Training Dogs to Kill.

One year ago, I thought... 

9.12.12

I don't know what made him put the ring on my finger... but he did. It doesn't mean anything, he said. An apology. Just to show he cares. To show he's there. I can keep it if I want, he says. Even if I never speak to him ever again. He'd understand.

I'm a people person, he said last night as I explained that, for the most part, I don't like anyone. "People are people," he went on to explain and usually, when people speak nice, I take it as pure bullshit, but I've had too much company-time (as opposed to alone-time) with him so I have every reason to substitute each of his words with one: Truth. "He told me I'm his friend," he continued.

You can't stick by someone who doesn't want to stick by you. You can try all you want but if the other magnet is pulling in the opposite direction, you're shit outta luck.  Sometimes you've got to give in and allow yourself.I pity the self-inhibited; those who are held back by their own minds. Concerned with the wrong things. When's the last time you were yourself? When you decided what you really liked as opposed to what would be considered "right".

Fuck right. Fuck wrong, too. I'm going back to my roots. Back to who I used to be & chuck a lucid bird at the world & "do me". Fuck that.

I set myself up for disapproval. He told me I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have told anyone. "The thing that ruins relationships the most is other people," he said. Am I supposed to ignore that fact that he told the story, too? Should I disregard the timid look  on the look on the face of his "best friend" as we crossed paths after she had heard. The first day we spoke, we had a woman-to-woman conversation about how if a man put his hands on me, I'd try --with little hesitation-- to kill him. I saw the doubt in her eyes when I said it. 5'2. 120lbs. What could I really do? But when she saw the scar on his chest and hear the story of the accompany blade, I'm sure she praised her God for my hesitation.

Today, I think...

9.13.12

I don't regret anything I've done. I'm alive and well. I still constantly think about who people must think I am and of the invisible dunce cap I seem to don upon my head. They take me for a fool. I will admit I'm addicted to love. I have a very bad habit of being perfect and convincing others of the same. It takes me a month --at most-- to get those three words to slip from his mouth. And whether he believes it or not a month from then, he'll have believed it when he said it. 

I'm not perfect, and that's exactly why I am. I get offended when man try to call me crazy because I am not crazy. I used to be. Now, I am full-out insane. I used to be a yeller. The call you a million times and call you every name the last girl and the next, combined, couldn't spit out. And fluidly. Now, I just let them die off. 

I've lost all sympathy. I used to convince myself to be nice to the men who attempted to court me. To look past their flaws. To forgive them their mistakes. But then, I realized I am not God. And while I can forgive, I cannot let them into heaven. So I bar the gates and fortify the walls. There is no re-entrance to my heart. There is only one strike here.

You have no idea what your neighbor is going through. People ask why I moved to Brooklyn (if they don't speculate) but the real answer is because I played my cards far too well. You think you want a man sitting at your doorstep until he's there. You think you want him to love you more than life itself, until he loves you more than he loves your life. And granted, I've always wanted a pitbull, but what I really needed was a weapon that won't hesitate.

All dogs can be trained to kill using one thing: love. It is infectious and deadly. Use it wisely.

The 10 Second Stress Limit.

      That's all I can allow. Things have gone much better since I vowed to stop being upset. I understand now that something happened. Something made that girl too upset to function. It's something else that makes her upset at you. It's not you and maybe the issue is that it's not you. You treat the people around you how you want to treat them. So while I embarked on writing this with the intent of semi-apoligizing, I take my half-assed, hal-expressed apology back. 

        I dont regret anything I've done. I stand behind all of the attitudes, all of the arguments, all of the yelling the paintballing, the egg-throwing, the writing all over your mattress and throwing it outside of your house, the bloody lips, the bruises the statement I made about you life and in whose hands it would end because I truly meant it all. I had reason for it all. Perhaps there was anger seething underneath that neither of us could see, but I wasn't there yet. And I needed that. I needed to be the worst person in the world to understand my greatness. I had to pinpoint my weaknesses and work on each of them individually. Now, I am unstoppable. Now, I am the dream. I chase love & labels in the same race. That's two goals on one path; I multitask my ass off. So while I chase the riches I never forget the importance of my heart. The one place I think females go wrong (because I turned down the road once, btu smartened up and retraced my steps) is that we choose one over the other. We think it's money or love. It's a family or an education. It's him or me. In reality, it should be both. And it should be effortless. 

        I need a partner. I've always envied the gay community in that they have "partners" and I don't. I want someone to be my equal so when I allow them leverage, they understand it's all love and not ownership. If I call you daddy, it's not because you own me, but because the title fits. It's not because I should listen to you but because I want to. It's not because you're the head of the household, but because you're fit to be that someday. I need things to run smoothly. I need someone to feel the vibe and not rely on the words. I need someone to be invested 150% and have faith in the decisions I make without them although those would be very few. With that said, we need get along. 

