always the means to the same end: Happiness. 

        I want you to listen to your heart. Do what you feel is right without hesitation. You know what  Jay said about he who hesitates in war? He who hesitates is lost.  I don't want you to miss out. Not on one opportunity or experience. You do what you feel is right. You've got to learn to trust yourself. Even in the poor decisions you make --My poorest decisions were the ones I am most grateful for. It is better to regret having done something, than to wonder how it would have been had you tried. 

     Don't let it slip away.  Have faith. If you believe in it, it's real. It's yours. You don't have to justify it to the world. They only person who should co-sign the decisions you make is yourself. You should be your biggest supporter. Your #1 fan. Confide in your heart. It won't steer you wrong. That is the only thing I can promise. 

    In a world controlled by fear of rapists, terrorists, pedophiles and mass murderers, we need something. We need love. We need happiness. If there is one thing you can do to make the world a better place, it's to believe in yourself. The least you can do  is make yourself  happy --even if no one understands why you've made the decisions you've made. At least your happy. 

        If you think he loves you, he loves you. If you think, one day, you'll rule the world --start picking out your crown. Somewhere, we lost our fairytales. We stopped believing in love at first sight. Princes and princesses were storybook characters. Hard work got you nowhere and a college degree wasnt worth shit. Somewhere along the path, the road flipped right the fuck upside down. And anyone left believing in love, success and education was certifiably insane. Anyone believing in themselves... well... we're the new 5 percenters. 

       We are gods in our own right. If there is anyone who can make your dreams come true, it's you yourself. No one else. You are the ruler of your world. You can make shit happen if you really want it to... and when it comes to love, find yourself a god just like yourself, and he'll treat you like the goddess he recognizes you to be. 

         So what do you do? You do the impossible. You do it twice. 

My First Truth; My Biggest Lie

[You] gotta give me free time even if it hurts.  Jay-Z "Lost One"

       He's a beautiful person. He's not the world's most perfect person, but I was willing to work with that. I was willing to try with him. And it was fabulous, it really was. He gave me so much of himself. So much of his truth. For the first time in my life, I trusted the man I was with. I knew that if I asked him a question, he'd answer me with honesty. I thank him for what he did for me. He's the one who made me believe I'm beautiful. & he might just have ruined it for the rest of you guys. More importantly though, he kept me level headed. Rather, forced to me be. So I'm well aware of my imperfections. I am more than conscious of which parts of myself call for improvement. I'm not perfect. And he's not perfect. And I was okay with that... until I remembered who might be. & he's not perfect either, but I'm a delusional young girl looking for love. You can't really blame me. 

        There is no real reason D & I shouldn't be together. There is the argument we had. And then there is the reason I manufactured. And while both are true, they're not earth-shattering or typically relationship-ending. I still care for him and I know that he cares for me. He didn't hurt me. He didn't betray me. But he did remind me of where I want to be. And that was his greatest mistake. I've been a pain in the ass to him and for the first time, I'm going to admit the real reason: I'm stuck on a boy I should probably forget.

         There's a chance I'm making the biggest mistake in my life. There's a chance that D is my soul mate and we were meant to be, but even if that's true, right now is not the time for it. Just like right now isn't the time for You. I do this thing in my head where I measure the men I date up against a standard. Unconsciously, I rank them on every level: Attractiveness, potential worth, current worth, manners, level of romance, how good the sex is/might be and even down to how he'd look in a tuxedo --more specifically, how he'd look in my wedding pictures. (I'm semi-insane A.K.A, I'm a female.) This is something we do, I think. I don't judge myself for it, I simply accept that this is how my mind functions. This is the pattern of my thoughts. When I date guys, I try my hardest to have them live up to this standard and have decided the the one closest to it is the one I should pursue --the one who is closest to perfect as possible. 

      Some might think me naive because I aim for perfection. Its not that I think everything I do is perfect,  (although most times it is), but because if I fall short, I'll still be pretty fuckin close. Why not aim for perfect? Why not chase the man who most fully satisfies you? Why settle? So that you're not alone? Frankly, that's not fair. Not fair to you and not fair to the person he'd actually be perfect for. I want the man who is perfect for me. The one I need nothing from. The one whose essence I'm in love with --even if I don't really know him. I simply can't allow myself to be with one man when I continue to think of another. 

