Ask Ella: Should Women Be Submissive?

 

Question: 
Want to know your insight of being a submissive woman. When and why should a woman be submissive? I'm NOT a for good reasons tho. Talk to me Ella.

 - Miss Fierce & Fancy 

 Hola Miss :)

Happy to help. (You know I love these lol).

      I've been wondering about this "Submissive" thing myself. Getting straight to the point, the reason I wasn't (and kinda still don't want to be) is that this was a characteristic used to describe our White sisters, the same trait that made/makes many Black men choose women of another race over us? Not true? Well, it's the first thing that comes to my mind *shrugs* There are two things I never, EVER want to be: A white girl or a chump. Don't get so offended --I simply love myself that much. I'd never change something about myself that God decided. He gave me beauty wrapped in a difficult box & it's the best thing I've got now that I recognize what I'm made of. It's tough to get to me and through me. My favorite thing about being a Black woman is the inherent fear everyone has of me. I don't need to say anything. Especially if I'm the only Black woman in the conversation, I'm usually, automatically The Boss --even before my brothas. See, everyone is afraid of the Black man except one person - The Black Woman. Sorry to pitch in my pro-Black, *fist up* opinion but Eve was made for and of Adam. If you believe in the idea of a soul mate (click here to read "Does Everyone Get a Soul Mate?"), then the real question, how do you treat your "soul mate?" --No matter your age, race or taste, you give that person all of you.

Upgrade Your Relationships

One year ago, I thought...

9.19.12

It'd have all be fine if he'd have just put it on me this morning. It was all I wanted, really. And the little bit of mouth-love that was promised to me last night. & there's nothing I hate worse than someone who can't keep a promise.

"You're acting like a bitch," was what I wanted to say, but it was 9am and World War IV will have to hold off until another day. World War 3 was a bloody battle and I'm not sure either of us has fully recovered. The Neosporin I have to rub on his chest (and back) daily is my main evidence. But I was pissed off. For every reason. First and foremost, I wanted head. And I still do, but I wanted it before my "lady" time comes and I'm sure tonight will be too late. Then, I had to figure out what to have for lunch today before there wasn't any meat left over from dinner last night. I'd have had a porkchop but I wanted my babe to be full and gave him the other piece. I had planned to get up and sear some steak... but there's only so much a girl can do in the AM. I was so hot & bothered having gotten a "no" I took a 30 minute shower which greatly cut into my getting ready time. And since I usually wake him up for breakfast (of which there was none, today) he was still sleeping at 9AM --when I had to leave the house. "I gotta go," I spoke loudly to wake him to which he responded groggily, "What's with the fucking attitude?" I responded only by placing my hands on my hips, tilting my head and raising my eyebrows. he should know by now that  I don't verbally respond to anything I consider bullshit. 

I'd have left him in my place, comfortable & sleeping... but I'm not there yet. Not to mention, I have a roommate who'd see him head out later and I simply would rather he leave (6am like a considerate nobody would have done.) On one hand, I should have left him there to sleep and get his rest. There's really no reason for him to get up at 8:30am when he doesn't have to. And if I had my own place, I'd gladly let him stay. I hate to disturb him when he's finally resting (I mean, he is my baby). But on the other hand, it's not my own place. And it's not his. And he knew the arrangement before this all started. He's come in and tried to change everything else --granted I've allowed him the room to do so --but there are some things I simply cannot make exceptions for. 

We had it. For a little while, after we got into our last argument, we had it. Every issue we had with one another was addressed clearly. Quickly. Calmly.  When things change from the way they used to be...you need to address it the first instance you can. If you continue to put up with something, it's safe for the other person to assume you're okay with it. I've decided I can't. I can't put up with certain things. And it's not because I want to be a bitch... it's simply shit that irks me to my core like... broken promises.

I guess it's not all that bad. He speaks tough. It's a side effect from his persona. Had I never left the hood I might find it attractive. Now, I simply find his abrasiveness charming. He's my stray dog. Seems to me I've picked him up off the streets. I can only expect from him to pee on the carpet and chew up some shoes. In my best interest, I keep my shoes up high and rub his face in the messes he makes. He'll learn. If he likes a warm bed and a meal everyday... he'll understand where home is. A dog roams, I've been told. I never thought I could handle it though. And in the moments when I thought I could, I couldn't. But now I understand that if I need my space, so does he. It's not out of any feeling in particular more than curiosity or a longing for something new. Just some entertainment. Perhaps a change of pace. I know the reason behind it all. I know that he doesn't feel like being uptight all the time. 

Today I think...

9.19.12

Damned fool. That's what we both were. See what happens when you try to allow idiocy. "Part of his persona"? Absolutely. He was a d*ck to say the very least. But a decent person at the least. My problem is, I see the good in people far too often. I also try to convince myself to be ready for things when I'm not. More so, it's worse that I try to make them ready for it when they're not. He was staying with me in this one bedroom when he should have had a place of his own. Perhaps that's not something I can hold against a man but... I might not be dating until a person has what I have or better. I can't continue to foster relationships with boys trying to be men because I'm fascinated with helping them. They're not my responsibility. As CJ said the other day, I didn't lay down and have no kids. 

But how can we not be concerned? How can you involve yourself with someone and feel no emotion? Contrary to popular belief, I'm not as cold as I seem. I'm also not as dumb as I seem. Secretly, this is the shit a lot of us do to ourselves but are afraid to admit. I fall in love because I love it. I can love anyone at any moment for anything. But it doesn't take me long to wisen up. I read my horoscope last night. Said that this Saturn is finally getting the f*ck out my system. The turmoil --which also brought great teaching-- is coming to an end and my light is getting brighter.

The reason I write all this down is so that I remember not to do it again. Too many times, we end up dating the same-ass nigga because we fail to see how much is like the others. Granted we all have a "type," but that outfit isn't all there is. When a relationship of yours comes to a close, I recommend you take the time to understand what exactly went wrong so that you can address that in your next trail. The same goes for all relationships --family, friends, etc. This isn't to say you won't come across new hurdles and new struggles, but it's a total waste of time to keep dealing with the same bullshit.

Always make sure the next one is an upgrade.

The 10 Second Stress Limit.

      That's all I can allow. Things have gone much better since I vowed to stop being upset. I understand now that something happened. Something made that girl too upset to function. It's something else that makes her upset at you. It's not you and maybe the issue is that it's not you. You treat the people around you how you want to treat them. So while I embarked on writing this with the intent of semi-apoligizing, I take my half-assed, hal-expressed apology back. 

