Dating Expectations

When's the last time you went on a legit date?

        Just read this article on NYTimes.com entitled, "The End of Courtship," in which the author, Alex Williams, writes that there is almost no such thing as dating anymore. Once upon a time, a guy would call a girl and ask her if he could pick her up at a reasonable hour and take her somewhere impressive. Nowadays, guys might invite you out for a drink where he's already invited two or three other girls. Alex's article claims that it's due to our generation's "hook up" culture. I say, it has more to do with the fact that most people don't really deserve sh*t and the rest of them don't expect it.

          Fact of the matter is, if you don't expect a date, a guy won't give it to you. Times is tough. Not only do most of these fools lack proper instructions on how to treat a lady, they also lack proper funds to afford one. "You can't afford a girlfriend," I've said too many times and bruised too many hearts. On November 3rd. 2011 I answered an Ask Ella post for "How Do I Get Real Dates?" and my opinion remains. The only way to get dates is to expect them. The reason, I believe, women don't get as many dates as they once did is simple: most women don't deserve dates. "Even in an era of ingrained ambivalence about gender roles, however, some women keep the old dating traditions alive by refusing to accept anything less," wrote Williams & I say I've got to agree.

Upgrade Your Relationships

One year ago, I thought...

9.19.12

It'd have all be fine if he'd have just put it on me this morning. It was all I wanted, really. And the little bit of mouth-love that was promised to me last night. & there's nothing I hate worse than someone who can't keep a promise.

"You're acting like a bitch," was what I wanted to say, but it was 9am and World War IV will have to hold off until another day. World War 3 was a bloody battle and I'm not sure either of us has fully recovered. The Neosporin I have to rub on his chest (and back) daily is my main evidence. But I was pissed off. For every reason. First and foremost, I wanted head. And I still do, but I wanted it before my "lady" time comes and I'm sure tonight will be too late. Then, I had to figure out what to have for lunch today before there wasn't any meat left over from dinner last night. I'd have had a porkchop but I wanted my babe to be full and gave him the other piece. I had planned to get up and sear some steak... but there's only so much a girl can do in the AM. I was so hot & bothered having gotten a "no" I took a 30 minute shower which greatly cut into my getting ready time. And since I usually wake him up for breakfast (of which there was none, today) he was still sleeping at 9AM --when I had to leave the house. "I gotta go," I spoke loudly to wake him to which he responded groggily, "What's with the fucking attitude?" I responded only by placing my hands on my hips, tilting my head and raising my eyebrows. he should know by now that  I don't verbally respond to anything I consider bullshit. 

I'd have left him in my place, comfortable & sleeping... but I'm not there yet. Not to mention, I have a roommate who'd see him head out later and I simply would rather he leave (6am like a considerate nobody would have done.) On one hand, I should have left him there to sleep and get his rest. There's really no reason for him to get up at 8:30am when he doesn't have to. And if I had my own place, I'd gladly let him stay. I hate to disturb him when he's finally resting (I mean, he is my baby). But on the other hand, it's not my own place. And it's not his. And he knew the arrangement before this all started. He's come in and tried to change everything else --granted I've allowed him the room to do so --but there are some things I simply cannot make exceptions for. 

We had it. For a little while, after we got into our last argument, we had it. Every issue we had with one another was addressed clearly. Quickly. Calmly.  When things change from the way they used to be...you need to address it the first instance you can. If you continue to put up with something, it's safe for the other person to assume you're okay with it. I've decided I can't. I can't put up with certain things. And it's not because I want to be a bitch... it's simply shit that irks me to my core like... broken promises.

I guess it's not all that bad. He speaks tough. It's a side effect from his persona. Had I never left the hood I might find it attractive. Now, I simply find his abrasiveness charming. He's my stray dog. Seems to me I've picked him up off the streets. I can only expect from him to pee on the carpet and chew up some shoes. In my best interest, I keep my shoes up high and rub his face in the messes he makes. He'll learn. If he likes a warm bed and a meal everyday... he'll understand where home is. A dog roams, I've been told. I never thought I could handle it though. And in the moments when I thought I could, I couldn't. But now I understand that if I need my space, so does he. It's not out of any feeling in particular more than curiosity or a longing for something new. Just some entertainment. Perhaps a change of pace. I know the reason behind it all. I know that he doesn't feel like being uptight all the time. 

Today I think...

9.19.12

Damned fool. That's what we both were. See what happens when you try to allow idiocy. "Part of his persona"? Absolutely. He was a d*ck to say the very least. But a decent person at the least. My problem is, I see the good in people far too often. I also try to convince myself to be ready for things when I'm not. More so, it's worse that I try to make them ready for it when they're not. He was staying with me in this one bedroom when he should have had a place of his own. Perhaps that's not something I can hold against a man but... I might not be dating until a person has what I have or better. I can't continue to foster relationships with boys trying to be men because I'm fascinated with helping them. They're not my responsibility. As CJ said the other day, I didn't lay down and have no kids. 

But how can we not be concerned? How can you involve yourself with someone and feel no emotion? Contrary to popular belief, I'm not as cold as I seem. I'm also not as dumb as I seem. Secretly, this is the shit a lot of us do to ourselves but are afraid to admit. I fall in love because I love it. I can love anyone at any moment for anything. But it doesn't take me long to wisen up. I read my horoscope last night. Said that this Saturn is finally getting the f*ck out my system. The turmoil --which also brought great teaching-- is coming to an end and my light is getting brighter.

The reason I write all this down is so that I remember not to do it again. Too many times, we end up dating the same-ass nigga because we fail to see how much is like the others. Granted we all have a "type," but that outfit isn't all there is. When a relationship of yours comes to a close, I recommend you take the time to understand what exactly went wrong so that you can address that in your next trail. The same goes for all relationships --family, friends, etc. This isn't to say you won't come across new hurdles and new struggles, but it's a total waste of time to keep dealing with the same bullshit.

Always make sure the next one is an upgrade.

Crazy Talk

Cuz I don't understand how your love can do what no one else can.  Beyonce - "Crazy in love"      

          When you grow up, you realize how immature you were. And how your initial thoughts are the most base ones you have. And how overtime, they'll continue to form until the actually make sense. I grow up all the time. Today, for example. Whenever I'm upset, my initial feelings are always about myself. How I feel in the moment. How fucked up the current situation is for me. Everyone else is the enemy, I promise you. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I believe that I have the right to feel something. And however it comes out first is how I was feeling at the moment. But have you ever stepped back from a situation and reevaluated everything you stood for  a couple of days, hours, minutes ago? Then it all sounds so stupid. It was all so pointless. So many emotions reacting with one another producing unpredictable, uncontrollable results. This is what it's like to be a woman. We are insane. 

     No one did anything to me. Someone told me that once. I was probably yelling about something or other and I don't even remember who it was (I was once a big yeller) but I remember someone telling me that no one is doing anything to me. No one was hurting me. No one was out to get me --especially not him. I try not to think about men so much. I try to not concern myself with where he is and what he's doing and who he's with --because eventually, you've started envisioning him in places he shouldn't be doing thing he shouldn't do and... you drive yourself insane. You've quietly put together a scenario to play through your head as if desired and if you're not strong enough, those thoughts will  begin to control you. You get nervous. You get anxious. You being to think about reasons why he might be somewhere else. You give him license. And as you slowly lose your sanity you show him your ugliest face: the needy, controlling version of you. But you promise that's not you, that's not the person you are. I mean you were. But you're not anymore. I mean you are... but what's so wrong with that? What so wrong with wanting more? When you get to that last thought... and agree with it, you've officially lost your mind. 

         I'm learning to relax. I'm doing well so far. I'm trying to empty my head of the thoughts in it. Somehow I've written about a topic I aimed to avoid. I began this piece trying to semi-apologize about my last post, but I don't care enough about it anymore now that my insanity has taken a hold of me. 

Fuck. I dont like boys. 

I love 'em, though. That's the problem.