    I don't want to be unhappy. I want to be excited to go home everyday to that person. That's what I want to feel. A friend of mine told me about her boyfriend once and said, "I'm not in love with him." At that time, I felt like, Well you better learn how, because they have a child together. But now I'm not really sure. I'm not sure I could do it. I can talk that talk, but I've never taken that walk. Still, I have no attachment to anyone, so it's easier (and probably my best option) to let what D and I had die out. I don't think I should play it out any longer. I believe that if we keep on, we might ruin everything and end up hating him. I'll continue to find reasons to be upset with him, when in reality, I'm simply upset because I'd rather be somewhere else --or I'd rather him be someone else.

     This is a huge gamble. I'm giving up the only guy I actually like based on the existence of someone else who is never present. But when I started dating D, I still had You in mind. I wanted attention and I wanted company, but in the back of my mind, I wanted it from You. Still, I kept on with D because he wasn't a bad guy. And he deserved my time. And he treated me the way a lady should be treated --until he pissed in my cups, that is. But, the truth is, when a woman wants to be somewhere else, she will find any reason in the world to leave you. (Or to have you leave her.) You might not know that she's thinking about someone else, but if there's a constant attitude, if you feel like you are annoying her... it's because her heart is somewhere else. When a girl likes a guy, you treat him like a King. You wait on him hand and foot. You'll do anything. But if you don't feel that way, you can't force yourself to. That's when you start having an attitude for no reason. That reason is that you're not happy. That moment is when you should end it. It's not right. It doesn't get any better. You try. But you won't be able to shake it. Not until you find out that where you wanted to be doesn't work out. I won't be able to g aive D (or anyone else) fair run until You is completely out of the picture.

      Maybe one day, when You & I have our chance and I find out all of his real flaws, I'll go running back to D. Hopefully he'll accept me, although probably he won't. And I'll have to start my search for love all over again. Part of me feels like a terrible person. I shouldn't have treated him like that (probably shouldn't have blogged about it at least), but he knew it was coming. And if he's a sensible man, he'll understand I have to find out. I have to know. Or else I'll never be fully his. I found out when You might be in the city again, and I realized I couldn't be honest about it. If D and I were still in a relationship, I'd still go see You. At least lunch. But who knows where that lunch will go. And granted, I'm in full control of my body, but you shouldn't do anything to your partner you couldn't handle yourself. If D had told me he was having lunch with a girl he's secretly in love with, I'm not sure I'd be okay that. And if he lied about it, that'd be even worse. So in hopes to spare us of all that drama, I can't be with him anymore. And I found my excuse to leave.

       I apologize for anything hurtful I may have posted about him previous to this blog, but I had to get the frustration out. I had to blame it on him somehow. I had to make him look like a dog so that could look like a saint. The biggest reason though, is that I had to tell you all what happened so that I can't go back to him. Because I shouldn't go back to him. It's not the right move for him and not the right one for me. I can't be trusted. I'm still not convinced that he's the one. I was still giving out my number. I was still going on dates. And while I never really "cheated," there's a chance that I would. And that's not right. If you know there's a chance you won't be faithful to someone, you should end it before it happens. D's ex had been contacting him for a couple weeks while we were together. Calling him and telling him about all her hoe activities while he had been with her. It was tearing him apart. I could see it. I wouldn't do that to him. He doesn't deserve that. He's a good man who needs a good woman (a stupid hood-rat who'll spend on him and gravel at his feet, I told him). He doesn't need to be ridiculed, embarrassed or purposely put down.  I had to tell you all about his pissing in my cups because of the entertainment value, but she crossed the line on so many levels. There's certain things you just don't say about a man... Mainly, having to do with his manhood. If you still don't understand, here's my Rule #2, A Lady should never talk about a man's penis.


But I'm going to talk about D's this one time. Just cuz she did.

Next Post: Big D. 

        

My Little Boy[Friend]

     Fully employed, he says. Salaried, he adds on. Even has health insurance so we can go get checked up together. Spends so much cash & time I almost forgot he lives with his momma. Not to mention, he waits on women to buy his clothes & shoes & dress him. To top it off, he pee's in cups when no one is looking. 

    Maybe it's because he's a nurse. Maybe he's used to seeing piss sit around. But everything in me wanted to hold him by his neck and rub his face in it. What the fuck is wrong with you? I wanted to asked  through clenched teeth. But I at there. Looking at the cups. Fill of piss. Earlier that night, I had woken up and say them there. I wondered why they were full. I had just bought a brand new bottle of Apple juice so I thought to myself, I know this nigga didn't pour two full cups of apple juice. When we officially woke up, and I asked him, "What is that?" he readily answered the question.

"I had to piss," he said laughing.

"You couldn't use the bathroom?"

