Ask Ella: Should Women Be Submissive?

 

Question: 
Want to know your insight of being a submissive woman. When and why should a woman be submissive? I'm NOT a for good reasons tho. Talk to me Ella.

 - Miss Fierce & Fancy 

 Hola Miss :)

Happy to help. (You know I love these lol).

      I've been wondering about this "Submissive" thing myself. Getting straight to the point, the reason I wasn't (and kinda still don't want to be) is that this was a characteristic used to describe our White sisters, the same trait that made/makes many Black men choose women of another race over us? Not true? Well, it's the first thing that comes to my mind *shrugs* There are two things I never, EVER want to be: A white girl or a chump. Don't get so offended --I simply love myself that much. I'd never change something about myself that God decided. He gave me beauty wrapped in a difficult box & it's the best thing I've got now that I recognize what I'm made of. It's tough to get to me and through me. My favorite thing about being a Black woman is the inherent fear everyone has of me. I don't need to say anything. Especially if I'm the only Black woman in the conversation, I'm usually, automatically The Boss --even before my brothas. See, everyone is afraid of the Black man except one person - The Black Woman. Sorry to pitch in my pro-Black, *fist up* opinion but Eve was made for and of Adam. If you believe in the idea of a soul mate (click here to read "Does Everyone Get a Soul Mate?"), then the real question, how do you treat your "soul mate?" --No matter your age, race or taste, you give that person all of you.

         I do believe that a woman should be submissive to her man. By "Submissive" I mean, let him take the lead as a man should. Even if you have the answer, let him give his first. Even if you know how to do something, allow him to help. In any relationship, people like to feel like they can help their partner out. I believe the issue with women like us --myself included -- is that we are so capable that we don't need help. Additionally, we put on this "I don't need no n*gga show" which leaves us on that very team. If you don't need a man, you don't need one. If you've ever participated (correctly) in a team, you know that there is a leader --who is usually a leader simply by nature -- but a true leader still lets his/her team members add to the job. Good team members allow the head to play the head, but help out in any capacity that they can. A relationship is simply a two-person team. 

         It is a woman's job to differentiate between herself and a man. There are ways you can take control while letting him feel like a boss. Put that man to work. Give him responsibility. Fix shit, reach shit, carry shit. Make him to all the things a man should do so that you both know where you stand. I think we often confuse "be submissive" with "be a woman" --many women forget to be women. The issue is, if a man plays his part --bread-winner, tree house-builder --what he wants is a woman who can play the roles he doesn't have time for --cook, clean, rub his back. You can be as strong as your man where you need to be, but if he wants you to be "submissive" what he's trying to do is find out what his role is supposed to be in your life. The "submission" isn't a curse or a sign of defeat. You've now got another person on your team who can handle shit you don't want to. I caught my finger trying to hammer this... decorative thing onto my wall the other day. I wasn't lonely. I wasn't depressed, but "I need a man," I thought. Cuz I ain't tryina lose no fingers, y'all. 

        The greatest "submission" you can give a man is to be 100000% on his team. When you truly submit to him, it's not so far from the idea to submitting to God (gimme a sec). God doesn't want you to be meek or fearful. He wants you to continue to live your life in a way that would make him proud and honored. When people see you and think about how amazing of a person you are, he wants the reason to be Him. When men see you walking down the street, struttin' everythang your momma tried to hide, your man wants you to represent him. If anyone were to try to sway you, it'd be a futile attempt because you've given yourself completely to him. Once upon a time, this was reinforced by women waiting until marriage to sleep with men --which is still an option. You should be his everything; every part of you. You should be his number one supporter and first go-to person. A man doesn't need you to be weak, he needs you to make him strong.  

Corinthians 7:1-5

         IMPORTANT: I think we need to understand that women shouldn't submit to everyman who crosses her path. That is our most fatal mistake. You cannot submit anything of yourself to just anyone. Sometimes, it's harder to hold off because guys truly do work for it --but for how long. Everyone knows that you have to "earn" things, but once they've got it... they're mission is complete, if that was their mission. Submission goes wrong when we submit to those who don't deserve it. When you give your love to someone who doesn't truly love you, it's like selling yourself into slavery. You'll never feel good about working overtime for that person because they don't show you a reason to do so. There are no benefits --neither physically nor spiritually.

      By submitting to someone in love, that person can stop worrying about love. There is no need to check up, because there is no need to worry. You'd never go anywhere. When a person submits to you, you can be sure of the same. Submitting to someone also provides comfort that may help with stability and comfort in other areas of their lives. The most painful thing about the boyfriend/girlfriend BS is the arguing and the time and... yea... all that other stuff that distracts you during the day when you should be using that time to improve yourself and/or accomplish goals. We all get lonely... but it's harder for some to be alone than others --which is why people jump from relationship to relationship. When you've both submitted to each other, you don't have to deal with all the extraneous pressures of the world. You can find comfort in one another and continue to live your lives, peacefully. And if ever you need to be reminded that someone loves you, you'll know where to turn.

        Submission is big on my mind right now for various reasons. You can take my "relationship advice" for whatever you want --I'm not currently in a relationship. I just want to make sure I understand what a relationship is before I get into my next one. It's like applying for a job, I want to make sure I understand the position before I apply. & you've got to get some schooling before you qualify. Additionally, I haven't been "saved" but as each day passes, I understand it might be the last. If I'm working so hard to make my life on Earth great, I figure it's best to plan for whatever may follow. Being a (spiritually) good person is my most difficult and fulfilling task. While I try to understand what it means to be in love with a man, I want to first understand what it means to love in (what I consider) the purest form --love of God. Love of God, translates to whatever you want it to be. You can give "God" a different name if you chose, simply so you can understand it better. If you believe in nothing you might believe in yourself. Seeing how we were all made in His image, I consider it just as valid.

     Each of us was given free will (I'm no here to argue that, please take it as a given). As you go by your day-to-day life, you need to decide what your purpose is. Hopefully, your purpose is more than sex. Hopefully your relationships are more than who's paying the bills. Our bodies are just physical matter created to house our souls --you need to treat it as such. The body wants. We yearn to give of ourselves because, lets be honest, nothing feels like sex. But nothing feels like love. If you can submit to yourself --respecting your desires, your dreams, your goals, your body --you can learn to transfer this respect onto another person. The key is to make sure that person loves you the way you love yourself. If you love them the same, there will be no fear in giving yourself to them. If you believe in God, and completely submit to Him, all of your worries go away. He brings peace because you know that he would never harm you unless it were for your own good. Same should go for your man. If you're afraid of submitting to him, there may be a reason --one you need to listen to. If you do not trust someone enough to submit to them, you don't trust them. Your unwillingness is the truth. You  shouldn't have to force yourself to be a "submissive woman". You should want to submit to your man because he deserves  it --because there is no other man for you and if you were to give him your eyelashes he'd know how to care for them.  You don't need to have a conversation about if he "likes" a submissive woman. Everyone likes to be chosen, to be loved, to be given to. The best submission is one that is deserved, without requirement and given without hesitation. Allow yourself to love. When you find a man you want to submit to... it'll be impossible not to and this conversation will have been nullified. 

Buena suerte. & let someone care for you. You deserve it.

ELLA <3