Ask Ella: Who Should Care?

   

  "I told her, that even though it's her birthday... it doesn't really affect anyone else. It's not a holiday. And that's what I said, cuz that's how I felt," I explained. As I retold it, it sounded cold, but sometimes facts feel like that. Are my feelings wrong if they hurt someone else's feelings? Or is it now that person's personal problem? 

"You probably shouldn't have said that," he told me and he's the only one who tells me the truth. I can't say that he was right... it did need to be said. It just wasn't nice, is all. Now, before I can have a conversation with a person, it feels like run my thoughts by a third party and re-adjust my real. "Don't say all that," Carl told me. But I fear it's the things you shouldn't say that matter the most. "I know why you said what you did. Believe me, I do," she wrote to me, 2 years later. "What was more upsetting was the way you went about it." I was too public. I should keep more secrets. I should tell people, privately, what everyone says behind their backs. I should watch how much I blog. I should be careful who reads this. I should remind everyone I've been the same mhhfcka since '88. 

              I usually feel like I'm the only one actually willing to have a real conversation. It's usually me staring blank-face at someone with my head tilted and asking, "well..." while they shrug and pretend to not understand whatever language I speaking in. Either that, or people sit across tables from me --or across invisible wires -- and try to explain to me how whatever they wanted me to do, I didn't do and that's why they're upset. We seem to have these scripts in our heads and expect people to fit neatly into them. When they don't we assume that person has acted improperly, when in fact... we might have simply casted wrong. I have less and less and less friends as the days go by, it seems. Sometimes, it happens like that. Sometimes, I prefer it that way. I went home last week and gave Kay K the biggest attitude because she had borrowed my sweater, but she wasn't home the next day before I left. I usually leave without saying a word to anyone, but I decided not to be fcked up to her. I was just upset she wasn't there. I was also upset I was thrown off my schedule. But... that has nothing to do with her and, in fact, really wasn't that big of a deal. Mid-Traffic, I had to pull up my message and sent by boo a sweet apology. She never tripped on me and that's because of the only reason we're friends, Kay K loves me. In the fashion of a true high-school love story, I lost my best friends the summer I met Kay K because Kay K showed me, in three months, love I had never felt in 13 years. The most painful lesson I learned is that if you don't know any better, you settle for the worst. 

            Most times, I'm the worst. Single me likes to ask why I'm single (along with single everyone else), and I realize I don't even give hope. I ignore the men who look my way. When they put on enough pressure to get my phone number, I cross my fingers and hope the conversation will make it 24 hours. I never want to see them again. They're never as handsome as they sound. I don't actually like "friends" or rappers who think rhymes can get my panties off (I'm very judgmental about rhymes & I pull mine to the side). I never know who thinks they have a chance with me and it usually ends after the third or fourth text message when I tell exactly which games I am not here to play. One one hand, I'm a completely cold, thorough and badass btch.

          Sometimes, I'm the absolute best. It's scary to be. As I fumble my way through the music, I've found that relationships and artistry take much of the same path --one learns and matures. In both love and music, I've learned what I am good at, what I need improvement in, what I aim to accomplish and the sht I'll never do again. In both music and love, I've learned that I need to give my all. Even if I feel like I'm not enough... like I might fall short, I give myself with complete confidence in who I am because... baby, I refuse to let that change. We're all such particular people, you can't count on the next person understanding anything you feel. In competition, this becomes an advantage. There are things in music that I'm willing to try... even if others are not. There are things in a relationship I'm willing to do, even if others are not. The story though, is yours. Or rather, mine. I've stopped speaking so much. It's true, we all have "flaws," but those flaws are determined in the eyes of others. So when you tell a person your story, you can't be sure what they consider to be a good or bad thing. That is your story. Not only does that person have no experience with it, but God didn't want them to. What do they know? People don't know anything, especially when they think they do. It's how people think they know everything about you if they know your middle name and favorite color.  

        The truth is, no one cares. No one cares about you, they only see the world through their eyes. They only see how it will benefit them. It doesn't matter. Keep being a good person. Still, take note of how people treat you. Not everyone will be as loving, as caring, as honest or pure as you are in your intentions. But when you realize that, give yourself a little bit of respect and remove yourself. You can cut these relationships when you are sure that you've done that person no wrong. Even more so, you can probably point out the things you've done for that person while they say over and over how they were your "friend". You don't have to wait for people to hurt you to remove them from your life, you should hope to be wise enough to know when that relationship simply isn't headed in the right direction. This isn't a cause for war or argument. You shouldn't expect anything in return for your love, but you deserve it. Everyone has their limit, establish yours. 