          Men have such a great importance in a woman's life. So much so that I was hating on a girl I don't even know (and I'm a fantastic hater when I want to be, thank you) because I'm all alone and she's not. Sheesh. What a loser. What's my issue? lol.. but I mean, really. I needed to know. Part of me just wanted to prove that I'm a good woman, too. That the fact that my ring finger is bare means nothing. That I'm perfect for someone, too. Exactly as I am. Flaws and all.  As a grown woman... I'm ready and willing to admit that I was a little bit jealous. And I'm trying to understand why. I think... we all want to be chosen. And that is kind of what marriage means. Actually... I think I'm on to marriage because boyfriend sounds so... stupid to me. Like... I don't want a boyfriend. I want a man. It's a tough place to be in because you don't want to feel like you're giving yourself to someone who isn't committed to you, yet... calling someone your "boyfriend" doesn't make him faithful. You want to know. You want to be sure. But... if you're not sure from the beginning, you never will be. (And you should probably quit while you still can.) I don't want to fight for someone's trust, I want them to just trust me. I don't want to have to wait for him to prove himself I want him to already be who he needs to be. I don't want the stupid beginings. I don't feel like playing hard to get and figuring out if I like you, I want to like you. Immediately. I want to be excited by the thought of you. I want to feel something. 

     Do men have these problems? I don't think they do. Men don't care who thinks what about them.  Maybe there's one or two guys out there who get jealous of their married friends but probably only because the wife is hot.  They don't go home and reminisce about the day and who wronged them. The only people who can do this to them is women. We drive them insane so they're just like us. The things a man will do for a woman if he loves her... I wonder. My diluted-jealousy only lasted but so long. I  can only hate on a girl for a short period of time for two reasons: 1. Her's ain't for me. She doesn't have the one I want. Of that, I'm sure. So it doesn't phase me. (This is where crazy calms down.) You can only envy what another has to a certain extent. It's one thing to want something like that for yourself evetually, and another to want that exact thing at that very moment. The correct way to approach the feeling is to know that, one day, you'll have something better than that. And it will be better because it will be yours. Your time will come. & mine, too. 2. I'm not a lesbian. It makes me uncomfortable to think about another woman for too long. I have no reason to. 

      I'm around too many older women and wedding dresses & its detrimental to my mental health. My mom works in a bridal shop. My office (full of women 30+) is bling central. I work in the garment district so it flooded with nothing but lace and dress shops. It comes to a point where you have to accept that your time will be your time. When you do, everything slows down. Your heart stops betting so fast. You can taste the air you inhale. Your fingers loosen. Your shoulders drop. When you accept it, you can relax. I get crazy spells every once in a while but I'm learning to talk myself out of them. It's just the the world puts so much pressure on a girl. I need to be perfect. Perfect height, perfect skin tone, perfect track record, perfect taste, perfect wardrobe, perfect toes, perfect abs, perfect ass, perfect shade of lipstick, perfect morals, perfect hair, perfect... everything. And if your man doesn't admit  that he wants perfect... he still does. Wouldn't it be perfect to be perfect? At least perfect for him? To be everything he wants? So that he'll never have to or want to look elsewhere? 

      But you know what would be perfect? If I can be perfect just being me. That 5'2 (and a half) is exactly what he dreamed of. That he likes his ladies to look like coffee with a splash of cream. #BrownSugar. #InTheRaw. And that he can accept my toes and my wearing heels 6 days a week. That would be perfect.  If I could just be me and to know that at any given moment he'd think I'm beautiful. The freedom not give a damn where he is and what he's doing because he knows where home is because he'd be insane to leave me and crazy about me. 

And it will be perfect. 

I just exhaled for the first time in weeks. 

Fuck. 

"Like" That.

I'ma pimp him. It's over, man. - Jay-Z Is That Yo Chick.

       This is why I didn't want him to be my Facebook friend. We broke up. & it was initially about money. So he posted his status as shown above.  I saw it. So, I liked the muthafucka. Not because I was upset, rather, because I agreed. Why am I worried about him when I should be out making money? Or something like that. However I understood at that moment, I liked it. So I clicked it. Like a regular "friend" right? Wrong. Women tell themselves this because we're "always right" when in reality I should have just left him alone. A mature woman would have left him alone. But... this is the experience in which I learned. It won't happen again. Since then, he won't stay off my wall. I went out with my sister & co. the other night & did what any normal person does when they get home, they update the internet about how much more awesome their life is in comparison to these digital "friends." 

        "Fantastic night <3," I posted. The next day, he blessed me with a "You ain't do shit," Comment underneath. Three of them. IDK how it showed up three times but it did. So I commented back. I went on about how glamorous my night was partying at the W and walking around times square with 6-inch heels on wearing blood red-lipstick inspired by Lanvin's Spring 2011 collection. I also told him about how I met a sweet boy who goes by the name "Fly" and walked me all the way home that night. Then I remembered that I want nothing to do with him. 

       If you don't want a guy to talk to you, don't talk to him. I've ignored his texts thus far. & it seems like he's gotten the hint until I liked his bitch-ass status. So 53 minutes after I responded to his comment (oh, I also told him to refrain from vulgarity on my page) I deleted my comments along with his. My page was now Piss Boy free. I  don't want any trace of a conversation between us. But he presses on. After I deleted his comments, he posted again. Either he wanted to be a dick and try to play me like I wasn't enjoying myself, or he's really thirsty for my attention. I don't want to encourage him to keep speaking to me. In fact, I want to discourage him. Sometimes, we keep men in the rotation simply to avoid being alone. But you can't control how you feel about them. We end up treating these guys like trash and just bringing them along for the ride. We ruin them. You know when a man is no longer meant for you. When nothing good will come of it. But you selfishly keep him anyway. And really it's not just the woman's fault. Guys, you let  us do it. You keep calling. Keep begging for shitty treatment. When we're with you, we can do whatever we want. Say whatever we want. If we're lucky, we can have whatever we want. That is why we abuse you: because we can. 

       Having me around wouldn't be healthy for him. Now, I could find a way to get some red on the bottoms of my shoes (as its the ultimate goal for the cold-hearted woman) but I actually liked him a tad. If left to my own devices, I would abuse him. Because I can. Because I have. It's easy, really. I know what to say when and how to say it. So anything I've said for him to get upset at his been either on purpose or out of plain "Don't give a fuck." Either way, it's not good for him. And I really shouldn't take advantage of men like that. It is  wrong. Still, some men want to be abused. If he reads this and still wants to take me out, I can do so with a clear conscience. I'm not hiding the fact that I like to be taken out and bought things. Everyone wants those things. Most girls hide it. Most girls are too afraid to admit that a pair of shoes can make them happy. But let's be real, they do. When I get home, I change into a pair of shoes I can't wear to work. So I can feel pretty. That's what I like. The shit makes me happy and I only do shit which will make me happy.  I was honest with him. And he didn't like that. 

      Sadly, I didn't love him. I would manufacture ways in my mind for us to work out... but should one really force love? He read my blog once and said he felt like he was just around till You came back. & he's right. I'm not exactly thrilled about it... but he's right. There's nothing I can do about where my heart is (even and especially if it's in a dumb place). So until the day when I get exactly who I want: 

 I don't love 'em, I abuse them. & I don't miss them when I lose them. 

At least I'm strong enough to admit it. 

(If this was Facebook, you'd "Like" that shit. lol. Matter fact, you should post this blog on your Facebook. Muchas gracias!!)

 At the end of the day, though, he pee'd in my cups. You can't come back from that. 

My Little Boy[Friend]

     Fully employed, he says. Salaried, he adds on. Even has health insurance so we can go get checked up together. Spends so much cash & time I almost forgot he lives with his momma. Not to mention, he waits on women to buy his clothes & shoes & dress him. To top it off, he pee's in cups when no one is looking. 

