Ella Thought: 1.28.11

This is my first official Diary entry. Because sometimes, you want to get things off your chest, but it's hard to chose the right person to talk to. & I don't have anyone who just listens. All my friendships are either equally balanced, or I do most of the listening. I'm not complaining... it just is what it is. & really, I don't like to talk to people about the guys I'm dating if I like the guy. If I don't care... I'll share all the details. But the things I want, I keep to myself. So, in the words of Mr. Lil' Wayne, I'm "talking to myself because I am my own consultant." 

**All Diary blogs published 1 year after they are written**

Since You Checked Back In.

You don't just get up & leave & leave me sick like that. Jay-Z "Song Cry"

       I tweet now. More frequently than I used to. I think I've got my "groove" or... my "voice" (to sound a bit more reliable). I tend to speak on the same topics all the time, though: Men & Success. To make that sound more reliable, my personal life vs my professional life. These are the two areas which, if represented as rooms, would have "Under Construction" signs hanging from the door. I've got some moves to make, man. Thing is, each part is just as important as the next. I think I've got everything else settled. I'm not worried about friends. My friends and I are in an excellent place. I know who I can talk to about what. I know who my friends are  and who they are not. I'm not worried about my family. We're all doing good. My relationship with each of my family members, I  think, is solidified. They all know I love them beyond compare and there we stand. The only things left to figure out are... money & love. 

      I wanted to be engaged in 2 years. I know, I know. That's super soon but here's how I see it. I'd like to be "emotionally stable" in 2 years. Like... done dating. Or at least dating very seriously. If it doesn't happen by then, perhaps it'll take me an additional 2, 3 or even 5 years. But by that time, I'll be 30. Imagine if I started thinking about marriage at 30? That gives me too little time to decide what I want & how I want it done. Too little time to focus on a man as if  he is my husband and get my heart & mind in the correct place to be able to be with him. So... if I want to get married (I've decided), I better  fuckin' act like it. Not to say the man I'm dating now is going to be the one I marry... or that I'll marry the first person to propose, but that when the time comes, I'll be ready for it. I think it's ridiculous to think that you'll get married right after you being to think about it. Granted some people don't think about it & it all takes place at the right time. Some people think about it forever. I'm not saying that my time schedules work. Perhaps they aren't even realistic, but in order for me to strive towards a goal, the goal has to be clear and solidified. I wrote None of Your Friends' Business after a reader commented on one of my blogs that I'll "never find a real man." To tell the truth, it hurt me more than it upset me... or maybe it upset me more... the true, truth is that I didn't know how to feel. I felt like... she's a hater. lol. 

    Thing is, I'm really not at a loss for men. This is where the "tweeting" comes back into play: I tweeted the other day that I'm not having trouble finding a man, I'm having trouble deciding which one is best to pursue. Lately, I've stayed away from my personal business because I wanted to see how it all played out. I've written about my dates (That's What I Get) but I haven't quite filled you all in. Remember, You? From Should I Invest? Or even ______ from posts like The Love Drug (and plenty others here)? See, both of these guys were --and perhaps even are-- prime picks. Thing is, they aren't ready for me. In the story of life, I'm living ahead of them. They're in school and/or far away and it's tough to build something at a distance. You did a much better job than _____ did, but... they're both hot. So I date. Often. Without regard. I don't "chill". I don't have people come over & watch a movie. I don't go over so we can "talk and smoke some weed." I don't want to do it. If a man can't entertainment while we're out --with all that additional entertainment --how's he going to do it all alone? With no help? No sirloin a la something? No creme brulee? 

     So I've turned to taking suitors. Anyone who wants to take me to dinner? I let them. I get to know them all. I give them a fair chance. Granted, I know from the beginning if it'll work out or not, but I'm there to enjoy the company. There was a time when men knew that women had multiple suitors and they had to prove themselves against the rest if they really wanted her. At the same time, she (and her family) had to think about which one of these men/applicants was most fit for the position of being her husband.  Now that I've taken on a new suitor, I've had to weigh my options. I've had to think, is this the right choice for me? Is he the one? I know it's unrealistic and sometimes detrimental to ask questions like that in the beginning stages of a relationship... but I really am easy to love. & I can make things work. Men want to be treated a certain way. They like to do certain things. & not to toot my own horn (how corny is that saying?) but I'm one hell of a girl. Why Wouldn't they Love Me? 

      So while I am having one hell of a time with the guy I'm dating now, I still wonder. Will things someday turn around and give me another run at You or _____? Part of me feels badly for this. Perhaps I should forget them both, along with all the other miserable bastards I've wasted time with but I would never keep someone around who didn't have potential. These boys had it. Each in his own right. It's simply up to me to determine what kind of life I want to live. What kind of man I want. But it's unfair for me to have to decide without trying them out. I never dated _____ formally... like as an adult. Like a real date. I truly believe that when he's older, stable and financially capable, he'll be one hell of a date and a genuine man. You, I've never dated at all. But I'm certain he's fun & entertaining and an absolute sweetheart. & not for nothing, but all three of these men are degree'd (or soon to be) and driven. I can't ride with a man who has no drive. 

        The question I've had for myself is how to handle this all. Should I do nothing and wait on my prince charming to sweep me off my feet? Or will they understand that it's tough to be a new New Yorker? And if I am as great as the game me to be,  don't you think someone else will see that, too? Now I'm willing to be on standby while we all figure our lives out, but how long can that really be? And do I have to be lonely the entire time? Now, that's not to say I'm out there running the streets, but a girl needs a bit of company. & since I don't solicit company from multiple men at one time, is it wrong for me to take on a beau?

  But how fucked up is that to him?  I take things slow on purpose. But when someone is of true character, it's difficult to take advantage of them and play them for your own selfish gain (although I do that well, too). Still, emotionally distancing myself from him has been beneficial. I like  him. But I don't know if I like him. Maybe he's simply the best out of this batch I've come across so far. Or maybe it's because he actually has the time to spend with me. Maybe I just needed someone. Because sometimes I just... need someone. Is that wrong? Still, though, this guy knows I date. He knows when I'm out with someone else. & While he doesn't like it, he knows that the only option is for him to pick up the slack. & it's not that he's doing a bad job... I just need to distance myself. I don't know what's out there. I'm not ready for him. I'm respectful, though. I let him know when I've been invited out. He can tell me to cancel, but he has to entertain me in return. I also don't speak to You (very much) or _____ (at all). I play my part. & He plays his. I think that what he needs is a good woman. & what I need is a good man. & it's been marvelous so far... but is this what I want? Is he what I want? 

     I'm giving it all a couple years. This relationship thing & the suitors I hope will reappear in the future. So that I know for sure that this is the move I want to make. For now, I can't hold onto men who aren't holding onto me. Like I've said before, The Men who Like You are a Mess and Men Like Women Who Don't Like Them. So I've got to do what's best for me. What'll make me happy in the moment. & If they like me like I once liked them (and sometimes still do) they'll  understand. They'll understand that no matter the distance, if I had the ability, I'd make it work. All I want to do it be there for the man who wants  me there. It's the wanting part that is the most difficult. Funny thing is, if either of these boys had asked me to be true to them, I would have. But I won't do anything I'm not asked to do. I think that any adult would understand that --that people have the right to go about their lives if you aren't going to give them all they need or if they can't give you all they need. So I'm out here dating & I hope they're out there on a "fuck bitches, get money" groove. Hopefully, one day our paths will align again & we can be we again like we were. So until the day they come back for me, and in all likelihood they won't --I'm prepared for that, I'll be somewhere [in New York City], somewhere locking the mall down. 