        I dont regret anything I've done. I stand behind all of the attitudes, all of the arguments, all of the yelling the paintballing, the egg-throwing, the writing all over your mattress and throwing it outside of your house, the bloody lips, the bruises the statement I made about you life and in whose hands it would end because I truly meant it all. I had reason for it all. Perhaps there was anger seething underneath that neither of us could see, but I wasn't there yet. And I needed that. I needed to be the worst person in the world to understand my greatness. I had to pinpoint my weaknesses and work on each of them individually. Now, I am unstoppable. Now, I am the dream. I chase love & labels in the same race. That's two goals on one path; I multitask my ass off. So while I chase the riches I never forget the importance of my heart. The one place I think females go wrong (because I turned down the road once, btu smartened up and retraced my steps) is that we choose one over the other. We think it's money or love. It's a family or an education. It's him or me. In reality, it should be both. And it should be effortless. 

        I need a partner. I've always envied the gay community in that they have "partners" and I don't. I want someone to be my equal so when I allow them leverage, they understand it's all love and not ownership. If I call you daddy, it's not because you own me, but because the title fits. It's not because I should listen to you but because I want to. It's not because you're the head of the household, but because you're fit to be that someday. I need things to run smoothly. I need someone to feel the vibe and not rely on the words. I need someone to be invested 150% and have faith in the decisions I make without them although those would be very few. With that said, we need get along. 

      I don't know what it is about an argument that alleviates stress. It's simply something you need to win. It's a battle you can claim victory over. So when there's nothing left to do, we act on our barbaric nature and wage wars on our neighbors when, if we sat and came to an agreement, we could simply expand the empire keeping both parties' interests at hand. This is what I understand: There is no need to fight. I give myself 10 seconds to be upset and then I force myself to be happy. I challenge myself to think of the real reason I'm upset. Is it even him? Or do I just need attention? Who really pissed me off today Sometimes, you get a good man sitting across the table from you but you're too caught up in your emotions --fighting for his love-- that you push him away instead. You give him the angriest you possible and determine that he should love you no matter what. No, he should love you because. Why make it difficult for him?  Granted, everyone has the right to be upset... so allow yourself 10 seconds. Turn that shit around & get back to business. Sometimes it was nothing, and sometimes you have to make it nothing. All stress and drama does is sidetrack you from the shit you should be doing.  You've got to clear the path before you start down it. 

     Your ultimate goal should be to make one another happy. If he's not making you happy... you need to leave. I'm not sure how to sugar coat that. If you don't, it's your own fault. You know that you should leave. I pray you have the strength to listen to your heart and understand the value of your happiness. But at the same rate, if he's not happy... he has the right to react as well. "If every time I come here, we argue, why would I want to be here," my ex asked (I learned so much in the 2 days we dated smh). He was right. Who wants to stay in a bad situation. & whatever your current engagement is missing, you try to find elsewhere. You no longer look forward to it. Remember when you first started dating and you were nice and you paid attention to everything he said. You read his text messages twice so that you understood them through and through. You let your response sit and wait until you had time to look it over again... all to keep him around. And then you stop. You stop caring. You stop caring that he had a bad day and don't care how he slept last night. You only hit him when you see him tweet someone else and you only call him "baby" on Facebook. You're not who you pretended to be. Actually... you are  who you pretended to be, but for some reason decided not to do that anymore. 

          Maybe it's not your fault. It's almost impossible to keep being nice to someone you don't like. So, I encourage you to reevaluate your situation. Understand why you're upset at him. If you truly do have a reason, calculate how much stress that's bringing into your life that you don't need. Or how much stress you're giving him that he doesn't need. Some relationships just aren't meant to last. For that reason, I take mine very seriously. So serious, I end them as soon as possible. I'm sure many of you have been in a relationship for longer than you needed to. I read through old text messages the other day and realized that my 2 year relationship was more like 1.5 had I paid attention. His responses changed. There was no more love. I should have ended it when the fights first began --as we all should, as I now do. I think that down is a permanent direction. You should plateau at the least. Growth is all you should witness when you're with someone. If we're not growing, not moving, not improving, then --obviously-- this isn't meant to be. Why would I tie  myself into an arrangement that doesn't benefit me?

       Pay attention to love. But also pay attention to stress. The fights are a sign. When you start looking the other way, you begin to head in the wrong direction. Stop pretending you don't see it. Take ownership of your relationships and your happiness. & Pay attention to him. He wants to feel like you just met for the rest of your life. If he loves the person you are now, continue to be that person. Fuck "maturing" and "growing", be yourself. Life moves regardless of what you do and you'll change along without whether you pay attention or not. The important things about you (and the important people around you) will stay the.

     Fuck it. Be happy. Be in love (or on the way there). Stop fighting. Stop stressing him. Quit the attitude. He doesn't always want to fight you. He's not always doing something wrong. And if he is, the better you treat him, the guiltier he'll feel as he commits his sins. You can't change the way the world is towards you but fuck... Karma's a pretty bitch if you take your time & dress her up right.

<3

Ella.

You Know Better: Don't Engage

"Thank God you blew it. Thank God I dodge the bullet. I'm so over you. Baby good lookin' out. I wanted you bad. I'm so through with that. Cuz, honestly, you turned out to be the best thing I never had.
Beyonce, "Best Thing I Never Had"

I wrote this September 20th, 2011 but never published it.

I dont really know why we're fighting. All I know is that, for some reason, it was too cold for a quickie this morning. I wanted to roll over & call him a female, but instead, I hopped in the shower so I'd have some space to be upset.

Sometimes, we make ourselves more upset than we need to be.

What it's seeming like now is that he has nothing to say back to me. He's fantastic at arguing. His come backs are always in rotation, ready to release. I doubt a lame come-back has ever left his lips. But... he gets a little rude. He gets a little lost in the way he's used to being. He tends to confuse my confidence with the ignorance of the common hoodrat because you know they can be a a pretty as you want them to be, and still be the same damned thing. I'm unsure he's fully realized who I am.

I don't speak to him much. I don't tell him much about myself because the details of my life a rarely relevant in the conversation. Not to mention, I hate feeling like I'm on a dating show. I'd rather get to know someone the same way friends become familiar with one another --over time. Eventually, details make their way into a story and you learn about the other person without ever having to ask a question. Then there's the factor that, while every person's life is interesting on it's own, one person's story might be more interesting than the next. See... I've been through hardship, but the hardship was not my own. I was affected by the residual effects of it all. He, on the other hand, has witnessed life first hand. Hardship, first hand. I just want to know his story. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually interested in someone.