    Maybe it's because he's a nurse. Maybe he's used to seeing piss sit around. But everything in me wanted to hold him by his neck and rub his face in it. What the fuck is wrong with you? I wanted to asked  through clenched teeth. But I at there. Looking at the cups. Fill of piss. Earlier that night, I had woken up and say them there. I wondered why they were full. I had just bought a brand new bottle of Apple juice so I thought to myself, I know this nigga didn't pour two full cups of apple juice. When we officially woke up, and I asked him, "What is that?" he readily answered the question.

"I had to piss," he said laughing.

"You couldn't use the bathroom?"

"There was someone in there."

"And you couldn't wait?"

"I had to piss."

"So you pee'd in my cups?"

"I had to piss."

"And you left the shit there for me to wake up to? For me wake up to piss in my cups? Why would you pee in my cups?" I was trying to be nice. I needed to know. "I don't know," he said. Which is the stupidest shit a grown man could say. What the fuck do you mean 'you don't know'. That's something a little kid says. "Why'd you jump off that tree, Billy." "I don't know, mom." That I can expect. But then you can ground the kid. Put him on timeout.  Maybe even smack  'em up a little if you're into that (I encourage discipline, not abuse). Here was this grown as man behaving like a child. I had no choice but to treat him like one. 

"Empty that shit out. I can't have piss on my desk." He got up and tired to balance the pissy cups to the bathroom sinks. 

"In the kitchen. Under the sink. There's a bottle of Fantastic. You gotta clean that shit up."He did as told. Came back carelessly spraying it every which way. 

     "Be careful that's bleach," I barked at him. Listen. I wasn't playing anymore. I didn't want to be nice anymore. I needed to disinfect everything. I'm telling you. I even had to buy new cups. I couldn't look at the cups as they sat in the sink. It was mean, but it was deserved. He told me once before that I tend to talk down to people --and for good fuckin reason. When I don't, they urinate in my dish-ware. 

       What the fuck is wrong with him? No like... seriously. What kind of person pee's in somebody's cups? & not just somebody, a girl he's dating. & we just started  dating. Is this what happens when you become a guy's girlfriend. Watchout. This brotha needs to be put on a "DO NOT BRING HOME" list. I needed to know: How could this happen? What could posses him? I couldn't wrap my head around it. & when I told my cousin about it, she couldn't stop pointing out places he could have pee'd instead. The Pinesol bottle, she proposed. How about the window? I asked her. I have 3 and they all open. What's next? Shit on my plates? 

       "I want you to tell your mother what you did," I told him. He took it as a joke, but I was serious. I needed someone to be as upset at him as I was. As ashamed and disgusted. As embarrassed and appalled. He came back & said she just looked at him like he was crazy. That's it? She didn't say anything? She had no thoughts about how maybe she might have raised you better? Or is she aware that she didn't? Is this okay to her?  Or is this shit you do all the time? What kind of man are you? What kind of woman is she? This is when I realized that not only do I not want anything to do with him, I don't want anything to do with her either. Mothers matter, man. They matter more than you realize. And from this revelation, I noticed something else... I couldn't ever be parents with him.

In layman's terms, I don't want his babies. 

NEXT POST: Not My Baby Daddy

When the Piss Fills the Cup.

        

Picture cred: http://thedeafsage.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/shit-hits-the-fan.jpg?w=300&h=121

      A lot of shit has happened. Mainly, I'm single again. I was in a relationship for approximately 3 days last week & I'm excited to tell you all about it. If you've read my blog before, you know that 3 days of excitement leaves a month worth of posts, and I assure you, there is much to follow. 

    Truth be told, I don't want to be alone. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing. Is it wrong to want one person to yourself? Or should I say, "Fuck the world. I don't need anyone." Or do I need more than just one and fuck the whole world? I'm sure you know which route I chose. I didn't want to be one the side. I never do. & I always follow my own rules (Rule #1, Never be #2). Funny thing about that post is... that same guy ended up being my boyfriend (lol... he cant really count, tho). In retrospect, I should have guessed this wouldn't end well, but I'm a sucker for boys with degrees on their walls, business cards in their wallets and money in the bank. And he certainly put in his all to make me feel like #1. 

    He wasn't terrible. Actually, he was super sweet. He was fun. Had a pretty smile. Took charge. Held his own like a man and made me feel like his lady. He dealt with my attitude (most of time & believe me, that's a skill) like most others pretend to. He did a lot. Took me out when I wanted. Bought me Fudge Striped cookies for my late night munchies and had an L rolled every morning. But over all, I think I wore him out. More so, I think he wasn't used to someone like me --someone used to men like him. 

     Here's what "happened" according to him. Someway, somehow, I blurted out how I wouldn't date him if he didn't take me out. He got "upset" and didn't want to talk anymore. He went on about how that was a fucked up statement to make blah blah... 

"Don't fuck with me then," I told him simply. 

"I won't. I don't," He responded.

Click, went my phone. 

Then... he texted me this, verbatim: 

"I remember I bought those shoes for you and I thought you were going to return the gesture to make an impression on me that you care about how I look but your too willing to not do anything for me but cook a meal that I NEVER ask for."

LMFAO. Then I reminded him those shoes were for my birthday. Why would I "return the gesture" when your birthday isn't until.. ummm.. December-ish? I told him those home cooked meals don't buy themselves. That spinach omelet didn't make itself. & that frozen french toast didn't toast itself! That's why I don't cook for niggas forreal. lmao. Ungrateful bastards! Oh.. & check this [excuse me, because I think this is all hilarious. I feel like..... I THINK I NEED A BARBEEERRR. NONE OF THIS NIGGAS CAN FADE MEEEE. lmao.]

"oh well, I get you a birthday gift and you think you deserved it? I barely knew [you] but I knew I liked you so I wanted to do something nice for you. You don't do anything for me besides make me food I DON'T ask for."

Fuck. He hates  my food. lol. Well... hey, I do, too. That's why I like to be taken out to eat :)

     I'm not sure why he wanted to spend money on me. That's his problem, though. Sometimes I felt like it was because he wanted to. Other times, I didn't think much of it, I simply assumed he understood his role as a man. Eventually though, there were requests for other things only certain women get paid for. I tried to be good him. & since I couldn't return the favor in the way he asked, I decided I'd get on my game and become a woman for him. You know.. the whole cook, clean, laundry thing. But apparently, that wasn't enough. I thought that's what he wanted. I thought he'd appreciate it. Nope. I didn't expect it to happen this way. I didn't expect him to ask me to buy him things and spend money on him. That was the last thing I expected. Truthfully, I figured maybe he wanted more head. (lol) But, I'm more of a man than he is, obviously. 

    But in any "breakup", there's the reason you break up and the real reason you break up. Because, in any break up, there's one person who wants more, and the other has to decide its done. This time around, it's me. & I'm only saying that because I know I can have him back if I want him. How do I know? Because he left his watch at my place. So he's been texting me for it... but the "goodnight" text message that accompanied shouldn't have been sent. Never mind his posting on my wall. 

THE REAL REASONS
The list below are both the reasons why it didn't work and why I'll never go back.  
I'll eventually link them to posts explaining each. Give me some time ;) 



1.  He doesn't want to take me out to eat anymore. & when a man complains about spending money, it's because he has way less that he makes out. & I'm not here to hear about his financial issues. I have my own. Sorry, I'm not a "ride or die". I work hard & survive. I don't have time to monitor someone else's financials. That's what an accountant is for.

2. He expects me to buy him things. For that, I'll either date a hot chick or have a kid.
 He's not my son to raise.

3. His Penis. (You'll want to read this one.)

4. He's not the man I want.

5. I can abuse him too easily.

6. He's not famous.

7.  He pee'd in my cups.
(Yep. Piss. In my drinking glasses.)
& There's no coming back from that.
The icing on the fucking cake, huh? 

Stay Tuned, y'all. My life; your entertainment. 

She's So Fine.

