Long Distance Relationships?

I don't think there's a problem with long distance relationships. 

But... I do believe your money needs to be long as well.

CLICK HERE to read ELLA's thoughts on long distance relationships. 

CLICK HERE to read ELLA's thoughts on long distance relationships.

Anti- Broke N****s

        I'm tough to deal with. I live in some sort of fairytale that turns most people away. & the fairytale I dream of every night opens with a hallway full of mirrors and chandeliers. My dreams, though, turn to nightmares soon as I wake: Ceiling bare and walls too close for my taste. Not enough windows. Not enough air. Not enough space. I'm happier when I'm asleep. & in this terrifying nightmare of a reality, my dream home belongs to someone else. That should be mine, I think upon waking. And from there I go. From there it happens. All of my thoughts are punctuated with dollar signs. I construct mental blueprints. Plots. The possibilities change. There are deviations. I brainstorm. But the end goal is always the same. I want the money. Cold. Hard. Cash. Fuck what you heard.

What's Really Important.

       

I feel like I'm a hopeless romantic. I can't help falling in love. - Rihanna "Drunk on Love"

     All day, I prioritize. It's basically my job. At work, the essence of my being is to figure out what needs to be seen by who and when. I am the gatekeeper of all data. I answer questions. I find solutions. I integrate those solutions into our work in the most natural, artless manner possible. When I introduce these solutions, they are to appear as if they had always been there. Even in organizing... whenever I move things, it has to be sensible. Everyone should be able to find everything if they simply think. Art supplies are in the light room. Stationary is in my top drawer. Filing shits on the bottom. & while some people gain comfort and start to do things on their own, others take more time. My job is then to remind them -- as kindly as possible. Depending on who it is, I'll get it for them. If it's my boss, I've got it. If not, you have hands. Now, one might not have written that in the description of my job (I'm not just here to organize supplies) but every position you take in life is actually more than what it is --if you do it right. If you do it well. 

She Got it Made: The Gangsta's Wife.

Hold a Goodfella down; "Karen Hill" bitches. -Fabolous, Bitches.

  

        "So what are your plans? What do you want to do? I mean... do you just want to get married, have kids and have a man take care of you?" my roommate asked. "I mean... Eventually," I responded. I figure... its okay for me to want kids, right? For me to want to get married, right? So why can't I also want to be taken care of?  It'd be nice. I think everyone --male or female--would like to be taken care of if the situation allows. To not have to work anymore. It's the Hollywood dream, I think. 

        I love Goodfellas. For a multitude of reasons. Everytime I watch this movie, I watch it from a different point of view. First, there's Henry's story. But if you pay attention, for a big portion of the time, Karen Hill is also narrating. I mean... the story is as much hers as it is his. When I heard Fabolous's lyric above, I had to throw in the DVD and watch the movie again. I mean, it's true. Through it all, Karen stayed by Henry's side. Through the lying, cheating... and his prison sentence, which meant her poverty. We only get a half-view of what Karen went through. 

      You see, Karen was a good girl from the suburbs. Raised by protective mother with strong religious values. But not matter how "good" she was, when Henry Hill tried to stand her up, she drove right over to where he was and put her in her place. She was submissive yet firm all at the same time -- a balance I'm sure is difficult to achieve. You see, Karen tripped about Janice Rossi sleeping with her husband: She hit the intercom buttons for all the apartment's in Janice's building and yelled "You have a whore living in 2R. Rossi. Janice Rossi. He's MY husband. Get Your own God-damed man!" Karen really didn't play.

   She didn't leave him though. "Why should I give him up? Why should she win?" she narrates before the scene change where she's aiming a gun at Henry while he's still asleep. You see, Karen was a good woman... but Henry was a good man. There's a scene where they're both getting dressed. Unfortunately  this video only show's Henry's closet, but if you watch the movie, you can see that her's is just as stacked. [Beading & fur, baby... Beading & fur.] Then he drops her [*This much*] for the day so she can go shopping. If I had a man who could do that for me, I'd be on my Karen Hill game ASAP. 