If you know me at all, you know that I fall hard, fast.

I've tried to stop thinking about what he'll do for me in good faith that he will do for me. I have no reason to believe otherwise. There are times when I jump on the defensive too early for my own good. It's a characteristic of women most men take issue with: The assumption that all men are dogs. It's a thought that holds just as true as one stating that all women are "crazy". They're both correct in some fashion, but it simply depends on the person you are with to decide what level of crazy/dog you're willing to put up with. Me? I like a little dog --when done appropriately. I know some might not understand but... it's simply what I... am okay with. 

A lot of shit pisses me off. Simple shit like the way he phrases things. 

     A week and a day later I sat in a corner holding my hand over the left side of my face. I know he took it easy because he's left handed. I appreciate his using his weaker hand. I suppose someone had to smack reality into me.

      You know what's wrong. We like to sit around and pretend that the problem came out of nowhere. We  claim we don't know what happened. But what happened was the same thing that threw you off in the first place is the things that will come around and bite you in the ass int he long run. This isn't to say that some problems can't be overlooked, merely to point out that some are more serious than others. There are things you can get over like... the physical - what they look like & where they are. But character goes unchanged. A lazy man is a lazy man at 8am and 8pm. If he had no job this morning, last week, or 5 months ago, he's going to keep laying up on your couch eating up all the Raisin Bran - which he probably claimed not to like but he'll empty the box anyway. 

         I knew he was a dog. I said it myself. I even liked it --I said it myself. But not only did I get a dog, but I became his bitch. I cowered under his raised fist debating the best time to strike back. All I had to do was slide through the door, but it wasn't an easy task with his hands around my neck. I knew it was over. Even more so, I knew I should've left his ass alone... but I kept on.  Claiming to be ignorant of my own common sense. I knew he had the ability to throw me over the edge. I knew he was capable of disrespecting me. I should have known better to get involved with a man who was "just looking for a friend" but I moved on anyways. Whole time, I knew that friendship was neither what he had in mind, nor what I was looking for. Still, just to avoid being alone --just to provide myself a little entertainment, I risked everything. 

      The worst outcome of a failed relationship is when it inhibits you from moving forward. You tied yourself to the jerk you half got rid of. He's not your "boyfriend" anymore, but you continue to speak because he hits you. You might not respond all the time, but if he hits you on the right day --at the right time-- you might just respond with a little bit of attitude. This way, he knows that he hasn't yet won. That you aren't back on his call... but you are. Every time you respond you allow him to squeeze into your life and --even worse-- into your heart. It's just a text,  right? Nothing will come of it, right? So what if the shoe were on the other foot? What if the guy you're with is doing the same thing with an ex of his? Is it still just a text? What will come of it, do you think? 

    Deceit is deceit no matter how well justified. Peter Abelard claims that sin occurs before the action takes place. Sin takes place in the moment you even consider doing wrong. It's the idea that if  the possibility were open to you, you might do it. If you're current boyfriend fucks up, you might just sleep with one the guys sitting on your bench. You've already sinned. You've already fucked up the Karma. You've already done him wrong. How can you expect him to remain faithful and committed to you when you've already allowed yourself space and time to "please yourself". Sometimes, in looking out for yourself, you're just ruining what is out there for you. You've inserted bad Karma into a relationship and there's only a matter of time before you start to text too heavy with one or two of those guys and he asks questions. Then, you can argue that that's just a friend, but when he leaves your house that night, I guarantee he'll be out considering friends of his own. And since you have already made it okay, do you really have room to dispute your case? & If he's that good a man, I'm sure someone else will take advantage of the man you took for granted.

      What ever happened to the Golden Rule? I typically bash guys on here and tell them what to do to make us happy, but they don't quite respond correctly. With that said, I think it's time someone address women. We're at fault with the way things have ended, too. We're not perfect and, if my mother was right --which she typically is-- we're even worse. A woman can be ruined the way a man can't remember that. So when you're out fighting invisible wars with him, understand that he will come out on top regardless of how many kills you might have had overall. He's just another man that ran through you and left you because another man ran through you.

You can't beat 'em. 

You don't necessarily have to join 'em.

& there's really no need to screw 'em. 

    If you don't want him. Leave him alone. For your sake. For the sake of whatever relationship is coming next. As to respect yourself. It's simply not attractive for women to be involved with so many men. I used to build my bench up to 7, so I could call them by days of the week and laugh with my friends. But those bedroom conversations have to end at some point. Break ups stop being funny. And when you're left alone, and you have time to think, you'll understand where you went wrong. Let's try to avoid that. It's not a fun mental space to play in.

    In sum: If you have a man, stop texting your ex unless it's okay for him to text his. & If you REALLY want to stop talking to a guy, don't engage him. If you keep responding, you need to figure out why that is. Be clear and honest with yourself. Stop saying you're going to leave if your not. But once you said you'd leave, leave. I know it's easier said than done but it's easier done than you think. They'll say anything to get a response from you but you have to realize you deserve better. There is no need for the pain or the fighting or the drama. Sometimes you just have to let shit go and have faith that it will all turn out for the best. You're so afraid of being alone you've probably never really gotten the time to love yourself the way you think he does. You need to quit. All you have to do is stop responding. & when you feel like you want to... just remember it's just going to happen again, except worse. Don't engage. 


Still need convincing? Read this: Delete Contact? Absolutely. 

"Like" That.

I'ma pimp him. It's over, man. - Jay-Z Is That Yo Chick.

       This is why I didn't want him to be my Facebook friend. We broke up. & it was initially about money. So he posted his status as shown above.  I saw it. So, I liked the muthafucka. Not because I was upset, rather, because I agreed. Why am I worried about him when I should be out making money? Or something like that. However I understood at that moment, I liked it. So I clicked it. Like a regular "friend" right? Wrong. Women tell themselves this because we're "always right" when in reality I should have just left him alone. A mature woman would have left him alone. But... this is the experience in which I learned. It won't happen again. Since then, he won't stay off my wall. I went out with my sister & co. the other night & did what any normal person does when they get home, they update the internet about how much more awesome their life is in comparison to these digital "friends." 

        "Fantastic night <3," I posted. The next day, he blessed me with a "You ain't do shit," Comment underneath. Three of them. IDK how it showed up three times but it did. So I commented back. I went on about how glamorous my night was partying at the W and walking around times square with 6-inch heels on wearing blood red-lipstick inspired by Lanvin's Spring 2011 collection. I also told him about how I met a sweet boy who goes by the name "Fly" and walked me all the way home that night. Then I remembered that I want nothing to do with him. 