        Here's the real truth: I'm so tired. I'm tired of the lazy applause. I'm tired of people silently adding up the coins in my pocket, never taking the time to open my mail. I'm tired of people wanting to use me for the nothing I have. I'm tired of being underestimated. I'm tired of pretending like I have time for people. I'm tired of people asking when we're going to get together when we have nothing to get together for. I'm tired of people comparing themselves to me. I'm tired of being compared to others. I'm tired of people saying they love me but not enough to go to my shows. I'm tired of them thinking I care if they attend. I'm tired of supporting people so consistently it becomes so natural they forget. I'm tired of having to remove myself from the world to prove I breathe my own air. I'm tired of people asking me questions about boyfriends but want me to be locked up in their houses with their spouses and children for what, tutoring? I'm tired of people counting on me in their future plans like a human savings bond. I'm tired of having been depended on and not acknowledged. I'm tired of listening to people, they don't say much anyway. I'm tired of the arguments. I'm tired of "fighting" being the only way you can show you care. I'm tired of "happy" and "joyous" being awkward feelings people think aren't meant to last. I'm tired of people asking me what my flaws are. I'm tired of people thinking God makes mistakes. I'm tired of that "nobody's perfect" bullshit. I'm tired of soft gangsters and twerking songstresses. I'm tired of trends. I'm tired of being politically correct. I'm tired of having to take the entire world's feelings into account every time I speak. I'm tired of people asking me "what do you do?" instead of clicking my fcking links and reading a paragraph - you rhyme, but you don't read? I'm tired of people thinking I want to write about them and how they do the same thing everyone else does, for profit. I'm tired of people think I want to sit back row are their events and write on them --for free. I'm tired of everyone thinking they're the best out when you're just a startup and if you know anything about business, you know that 25% of you will fail in the first year - I'm going on my fourth and I still pray. I'm tired of hearing rappers rap about luxury vehicles they've never driven, posting videos of rentals on instagram while I named mine "Kim"; she's the all-black nightrider parked outside and we just got a n oil-change so she's runnin' super smooth, but I gotta get my tire sensors checked. I'm tired of female rappers being so proud of having vaginas they forgot to focus on their lyrics, and if they won't flaunt their own bodies, they bring along "friends" to twerk on stage behind them like it makes them righteous to have hoes. I'm tired of ignoring the fact that singers should be attractive, people have to want to look at you with all those lights pointed in your direction. I'm tired of closing my eyes during showcases to ignore everyone's bum ass kicks and shared apparel. I'm tired of all your crews. I'm tired of being more gangsta than 99% of men I meet, who usually spend their evening walking miniature schnauzers, and I don't date men who own poodles. I'm tired of artists who will tell you everything about themselves except about the children they created who are sitting at home waiting on them. I'm tired of people ignoring that rapping is rhythm and poetry, over a beat and infused with bravado. I'm tired of holding this writing degree under my belt like it's not my secret weapon just because, without this rap sht, I'm crazy straight.  I'm tired of people not understanding that I am in love with words and no matter who we string them together I breathe. this. shit. I'm tired of wanting to stop being great because no matter what work you do, people just want to use you and abuse you for it, but they certainly won't pay you.  I'm tired of people telling me how I should run my business, as if my alma mater didn't do a brilliant job and as if I'm not the dopest out. I'm tired of people trying to recruit me into their groups, client lists and beds. I'm tired of looking at chicks and thinking "ewww her?". I'm tired of having to give more than I get because that's the way Jesus loved, so I live my life in present fear that since I walk his path, they'll crucify me just like him. I'm tired of having to be quiet about being in love with who I am. I'm tired of having to act like love isn't all I want or like I'm not a woman and that a man shouldn't know exactly what I need. I'm tired of being the only chick who hangs out with the guys. I'm tired of that one guys who will never understand. I'm tired of thinking I might get along with these hoes, only to end up sitting on my couch with my puppy in my lap & Univision on silent reminded that the only woman I'll ever trust is the woman who birthed me. 

