Pimp Or Die

One year ago, I thought...

9.16.11

"That's what happens when you deal with a boss," he explained as got comfortable in my bed. He moved what he likes to call "his" pillow "Things get rearranged. Shit happens."

I've never been so comfortable with a nigga taking over my whole shit. And really, it's because there isn't much for him to improve on. We think along the same lines, so there isn't much he finds to fix except for minor shit like... the pillows. And my schedule.

Today, I think...

9.16.12

"Take your time when you liking a guy, cuz if he sense that your feelings too intense, it's pimp or die."

It's not all it's cracked up to be unless it is. You never know what a man is capable of until he's done it. And you don't realize what he's not doing until someone else steps in. 

I used to think I liked a tough guy. One who could actually deal with me. But there's a difference between a strong man and a controlling one. You need to pay attention to that difference. A strong man allows you to be yourself. He establishes boundaries while respecting yours. A controlling man sets boundaries for you. Don't let someone box your world in or you'll be boxing in the end.

When the Piss Fills the Cup.

        

Picture cred: http://thedeafsage.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/shit-hits-the-fan.jpg?w=300&h=121

      A lot of shit has happened. Mainly, I'm single again. I was in a relationship for approximately 3 days last week & I'm excited to tell you all about it. If you've read my blog before, you know that 3 days of excitement leaves a month worth of posts, and I assure you, there is much to follow. 

    Truth be told, I don't want to be alone. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing. Is it wrong to want one person to yourself? Or should I say, "Fuck the world. I don't need anyone." Or do I need more than just one and fuck the whole world? I'm sure you know which route I chose. I didn't want to be one the side. I never do. & I always follow my own rules (Rule #1, Never be #2). Funny thing about that post is... that same guy ended up being my boyfriend (lol... he cant really count, tho). In retrospect, I should have guessed this wouldn't end well, but I'm a sucker for boys with degrees on their walls, business cards in their wallets and money in the bank. And he certainly put in his all to make me feel like #1. 

    He wasn't terrible. Actually, he was super sweet. He was fun. Had a pretty smile. Took charge. Held his own like a man and made me feel like his lady. He dealt with my attitude (most of time & believe me, that's a skill) like most others pretend to. He did a lot. Took me out when I wanted. Bought me Fudge Striped cookies for my late night munchies and had an L rolled every morning. But over all, I think I wore him out. More so, I think he wasn't used to someone like me --someone used to men like him. 

     Here's what "happened" according to him. Someway, somehow, I blurted out how I wouldn't date him if he didn't take me out. He got "upset" and didn't want to talk anymore. He went on about how that was a fucked up statement to make blah blah... 

"Don't fuck with me then," I told him simply. 

"I won't. I don't," He responded.

Click, went my phone. 

Then... he texted me this, verbatim: 

"I remember I bought those shoes for you and I thought you were going to return the gesture to make an impression on me that you care about how I look but your too willing to not do anything for me but cook a meal that I NEVER ask for."

LMFAO. Then I reminded him those shoes were for my birthday. Why would I "return the gesture" when your birthday isn't until.. ummm.. December-ish? I told him those home cooked meals don't buy themselves. That spinach omelet didn't make itself. & that frozen french toast didn't toast itself! That's why I don't cook for niggas forreal. lmao. Ungrateful bastards! Oh.. & check this [excuse me, because I think this is all hilarious. I feel like..... I THINK I NEED A BARBEEERRR. NONE OF THIS NIGGAS CAN FADE MEEEE. lmao.]

"oh well, I get you a birthday gift and you think you deserved it? I barely knew [you] but I knew I liked you so I wanted to do something nice for you. You don't do anything for me besides make me food I DON'T ask for."