"There was someone in there."

"And you couldn't wait?"

"I had to piss."

"So you pee'd in my cups?"

"I had to piss."

"And you left the shit there for me to wake up to? For me wake up to piss in my cups? Why would you pee in my cups?" I was trying to be nice. I needed to know. "I don't know," he said. Which is the stupidest shit a grown man could say. What the fuck do you mean 'you don't know'. That's something a little kid says. "Why'd you jump off that tree, Billy." "I don't know, mom." That I can expect. But then you can ground the kid. Put him on timeout.  Maybe even smack  'em up a little if you're into that (I encourage discipline, not abuse). Here was this grown as man behaving like a child. I had no choice but to treat him like one. 

"Empty that shit out. I can't have piss on my desk." He got up and tired to balance the pissy cups to the bathroom sinks. 

"In the kitchen. Under the sink. There's a bottle of Fantastic. You gotta clean that shit up."He did as told. Came back carelessly spraying it every which way. 

     "Be careful that's bleach," I barked at him. Listen. I wasn't playing anymore. I didn't want to be nice anymore. I needed to disinfect everything. I'm telling you. I even had to buy new cups. I couldn't look at the cups as they sat in the sink. It was mean, but it was deserved. He told me once before that I tend to talk down to people --and for good fuckin reason. When I don't, they urinate in my dish-ware. 

       What the fuck is wrong with him? No like... seriously. What kind of person pee's in somebody's cups? & not just somebody, a girl he's dating. & we just started  dating. Is this what happens when you become a guy's girlfriend. Watchout. This brotha needs to be put on a "DO NOT BRING HOME" list. I needed to know: How could this happen? What could posses him? I couldn't wrap my head around it. & when I told my cousin about it, she couldn't stop pointing out places he could have pee'd instead. The Pinesol bottle, she proposed. How about the window? I asked her. I have 3 and they all open. What's next? Shit on my plates? 

       "I want you to tell your mother what you did," I told him. He took it as a joke, but I was serious. I needed someone to be as upset at him as I was. As ashamed and disgusted. As embarrassed and appalled. He came back & said she just looked at him like he was crazy. That's it? She didn't say anything? She had no thoughts about how maybe she might have raised you better? Or is she aware that she didn't? Is this okay to her?  Or is this shit you do all the time? What kind of man are you? What kind of woman is she? This is when I realized that not only do I not want anything to do with him, I don't want anything to do with her either. Mothers matter, man. They matter more than you realize. And from this revelation, I noticed something else... I couldn't ever be parents with him.

In layman's terms, I don't want his babies. 

NEXT POST: Not My Baby Daddy

When the Piss Fills the Cup.

        

Picture cred: http://thedeafsage.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/shit-hits-the-fan.jpg?w=300&h=121

      A lot of shit has happened. Mainly, I'm single again. I was in a relationship for approximately 3 days last week & I'm excited to tell you all about it. If you've read my blog before, you know that 3 days of excitement leaves a month worth of posts, and I assure you, there is much to follow. 

    Truth be told, I don't want to be alone. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing. Is it wrong to want one person to yourself? Or should I say, "Fuck the world. I don't need anyone." Or do I need more than just one and fuck the whole world? I'm sure you know which route I chose. I didn't want to be one the side. I never do. & I always follow my own rules (Rule #1, Never be #2). Funny thing about that post is... that same guy ended up being my boyfriend (lol... he cant really count, tho). In retrospect, I should have guessed this wouldn't end well, but I'm a sucker for boys with degrees on their walls, business cards in their wallets and money in the bank. And he certainly put in his all to make me feel like #1. 

    He wasn't terrible. Actually, he was super sweet. He was fun. Had a pretty smile. Took charge. Held his own like a man and made me feel like his lady. He dealt with my attitude (most of time & believe me, that's a skill) like most others pretend to. He did a lot. Took me out when I wanted. Bought me Fudge Striped cookies for my late night munchies and had an L rolled every morning. But over all, I think I wore him out. More so, I think he wasn't used to someone like me --someone used to men like him. 

     Here's what "happened" according to him. Someway, somehow, I blurted out how I wouldn't date him if he didn't take me out. He got "upset" and didn't want to talk anymore. He went on about how that was a fucked up statement to make blah blah... 

"Don't fuck with me then," I told him simply. 

"I won't. I don't," He responded.

Click, went my phone. 

Then... he texted me this, verbatim: 

"I remember I bought those shoes for you and I thought you were going to return the gesture to make an impression on me that you care about how I look but your too willing to not do anything for me but cook a meal that I NEVER ask for."