Still, I can't give me heart unless I'm sure. & I'm just not sure. 

(PS: When I get my ring, I'm going to write a post called, "#LookAtMeNow Hoe" & dedicate it to those who have no faith in me as a marry-able woman. & *Lips purse* *Head tilt* & *Snaps for the kids* )

This is Bullshit: You Made Me Do It.

Not calling you a hoe, just made a hoe decision - J. Cole "The Autograph"

     Even if I've made some ill advised choices. Even if, eventually, I couldn't be trusted. I know it wasn't all my fault.Sometimes, I use the "what he wasn't doing" excuse to justify my past actions. Still, as I fought on my own behalf,  I knew full-out the grave degree of my bullshit.

       Bullshit is one of my many talents. I know I'm not alone in the trade and so I am here to warn my fellow bullshitters of the perils that lay ahead. The danger with being a supreme bullshitter is that once you've mastered the skill, you're in danger of bullshitting yourself. This is when you start to make excuses for your actions and -even if they do hold weight -you know that you could have and should have made a better decision. The thing is, for a bullshitter it's always easy to justify wrong actions. You just go down the list of the wrongs that have been done to you. Simple as that. You put the blame somewhere. The reason this works is because your ammo is nothing but the truth.  

       I've told you all before that I'm a recovering cheater. But, that was all because "I Was Just a Girl." I've found the the easiest way for me to avoid cheating was, essentially, to avoid commitment.  The theory behind it was that, if I wasn't his girlfriend, it wasn't cheating.  This is Bullshit. This is the exact thing I'm referring to. I knew it was disrespectful. I knew it was wrong. Still, there was a part of me that needed  to. For whatever reason. I mean, it's true that I wasn't being satisfied. It was true that I was unhappy. And it was true that these things led me to be unfaithful and, therefore, unworthy of trust. 

       Even men are so kind as to give us this benefit. I've heard it more from men than I have from women, the saying about, "he must not be A, B or C and that's why she's cheating". You allow us this luxury. There was a time (and it's still that time in some places) where women would be stoned and beaten to death for infidelity. Now, I'm not saying that's right, but I'm saying that it probably prevented a lotta "hoe decisions".  Just think of how American women are perceived around the globe... highly sexualized to say the least. & Black women even more so. While it's easy to justify when you do something wrong... ever notice how much harder it is to do something right? Being faithful takes a lot of will power. Last night, I had my first test; my first doubts with You. You see... I've been trying to figure a way to put this because... well, I never know when/what You might read.

       Plain & simple... I sent an email to Him. Not even texted. I conned my way into a lunch date. The "bullshit" is because.. You aint around & a girl sometimes needs company. The truth is, I'm in the market for a pair of Louboutins, and if I can get him to kick in even a little bit... that'd be clutch. Judge me if you want, I know that's wrong... but here's the honest part of it all: I Like You. But I also like nice things. I know You isn't going to give me what I need/want when it comes to material things, at least not right now. & He's not a sucker. I probably wouldn't be able to if I tried. Him, though... I can get Him and I'm currently trying to decide how wrong it is to play a man who's trying to buy his way into panties he's never even seen. The closest he's gotten into bed with me was when I was looking for a mattress at Macy's. The most alluring part about Him is that the game we play is perfect. He buys me things because he thinks I'm impressed, but also plays the nice guy role. So meanwhile, he spends the bread and says it's not because he's trying to get into my pants. The truth is, he dug himself a hole. You can't expect me to let that go. 

       Buutt.... You won again. We don't speak much... but when we do, I enjoy it in its simplicity. So after our super-cute Skype date I made up my mind to cancel on my lunch date. Luckily, it was the day of the Women's Fall 2011 show at work, so I used that excuse to my advantage.. but here's the kicker --He reeled me back in. He wants me to go shopping with him. I love shopping & he knows it. We emailed a bit more back & forth at work until he asked "Can I call you later." I never responded. I didn't want to talk on the phone with him. You & I had a conversation about why I don't Skype people... I just don't want to see everyone's face. & honestly... I really don't like Him's voice. It has this... nerdy undertone that kills me. I need a man to sound like a man... You sounds like a man... & he suuure looks like one :) 

        So I was in the middle of taking Dirty Pictures when my phone rang. I looked at it & kept it movin'. Maybe it's just me... but if a woman doesn't "ok" you to call, you shouldn't call. Unless you already have a place. Him does not have a  place & if he thinks he does, he is sadly mistaken. (Besides, I'd much rather text. It's easier to pretend I'm interested in scribe. If we talk on the phone, it might give away that I'm using him. & In person, I'm too concerned with where we're eating/going/shopping to pay attention to him. I only pay enough attention to watch where his hands are.) When I was finished with my impromptu photo shoot (which I'm turning to a game we play... maybe I'll give you guys the details later. I've got to test it out first & see how You likes it.) I picked up the phone and began to return the call. It rang once & I hung up. 

        This was big for me.  & bigger for You, even if he doesn't know it. When I hung up, it was the thought of You in my mind that made me do it. I literally thought, "He doesn't deserve that." That was big. Because... I mean, you all know me.... I really... don't give a shit. I'm single. I'm happy. I'm not owned by anyone & the only person who put decent rings on my fingers is my mommy. (Diamonds, Rubies & Emeralds, I was a spoiled little girl. The man who proposes to me better make a STATEMENT.) Anyways... I didn't call back. I actually attempted to initiate my game, "What Color are My Panties?" instead but ended up falling alseep. (#Fail)

        But... As soon as I put that phone down, and had that thought of You, I felt fear. For the first time in a while I felt actual fear... and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know exactly where it stemmed from. So I wrote down my feelings... I've begun keeping a diary (say what you want, but it's a Moleskin notebook and exceptionally Dope) where I can write the things I think & can't backspace. My truest truths where I don't have to worry about who's reading it --I figure I'll publish & sell it one day. Anyway, at the end of my reasoning.. I wrote this:

"What if I let him in and he hurts me? Is that a chance I'm willing to take?"

This is when people start to close up. When you turn back and say... it's not going to happen to me again. but this is also where we go wrong. Where we fail to give the other person what they need and deserve: Truth. We pretend everything is all right, all the while stacking brick upon brick, building up our walls.  In the end, you can't see each other at all --not who you are and definitely not who you used to be. I'm opening up my heart (& closing my legs) for 3 reasons:  1. For You, because he's given me no reason to shut down. & if I can stay open with him, perhaps he'll feel that and do the same. B: For myself. Because I deserve to be happiness. & To be admired for my person aside from my body. Third. For all my Ellas: Because we are far too angry. Far too hurt. Far too unwilling to forgive but in the end it hurts us more than it does anyone else. I'll be the first to take this leap of faith & we'll see how it turns out. I'll do the scary stuff for you. If it works, you can choose to follow the steps. If it doesn't... Well... learn from my mistakes. 