      I don't know what it is about an argument that alleviates stress. It's simply something you need to win. It's a battle you can claim victory over. So when there's nothing left to do, we act on our barbaric nature and wage wars on our neighbors when, if we sat and came to an agreement, we could simply expand the empire keeping both parties' interests at hand. This is what I understand: There is no need to fight. I give myself 10 seconds to be upset and then I force myself to be happy. I challenge myself to think of the real reason I'm upset. Is it even him? Or do I just need attention? Who really pissed me off today Sometimes, you get a good man sitting across the table from you but you're too caught up in your emotions --fighting for his love-- that you push him away instead. You give him the angriest you possible and determine that he should love you no matter what. No, he should love you because. Why make it difficult for him?  Granted, everyone has the right to be upset... so allow yourself 10 seconds. Turn that shit around & get back to business. Sometimes it was nothing, and sometimes you have to make it nothing. All stress and drama does is sidetrack you from the shit you should be doing.  You've got to clear the path before you start down it. 

     Your ultimate goal should be to make one another happy. If he's not making you happy... you need to leave. I'm not sure how to sugar coat that. If you don't, it's your own fault. You know that you should leave. I pray you have the strength to listen to your heart and understand the value of your happiness. But at the same rate, if he's not happy... he has the right to react as well. "If every time I come here, we argue, why would I want to be here," my ex asked (I learned so much in the 2 days we dated smh). He was right. Who wants to stay in a bad situation. & whatever your current engagement is missing, you try to find elsewhere. You no longer look forward to it. Remember when you first started dating and you were nice and you paid attention to everything he said. You read his text messages twice so that you understood them through and through. You let your response sit and wait until you had time to look it over again... all to keep him around. And then you stop. You stop caring. You stop caring that he had a bad day and don't care how he slept last night. You only hit him when you see him tweet someone else and you only call him "baby" on Facebook. You're not who you pretended to be. Actually... you are  who you pretended to be, but for some reason decided not to do that anymore. 

          Maybe it's not your fault. It's almost impossible to keep being nice to someone you don't like. So, I encourage you to reevaluate your situation. Understand why you're upset at him. If you truly do have a reason, calculate how much stress that's bringing into your life that you don't need. Or how much stress you're giving him that he doesn't need. Some relationships just aren't meant to last. For that reason, I take mine very seriously. So serious, I end them as soon as possible. I'm sure many of you have been in a relationship for longer than you needed to. I read through old text messages the other day and realized that my 2 year relationship was more like 1.5 had I paid attention. His responses changed. There was no more love. I should have ended it when the fights first began --as we all should, as I now do. I think that down is a permanent direction. You should plateau at the least. Growth is all you should witness when you're with someone. If we're not growing, not moving, not improving, then --obviously-- this isn't meant to be. Why would I tie  myself into an arrangement that doesn't benefit me?

       Pay attention to love. But also pay attention to stress. The fights are a sign. When you start looking the other way, you begin to head in the wrong direction. Stop pretending you don't see it. Take ownership of your relationships and your happiness. & Pay attention to him. He wants to feel like you just met for the rest of your life. If he loves the person you are now, continue to be that person. Fuck "maturing" and "growing", be yourself. Life moves regardless of what you do and you'll change along without whether you pay attention or not. The important things about you (and the important people around you) will stay the.

     Fuck it. Be happy. Be in love (or on the way there). Stop fighting. Stop stressing him. Quit the attitude. He doesn't always want to fight you. He's not always doing something wrong. And if he is, the better you treat him, the guiltier he'll feel as he commits his sins. You can't change the way the world is towards you but fuck... Karma's a pretty bitch if you take your time & dress her up right.

<3

Ella.

You Know Better: Don't Engage

"Thank God you blew it. Thank God I dodge the bullet. I'm so over you. Baby good lookin' out. I wanted you bad. I'm so through with that. Cuz, honestly, you turned out to be the best thing I never had.
Beyonce, "Best Thing I Never Had"

I wrote this September 20th, 2011 but never published it.

I dont really know why we're fighting. All I know is that, for some reason, it was too cold for a quickie this morning. I wanted to roll over & call him a female, but instead, I hopped in the shower so I'd have some space to be upset.

Sometimes, we make ourselves more upset than we need to be.

What it's seeming like now is that he has nothing to say back to me. He's fantastic at arguing. His come backs are always in rotation, ready to release. I doubt a lame come-back has ever left his lips. But... he gets a little rude. He gets a little lost in the way he's used to being. He tends to confuse my confidence with the ignorance of the common hoodrat because you know they can be a a pretty as you want them to be, and still be the same damned thing. I'm unsure he's fully realized who I am.

