Lucky Number 7

It's about time I fill you in.

       7. That's how many "men" I supposedly met that night we went out to Club Rebel. Honestly, I give my number out to anyone who asks for it. "Seven?!" My cousin practically yelled in my ear, "Why so many?" "Because I could," I responded like the smart-ass I was raised but followed up with, "Seven guys means seven dates." At least it does to me. If I work it right, I can do a date a week. That's almost two months worth of entertainment. Some guys will want to see you immediately. Others will take a while to smooth talk into taking you out --but overall, you just get to meet people.  Why seven? Because I know that I don't like most men I meet. And some are tougher to coax into a decent date. Seven gave me a better chance than 3. & Lots better than one. The thing is,most men aren't deserving of your time. Thy think they're so suave. That they've said the right things. But they have no idea what they're up against. When you don't want a man, you don't want him. & it's been a tough battle finding what I desire. 

        Whore. You might want to call me that. But, in reality, it's just your own subconscious talking. Or perhaps your own inability to enjoy someone with becoming physically involved with them. I pity you. The way I work the situation is by offering nothing more and nothing less than the full truth.  I'm not looking for anything. We can be friends.  I'm busy. With those three phrases I've covered all bases. Here's what I've really said: I'm not interested in moving forward with anyone --especially not you --and even if I did, I don't have the time for it.  

    I don't go out on weekdays, I add when they ask when I'm free. This is my only (partial) lie. I like to keep men confined to the weekends. I don't lose sleep on men I don't know and if I am going to be a little late to work, it isn't going to be off of some random nigga taking my sleep time. If I've given you a weekday, you should understand the value of my time must be matched by the value of you. Now, you might think me cold. Unemotional. A bitch, even. Oh well. The thing is, allI want is a little entertainment. I don't want someone I have to tend to. I don't have the time for it. I also don't want him to feel like he'll be swimming in it anytime soon --if at all. 

        I don't do "Blockbuster" nights. I might be the reason Blockbuster went out of business. There are way too many men who want to lay up with you the first chance they get. You'll know how "into" you they are when you push for something other than a make-out session. The truth is, most men stop calling me because I just want to be taken out. But I've realized that... I simply don't want them all in my shit.  Men think that they can get you alone in a room and smooth their way into a kiss on the neck and move towards whatever else and, don't get me wrong, some can --but only if I want you too. You must be out of your mind to think that I want you all to do this. If I'm physically attracted to a guy -and want to take it to another level, there is no questioning how I feel. He'll know it. If you and I sit and have a conversation about how I don't have sex --a conversation I am well versed in, there is no chance, hunny. Some of these men just want company. Or they're too dumb to understand that they've lost the battle before it's begun. So when I'm asked what I like to do, I also give the real answers: I like to lay in my bed and tweet. Alone. I listen to music. Alone. I read. Alone. I let them know that I'm not looking for company, I'm looking for entertainment. My bedroom is not a venue. 

         I enjoy male company more than that of females. I like to be escorted. To be treated. I like to feel like I'm with a "protector". I can't get that when I'm out with females. That's when I  feel like the protector. That's why I date so much. I like male company -- but these guys won't play the fool for too long. Eventually, they get tired of taking me out with nothing in return. That's when I go back out and stack up on my next 7 dates. And to be honest, I love attention. When you're out with a guy, he pays attention to you. If he took the time to take you out, he actually likes you --at least a little. So when you go out with him, it's all smiles and compliments. You feel special. You feel wanted. Who doesn't want that? 

     Honestly, I don't think I'm a bad person. Actually, I think I'm a great person which is why I understand why these guys elect to take me out and continue to call once I've grown bored. There isn't a two-way connection. We aren't meant to be. You meet these guys and you know, from the jump, that it won't work out. That he's not exactly your type. His flaws are all too visible. But a girl gets lonely. And these boys help ease the pain. For an hour or so, you forget that your heart is somewhere else. Meanwhile, you get to eat some good food. & I prefer candlelight. So I apologize, but until the day my Prince Charming comes back to me, I'm going to take these boys for what they're willing to give. No more. No less. But I promise you, I let them all know in advance. 

