The Unthinkable.

You could have been part of a masterpiece...  Rihanna "Fire Bomb"

"Why can't it be like that first day that I met you?"

"Because you were by my side that whole day." I hadn't seen his ass in a week.

      I started out in despair. The "Why me?" thoughts combined with the "what have I done to deserve this?" But the desperation swiftly turned into anger with the help of Keyshia Coles's "The Way it is." (The best breakup CD ever made.) Listening to it, I realized that I Just Want it to be Over because I Changed my Mind. Initially, Love, I Thought you Had my Back but come to find out, I Should Have Cheated. And Guess What? The Love was cool in the beginning (which wasn't that long ago) and still, in this short period of time, You've Changed. We Could Be so much more but in this Situation , you tried to do my Down and Dirty --and not the way I like it. I'm sorry you didn't quite realize that I'm a Superstar, now I'll Never feel for you like I almost did. 

I fucking love that album. 

      You see, he disappeared for a couple days. He's not the first. He's actually one of two. But the only reason the other gets off is because he's out of state. Simply said. Men don't do that to me. & I don't mean that to say that I'm the greatest women ever... but I'm the greatest woman ever. I'm not sure any women should feel otherwise about herself. & maybe there is where the problem arises. I feel I deserve more. My ex told me I don't deserve  half of what I think I deserve but what kind of sense would it make for me to listen to a man like that? A man who's limit was $35 on a pair of shoes? A man I had to fight with to spend another $0.97 on a pack of fettucini because there might not be anymore at home and there wasn't and now I'm pissed off so don't talk to me just take your ass back to the store and I hope you learned your lesson about being so goddamned cheap. *Exhales* 

       The problem at this point is that I'm ready.  Like... ready. If a man were totellme he really wanted to see where it went. If he really wanted to put his cards on the table. Face up. I'd be there. I'd be ready to dothat. To give it a fair trail. The thing is... most men "don't want a relationship," and he told me the same thing last night. To which I had to question: What do you really  not want? People avoid a relationship for a slew of reasons, most times selfish and completely understandable. My issue though,is when people lie about the reasons why not. He's "not ready for a commitment," he says. "Not ready to commit yourself or not ready to commit to one person?" I had to ask. There's a huge difference in the two. If someone is emotionally not ready, then they shouldn't be pushed into a relaitonship, that I understand. They might have been hurt before. They are unableto trust. I wouldn't push it because obviously, they aren't overtheir last relaitonship. They haven't yet forgiven. They aren't past it and I can't the the one to pull them through it. I need someone to have found themselves and hashed out all of their own issues and insecurities instead of making it my problem. 

       If a person isn't ready to commit to one person, then they aren't really into you, is my opinion. You haven't yet decided that it's me. & maybe I move really fast but I feel like that's something you know right away. Either that person is the (potential) one or they're not. Either you're willing to make that move or your not. I don't believe in learning to love someone. I believe you can force yourself to, yes. But I believe in love at first sight. At first conversation. At first instance. I believe in love and I believe that it's something that is beyond control. Something that... happens. With that said, I'm not sure I'll be able to have that. I'm not sure everyone has that. If done correctly, I think you can be satisfied with a forced or earned love. I believe true love is unconditional. There is no reason or motive behind it. It is beyond explanation. It should take nothing. And anyone reading who is being honest with themselves knows the difference. You know there are some people you didn't love off bat, but you grew to love them... while others, you simply can't get out of your mind. Still, I think that we commonly find ourselves in situations of forced love. Perhaps unconditional isn't the right path for everyone. & I'm not sure if there is a right vs. wrong. & Perhaps over time, forced love can morph into conditional. I'm not sure one love is stronger than the other... they're simply different. & given the right circumstances, can end up in the same place. You just have to be willing. 

     Over the passed couple of days I've been trying to get my mind working on it's correct path again --one that does not include him. & I'm telling you, it's been harder to keep track of my emotions than it is to track my cell phone (and I never know where that thing is). I was willing to force love in this instance because I feel like he deserved it. He deserved for me to be by his side as he had been by mine. I'm telling you, the beginning of whatever this was was absolutely fab. Compliments, kisses, gifts, concern. Conversation over candlelight, moonlight... name a romantic light & I promise he gave it to me with what I interpreted as sincerity. But when vagina is on the line... you can't trust a damned thing a man says. In Forgive Them, Lauryn says that "Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves."

    I don't doubt he likes me. He's put in work. He's be around for this long... but when I asked what path were were on --after his 5 day hiatus-- he didn't reciprocate my feelings. With that said, that answer was obvious: The path we are on is actually two different paths.  What he wants is to keep me around. For me to be a possibility. For me to be one the roster. And I understand this, not because I'm okay with it, but because I've employed a roster of my own. Not maliciously, of course... just for... insurance, we'll call it. I know exactly what he wants. He want a girl who wants him. Who will do for him. Cook for him. Clean for him. Breathe for him live for him. But only when he wants it. I understand it. But I'm trying to be honest with myself and I simply can't do it. I can't be part-time. I've asked for a Pat-Time Boyfriend before but I'm just not sure I can handle it. 

     I need consistency. I need security. I need guidelines of what I can and cannot expect. I abide by rules and limitations. & When I say this, I mean that I'm not satisfied with just... fucking someone when it's okay on their schedule. And I'm not sure any girl should be. Granted, I understand the ordeals that accompany a relationship, but if you don't agree to try from the beginning, I believe it'll be too late. You can't okay one game plan and then switch it up later. If I okay him  doing him that means he'll be out doing whoever and please believe if that's the case, he ain't doing me.  I know this sounds dumb, but when I go to my Gynecologist and she/he asks "Are you in a monogamous relationship," I want to answer "Yes" and be sure of it. 

    I want someone for me and only me. Is that too much? Is that so wrong? I might be overwhelming but really, I can't wait to fall in love. & I do it all the time. I love and lose all the time. Anyone who knows me knows it. I trip. I fall. I crash. I give me all when I think a man "deserves it". And it blows when they don't feel the same about me. And perhaps its not that they don't feel it back. It's that they're scared. And I'm tired of it. If you're not open and willing to try this is going no where. I open my heart. I hold nothing of the past against my future guys except that I need to be spoiled more than the last did. I just need the next guy to be better than the last.  & If you're better, you've got a good chance with me. 

    But, I don't love him. And I know it. "You're just lonely,"he said. "So?" I answered. So the-fuck what? What if I am? I'm supposed to stay that way? You know what? I just bought YSL Lipstick. & I'm in the market for a new pair of shoes. I'm going out this weekend.  

     I'd say I'm done with him. But I'd be lying. I do need entertainment. & (for the most part) he's a good guy. So until I find someone else to take up my time, I'm working on a schedule for him. As of right now, he's only allowed to see me Thursdays. I might even save him in my phone as "Mr. Thursday." I might open up an extra day if he behaves. But just like he told me he can't offer my commitment, I can't offer him much beside my cordial company. If he realizes that he does like me  as  person, I'll allow him to try to win me over. But neither my body nor my heart are in the table. He'll just have todo without. 

On to the next stage?