For the first time ever, I sat at the table with my mother and my sister as an equal. You see, I'm 22 and still it's taken me a long time to even break into an adult conversation with them where my voice doesn't revert back to how it sounded when I was 4 years old. Most times, I can barley look my sister in the eye. Not that it's be hard, she stands at 5'nothin and myself at a whopping 5'2. Rather it's because I have that much respect for her (as you can read in "Perfect Timing").
In all honesty, my sister is my role model. So is my mother. For my entrance exam to Moses Brown School, when I was 13 years old, they asked us to write an essay on who we would like to be like. I remember I chose my entire family. I said that the perfect person would be a combination of my mother, my sister and my brother. This past Sunday, as I sat at the table with the other ladies in my immediate family, I only gained evidence as to why: They're crazy. I mean... we're crazy. I mean this in terms of how society has looked at us over time. My mother was crazy for having divorced her husband and never remarrying. My mother doesn't even date (but at 56, I'm thinking she might start --that's for another post another day). But you, the crazy people are always the most brilliant. They're always right & that day at dinner was no exception.
At the table next to us was a couple on a date. You could tell they barely knew eachother because the conversation was too formal. Too... informational. As soon as they got up, the family went off. "Those, two," my sister said. "Both of them trying to impress each other," my mom replied. "Neither one of them said anything really," I chimed in (cuz I felt I had to). "Tantas mentiras," my mom went on, "En vez de decirsen la verdad." So many lies. Instead of telling each other the truth. That was the first piece of brilliance the conversation provided me.
Why do we do that? Why, when we're on dates, do we just try to impress the other person. We list off the bullets on our resumes. If a person doesn't like you, they don't like you. If you have to impress them, then obviously they have doubts. If you have to prove how good of a person you are, there is nothing really there. Really, you should be able to talk about nothing. Tell stories. Relax. Not list off your accomplishments.
The conversation continued on and eventually landed on The "Man" I introduced you to in "If I Were a Golddigger." He had sent me a text message earlier that day, trying to pick back up on the conversation he thought had lured me in: Books. Now I love books, and I love an intelligent man, but I'm a regular person. ""Hi, what are you reading on this cold Sunday..." he texted. "Ewwwwwwww!!!!" my sister yelled out in the restaurant. "Why would he say that? Men are such a mess. When they like you, they're a mess. You see? I don't know how some girls lie to themselves and convince themselves that guys like them. When a guy likes you, you know it. Cause he's a mess." Brilliant.
**Note on consistency, when I say cuz, it's c-u-z. When my sister says cuz, it's def c-a-u-s-e cuz she's a genius like that :)
So here I was, having a good time and my heart sank. I looked down at my chicarron con arroz y habihuelas as I shifted my fork through it. Girls like.... me? was all I could think. I've written post after post after post about ______ and as I read back through them, checking my memories against actual facts, I finally realized it: He doesn't like me. If he liked me, I'd know. I practically begged to know the answer to if he liked me in "Generation Disney". I went through the posts about _____ only to realized that the affection wasn't really reciprocated. I just needed someone to like. I needed someone to take up that extra mind-space. I wanted to feel something. So see, I'm crazy, too. Because somehow I convinced myself that there was something there. But he hasn't called. & he responded to my last message about... 3 days later. If he liked me, he wouldn't do that. So I cleared that mind space of _____ to allow room for other things, like finding out the difference between wines. Like.... how exactly is Cabernet Sauvignon different from a Merlot? --The Merlot grape is less blue/black in color and is lower in tannins --tannins make wine drier--. Merlot also has a higher sugar content although it ripens two weeks earlier than the Cabernet. --Look, I'm doing more already.
So, when men like you, they're a mess. It should be easy to see. There should be no scientific research to figure it out. The "Man" likes me. I know this cuz he asked my sister about me. MESS. I know "Him" likes me because he called me at work today to invite me to lunch to "talk". When I said I couldn't go, he offered to bring me lunch. HOT MESS. On the other hand... when you like someone... you can just be you. You shouldn't have to pretend. You should be comfortable being yourself. With that said... both you and the person you're dating should like you for no reason other than that you are you.
It's not brilliance; it's how it should be.
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