      What's more bizarre is how 7 men can't add up to one. If you ain't the one, you just ain't the one. So I date them all, just to make sure. One date is all it takes. Actually... one exchange. One conversation. One glance. And they know it, too. There's no way they think I'm the woman they'll end up with. And if they do, it's because I, ultimately, wouldn't be a bad choice. But when that person is the one there is no doubt. It just is. 

      And so I've taken on a new route. I date. It's what I do. Because... people are awesome. You can have an amazing time with someone if you simply participate.  It's great conversation. And you get to pick out a killer outfit.  And honestly.... it's practice. Dating guys puts you into uncomfortable situations. You meet their friends when you don't want to. Parents in the most awkward places. You simply know how to be. You can actually talk to them. You can figure out what  men typically like and what they don't. Honestly, dating grooms you into the significant other you should be. Technically, I'm single. But I'm learning how no to be without my mishaps affecting the relationship I really want. 

This guy told be recently that I'm too vague... I'm working on that. But if you're trying to figure out what's really going on in my head..just stay tuned. I'm in a very FML situation and trying to clear my mind in the most appropriate order.

*sigh* 

More coming soon. 

Internet Dating

      

    

    I've kept half my life from "Thursdays". Quite literally actually. He and I are connected on all levels in the real world but, thus far, I managed to keep my digital world separate from his. He freinded me on Facebook a while ago. I had initially looked for him but didn't want to play the stalker part, so I decided to wait for him to friend me. But.. that didn't quite happen either. He actually friended himself off my page. I admit, at first, I found it sneaky. A bit stalker like on his end, but hey... who wouldn't. & to be honest, I like a man who gets the information he needs without my having to approve it. Sounds wrong but I kinda want a man who watches what I'm doing. I mean... if he cares right? 

   So, here we were: Facebook friends. & immediately I embarked on a search for bullshit. I went through his photos. I started clicking on the faces of girls who seemed to show up too often for my taste. Now I'm on the page of this girl I don't know, angry that she knows him... and then I stopped. I was already stressed. I could already feel my bloo boiling. It was already happening. Jealousy was taking over and we couldn't have been Facebook friends for more than 10 minutes. 

    There was only one solution: Remove from friends. I'm not sure you should be Internet pals with the person you're involved with unless you're really ready for it. Perhaps this puts too much weight on the digital world, but it's really like the club out there. You can meet someone if you want to and the heavy advertsing of those Match.com commercials are starting to convince me. And to be honest, I have --many times-- friended or followed someone simply because I think they're attractive. #SueMe. So what makes me think he doesn't do the same thing? And in reality, am I okay with that? How do I feel about that? Because the day some girl posts an "I miss you," on his wall, I'm going to want to know who the hell she is. But I won't ask. Instead, I'm going to dissect her page. I'm going to try to figure it out on my own. And instead of saying something to Thursdays, I'm going to hold it in and wait to see what happens. Will he respond? How will he respond. Will he ignore her? And if he ignores her, will the slut write on his wall again? Who is she? How do they know each other? Do they know each other? Has he fucked her? (Probably, because I've already decided that she's a slut.) & If not, does he want to? If left alone in a room, would they? Will they? Have they? 

     This is what happens. And I'm stressed just thinking about it. I'm trying my hardest to be secure and simply trust him, so I don't want anything that'll allow me to think differently. I don't want to provide myself with reasons to think that I shouldn't trust him. That I shouldn't be secure. Sometimes, we look for things. Whether consciously or unconsciously, we do it to ourselves. In trying to "protect" ourselves, we get caught up in any and everything we find and decide that we are being wronged... or try to address the situation before we are wronged. We try to keep track of the other person and social media has simply provided a method to check in on your beau without their knowing and I'm not sure if this is a good thing. I'm not sure people stray more today than they used to, I simply believe that it's easier to get caught now. Just as there are more way to meet people, there are more ways for your ass to get caught slippin. The only way you to be connected in the digital world & not have it fuck up... everything, is to have nothing to hide. & I've got nothing to be ashamed of. 