    

       

          So here's the situation: He fucked up. He doesn't know it, but he did. And you're upset. And you try not to be. Because you don't really want to argue, but that's the only way this is going to happen. You want to tell him how you feel but you don't want to come off as jealous/angry/stupid/insecure/immature or, the all-time favorite, crazy. But its how you feel and as you hold it in, you feel like it's going to kill you. You don't say anything, but it comes through in your every action even if you try not to. You come off one of two ways: Angry or sad. It just depends on what happened. If you're angry, you say nothing because you might just say something you'll regret (which happens most of the time) and nothing inyou wants to hurt his feelings but when a woman feels like being a bitch, a bitch she will be. But if you're sad, you'd rather not say anything because it hurts to talk about it and you're trying to figure out what to say. You don't want to accuse him of anything or make him upset, but there's a thought lingering in your mind that you simply can't shake and it controls your every action. 

        This blog does a couple of things. First, it allows me to stand on a makeshift, digital pedestal and report the world my overflowing acumen. In other words, I get to pretend to be famous, brilliant and famously brilliant. Secondly, I get to help others. So if I recognize an issue I think should be examined in detail, I can do that for them. When a girlfriend of mine has an issue, I can't help but to think I should blog about that. (I'd like to apologize for that now.) But mostly, it's because it's a thought I have as well. But this way, I can provide a removed insight as I attempt to maintain diplomacy. It's my philanthropic mission: help females (and whoever else needs it) fight the mental struggles rarely addressed. I'm a modern-day philosopher of sorts. The Great Ella? lol.. Seriously though, & most importantly, is that this blog helps me help myself and pretend it's you. 

         I'm fine, you say. Perhaps to avoid drama. Maybe because you simply want him to baby you and make you feel like he cares about your every emotion -- whether consciously or unconsciously, this is a feeling that simply can't be compared to any other. And sometimes, when you argue, it's the only time you know that he cares. It's when you can see if how you feel affects him. You notice how he reacts and take that as a direct signifier of how he feels. It's undoubtedly correlated so you see no wrong in doing this. Silently you sit, judging him. Having a secret meltdown he's completely unaware of until it builds up and you finally break down. You are not fine. The "I'm Fine" has got to go. It's got to stop. You need to let him know how you feel. I know we're scared that it'll end up badly, but what possibly can go wrong if you just tell him how you feel when you feel it? I'm tired of holding shit in. I can't do it anymore. I don't care what it is. It's not fair for anyone If you address the situation in the moment, you'll both be clear on what just happened. There won't be any "remember when" or "the other day". You should address it as soon as it happens. & there's a way to do it, I think. 

       Instead of flipping out, you should talk. Think of any situation. Any one. From cheating to him speaking over you. All you should have to say is, "I didn't like that." Slowly and quietly. And I'm sure he'll listen. He'll say "didn't like what?" and you can respond by saying the following:

"I didn't like the when you _______ because it made me feel _________. The reason is __________."  

     Now, this is assuming you have an adult relationship. If you're a yeller, if he's a yeller, or you both just have a really hard time having normal conversation, my method probably won't work for you. And granted, this might not work for everyone. You have to learn how to have a conversation first. My problem? I don't "yield." I willingly give my point but would rather not give the opposition the chance to rebut. That's not how you have a conversation and that's something I'm personally working on. But I the only reason I have time to work on that is because I took the time to work on actually speaking.

        I no longer pretend to be fine. Because if I'm upset, even wrongly so,  something is wrong. I shouldn't be upset. Not to say that you won't get upset, I understand people are bound to have disagreements, but I believe that those disagreements need to be hashed out immediately rather than sit and marinate. & This goes for all of the feelings. If you say you forgive someone, you forgive them. The conversation is over and done with. The more you hang onto being upset, the worse it will be for you. Sometimes you really just have to let shit go. Mistakes are made. You've got to understand that. 

        I am no exception. The reason I'm writing this now is not only for you guys, but for myself as well. Because I reread my own writing. I find my own solutions are the best for me. & perhaps the next time I get into a place where I feel like saying "I'm fine," I'll remember this post and consciously change my actions and hopefully handle the situation in a manner that is beneficial to my relationships. & I mean all relationships: friends, family and fun-partners. I feel like if those people care about you like you care about them, it should be okay for you to be upset about something. It should be okay to have the conversation. Even more so, it should be required to have the conversation as to address anything that might cause a rift in that particular relationship. 

       I didn't say a word. But the thoughts were running through my head. The thoughts I laid out for you in Relationships: Crisis Management. The truth is, we haven't been seeing each other long, but we've been having fun. But all of a sudden you get the that point where you get upset about things. You try not to, and you feel like you don't even have the right to... but you're human. You have emotions. & anyone who isn't okay with you having emotions about how you interact with them can't possibly care about you. So I've been trying to manage this in a new way. Attempting to find a method that works. I know that every couple fights, but how do the good couples fight? I don't want a throwing-punches relationship. I've been there. I don't want a yelling and no one listening relationship. Had that, too. I also don't want a forgive-me-now-hold-it-against-me-later relationship. That one sucked the most. I want a we-both-actually-care relationship. Wherein my partner allows me the freedom to express every one of my emotional/jealous/intense/crazy/jumped-to-conclusions opinions and handles them accordingly. 

       I don't know how a guy should respond yet. But my guess at this point is just hear her out. Let her talk. No matter how dumb it is. No matter how wrong she is. Because she might have interpreted a situation wrong or blown it out of proportion, but that doesn't make her pain any less valid. You hurt us without knowing. And sometimes, it's the simplest shit. And while we shouldn't take it so seriously we do. Because it's you. And anything having to do with you is supremely important and all we really want is for you to feel the same about us. Sadly, going "crazy" is how we express our affection. Sorry guys. Oh... but if you don't know what to do, remember this: She's always right. Not because she's right, but because if you like/love her... you should feel like everything in her pretty little world should be right. 

     Speaking of crazy... the reason I think you should let it out asap is because you actually do drive yourself crazy. You let this idea run around in your head and play with your emotions and stress you out and then you take it out on him and he has no idea why because you won't tell him and you have to see how that must be irritating. And it irritates them. So it's not that he doesn't care about how you feel or that he's being rude... it's that you are being annoying. & I can be really annoying. Think of it this way: If he were out with his friends, his friends wouldn't be sitting around all emotional. Neither would his family. And he'd surely be stress free if her were just chillin home alone. I think this is why guys are never looking for a "girlfriend." Because stress comes with the territory so they try to avoid that for as long as possible. But you both know that if you catch feelings, there's no bypassing the drama. But I'm certain there is a way to limit it. It's okay to get emotional, just don't do the shit all the time. No one wants that all the time. Even your girlfriends will get tired of hearing you talk/complain about the same guy. Luckily, I blog ;) 

      I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in order to truly be fine, you have to allow yourself to not be fine. Like... in my trying to employ this logic in my own relationships, I've found myself to be more at peace. I have less on my mind. I'm not bogged down by some "issue". Instead, I'm free to just live. And I don't have a reason to be mad at him for more than a couple minutes. & whenever he leaves, I try to make sure he leaves happy, or at least knowing that I care. That I'll get over it soon. That if I'm upset with him and I want to talk it out, it's not because I hate him and want to argue, rather because I adore him and want to fix this. Ladies, you should never let your man leave the house angry. Someone else might gladly cheer him up. And even if that girl isn't all that great, if even she's second-rate,  it's better than being with a pretty girl who does nothing but argue all the time. So if you don't have time to talk and make amends before he leaves, give him a kiss, grab his junk... something. Something to make him smile. & it might make you smile. Better yet, just smile. Give him something to make him look forward to coming back. Because if he leaves angry, and that's the last feeling he has of you, that's the feeling he'll anticipate upon returning. ho in their right mind wants that? 

      That's all I've got for today. Hope it works for someone. More importantly, I hope it works for me. 

xoxox, 

Ella 

Ask Ella: Should I Stop Tweeting?