I don't speak to him much. I don't tell him much about myself because the details of my life a rarely relevant in the conversation. Not to mention, I hate feeling like I'm on a dating show. I'd rather get to know someone the same way friends become familiar with one another --over time. Eventually, details make their way into a story and you learn about the other person without ever having to ask a question. Then there's the factor that, while every person's life is interesting on it's own, one person's story might be more interesting than the next. See... I've been through hardship, but the hardship was not my own. I was affected by the residual effects of it all. He, on the other hand, has witnessed life first hand. Hardship, first hand. I just want to know his story. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually interested in someone.

If you know me at all, you know that I fall hard, fast.

I've tried to stop thinking about what he'll do for me in good faith that he will do for me. I have no reason to believe otherwise. There are times when I jump on the defensive too early for my own good. It's a characteristic of women most men take issue with: The assumption that all men are dogs. It's a thought that holds just as true as one stating that all women are "crazy". They're both correct in some fashion, but it simply depends on the person you are with to decide what level of crazy/dog you're willing to put up with. Me? I like a little dog --when done appropriately. I know some might not understand but... it's simply what I... am okay with. 

A lot of shit pisses me off. Simple shit like the way he phrases things. 

     A week and a day later I sat in a corner holding my hand over the left side of my face. I know he took it easy because he's left handed. I appreciate his using his weaker hand. I suppose someone had to smack reality into me.

      You know what's wrong. We like to sit around and pretend that the problem came out of nowhere. We  claim we don't know what happened. But what happened was the same thing that threw you off in the first place is the things that will come around and bite you in the ass int he long run. This isn't to say that some problems can't be overlooked, merely to point out that some are more serious than others. There are things you can get over like... the physical - what they look like & where they are. But character goes unchanged. A lazy man is a lazy man at 8am and 8pm. If he had no job this morning, last week, or 5 months ago, he's going to keep laying up on your couch eating up all the Raisin Bran - which he probably claimed not to like but he'll empty the box anyway. 

         I knew he was a dog. I said it myself. I even liked it --I said it myself. But not only did I get a dog, but I became his bitch. I cowered under his raised fist debating the best time to strike back. All I had to do was slide through the door, but it wasn't an easy task with his hands around my neck. I knew it was over. Even more so, I knew I should've left his ass alone... but I kept on.  Claiming to be ignorant of my own common sense. I knew he had the ability to throw me over the edge. I knew he was capable of disrespecting me. I should have known better to get involved with a man who was "just looking for a friend" but I moved on anyways. Whole time, I knew that friendship was neither what he had in mind, nor what I was looking for. Still, just to avoid being alone --just to provide myself a little entertainment, I risked everything. 

      The worst outcome of a failed relationship is when it inhibits you from moving forward. You tied yourself to the jerk you half got rid of. He's not your "boyfriend" anymore, but you continue to speak because he hits you. You might not respond all the time, but if he hits you on the right day --at the right time-- you might just respond with a little bit of attitude. This way, he knows that he hasn't yet won. That you aren't back on his call... but you are. Every time you respond you allow him to squeeze into your life and --even worse-- into your heart. It's just a text,  right? Nothing will come of it, right? So what if the shoe were on the other foot? What if the guy you're with is doing the same thing with an ex of his? Is it still just a text? What will come of it, do you think? 

    Deceit is deceit no matter how well justified. Peter Abelard claims that sin occurs before the action takes place. Sin takes place in the moment you even consider doing wrong. It's the idea that if  the possibility were open to you, you might do it. If you're current boyfriend fucks up, you might just sleep with one the guys sitting on your bench. You've already sinned. You've already fucked up the Karma. You've already done him wrong. How can you expect him to remain faithful and committed to you when you've already allowed yourself space and time to "please yourself". Sometimes, in looking out for yourself, you're just ruining what is out there for you. You've inserted bad Karma into a relationship and there's only a matter of time before you start to text too heavy with one or two of those guys and he asks questions. Then, you can argue that that's just a friend, but when he leaves your house that night, I guarantee he'll be out considering friends of his own. And since you have already made it okay, do you really have room to dispute your case? & If he's that good a man, I'm sure someone else will take advantage of the man you took for granted.

      What ever happened to the Golden Rule? I typically bash guys on here and tell them what to do to make us happy, but they don't quite respond correctly. With that said, I think it's time someone address women. We're at fault with the way things have ended, too. We're not perfect and, if my mother was right --which she typically is-- we're even worse. A woman can be ruined the way a man can't remember that. So when you're out fighting invisible wars with him, understand that he will come out on top regardless of how many kills you might have had overall. He's just another man that ran through you and left you because another man ran through you.