    Now, he follows me on Twitter. So... There's a couple things I'm worried about. I think he senses that I'm hiding something and, in fact, I am. Two things. First: My onine personality. I'm just allowed to be someone else online. I'm more confident. I'm free. I'm open. And most of that is simply because I don't care. And it's not anonymity either. Because people know me. I am who I am. But when it comes to guys, let's be honest,  a girl behaves a bit differently. I relax. I'm less boastful when I'm with him. Not because I can't be, but becasue I don't have to be. I don't have to tweet to the world how great I am. He tells me that. & I flirt and the whole nine and just don't want to upset him, but I want my social networking to be as fun as it always has been. I even got myself a Twitter hubby recently (Check out & follow @GMRketchup. He's the #PerfectGentleman). Now I know this is weird, but this awkward Twitter relationship allows me to be lovey-dovey with someone without getting all jealous --which I'm bound to do. & Now that Thursdays is following me on Twitter, I've got to see how this all plays out. He read my tweets out loud to me the other day and... I'm not sure how he felt about it. I know I was embarrassed.  Here's the thing though: I shouldn't have to change. I was Tweeting waaaay before I met Thursdays! & If I want him to actually like me for me, perhaps I should let him see all facets of me. All sides of me. The public and the private. If you hide one part of yourself from a person, how can they really know you? People need to see all of you to make an accurate assessment, don't they? 

     It's not that I've hidden things from Thursdays, there's just a lot I have yet to tell him. Like, for example, that I blog. This is my major concern. Not only do I blog... but a lot. & people are reading. I just don't know how he'll take it. It's sort of like dealing with a celebrity (& you all know how I want to be famous). He'll have to be okay with people sort of knowing our business. But in reality, no matter what you think as you read this, you all know full-well that you barely know anything. Most importantly, though, I don't want it to affect me. More importantly, I don't want it to affect my writing. I've been so pure thus far that I don't want anything to ruin it. That's why part of me is afraid of a relationship. Because, truthfully, this blog matters more to me than he does. This blog has helped me find myself and be myself more than any man could. This blog liberates me from the confines of our cruel, confining and judgmental world. You couldn't ask me to stop writing this blog unless you pay me. 

    So if he doesn't like me on here, he doesn't like me. Because this is where my real self comes through. If someone doesn't like you in the venue in which you are yourself the most, I'm not sure that's the right person for you. I'm different in different places. In class, I'm a nerd. At home, I'm my mommy's little girl.  In the streets I'm a lady. In the sheets? Well you know. But in person, I'm just regular me. I'm not talking for 6 paragraphs straight. I'm listening, I'm learning... I'm honestly gathering shit to blog about. We'll see what he says and thinks once he comes across this blog. Because he's bound to. He has yet to ask me why I call myself EllaThought on Twitter and he knows I have a "secret" Facebook page. The best part will come when he reads about himself and what I think/thought about him. The thing is, if any man I'm dating reads this blog, and doesn't see that it's basically a vault to my every thought, they're thinking about it the wrong way. Men like to complain that they never know what a woman is thinking. Well, here they are. Ella's thoughts #FoYoReadingPleasure. We'll see. 

Stay Tuned. 

      

None of Your Friends' Business.

Put your trust in me girl, leave your friends along. And I don't know how many guys have done you wrong. And I don't know how many guys would sing a song... So let's look to the future, girl. Cuz, babe, it's on.  - Ginuwine "None of Your Friend's Business." 