Moral of the Story: No more hoe decisions, Ladies.

Don't do as someone says if what they say isn't what they do. 

[un]Fortunately, I live this. 

 Wish me luck. 

Misery, Be My Valentine.

There's so much fuss about Santa Claus. But, you see, Cupid will not be defeated. 

- Outkast, "Happy Valentine's Day"

      Not only does misery love company but company loves misery back. It's a happy marriage between the two. Sometimes, people pull us down. Other times, we simply feed the the ammo and allow ourselves to be reeled into the negativity. I've been struggling with the question of how much do I say? How much of my personal business do I put out? What is it okay to tell my friends? Better yet, what is okay for my friends to say to me? Even a better question: Where do I draw the line when I blog?

      There are few people who know more about me than I blog about. It's bizarre... because people who read this think that they know me inside and out. But they don't. At the same rate, they know me just as well as anyone else. Initially, I had gotten the idea to come up with rules for myself on this blog. For example, the rule that I thought I could follow was this: I wouldn't talk about any guy while I'm involved with him. & If I did post, I'll post about a guy only after it's over, or one year after the fact. Whichever came first. I just went against that. The problem is, after the moment passes, I no longer feel it. Everything in hindsight is seen differently. I have "Diary" posts hidden on this site that'll post a year from now. So that you can feel me in the moment. Problem with that is that, I rarely finish a blog in one sitting. So most are incomplete. #RuleTrashed. 

       The issue isn't that I write everything. It's that there's nothing I do that I'm ashamed about. The reason I'm not posting about raunchy one-night-stands is because I'm not having any. [Sucks, huh?] I conduct myself in a manner that I can present on here. Besides, I'd rather post on here than talk to anyone. People talk back & I don't really like that. Most people don't have anything beneficial to say. So I just be..."Talking to myself because I am my own consultant." & While this might be something that can be interpreted as "insane," it helps me maintain my sanity. 

        Friends rarely have anything good to say. We all know that. Still, we tell all of our friends things we shouldn't. People don't need to know all of your personal problems. They also don't need to know all about your significant other. There's a way to have conversation while watching that line. You don't disrespect the other person. You don't give too much detail. There are things that should be between two people. And as friends, we should expect it from each other. I don't want to comment on guys anymore. I need the women around me to make decisions for themselves. In reality, you shouldn't say anything about your personal life that you couldn't say to a crowd of people. If it's something you'd be embarrassed to shout out loud --to strangers --you should keep that to yourself.

       That's how I use this blog. My friends are going to find out more about You on here than they've heard me actually speak about. & When I spoke, I didn't say much. Sometimes, I'm afraid to jinx things, so I don't want to talk about it. I'm afraid that if I put the guy up on a pedestal, I'll have a harder time facing that facts if everyone knows them. If things don't work out, and no one knows it existed, less to deal with, right? Less music to face. That's why when girls complain about their boyfriends cheating and then run back to that guy, they have to hear more about it. If you hadn't said anything in the first place, it'd have been like it never happened. It'd have been a private matter. Granted, that's easier said than done... but if you try, I assume you'll see better results. 

       I used to be a hater. It bothered me to see happy couples walking down busy streets, hand-in-hand, slowing down my commute. Eventually, you've got to get over it. You've got to learn to be happy for other people. With Valentine's Day around the corner, the depressing Facebook statuses have begun flowing in. There is fear in the air. It's such a defining day. The day when haters come out of their slumber and fucked up couples pretend to be happy. This time last year, I pretended to be happy.  I had a date, therefore, I was "happy". When in reality, I should have stayed my ass home. The best V-Days I've spent were the ones when I was with people I wanted to be with. Without obligation. If I could have that for Valentines, a true Valentine, I'd take it. But this year, I'll graciously wish Happy Holidays to all the couples out there.

      I think... people think... I'm... lying when I say I'm happy alone. It's like... I've accomplished this impossible thing. To enjoy my own company. I'm not saying I wouldn't like to have someone around on occasion. Preferably, it'd be You. But that's the problem, I have  preference. If it's not him, I'll be fine alone. I don't... like anyone enough. Truth is, I think I could swing it. I could get taken out. But I'll be so much happier by myself. This is when people come out the wood works. The time of the year when people realize that they're alone and try to fix the problem. All of a sudden, everyone wants love. Everyone rushes love. My silent phone begins to ring.

        Don't get me wrong, on Valentine's Day, I might be bored. But, I'm always pretty bored. What I won't  be is sad. If you can let one day get you down like that, you've got a lot of re-evaluating to do. I'm not judging you. I used to put tremendous emphasis on the day... but at this point... you've got accept that sometimes, we're alone in this world. We each live one life. No more. No less. We can't put so much emphasis on how much attention we're getting from somewhere else. Maybe you're not putting enough emphasis on yourself. How about that?

      Stop worrying about what somebody else is doing. People are on dates every night. Every night, there's a girl out there getting wined, dined and/or romanced. You don't worry about them the rest of the year, right? Well, I sure don't. I've got better things to do. Like... make money. I suggest you put all that energy and concentration into something lucrative. The people who are angry at Valentine's Day are the absolute worst. Just because you have no lovin' doesn't mean you have to bash the day for everyone else. Let them be happy. Stop trying to get people to be as miserable as you are. For people talking trash about Valentine's Day and how love doesn't exist... Do you really wonder why you're alone... Fix your attitude & maybe somebody will fix you some dinner next year. #JustSayin

     So if you're alone on Valentine's Day --by choice or by circumstance-- just remember so am I. I'll probably be right here in my room --Chinese food, Barefoot Bubbly Moscato, Pretty Woman & Breakfast at Tiffany's.... wait... on a Monday? Nope. I'll be sleep. Point is.... I consider myself a pretty top-notch bitch. It doesn't mean anything to be alone. & If I does, this was a pretty good pep talk right? 

Stop hatin & Happy Holidays. 

Happy Valentine's Day.... 

EVERY DAY THE 14TH!!!!

When arrows don't penetrate

Cupid grabs the pistol!

He shoots straight to your heart

& He won't miss you!

The Truth: Can You Handle It?

"Just because you want the shit doesn't mean you can handle it." Jay-Z, Decoded, p95

       People think they want truth. But I'm unsure of how much an individual can actually manage.  I think I'm too open now. I tell too much. I used to lie. About everything. I was the most unfaithful, untrustworthy girlfriend any of my boyfriends has ever had. They might not think so, but I guarantee it.  But... the last time I fell out of love, I fell so hard, that when I got up, I was a complete different person. I fell so hard, I think the old me died. It sure as fuck felt like it. 

      There are things we want out of life. And sometimes, we're scared to admit them. Afraid of the outcomes. There's the possibility that you simply won't get that thing you've been working so hard for. That it won't be given to us. That we'll be denied. The only thing that hurts more than being denied something you want is not deserving that thing. Worse than that? Getting that thing and then fuckin it up. I have experience with all three. 