LMFAO. Then I reminded him those shoes were for my birthday. Why would I "return the gesture" when your birthday isn't until.. ummm.. December-ish? I told him those home cooked meals don't buy themselves. That spinach omelet didn't make itself. & that frozen french toast didn't toast itself! That's why I don't cook for niggas forreal. lmao. Ungrateful bastards! Oh.. & check this [excuse me, because I think this is all hilarious. I feel like..... I THINK I NEED A BARBEEERRR. NONE OF THIS NIGGAS CAN FADE MEEEE. lmao.]

"oh well, I get you a birthday gift and you think you deserved it? I barely knew [you] but I knew I liked you so I wanted to do something nice for you. You don't do anything for me besides make me food I DON'T ask for."

Fuck. He hates  my food. lol. Well... hey, I do, too. That's why I like to be taken out to eat :)

     I'm not sure why he wanted to spend money on me. That's his problem, though. Sometimes I felt like it was because he wanted to. Other times, I didn't think much of it, I simply assumed he understood his role as a man. Eventually though, there were requests for other things only certain women get paid for. I tried to be good him. & since I couldn't return the favor in the way he asked, I decided I'd get on my game and become a woman for him. You know.. the whole cook, clean, laundry thing. But apparently, that wasn't enough. I thought that's what he wanted. I thought he'd appreciate it. Nope. I didn't expect it to happen this way. I didn't expect him to ask me to buy him things and spend money on him. That was the last thing I expected. Truthfully, I figured maybe he wanted more head. (lol) But, I'm more of a man than he is, obviously. 

    But in any "breakup", there's the reason you break up and the real reason you break up. Because, in any break up, there's one person who wants more, and the other has to decide its done. This time around, it's me. & I'm only saying that because I know I can have him back if I want him. How do I know? Because he left his watch at my place. So he's been texting me for it... but the "goodnight" text message that accompanied shouldn't have been sent. Never mind his posting on my wall. 

THE REAL REASONS
The list below are both the reasons why it didn't work and why I'll never go back.  
I'll eventually link them to posts explaining each. Give me some time ;) 



1.  He doesn't want to take me out to eat anymore. & when a man complains about spending money, it's because he has way less that he makes out. & I'm not here to hear about his financial issues. I have my own. Sorry, I'm not a "ride or die". I work hard & survive. I don't have time to monitor someone else's financials. That's what an accountant is for.

2. He expects me to buy him things. For that, I'll either date a hot chick or have a kid.
 He's not my son to raise.

3. His Penis. (You'll want to read this one.)

4. He's not the man I want.

5. I can abuse him too easily.

6. He's not famous.

7.  He pee'd in my cups.
(Yep. Piss. In my drinking glasses.)
& There's no coming back from that.
The icing on the fucking cake, huh? 

Stay Tuned, y'all. My life; your entertainment. 

Ask Ella: How's About That Anal Sex?

I'm only giving you things you joke about in your parents' living rooms. The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of yall and I aint got to be false or sugar-coated at all. - Eminem "The Real Slim Shady" 

Do u think anal sex is nasty, and have u ever done it?

   This is a conversation I pretend to be able to have in public. You threw me off with this one! So bear with me. I'm trying to be honest with you but maintain respect for myself. Not sugar-coated, but within a realm of respect. The reason being is that my sex life is mine. Similarly, your sex life is yours. That's the ultimate message I want to give you. So whatever you want to do, I say you go ahead and do that. Any woman who's had a desire/fantasy fulfilled knows there's nothing beyond compare. This issue here is that you're a female. It's a lot easier for us to be labeled as "whores" if we're more sexually open than the next girl (even though she's probably done worse.) You've got many more hoops to jump through. So.. I think that a lot of what you do in the bedroom depends on things outside of the bedroom. There are certain things I hold off on. You've got to come up with your own rules when it comes to that. There's certain things I only do for certain people.

New relationship : 

All about my own pleasure. There's no reason to test your limits and boundaries with a man you don't fully know and isn't committed to you. Additionally, if you extend "freaky" ideas to him it can really lead anywhere. Hi might get excited, or he might think that's too much for him. 

Serious relationship:

 Fair exchanges of pleasure. If you're comfortable with a person (sexually) and you have a good vibe, you might be able to try whatever you want. Perhaps you'll both enjoy it. 

Declared monogamous relationship: 

Sometimes for his pleasure. If he wants to do it, but you're not sure... it's okay to in this arena, I think. At this point, he respects you and knows you enough to understand your sexuality and not judge you if you propose something new. 