      Problem is, most men out there want a woman who can stand by their side, when they have nothing to offer. Any woman with a brain wouldn't stand by that. I'm not saying a woman needs the world... but a little piece of it would be nice. A little property. Something. Men can't expect women to be on their Karen hill if they not on their Henry, forreal. It simply makes no sense. Same goes for Mia in Pulp Fiction who could have any man she wants. Yet, she doesn't jeaopordize that on her night out with Vincent because her man, Marsellus Wallace, gives her everything she could possibly want. You can't get everything you want if you don't give everything your partner wants. Like Miss Keri, baby, says "was looking for a man to hold me down. How I end up with you?" 

       Money matters. I'm just not sure neither Henry nor Marsellus would have landed the women they had without a couple of $$ to their names. & I don't think that Mia nor Karen are wrong for this. Sometimes, behind the scenes, a woman is the best asset a man has. I'm talking real life. Like Beckham with Victoria. I'm not sure how much she was making without him, but he allowed her the opportunity to start up the VB line which is sure to expand and make [sorry for the ghetto but] maddddd money in the future & she plans to hand the company down to her son Romeo. That's how you play it. You can't just "live off" a man... you have to take the opportunities that come through him and make it on your own. Truth be told, if I got me a rich boo ready to hand me some money... I'd pay these student loans off. First order of business. lol. 

      It's a new day, though. & Men aren't making enough money for two. But I still have hope. lol... I just think that today [in my circles] men and women are more equal than anything else. But someone has to be willing to sacrifice somewhere. "You gotta have a certain amount of money to do certain shit.," told my roommate. Like... when you have Kobe money... you're allowed to cheat. I'm just saying. A broke man has no say in this world. He has no privileges and deems no sympathy. I think this is because a man with money gets more attention than he actually deserves. So if your man has money... there are women out there who will be attracted to him just because of that. So.. he can deserves a bit of sympathy. In Goodfellas, we see the girlfriends Henry has, and really... we don't hold it against him. Except for Janice Rossi... cuz she just wanted the money. 

     If you get old and boring, you also have to allow more sympathy. Henry's girlfriend, Sandy, on the other hand, was... hot. She did Henry where he wanted, when he wanted, how he wanted. Wives don't typically do that... So if you're not going to give a man everything he needs, you gotta expect him to fail you, too. [See? I'm all about equality.] 

     So yup. Karen Hill had it made. But Henry Hill was makin it. 

        

Nicki Minaj - Pink Friday

       

     She's currently the most talked about rapper. Hands down.  This little lady's fame is rivaled only by the king of controversy himself, Kanye West. But when we talk about the female wave of rappers, Nicki has certainly staked her claim and made her mark. 

       Let me first say that I am a fan of Lil' Kim. Like it or not, it matters. For the younger generation of listeners, Lil' Kim is now just a played out "has been" as Nicki slyly addresses to a nameless target in "Roman's Revenge". But if you're old enough to remember the most recent wave of female rappers (including Trina, Foxy, Eve, Da Brat, Missy Elliot and many more) you know how hesitant I might be to hand the crown over to Miss Minaj. And Miss Minaj herself understands my hesitance. 

       When Nicki first appeared on the scene, I was skeptical as most. I was, without holding back, comparing her bar to bar with Kim who will , in my eyes, forever be the Queen. You have to understand that for me, Kim was the first female to stand toe to toe with men on a lyrical basis. The only female who could get on a track with Notorious BIG, Jay-Z and the rest of them and hold her weight. To absolute annihilate the track. I mean, think back on Kim's verse on "All About the Benjamins". I challenge anyone to show me a hotter verse. Hers was the best verse in the whole fucking song. So Nicki had a lot to prove to me over time.  I mean, I think we were all haters. I know I was and I highly doubt there is even one day-one Nicki fan. The girl is pretty and her looks have gotten her a long way in the game. Not to say that she can't flow, but image is a a more influential part of Hip-Hop than it ever has been. Nicki might be the most attractive female Hip-Hop artist we've seen thus far. Although taste changes with time... we all have to admit that baby girl is BAD at a reported (but not verified) 34-26-45 which is astounding if she's 5'2. & I LOVE that she's 5'2. The baddest bitches are all 5'2, ya know: Jada Pinket-Smith, Eva Longoria(used to be)Parker, Salma Hayek..... & yours truly ;) lol