         When it comes to men, I used to make exceptions based on what he could give me. If he had no money, I determined that money didn't matter.  If he wasn't in school, I decided "everyone has their own path." If he didn't dress exactly how I would want him to, I figured "we all have our own styles." The thing is, all of those are true... but that doesn't mean they have to be true for me. Those are not my truths. Truth is, I want what I want. Like Jean-Michel Basquiat, I'm using my art to "communicate [my] truth" (Decoded, p95). This is just my life. & While the rest of you have friends to talk to, I don't trust anyone to understand me but me myself. & I don't trust anyone to tell my story other than myself. Because I feel like things will be left out. Incorrect. Misinterpreted. & Then it would no longer be true. 

     When it comes to this blog, I think I'm doing something that's never been done before. Sacrificing myself, not only for those who read this, but for myself. A martyr of sorts. I'm willing to put myself on the chopping block. I'm doing this so that I know what my truths are at all times. Sometimes in different situations, I forget the promises I made to myself. I forget what I said I would do. It takes me time to figure out what I should say in any given situation. How I should react. I write these blogs to remind myself of what I think. So that I don't slip back into the person I used to be: Angry, hurt, abused, misunderstood, self-concious, nervous, worried, unhappy, unappreciated. It's not like I was all these things at once. It's that like any other person, these feelings arise in me. & Even I sometimes go back and read my own posts and admire my own strength. In the moment, it's tough. It's easier for me to write to myself. I give myself the same strength I offer to anyone reading this. 

     Being able to tell the truth is 95% of the battle in a relationship. It's trust. I'm completely sold on this idea. The idea that relationships only fuck up once lies are told. If lies are told in the beginning, it's fucked up from the beginning. If you start lying, it starts fucking up. It's what lies do: They fuck things up. When you get used to lying, it is a huge problem. When you get good at lying, it's infinitely dangerous. I want to trust someone. With everything. The only person I trust right now is my mother. She has no reason to lie to me, nor I to her. She isn't afraid to hurt my feelings and I don't fear her. She allows to speak openly with her. Sometimes, I even tell her more than I should. In a relationship, there should be no boundaries. If you can't talk to a person about something, that something is going to eat away at you. You should be able to talk about anything and everything. From the meaning to life to if people who aren't religious get offended when people say "Bless you" after a sneeze. (That's a question I  randomly wanted to ask You but didn't because it was so weird... but that just shows me that I'm not comfortable. That I can't be the real me, yet. I'm afraid of what he'll think.)

    The truth is, I'm scared as hell. I'm scared that I'll end up alone. That a man won't love me for who I am. Either he won't really like me for me, or I'll turn into a person I don't recognize as I try to please him. I'm unwilling to accept either. I've got to just be me and hope that a man sees it and loves it. And if I end up alone... then so be it. 

    The reason this blog is coming up, is because You lost tonight. My weekends get lonely. And really, I don't expect much. A 5 minute conversation is enough to satisfy me. Honestly. I know it's a lot less than a lot of girls would like... but a simple "Just thinking bout u" text message is all I need. Unfortunately, tonight, it came from the wrong person. & Like I said before, if I write it here, I have to take my own advice. I  was hit up today by two guys I wasn't expecting. The biggest losers, actually (Not in the sense that they're losers, their both actually very, very attractive): New Guy & Young Boy from "All Men are Created Equal". Young Boy wants to "see me", which in my book means dinner. I'm considering next weekend. New Guy simply is back on the radar, I'm not sure how I want to handle him right now. I'm going back home at the end of the month, so I might give him a call then. 

       Problem is, I don't want any of this. I made my proposal to You in "Should I Invest," but the thing is, even when a man says he's going to do something (ie. read my blog), he rarely does it. He read a half of one blog and now thinks he knows everything about me. It takes much more than one blog to know my real thoughts. Today, I took my own advice. I needed attention, so I sent off a "Dirty Picture" like I told you all to do. & it did work. He did text back. He gave me a 9 out of 10 stars on the picture. So I sent him more to get my full 10. He hasn't written back lol. (Alright, I'm a normal girl. So, yes, that is very embarrassing for me to say. But that's what happened. Learn from my mistakes: send one pic & let it die.) Thing is, I had sent the pictures because I was getting attention else where. Attention I didn't want. So I wanted You to play his part and give me a bit of entertainment. But I'm not sure how much he can. I'm starting to reconsider my Partnership offer to him. I'm not sure he can handle it. & Truth is, if I didn't have this blog, I would make the exception. I could keep my mistakes to myself and pretend they don't happen. I could pretend You is perfect and giving me all the attention in the world. When I write it here, I have to face it. 

He's slackin'. 

     What people don't realize is that the moment you slack, someone else will be there to pick up where you left off. I promise. Male or Female. This blog is proof. So, Young Boy might have a Valentine's date now that I think of it. & New Guy should take me out for my birthday. I should be hesitant to write this all here but.... I really don't "give much of a fuck (Decoded, p55)" about men who are really only trying to put their penis's in side of me anyway. If a man who really wants my heart reads this, he knows that my heart is under lock and key. If You reads this, he knows that I've already given him the key. But he doesn't know is where the safe is. 

      I have no choice but to utilize all my options. Depending on how the next couple of days go, we'll see where You stands. For now, it's not looking great. So I'm considering other options. What You doesn't realize is that I can give him something all men yearn for. Men complain that they can't figure out how women think or what they're thinking. I literally give all my thoughts. If any man is out there wondering how women feel about a certain topic, I'm the one to ask. I can't speak for every woman... but this the best you'll get. & You? He gets the thoughts of his woman. Written. & I write the truth so brutally you'd think I soaked my words in it overnight. What more could you ask for? 

At this point, I can only think that maybe he would ask for less...Hopefully he realizes what's in front of him. It'd be quite a shame for him to miss out.  

     But... I'm not missing out on this date waiting on You to come around. I'll be texting Young Boy back in the morning. Hopefully You can understand this truth and know that I really can't sit around. & that if he keeps sitting around, someone is bound to take his place. For some reason men think we sit around and wait for them... wait.. it's because we typically do. I've done it before... cut off the world in the name of some stupid boy I thought would love me. But till the day You tells me he wants me to be his, and acts accordingly. I'm single. & single means, I get taken out. Well, I get "Lended" out. When I make a commitment, I down for the ride. But right now, I have none.  My schedule is open & I let You, New Guy and Young boy know that. Whoever wants to take up that time is welcome. But if You wanted it all to himself, I'd be ready for that. It's just that at the current moment, it's not feeling like that's what he wants. So I'm not going to act like it either.

 I won't be in something alone. & That's the truth.

   

Ask Ella: Should I Invest?

Will my investment be worth it? 

-You

Re: Your Investment
CC: Financial Team


Dear Mr. You, 

       There's plenty about me that might scare you. My mere existence for example. I mean... that I'm a Real Woman. There aren't many of us out here. Some look like us. Some might even look... better. But don't be fooled. Other versions, released by other companies, are exactly what they look like. Sloppy Women are sloppy. Pretty Women are pretty. Empty Women are empty. Real Women are Me. & By "Me", I mean the women I represent: Ella's. I congratulate you in coming across one. Better yet, I congratulate you in coming across The one. 