  "Whoever you end up with, I'll be so happy to watch it happen," were the last words I expected him to say. I get so caught up in my emotions of the world, I treat it all the same. I'm never really looking for involvement, but since I am single, it seems people (men and more women, lately) like to try their hand. When I turn men down, they don't know if they're not my type, if I actually do have a boyfriend, or if I'm lying. When they ask to take me out and I decline (or more often ignore), I usually question myself. I wonder why I don't go. Why don't I take advantage? Why don't I do that damn thang and get a bill paid? When I decide not to reach out to "friends" anymore... I think about what I'll do instead. What will my nightlife be like? Who will I party with? Fact of the matter is, I don't take advantage because I'm ok. If I pay all my own bills, and it's my name on the guest list... I guess I'm really ok. I could be doing better, but then, I couldn't sing Independent Women so loudly and proudly. If I wasn't so sure that, one day, I'll be a great wife and a phenomenal mother (which are actually my only true goals in life, everything else is money), I'd be hesitant to be on my Beyoncé. But... aside from my mother... I have very few role models.

       I'm tired of the fantasy in my head. The most stressful part of life is trying to get people to act right. Honor, loyalty, respect... smh. You wish. So partially, I've given it all up. It's not that I've lost hope or faith -- I love me some God --but I won't let the idea of anyone else (and what they are or are not doing) ruin my mood or my groove. I just know I have so much to accomplish in this lifetime. Mostly, people just distract you. We can be each other's most effective sources of inspiration or our greatest deterrents from our goals. The best partnerships in the world are the ones that uplift one another... that's all I want. Caring is obvious. A person who care about you cares about everything about you. Sometimes, they even care about the things you don't care about. We have to expect love. We have to, as much as we don't seem to believe in it. I'm still teaching myself how to truly believe. I run into the most problems in trying to "convince" people that I am who I am. I do what I do. My decisions are calculated and I can be trusted... but people lie... and what you have to do with your life, doesn't really affect them... so they don't really care what you say. Don't worry about them, and never mention them.

      I just had to get these emotions out. I hope, if you've read to the end, you've gained something. I'm actually groovy. If you know me, you know I do what I want... This is how I encourage myself *shrugs* Sometimes you just have to put your mind in the right place... first, you have to tell the truth. 

• If you wanna know what I do, click the following link - presidentella.wordpress.com
• My soundcloud is finally up:  Soundcloud.com/presidentella
• I'm currently working on publishing my poetry book. You all will see that first. 
• JWWWD Magazine will print in Spring 2014!!!!!!! I'll be editing the teams' first submissions next month, can't wait to read those!!!

Most Sincere, 

Ella

The Truth of It.

Sometimes you just wanna give someone a swift jab to the face. The reason is secondary, but the emotion remains. It's just so hard to deal with people. Always. All of them.

          The first thing people see is what you look like. I'm 5'2 I'm not mad at it. I understand --it doesn't disgust me any less. I performed at The Paul Robeson Theatre this passed Saturday, January 12th (watch the videos here). I made it to the building at about 9pm & walked into the most beautiful faces I know: My family. My cousins are everything I have (If you haven't realized this yet, read my previous post, "XMas Presence").  I have trouble asking people to come out and spend their hard-earned money, so when this passed show came around, I invited everyone with a warning. Unless I can get you in free, I don't "invite". I don't think anyone should. "El quien invita paga," my mother says. He who invites, pays.

       Our most fatal mistake occurs when we forget the extent  to which other people exist. We fail to see the completeness of their humanity. I don't expect support. Perhaps that's why I value it so much. I know people don't have to take the time out of their lives to watch me experiment with life. My cousin Jay has three kids he never forgets about so neither can I. My cousin Ed is the father of an Angry Birds champion. Aside from their lives as parents, they also have their own lives, careers, responsibilities, partners... everything. They exist outside of me and I respect that. I encourage it. We are individuals and need to lead our lives as such.

Missing Truths

              Perhaps, I'm too good of a woman. *Cue eye roll.* It holds me back, sometimes... Well, not me, but the person I truly am. I'm actually a lot of fun, but I do consider what those actions will say about me. Still, though, the other option to living simply isn't appealing. I don't purposely show people who I am. If we happen to have something in common, I'd love to have a conversation. If we hit it off, great, but if we don't... as is the way of the world. I used to approach this view with a much more "hood" state of mind and attribute it to the "F*ck ________, Get money," motto that was drilled into me. I've realized, though, that I don't need  to get along with everyone. There's not a real reason for it, but at the same time, I need not dislike anyone. 

