Roses are Red, the Rest are Blue: Valentine's Day 2013

       "So, are you dating anyone?" My brother-in-law came to visit me at work. He wasn't fully there for me & that's why it was so perfect. He's working with a new magazine - galoremag.com -- and was officially on work, but he's never been the type to let work interfere with personal. He's one of my greatest inspirations. If it weren't for his confidence, I wouldn't be where I am today. 

       I haven't had too many examples of true love. My father passed when I was 9 months old & my mother isn't a big dater. I know it's bizarre that on Valentine's Day, I've started my post wooing over my brother-in-law, but part of the reason I love him most is how much he loves my sister. I met Nick when I was 11. I'd gone to visit my sister for sibling's weekend while they both attended Fordham. "Don't tell Mami I have a boyfriend," she said before I met him. "She wants me to just focus on school." My sister's not been the rebel she pretends to be --she just has the balls to if pushed. Like myself, she accredits much of her thoroughness to coming from where we come from. Unlike me, she was neither born nor raised there --it just happened to be her address. My sister left CF at 14 & we all know high-school defines you. Myself, I am a rebel by nature and by practice. That's why we clash. I'm the only one who can read her.  My sister's a tough cookie so, with the 13 years Nick has willingly adored her, he deserves a standing ovation. That said... the man with the strength to take me on will be worthy of a reward... maybe two.

XMas Presents/Presence

 

When things aren't perfect, we forget that they can be.

This year, my whole family couldn't be together because we couldn't be together. The individual reasons are important because they all exist -- each one of these reasons was big enough to keep us apart. Each of these reasons are to blame for keeping my from one big Christmas under one big tree everyone forgets to compliment due to the gross amount of gifts beneath it. These reasons are what I work against every day I succeed in opening my eyes. The worst part about tough times is that you fail to see it could be worse. & if you do understand it could be worst, it makes you insensitive... which could be worse.

I don't know what it is about me, but people love me. Especially when they wish they wouldn't. I've heard it attributed to my being an inclusive Aries, but maybe it's because I love them, first. I hate that feeling, when you walk in a room and you worry what a person thinks of you --so I've let that feeling go. Every time I walk in a room I smile. I'm me and happy to be such. You never need to wonder what people think of you, because you probably already know. We see our "flaws" the clearest --the defining factor is if YOU consider it a flaw. The things we think about ourselves are what hinder us most. Once you've given up on yourself, you've lost. I love me & I don't give a f*ck how anyone feels about it. & I don't concern myself with anyone else... so I have no feelings about anyone else. I be chillin.

Learning to Keep Family First.

         If you don't know how much I love my cousins, you don't know me at all. Sometimes my cousins don't know how much I love them, but they don't know me completely either. People (in general) expect you to be just like them, especially when you're "supposed" to be: if you've shared the same culture, upbringing, etc. The more you have in common on the surface, the more we assume we have in common when it comes to world views, values and methods of thinking. Then, even when we do have the same values, there is a still a chance we'll go about things in different ways. 

             My cousins are my brother. I mean that quite literally. My brother was the eldest of us, being 11 years my senior. My brother was fun. He was respectable, a gentleman, had an amazing smile and could make anyone laugh. I do this thing when I laugh (if I laugh real good) where my tongue rolls... well, I used to. No one can make me laugh like my brother did especially when he would tickle me, hard. My brother was my exact opposite. Me as a guy. I was just him as a girl. When I was 10, I quit ballet and started playing basketball --partially because I liked it better & partially because it was something I could do with my brother. My brother treated me like a princess and he treated whores like whores: Make you feel pretty, but how much do you derseve really? (He loved him a stripper tho lol) He taught me everything I need to know about men and their relation with women. I had a father for 9 months but he passed in a car accident about a half a mile from my house. 1989 was a tough year for my family, but I can't quite remember it. 1993 was worse. There's this little kid's book called, "The Night Dad Went to Jail." They haven't made one about Mom yet, but when a mother leaves the family, it's most likely it falls apart --even if it doesn't and especially if Dad doesn't exist. For two years, I had a mom, a brother and a sister... somewhere. I lived with a stranger in my own home. My best friend was a Black lab. I missed my brother most because he was the one who never wrote...