        This company, Ella Thought, is only interested in potential buyers. For, I am meant to be driven. In a previous conversation we had, I let you now that this particular make & model is not available for rental. We'd not put on extra, unnecessary miles as it devalues the product. Depreciation is not in our best interest. 

        We do though, lend. The lending option means you can have me for a couple of hours. I am available for dinners, concerts, parties, festivals, movies and other activities where you'd just like to be accompanied by me. I am always available for shopping. (I am sure you're aware that you'd like Super-Fly with me. ) This option excludes overnight stays and home visits. Ella does not put its best products in uncertain situations. But, I might say, you don't strike  as me the "Lending" type. According to Ella requirements, you are not fully qualified to own, so I've considered a special  option for you. This is an option extended only to the best of our potential buyers. It is a specially constructed level of ownership fashioned for your particular situation. 

        I'd like to make you a Valued Client. Although you can cannot fully commit to ownership at this time, Ella has determined that we'd still value your involvement in the company. We'd like to offer you a Partnership. Ella will provide everything you need as long as you provide the maintenance. This is an  environmentally friendly product which runs on natural resources: Happiness, Love, Health, Smiles. For the most part, I am self-maintaining. But this model, the Ella Thousand, is the equivalent of a foreign car.  With regular maintenance, I'll be the best purchase you ever made. Even if not regularly maintained, I still run better than most other vehicles on and off the road. But when I break down, I'm a bitch to fix. And the parts aren't cheap. It's not that the Ella Thousand is high maintenance. It's actually low maintenance, but you've got to take really good care of it.  We expect you to treat the Ella Thousand like it is yours. It's already pretty. Good body. Excellent mechanics. But you can throw some rims on it if it's classy. Change the tires. Fill up the tank. & Give it a good wax when you can. 

Answers to FAQs complied for You: 

       Why should I invest? The Ella Thousand is a top of the line product. Reliable. Dependable. Can handle all terrain. Great history. Additionally, this product is geared only to improve as time progresses. As new options arise and the client changes, Ella Thousand is sure to change along with you. It accommodates to the situation without affecting the product. This is a growing product with automatic updates. It's self maintenance makes sure it improves regardless of the customer. It is actually more likely that the product improves too much and too rapidly for the customer because it is already on an advance path. The Ella Thousand is made for a customer who has ambition to match, or better. One thing the Ella Thought does not do is fall behind. That is something this company swears behind 100%

      

     What if I'm not thinking that far ahead? No worries, you don't have to. We've mentioned before that this product is advanced. If it does not think to the future, it is likely to be surpassed by other models and Ella cannot let that happen. For the "Right Now" client, the product is also a does everything it needs to do. Gets you from point A to point B. It's your decision whether or not to go to C. But the Ella Thousand goes to Z if you want to go there. The Ella Thousand is guaranteed to be your "favorite." You'll want it. You'll prefer it. When you have it, you'll be completely satisfied. When you can't have it, you'll wish you did. You might not always think of it, and you might make other choices, but if you are ever in the position to make the "choice," Ella will be the one. At least, that has been the case with anyone who took the step.


          How much maintenance are we talking about? Ella Thousand is comfortable in its current situation. As mentioned previously, the product is constantly updating. For it's own best interest and yours. As a company, we have highly value the ideals of hard-work, family and self-enlightenment. The Ella Thousand has plenty other scheduled commitments. If no commitments are made, it focuses on self-improvement with an emphasis on body and mind. With this package, we must let you know that the product is available only nights and weekends. If special circumstances arise, arrangements can be made. But from 9am-8pm, M-F, Ella Thousand will be servicing itself and therefore, unreachable.   Additional commitments with board members (comprised of family & friends. This is a respectable, family-owned business) further decreases the amount of time you'd need to commit. You do not need to put in constant maintenance. There are no daily/weekly fees or check-in requirements. But when you are available for maintenance, we expect you to satisfy the product in full. 

          Is investment required? Investment is Ella's way of ascertaining your level of commitment. We don't ask about commitment at Ella. The conversation is typically filled with loopholes, lies and lust. Instead, whatever you put in is what you get out. If you want the "fully-loaded" package, it's going to cost you more. Also if you don't invest enough to maintain, we'll have to go out in search of additional sponsors. While we would love for you to accept the Partner option and maintain, Ella has to take care of its own best interests. Being a business man yourself, you must understand that money talks. The company is pleased (and surprised) to name Keri' Hilson's "No Boys Allowed" album as a major influence in the most recent slew of album drops. In answer to this question, I encourage you to listen to Buyou ft. J. Cole. For your reference and ease, I've included J Cole's verse here:

I see ya, it’s hard not to see ya.
Face like Aaliyah plus a college degree-ah
Climbing up the ladder at that full time job.
Tell me how the hell you end up with a full time slob?
I mean you been a ride a die for him
Paid for the dinner and the movie and the popcorn.
How you figure it’s gon last, he just sit up on his ass?
And play that damn x-box that you cop for him?
Buyou, buyou, how much to try you?
Aint saying you for sale but baby lets be for real.
Buyou, buyou, shit that I can buy you.
These n-ggas all the same, either they Ken or Ryu.
Stringing you along allow me to untie you.
Vitamin D supply you.
Let them little boys walk by you.
They fronting cause they broke
But the numbers don’t lie
If they swear they so fly tell me why they never fly you?

Out-of-Town FAQs

        Do I have to fly you? Yes. In your particular situation, distance would be of a concern as Ella Thousand requires occasional maintenance (see above). On occasion, you might like to have your product come to you. Please keep in mind that this is a product. & A fragile one. You must pay to have your product sent to you. In the appropriate conditions. There is no free shipping unless you've already spent a considerable amount on the company. We are open to travel but traveling takes work: especially in moving around schedules. With that said, we'll need insurance. If Ella does put up for travel, we expect  reimbursement of equal amounts  --monetarily is an option, but not the only one. Reimbursement should occur sooner rather than later. 

     How do I know I'm getting what I signed up for? The product is not perfect. But neither is any of the competition. What I'm offering to you today, is a complete package. Clearly laid out. You will not get any less than agreed to. But if you're a good customer, and show loyalty we'll be glad to throw in occasional extras. This product is one that will be beneficial in the future, but accommodating the the now. The only way to truly find out, would be to test the product. We do not provide "free trials", but you can schedule for a lending opportunity. If you are satisfied with the product in person, we can discuss the possible partnership. If you accept the offer, this will stand as a written contract. Things in writing hold most weight and so Ella has provided you with that benefit. If at any moment, one party feels as though the other isn't coming through, feel free to refer to this document. 

       Do I have to invest? No. We're pleased to offer you this option, but your involvent or lack of will have no drastic effect. Ella is already a very lucrative organization, with nothing but potential for growth.   We're just offering the opportunity for you to be involved in something great. We look forward to hearing back from you on this opportunity and encourage you to consider the options. I am sure you will find that this is an opportunity few would let pass. Similarly, you are a client we'd like to foster a relationship with and we'd be willing to hear your thoughts on the offer. We'd also listen to options you've considered, as long as they fall in line with the above. 