       If you don't want a guy to talk to you, don't talk to him. I've ignored his texts thus far. & it seems like he's gotten the hint until I liked his bitch-ass status. So 53 minutes after I responded to his comment (oh, I also told him to refrain from vulgarity on my page) I deleted my comments along with his. My page was now Piss Boy free. I  don't want any trace of a conversation between us. But he presses on. After I deleted his comments, he posted again. Either he wanted to be a dick and try to play me like I wasn't enjoying myself, or he's really thirsty for my attention. I don't want to encourage him to keep speaking to me. In fact, I want to discourage him. Sometimes, we keep men in the rotation simply to avoid being alone. But you can't control how you feel about them. We end up treating these guys like trash and just bringing them along for the ride. We ruin them. You know when a man is no longer meant for you. When nothing good will come of it. But you selfishly keep him anyway. And really it's not just the woman's fault. Guys, you let  us do it. You keep calling. Keep begging for shitty treatment. When we're with you, we can do whatever we want. Say whatever we want. If we're lucky, we can have whatever we want. That is why we abuse you: because we can. 

       Having me around wouldn't be healthy for him. Now, I could find a way to get some red on the bottoms of my shoes (as its the ultimate goal for the cold-hearted woman) but I actually liked him a tad. If left to my own devices, I would abuse him. Because I can. Because I have. It's easy, really. I know what to say when and how to say it. So anything I've said for him to get upset at his been either on purpose or out of plain "Don't give a fuck." Either way, it's not good for him. And I really shouldn't take advantage of men like that. It is  wrong. Still, some men want to be abused. If he reads this and still wants to take me out, I can do so with a clear conscience. I'm not hiding the fact that I like to be taken out and bought things. Everyone wants those things. Most girls hide it. Most girls are too afraid to admit that a pair of shoes can make them happy. But let's be real, they do. When I get home, I change into a pair of shoes I can't wear to work. So I can feel pretty. That's what I like. The shit makes me happy and I only do shit which will make me happy.  I was honest with him. And he didn't like that. 

      Sadly, I didn't love him. I would manufacture ways in my mind for us to work out... but should one really force love? He read my blog once and said he felt like he was just around till You came back. & he's right. I'm not exactly thrilled about it... but he's right. There's nothing I can do about where my heart is (even and especially if it's in a dumb place). So until the day when I get exactly who I want: 

 I don't love 'em, I abuse them. & I don't miss them when I lose them. 

At least I'm strong enough to admit it. 

(If this was Facebook, you'd "Like" that shit. lol. Matter fact, you should post this blog on your Facebook. Muchas gracias!!)

 At the end of the day, though, he pee'd in my cups. You can't come back from that. 

When the Piss Fills the Cup.

        

Picture cred: http://thedeafsage.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/shit-hits-the-fan.jpg?w=300&h=121

      A lot of shit has happened. Mainly, I'm single again. I was in a relationship for approximately 3 days last week & I'm excited to tell you all about it. If you've read my blog before, you know that 3 days of excitement leaves a month worth of posts, and I assure you, there is much to follow. 

    Truth be told, I don't want to be alone. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing. Is it wrong to want one person to yourself? Or should I say, "Fuck the world. I don't need anyone." Or do I need more than just one and fuck the whole world? I'm sure you know which route I chose. I didn't want to be one the side. I never do. & I always follow my own rules (Rule #1, Never be #2). Funny thing about that post is... that same guy ended up being my boyfriend (lol... he cant really count, tho). In retrospect, I should have guessed this wouldn't end well, but I'm a sucker for boys with degrees on their walls, business cards in their wallets and money in the bank. And he certainly put in his all to make me feel like #1. 

    He wasn't terrible. Actually, he was super sweet. He was fun. Had a pretty smile. Took charge. Held his own like a man and made me feel like his lady. He dealt with my attitude (most of time & believe me, that's a skill) like most others pretend to. He did a lot. Took me out when I wanted. Bought me Fudge Striped cookies for my late night munchies and had an L rolled every morning. But over all, I think I wore him out. More so, I think he wasn't used to someone like me --someone used to men like him. 

     Here's what "happened" according to him. Someway, somehow, I blurted out how I wouldn't date him if he didn't take me out. He got "upset" and didn't want to talk anymore. He went on about how that was a fucked up statement to make blah blah... 

"Don't fuck with me then," I told him simply. 

"I won't. I don't," He responded.

Click, went my phone. 

Then... he texted me this, verbatim: 

"I remember I bought those shoes for you and I thought you were going to return the gesture to make an impression on me that you care about how I look but your too willing to not do anything for me but cook a meal that I NEVER ask for."

LMFAO. Then I reminded him those shoes were for my birthday. Why would I "return the gesture" when your birthday isn't until.. ummm.. December-ish? I told him those home cooked meals don't buy themselves. That spinach omelet didn't make itself. & that frozen french toast didn't toast itself! That's why I don't cook for niggas forreal. lmao. Ungrateful bastards! Oh.. & check this [excuse me, because I think this is all hilarious. I feel like..... I THINK I NEED A BARBEEERRR. NONE OF THIS NIGGAS CAN FADE MEEEE. lmao.]

"oh well, I get you a birthday gift and you think you deserved it? I barely knew [you] but I knew I liked you so I wanted to do something nice for you. You don't do anything for me besides make me food I DON'T ask for."

Fuck. He hates  my food. lol. Well... hey, I do, too. That's why I like to be taken out to eat :)

     I'm not sure why he wanted to spend money on me. That's his problem, though. Sometimes I felt like it was because he wanted to. Other times, I didn't think much of it, I simply assumed he understood his role as a man. Eventually though, there were requests for other things only certain women get paid for. I tried to be good him. & since I couldn't return the favor in the way he asked, I decided I'd get on my game and become a woman for him. You know.. the whole cook, clean, laundry thing. But apparently, that wasn't enough. I thought that's what he wanted. I thought he'd appreciate it. Nope. I didn't expect it to happen this way. I didn't expect him to ask me to buy him things and spend money on him. That was the last thing I expected. Truthfully, I figured maybe he wanted more head. (lol) But, I'm more of a man than he is, obviously. 

    But in any "breakup", there's the reason you break up and the real reason you break up. Because, in any break up, there's one person who wants more, and the other has to decide its done. This time around, it's me. & I'm only saying that because I know I can have him back if I want him. How do I know? Because he left his watch at my place. So he's been texting me for it... but the "goodnight" text message that accompanied shouldn't have been sent. Never mind his posting on my wall. 