        "Everything I try to teach 'em, the gonna see it in time" in the appropriately titled "I'm the Best" which just so happens to be track #1. She's come into the game strong and not only made her mark in the eyes of those within her Young Money camp, but respected lyricists like Mr. West & President Carter as to have been featured with them on West's single, "Monster" (& she ripped the verse, might I say). Minaj also features Mr. West on her debut album in  "Blazin'" where she attacks the beat furiously as she busts a BustaBust-like flow, addressing the situation I just described with charisma and a talented, playful way with words: 

How could it be little me

had the power to be

the best B in the league. 

Yea, inevitably.

But could it be?

Little me  you was heckling me?

Now its monotony 
when I regularly 
appeal?

I catch wreck on recreation. 

So I exceed all your expectations.

Bitches aint got it in 'em. 

I kill 'em and then I skin 'em. 

The contact was signed

but I am the addendum.  

       You either love or hate her & her Barbie movement. But if you hate it, it might simply be that you don't understand. 

The whole album is crack

you aint even got to skip a track

I aint gotta get a plaque

I aint got to get awards

I just walk up out the door

all the girls will applaud

all the girls will commend 

as long as they understand 

that I'm fighting for the girls

who never thought they could win

cause before they could being 

you told them it was the end

But I am here to reverse 
the curse 
that they live in. 

        I've mentioned this ordeal before in my post Black Barbie: The Baddest Barbie in the World, the unfortunate circumstance that throws young Black girls into a state of self-loathing because of their skin color. We are typically considered the bottom of the bucket and the prettiest of us are usually lucky enough to be "pretty for a black girl." No matter how you phrase that, it always hurts. Like we can only be but so beautiful and our skin color is holding up back from this other level of attractiveness that we can't seem to reach. That's bullshit and I applaud Nicki Minaj for being a sista (although she is a phtoshopped and lightened version) and holding it down for the rest of us. Like she says in "Fly" ft. Rihanna (reviewed Rihanna's Loud too, check it here)

Everybody wanna try to box me in.

Suffocating everytime it locks me in.

Paint they own pictures, then they crop me in.

But I will remain where the top begins.

Cuz I am not a word. 

I am not a line.

I am not a line.

I am not a girl that can ever be defined. 

I am not fly; 

I am levitation. 

I represent an entire generation. 

     The generation she speaks of is that of a multitude of girls (and women, even) who need a voice. We've been silent for so long. It's been so long since we could stand side by side with men and hold our own (in the Hip-Hop world that is). There haven't been many songs we could sing along to and exert as much passion and strength as our male counterparts can. For the older "Barbies", it's been a while since someone gave us an anthem to to sing to. For the younger Barbs, they finally have someone to call their own. 

     There is a smidgen of humanity in this album that I'm looking forward to hearing more of. We barely know Nicki. This album has shed a beam of light into a very dark hole. But there are still dark corners in there we have yet to see. The song that speaks the most truth and gives further understanding into the ugly beauty of Barbie World is "Dear Old Nicki," where she literally speaks to the girl she used to be. I'm going to insert the verses here because I think it's important that you read what she's saying. I'm afraid there are few people listening to her. I know how that feels, it happens a lot to black girls. 

Maybe you died 

Cuz everybody ask me where you at

I try to channel you in hopes that I can steer you back

But it's like very intersection, we just missed eachother

you got your fans waitin.

Tell me you aint 6 feet under. 

And tell me that you coming back. That you just took a break. 

Maybe I blamed you for everything. 

That was my mistake. 