You can't beat 'em. 

You don't necessarily have to join 'em.

& there's really no need to screw 'em. 

    If you don't want him. Leave him alone. For your sake. For the sake of whatever relationship is coming next. As to respect yourself. It's simply not attractive for women to be involved with so many men. I used to build my bench up to 7, so I could call them by days of the week and laugh with my friends. But those bedroom conversations have to end at some point. Break ups stop being funny. And when you're left alone, and you have time to think, you'll understand where you went wrong. Let's try to avoid that. It's not a fun mental space to play in.

    In sum: If you have a man, stop texting your ex unless it's okay for him to text his. & If you REALLY want to stop talking to a guy, don't engage him. If you keep responding, you need to figure out why that is. Be clear and honest with yourself. Stop saying you're going to leave if your not. But once you said you'd leave, leave. I know it's easier said than done but it's easier done than you think. They'll say anything to get a response from you but you have to realize you deserve better. There is no need for the pain or the fighting or the drama. Sometimes you just have to let shit go and have faith that it will all turn out for the best. You're so afraid of being alone you've probably never really gotten the time to love yourself the way you think he does. You need to quit. All you have to do is stop responding. & when you feel like you want to... just remember it's just going to happen again, except worse. Don't engage. 


Still need convincing? Read this: Delete Contact? Absolutely. 

Ask Ella: How's About That Anal Sex?

I'm only giving you things you joke about in your parents' living rooms. The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of yall and I aint got to be false or sugar-coated at all. - Eminem "The Real Slim Shady" 

Do u think anal sex is nasty, and have u ever done it?

   This is a conversation I pretend to be able to have in public. You threw me off with this one! So bear with me. I'm trying to be honest with you but maintain respect for myself. Not sugar-coated, but within a realm of respect. The reason being is that my sex life is mine. Similarly, your sex life is yours. That's the ultimate message I want to give you. So whatever you want to do, I say you go ahead and do that. Any woman who's had a desire/fantasy fulfilled knows there's nothing beyond compare. This issue here is that you're a female. It's a lot easier for us to be labeled as "whores" if we're more sexually open than the next girl (even though she's probably done worse.) You've got many more hoops to jump through. So.. I think that a lot of what you do in the bedroom depends on things outside of the bedroom. There are certain things I hold off on. You've got to come up with your own rules when it comes to that. There's certain things I only do for certain people.

New relationship : 

All about my own pleasure. There's no reason to test your limits and boundaries with a man you don't fully know and isn't committed to you. Additionally, if you extend "freaky" ideas to him it can really lead anywhere. Hi might get excited, or he might think that's too much for him. 

Serious relationship:

 Fair exchanges of pleasure. If you're comfortable with a person (sexually) and you have a good vibe, you might be able to try whatever you want. Perhaps you'll both enjoy it. 

Declared monogamous relationship: 

Sometimes for his pleasure. If he wants to do it, but you're not sure... it's okay to in this arena, I think. At this point, he respects you and knows you enough to understand your sexuality and not judge you if you propose something new. 

Committed, longterm relationship: 

Things I wouldn't consider, if that's what he likes. & this stage you can introduce new things to add "spice" to the relationship if he's for it. 

Married (or something like it): 

Shit you probably shouldn't do. At this point, you probably have done it all. So you might consider new things. At this point, he's more likely to keep your secrets to himself so you can probably try a whole lot of things. He might not only enjoy it, but appreciate it. 

      But this is simply how I look at relationships..  you might see it differently. I just don't think you should give a man more than he deserves. & not to say that all you have to give is your body... but it's a hell of a gambling tool. You can't give them too much before it's time. Once upon a time, anal sex fell into my "committed/longterm" umbrella. An attempt was made... but I couldn't handle the feeling. I decided that losing my virginity once was enough. & honestly... that was the game behind it all. I had a boyfriend.. who I adored. I would have done (and did) anything for him. He told me he wished he was my "first" and that this way, he'd be my first something. Emotionally, I was all for it. & I don't regret it. At least now I know the shit ain't me. Pain isn't me & that extends into additional parts of my sex life (I'll share some other time). I've also heard multiple horror stories regarding anal sex and... feces. I don't need that on my sheets. It's the urban myth (I call it that because I wouldn't know if it's true or not and I'm not looking that up on my work computer) of not being able to control your bodily functions during the act. I  had this conversation in high school once (years and years ago) to which a girl provided a suggestion: maybe I should use the bathroom first and then try it. Frankly, I'm not interested in any activity that requires my bowels to be empty. 