      

            I've got a friend (now) named Mr. Hip. & when I say friend, I mean it. There a select few I've chosen to share my life with and even less whose issues I'm interested in return. The problem with him is, he's a friendly guy. And truly so. If you're friend's with Mr. Hip, you know it.  He will go the extra mile for you... and then a mile more. I always wondered how his girlfriends faired with him since he is naturally and jokingly flirtatious. But in all honesty, that wasn't much of my concern because he and I had a true friendship. Perhaps my truest. When we first started hanging out, I limited it all, unsure of it he wanted more. But he truly is a good time and a "comrade"in all senses of the word. The other day, he texted me something about Twitter and his girlfriend being upset. Something about me, maybe? Regardless of the specifics, it was all the same. Even Joey, in his interview with Power 105.1, talks about having arguments with Esther over something on Twitter. It happens to the best and worst of people in all circles. Jealousy is... it's there. And it's hard to get passed no matter how grand your apparent confidence, & especially when your level of celebrity is heightened. There's another thing --Mr. Hip knows everyone. He really does. If it weren't for Mr. Hip, I wouldn't have 70% of the friends I have now. He's a terrific judge of character. I've never disliked anyone he introduced me to. & I've never disliked any of his girlfriends. So, since Im his friend, I try to help him out if I can. & t's a lot easier to comment on relationship issues when you're removed from it. It makes is "not my problem." 

      So... his girlfriend gets mad. & I understand that. I would, too. I wrote "Internet Dating" with that in mind but certainly from a different perspective. Right now, I'm  the one with more going on online than my partner. So if anyone were to be upset, it'd be him. Now, no disrespect to the girlfriend, but there's no way she knows as many people as Mr. Hip does. So she has the fight the battle from the opposite end. But before I could respond to Mr. Hip on his situation, I had to see how mine played out. "I'm never looking at that shit again. Ever." He said it himself. I don't know how much of the blog he read but according to him, he "went in that one day." Poor guy. He was probably exposed to way more than he had bargained for but it was out there. & there was a slight benefit to it. He got to see me removed from him. He was able to sort of...observe me. To watch me in my natural environment. & Mr. Hip, that's what your girlfriend has gone & done. 

      Here's how it goes: You connect with him on every social media. You check his profile. You find out who every person is in every picture with him. You need to know what that history is. You see his tagged photos. Who tagged him? Any kissing photos? If he comes out clean there, you move onto the wall. You check to see who posts on his wall the most. If you know he has history with someone, you go back enough to retrace that entire relationship. You figure it out. You know what was said when. You "see friendship" as much as you can, just so that you're sure. You can't have missed anything. You need to know it all. You watch him on Twitter. But this has to be close. The conversations move fast. Who are these girls? There's so little info. All you can do is watch. & All you hope is that there isn't a DM behind it all. You worry. You get nervous. You just...can't stop watching. 

      You asked me if you should stop Tweeting. In our world, social networking is as natural as... ummm... breathing? Have you met people without Twitter? Even worse, without Facebook? I know I give them a second look and wonder where they've been the past decade. For her to expect you to stop Tweeting is inconsiderate and a bit too much. She knows that. Regardless, it is what she'd like. Still, she knows that's outrageous and (assuming she's sane) wouldn't ask you to do so. So here's second best: What she'd like, honestly, is for you to tweet her and only her. And maybe a friend here and there. But mostly her. & show the world how into her you are. Make her feel as beautiful online as you do in person --no matter the medium.  

       The digital world is just that, another world. In day-to-day dealings with someone, I know I require a lot of attention. If we're in the same room, there will be no progress. I like attention & I want it all to myself. The presence of another world is simply another place for you to determine if you are ignored or reveled. It opens up communication between you two, yes... but it also opens you up to the rest of the world. In person, your girlfriend has all your attention. Rarely does she need to worry about anyone else, unless you're apart. But online, she's always in competition with someone else. At least, that's what it feels like. You're always on display to the world. There's too many opportunities for you to be stolen. To be enticed. Or... "entertained" as men like to call it. Just as we like to feel like royalty when we're with you, we want to feel liked no matter where you're posting your thoughts. & you don't necessarily have to Tweet or tag us consistently, just don't do it to the other bitches either. 

       So what do you do? Because it's unfair for you to have to disable all of your accounts, but you don't want her to keep buggin, right? How about... watch your mouth? Social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter are just Match.com on Ritalin. People meet each other. They look at each other. They flirt. They take part in conversations they might never have in person. It opens doors. Social Networking is a "singles" thing depending on how you do it. You don't have to flirt with girls. And just because you know someone, that doesn't make them a close friend. When you joke around with real female friends, you should keep it clean for two reasons:

1.  If that is your friend, you wouldn't/shouldn't talk to her like that and 

2. Because that is your friend, you wouldn't/shouldn't talk to her like that.

Luckily, my guy isn't social network heavy. I unfriended him on Facebook, like I told you all in "Internet Dating" and he only follows one person on Twitter: Me. & I like that. So I decided that's the reason why. We [females] would rather be the ones getting all of the attention. You can be on there. but it shouldn't be your world. You shouldn't be obsessed with social networking. It makes us wonder why you're always on there and who you're really talking to. It's not that we want  to be jealous... it just happens. 

      I know it's a bizarre way of thinking but... we're females. And that's simply how I see it. & If her mind works anything like mine, I'm sure she'll agree. & here's the difference. If your girl is pretty (& Mr. Hip, I'm sure you are well aware that yours is) guys will hit on her. And if she's a decent person, she'll write back whatever her version of "thank you" is because she doesn't want to be rude. And a girl like attention no matter who it comes from. The problem with guys is that you all do most of the flirting. You don't know how to respond to females without flirting back. Or, at least, very few of you do. We want you to shut them down every time. We want you to let all those girls know that they are nothing compared to us. No matter what she has. We want her to know that you want us and no one else. On the other hand, our job, as females, is to make men love us. We keep our crushes half-way entertained but we never have anything in mind so you shouldn't get upset when we send smiley faces. We don't do it because we're flirting. We do it because we're girls & that's what girls do: Cute shit. 

   So no, don't delete your accounts. & enjoy yourself on the sites. You need to have control over your own life even if you do love her. Just know that she'll be watching. So your best bet is to alter the way you speak to females on these sites &, I promise, you'll be all right. But... if you have a problem with how she talks to guys, you have the right to address that as well. Still, you should know that she probably does it so that you'll see it. So that you'll know that guys like her because (let's be real) sometimes a man needs a little fire under his ass to act right. If you asked her to change her ways, I'm positive she will, as long as you change yours  first.

Internet Dating

      

    

    I've kept half my life from "Thursdays". Quite literally actually. He and I are connected on all levels in the real world but, thus far, I managed to keep my digital world separate from his. He freinded me on Facebook a while ago. I had initially looked for him but didn't want to play the stalker part, so I decided to wait for him to friend me. But.. that didn't quite happen either. He actually friended himself off my page. I admit, at first, I found it sneaky. A bit stalker like on his end, but hey... who wouldn't. & to be honest, I like a man who gets the information he needs without my having to approve it. Sounds wrong but I kinda want a man who watches what I'm doing. I mean... if he cares right? 

   So, here we were: Facebook friends. & immediately I embarked on a search for bullshit. I went through his photos. I started clicking on the faces of girls who seemed to show up too often for my taste. Now I'm on the page of this girl I don't know, angry that she knows him... and then I stopped. I was already stressed. I could already feel my bloo boiling. It was already happening. Jealousy was taking over and we couldn't have been Facebook friends for more than 10 minutes. 

    There was only one solution: Remove from friends. I'm not sure you should be Internet pals with the person you're involved with unless you're really ready for it. Perhaps this puts too much weight on the digital world, but it's really like the club out there. You can meet someone if you want to and the heavy advertsing of those Match.com commercials are starting to convince me. And to be honest, I have --many times-- friended or followed someone simply because I think they're attractive. #SueMe. So what makes me think he doesn't do the same thing? And in reality, am I okay with that? How do I feel about that? Because the day some girl posts an "I miss you," on his wall, I'm going to want to know who the hell she is. But I won't ask. Instead, I'm going to dissect her page. I'm going to try to figure it out on my own. And instead of saying something to Thursdays, I'm going to hold it in and wait to see what happens. Will he respond? How will he respond. Will he ignore her? And if he ignores her, will the slut write on his wall again? Who is she? How do they know each other? Do they know each other? Has he fucked her? (Probably, because I've already decided that she's a slut.) & If not, does he want to? If left alone in a room, would they? Will they? Have they? 

