So here's the situation: He fucked up. He doesn't know it, but he did. And you're upset. And you try not to be. Because you don't really want to argue, but that's the only way this is going to happen. You want to tell him how you feel but you don't want to come off as jealous/angry/stupid/insecure/immature or, the all-time favorite, crazy. But its how you feel and as you hold it in, you feel like it's going to kill you. You don't say anything, but it comes through in your every action even if you try not to. You come off one of two ways: Angry or sad. It just depends on what happened. If you're angry, you say nothing because you might just say something you'll regret (which happens most of the time) and nothing inyou wants to hurt his feelings but when a woman feels like being a bitch, a bitch she will be. But if you're sad, you'd rather not say anything because it hurts to talk about it and you're trying to figure out what to say. You don't want to accuse him of anything or make him upset, but there's a thought lingering in your mind that you simply can't shake and it controls your every action.
This blog does a couple of things. First, it allows me to stand on a makeshift, digital pedestal and report the world my overflowing acumen. In other words, I get to pretend to be famous, brilliant and famously brilliant. Secondly, I get to help others. So if I recognize an issue I think should be examined in detail, I can do that for them. When a girlfriend of mine has an issue, I can't help but to think I should blog about that. (I'd like to apologize for that now.) But mostly, it's because it's a thought I have as well. But this way, I can provide a removed insight as I attempt to maintain diplomacy. It's my philanthropic mission: help females (and whoever else needs it) fight the mental struggles rarely addressed. I'm a modern-day philosopher of sorts. The Great Ella? lol.. Seriously though, & most importantly, is that this blog helps me help myself and pretend it's you.
I'm fine, you say. Perhaps to avoid drama. Maybe because you simply want him to baby you and make you feel like he cares about your every emotion -- whether consciously or unconsciously, this is a feeling that simply can't be compared to any other. And sometimes, when you argue, it's the only time you know that he cares. It's when you can see if how you feel affects him. You notice how he reacts and take that as a direct signifier of how he feels. It's undoubtedly correlated so you see no wrong in doing this. Silently you sit, judging him. Having a secret meltdown he's completely unaware of until it builds up and you finally break down. You are not fine. The "I'm Fine" has got to go. It's got to stop. You need to let him know how you feel. I know we're scared that it'll end up badly, but what possibly can go wrong if you just tell him how you feel when you feel it? I'm tired of holding shit in. I can't do it anymore. I don't care what it is. It's not fair for anyone If you address the situation in the moment, you'll both be clear on what just happened. There won't be any "remember when" or "the other day". You should address it as soon as it happens. & there's a way to do it, I think.
Instead of flipping out, you should talk. Think of any situation. Any one. From cheating to him speaking over you. All you should have to say is, "I didn't like that." Slowly and quietly. And I'm sure he'll listen. He'll say "didn't like what?" and you can respond by saying the following:
"I didn't like the when you _______ because it made me feel _________. The reason is __________."
Now, this is assuming you have an adult relationship. If you're a yeller, if he's a yeller, or you both just have a really hard time having normal conversation, my method probably won't work for you. And granted, this might not work for everyone. You have to learn how to have a conversation first. My problem? I don't "yield." I willingly give my point but would rather not give the opposition the chance to rebut. That's not how you have a conversation and that's something I'm personally working on. But I the only reason I have time to work on that is because I took the time to work on actually speaking.
I no longer pretend to be fine. Because if I'm upset, even wrongly so, something is wrong. I shouldn't be upset. Not to say that you won't get upset, I understand people are bound to have disagreements, but I believe that those disagreements need to be hashed out immediately rather than sit and marinate. & This goes for all of the feelings. If you say you forgive someone, you forgive them. The conversation is over and done with. The more you hang onto being upset, the worse it will be for you. Sometimes you really just have to let shit go. Mistakes are made. You've got to understand that.