      I don't look down on it. Some girls like it. Personally, I don't. The stigma behind anal sex, I think, is rooted in its prevalence in porn. It's something porn stars do. Probably because they have to switch it up and (more likely) they might get paid more for it. In the porn industry, the more you do, the bigger the check. This is going to sound off, so judge me if you'd like... but anal, to me, is a thing I give to two things: Curiosity and homosexual relationships. (I know, I know... whateverrrrrrr.) My reasoning is this: Men and women have parts that fit directly one with the other. I'm fine having an extra, unused hole. When a male and a male get together... where else are you going to put it? You've got to do something. As for lesbians??? I mean... they spend a hell of a lot of time with their faces in there... they probably are used to the area and experiment more since they're umm....missing tools. I think that anal sex is uncomfortable for people who fall more towards heterosexual on the spectrum. Ever try to play in a straight man's behind? lmfao... It scares and upsets them at the same time. It's hilarious, actually. I've even had a guy tell me he won't have anal sex, because it's only a step away from having anal sex with a man and so he'd prefer to stay in Pussytown. Men say the darndest things ;)

    Speaking of the male point of view. I haven't met a guy who loves it. I also haven't met a guy who will turn it down. If you want to do it, he will. Even if he said he won't. Men are like that. I asked around and apparently, it feels the same to them. The stimulation is mental: From simply knowing that they're in a different hole. Still, I think that if you do it too soon with a guy, he might think a certain way of you. Like... if you want to be taken seriously... I wouldn't recommend anal sex on the first night. But then again, that depends on the guy. But like I said before, your sex life is yours. If thats what you want to do, and thats what he wants to do, then go right ahead and enjoy yourself. & If you really do enjoy it, he'll respect that, I think and enjoy being able to fully please you. Because think what you'd like... but all men want to do in bed is please a woman --if they know anything about sex or women. 

     If you feel wrong about something you're doing sexually... or if you  don't want to do it... Don't. You wrote to me for a reason. I'm not quite sure what that is... but you've go to figure that out yourself. There's nothing wrong with experimenting and being comfortable with your body. & I admire any women who is. But it depends on the reason behind it. Honestly, it doesn't matter what I think unless you want to have sex with me lol. What matters is how your partner feels. How comfortable they are with it. & If they don't match up with your sexuality (like I talked about in If You're Nasty... you know he ain't the one for you (long term). Your body is yours to do with as you please. I don't think there are limitations besides being safe. Sex should be a beautiful, joyous thing & whatever you share with a man should be your choice and yours alone. Not solely  because it's what he wants. & you shouldn't refrain from enjoying yourself because of what your friends think. & really, it's non of their business what turns you on if they're not going to provide a solution. ---This is why I've backed away from talking about sex with friends. It's a personal thing. & how you do it in the bedroom is up to you. Like Ciara said, your bedroom is your circus ;) 

But...always strap up, pop a pill & play it safe. 

PS: You're hott. You can get away with a lot lol ;) 

Dirty Pictures.

Send me a picture, You know I'll never leak it. I know you got something recent for someone decent.  

Drake in Trey Songz's - "The Usual"

        "If I get you these, will you model them for me?"

       "You gonna get them?"

        "Are you gonna model them?"

        "Then buy them."

        "You think I'm bullshittin."

         "The register's right there."

         "Alright. You think I'm playing."

        Later that night, as we were texting, I sent him a picture with the subject "Model Shots" with the message, "You never said it had to be in person :) "

         "Can I get one with you standing up?" He wrote back.

         That's when I went to sleep.

     I'm a fan of the BBM pose. I know I'm the not the only girl who takes pictures of herself. More than you should. For every one picture a girl puts up, she's actually taken dozens. Once you get the hang of it,  it's a little hard to stop. You know where should stand. How you should stand. Where to put that hand. The right tilt for your face. The angle of the camera. The lighting. It's all so theatrical. But it's all so necessary. 

     I'm going to be the first to admit what we all won't say: I like to send pictures. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sending pictures to everyone out there. But it would be nice to have one person to send them to, right? If I were in... something... with someone, there'd be a purpose to the pictures in my iPhoto Library. For now, they jus piling up. It's really just a "so you know" kinda thing. & it's fun. It's always fun to be a tease. I'll be a tease for as long as I live.  I guess the danger of sending a guy a picture is that he might send it to or show other people. & no matter how sincere or respectful you think he is, he's showing someone. So what do you do? Not send pics? Nah... just make sure the ones you send are on point. 

