Learning to Keep Family First.

         If you don't know how much I love my cousins, you don't know me at all. Sometimes my cousins don't know how much I love them, but they don't know me completely either. People (in general) expect you to be just like them, especially when you're "supposed" to be: if you've shared the same culture, upbringing, etc. The more you have in common on the surface, the more we assume we have in common when it comes to world views, values and methods of thinking. Then, even when we do have the same values, there is a still a chance we'll go about things in different ways. 

             My cousins are my brother. I mean that quite literally. My brother was the eldest of us, being 11 years my senior. My brother was fun. He was respectable, a gentleman, had an amazing smile and could make anyone laugh. I do this thing when I laugh (if I laugh real good) where my tongue rolls... well, I used to. No one can make me laugh like my brother did especially when he would tickle me, hard. My brother was my exact opposite. Me as a guy. I was just him as a girl. When I was 10, I quit ballet and started playing basketball --partially because I liked it better & partially because it was something I could do with my brother. My brother treated me like a princess and he treated whores like whores: Make you feel pretty, but how much do you derseve really? (He loved him a stripper tho lol) He taught me everything I need to know about men and their relation with women. I had a father for 9 months but he passed in a car accident about a half a mile from my house. 1989 was a tough year for my family, but I can't quite remember it. 1993 was worse. There's this little kid's book called, "The Night Dad Went to Jail." They haven't made one about Mom yet, but when a mother leaves the family, it's most likely it falls apart --even if it doesn't and especially if Dad doesn't exist. For two years, I had a mom, a brother and a sister... somewhere. I lived with a stranger in my own home. My best friend was a Black lab. I missed my brother most because he was the one who never wrote...

Ask Ella: Should Women Be Submissive?

 

Question: 
Want to know your insight of being a submissive woman. When and why should a woman be submissive? I'm NOT a for good reasons tho. Talk to me Ella.

 - Miss Fierce & Fancy 

 Hola Miss :)

Happy to help. (You know I love these lol).

      I've been wondering about this "Submissive" thing myself. Getting straight to the point, the reason I wasn't (and kinda still don't want to be) is that this was a characteristic used to describe our White sisters, the same trait that made/makes many Black men choose women of another race over us? Not true? Well, it's the first thing that comes to my mind *shrugs* There are two things I never, EVER want to be: A white girl or a chump. Don't get so offended --I simply love myself that much. I'd never change something about myself that God decided. He gave me beauty wrapped in a difficult box & it's the best thing I've got now that I recognize what I'm made of. It's tough to get to me and through me. My favorite thing about being a Black woman is the inherent fear everyone has of me. I don't need to say anything. Especially if I'm the only Black woman in the conversation, I'm usually, automatically The Boss --even before my brothas. See, everyone is afraid of the Black man except one person - The Black Woman. Sorry to pitch in my pro-Black, *fist up* opinion but Eve was made for and of Adam. If you believe in the idea of a soul mate (click here to read "Does Everyone Get a Soul Mate?"), then the real question, how do you treat your "soul mate?" --No matter your age, race or taste, you give that person all of you.

Dating and Debating

One year ago, I thought...

9.21.11

You see... people do the same things. All of them. Anyone can hold your hand. A kiss is a kiss, it can only get so good --hopefully perfected. Sex is sex at the end of the day --hopefully perfected. Still, it's the feeling that comes along with it. The feeling that you wouldn't trade anything for those fingers, those lips, that touch. It's the mere fact that it's coming from him that illicit orgasms in your heart. And if a man can do that... why deny him? Why fight him. Sometimes... there is little you can control. You can either focus on what the rest of the world considers a "eligible" man, or you can determine the prerequisites on your own. But remember, you're the one who has to love him. Would you love him forever? Would you really? In spite of all he's done? 

       Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in what a person did before you met them, that we fail to see them for who they are. Personally, I'm not interested in the past. I'm sure it had a great affect on who you've become, but who you are in the moment matters most to me. I used to be 18. I used to be 15. I used to be 6... At each of those ages, my life changed drastically and have shaped me... but today, I am who I am. The same goes for my men out there. There are different worlds black people have to travel --and I'm speaking of a particular sector that's influenced not only by color of skin but by socio-ecominic struggles as well. Those worlds range from real, to street, to work to school... they are all world you have to navigate on your own. We all find our way through it in whatever form we're best at. I write. Others steal. Some gamble. Others monopolize. Some employ slave-like labor in international factories. There are many more bad people out there than my man is. He may have committed some sins, but if your God is as great as you think he is, I'm sure he's already forgiven him --or soon will.

