My sister is 31 years old, married and successful. She's an attorney and lives with her husband in a recently opened condo building located in a prime location in Jersey city. She and her husband own two homes, a car and have even taken on new business ventures. They have a dog. They have no children.
Is she missing something?
Some people think she is. A lot of the time, when my famiyl asks how she's doing, they ask, "Is she pregnant yet?" That's all anyone wants to know. When is she gonna get knocked up? I don't ask. This year alone my sister has been to Dallas, Chicago, Panama and... Spain, I think? (She even invited me and my mom to Chicago.) She's been to all through Europe including Germany (which is one of those places I have no idea what to expect from but has to be awesome, no? ) Her honeymoon was in Thailand... Last week, my brohter-in-law was in Copenhagen, Hamburg, Stockholm and Berlin. They've been everywhere, wouldn't they know if they were missing something?
Some people think she is. A lot of the time, when my famiyl asks how she's doing, they ask, "Is she pregnant yet?" That's all anyone wants to know. When is she gonna get knocked up? I don't ask. This year alone my sister has been to Dallas, Chicago, Panama and... Spain, I think? (She even invited me and my mom to Chicago.) She's been to all through Europe including Germany (which is one of those places I have no idea what to expect from but has to be awesome, no? ) Her honeymoon was in Thailand... Last week, my brohter-in-law was in Copenhagen, Hamburg, Stockholm and Berlin. They've been everywhere, wouldn't they know if they were missing something?
What's the right age to have children? I'll admit. I've Googled the question to no avail. I've asked doctors and Jeeves and anyone else who could possibly answer the question. I've got nothin'.
Can someone just let me know? Let me know exactly when these pipes are going to stop singing. I'll manage my time from there. I don't want kids right now (I encourage all young Ellas to hold off --whooa Nicki Minaj, much? ha!) but the question is there. It's simply knowing that there is a point at which I may no longer be able to have children that scares me the most.
My mother had me at 34. And while many people look at her and think that she's frail, you're quite mistaken. My mother doesn't run around with me, but she does keep up. But then again, how many moms actually run around with their kids anyways? No disrespect to my friends but the argument to have kids young was always "I want to be able to run and play with my kids," but I don't see them doing much of that now. I mean, I can still run a mile. Can these young moms do that? I do and I have. If you're not fit, you're not fit... no matter your age.
Additionally, having a child is something I truly want to plan to the best of my ability. Like... how you're supposed to take prenatal vitamins for a year before you conceive. And how if you take fish oil pills your child's brain develops faster. I want to do those things. Financial stability is indeed important to me, but there are other things as well. Like, a healthy diet. Your diet affects your child and a "pizza, candy and Burger King" diet doesn't give a baby the vitamins it needs to develop to its best ability. I don't need to list the effects of an unhealthy, unplanned pregnancy (the CDC can help you out there) because it's fairly common knowledge. & I'm not all about the environment when it comes to choosing my food, but I'd go completely organic for a child if my doctor told me to.
The older I get, the more reason I gain to wait. When I was in high school, I wanted to wait because I was going to college and I admire those who can do school and parenting at the same time, but I really don't have that type of drive or endurance. While I was in college, graduation day was my reason. Now that I'm working, the reasons keep piling up. You're first job lasts you about two years before you move up. (I'll be 24.) Then, you have to be at the next job for at least a year before the maternity/paternity benefits kick in as well as the saved up vacation time (25). But in the corporate world, it take about a year or two to actually even comprehend your job and do it well, (27) then you have to do it well for another year to secure your position (28). While the timing I've just outlined applies to both males and females, females then have to think about more. How long will you be out of the office? Are you guaranteed to get your job back? The same position or a lower one? Is it the type of place that you can comfortably to be pregnant (all big & bloated? lol)?
But here's the kicker.... have you met that person yet?
What if I meet that person at 27? At 28 should I have a baby? Knowing this guy for only a year? If I meet him like... next week, that'll be perfect and he'll fit into my timeline. But it takes a long time to get to know a person.
My greatest fear in having a child is to have to raise it alone. I have picket-fence fence dreams that I am not willing to give up. "Life isn't perfect," my ex used to tell me. "Well, how about I make it as perfect as possible?" I would respond. I'm getting older and of course I'm starting to think about where my life is going and how it'll end up, but really, I'm only 22. I'm barely an adult. I know, I know, you're officially one at 18, but honestly who is? I know my friends and people around them think I'll never have a child. And truly I don't know if I will. I might. I might not. It's not that I don't want to... well, right now I don't want to.... but... only time will tell. And I have lots of time.
I'm thankful for college because it elongated my youth. I learned about how much more there is to do and how long life actually is. We try to move fast like life ends at 40 but my great-grandmother is well and kicking at 100 years old. When I turn 50, I'll start trying to make up for lost time... but then again, I won't have any that I've lost.
I live every minute for me. Its completely selfish but hey... It's MY life isn't it. I'm not ready to share it with anyone. Not a man and not a child. So while I watch my friends and admire the love they can count on from their children.... I'm not ready to change shitty diapers and I don't know how to make babies shut up. Those things throw up and pee on you. I'm not that kinky. I don't see any pleasure in it. Yet.
One day I'll be ready to have a child... wait.. Rewind. One day, I'll meet a man. A couple years later, I'll be willing to have a child with him. But first he has to marry me and buy me a house. And then we'll bring joy into this world.
I think my sister made the right choice. I'm proud of her and hope to follow in her footsteps. I trust her guidance because she has lived for herself. She is married to a man who has absolutely no obligation to her and he adores her, no strings attached. I see how he looks at her. When they have a child, it'll be beautiful. It'll be perfect.
and me? I'm ready for love... but not that much love.
4 comments:
I feel exactly the way you do! All I keep thinking about in regards to kids and marriage is timing. I know alot of people my age who have children, and they are so happy to have them, and can't imagine life without them. Although they may not share it with the world, I know that some of them wish they had waited...and when I have my own, I hope I won't have that sentiment (I've got enough things that I've done that in retrospect should have been done differently). But because I know shit happens, I will be nothing but grateful if I do have children married or unmarried because my biggest fear is not being able to have any.
I feel what you're saying though. This has inspired me to update my own blog :-)
In my opinion, the best time to have kids is when you're married. Not the moment you get married, but maybe a year or two after marriage. Think about it, you'll be with a person you're comfortable with, you'll definitely be financially stable with a combined income. Agewise, I would say late 20's, early 30's. Kids are the most precious commodity and a person should really have a gameplan when it comes to making the decision to become a parent.
@ Arav, I totally agree on having a "game plan"... but parenting, in my eyes, is one of the scariest endeavors a person can take on... especially since you have to also balance with someone else. Teamwork ain't easy. & kids are unpredictable... ahhhh life, huh?
@Dressed in -- Read your blog. (AWESOME btw) I suppose that is scary --the thought of not being able to have children-- because it makes you feel like you're not participating in the cycle of life. Then again... I applaud you (as well a myself and others) for not participating in the sped-up cycle that is all too common where many of us come from. I just feel like at 22, I shouldn't be so concerned with becoming an old maid.
Advice from my mommy: Live your life and you'll meet people who think like you. Then you won't feel alone anymore because you wont be.
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