     There are three purposes to sending dirty pictures: For him, for his boys and for the bitches. For him: Ideally, the pictures should give him something to look forward to. Shopping is your best opportunity. If you're out trying on clothes, send him a pic and ask his opinion. But make sure it's a good pic. This will make him feel like he's right there with you. In the dressing room. & booyy would he love to be. Or take pics and have them as back up. So even if you aren't doing anything, you can send him a stash pic in the middle of the day to excite him. For his boys: A man wants to show off. & he should be able to. Even if you're his girlfriend. There's nothing more ego boosting to man than to have his friends jealous of him. Especially if its because of a female. Gives them a sense of superiority. & I also think that it'll make them want to keep you around. He won't let you go if all his boys want you. Not if he's smart. For the Bitches: The idea is this as follows: Girls will want him (hopefully. lol. unless you dating a bum. Then you're safe & need not read on.). I'd want my photo to be a literal blueprint. If that girl wants you, I want you to pull out my picture and decide if she's better than me. If she is, by all means, proceed. If she's not, I want you to show her the photo and explain to her that she ain't got shit on me. She'll have nothing to say. Problem solved. 


      & Here's how I start out. I send one. (This also has to be after a period of good behavior on his part.) I don't flood with them at first.... but, good behavior gets you more privileges. If he deserves more, he gets more. If he doesn't he doesn't. Simple. There's... no science to it, really. 

     When I first got my Mac, I went picture crazy. Pictures on this bad boy take on new life. I went so far as to make a slide show. The shit had music to it too. Drake's "Shut it Down" to be exact cuz the song just says "These girls aint got nothing on you..." It was a subliminal message from me to _____. As the pictures slide by, it looks like I'm taking my clothes off... but it ends when the bra drops. You never get to see anything. & it had a title slide & everything. "The Tease" I called it. psshhh... It's a pretty fuckin good video. Thing is, I was "involved" semi long distance. & I'm all for entertaining someone who entertains me. It lasted a summer. Which is a pretty long time at a distance. I once brought my computer to Sabrina's house and we were messing around with music. All of a sudden, the video started playing. The only thing I could do was shut the screen. After that, she wouldn't stop making slick comments about how I'm a "freeeaakkk" (and she would say it like that). I just laughed. Well, to keep a man entertained at a distance, you've got to pull some tricks out the hat. We were actually better from a far than we were together.... & now he has a handful of photos and a video... Sometimes I regret it... But they were all pretty good.

  
In sum... there's nothing with dirty pictures if they're good pictures [and your old enough!].
     
     So if you're reading this... and your boo is somewhere out there, I encourage you to send him a quick flick. It'll make his night. If he's the type to be out with his boys on a Saturday night, send the picture under the subject "In case you need a reminder." If that's your boo forreal, I suggest you accompany the photo with, "Yours" to keep it sweet.  But if he's close enough to you. & not busy, send the picture with the subject, "Come get this." (That one's the business, right?) Yea... he'll be there soon.
  
Strike a pose, bitches ;)

I can't wait to see how many views this post gets. You people are nasty.

Rihanna - Loud (& Clear, Darling)

This good girl went bad. 

Then Rated R. 

Then Loud. 

Does it get any better?

    From an island Barbie to running New York as well as the fashion world, Rihanna has moved musical mountains with her discography. You know an artist is good when they need little publicity to elicit a (pirated) rotation in my iTunes. RiRi has helped me through some hard times. If you're going through a break-up, I suggest you take a listen to Rated R. But if that stage has come and gone, and you back on your shit. Loud will be your shit. Guaranteed. 

       The album has an unexpectedly...loud start with the first track S&M. "Feels so good being bad. There's no way I'm turning back. Now the pain is my pleasure," she sings as her first 3 sentences for the album. This has to say something. This is the start. The hook then goes on to say, "I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it. Sex in the air. I don't care, I love the smell of it. Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me." Word, Riri? 

       And the album only gets better. This is complete collection of music. Well rounded and well paced. The next track is "What's My Name" ft Drake in which we get a playful melody with a playful storyline to accompany it. None of these songs on this album are particularly about love. In this song she talks about wanting "him" to be hers, but there's no love. And really... She just wants to see it he can "go downtown with a girl like [her]". This album is a synopsis of the mind frame of a girl getting out of that hole called Heartbreak. Granted, Rihanna might not have written these songs, but the only way to record a good song is for the artist to actually feel that content. Do it, Riri. 

       But first, fuck all emotions: Block out the pain. "Cheers" starts off with the line "Life's too short to be sitting around miserable." I had no idea what the  song was about at first but... Fuck. I'll drink to that. Yeah, Yeaaah. "Don't let the bastards get you down. Turn it around with another round," she says. I feel her. There's no way you can get over a man while you cooped up, sitting, thinking about him. There's a party at the bar! Eventually, he'll start "Fading" like she talks about in the next song. One day you'll "open up [your] eyes and start to realize today is too late [& that he's] fading away". 