        She told me I'll never find a real man. Not with an attitude like mine, at least. And it made me wonder... really sit back and think... Is it true? Will I never find a man. Or maybe I'll just never find a real man. Which one is it? Which one does she think it'll be? Not only was I  bombarded with my own questions, but reality kept disputing her claims so I was left to wonder where she'd gathered her information to base her conclusion. Now, it can't possibly be that I'll never find a man. I meet a new one almost everyday. (There are fish in the sea, ladies.) My last date was last weekend and I'm trying to time my other suiters well enough so that I have at least one date -aka one good meal I don't have to pay for -- per weekend. And I have yet to fail, let me tell you.

       Maybe I'll never find a real man. I mean, maybe that's what she meant. Like... a man who's fully employed with benefits. One who allows me to call the shots. Who takes me out for dinner at the most random places and forces me to order bottles of wine? Or a man who will tell me to my face that he's got me figured out" and is willing to do as I say and tell me what I want to hear if it'll keep me around. Who covers the bill when I ask him to and withdrawals from his account don't put him in a bad mood.  A man who lays it down when I need him to and backs off when I speak to him sternly. A man who can make me leave all the little boys alone and be content in what I have? A man who will, if I play my cards right, hold me down for the rest of my life? You mean, a man like that? You can't mean a man like that. Simply because I've got me one of those. 

        Seems that's our greatest fear. By "our" I mean "women" and by "fear" I mean men. A good man can be the best thing to happen to a woman. We need men. & even if and when we don't need them, we feel like we do. But this is more than just man & woman. Sometimes you just need someone to complete you... wait. Scratch that. You need someone to... upgrade you. To enhance you and your living experience. Someone to help you live your life in the most beneficial way possible. 

       My most honest warning: Avoid misery at all costs. Sometimes, this misery is your own; your own disbelief of being able to find someone to love you honestly and purely. Sometimes it's an outside factor. Watch out for friends in your ear --and I mean this most literally. The people you listen to the most are sometimes the root of your own demise. Don't let someone else live your life for you. Don't let others influence the decisions you make for yourself. No one in or out of your relationship. In the same way you shouldn't fix your life around your significant other, neither should you act according to what your friends say.  The moment you start focusing on what other people think, you being to ignore your own thoughts. How can you ignore your own thoughts? How much sense does that make? You control your life --not anyone else and certainly not their opinions of you. It's the sense of... "What you eat don't make me shit."

        Perhaps she was just angry when she said that to me. Or perhaps she sees something wrong with me that I don't see. Or perhaps she can tell the future and I am going to end up alone. Or perhaps she hopes I end up lonely and alone.... perhaps because she is. Even Misery wants friends. Some people wish the worst on you. Some people wish upon you all of their misfortunes. And some people have the ability to drag you down --if you allow them to.  

     People -myself included- need to come to an understanding: What we think about anything outside of ourselves doesn't matter. Granted, some people's opinions hold more weight in the public ring, that is something we cannot escape. But we all have our private rings. I have shit to say. I do. And I will say it, no matter who the subject is. But I feel I am entitled to my opinion. Should that person, given my opinion, change their entire life? No. I'll respect them whether they do or don't. But I'm not going to stop talking. I don't expect anyone to stop talking. 

       See, this is why I think fame wouldn't do a thing to me. I care what people think in the right proportions. You have to hear what people are saying. If they're constantly saying you're fat, it's probable because you are. Now, you can ignore that (either out of pride or laziness) or you can change it. It's on you. But you've got to expect people to talk. You have to allow them to. If you want them to speak well of you, you act accordingly. But you have to understand that there will always be someone out there who wishes the worst for you. It could be out of jealousy or envy, or it could be simply because you deserve it & someone had to say something. Either way, you can't stop people from talking & if you think you can, you're wasting a shit-load of energy. & You might miss out on something good. Previously, I was so concerned with what people around me would think of the real man I happened to stumble upon, and to be honest, they weren't saying the nicest thing. But, you know what? He's pretty perfect for me. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as I am happy. I should love myself that much. Enough to take advantage of the blessings that come my way regardless of how other's might view the situation. You should love yourself that much, too. 