THE REAL REASONS
The list below are both the reasons why it didn't work and why I'll never go back.  
I'll eventually link them to posts explaining each. Give me some time ;) 



1.  He doesn't want to take me out to eat anymore. & when a man complains about spending money, it's because he has way less that he makes out. & I'm not here to hear about his financial issues. I have my own. Sorry, I'm not a "ride or die". I work hard & survive. I don't have time to monitor someone else's financials. That's what an accountant is for.

2. He expects me to buy him things. For that, I'll either date a hot chick or have a kid.
 He's not my son to raise.

3. His Penis. (You'll want to read this one.)

4. He's not the man I want.

5. I can abuse him too easily.

6. He's not famous.

7.  He pee'd in my cups.
(Yep. Piss. In my drinking glasses.)
& There's no coming back from that.
The icing on the fucking cake, huh? 

Stay Tuned, y'all. My life; your entertainment. 

She's So Fine.

    

       

          So here's the situation: He fucked up. He doesn't know it, but he did. And you're upset. And you try not to be. Because you don't really want to argue, but that's the only way this is going to happen. You want to tell him how you feel but you don't want to come off as jealous/angry/stupid/insecure/immature or, the all-time favorite, crazy. But its how you feel and as you hold it in, you feel like it's going to kill you. You don't say anything, but it comes through in your every action even if you try not to. You come off one of two ways: Angry or sad. It just depends on what happened. If you're angry, you say nothing because you might just say something you'll regret (which happens most of the time) and nothing inyou wants to hurt his feelings but when a woman feels like being a bitch, a bitch she will be. But if you're sad, you'd rather not say anything because it hurts to talk about it and you're trying to figure out what to say. You don't want to accuse him of anything or make him upset, but there's a thought lingering in your mind that you simply can't shake and it controls your every action. 

        This blog does a couple of things. First, it allows me to stand on a makeshift, digital pedestal and report the world my overflowing acumen. In other words, I get to pretend to be famous, brilliant and famously brilliant. Secondly, I get to help others. So if I recognize an issue I think should be examined in detail, I can do that for them. When a girlfriend of mine has an issue, I can't help but to think I should blog about that. (I'd like to apologize for that now.) But mostly, it's because it's a thought I have as well. But this way, I can provide a removed insight as I attempt to maintain diplomacy. It's my philanthropic mission: help females (and whoever else needs it) fight the mental struggles rarely addressed. I'm a modern-day philosopher of sorts. The Great Ella? lol.. Seriously though, & most importantly, is that this blog helps me help myself and pretend it's you. 

         I'm fine, you say. Perhaps to avoid drama. Maybe because you simply want him to baby you and make you feel like he cares about your every emotion -- whether consciously or unconsciously, this is a feeling that simply can't be compared to any other. And sometimes, when you argue, it's the only time you know that he cares. It's when you can see if how you feel affects him. You notice how he reacts and take that as a direct signifier of how he feels. It's undoubtedly correlated so you see no wrong in doing this. Silently you sit, judging him. Having a secret meltdown he's completely unaware of until it builds up and you finally break down. You are not fine. The "I'm Fine" has got to go. It's got to stop. You need to let him know how you feel. I know we're scared that it'll end up badly, but what possibly can go wrong if you just tell him how you feel when you feel it? I'm tired of holding shit in. I can't do it anymore. I don't care what it is. It's not fair for anyone If you address the situation in the moment, you'll both be clear on what just happened. There won't be any "remember when" or "the other day". You should address it as soon as it happens. & there's a way to do it, I think. 

       Instead of flipping out, you should talk. Think of any situation. Any one. From cheating to him speaking over you. All you should have to say is, "I didn't like that." Slowly and quietly. And I'm sure he'll listen. He'll say "didn't like what?" and you can respond by saying the following:

"I didn't like the when you _______ because it made me feel _________. The reason is __________."  

     Now, this is assuming you have an adult relationship. If you're a yeller, if he's a yeller, or you both just have a really hard time having normal conversation, my method probably won't work for you. And granted, this might not work for everyone. You have to learn how to have a conversation first. My problem? I don't "yield." I willingly give my point but would rather not give the opposition the chance to rebut. That's not how you have a conversation and that's something I'm personally working on. But I the only reason I have time to work on that is because I took the time to work on actually speaking.

        I no longer pretend to be fine. Because if I'm upset, even wrongly so,  something is wrong. I shouldn't be upset. Not to say that you won't get upset, I understand people are bound to have disagreements, but I believe that those disagreements need to be hashed out immediately rather than sit and marinate. & This goes for all of the feelings. If you say you forgive someone, you forgive them. The conversation is over and done with. The more you hang onto being upset, the worse it will be for you. Sometimes you really just have to let shit go. Mistakes are made. You've got to understand that. 

        I am no exception. The reason I'm writing this now is not only for you guys, but for myself as well. Because I reread my own writing. I find my own solutions are the best for me. & perhaps the next time I get into a place where I feel like saying "I'm fine," I'll remember this post and consciously change my actions and hopefully handle the situation in a manner that is beneficial to my relationships. & I mean all relationships: friends, family and fun-partners. I feel like if those people care about you like you care about them, it should be okay for you to be upset about something. It should be okay to have the conversation. Even more so, it should be required to have the conversation as to address anything that might cause a rift in that particular relationship. 

       I didn't say a word. But the thoughts were running through my head. The thoughts I laid out for you in Relationships: Crisis Management. The truth is, we haven't been seeing each other long, but we've been having fun. But all of a sudden you get the that point where you get upset about things. You try not to, and you feel like you don't even have the right to... but you're human. You have emotions. & anyone who isn't okay with you having emotions about how you interact with them can't possibly care about you. So I've been trying to manage this in a new way. Attempting to find a method that works. I know that every couple fights, but how do the good couples fight? I don't want a throwing-punches relationship. I've been there. I don't want a yelling and no one listening relationship. Had that, too. I also don't want a forgive-me-now-hold-it-against-me-later relationship. That one sucked the most. I want a we-both-actually-care relationship. Wherein my partner allows me the freedom to express every one of my emotional/jealous/intense/crazy/jumped-to-conclusions opinions and handles them accordingly. 

       I don't know how a guy should respond yet. But my guess at this point is just hear her out. Let her talk. No matter how dumb it is. No matter how wrong she is. Because she might have interpreted a situation wrong or blown it out of proportion, but that doesn't make her pain any less valid. You hurt us without knowing. And sometimes, it's the simplest shit. And while we shouldn't take it so seriously we do. Because it's you. And anything having to do with you is supremely important and all we really want is for you to feel the same about us. Sadly, going "crazy" is how we express our affection. Sorry guys. Oh... but if you don't know what to do, remember this: She's always right. Not because she's right, but because if you like/love her... you should feel like everything in her pretty little world should be right. 