Thankful Livin' 2012

       It was a tougher Thanksgiving than I thought it was going to be. At the start of it, it seemed like everyone was missing. It was just myself, my mom, Duchess (my pitbull) and Luna (my mom's/sister's Schnauzer). I always want to be alone, but my mom always wants to invite people. It took her a while to grant me my selfish wish but... I'd never really had time with her. What was crazier was people seeming to catch feelings over that. Like I should be with them instead of my mom... or that I should hurry up with her... I don't know who people think they are... Where's the respect?

Letter for a Dream.

Good Morning Beautiful, 

             I can't get you out of my mind. I know full well you aren't here yet, but that's what they said about me, too. I wanted to take the time to congratulate you on existing before your time. I love you now as much I'll love you later. & Later, you'll have this to understand what's going on now.  Every time I think of you, my soul aches. It is your creation that is currently under scrutiny. You see, the decisions I make are yours, as we are one in the same. I am trying. 

        Right now, I am all alone. The path to you is yet to be found. Cultivating, I hope.  Everyone seems to hope this'll ruin me. As if the absence of us is because of the absence of you... but they don't understand. You are as much me as I am you. The future is a real as the present and a sure as the past in the minds of the strong willed.  I understand. I want you to understand: I have no idea what it means to be you. I won't know what you  need or what you want. The best I can do is give you everything I've wished for, all that I've attained and that which might have slipped my fingers. I want you to want nothing.  I want to give you everything so that you never feel you have to wander in search of what you have right at home. I want my love to be your haven. Return to me when the world lets you down.

& My Cousin Fine - 6.7.11

Here's the thing, I think there a very few women out there who are more of a catch than I am. & not because I'm self-centered. Rather, I value myself and understand my worth. & In comparison to a lot of women out there, I do believe I rank decently. But you, doll, are one of those few women. When we went out the other night, & you had the get-me-bodied outfit on, you looked good. Like... good. & I was so happy to be with you. Here I was, partying in the Empire State Building (of all places, although "rooftop" was what I was thinking initially) + I'd have preferred no one else.


I haven't had a girl to hang with in so long. I've got plenty guy cousins but I was missing having someone to drink wine and soak my feet with.


My cousin is beautiful, y'all.

Moving on: The plan is to tell him how much of a dog his is over dinner. Or maybe we (myself and my cousins) get taken out to dinner. Two very solid plans, either way. 

Nancy - 5.31.11

         I said something once to someone about how much I liked her. *shrugs* For years, I knew her name but never saw her face & rarely had conversations concerning her. Reason being... I never really had an opinion on her. She was my cousin's girlfriend. Then she was the mother of his son. At that point, I felt as though my opinion of her didn't matter. & not necessarily in a bad way... it just shouldn't. It's not my business what they go through personally. & perhaps I'm simply not that involved. Maybe I don't know the truth behind it all. But I'll say that when I'm with them, they look happy. They enjoy each other's company. & I admire their chemistry. He treats her like a lady. She treats him like a man. I don't know the particulars of their relationship and, frankly, I don't care. One thing I've said before is that I don't care much for being friends with my cousin's girlfriends. Not because I want to be mean about it, but because my cousins are family first. I'm not the one they should tell their stories to. I don't want to know what they do on their free time and their "shorties" shouldn't feel comfortable enough to talk badly about my cousins to me. I love gossip, but not when it's about people I care for. 

The People

It's the people around you who make a difference in your life --it's the people who, by living their own lives, enrich yours. These are the people you keep around.

Rock Out, Homie.

Trying to differentiate who to employ & who to tip. Keep focused on what other people are doing, you'll lose it all.

I could be a lot worse of a person that I actually am. The attitude that slips out (from pure aggravation) is all that's left. There is no iceberg underneath.

@i___MAC stayed the night yesterday. I was glad to have some company. & While sleeping in the bed with my cousin who might as well be my little brother isn't what most women desire when it comes to company, I closed my eyes with the simple thought of how much I appreciate having love in my bed.