     This is what happens. And I'm stressed just thinking about it. I'm trying my hardest to be secure and simply trust him, so I don't want anything that'll allow me to think differently. I don't want to provide myself with reasons to think that I shouldn't trust him. That I shouldn't be secure. Sometimes, we look for things. Whether consciously or unconsciously, we do it to ourselves. In trying to "protect" ourselves, we get caught up in any and everything we find and decide that we are being wronged... or try to address the situation before we are wronged. We try to keep track of the other person and social media has simply provided a method to check in on your beau without their knowing and I'm not sure if this is a good thing. I'm not sure people stray more today than they used to, I simply believe that it's easier to get caught now. Just as there are more way to meet people, there are more ways for your ass to get caught slippin. The only way you to be connected in the digital world & not have it fuck up... everything, is to have nothing to hide. & I've got nothing to be ashamed of. 

    Now, he follows me on Twitter. So... There's a couple things I'm worried about. I think he senses that I'm hiding something and, in fact, I am. Two things. First: My onine personality. I'm just allowed to be someone else online. I'm more confident. I'm free. I'm open. And most of that is simply because I don't care. And it's not anonymity either. Because people know me. I am who I am. But when it comes to guys, let's be honest,  a girl behaves a bit differently. I relax. I'm less boastful when I'm with him. Not because I can't be, but becasue I don't have to be. I don't have to tweet to the world how great I am. He tells me that. & I flirt and the whole nine and just don't want to upset him, but I want my social networking to be as fun as it always has been. I even got myself a Twitter hubby recently (Check out & follow @GMRketchup. He's the #PerfectGentleman). Now I know this is weird, but this awkward Twitter relationship allows me to be lovey-dovey with someone without getting all jealous --which I'm bound to do. & Now that Thursdays is following me on Twitter, I've got to see how this all plays out. He read my tweets out loud to me the other day and... I'm not sure how he felt about it. I know I was embarrassed.  Here's the thing though: I shouldn't have to change. I was Tweeting waaaay before I met Thursdays! & If I want him to actually like me for me, perhaps I should let him see all facets of me. All sides of me. The public and the private. If you hide one part of yourself from a person, how can they really know you? People need to see all of you to make an accurate assessment, don't they? 

     It's not that I've hidden things from Thursdays, there's just a lot I have yet to tell him. Like, for example, that I blog. This is my major concern. Not only do I blog... but a lot. & people are reading. I just don't know how he'll take it. It's sort of like dealing with a celebrity (& you all know how I want to be famous). He'll have to be okay with people sort of knowing our business. But in reality, no matter what you think as you read this, you all know full-well that you barely know anything. Most importantly, though, I don't want it to affect me. More importantly, I don't want it to affect my writing. I've been so pure thus far that I don't want anything to ruin it. That's why part of me is afraid of a relationship. Because, truthfully, this blog matters more to me than he does. This blog has helped me find myself and be myself more than any man could. This blog liberates me from the confines of our cruel, confining and judgmental world. You couldn't ask me to stop writing this blog unless you pay me. 

    So if he doesn't like me on here, he doesn't like me. Because this is where my real self comes through. If someone doesn't like you in the venue in which you are yourself the most, I'm not sure that's the right person for you. I'm different in different places. In class, I'm a nerd. At home, I'm my mommy's little girl.  In the streets I'm a lady. In the sheets? Well you know. But in person, I'm just regular me. I'm not talking for 6 paragraphs straight. I'm listening, I'm learning... I'm honestly gathering shit to blog about. We'll see what he says and thinks once he comes across this blog. Because he's bound to. He has yet to ask me why I call myself EllaThought on Twitter and he knows I have a "secret" Facebook page. The best part will come when he reads about himself and what I think/thought about him. The thing is, if any man I'm dating reads this blog, and doesn't see that it's basically a vault to my every thought, they're thinking about it the wrong way. Men like to complain that they never know what a woman is thinking. Well, here they are. Ella's thoughts #FoYoReadingPleasure. We'll see. 

Stay Tuned. 

      

All Hail the Queen.

      Step #1 in acquiring a happy relationship is learning to mind your own business.  It's a lot of self-restrain which, previously, I was incapable of. You want to know where he is at all times, who is there and (deny it if you'd like) what the conversation is about. You want to know. Not simply to keep tabs on him (but that's included) but because you need reassurance that he cares for you and only you. Most times, men won't say it to you. They won't give you the reassurance you need. We want to feel like the only girl in the world (thank you, Riri) and when we don't feel that way, we try to convince ourselves that we are. Sometimes though, I think we go about it the wrong way. Instead of focusing on how much time he spends with us and the things he does for us, we're concerned about his time away from us and what he's doing elsewhere. 

     If you break out of this frame of mind, life becomes glorious. If you've read "Crazy [in Love]" or "Mr. Thursdays" or, worse, "The Unthinkable" you'll have noticed I was  going through it. Like... through it. I mean... relatively. From any girl's point of view, anyway. It's been a while since I've been seriously involved in anything. Sure, there are crushes. I like everyone. I'll have a crush on any guy who's cute, talks to me nice & takes me out to eat. I'ma simple girl, really. But there's a difference when you begin to spend actual time with a person. Time that has nothing to do with them. Like... conversation about the upcoming election or the state of the Black community in modern America while I... paint my toenails. That's the kind of chemistry I dig.  & while your topic of conversation might vary from mine. I think that a person should just... fit into what you do normally. They should make you feel like you can continue to be you even when they're in the room. It's comfort. I mean, if love & marriage are forever, I'm going to be comfortable. 

     Your man wants to be comfortable, too. Honestly, you have to decide what type of girlfriend you want to be: Loud and screaming? Ignorant and inconsiderate? Spoiled and selfish? I've been all of these. And truthfully, if a man still loves you through any stance you take, that's what he decided. In a matter of a month, I was all these girls. I don't know why. I don't do it on purpose. It just happens. Sometimes you're meaner than you want to be. Sometimes he's more annoying than he needs to be. But it all stems from somewhere.Fellas, if you're lady is a bitch to you, it's probably not because she's a bitch. We're scared. All of us. Sacred to open up. Scared to get hurt. Scared to let him and scared to be alone. Scared that he's not the one. Scared that he is. Scared that he won't feel like you do. Scared that he'll leave. I was so upset at him those couple of days that I had to sit back and listen to myself. I had to figure out what it was. Was it really him? Or was it me? I started to ask myself these questions and literally half standing by myself like my own therapist trying to get my true feelings out.

      I know I don't love him. I just met him. But for some reason, I was trippin' - for lack of a better word. The only thing I actually heard myself say was this: I don't deserve to be alone. I've always felt that way, though. This is nothing new. And I've always deserved the best treatment, if I should say so myself. Not to mention, I believe that every girl deserves to be loved. Myself, included. Yet every time I get out of a relationship I'm stuck asking myself the same question: What did I do wrong now? Why don't things last? And they typically last a good 2-3 years, but that's been my max. Is it something wrong with me? 

  I've decided that it was something wrong with me. While I wasn't blatantly a bad person to him, I'd hold back. There are certain things a man wants and needs. We try to pretend like we don't care and don't have to care... but they matter to him nonetheless. And the better you satisfy the needs of your partner (selflessly) the better your partnership. He does anything I ask him to. Or he'll go out of his was to please me without my asking --that's the greatest. So why won't I do that for him? Why wouldn't I treat him the same way. He'll let me get away with holding back. He'd mention things but rarely complain. So doesn't he deserve to be treated well, too? He doesn't have to love me. And I don't have to love him. But we should want to make the other person happy --if we truly care for them. Sometimes, I think we hold back on our partners because we don't want to give too much We play the game under the rule of "Well you ain't my man" and purposely --although not maliciously-- keep our best faces to ourselves. If you were treat a man the way you know you can treat him (if he deserves it), you can keep that man forever. At least, that's how I'm approaching this situation. And lord knows things don't always work out the way we plan, but at least I'll get some good times out of it. At least we'll be out of the drama. At least we'll be happy. 