In hindsight I loved your rawness & I loved your edge

Cuz it was you who talked me down from jumping off the ledge.

Your earrings bamboo. Your long nails, too. 

Your BMW every time you came through.

You was the braveheart.

You stole Wayne's heart.
You never switched it up. 

You played the same part.

But I needed to grow and I needed to know.

Were there was something inside me that I needed to show. 

So I just deaded you. 

Left you in all black. 

But damn, old Nicki, please call back. 

[Chorus]

You Told Me You’d Come When I Needed You
And You Said It So Sweetly I believed you
But Im Standing Here Calling I Cant See You
But I Am Holding You, Holding You, Holding You To That

Yo, I did chase the glitz and the glamour, money, fame and power?

Cuz if I did, that will forever go down my lamest hour.

I shoulda kept you with me, getting at them nameless cowards.

They was no match for you. 

Couldn't defeat your prowress. 

I had to make them changes. I hope you understood. 

You see, for every bad, I did a ton of good. 

But you was underground. 

And I was mainstream. I live that life now that we would daydream

My only wish is you come enjoy it with me.

Get on them conference calls. Go meet them lawyers with me.

The money came, yea. I tripled and quadrupled it. 

But I still miss us when we was on some stupid shit. 

But it's still fuck the media.

They ridiculed you, never believed in ya.

They just deaded you. Left you in all black.

But... Dear, old Nicki,

Please call back. 

      I'm not sure we understand what these artists are going through as human beings. I touched on this a bit in my post "For the Love of Hip-Hop." These artists feel alone. They are the constant targets of hatred and envy. That last song from Nicki is the best I've ever heard an artist explain the image change one goes through when shifting from nothing to something. Especially as a black female, you're asked to change yourself at every turn. On her old stuff (and those old pictures) Nicki's image was a lot louder... a lot raunchier. Not sexy... more trashy. Now she's begun to go over into a more elegant and tasteful sort of sexy that I hope continues to evolve and  demand more respect. I understand her and her torn relationship with herself. How many of us also grow up with an "if anybody says anything to me" attitude, ready to fight at the club and "always down" attitude, the honestly gets you no where and holds you back. This tough exterior isn't completely an exterior, it becomes who you are and as violent and ill-concieved as it may be, it is what makes you strong. It's what guides you through and helps you survive goring up in certain places. It's what "Talk[s you] down from jumping off the ledge."  

      Nicki is very... very alone. There are few females out there right now (making money) that she can confide in. Most people making money in her industry, who share he mind-frame and upbringing are men. And the women out there making money probably haven't seen or gone through all the things that's she's gone through. Still, this album chronicles a "Moment 4 Life" that she'd definitely want to have on repeat. Nicki is a super pretty bitch now, but she wasn't always this girly, sex symbol with pink lipstick. But one thing can be said: She made it. Success is the ultimate aphrodisiac: "This moment just reminded me of everything they deprived me of. Put your drinks up. IT's a celebration everytime we link up. We done everything they could think of. Greatness is what we on the brink of," she flows in "Moment 4 Life" Ft. Drake. This girl is living life and for any Ella, Barbie, women girl or whatever you would like to call yourself who feels like she's in her prime, Nicki has hits you'll definitely want to listen to, cuz she's the only bitch doin it how it should be done: "Bitch, I get money so I do what I pleases. I live where the muthafuckin pools and trees is. Broke bitches so crusty. Disgust me. Gave the bitch a ride, got the continental dusty... couple wet wipes case a bum try to touch me. Ew!" She's really a funny, bitch y'all. lol. That's entertainment. 

     Overall, I wasn't blown out the water, but I was entertained.  Nicki has started to hang with what I will call the "right" group of people (The Jays and Kanyes) and I hope their genius rubs off on her. She's capable of deeper contemplation that this album put out. I think she needs to do more studying. More reading. She needs to educate herself about the world around her and find more to talk about. With this, not only will her content grow, but the quality of her writing. Nicki says some cool, witty stuff (like "I am not fly; I am levitation"), but there are certain phrases that can be phrased better. With better vocabulary for example. Her rhymes are too simple for my taste. She needs to develop as a writer. For example, I liked the "addendum" metaphor in "Blazin'" and I really wanted more of that.