Today, I believe...

9.21.12

I try my very hardest to give all men a fair chance. Especially after I wrote All Men are Created Equal. But I never fail to remember that I don't have to make The Exceptions people think I have to.  

Recently spent time getting to know myself by getting to know my mother.  We went to a couple of antique spots and the photo posted here is of some random places at one of the stored. I posted the photo on instagram the other day & new friend of mine asked which one of the 6 listed I preferred. "#7 a man with the integrity of 5 average men combined," I responded. "Good Luck with that now a days..." he posted back, "till then there is always match.com." He's a comedian -_- (literally, tho). Still, I can't ever help but to respond as needed on my  instagram. "Thanks for the good wishes," I wrote back. Invite you to the wedding perhaps." 

If someone isn't everything you need them to be, they let you know that. All you've got to do is listen. If you tell a man what you want, and he argues that it's not possible, it's because he can't do it. Not that this guy was interested in me, but it's precisely the reason why this is a good example. We don't see life the same way, and that is very okay. People say exactly what they mean and are exactly who they are, especially when they don't want to be. So the next time you "try" to find a "soul mate" tell them the truth about how you feel and what you want. If they disagree, they disagree. My last brief dating stint ended, in part, because I'm not sure I have the strength to teach a man to believe in God. *shrugs* It's taken me 24 years to say out loud that I believe. Imagine my trying to convince a grown man what to believe in? Maybe it's not important right when you start dating but... it's until you realize that dating ain't shit but the trail period. If you don't like the trail period, why would you buy the package? If you argue all the time, you argue all the time. If he's a jerk, he's a jerk. Now, whether or not you are willing to put up with those things are one side of the coin. But there are two sides.

"You're always smiling," people like  to comment. I smile my response. People want to see you upset. They want to see if they can make you crumble --whether intentional or not. We're a species built on the theory of "survival of the fittest". You know a weak link  as soon as it shows it's pitiful face. I talk about this all the time, but people doubt me often. Perhaps my small frame is misleading or attractive to emotional bullies. Still, while I know he mean no harm, I couldn't wrap my head around why he'd bring such negative commentary to my positivity. The answer is simple: People like the negative. Negative seems to be easier to relate to.  Fighting the "good" battle is a tough one. I recommend you tune into the 2012 Presidential Debates as a testimony to it.

Prince Charming is out there.  Yep. I still believe :) If he's not, then maybe that reincarnation shit will work (you never know) & I'll be who he needs me to be in my next life. Thing is, if I'm on my shit enough to deserve him, why shouldn't I believe? Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect... buuuut I am. I should be perfect for him and he should be perfect for me. If I know I want red shoes, I'm not going to buy blue ones. I know what I want.
 

If not, fuck shoes. #NixEverything #ShakiraStyle

The 10 Second Stress Limit.

      That's all I can allow. Things have gone much better since I vowed to stop being upset. I understand now that something happened. Something made that girl too upset to function. It's something else that makes her upset at you. It's not you and maybe the issue is that it's not you. You treat the people around you how you want to treat them. So while I embarked on writing this with the intent of semi-apoligizing, I take my half-assed, hal-expressed apology back. 

        I dont regret anything I've done. I stand behind all of the attitudes, all of the arguments, all of the yelling the paintballing, the egg-throwing, the writing all over your mattress and throwing it outside of your house, the bloody lips, the bruises the statement I made about you life and in whose hands it would end because I truly meant it all. I had reason for it all. Perhaps there was anger seething underneath that neither of us could see, but I wasn't there yet. And I needed that. I needed to be the worst person in the world to understand my greatness. I had to pinpoint my weaknesses and work on each of them individually. Now, I am unstoppable. Now, I am the dream. I chase love & labels in the same race. That's two goals on one path; I multitask my ass off. So while I chase the riches I never forget the importance of my heart. The one place I think females go wrong (because I turned down the road once, btu smartened up and retraced my steps) is that we choose one over the other. We think it's money or love. It's a family or an education. It's him or me. In reality, it should be both. And it should be effortless. 