30 Minutes of Truth

11:25pm

Let's see what I can do in this short amount of time. So much more than they think I'm capable of, I guarantee. That's usually the case, anyway. The thing about me is, I work best under pressure in a room full of strangers. You see, it's easier to take out people you've never seen before. Faces you can't put feelings to. Everyday I go to work, I feel like I'm ready for battle. I have to look better, dress better, think better work better. & work with some talented individuals. It's funny how people fail to see brilliance when you have too much character. They think the quiet girl in the class is the smart one, but really she just doesn't know what the fuck is going on. I was always talking. My work been done, Miss. If you don't give me work, I'll find something to do. It may make a mess, but I'm certain it's a brilliant one. Sometimes, my best prose is when I'm only partially here. So I only partially exist in your world. People require far too much. I can only be in conversation for so long before I start thinking of the other shit I have to think of. There's no time to waste. There is shit to be done. I worked 9:30am - 8:30pm on Thursday and Friday. (Obviously, I'm a fuckin' party animal.) Then, it seems I lost out on quality time because I work too late. That also translates to I make too much money. & If I don't now, I certainly will someday. I apologize if I've disappeared again but, when money calls I come running. When it's time to finish the race, I make sure I'm at the front of the line. 

The Truth: Can You Handle It?

"Just because you want the shit doesn't mean you can handle it." Jay-Z, Decoded, p95

       People think they want truth. But I'm unsure of how much an individual can actually manage.  I think I'm too open now. I tell too much. I used to lie. About everything. I was the most unfaithful, untrustworthy girlfriend any of my boyfriends has ever had. They might not think so, but I guarantee it.  But... the last time I fell out of love, I fell so hard, that when I got up, I was a complete different person. I fell so hard, I think the old me died. It sure as fuck felt like it. 

      There are things we want out of life. And sometimes, we're scared to admit them. Afraid of the outcomes. There's the possibility that you simply won't get that thing you've been working so hard for. That it won't be given to us. That we'll be denied. The only thing that hurts more than being denied something you want is not deserving that thing. Worse than that? Getting that thing and then fuckin it up. I have experience with all three. 

         When it comes to men, I used to make exceptions based on what he could give me. If he had no money, I determined that money didn't matter.  If he wasn't in school, I decided "everyone has their own path." If he didn't dress exactly how I would want him to, I figured "we all have our own styles." The thing is, all of those are true... but that doesn't mean they have to be true for me. Those are not my truths. Truth is, I want what I want. Like Jean-Michel Basquiat, I'm using my art to "communicate [my] truth" (Decoded, p95). This is just my life. & While the rest of you have friends to talk to, I don't trust anyone to understand me but me myself. & I don't trust anyone to tell my story other than myself. Because I feel like things will be left out. Incorrect. Misinterpreted. & Then it would no longer be true. 

     When it comes to this blog, I think I'm doing something that's never been done before. Sacrificing myself, not only for those who read this, but for myself. A martyr of sorts. I'm willing to put myself on the chopping block. I'm doing this so that I know what my truths are at all times. Sometimes in different situations, I forget the promises I made to myself. I forget what I said I would do. It takes me time to figure out what I should say in any given situation. How I should react. I write these blogs to remind myself of what I think. So that I don't slip back into the person I used to be: Angry, hurt, abused, misunderstood, self-concious, nervous, worried, unhappy, unappreciated. It's not like I was all these things at once. It's that like any other person, these feelings arise in me. & Even I sometimes go back and read my own posts and admire my own strength. In the moment, it's tough. It's easier for me to write to myself. I give myself the same strength I offer to anyone reading this. 

     Being able to tell the truth is 95% of the battle in a relationship. It's trust. I'm completely sold on this idea. The idea that relationships only fuck up once lies are told. If lies are told in the beginning, it's fucked up from the beginning. If you start lying, it starts fucking up. It's what lies do: They fuck things up. When you get used to lying, it is a huge problem. When you get good at lying, it's infinitely dangerous. I want to trust someone. With everything. The only person I trust right now is my mother. She has no reason to lie to me, nor I to her. She isn't afraid to hurt my feelings and I don't fear her. She allows to speak openly with her. Sometimes, I even tell her more than I should. In a relationship, there should be no boundaries. If you can't talk to a person about something, that something is going to eat away at you. You should be able to talk about anything and everything. From the meaning to life to if people who aren't religious get offended when people say "Bless you" after a sneeze. (That's a question I  randomly wanted to ask You but didn't because it was so weird... but that just shows me that I'm not comfortable. That I can't be the real me, yet. I'm afraid of what he'll think.)