    All I'm saying is that the next "big" decision you make, make sure you sit back for a while with your own thoughts. Try to figure out if your decision is truly yours. Remember the saying "follow your heart"? It's really corny but you hear it all the time. Know why? Because so few people actually do it. So few people listen to themselves. If you sat in silence with yourself, you'd realize you are the nightly news. You are the entertainment. You are a big fuckin deal. & you deserve to be. If you'd just listen to yourself, you'll find the reasons why. No one else can give these to you, even though we can all see it. But before you can appreciate the compliments, you've got to accept them first. 

If You're Nasty

     Sticks & stones may break my bones, but chains & whips excite me. - Rihanna "S&M" 

 "Can I cum on your face?" was once the mid-stroke question of choice. Me? I'm the disgusted type. He bust out laughing but I was completely serious. I was upset. I was pissed off the say the least... I mean... the thought that went through my mind was "What kind of girl do you think I am? How do you even dare ask me that?" Then again, here I was, laid up next to him just like the glass of my warm mango Martini touched the edge of hie double shot of Hennessy, we'd done the same and stared out the 24th floor windows of the W as we took it all in. He was marveled by how far above we were from the people below and myself impressed by the discreetly placed pink accents. Both of us impressed by the fancy sinks. "This is how you do it," he continued to say, and it was that same thought the coaxed to me open to him. Whether right or wrong, at least I wasn't in the back seat of someone's car and so what if he did buy me a drink or two? I promise you they were the prettiest drinks I've had; Never give it up for plastic cups.

    "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean nothing by it. I was just..." Testing his limits is what he was doing, I don't know if he thought I'd be as offended as I was. I hit him with the "Excuse me," and washed up. When I came back to bed, he had a lot of 'splainin to do. Here is where we defer to a post I've already written, "Me, You & Her: Open Relationships"and he explained to me that... he simply wanted to know. He's into that. It's one of his "things". 

      There are girls out there. They'll do the things you won't do. & The things you won't do become more and more of a commodity. This used to scare me. I used to feel like... if I don't do it, someone else will & I'll lose him. Now, I'm thinking... If I don't want to do it, you need to find someone who will. Because someone will. It's not my responsibility to make up for all the dirty shit those girls do. Or is it? How long can you hold onto a man without doing the things he is into? How long before you give into things you thought you'd never do? Or do I say "No" forever? Honestly, I think I'll say no to most things until there's a ring on my finger. Which is why I sent him a picture of my hand with the message, "There's something missing here. Can you guess what it is?" After marriage, I think you're required to do all that nasty stuff to keep your man satisfied. Because if you don't do it... & that's the only man I'd fight to keep: The one who is rightfully mine. 

       So what if you're dating a really good guy... he's just... nasty? Lol.. Idk how to deal with this. I think your own sexuality has to be at a level that he can handle. People's sexualities have to match. Opposites attract but hey... I'm not the cum-in-my-face type of girl. That's an activity he can do while he cheats... you know... disrespectful stuff. "That's not disrespectful," he argued. "It's one step away from peeing on me," I responded "the only difference is what's coming out." I consider myself a fairly open person, but that I simply can't do. I just can't. & I'm not sure I can hold it against him because, I feel like, if I were a man.... I'd want to do it too. I mean... hey.. why not? I mean... pornos are real. Those girls are doing those things. & Asking a man to show you his favorite videos might be able to help you out. You'll be able to see what he likes & how he likes it. Not to mention, he might like that you can watch it with him. 