Fuck. He hates  my food. lol. Well... hey, I do, too. That's why I like to be taken out to eat :)

     I'm not sure why he wanted to spend money on me. That's his problem, though. Sometimes I felt like it was because he wanted to. Other times, I didn't think much of it, I simply assumed he understood his role as a man. Eventually though, there were requests for other things only certain women get paid for. I tried to be good him. & since I couldn't return the favor in the way he asked, I decided I'd get on my game and become a woman for him. You know.. the whole cook, clean, laundry thing. But apparently, that wasn't enough. I thought that's what he wanted. I thought he'd appreciate it. Nope. I didn't expect it to happen this way. I didn't expect him to ask me to buy him things and spend money on him. That was the last thing I expected. Truthfully, I figured maybe he wanted more head. (lol) But, I'm more of a man than he is, obviously. 

    But in any "breakup", there's the reason you break up and the real reason you break up. Because, in any break up, there's one person who wants more, and the other has to decide its done. This time around, it's me. & I'm only saying that because I know I can have him back if I want him. How do I know? Because he left his watch at my place. So he's been texting me for it... but the "goodnight" text message that accompanied shouldn't have been sent. Never mind his posting on my wall. 

THE REAL REASONS
The list below are both the reasons why it didn't work and why I'll never go back.  
I'll eventually link them to posts explaining each. Give me some time ;) 



1.  He doesn't want to take me out to eat anymore. & when a man complains about spending money, it's because he has way less that he makes out. & I'm not here to hear about his financial issues. I have my own. Sorry, I'm not a "ride or die". I work hard & survive. I don't have time to monitor someone else's financials. That's what an accountant is for.

2. He expects me to buy him things. For that, I'll either date a hot chick or have a kid.
 He's not my son to raise.

3. His Penis. (You'll want to read this one.)

4. He's not the man I want.

5. I can abuse him too easily.

6. He's not famous.

7.  He pee'd in my cups.
(Yep. Piss. In my drinking glasses.)
& There's no coming back from that.
The icing on the fucking cake, huh? 

Stay Tuned, y'all. My life; your entertainment. 

If You're Nasty

     Sticks & stones may break my bones, but chains & whips excite me. - Rihanna "S&M" 

 "Can I cum on your face?" was once the mid-stroke question of choice. Me? I'm the disgusted type. He bust out laughing but I was completely serious. I was upset. I was pissed off the say the least... I mean... the thought that went through my mind was "What kind of girl do you think I am? How do you even dare ask me that?" Then again, here I was, laid up next to him just like the glass of my warm mango Martini touched the edge of hie double shot of Hennessy, we'd done the same and stared out the 24th floor windows of the W as we took it all in. He was marveled by how far above we were from the people below and myself impressed by the discreetly placed pink accents. Both of us impressed by the fancy sinks. "This is how you do it," he continued to say, and it was that same thought the coaxed to me open to him. Whether right or wrong, at least I wasn't in the back seat of someone's car and so what if he did buy me a drink or two? I promise you they were the prettiest drinks I've had; Never give it up for plastic cups.

    "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean nothing by it. I was just..." Testing his limits is what he was doing, I don't know if he thought I'd be as offended as I was. I hit him with the "Excuse me," and washed up. When I came back to bed, he had a lot of 'splainin to do. Here is where we defer to a post I've already written, "Me, You & Her: Open Relationships"and he explained to me that... he simply wanted to know. He's into that. It's one of his "things". 

      There are girls out there. They'll do the things you won't do. & The things you won't do become more and more of a commodity. This used to scare me. I used to feel like... if I don't do it, someone else will & I'll lose him. Now, I'm thinking... If I don't want to do it, you need to find someone who will. Because someone will. It's not my responsibility to make up for all the dirty shit those girls do. Or is it? How long can you hold onto a man without doing the things he is into? How long before you give into things you thought you'd never do? Or do I say "No" forever? Honestly, I think I'll say no to most things until there's a ring on my finger. Which is why I sent him a picture of my hand with the message, "There's something missing here. Can you guess what it is?" After marriage, I think you're required to do all that nasty stuff to keep your man satisfied. Because if you don't do it... & that's the only man I'd fight to keep: The one who is rightfully mine. 