    The truth is, I'm scared as hell. I'm scared that I'll end up alone. That a man won't love me for who I am. Either he won't really like me for me, or I'll turn into a person I don't recognize as I try to please him. I'm unwilling to accept either. I've got to just be me and hope that a man sees it and loves it. And if I end up alone... then so be it. 

    The reason this blog is coming up, is because You lost tonight. My weekends get lonely. And really, I don't expect much. A 5 minute conversation is enough to satisfy me. Honestly. I know it's a lot less than a lot of girls would like... but a simple "Just thinking bout u" text message is all I need. Unfortunately, tonight, it came from the wrong person. & Like I said before, if I write it here, I have to take my own advice. I  was hit up today by two guys I wasn't expecting. The biggest losers, actually (Not in the sense that they're losers, their both actually very, very attractive): New Guy & Young Boy from "All Men are Created Equal". Young Boy wants to "see me", which in my book means dinner. I'm considering next weekend. New Guy simply is back on the radar, I'm not sure how I want to handle him right now. I'm going back home at the end of the month, so I might give him a call then. 

       Problem is, I don't want any of this. I made my proposal to You in "Should I Invest," but the thing is, even when a man says he's going to do something (ie. read my blog), he rarely does it. He read a half of one blog and now thinks he knows everything about me. It takes much more than one blog to know my real thoughts. Today, I took my own advice. I needed attention, so I sent off a "Dirty Picture" like I told you all to do. & it did work. He did text back. He gave me a 9 out of 10 stars on the picture. So I sent him more to get my full 10. He hasn't written back lol. (Alright, I'm a normal girl. So, yes, that is very embarrassing for me to say. But that's what happened. Learn from my mistakes: send one pic & let it die.) Thing is, I had sent the pictures because I was getting attention else where. Attention I didn't want. So I wanted You to play his part and give me a bit of entertainment. But I'm not sure how much he can. I'm starting to reconsider my Partnership offer to him. I'm not sure he can handle it. & Truth is, if I didn't have this blog, I would make the exception. I could keep my mistakes to myself and pretend they don't happen. I could pretend You is perfect and giving me all the attention in the world. When I write it here, I have to face it. 

He's slackin'. 

     What people don't realize is that the moment you slack, someone else will be there to pick up where you left off. I promise. Male or Female. This blog is proof. So, Young Boy might have a Valentine's date now that I think of it. & New Guy should take me out for my birthday. I should be hesitant to write this all here but.... I really don't "give much of a fuck (Decoded, p55)" about men who are really only trying to put their penis's in side of me anyway. If a man who really wants my heart reads this, he knows that my heart is under lock and key. If You reads this, he knows that I've already given him the key. But he doesn't know is where the safe is. 

      I have no choice but to utilize all my options. Depending on how the next couple of days go, we'll see where You stands. For now, it's not looking great. So I'm considering other options. What You doesn't realize is that I can give him something all men yearn for. Men complain that they can't figure out how women think or what they're thinking. I literally give all my thoughts. If any man is out there wondering how women feel about a certain topic, I'm the one to ask. I can't speak for every woman... but this the best you'll get. & You? He gets the thoughts of his woman. Written. & I write the truth so brutally you'd think I soaked my words in it overnight. What more could you ask for? 

At this point, I can only think that maybe he would ask for less...Hopefully he realizes what's in front of him. It'd be quite a shame for him to miss out.  

     But... I'm not missing out on this date waiting on You to come around. I'll be texting Young Boy back in the morning. Hopefully You can understand this truth and know that I really can't sit around. & that if he keeps sitting around, someone is bound to take his place. For some reason men think we sit around and wait for them... wait.. it's because we typically do. I've done it before... cut off the world in the name of some stupid boy I thought would love me. But till the day You tells me he wants me to be his, and acts accordingly. I'm single. & single means, I get taken out. Well, I get "Lended" out. When I make a commitment, I down for the ride. But right now, I have none.  My schedule is open & I let You, New Guy and Young boy know that. Whoever wants to take up that time is welcome. But if You wanted it all to himself, I'd be ready for that. It's just that at the current moment, it's not feeling like that's what he wants. So I'm not going to act like it either.