        I need a partner. I've always envied the gay community in that they have "partners" and I don't. I want someone to be my equal so when I allow them leverage, they understand it's all love and not ownership. If I call you daddy, it's not because you own me, but because the title fits. It's not because I should listen to you but because I want to. It's not because you're the head of the household, but because you're fit to be that someday. I need things to run smoothly. I need someone to feel the vibe and not rely on the words. I need someone to be invested 150% and have faith in the decisions I make without them although those would be very few. With that said, we need get along. 

      I don't know what it is about an argument that alleviates stress. It's simply something you need to win. It's a battle you can claim victory over. So when there's nothing left to do, we act on our barbaric nature and wage wars on our neighbors when, if we sat and came to an agreement, we could simply expand the empire keeping both parties' interests at hand. This is what I understand: There is no need to fight. I give myself 10 seconds to be upset and then I force myself to be happy. I challenge myself to think of the real reason I'm upset. Is it even him? Or do I just need attention? Who really pissed me off today Sometimes, you get a good man sitting across the table from you but you're too caught up in your emotions --fighting for his love-- that you push him away instead. You give him the angriest you possible and determine that he should love you no matter what. No, he should love you because. Why make it difficult for him?  Granted, everyone has the right to be upset... so allow yourself 10 seconds. Turn that shit around & get back to business. Sometimes it was nothing, and sometimes you have to make it nothing. All stress and drama does is sidetrack you from the shit you should be doing.  You've got to clear the path before you start down it. 

     Your ultimate goal should be to make one another happy. If he's not making you happy... you need to leave. I'm not sure how to sugar coat that. If you don't, it's your own fault. You know that you should leave. I pray you have the strength to listen to your heart and understand the value of your happiness. But at the same rate, if he's not happy... he has the right to react as well. "If every time I come here, we argue, why would I want to be here," my ex asked (I learned so much in the 2 days we dated smh). He was right. Who wants to stay in a bad situation. & whatever your current engagement is missing, you try to find elsewhere. You no longer look forward to it. Remember when you first started dating and you were nice and you paid attention to everything he said. You read his text messages twice so that you understood them through and through. You let your response sit and wait until you had time to look it over again... all to keep him around. And then you stop. You stop caring. You stop caring that he had a bad day and don't care how he slept last night. You only hit him when you see him tweet someone else and you only call him "baby" on Facebook. You're not who you pretended to be. Actually... you are  who you pretended to be, but for some reason decided not to do that anymore. 

          Maybe it's not your fault. It's almost impossible to keep being nice to someone you don't like. So, I encourage you to reevaluate your situation. Understand why you're upset at him. If you truly do have a reason, calculate how much stress that's bringing into your life that you don't need. Or how much stress you're giving him that he doesn't need. Some relationships just aren't meant to last. For that reason, I take mine very seriously. So serious, I end them as soon as possible. I'm sure many of you have been in a relationship for longer than you needed to. I read through old text messages the other day and realized that my 2 year relationship was more like 1.5 had I paid attention. His responses changed. There was no more love. I should have ended it when the fights first began --as we all should, as I now do. I think that down is a permanent direction. You should plateau at the least. Growth is all you should witness when you're with someone. If we're not growing, not moving, not improving, then --obviously-- this isn't meant to be. Why would I tie  myself into an arrangement that doesn't benefit me?

       Pay attention to love. But also pay attention to stress. The fights are a sign. When you start looking the other way, you begin to head in the wrong direction. Stop pretending you don't see it. Take ownership of your relationships and your happiness. & Pay attention to him. He wants to feel like you just met for the rest of your life. If he loves the person you are now, continue to be that person. Fuck "maturing" and "growing", be yourself. Life moves regardless of what you do and you'll change along without whether you pay attention or not. The important things about you (and the important people around you) will stay the.

     Fuck it. Be happy. Be in love (or on the way there). Stop fighting. Stop stressing him. Quit the attitude. He doesn't always want to fight you. He's not always doing something wrong. And if he is, the better you treat him, the guiltier he'll feel as he commits his sins. You can't change the way the world is towards you but fuck... Karma's a pretty bitch if you take your time & dress her up right.

<3

Ella.