      So I wonder whose job it is to change here. Should I loosen up and enjoy myself? If I do, I probably will  enjoy myself. Sexual interaction can only be hurt by restrictions. It's like the idea that if you instill rules before a threesome, you aren't ready for a threesome (I'm not ready for one). But... maybe he shouldn't expect so much. Just because there are other girls out there who are willing to do everything sexually that he wants, doesn't mean I have to. He can go choose one of them, can't he? Why should I have to change? Or maybe we can come to a solution the was "they" claim everything can be done: 50/50. I loosen up a bit while he comes to terms with the fact that I'm not going to do everything. If I was into everything... I wouldn't be the type of girl I am. The type of girl he likes. An overly sexual girl isn't just overly sexual in one bed or for no reason... there's something behind it. "See she likes it," he said as he showed me a video, trying to convince me that some girls are into this type of thing. "She does?" I asked, "with that face?"I pointed to the at-least-I'm-getting-paid expression on her face. "You're right... she don't," he finally admitted. 

      Sometimes --I fully believe --men see women as complete sexual objects until you force them to look at her as a person. It's not that they can't, it's simply that they don't. We're objects until you force a man to look at you differently. We're something to play with. Something to touch and hold and make them feel good. It's not all their fault. Women are attractive. & we do so purposely. We wear the shortest dresses and the tightest pants when we're trying to make an impression. We focus on our physical so it's "fucking ridiculous" for us to expect men to see us differently than how we present ourselves.  I think that, when I pointed out that girl's face, that was the first time he saw her as a human. The first time he saw her emotion. Previously, she was simply sex in human form. & seeing her degrade herself like that didn't hurt him like it hurt me. I felt for her & I think he finally did, too.  Point is... If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to do it. I have to pay attention to my own likes/dislikes/feelings/morals before I consider a man's pleasure. If it ain't fun for me... why would I participate? Sometimes, it's ok to sit the stupid shit out. 

      Then again... sex is a big part of a relationship... & if you can fully satisfy your partner... you might be able to get you some 15s on your Cavalier ;) lol

Work it out.

That picture makes you nervous, right? Yea.. me too. lol 

You gotta #FaceYourFears to set yourself free.

Me, You & Her: Open Relationships?

     

     Sometimes, I talk to me. & I talk fast. & None of it makes sense but, to me, anything I say all ridiculously important. Sometimes, the people with the most to say offer no information at all. It's always the same story. It's the same shit. & it's not their fault really... because things are always the same. You go through the same things all the time & it's on you to decide whether to blow it out of proportion or not. It's on you to give it importance. The toughest thing not to talk about -for a woman, anyway --is your love life. You want to tell everyone everything. Not because you want people in your business, but because you need to justify everything going on. When we tell our people our troubles, what we really say is, "I thought this was fucked up, you agree right?" Hopefully, we have good enough friends around us to give us solid feedback and input. But no one person is ever enough, right? You got to get multiple perspectives. So you talk and talk and talk until, before you know it, you no longer think what you think. Instead... you think in the way every one around you thinks. You've taken too much advice. You've forgotten the most valuable consultant: Yourself. 

     Sometimes, when I get on the phone with friends, they'll ask me what I've been up to. But If I've been bloging, I really have nothing to say to them. I mean... I said it all. It's all out. "You don't read my blog," is the thought that crosses my mind. But people shouldn't have to read my blog to know what's up with my life... or should they? I mean, I give out the same information. If you're expecting juicy stories from me --deep secrets of sorts-- you've got to be out of your mind. I know you've heard the secret that the only person who can keep a secret is a dead man. I don't trust anyone and no one should trust me, to be honest. I'm a gossip-er. I'm a living page-6. I can't keep secrets. The only secrets I keep are my own. Thing is... if you really don't want something out... you shouldn't tell anyone. Especially when it comes to your relationship choices.


    I'm debating an open relationship. I know it sounds wild... but I think the majority of people are unfaithful, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship. Monogamy is obviously of paramount importance to me (particularly regarding the overall health of my vagina lol) but  I'm just not sure how to work this. I'm not sure how to make sure a man doesn't stray... and part of me isn't sure you can prevent it.