 I won't be in something alone. & That's the truth.

   

Friend Request Pending

       

         On September 24th, I deleted a "friend" from my Facebook account. I also deleted the friend I had met through her and her boyfriend. I did it all during/after writing my post "Things You Shouldn't Say". In reality, we haven't been friends like we once were for almost 2 years now. Yesterday, she sent me a friend request. & It's still sitting there. 

        How do I explain to her why we're not friends anymore? I mean... both figuratively --like Facebook friends-- as well as literally. If it wasn't for this girl... I would have hated college. Granted, I had other college friends who did their fair share in keeping me in school, but this one girl gave me life. The more we hung out together, the more we looked alike, talked alike thought alike. It seemed as though we had our own language. We though the same things were funny. The same shoes were cute. The same outfits were stupid, the same dresses were fly, the same girls were ugly, the same guys were lame, the same drinks were pretty, the same clubs were hot, the same promoters were wack, the same music was bad, the same days were to get fucked up! 

       We were also completely different. I was Peach Martini followed by a Mai Tai, she was an Apple Martini chased with a Cosmo -- until the drinks got taller and the nights got longer and things just weren't the way they used to be. We no longer saw each other. And while this was both our faults, it seemed like there was no effort on her end to mend the loose ends. Unless, she needed some friendship or guidance... that's when she finally came home. Our biggest difference was that I couldn't see how she could go back to a man who disrespected her to such a degree... but to each his own. 

       Even after I held my tongue and made no further comments, secrets were told... well, only mine. My business was laid on the table for all to see --literally-- and I felt betrayed beyond repair. But the mistakes were mine so I decided to ride with what I got and let by-gones be by-gones. Since I still couldn't settle down a time to speak truths... and we were still warming back up to each other... I simply tried to salvage what we had and keep it moving until the time would came when we had to clear the air. But that time never came.

        Every time I saw her, I wanted to talk about it.  About what happened. I wanted to ask the whys and tell her how betrayed I had felt but the topic never came up and our lunches were only so long. So I gave up. I know that she's a great person... but I also saw that the biggest difference between us was. She valued him more than our friendship. I'm not saying this is wrong, but I valued our friendship more than any man. We didn't see eye-to-eye on that one. 

       As I looked at her name sitting in my requests box, I wondered what to do. Do I click 'confirm' and pretend nothing ever happened? Do I talk to her? What do I say? The same small talk bullshit we did for a year? I do care. I wonder what she's doing, how she feels and if things are okay with her. She was my friend (or so I thought). What if she's having a tough time? What if she needs someone to talk to? I would love to be her friend again, but I wonder if I should just let her miss out. 

      Even if we did try again... would I even trust her? She betrayed my trust, even though it wasn't all her fault. Part of me wanted to say "When you break up with him, we can be friends," but that's childish, inconsiderate and plain stupid. Still, it's how I feel. And if she does stay with him forever, I will gladly give  my congratulations... but I could only be a distant friend. Do I even waste my time? Do I pretend to be nice and talk about nothing? I'm tired of talking about nothing with people who don't know me. It's like having half a conversation.  Do I need another friend I have to censor myself with? Is that even a friend? 

       I'm at a point now where I'm trying to decide if I want to have half of a really good friend... or just keep moving as I am. Part of me wants to click confirm and say "WTF". I wish I could tell her everything. I wish we could sit for hours and talk like we used to. Forreal... there was a point where no one knew me better than this girl. And there was no one I trusted more. She was like a sister to me to the point where I really do miss her mom & dad and even the lazy ass cat. 

     We had some great times together. But I wonder are those times over? For good? I just moved to the city and I wish I has a pretty friend to run these city streets with. She'd, honestly, be my first pick. Am I to truly say "fuck her"? I mean, this is a girl who held a tentative spot in my wedding party. Should I take this experience with her to say that she didn't deserve that spot? Or that I didn't hold a spot in hers? Or do I take this friend request as an opportunity to clear the air and find out where we stand and WTF happened? Sometimes... friendship drama is more taxing than any other type of relationship. 

Idk guys, what is Ella to do?