     I think Nicki has more to say. This was a great start for her as an artist versus a pop star. I look forward seeing Nicki grow and say the things she wants to say without hesitation. I want to know how the real Nicki thinks. I want more verses like those in "Dear Old Nicki," and "Fly" that express emotion and elicit thought. Dear new/old Nicki --whoever is there --you're the only voice we have at the moment. I hope you continue to speak for us and use it wisely. To all of our advantages. 

Great start, Nicki. I'm looking forward to more.  

 Oh, & until she can stand toe-to-toe with the likes of Erykah Badu and Lauryn Hill, Nicki Minaj is not the best female rapper. If you disagree, seems to me you haven't heard much music in your time. Sorry,  Nicki, but you can't have that title just yet, baby girl --if at all. Only time will tell.

You Gotta Pay to Play.

 Standing on my monopoly board. That means I'm on top of my game. Eminem, "No Love"

       "You only think this food is good because it's expensive," he said from across the table. He was half upset that I picked this place out for our Valentine's day dinner. I'd made it a point to get a good dinner out of him since he was so bent on being cheap. When I was with him I pretty much had to "save up" my points and prove I deserved to be taken out to dinner. Special occasions and holidays. He was more like a stingy parent than a boyfriend.

       So I decided that if he was going to act like a parent, I was going to treat him like one. You know how you buy the affordable stuff for yourself, but you ask your parents for the things you can't afford? Especially while you're in college. Normal college kids don't go out to eat or eat a full, nutritional meal until your parents come to visit for Parent's Day Weekend. If you're not familiar with Parent's Day Weekend, it's like Thanksgiving in college --food and family-- except you don't have to go home. If you're a female, you have a second source for meals: Men. I made us reservations at Mama's on the Half Shell. They don't have a website, but if you click that link, you'll see that this place is top rated. I mean, top 10 at times because the food is that good.  It's really not that expensive though. I mean... my meal always is because I'm the type of girl who orders a steak, medium well with lobster tail on top. Plus an appetizer. And a drink. And a juice. And a desert. And the place isn't fancy. There's a hardcore bar with flat screens that play nothing but  ESPN  and art littering the wall. No need to dress up for this place.  But the food really is good. They have these potatoes skins with lump crab and cheese on top. If you can have these on the regular, you don't need sex. Honestly.

         In New York City, price matters more than anything else. You really do get what you pay for even if the prices are outrageous. IT's just that, here, "cheap" has a different definition than it does anywhere else. The first way you learn this fact about The Big Apple is when you take on the task of looking for places. Simply put, THE RENT IS TOO DAMNED HIGH. You have to be blessed to find a studio in the city for under $1000. Those who know me, know I'm fond of the word "thousand", but I'm not quite prepared to pay that in rent. For $1180 a month (heat, hot water & electric included) I can get this view:

       Now isn't that worth it? It's not the greatest angle... and that's not my real apartment so, feel free to judge. But I'm not from here. They say flashing lights ain't for everybody... but they're for somebody. I'm not going to lie, I'm just excited to be here. In this city. Where I can listing to Hot 97 at any given moment and the subway (as dirty as it might be) will take me anywhere my heart desires. Sometimes, it feels like I'm bragging about it but... it's only because already feel like "Mama, I made it." I'm not going to get a head of my self, and believe me, this place isn't anything fancy and I'm certainly not a baller. It's in Harlem. 145th & Lenox. Not the greatest area. But there's something about moving to New York that seems like the beginning of a really good movie (I wonder which one...wink wink!).