     Speaking of crazy... the reason I think you should let it out asap is because you actually do drive yourself crazy. You let this idea run around in your head and play with your emotions and stress you out and then you take it out on him and he has no idea why because you won't tell him and you have to see how that must be irritating. And it irritates them. So it's not that he doesn't care about how you feel or that he's being rude... it's that you are being annoying. & I can be really annoying. Think of it this way: If he were out with his friends, his friends wouldn't be sitting around all emotional. Neither would his family. And he'd surely be stress free if her were just chillin home alone. I think this is why guys are never looking for a "girlfriend." Because stress comes with the territory so they try to avoid that for as long as possible. But you both know that if you catch feelings, there's no bypassing the drama. But I'm certain there is a way to limit it. It's okay to get emotional, just don't do the shit all the time. No one wants that all the time. Even your girlfriends will get tired of hearing you talk/complain about the same guy. Luckily, I blog ;) 

      I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in order to truly be fine, you have to allow yourself to not be fine. Like... in my trying to employ this logic in my own relationships, I've found myself to be more at peace. I have less on my mind. I'm not bogged down by some "issue". Instead, I'm free to just live. And I don't have a reason to be mad at him for more than a couple minutes. & whenever he leaves, I try to make sure he leaves happy, or at least knowing that I care. That I'll get over it soon. That if I'm upset with him and I want to talk it out, it's not because I hate him and want to argue, rather because I adore him and want to fix this. Ladies, you should never let your man leave the house angry. Someone else might gladly cheer him up. And even if that girl isn't all that great, if even she's second-rate,  it's better than being with a pretty girl who does nothing but argue all the time. So if you don't have time to talk and make amends before he leaves, give him a kiss, grab his junk... something. Something to make him smile. & it might make you smile. Better yet, just smile. Give him something to make him look forward to coming back. Because if he leaves angry, and that's the last feeling he has of you, that's the feeling he'll anticipate upon returning. ho in their right mind wants that? 

      That's all I've got for today. Hope it works for someone. More importantly, I hope it works for me. 

xoxox, 

Ella 

All Hail the Queen.

      Step #1 in acquiring a happy relationship is learning to mind your own business.  It's a lot of self-restrain which, previously, I was incapable of. You want to know where he is at all times, who is there and (deny it if you'd like) what the conversation is about. You want to know. Not simply to keep tabs on him (but that's included) but because you need reassurance that he cares for you and only you. Most times, men won't say it to you. They won't give you the reassurance you need. We want to feel like the only girl in the world (thank you, Riri) and when we don't feel that way, we try to convince ourselves that we are. Sometimes though, I think we go about it the wrong way. Instead of focusing on how much time he spends with us and the things he does for us, we're concerned about his time away from us and what he's doing elsewhere. 

     If you break out of this frame of mind, life becomes glorious. If you've read "Crazy [in Love]" or "Mr. Thursdays" or, worse, "The Unthinkable" you'll have noticed I was  going through it. Like... through it. I mean... relatively. From any girl's point of view, anyway. It's been a while since I've been seriously involved in anything. Sure, there are crushes. I like everyone. I'll have a crush on any guy who's cute, talks to me nice & takes me out to eat. I'ma simple girl, really. But there's a difference when you begin to spend actual time with a person. Time that has nothing to do with them. Like... conversation about the upcoming election or the state of the Black community in modern America while I... paint my toenails. That's the kind of chemistry I dig.  & while your topic of conversation might vary from mine. I think that a person should just... fit into what you do normally. They should make you feel like you can continue to be you even when they're in the room. It's comfort. I mean, if love & marriage are forever, I'm going to be comfortable. 

     Your man wants to be comfortable, too. Honestly, you have to decide what type of girlfriend you want to be: Loud and screaming? Ignorant and inconsiderate? Spoiled and selfish? I've been all of these. And truthfully, if a man still loves you through any stance you take, that's what he decided. In a matter of a month, I was all these girls. I don't know why. I don't do it on purpose. It just happens. Sometimes you're meaner than you want to be. Sometimes he's more annoying than he needs to be. But it all stems from somewhere.Fellas, if you're lady is a bitch to you, it's probably not because she's a bitch. We're scared. All of us. Sacred to open up. Scared to get hurt. Scared to let him and scared to be alone. Scared that he's not the one. Scared that he is. Scared that he won't feel like you do. Scared that he'll leave. I was so upset at him those couple of days that I had to sit back and listen to myself. I had to figure out what it was. Was it really him? Or was it me? I started to ask myself these questions and literally half standing by myself like my own therapist trying to get my true feelings out.

      I know I don't love him. I just met him. But for some reason, I was trippin' - for lack of a better word. The only thing I actually heard myself say was this: I don't deserve to be alone. I've always felt that way, though. This is nothing new. And I've always deserved the best treatment, if I should say so myself. Not to mention, I believe that every girl deserves to be loved. Myself, included. Yet every time I get out of a relationship I'm stuck asking myself the same question: What did I do wrong now? Why don't things last? And they typically last a good 2-3 years, but that's been my max. Is it something wrong with me? 

  I've decided that it was something wrong with me. While I wasn't blatantly a bad person to him, I'd hold back. There are certain things a man wants and needs. We try to pretend like we don't care and don't have to care... but they matter to him nonetheless. And the better you satisfy the needs of your partner (selflessly) the better your partnership. He does anything I ask him to. Or he'll go out of his was to please me without my asking --that's the greatest. So why won't I do that for him? Why wouldn't I treat him the same way. He'll let me get away with holding back. He'd mention things but rarely complain. So doesn't he deserve to be treated well, too? He doesn't have to love me. And I don't have to love him. But we should want to make the other person happy --if we truly care for them. Sometimes, I think we hold back on our partners because we don't want to give too much We play the game under the rule of "Well you ain't my man" and purposely --although not maliciously-- keep our best faces to ourselves. If you were treat a man the way you know you can treat him (if he deserves it), you can keep that man forever. At least, that's how I'm approaching this situation. And lord knows things don't always work out the way we plan, but at least I'll get some good times out of it. At least we'll be out of the drama. At least we'll be happy. 