Committed, longterm relationship: 

Things I wouldn't consider, if that's what he likes. & this stage you can introduce new things to add "spice" to the relationship if he's for it. 

Married (or something like it): 

Shit you probably shouldn't do. At this point, you probably have done it all. So you might consider new things. At this point, he's more likely to keep your secrets to himself so you can probably try a whole lot of things. He might not only enjoy it, but appreciate it. 

      But this is simply how I look at relationships..  you might see it differently. I just don't think you should give a man more than he deserves. & not to say that all you have to give is your body... but it's a hell of a gambling tool. You can't give them too much before it's time. Once upon a time, anal sex fell into my "committed/longterm" umbrella. An attempt was made... but I couldn't handle the feeling. I decided that losing my virginity once was enough. & honestly... that was the game behind it all. I had a boyfriend.. who I adored. I would have done (and did) anything for him. He told me he wished he was my "first" and that this way, he'd be my first something. Emotionally, I was all for it. & I don't regret it. At least now I know the shit ain't me. Pain isn't me & that extends into additional parts of my sex life (I'll share some other time). I've also heard multiple horror stories regarding anal sex and... feces. I don't need that on my sheets. It's the urban myth (I call it that because I wouldn't know if it's true or not and I'm not looking that up on my work computer) of not being able to control your bodily functions during the act. I  had this conversation in high school once (years and years ago) to which a girl provided a suggestion: maybe I should use the bathroom first and then try it. Frankly, I'm not interested in any activity that requires my bowels to be empty. 

      I don't look down on it. Some girls like it. Personally, I don't. The stigma behind anal sex, I think, is rooted in its prevalence in porn. It's something porn stars do. Probably because they have to switch it up and (more likely) they might get paid more for it. In the porn industry, the more you do, the bigger the check. This is going to sound off, so judge me if you'd like... but anal, to me, is a thing I give to two things: Curiosity and homosexual relationships. (I know, I know... whateverrrrrrr.) My reasoning is this: Men and women have parts that fit directly one with the other. I'm fine having an extra, unused hole. When a male and a male get together... where else are you going to put it? You've got to do something. As for lesbians??? I mean... they spend a hell of a lot of time with their faces in there... they probably are used to the area and experiment more since they're umm....missing tools. I think that anal sex is uncomfortable for people who fall more towards heterosexual on the spectrum. Ever try to play in a straight man's behind? lmfao... It scares and upsets them at the same time. It's hilarious, actually. I've even had a guy tell me he won't have anal sex, because it's only a step away from having anal sex with a man and so he'd prefer to stay in Pussytown. Men say the darndest things ;)

    Speaking of the male point of view. I haven't met a guy who loves it. I also haven't met a guy who will turn it down. If you want to do it, he will. Even if he said he won't. Men are like that. I asked around and apparently, it feels the same to them. The stimulation is mental: From simply knowing that they're in a different hole. Still, I think that if you do it too soon with a guy, he might think a certain way of you. Like... if you want to be taken seriously... I wouldn't recommend anal sex on the first night. But then again, that depends on the guy. But like I said before, your sex life is yours. If thats what you want to do, and thats what he wants to do, then go right ahead and enjoy yourself. & If you really do enjoy it, he'll respect that, I think and enjoy being able to fully please you. Because think what you'd like... but all men want to do in bed is please a woman --if they know anything about sex or women. 

     If you feel wrong about something you're doing sexually... or if you  don't want to do it... Don't. You wrote to me for a reason. I'm not quite sure what that is... but you've go to figure that out yourself. There's nothing wrong with experimenting and being comfortable with your body. & I admire any women who is. But it depends on the reason behind it. Honestly, it doesn't matter what I think unless you want to have sex with me lol. What matters is how your partner feels. How comfortable they are with it. & If they don't match up with your sexuality (like I talked about in If You're Nasty... you know he ain't the one for you (long term). Your body is yours to do with as you please. I don't think there are limitations besides being safe. Sex should be a beautiful, joyous thing & whatever you share with a man should be your choice and yours alone. Not solely  because it's what he wants. & you shouldn't refrain from enjoying yourself because of what your friends think. & really, it's non of their business what turns you on if they're not going to provide a solution. ---This is why I've backed away from talking about sex with friends. It's a personal thing. & how you do it in the bedroom is up to you. Like Ciara said, your bedroom is your circus ;) 

But...always strap up, pop a pill & play it safe. 

PS: You're hott. You can get away with a lot lol ;)