     So how am I going to keep the crazy under control? By minding my own business. When a man wants you to know where he is. He'll let you know. I don't ask where he is. And when I want him to come over, I don't ask, I don't tell... I simply let him know I'm free. If he's not, he lets me know. If he is, he'll be over (at a decent hour). I stopped talking about the other girls  --if there are any. I've stopped insinuating that that's where he's been. IF he has been with someone else, it doesn't matter because he's there with me now, & we shouldn't waste our time concerned with whores. I've taken the road before where I openly talk about the other girls to "prove" that I don't care. But no girl wants to know about anyone else. Even if she starts the conversation. Even if she asks. But I let him know that I don't want to know. I'm not going to ask for him to pledge his fidelity to me, but I won't allow him to blatantly disrespect me, either. I need him to lie to me if he has to. (Read: Me, You & Her: Open Relationships) I care more about my heart than I do about his penis. 

     When he's with me, I'm his Lady. He might not say it. I might not say it. But you couldn't argue otherwise. We don't need to publicly title what we have (Read" What Do You Want?: Relationship Titles) but the public display will speak for itself. If you were to "date" my man, you'd still be jealous of how he treats me. He should treat me that much better than he treats you. I'm the one who gets his time. "I want all of my calls answered," and I told him that. In return, I'll cook him dinner, bring him a glass of water and give him a massage after a long day. When's he's with me, I allow him to be a man. I let go. I open up. I do it all for him with no reserve. I tell him where I'm going and what my plans are but I don't ask about his plans. He's a man. He wants to be in control. I don't play around on his phone or ask him why he  has a password on it. My phone has no password. & I delete nothing. I have nothing to hide. I'm honest with him and he needs to know that. He needs to know that he can trust me. So that he doesn't feel dumb while he's trickin' on me and spending all this extra time. Men hold back, too. But you don't want to give them a reason to.  Because that's when the next girl comes in and makes him feel like a King. Then there's another woman on what should have been your throne. 

    *Waves to the Ex* All hail the Queen. 

     We all want to be treated like Queens. Even the girls who claim to need and want nothing. You can be a evil Queen or an adored Queen. It's really your choice.  Still, we want to be spoiled and loved and thought of and revered and held in high-esteem like the most magnificent woman created. But we treat our men like dogs. We give them less than they deserve. We show them no respect. We expect them to fuck up and then push them in that direction. We yell, we bitch, we moan (and not in a good way) and still expect to be treated like royalty. I said it before, there wasn't a moment I didn't deserve everything in the world. Any man who takes the time out to know me, understand me and actually care for me couldn't deny that, no matter what I did to him. for example, my ex from when I was 16 still sends me a Happy Birthday message every year. This year, he was the first to say it. And I did him dirty. But he loves me. Because deep down, I am a good person. I just need a man who is willing to sit around for a little bit and see that. Then, he deserves to be my King and I will treat him accordingly. Luckily, I've gotten to the point where I can care about him openly... and allow him more than just Thursdays ;) 

& maybe one day, he'll make me his Queen. I wouldn't be mad at that. I'm living a beautiful fantasy while I can. You really can't blame me. 

Step #2, you ask? Simple. You must employ great patience. 

Mr. Thursdays

I'm feeling pathetic. I can't take rejection. Why won't you call me?...Stephen, I'll knit you a sweater. I want to wrap you up in my love....forever... Ke$ha "Stephen"

        I was supposed to be over him. Yet, I stood outside of the Starbucks on the corner of 145th & Bradhurst seemlingly talking to myself. I hate when people talk on the phone in private, intimate places about shit that doesn't matter to anyone but them, soI kept drama outside until I felt like I was presentable. Sometimes it's tough to hold back the tears, and that's why I love the phone. Because even thought I was hurt, he couldn't see that from the other side of the phone line. & even if my reason for being hurt was dumb (to him) I was hurt nonetheless and (TIP FOR MEN) when a girl feels like she's been wronged all she wants is a "sorry" and a bit of comfort. Really it's not the difficult. Really that's all it takes. The solutions to problems are much easier than men make them out to be. We want you to give a fuck is all. Any reason we have to think you don't give a fuck is reason enough for us to be upset. Everything you do is evidence. Exhibits A -Z were collected while you weren't looking. 

"You disappeared,"I said. "You couldn't pick up my calls?" 

"If I'm a lounge or with friends or something I can't pick up. I'll call you later."

"How much later is later? 5 days is later?" Obviously, he and I have different definitions of later. 

        "I called you back that night," he argued. & I had no way to prove him wrong. I threw a bitch fit on day 3 and erased my phone's memory of him.  His contact along with all the texts. All the calls. There was no record of him. By Day 4 he officially did not exsts to me. Day 5, when I was officially done and didn't feel like convince this other guy to blow off his other date (I was on bitch mode, y'all) I decide to ignore his phone call and take myself and my laptop to Starbucks to tell you all about how my love life came crashing down. lol.. That get's an "lol" because I was so caught up. So emotional, but then he'd ask me a question and I would laugh. Or a hot guy would pass by and I'd get distracted. I was laughing at myself.  At one point, a guy came outside to smoke a cigarette and since I don't enjoy second-hand nicotine, I walked around the corner and leaned up against the hydrant that sits under a pretty tree. I noticed the guys inside and decided, Yes, this is a much better spot.

      "You want the whole kit & caboodle?" he asked. Our conversation moved forward as I tried to explain to him that he doesn't have to pick up every call, but a text in response would be nice. I told him I don't like to be ignored. I don't like to be second rate and I supposed this is the reasonI was semi-forcing a relationship on him. I can't be treated like that and I'mnot sure how other girls can go for it. It's like telling a guy "It's okay, you can treat me like a second class trick. I don't mind." Fuck that.  "Yes." I responded. And I said it sternly because I don't understand why not. I don't understand how he expects me to take the kit, no caboodle. Or caboodle no kit? When I buy shoes, I buy two. I get the whole set. I don't get half my groceries one day, half the other day. I mean... I don't even know how many places Lay-a-way still exists. I'm not going to be a part-time bitch and I suppose that's my point. I want all my phone calls answered. I want my texts responded to. And really... that's all I ask for. Thing is, when a man is with you, he's deading call after call. He's ignoring countless females so that you won't get mad. And that's fine by me. No other female should be close to being above me. No female should get attention over me. But I want to be number one at all times. Not just a show. Not just when you're with me. 

         Let them little girls know their place. Let them know that they're number one. Obviously they're okay with not being number one if they haven't asked to move forward already. I can only have a random man take up my time for so long. I am not a rental. This is a pay-in-full program. Unfortunately, for him, I have my own In I'll Tell you What I Want, I did exactly that. But truth is, what I really really want is to be number one at all costs. At all times. I'm not saying put my above your mother, but I should --without question-- be above all other girls. That's the placeI need to hold. I can't settle for anything less. I simply can't. I just can't allow myself. I hold myself in too high esteem for that. 

        "So it's all or nothing with you?" With the questions he asked, I know he understood, it's not that he didn't hear me. It's not that these were extreme requests, it's that he simply wouldn't agree to them. "I'm sorry, I can't offer that,"he repeated, "we need to come to a compromise." The compromiseI offered was this: He can see me Thursdays.  He doesn't want it all. But he doesn't want nothing, I figured Thursdays was the next best bet. The reason for this is that he already took5 days off because he claimed I needed "space". So I interpreted 5 as the number of days we need space. It was either Thursdays or every five days. Regardless, it'll be once a week. Now you might think that's extreme (and I really don't care) but it's not fair to me. I don't think it's fair that he can dictate when to see me or not see me. I'm not on jhis schedule. If we're going off a schedule, it's going to be mine. I will set the dates. He'll have to wait onthe days I'm  available and not the other way around. I don't mind looking forward to a day, but I won't sit around and wait for him to call and tell me when he wants to see me. That  I will not do. Because, yes, I do like him. I do like my time with him. But I "ain't no silly hoe, waiting for your call, let them other girls want you," as TLC so eloquently put it. 