     So how am I going to keep the crazy under control? By minding my own business. When a man wants you to know where he is. He'll let you know. I don't ask where he is. And when I want him to come over, I don't ask, I don't tell... I simply let him know I'm free. If he's not, he lets me know. If he is, he'll be over (at a decent hour). I stopped talking about the other girls  --if there are any. I've stopped insinuating that that's where he's been. IF he has been with someone else, it doesn't matter because he's there with me now, & we shouldn't waste our time concerned with whores. I've taken the road before where I openly talk about the other girls to "prove" that I don't care. But no girl wants to know about anyone else. Even if she starts the conversation. Even if she asks. But I let him know that I don't want to know. I'm not going to ask for him to pledge his fidelity to me, but I won't allow him to blatantly disrespect me, either. I need him to lie to me if he has to. (Read: Me, You & Her: Open Relationships) I care more about my heart than I do about his penis. 

     When he's with me, I'm his Lady. He might not say it. I might not say it. But you couldn't argue otherwise. We don't need to publicly title what we have (Read" What Do You Want?: Relationship Titles) but the public display will speak for itself. If you were to "date" my man, you'd still be jealous of how he treats me. He should treat me that much better than he treats you. I'm the one who gets his time. "I want all of my calls answered," and I told him that. In return, I'll cook him dinner, bring him a glass of water and give him a massage after a long day. When's he's with me, I allow him to be a man. I let go. I open up. I do it all for him with no reserve. I tell him where I'm going and what my plans are but I don't ask about his plans. He's a man. He wants to be in control. I don't play around on his phone or ask him why he  has a password on it. My phone has no password. & I delete nothing. I have nothing to hide. I'm honest with him and he needs to know that. He needs to know that he can trust me. So that he doesn't feel dumb while he's trickin' on me and spending all this extra time. Men hold back, too. But you don't want to give them a reason to.  Because that's when the next girl comes in and makes him feel like a King. Then there's another woman on what should have been your throne. 

    *Waves to the Ex* All hail the Queen. 

     We all want to be treated like Queens. Even the girls who claim to need and want nothing. You can be a evil Queen or an adored Queen. It's really your choice.  Still, we want to be spoiled and loved and thought of and revered and held in high-esteem like the most magnificent woman created. But we treat our men like dogs. We give them less than they deserve. We show them no respect. We expect them to fuck up and then push them in that direction. We yell, we bitch, we moan (and not in a good way) and still expect to be treated like royalty. I said it before, there wasn't a moment I didn't deserve everything in the world. Any man who takes the time out to know me, understand me and actually care for me couldn't deny that, no matter what I did to him. for example, my ex from when I was 16 still sends me a Happy Birthday message every year. This year, he was the first to say it. And I did him dirty. But he loves me. Because deep down, I am a good person. I just need a man who is willing to sit around for a little bit and see that. Then, he deserves to be my King and I will treat him accordingly. Luckily, I've gotten to the point where I can care about him openly... and allow him more than just Thursdays ;) 

& maybe one day, he'll make me his Queen. I wouldn't be mad at that. I'm living a beautiful fantasy while I can. You really can't blame me. 

Step #2, you ask? Simple. You must employ great patience. 

CRAZY [in Love]

I wouldn't mind a dude that can take my attitude and take the time to listen. Someone that understands when I need a little space and when I need attention. Mya ft Lil Wayne "Lock U Down"

         I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do. Truth is, I like him. & not only do I like him, but he treats me well --for the most part. I don't have complaints like most girls do. He's not an asshole. He compliments me incessantly. Whatever I ask for, he will give. And when he does say no, he says it exactly as he should. We've been spending a lot of time together. To the point where his deodorant and towel are placed next to mine for our early morning routine. I'm beginning to wonder if this is all moving too fast. He says girlfriends get "crazy" ("Don't go crazy," he tells me) and I'll admit that they do. Thing is,we have nothing but reason to do so. If women out there are anything like me, you spend most of your time keeping your insecurities at bay.  So here's what happened... I'll give you the day-by-day play of how a woman can go crazy with her own thoughts. 

      Friday was fabulous. He took me to dinner at The PrimeHouse and I promise I've never had a better prepared steak. With the lobster mashed potatoes and creamed spinach, the meal was fantastic. And he treats me right. An appetizer, a drink, a glass of wine and two (delicious) deserts followed by a cappuccino sums up the feast. Every dish was as delectable as the last. But here's the thing.. we eat..together. Most times, when you go on a date with someone, you eat only what you order and maybe share a desert. He's a wonderful partner. He orders with me and for me. He makes me taste what he's got and I offer him mines. Most importantly, he finishes what I can't. They say the key to a man's heart is through his stomach...but most men don't eat shit.. so you're at a loss. He eats everything. He ordered the spinach. That might not mean much to the next girl, but I like a man who eats well... or healthy, rather. 

    The reason we went out, though, was because I had asked. & I find that marvelous. All I have to do is ask him & he does. "Can we go out and get drunk & dance & have fun?" I asked him Friday morning, in my sweetest voice. "Sure," was all he said and I did doubt he'd come through. But he certainly showed up later that night, looking dapper as ever, bottle of Sutter Home Moscato in hand (cheap but tasty. He's just getting into wines, give my boy a break! lol). If I were to say I fell in love that night, one would question whether I was wooed by him or his ability to treat me so well (aka the cash) and I'm unsure of how to separate the two. I do love how he treats me. I do love what he can do for me. More so, though, I love that he actually does it. There are men out there who, even if they could afford to treat you well, don't. & there are men out there who would give you the world but they don't have a dime to spare. Is it wrong to want a man who wants to and can? 

      Saturday: Crazy part 1. I got irritated. Sometimes, when you're around someone for too long, it happens. Things bother you. I have the tendency to be a... um... bitch. I give an attitude. I get upset at anything that is said to me. Things that would roll off my chest at any other time, I attack with great vengeance. Sometimes, I feel less affectionate after a man has tricked on me. Simply because I don't think I should force myself to be affectionate in return for him dropping a couple dollars on me. I don't have a price. Granted a man deserves a affection, but it's never owed to him.  But on this day, he was getting touchy. He'd been in my face the past couple of days and I really... just needed some space. But I caught an attitude. When you spend little time with someone, all you see are their good qualities. You don't have enough time to see the bad and get irritated or aggravated. Had I been the same me I was a year or so ago, I'd have kept up the attitude and asked him to leave. But I dealt with it. Instead, I went for a walk.  I needed air. I needed to breathe. I needed to reevaluate. I needed to leave the room so  I'd stop finding him difficult to deal with. I needed to... reenergize. If you readers ever feel this "irritation", trust me, a walk will do. You need to separate for a good 10 or 15 minutes to be alone with your thoughts before it gets bad.