       So what if you're dating a really good guy... he's just... nasty? Lol.. Idk how to deal with this. I think your own sexuality has to be at a level that he can handle. People's sexualities have to match. Opposites attract but hey... I'm not the cum-in-my-face type of girl. That's an activity he can do while he cheats... you know... disrespectful stuff. "That's not disrespectful," he argued. "It's one step away from peeing on me," I responded "the only difference is what's coming out." I consider myself a fairly open person, but that I simply can't do. I just can't. & I'm not sure I can hold it against him because, I feel like, if I were a man.... I'd want to do it too. I mean... hey.. why not? I mean... pornos are real. Those girls are doing those things. & Asking a man to show you his favorite videos might be able to help you out. You'll be able to see what he likes & how he likes it. Not to mention, he might like that you can watch it with him. 

      So I wonder whose job it is to change here. Should I loosen up and enjoy myself? If I do, I probably will  enjoy myself. Sexual interaction can only be hurt by restrictions. It's like the idea that if you instill rules before a threesome, you aren't ready for a threesome (I'm not ready for one). But... maybe he shouldn't expect so much. Just because there are other girls out there who are willing to do everything sexually that he wants, doesn't mean I have to. He can go choose one of them, can't he? Why should I have to change? Or maybe we can come to a solution the was "they" claim everything can be done: 50/50. I loosen up a bit while he comes to terms with the fact that I'm not going to do everything. If I was into everything... I wouldn't be the type of girl I am. The type of girl he likes. An overly sexual girl isn't just overly sexual in one bed or for no reason... there's something behind it. "See she likes it," he said as he showed me a video, trying to convince me that some girls are into this type of thing. "She does?" I asked, "with that face?"I pointed to the at-least-I'm-getting-paid expression on her face. "You're right... she don't," he finally admitted. 

      Sometimes --I fully believe --men see women as complete sexual objects until you force them to look at her as a person. It's not that they can't, it's simply that they don't. We're objects until you force a man to look at you differently. We're something to play with. Something to touch and hold and make them feel good. It's not all their fault. Women are attractive. & we do so purposely. We wear the shortest dresses and the tightest pants when we're trying to make an impression. We focus on our physical so it's "fucking ridiculous" for us to expect men to see us differently than how we present ourselves.  I think that, when I pointed out that girl's face, that was the first time he saw her as a human. The first time he saw her emotion. Previously, she was simply sex in human form. & seeing her degrade herself like that didn't hurt him like it hurt me. I felt for her & I think he finally did, too.  Point is... If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to do it. I have to pay attention to my own likes/dislikes/feelings/morals before I consider a man's pleasure. If it ain't fun for me... why would I participate? Sometimes, it's ok to sit the stupid shit out. 

      Then again... sex is a big part of a relationship... & if you can fully satisfy your partner... you might be able to get you some 15s on your Cavalier ;) lol

Work it out.

That picture makes you nervous, right? Yea.. me too. lol 

You gotta #FaceYourFears to set yourself free.

You Don't Own Me.

He would have killed me before I killed him. It would have been him up in this building. It would have be him fakin' tears. But what's funny is I'm the one standing here. -Jazmine Sullivan, "Call Me Guilty" 

      "Who the fuck was that?"

      All I could do was laugh. I told his ass to be downstairs & instead he had me waiting on him. I was just getting off of work & supposed to meet "Him" for dinner. He's usually already downstairs waiting on me, but I suppose he was running a little late today. 

        So as I waited in the cold, another guy approached me. Believe me, he wasn't my type. But when he walked by, he did the turn-around-and-walk-backwards game thing. Since I kept looking in his direction he assumed I was interested. "Why you smilin like that?" he asked --this was def one of those "laughing at you" situations --to which I responded that I was waiting for my boyfriend. He gave me the ol' "I can do better, but eventually kept it movin'.  Unfortunatley (or maybe fortunately) he didn't move it soon enough for "Him" to avoid seeing the last exchange, prompting the "Who the fuck was that?" statement. 