    So I'm going to stick with it. Thursday will be his day. I'll figure out the details a bit later, but I promise, this is going to be good. The one thing that will not take place here is for me to be taken advantage of. I will not be used. I will not be played like some dumb little girl. When he asked me what I wanted, I responded, "I want you." It was half-game, half-truth. He knew it & responded, "You don't even know me." I laughed because he was right. I don't know him. & He don't know me either. 

Don't hate the playa, hate the game...

Actually, don't hate the game, play the game. 

But remember: Play the game. Don't let the game play you. 

PS: Never let your well dry out.

<3 Sayla V. 

The Unthinkable.

You could have been part of a masterpiece...  Rihanna "Fire Bomb"

"Why can't it be like that first day that I met you?"

"Because you were by my side that whole day." I hadn't seen his ass in a week.

      I started out in despair. The "Why me?" thoughts combined with the "what have I done to deserve this?" But the desperation swiftly turned into anger with the help of Keyshia Coles's "The Way it is." (The best breakup CD ever made.) Listening to it, I realized that I Just Want it to be Over because I Changed my Mind. Initially, Love, I Thought you Had my Back but come to find out, I Should Have Cheated. And Guess What? The Love was cool in the beginning (which wasn't that long ago) and still, in this short period of time, You've Changed. We Could Be so much more but in this Situation , you tried to do my Down and Dirty --and not the way I like it. I'm sorry you didn't quite realize that I'm a Superstar, now I'll Never feel for you like I almost did. 

I fucking love that album. 

      You see, he disappeared for a couple days. He's not the first. He's actually one of two. But the only reason the other gets off is because he's out of state. Simply said. Men don't do that to me. & I don't mean that to say that I'm the greatest women ever... but I'm the greatest woman ever. I'm not sure any women should feel otherwise about herself. & maybe there is where the problem arises. I feel I deserve more. My ex told me I don't deserve  half of what I think I deserve but what kind of sense would it make for me to listen to a man like that? A man who's limit was $35 on a pair of shoes? A man I had to fight with to spend another $0.97 on a pack of fettucini because there might not be anymore at home and there wasn't and now I'm pissed off so don't talk to me just take your ass back to the store and I hope you learned your lesson about being so goddamned cheap. *Exhales* 

       The problem at this point is that I'm ready.  Like... ready. If a man were totellme he really wanted to see where it went. If he really wanted to put his cards on the table. Face up. I'd be there. I'd be ready to dothat. To give it a fair trail. The thing is... most men "don't want a relationship," and he told me the same thing last night. To which I had to question: What do you really  not want? People avoid a relationship for a slew of reasons, most times selfish and completely understandable. My issue though,is when people lie about the reasons why not. He's "not ready for a commitment," he says. "Not ready to commit yourself or not ready to commit to one person?" I had to ask. There's a huge difference in the two. If someone is emotionally not ready, then they shouldn't be pushed into a relaitonship, that I understand. They might have been hurt before. They are unableto trust. I wouldn't push it because obviously, they aren't overtheir last relaitonship. They haven't yet forgiven. They aren't past it and I can't the the one to pull them through it. I need someone to have found themselves and hashed out all of their own issues and insecurities instead of making it my problem. 

       If a person isn't ready to commit to one person, then they aren't really into you, is my opinion. You haven't yet decided that it's me. & maybe I move really fast but I feel like that's something you know right away. Either that person is the (potential) one or they're not. Either you're willing to make that move or your not. I don't believe in learning to love someone. I believe you can force yourself to, yes. But I believe in love at first sight. At first conversation. At first instance. I believe in love and I believe that it's something that is beyond control. Something that... happens. With that said, I'm not sure I'll be able to have that. I'm not sure everyone has that. If done correctly, I think you can be satisfied with a forced or earned love. I believe true love is unconditional. There is no reason or motive behind it. It is beyond explanation. It should take nothing. And anyone reading who is being honest with themselves knows the difference. You know there are some people you didn't love off bat, but you grew to love them... while others, you simply can't get out of your mind. Still, I think that we commonly find ourselves in situations of forced love. Perhaps unconditional isn't the right path for everyone. & I'm not sure if there is a right vs. wrong. & Perhaps over time, forced love can morph into conditional. I'm not sure one love is stronger than the other... they're simply different. & given the right circumstances, can end up in the same place. You just have to be willing. 

     Over the passed couple of days I've been trying to get my mind working on it's correct path again --one that does not include him. & I'm telling you, it's been harder to keep track of my emotions than it is to track my cell phone (and I never know where that thing is). I was willing to force love in this instance because I feel like he deserved it. He deserved for me to be by his side as he had been by mine. I'm telling you, the beginning of whatever this was was absolutely fab. Compliments, kisses, gifts, concern. Conversation over candlelight, moonlight... name a romantic light & I promise he gave it to me with what I interpreted as sincerity. But when vagina is on the line... you can't trust a damned thing a man says. In Forgive Them, Lauryn says that "Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves."

    I don't doubt he likes me. He's put in work. He's be around for this long... but when I asked what path were were on --after his 5 day hiatus-- he didn't reciprocate my feelings. With that said, that answer was obvious: The path we are on is actually two different paths.  What he wants is to keep me around. For me to be a possibility. For me to be one the roster. And I understand this, not because I'm okay with it, but because I've employed a roster of my own. Not maliciously, of course... just for... insurance, we'll call it. I know exactly what he wants. He want a girl who wants him. Who will do for him. Cook for him. Clean for him. Breathe for him live for him. But only when he wants it. I understand it. But I'm trying to be honest with myself and I simply can't do it. I can't be part-time. I've asked for a Pat-Time Boyfriend before but I'm just not sure I can handle it. 

     I need consistency. I need security. I need guidelines of what I can and cannot expect. I abide by rules and limitations. & When I say this, I mean that I'm not satisfied with just... fucking someone when it's okay on their schedule. And I'm not sure any girl should be. Granted, I understand the ordeals that accompany a relationship, but if you don't agree to try from the beginning, I believe it'll be too late. You can't okay one game plan and then switch it up later. If I okay him  doing him that means he'll be out doing whoever and please believe if that's the case, he ain't doing me.  I know this sounds dumb, but when I go to my Gynecologist and she/he asks "Are you in a monogamous relationship," I want to answer "Yes" and be sure of it. 

    I want someone for me and only me. Is that too much? Is that so wrong? I might be overwhelming but really, I can't wait to fall in love. & I do it all the time. I love and lose all the time. Anyone who knows me knows it. I trip. I fall. I crash. I give me all when I think a man "deserves it". And it blows when they don't feel the same about me. And perhaps its not that they don't feel it back. It's that they're scared. And I'm tired of it. If you're not open and willing to try this is going no where. I open my heart. I hold nothing of the past against my future guys except that I need to be spoiled more than the last did. I just need the next guy to be better than the last.  & If you're better, you've got a good chance with me. 

    But, I don't love him. And I know it. "You're just lonely,"he said. "So?" I answered. So the-fuck what? What if I am? I'm supposed to stay that way? You know what? I just bought YSL Lipstick. & I'm in the market for a new pair of shoes. I'm going out this weekend.  

     I'd say I'm done with him. But I'd be lying. I do need entertainment. & (for the most part) he's a good guy. So until I find someone else to take up my time, I'm working on a schedule for him. As of right now, he's only allowed to see me Thursdays. I might even save him in my phone as "Mr. Thursday." I might open up an extra day if he behaves. But just like he told me he can't offer my commitment, I can't offer him much beside my cordial company. If he realizes that he does like me  as  person, I'll allow him to try to win me over. But neither my body nor my heart are in the table. He'll just have todo without. 

On to the next stage?