Thank you for looking into Ella's Thoughts. You know how to reach me. 

(Offer expires April 1, 2011.)

Unstable Creature.

Sometimes I wanna hug you, sometimes I wanna push you away. Most times I wanna kiss you. Other times, punch you in the face. - Rihanna "Complicated"

           From one minute to the next. That's how quickly I can change my mind. One effin minute to the next. This is what scares me the most. That the moment I admit/make public what I think, I find reason I shouldn't have said anything at all. Maybe I get ahead of myself. Or maybe I overreact. Both are very plausible but walking in my shoes... it's all one in the same. The same feeling get stirred up. Regret. Shame. Embarrassment. 

      Part of it is due to my man ego. I grew up with my brother, primarily guy friends and bonded mostly with my older guy cousins. I vibe incredibly well with males. I don't like to be made a fool of. I don't like to be disrespected. I'm extremely quick to say "fuck him" and delete a number or two. It's that quick. If this doesn't work... I move onto the next. I mean what really am I supposed to do? I don't even know what the real issue is. Perhaps it's because I'm alone. Or perhaps its because most of the people around me are in positive relationships that makes me want one of my own. What I won't let happen is for me to get caught up in... anyone. I can't get dragged down. One fatal mistake women tend to make is to put a man above all else. To give him reigning importance in our lives. Even in our day-to-day dealings. I understand this if there is a serious commitment made, but until then... #YeaTheFuckRight. That's how you get caught up. It's hard. Very hard. To actually like someone and put them lower than you would have before. But it's my own defense mechanism. I don't look forward to anything. I don't expect anything. I know this sounds cold, but I just don't have faith in men anymore. I don't have faith in their ability to make me happy. To provide. To satisfy. To be... men. There's just so few that are the complete package. Not saying they don't exist... I just don't happen to run into them, I guess. 

      All in all, I appreciate having someone to think about. & At the very least, I am grateful for the material for this blog. It's just that you can feel sooooooooo good about something one day and the next day, absolutely detest it... And by "it" I mean men.  I just wish... I didn't read into things so much. I wish things didn't matter to me. That I could let everything slide off my back. Maybe then I wouldn't feel feelings that keep me up at night. 

      I don't like this dating shit. I don't want to get to know anymore fucking people. I tired of men. I tired of the groping. I'm tired of being called "sexy". I'm tired of Young boys who don't know how to speak to me. I'm tired of grown men who think they're going to "shape" me. I'm sick of having to tell someone about me, when really they should just ask.. or read my fuckin blog. If you really want to know.. I post my thoughts here. I'm not tough to figure out. I answer questions... Mostly though, I'm tired of broke men who complain about women wanting too much although they live in their living room and struggle to pay they own rent. These are the men I've come across. So please excuse me if I get excited at the idea of a potential for a real man. Pardon me if I get ahead of myself. I trying not to lose faith in love. I'm trying to hold on and believe that someone out there is for me. It gets tough. & luckily I can give myself pep talks. But it gets fuckin tough sometimes.

     But really it only happens are night... when the rest of the world is asleep. I'm not sure how much I'm missing out on. I'm not sure if a day of happiness is worth the 6 of fighting.. which is how it usually is. It's just that sometimes, while you watch people, even though they love each other... love is always better when other people are around. No one wants to make it look like they're having a tough time. But the simple fact that I, too, have put on the happy face in the worst of times lets me know that things aren't as perfect as them seem. 

    With that said, I don't even know how I feel about love. I'm... not sure. I'm not sure how much arguing is ok. Because I don't want any. I don't want to fuss. I don't want to fight. I just want someone to love me for who I am. I want to be happy. I've had samples of it, but I'm more interested in the complete version. I suppose I just wrote this to assure myself that if things end soon with You, I'll be just fine. As a matter of a fact, if things ended with you this very second. Or yesterday. Or the day before. I'd be fine. & I want to keep it that way. 

     Whenever I start feeling like this, I remember Jay's "Ma, Don't give him nothin unless he's treating you special" verse from "Show You How".... This is why I don't sex. Just imagine how imbalanced I'd be if I were sleeping with You. smh... 

Back to balanced. 

& Goodnight. 

Take Off Your Cool.

Got a sweet lil' darling back in my corner

Below I know I love her but act like I don't want her.

Surrounded by the lovely but still feeling like a loner.

Could be an organ donor the way I give my heart.

But never know cuz shit I never tell her

Ask me how I'm feelin, I'd holler it's irrell' and...

I don't get myself caught up in the jello jella

and the pudding pops others opt to call "fallin in love"...

But if you aint a sweety indeedy I won't endorse

Hans Solo till I'm hit by the bullets, obey the force. 

-Andre 3Stacks, Happy Valentine's Day

          I've thought about changing for You. Not completely... but the normal stuff. The way you pretend to be nicer than you really are when you first meet someone. It's funny how first dates are full of stories about accomplishments and each person's respective effect on the world. It's just so much... nothing. 

             God, I'm tired. There are so many games. I've played them all. Every role. The good girl. The Bitch. The Round the way girl. The college girl. The stuck up girl. The party girl. The smart girl. The mean girl. I mean, different men like different things. What I want the most... is to just be me. I want to be able to be myself. & think my thoughts without hesitation. There are times when I say things. Mean things. Wrong things. Inappropriate things. But I think that all of of that which makes us "bad" is that which makes us ourselves. 

            Must be tough to date a blogger. Most guys don't know I blog. So I get to bash them publicly without their knowledge. But the idea has always been, if you don't do anything wrong, I'll have nothing to write about. Since You might read these posts, I have no choice but to be myself. My truths are only a click away.I wonder where yours are. 

       People love to preach ideals. I am one of those people. In the forefront of my mind, I want to be completely open and honest. I want to let whatever man I'm dealing with know everything. So that there is no confusion. So that we're headed in the same direction. So that neither one of us wastes our time.  But then I wonder if maybe I say too much (which I undoubtedly have). But... one of the reasons I blog is so that I can figure out my truths for myself. The worst lies are ones you tell yourself. So I don't lie anymore. Not to say that I haven't I was a professional liar at one point. I was so good I didn't need to think about it. I could freestyle my lies, I was so good. But that inhibited growth and fostered a false connection. Been there. Done that. Not what I'm looking for. 

          I put myself out there. First, for the integrity of this blog. "True" and "Honest" are words I hear to describe my writing all the time. I can't sacrifice that. Additionally, I'm putting myself out there for me. I'm not hiding anything. I don't do anything I'm not proud of. I don't act in a manner where I'd have to leave out details. Even my dirtiest of escapades are done respectably. That's just me. & whatever I write on here, I'm not worried. I like the woman I am. And know that I make pretty good choices... at least now I do. 

           A Friend advised me to sit & have the conversation. You know the one you don't really want to have but probably should? The one where each person airs out their intentions and expectations? I don't want to. But I want to. Well, I blog so... I have a venue for it. More than likely, You won't read this, so, again, I'm not worried. Perhaps the conversation should be had. It'd be beneficial for both people to openly understand the other. But does that ever even happen? Even when the conversation does come up, how much of what you wanted to say do you actually say? Me? I sit, smile, shrug my shoulders  & look dumb. My answer to everything is "I don't know." I hate  it. But in the moment, I don't know what to say. I fuckin freeze. 