        After you've had your heart broken, it's easy to fall for a second-rate copy of what you just got rid of. But, I think Rihanna would agree with me that, you shouldn't get back into something serious until you're the Only Girl in the world. "Like [you're] the only one that [he'll] ever love." The beautiful thing about this CD is that it doesn't take on only one side of this situation. When you've ended a serious relationship, and even if you've "moved on" you still miss that person. This is when "California King Bed" starts to play. This is where I see Rihanna as a regular girl like the rest of us. She has a heart. This song is beautifully sung and has tremendous cross-over capability. The guitars in the background make the song extremely pop-worthy and if someone out there has any marketing sense, this will be a released single. I can see this one getting airplay from all my Ellas, no matter their race/color/upbringing... this is a woman's song for any woman who's ever missed anyone. 

    But as much as you hurt... a man hurt's, too. "Man Down" explains this exact situation, and if I might be an ass & assume... this song might remind us (&Rihanna) of a certain man whose life she practically ended. "I didn't mean to hurt him," she sings. "Could've been somebody's son. And I took his heart when I pulled out that gun.... Man down." There are regrets we all have about the way a certain situation ended. Ususally in a way that showed what the true you is capable of. (Also we get to  hear the true accent Rihanna has in this song.) But what happened.... happened, right? I mean, those situations when you might have acted certified crazy weren't planned out. But in the moment, you felt he deserved it. So... you're just left thinking:

I never thought I'd do it. 

Never thought I'd do it.

Never thought I'd do it. 

Oh gosh. 

What ever happened to me? 

Ever happened to me? 

Ever happened to me? 

Why did I pull the trigger, 

Pull the trigger?

Pull the trigger?

Boom. 

End a N...

End a N... life so soon?

     Thank god there's other niggas out there. lol... "If you want to let him go, Ladies don't worry cuz they got plenty mo' They be fallin' like the rain." Yup... It's "Raining Men" ft. Nicki Minaj, of course. And sometimes, after we get out of a relationship, we tend to take the next poor bastard who pays us attention and allow him to think he's somebody. AKA rebound. We've all heard the term before, I'm sure. Yes, women have rebounds, too.  So the next guys we come in contact will have to deal with a sentiment most of us tend to share at this point in life."I ain't even worried bout you, cuz there's plenty mo' fish in the sea." But after that relationship... it becomes so easy to let anything go easily. Like if my new guy makes things too "Complicated," it's easy to "throw [your] hands up, cuz baby I tried" cause "my heart knows better."

   So you already know what's left, right? SEX. "No teasing, you've waited long enough." Skin is the ultimate sex song. This slow grind beat is accompanied by moan-like singing: low tones and long notes. This song reminds me of a Ciara, "Ride It," which is funny becuase one of the song writers, Kenneth C. Coby (aka Soundz) also wrote  Ciara's "Gimme Dat"... but yea... if you want to.... riiiiiiiddee iiitttt....  Skin is definitley the jam to do it to. I haven't. I'm just saying someone might want to... In case you want to "explore your talents" ;)

       The album ends on a more solemn, serious note as do most things in life. She closes the project with "Love the Way You Lie (Part II)" ft. Eminem, a version that is fit to rival the original. 

On the first page of our story,

The future seemed so bright.  

And this thing turned out so evil. 

I don't know why I'm still surprised...  

And even angels have their wicked schemes 

and you take that to new extremes.

But you'll always be my hero

even though you've lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn. 

But that's alright because I like the way it hurts. 

       Everything we've gone through is what makes us who we are. It makes us stronger. More resilient. This album is the epitome of feminine strength. The ability to have your heart taken from your chest and shattered before your eyes but bounce back as if nothing happened. Like how burns simply form a thicker skin. But the thing is, it never fully heals, sometimes we attach ourselves to that pain. Sometimes we can't leave a relationship until we completely tear it apart. Until we're completely sure that it can't be saved. I don't know for what reason. "So maybe I'm a masochist," is Rihanna's guess. "I try run but I don't want to ever leave. Till the walls are going up in smoke with all our memories."  

Fuck it. Watch me burn. 

Thank you, Miss Rihanna. Beautiful album. 

You Don't Own Me.

He would have killed me before I killed him. It would have been him up in this building. It would have be him fakin' tears. But what's funny is I'm the one standing here. -Jazmine Sullivan, "Call Me Guilty" 

      "Who the fuck was that?"

      All I could do was laugh. I told his ass to be downstairs & instead he had me waiting on him. I was just getting off of work & supposed to meet "Him" for dinner. He's usually already downstairs waiting on me, but I suppose he was running a little late today. 