      Thing is, where I'm from, nobody leaves. I remember I was in the 8th grade and had just been accepted to Moses Brown School --the best worst thing that ever happened to me. I was sitting in Geography/History class (you know a school system is broken when you have to combine courses) when this lady (she was an aid for the handicapped kid in our class) asked me why I was going to Moses Brown instead of Central Falls High School. "I went there," she said. All one really needs to do it click those links to see why I'd chose a leading private school over a failing public school to see why. When she asked me why though all that went through my mind was, "I don't want to be like you." Let me just say there are some Central Falls High graduates who are doing/will do much better than I am. But there are a small selection. My own sister is one of those people. But it takes a certain type of personal and relentless vigor to push yourself through a system like that and I'm sure the select few will agree with that. I didn't have that in me. I couldn't push the school. I needed my school to push me.

      My education has made me more valuable. Technically, I've been paying college tuition for the past 8 years.  I've cost $27,000 a year from 2002-2006 and $38,000 (plus $9,600 room & board) from 2006-2010.  I mean, I'm worth $298,400 at least. I just had lunch with my cousin and as I replayed all the things I was saying to myself... I sound like a pure bred gold-digger. But are Louis Vuitton pumps golddiggers? I mean, this LV wedge boot won't quit staring at me and saying $1,230. I don't do that. Or do I? Well I don't huff and puff at the price tags on certain things because I know that the quality of the product will be better. The better a product is made, the more the company has to charge you in order to cover costs. The more they charge you, the better the product because, now, the customer has a right to complain. Listen, I'll be god-damned the leather starts to peel on some LV pumps & don't let them hurt my little toe.  

      I'm worth the expense, too. There's been a lot of time and money put into this product (Ahem! ME!). For all the work I've been into myself, companies will get a solid worker with experience and capability. Likewise a man will at least get a highly educated woman who is doing well for herself. At least he won't have to take care of me (unless he wants to). But the same way you need to get your shoes shined and you purse cleaned everyone once in a while. Or how a car needs a tune up and a wax job. I'm also in need of maintenance. I at least need my hair and nails did. I think man should be willing to do that. I tried to get my ex (same dude mentioned above) to kick in for the hair expenses. "If you look like this, I'll pay for you to get your hair done every month," he said with fingers in my hair. I had just gotten my hair blow out by (the very rare) Dominicans in Baltimore. I won't front, he kicked in to get my hair done after that... ONCE. What happens when you stop getting your oil changed? When you stop shining those shoes? When you don't rotate the tires? When you keep your purse on the floor? You ruin the product. You didn't maintain. Your car blows up. Your purse falls apart. Your girl leaves you. 

      "You gotta just do you," my cousin said to me today. "Man, I'm trying marry me a Giants player," I responded. I alway pick the local team to make my gold-diggeing seem a little more feasible. In Baltimore I wanted a Raven, while in Rhode Island I just wanted to leave the state because we have real no team of our own.) But I'm not focused on men. I assured my cousin of that as I tried to assure myself. I'll admit, I get lonely in this big city. And I really just want someone to take me out to see the flashing lights. Have you ever watched fireworks alone? I have. There's nothing more solitary in the world. There's not a single action that can make you realize how alone you are more than to watch explosions in the sky when your heart is barely beating. 

      You might all read these posts and think I'm cold hearted. Part of me is. Like I said today, I have no remorse. I will spend ALL of a man's money if he lets me. Because his heart and his money shouldn't be the same thing. The this is with "Him" is that he allows me to play with his money but somehow doesn't let me play him. I like that. Because money is nothing and everything all in the same breath. If a man won't share his money, will he share his heart? And how much of his heart is on the table if he can't even put up the starting bid? 

      I'm looking for high-rollers, baby. Men who understand the stakes and know that bets at this table are approaching commas. No one holding a winning hand should be afraid to go all in. I don't barter with bluffers. That's why I've raised the stakes and uped the ante. He's got to either call or raise. But I always raise. Either a man has enough chips to bet. Or he doesn't. There is no in between.  If a man is unwilling to put up and invest, you might want to rethink being his partner. He might have a losing  hand. 

We all play games. My game is just better.