     Do I turn a blind eye? Part of me had no issue with this. What I don't know won't hurt me. I know many women out there might hate that but... it's true. You've won't hear the falling tree in the forest if you're too far from it. I want to be very  far from it. I don't even want to know it happened. I don't want to know which tree or which forest. Matter fact... I wish I didn't know forests exist.

    Maybe if we discuss the rules full-out ahead of time, we can bypass all the bullshit and actually make something real happen. Maybe if we're both honest with each other... we can make this happen. Like forreal. And make this work. "I think that if a man can afford to have two women, he should be able to," he said. I gave him the look and he back tracked, stumbled, fumbled and mumbled trying to explain himself. Thing is... we vibe excellently and, I assume, he felt comfortable enough to elaborate. We had just finished watching Goodfellas (one of my fav movies) and I had mentioned how Karen is one of my "wifey type" prototypes especially in the way she handled Henry and his various affairs (Janice Rossi got the short end of the stick, but I explained that all in She Got it Made: The Gangsta's Wife).

     I think I was built for a man --a real man. & by that I mean... a man who you can't say nothing to because he takes care of house & home & you know it... I really do think all men cheat... at least once. I'm not saying they do it maliciously. I'm just saying that it's done. & no, it's not beyond their control... but it is instinctual. The only reason I'm using the word "instinctual" is because that's the way  it was most recently described to me. "It's not natural to be with one woman," he explained as we laid in bed. "The reason we have all this sperm is so that we can spread our species." I wanted to smack him. I wanted to go off in a "don't give me that buuuulllshit" rant... but it's true. Very few species mate for life. & there's very few species I'd like my man to take after. I think pigeons mate for life. But I don't want a man who resembles a pigeon --IDK if that's funny or not, and I really have no reason.. but... nope. No pigeons --I'd rather have a King. & We know that the king is a lion. The Lion is also the singular male in his pack full of lionesses (is that a word?) He mates with each and everyone of them. Needless to say, lions are not endangered.

      The problem with humans is that we have emotions. We have feelings. We think and use reason. Reason should guide a man in his decisions and, hopefully, deter him from the worst of this intended actions. On the flip side, women should use reason to understand that a man is.... likely to cheat. My only explanation for this has been the following: When a woman is aroused... she can ignore it. There is a physical reaction to it all, but only we know it's happening. When a man is aroused... something lifts his pants up #JusSayin it's too noticeable. Sometimes too noticeable for him to ignore.

      So do we allow it? I'm not sure I could fully accept it. & to say that I could, even after all my own reasoning, would be to lie to myself. When you lie to yourself is when things go bad the fastest. I told you all Rule #1, Never be #2. So what if you're number one? I like to be number one. & kept there, actually. I wouldn't want to be the mistress. Or the shorty. Or the girlfriend. Or the wifey. I'd be the wife.  Karen was Henry's wife. There was never any doubt about that.

     So there's the question: If a man can do everything you need him to do, and perfectly... but every once in a while he needs to find a whore to do the things you won't do, because, let's face it... there's certain things I just won't do... is that wrong?  I mean... the day he says "No," to me, gives me license as well, does it not? If you don't lace me, someone else will.

     But aside from that, I guess the question would be this: How do you do it? I suppose that's the key with any decision you make. If you make a decision, it's yours. It's your  business. & if you make that decision, you have to deal with it. It's the same logic that follows the girl who gets cheated on & goes back with her guy... you shouldn't have told anyone. It makes the situation easier to deal with and forget. No one around me needs to know that my man & I have an agreement. There is an understanding between him and myself that needs no justification from the outside world. I certainly wouldn't want to know of anything going on outside my relationship... therefore, I suppose I wouldn't pry. I wouldn't ask where he was. Who that was who called. Where he's been. That'd the the way to do it. Question is, can I handle it?

      This is me bullshittin, though. I might not be fully for it. I still haven't worked out the kinks.. & he hasn't put any red on the bottom of my shoes... so there is no deal made yet... I'm just considering the options.