     The idea of going all in and putting your feelings on the table and watching the other person fold scares me to death. Maybe that's why people don't tell the truth. When you start off with lies, it's tough to go straight.  When you start something off the way you think it should be, you miss out on what it is. Then things change and you no longer recognize that person. I don't want that. I want to be open and honest. There are things I've done in the past I'm not proud of. I might do things in the future I won't be proud of. Hopefully not, but people should allow their significant others to be human beings. To make mistakes. To have flaws. To be less than perfect. To take off their cool. I want someone I can be me with. But I want to be sure that that someone is actually who they say they are. 

& I think You is most amazing when he has no cool on. 

"So you're telling me that our relationship has been built on lies?" asked Jenny

"Not all of it. Just the things I say," responded Bart (Yup, Simpson.)

Slippin on My Pimpin'

"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment." 

- Jane Austen, Pride & Prejudice

       I almost told You everything. I almost just gave him my world. This is how I know I've grown: I listen to how I feel. & Then I try to understand why I feel that way. Because sometimes, yes sometimes, it is an illusion. But sometimes it is not. So a girl has to decide. Does she think with her heart? Or think with her mind? 

 A woman coaxes them to work together. 

      You wants to know how I feel about him. The thing is, I'm not quite sure. Not because of a lack of things I like... it's that I don't know what to say. Or when? I have 7 unwritten posts with You in mind. They range from light-hearted and girly to brash and decided. I can't figure out where I actually am on the spectrum. I believe it's too early to decide. Sometimes... sometimes I really like you. Like when you say pretty things. You say the things I want to hear exactly how I want to hear them. On top of that... you look like what I want you to look like. 

Slowly: 

You says the things he should say, how he should say them, looking like he should look. 

This is dangerous. 

       Because I might not really like You. I mean... he's allright.... Well... very allright actually. It could just be that I'm attracted to him. & while that's... a very good thing, I don't want to be swayed his smile. It's happened before. I've been fooled by pretty men with pretty smiles that say pretty words until you pretty much forget the fact that he never calls. Men say things. They confuse us. The lead us where they want us to go (typically the bed) and then leave us there alone. You take pieces of us with you every time you leave. And somehow we fail to see that we're the only ones who ever felt something. Stupidly.  Not holding it against you. I'm just a fairly intelligent girl. I don't make the same mistake twice.

      So even though I'm diggin You, I can't allow myself to. You will have to work just as hard as everyone else. Don't worry, you're steps ahead of the rest. If you don't believe me, read "All Men are Created Equal." I've been keeping score. (If You reads this, I'll give him another point.) But, I won't let  him get anything I wouldn't give anyone else. I think women are so quick to make exemptions for men they're attracted to and that's where we go wrong. There are things I need. Things I expect. Just because I like him doesn't mean I have to cut him slack on the things I like. I like going out to dinner. I like movies (sorta). I like gifts. I like being entertained. I like to be spoiled. If a man I don't like will do it, I'll just be with him. At least he's putting in work. Point is, I'm looking for happiness. I'm looking for added entertainment. Like Miss Hilson says, "can't wait around for [just any] nigga." I'm just... too old in this game lol. I don't get caught up. It takes more to get me because I give more when I'm gotten. I'm positive I deserve everything I ask for. & I'm positive You has already noticed.

I know You didn't ask. But I have to let 'em know. 

       

***NOTE: This is why things don't seem to work out for me, I think. I'm too honest, sometimes. Thing is, what I'm writing here is what women wish they could say. We wish we could lay all the cards on the table and know from the beginning what is what. I'm terrified of what You might think after reading this. But hey. I'm thankful for a venue where I can be honest. At least there won't be any miscommunication. In person --and even via Skype-- I'm pretty shy. I can speak my mind to men when I don't like them... but it's tough to explain to a guy that I do like him. When you tell a man you like him, they do one of two things: Either they run, or they take advantage of you. I just don't know what You will do yet. At the same time, I don't know what I'll do yet.

When in doubt, I just tell the truth. 

        I'm going to ignore how cute You is. You have to impress me aside from that. You isn't around a lot. Better yet, he isn't around at all. A topic we have yet to discuss.  So You should be able to see why I'm hesitant to make up my mind about my feelings. I don't how they'll work in this particular situation.  Long distance doesn't affect me much (right now). I've written on it before --World Wide Woman and Far [Fetched] Love. What I think about You, is that he has potential. I don't know how to explain it and I'm not even sure I know what "potential" means. But its ambiguity is perfect. 

     I feel a lot of things. And no one post is going to explain it in completion. So, those 7 unfinished posts have grown to 12 while I've written this. You know that when you first start on a guy... there's nothing but questions for yourself... so here it goes. My life; Your entertainment. Ella's Thoughts. 

Click here for All posts about You.

All Men are Created Equal

     After all the boys I thought I'd loved before, I didn't know what love was. Until You knocked on my door. Keri Hilson, "All the Boys"

         Sabrina & I had a conversation the other day about the usual: Men. You know how, sometimes, you pay extra attention to one guy but he doesn't reciprocate? Meanwhile, you've got other guys pining for your attention? Seems like he doesn't realize how lucky he is. The feeling comes out a bit like this:

 "Do you know who the fuck I am? How fuckin lucky you are? Do you have any fuckin clue?"

           Everything in you wants to end that statement off with a, "You stupid mutha..." And you should. But you can't.  He's too cute. There's something about him that forces you to allow him to get away with things. The problem is, you haven't yet figured out that all niggas are the same.  I know some guys who get upset at my constant over-simplification of the male species, but... I mean... y'all are the same. All of you. Forreal though... bitches are the same, too. I'll be the first to admit. While I'm completely different from any other female, all in all, to a man who's handling his business and has his own life, I'm just another chick. As I should be. 

So why do we give more of our attention to one man over the next?

      All men are created equal, so that's how women should treat them. I no longer give preference. I play them against each other. I grant special privileges based on merit alone. When you first start dating a guy, you're getting the exact same thing: Nothing. The boy ain't payin ya bills, feeding you or clothing you (all equally as important). So what makes you choose one guy over the next? Looks. The hottest guy usually wins out.  Second comes the baller. (If you're anything like me, I'm more inclined to choose the cute/broke guy over the ugly Sugar daddy. Unless the Sugar -Daddy is decent. Then I aint going nooooowhere.) But since that's easier said than done. So what I do, is give everyone a fair trail. 

Here are the guys in the picture:

Guy 1: Him --> A guy I used to talk to

Guy 2: You --> YOU 

Guy 3: New --> The Cute New Guy

      FYI: Men, you probably think you know where you fall in this list. But you don't. & You're likely to shift overtime. 