        So as I waited in the cold, another guy approached me. Believe me, he wasn't my type. But when he walked by, he did the turn-around-and-walk-backwards game thing. Since I kept looking in his direction he assumed I was interested. "Why you smilin like that?" he asked --this was def one of those "laughing at you" situations --to which I responded that I was waiting for my boyfriend. He gave me the ol' "I can do better, but eventually kept it movin'.  Unfortunatley (or maybe fortunately) he didn't move it soon enough for "Him" to avoid seeing the last exchange, prompting the "Who the fuck was that?" statement. 

     "He said he's gonna take me from you," I joked but "Him" kept the mean mug on for a while. As we approached the corner of 40th&7th, he even tried to walk past the guy, so that he'd see us holding hands... I mean... my outfit was killer that day. "I'll fuck that nigga up," was all he kept saying at we went down into the subway. Ok. Tough Guy. I didn't know where to go from here. Sometimes, a girl does like her man to be a bit jealous.  But no one wants a drama-king for a boyfriend. I really do hate the tough guy act. Most guys who talk tough can't back it up. 

    "Don't get laid out in front of me," I said. "I'll laugh at you and leave with dude." He only got more upset. 

     "Him" is taking me way to seriously. We play boyfriend/girlfriend so well sometimes, I forget that I just met him (not even a month ago).  I asked him to come with me to put down my deposit on my new place. My new roommate is a guy and I kind of just needed him to see there was other male presence in my life --to show the roommate that I'm not available because it's kind of hard to prove I'm not interested --and I'm not, but guys are nicer to you when they think they have a chance & he does this weird thing where he calls me pretty, & I just wanted to handle that situation in the easiest way. 

     "Can I take of my glasses?" He asked. (lol, this was the first time he let me see him with them on. Not the best sight y'all.. I need a man with less prescription.) "You want to look tougher?" I asked him & he responded with a head nod. "Do what makes you happy, babe," was all I could say to keep from blatantly laughing at him.  While we were in the apartment, signing... random... shit,  he stood quietly. Erect, as if he were my shadow. I went to put my bag down & he offered to  hold it for me. I told him that if I was going to live there, I was going to be comfortable.. Soo... we do this joke thing where he says he'll beat me up and I tell him meet me on the streets.. you know. A big joke. But when he responded with a joking "I'll punch you in your mouth," I was tempted to push him out my 11th floor bedroom window. 

      You've got to curb certain things when you're in front of other people. Granted, I new it was a joke, but if I heard it, that means my roommate heard it and that's unacceptable. You can't just say anything in front of other people. Now this might have been a slip of the tongue, or "Him" might just be the type of guy who likes to pretend he has his lady under control, especially in front of other people. What he fails to understand about me is the importance of my heritage to me: I am part Dominican, Jamaican, Chinese & Cuban. That means I use knives, big knives, tactfully plan my attacks and never back down. Simply put, he has no fucking idea. I'm the girl who, after I was swung at, came outside with a pipe. I'm the one who waited until he was close enough to throw bricks. I've changed a lot since then, but I'm still the same girl. Believe that.

       When we left the apartment he said, "You can tell someone smokes in there." 

        "Yea, he's quitting the cigarettes, he said," I told him.

       "Nah like weed."

       "Oh. Yea. I know."

        "Ohh... That's right. You smoke, too!" I just looked at him. "You better not smoke with that nigga."

         

      This is when I laughed but gave him an I'm noooot,  to soothe his fears. Really though, who the fuck does he think he is? It's one thing to give me orders. It's another to tell me to stop smoking weed. Not to say I'm going to, but in all honesty, I'll do whatever the fuck floats my boat. No man has the right to tell me what to do, especially not one I've only known for 3 weeks. And,YES. I like, and maybe love, weed. I'd smoke weed like people drink wine. Except I'd smoke my weed with wine. So fuckin what? If weed was legal I'd have it in the kitchen, in a jar on the counter --next to the coffee, sugar and flour. It'd say "Weed" right on the jar.

        If this is how it is now, what does that say about the future? How much worse does this kid get? How many orders does he think he has the right to give? Even though he's only given one so far, he's one over his limit. You can spot a controlling man from a mile away if you would just pay attention. You should never let a man dictate what you can or cannot do. They can make suggestions, sure. Requests, absolutely. But I don't wear a collar that says "Please return to..." so if he want's to order someone or something around, he better get a dumb girl or a dog. DO NOT LET A MAN OWN YOU. & If he thinks he owns, you he better be paying one hell of a sum. The day a man makes any direct order I'll even consider listening to... he better be my husband and paying all the bills (and treating me like a QUEEN). That's when I'll respond, Yes, daddy. lol. 

But with "Him", there's something's missing. Oh yea, my ring.

Boy. Bye. No More Him & I.