         When I came back, I apologized. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I rarely find myself in the wrong. But instead of simply apologizing, I explained this to him. That'd we'd been spending a lot of time. That I didn't want to be a bitch. That I do enjoy his company... but I need some time for myself. He understood. He told me I wasn't acting like that and he'd never call me that word (even if I was, I suppose.) "You need your space,"he reiterated, and I was glad he understood. Sometimes, the most proactive way in diminishing an issue is to be honest about it. To let the other person know how you feel. Honestly. How can you expect anything to change or get better if you never say what the real problem is? I think we, women have a tough time with that. We expect change, but never express where the changes should be (before it's too late). 

           Then, he disappeared for a day or two. I wanted him to come back that night, but he said he was going out. I couldn't be mad at that. The only reason I was a little pissed off was that I had gone to Whole Foods (in the pouring rain, mind you) so I could get the ingredients to make this (awesome) pizza from scratch that came out fantastic and had even gotten ice cream and a bottle of wine (and bagels for him to eat in the morning) but he wasn't available to take part in all I had done for him. But I didn't go crazy.

            Sunday: Crazier. I called him around 4pm to invite him to church. Ok. Awkward but he'd said he wanted to go & it was Palm Sunday so I extended the invitation. He deaded my call on the second ring. I did the really? look at my phone and set it down with an ...ok. And my mind began to wander. Who was he with? Did he pick someone up at the club? Very possible. He had deaded calls from other girls while he was in the car with me on Friday night. Was I that girl today? Was there someone else watching him ignore the call, happy that she had all his attention? Was I now the other girl? 

This Fucks. Me. Up. 

           No matter how hard I try not to think this way, I do. & sometimes, if I'm lucky, I'm wrong about everything. "Church," he texted me back and you don't quite understand my relief. So much that I was up and ready to take my ass to church ASAP. And I went. & I meditated. & Enjoyed myself, quite honestly. I was at peace with myself and with my... "man". 

          Sunday night: Craiziest. I had to go to Jersey to pick up my tax forms from my sister. He txt me while I was there and asked what I was doing. I gave him the answer. Ask him about his plans... waiting for a response. That response never came. Come 10:30, I gave him a call. I didn't get deaded this time. My call rang through to voicemail. (You know that, "It's 10 o'clock, do you know where your kids are?" commercial? Well, I always think, do you know where your man is?) Now, I  don't know what he was doing. I don't know where he was at. But what I do know is that when he's out with me, he checks his phone. Which leads me to believe that.. well, he checks his phone. But he did txt. At 2:19am with an "I'm drunk." Really? On a Sunday night? Last you told me you didn't really party like that but... ok. On a Sunday?

      There is absolutely no viable reason to completely ignore me. If you're busy, you're busy. You can tell me that. Just txt me. But don't ignore me like I don't exist. I need more respect that that. This reminds me of a conversation I had with Sabrina. I guess she was supposed to hang with this boy once and they made plans but he never called. Now, if me & Sabrina aren't exactly  the same, she might be a little worse (she knows it). The next time he called, she gave him a piece of her mind. While I expected her to flip out and call him names, she calmly told him that she deserves and answer. That it's rude to make plans with someone and then just never call. And she's right. You wouldn't do that to anyone else, why is it okay to do that to the person you're dating? And I'm not exempt. I've done it, too. But I've never done it to him. This in turn makes me want to reevaluate how he really sees me. 

          Reevaluation is scary. Men, you need to avoid this at all costs. Because the minute we have to reconsider how you feel, we begin to notice all your flaws. All the shit you do/did that we didn't call you out for previously. We begin to hurt. We begin to notice. They just add up. I'm currently ignoring his text messages and trying to debate whether or not I want to speak to him because I'm hurting. And as dumb as it sounds, I really am. Its tough when you being to place all your emotion on one person and then they let you down.

          The reason we go crazy is because we feel like fools. We feel like we've invested in you and here you are.. letting us down. What have we done? We've let you in and chances are, you're going to do us as dirty as the last bastard did. Because men say things they don't mean. And they do things with intentions. And women know this all too well because we've probably been there a dozen times. We want you to love us. We want you to think that we are the most beautiful creatures to walk this earth and to let everything else go. We wish you would give yourselves to us the way we give ourselves to you. But men rarely see this. That's why, when you get hurt, you get hurt. When you finally give yourself over to a woman, it'll be too late. She'll have built up a wall by then. And the only way for a wall to come down is crashing. 

          & This is me gone crazy. But crazy, I think, simply means I care too much. Men misconstrue our concern with insanity. They think we're clingy and needy when in reality, it's simply that we care. We cant to know where you are and what you're doing and if you're okay the same way we'd care for a child (it's our maternal instinct). Meanwhile, Men Like Women Who Don't Like Them. I've said it time and time again... & as I write this, I thin I've finally come to a solution. I do nothing. Say nothing. Keep it  moving as usual. He's not mine & I'm not his. In reality, no one belongs to anyone. But there is no reason I should keep tabs on him. This is kind of in line with my post, on Open Relationships.  He can go out and do as he pleases. But somethings will change. I want his phone on silent. I don't want to know that females are calling him. He's gotten too cool with me. In proving that he turns down other girls, he likes to show me the message and pictures they send. I think it's to prove that he can be somewhere else, but he's choosing to be by my side. And while I appreciate that, it's not okay. I shouldn't know. He shouldn't show me. I should be wrapped up in the sanctity of my naive girlish fantasies. I mean... that's fine with me. I think that's what men used to do anyway. They had enough respect for themselves, their families and their women to hide the dirt they did --if they did any at all. 

    So, I'm going to pretend I don't care. That it didn't bother me... wait... no. I'm not going to let it bother me. If this is who he is, if he needs a day or two away from me, I'm going to let him have it. It doesn't mean he doesn't like me. & it doesn mean that he's with someone else. I means that he has a life outside of me and, frankly, that's a good thing. Sometimes, we (women) wish that a man wouldn't exist without us. That he'd die if we aren't in his life.... but truth is, this is the stupidest thought we could have. We have to let the other person continue to live their lives and sort of fit into each other --like puzzle pieces. Neither piece needs to change it's shape. Either it fits or it doesn't. Period. Because the same way a man shouldn't have you waiting by the phone, is the same way you should let yourself wait by the phone. 

Maybe I should respond to his txt now. A 3 hour delay is enough, right? 

[This has been another edition of "I am my own consultant".]

ttyl!