        I put them up against each other. It's like my own private "For the Love of Ella" show except I do it on my own. For example, a little while ago, I got bored & texted Him. Simply for the entertainment. No Disrespect to You, of course. Him is just that guy you can call whenever you want an will give you all the attention you need. Problem is, I don't really like him. I don't want to hang with him. He's there for conversation (until the conversation gets stupid like it usually does). Anyways, Him used to take me out a lot. More importantly,  he used took me shopping. So whenever he wants to see me, he tries to put his pennies on the table. I told him I lost the scarf he bought me. (Zara's scarfs are amazing. I highly recommend.) He asked me if he bought me a new one, could we hang out that weekend. I told him I wasn't sure. I mostly wasn't sure because the conversation, like I said, got stupid and veered into sex when I wasn't ready to go there. It's what Him is good at: Stupid conversations.

      Then there's You. & I actually like him. We have good conversation. But there is no way I'd have been able to see him that weekend....

FAST FORWARD: I know I write a a lot. Later on, I take you through each of the tests, but I figure I'll let you read that if you want. When it comes down to it, this is what I'm trying to say:

     I refuse to give myself to a man who doesn't deserve me. Which is what women usually do. I've done it so many times in the past. When we sit back and think of the shit we've been through, sometimes you knew it was bound to fuck up in the end. I highly doubt that a man who loved and respected you in the beginning just... changed. Same goes for women. We don't change, you just stop accepting us for who we've always been. We do the same to men. We increase our expectations mid way through without warning. All of a sudden we want flowers and dinner when we never needed that before. People get angry and get upset and you fight, but you don't disrespect people you love. You just don't.  At the same rate, we choose the "sexier" guy over the guy who actually deserves our time. If you're lucky, the two will be one in the same, but most of the time it's not. Men are attractive. Some more than others. But we choose the man who would look best on our arm without actually thinking about who he  is as a person. Sometimes, we dont even like that person. We get so caught up in the physical that we don't pay attention to the rest of it. We don't get to know the person. Come to find out, they're ugly on the inside.

       I need to learn to balance the things I'm looking for. Yes, I want an attractive man. I also want him to be kind. Driven. Passionate. Intelligent. Well-Spoken. Well-dressed. Honest. Fun. Lively.... all these things. & sometimes, one gets clouded in the other.... even more often, they get clouded in my loneliness... in the need to just have someone around even though they don't deserve my time. The result of this is I just end up upset and more lonely as I wonder why I keep choosing losers. (The answer to which is that I keep choosing the losers.)

          The idea is to let every man prove himself against him competition. Let him show you why you should choose him over the next guy. And really make him plead his case. If he deserves you, there should be no question. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Plain and simple. Remember what I told you: No Exceptions. The Exceptions are just loser's you've made amends for. They're still losers even when you dress them up real pretty. All women are Queens and should be treated as such (if they deserve it, that is). There was a time when men would fight in the name of our honor. And prove themselves the most capable of love. In a relationship.. or in the beginnings of one, you have to prove that you've got what it takes. You're always up against someone else. If a man doesn't pay attention to me, the next man will and he needs to understand that. If You think I'm so great, what make you think someone else doens't see the same. You have to prove you deserve me. That you're the one I should think about & send Dirty Pictures to ;)

       Besides that, a man needs to be around. & sometimes it doesn't even take a physical presence. Sometimes a girl just needs attention. & in this day & age, you can fine someway to contact me. A friend of mine is in a long distance relationship. This weekend, I asked her how she does it; manages without the attention. Because it's hard. Sometimes all you want is company and that person can't be there. So she tells her boyfriend openly & honestly that she needs attention. Half the battle in a relationship is simply being there when your needed. You should be there when I need you. Sort of... Ashanti: Not always there when you call, but always on time....

You can stop reading now if you'd like, my point has been made, but the competition is laid out below because I wrote that first.

This is how the competition is playing out. Since I'm still looking for my knight in shining armor,  consider this a modern-day joust.  They just have no idea they're playing. 

_____________TEST #1____________

Him vs You

Him
Pro - Dinner. Movie. Possibly Shoes. Looks? Decent.
Con - He has a tendency to touch me & talk nasty. I don't like to be touched or talk like that.

vs

You
Pro - Entertaining conversation. Laughs. Looks like... Yes.
Con - Won't be able to see him. I'll spend the weekend alone.

The Test: If I call You, and he picks up & we have good conversation, he wins. If he doesn't pick up, he loses & I go on that date.

You picked up :) I haven't spoken to Him since.

You = 1
Him = 0

_____________TEST #2_____________

You vs The New Guy

New Guy -- I'd had a fling with him a couple years back, but he's still cute.  We had a good time then, not sure what he's about now tho. Decided I'd see what was up.

vs

You (again)

Test: I text them both at the same time. Whoever responded in a timely manner won.

They both text back at the SAME time.

I tried the same test a couple days later. The New Guy responded at first, but then stopped. He thought it was ok to ignore my text and hit me a week later. While You doesn't always respond in the most timely fashion, why would I agree to continue conversation with a man who outright ignores me?

You = 2
New = 0
Him = 0

_____________TEST #3_____________

Battle of the New Guys

New Guy #2 -Derrick Marshall. Met him at the club -- Game was agressive, but I like a manly man. Had him walk me out when we left. Made him hold my purse as I put my coat on ;) #points

vs

New Guy #3 - Met him at the same club - Young looking. Well dressed. Very fly. Kept pronouncing my name wrong, so I text him the spelling. (This is the guy my friends said is "cuter")

Both guys text me that night. They were even. BOTH didn't text me for FIVE days. & hit me last night. 

TEST: Who has more potential?

Derrick Marshall: Like I wrote about in "Rule #1: Never be #2" He has a chick he told me about. But I can potentially abuse him for all his pennies. Besides, I'd rather hang with a man who knows it'll take work to get anything from me. I like a man who likes me more than I like him.

Young Boy: text me back calling me the wrong name. On purpose.... Twice. I txt back & said "I really don't like that. Thank you for hitting me up though." He tried to call, but I didn't pick up. He's cute, not sure he's used to rejection. Too immature for my taste.

New Guy = 0
Derrick Marshall = 1
Young Boy = 0
Him = 0
You = 2

_____________TEST #4_____________

The Final Battle: You vs Everyone 

You & I hadn't spoken for a bit. The whole weekend actually. But I had had friends over to visit so it was pretty perfect

vs

Derrick Marshall: Still pressing on.
Him: Haven't spoken to him, but I know I can get him to bite if I want. He's always a txt away.
New Guy: Why would I even bother? Although he text me recently in response to one of my Facebook statuses. So, I ignored his bitch ass. #FuckYouThinkThisIs
Young Guy: LOL @ him.

Everyone failed. But You was failing, too. I had texted him earlier in the day & was hoping he'd text back. I don't expect to speak to him everyday... but I was wondering how many days is too many days? Meanwhile, I was getting messages from men I wasn't interested in. So I silently promised You one thing: If you call me tonight, I let everyone else go.

TEST: Can you be there when I need you? Better yet, when I want you?

Not only did You call. You Skyped ;)

You wins. (This round.)

**For those who kept reading or those who've been reading from the begining, I typically give the guys I'm talking to a name. You exists & he asked to hear about himself. I've got to figure out a comfortable way to write about You first... Stay tuned.