I am no exception. The reason I'm writing this now is not only for you guys, but for myself as well. Because I reread my own writing. I find my own solutions are the best for me. & perhaps the next time I get into a place where I feel like saying "I'm fine," I'll remember this post and consciously change my actions and hopefully handle the situation in a manner that is beneficial to my relationships. & I mean all relationships: friends, family and fun-partners. I feel like if those people care about you like you care about them, it should be okay for you to be upset about something. It should be okay to have the conversation. Even more so, it should be required to have the conversation as to address anything that might cause a rift in that particular relationship.
I didn't say a word. But the thoughts were running through my head. The thoughts I laid out for you in Relationships: Crisis Management. The truth is, we haven't been seeing each other long, but we've been having fun. But all of a sudden you get the that point where you get upset about things. You try not to, and you feel like you don't even have the right to... but you're human. You have emotions. & anyone who isn't okay with you having emotions about how you interact with them can't possibly care about you. So I've been trying to manage this in a new way. Attempting to find a method that works. I know that every couple fights, but how do the good couples fight? I don't want a throwing-punches relationship. I've been there. I don't want a yelling and no one listening relationship. Had that, too. I also don't want a forgive-me-now-hold-it-against-me-later relationship. That one sucked the most. I want a we-both-actually-care relationship. Wherein my partner allows me the freedom to express every one of my emotional/jealous/intense/crazy/jumped-to-conclusions opinions and handles them accordingly.
I don't know how a guy should respond yet. But my guess at this point is just hear her out. Let her talk. No matter how dumb it is. No matter how wrong she is. Because she might have interpreted a situation wrong or blown it out of proportion, but that doesn't make her pain any less valid. You hurt us without knowing. And sometimes, it's the simplest shit. And while we shouldn't take it so seriously we do. Because it's you. And anything having to do with you is supremely important and all we really want is for you to feel the same about us. Sadly, going "crazy" is how we express our affection. Sorry guys. Oh... but if you don't know what to do, remember this: She's always right. Not because she's right, but because if you like/love her... you should feel like everything in her pretty little world should be right.
Speaking of crazy... the reason I think you should let it out asap is because you actually do drive yourself crazy. You let this idea run around in your head and play with your emotions and stress you out and then you take it out on him and he has no idea why because you won't tell him and you have to see how that must be irritating. And it irritates them. So it's not that he doesn't care about how you feel or that he's being rude... it's that you are being annoying. & I can be really annoying. Think of it this way: If he were out with his friends, his friends wouldn't be sitting around all emotional. Neither would his family. And he'd surely be stress free if her were just chillin home alone. I think this is why guys are never looking for a "girlfriend." Because stress comes with the territory so they try to avoid that for as long as possible. But you both know that if you catch feelings, there's no bypassing the drama. But I'm certain there is a way to limit it. It's okay to get emotional, just don't do the shit all the time. No one wants that all the time. Even your girlfriends will get tired of hearing you talk/complain about the same guy. Luckily, I blog ;)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in order to truly be fine, you have to allow yourself to not be fine. Like... in my trying to employ this logic in my own relationships, I've found myself to be more at peace. I have less on my mind. I'm not bogged down by some "issue". Instead, I'm free to just live. And I don't have a reason to be mad at him for more than a couple minutes. & whenever he leaves, I try to make sure he leaves happy, or at least knowing that I care. That I'll get over it soon. That if I'm upset with him and I want to talk it out, it's not because I hate him and want to argue, rather because I adore him and want to fix this. Ladies, you should never let your man leave the house angry. Someone else might gladly cheer him up. And even if that girl isn't all that great, if even she's second-rate, it's better than being with a pretty girl who does nothing but argue all the time. So if you don't have time to talk and make amends before he leaves, give him a kiss, grab his junk... something. Something to make him smile. & it might make you smile. Better yet, just smile. Give him something to make him look forward to coming back. Because if he leaves angry, and that's the last feeling he has of you, that's the feeling he'll anticipate upon returning. ho in their right mind wants that?
That's all I've got for today. Hope it works for someone. More importantly, I hope it works for me.
xoxox,
Ella
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