November 9th, 2009

Christmas 2010.

Even though we aint ballin, feels like we bought it all. 

- Kanye West ft Cam'ron, "Christmas in Harlem"

          This holiday season was amazing in the most minute way. For the first time in my life, I bought Christmas gifts. I know, I know. I'm selfish. That is something I came to terms with a long time ago. It's a chracteristic of myself that I've held onto with pride, simply because I knew that people were just misinterpreting how much I value myself. Like when my ex called me selfish because I told him I didn't want kids at the moment (I was 17) because I wasn't done partying.  So... yea, this Christmas, I had 6 kids. 

           My biggest argument against Christmas is that people tend to expect gifts. In turn, children expect gifts. Those are the gifts I hate giving. I gave this year, and yes, I had fun shopping... but I don't know how next year will be. I refuse to give out of obligation. This year, I gave from the heart... More importantly, I gave from my New Year's Eve partying fund. Luckily, a bottle of Vueve Cliclot arrived at my desk last week, followed by a mediocre bottle of red wine (but bad wine is better than no wine at all) and I got a legit 80's dress out my mother's basement. When I say "legit 80s" I mean a dress my sister once wore to a school dance. & Please believe my sister WORKED the 80's (pictures after NYE!). Anyhow, hopefully everyone appreciates the dollars I dropped without having to. 

       If they don't, it doesn't matter, because playing Santa raised my holiday spirits anyhow. The gifts I valued the most though, were the ones for my sister and my brother in law. I got my sister the Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking: Volumes 1 & 2. My brother-in-law got Kanye West's five CDs.  And while swiping my card at the register did burn a bit, it felt good to see them unwrapping gifts. Especially when my brother-in-law said he liked my magazine-giftwrapping :)  --BTW those gifts came out wrapped better than the ones all the way at the top. I have to say, I'm one of the world's worst gift-wrappers. I'd just paper mache the gifts if I could.

         Sometimes, I just feel like people think you have to spend money on them to show you care. Like buying things is the only way to show someone you care. Sometimes, I feel like I should send my Godson more gifts, but in reality, that doesn't make up for my not being around. This summer, while I was in Rhode Island, I got to spend time with him & realized what I was missing out on. So... No, I don't regret not sending him gifts. I'd rather bust my ass to be at his birthday parties and whatever other important days come up. I don't want to buy  anyone. No matter the age. Not to mention, I was glad to see that he liked the parachuting Toy Story toy soldiers which were, by far, the cheapest and coolest gift I got him.  (Score! lol.)

            & The holidays were simple. Saw my girls: My ride-or-die, my new lil' son, & the bitch I can't help but to bump heads with but she completes me. My immediate family is small --Just my mom & my sister (technically, but then we add in my brother-in-law). Most people do a whole big thing for holidays, and we used to, too. In the back of my mind, I feel like maybe we should get together more with my cousins and such... but family isn't family anymore. My extended family is extended, and while I love them... they don't really have an understanding of the way things changed 4 years ago. Sometimes, we just want to do something small. Eat dinner. Watch a movie. No noise. No dancing. It's how we like our holidays.  Just us.  & I don't regret it. I wouldn't change it. Not that I don't love the rest of my family, but sometimes, I want it to be just us. The way it always was. Truth be told, I miss my mom. & My sister is my best friend above all my friends. & I don't respect or admire anyone more than I admire my brother-in-law... so the little bit of extra time I can get with them, I enjoy it. Thoroughly. 

       This Christmas, my family gave me my adulthood. My sister gave me her friendship. My mother gave me her trust. My brother-in-law gave me his respect. My Beotch gave me her (semi) forgiveness (we've still got talking to do).  My Godson gave me hugs. There is no monetary value in any of that. They were gifts that needed no wrapping. This year I realized what I really got. 

   The best gift I gave myself was autonomy over my heart --a gift that warrants its own post [Recovering Hypocrite]. 

      

The Men Who Like You are a Mess.