     "He said he's gonna take me from you," I joked but "Him" kept the mean mug on for a while. As we approached the corner of 40th&7th, he even tried to walk past the guy, so that he'd see us holding hands... I mean... my outfit was killer that day. "I'll fuck that nigga up," was all he kept saying at we went down into the subway. Ok. Tough Guy. I didn't know where to go from here. Sometimes, a girl does like her man to be a bit jealous.  But no one wants a drama-king for a boyfriend. I really do hate the tough guy act. Most guys who talk tough can't back it up. 

    "Don't get laid out in front of me," I said. "I'll laugh at you and leave with dude." He only got more upset. 

     "Him" is taking me way to seriously. We play boyfriend/girlfriend so well sometimes, I forget that I just met him (not even a month ago).  I asked him to come with me to put down my deposit on my new place. My new roommate is a guy and I kind of just needed him to see there was other male presence in my life --to show the roommate that I'm not available because it's kind of hard to prove I'm not interested --and I'm not, but guys are nicer to you when they think they have a chance & he does this weird thing where he calls me pretty, & I just wanted to handle that situation in the easiest way. 

     "Can I take of my glasses?" He asked. (lol, this was the first time he let me see him with them on. Not the best sight y'all.. I need a man with less prescription.) "You want to look tougher?" I asked him & he responded with a head nod. "Do what makes you happy, babe," was all I could say to keep from blatantly laughing at him.  While we were in the apartment, signing... random... shit,  he stood quietly. Erect, as if he were my shadow. I went to put my bag down & he offered to  hold it for me. I told him that if I was going to live there, I was going to be comfortable.. Soo... we do this joke thing where he says he'll beat me up and I tell him meet me on the streets.. you know. A big joke. But when he responded with a joking "I'll punch you in your mouth," I was tempted to push him out my 11th floor bedroom window. 

      You've got to curb certain things when you're in front of other people. Granted, I new it was a joke, but if I heard it, that means my roommate heard it and that's unacceptable. You can't just say anything in front of other people. Now this might have been a slip of the tongue, or "Him" might just be the type of guy who likes to pretend he has his lady under control, especially in front of other people. What he fails to understand about me is the importance of my heritage to me: I am part Dominican, Jamaican, Chinese & Cuban. That means I use knives, big knives, tactfully plan my attacks and never back down. Simply put, he has no fucking idea. I'm the girl who, after I was swung at, came outside with a pipe. I'm the one who waited until he was close enough to throw bricks. I've changed a lot since then, but I'm still the same girl. Believe that.

       When we left the apartment he said, "You can tell someone smokes in there." 

        "Yea, he's quitting the cigarettes, he said," I told him.

       "Nah like weed."

       "Oh. Yea. I know."

        "Ohh... That's right. You smoke, too!" I just looked at him. "You better not smoke with that nigga."

         

      This is when I laughed but gave him an I'm noooot,  to soothe his fears. Really though, who the fuck does he think he is? It's one thing to give me orders. It's another to tell me to stop smoking weed. Not to say I'm going to, but in all honesty, I'll do whatever the fuck floats my boat. No man has the right to tell me what to do, especially not one I've only known for 3 weeks. And,YES. I like, and maybe love, weed. I'd smoke weed like people drink wine. Except I'd smoke my weed with wine. So fuckin what? If weed was legal I'd have it in the kitchen, in a jar on the counter --next to the coffee, sugar and flour. It'd say "Weed" right on the jar.

        If this is how it is now, what does that say about the future? How much worse does this kid get? How many orders does he think he has the right to give? Even though he's only given one so far, he's one over his limit. You can spot a controlling man from a mile away if you would just pay attention. You should never let a man dictate what you can or cannot do. They can make suggestions, sure. Requests, absolutely. But I don't wear a collar that says "Please return to..." so if he want's to order someone or something around, he better get a dumb girl or a dog. DO NOT LET A MAN OWN YOU. & If he thinks he owns, you he better be paying one hell of a sum. The day a man makes any direct order I'll even consider listening to... he better be my husband and paying all the bills (and treating me like a QUEEN). That's when I'll respond, Yes, daddy. lol. 

But with "Him", there's something's missing. Oh yea, my ring.

Boy. Bye. No More Him & I.