       For the first time ever, I sat at the table with my mother and my sister as an equal. You see, I'm 22 and still it's taken me a long time to even break into an adult conversation with them where my voice doesn't revert back to how it sounded when I was 4 years old. Most times, I can barley look my sister in the eye. Not that it's be hard, she stands at 5'nothin and myself at a whopping 5'2. Rather it's because I have that much respect for her (as you can read in "Perfect Timing").

  In all honesty, my sister is my role model. So is my mother.  For my entrance exam to Moses Brown School, when I was 13 years old, they asked us to write an essay on who we would like to be like. I remember I chose my entire family. I said that the perfect person would be a combination of my mother, my sister and my brother. This past Sunday, as I sat at the table with the other ladies in my immediate family, I only gained evidence as to why: They're crazy. I mean... we're crazy. I mean this in terms of how society has looked at us over time. My mother was crazy for having divorced her  husband and never remarrying. My mother doesn't even date (but at 56, I'm thinking she might start --that's for another post another day). But you, the crazy people are always the most brilliant. They're always right & that day at dinner was no exception. 

    At the table next to us was a couple on a date. You could tell they barely knew eachother because the conversation was too formal. Too... informational. As soon as they got up, the family went off. "Those, two," my sister said. "Both of them trying to impress each other," my mom replied. "Neither one of them said anything really," I chimed in (cuz I felt I had to). "Tantas mentiras," my mom went on, "En vez de decirsen la verdad." So many lies. Instead of telling each other the truth. That was the first piece of brilliance  the conversation provided me.   

     Why do we do that? Why, when we're on dates, do we just try to impress the other person. We list off the bullets on our resumes. If a person doesn't like you, they don't like you. If you have to impress them, then obviously they have doubts. If you have to prove how good of a person you are, there is nothing really there. Really, you should be able to talk about nothing. Tell stories. Relax. Not list off your accomplishments. 

       The conversation continued on and eventually landed on The "Man" I introduced you to in "If I Were a Golddigger." He had sent me a text message earlier that day, trying to pick back up on the conversation he thought had lured me in: Books. Now I love books, and I love an intelligent man, but I'm a regular person. ""Hi, what are you reading on this cold Sunday..." he texted. "Ewwwwwwww!!!!"  my sister yelled out in the restaurant. "Why would he say that? Men are such a mess. When they like you, they're a mess. You see? I don't know how some girls lie to themselves and convince themselves that guys like them. When a guy likes you, you know it. Cause he's a mess." Brilliant. 

**Note on consistency, when I say cuz, it's c-u-z. When my sister says cuz, it's def c-a-u-s-e cuz she's a genius like that :)

     So here I was, having a good time and my heart sank. I looked down at my chicarron con arroz y habihuelas as I shifted my fork through it. Girls like.... me? was all I could think. I've written post after post after post about ______ and as I read back through them, checking my memories against actual facts, I finally realized it: He doesn't like me. If he liked me, I'd know. I practically begged to know the answer to if he liked me in "Generation Disney". I went through the posts about _____ only to realized that the affection wasn't really reciprocated. I just needed someone to like. I needed someone to take up that extra mind-space. I wanted to feel something. So see, I'm crazy, too.  Because somehow I convinced myself that there was something there. But he hasn't called. & he responded to my last message about... 3 days later. If he liked me, he wouldn't do that. So I cleared that mind space of _____ to allow room for other things, like finding out the difference between wines.  Like.... how exactly is Cabernet Sauvignon different from a Merlot? --The Merlot grape is less blue/black in color and is lower in tannins --tannins make wine drier--. Merlot also has a higher sugar content although it ripens two weeks earlier than the Cabernet. --Look, I'm doing more already.

      So, when men like you, they're a mess. It should be easy to see. There should be no scientific research to figure it out. The "Man" likes me. I know this cuz he asked my sister about me. MESS. I know "Him" likes me because he called me at work today to invite me to lunch to "talk". When I said I couldn't go, he offered to bring me lunch. HOT MESS. On the other hand... when you like someone... you can just be you. You shouldn't have to pretend. You should be comfortable being yourself. With that said... both you and the person you're dating should like you for no reason other than that you are you. 

It's not brilliance; it's how it should be.