Since You Checked Back In.

You don't just get up & leave & leave me sick like that. Jay-Z "Song Cry"

       I tweet now. More frequently than I used to. I think I've got my "groove" or... my "voice" (to sound a bit more reliable). I tend to speak on the same topics all the time, though: Men & Success. To make that sound more reliable, my personal life vs my professional life. These are the two areas which, if represented as rooms, would have "Under Construction" signs hanging from the door. I've got some moves to make, man. Thing is, each part is just as important as the next. I think I've got everything else settled. I'm not worried about friends. My friends and I are in an excellent place. I know who I can talk to about what. I know who my friends are  and who they are not. I'm not worried about my family. We're all doing good. My relationship with each of my family members, I  think, is solidified. They all know I love them beyond compare and there we stand. The only things left to figure out are... money & love. 

      I wanted to be engaged in 2 years. I know, I know. That's super soon but here's how I see it. I'd like to be "emotionally stable" in 2 years. Like... done dating. Or at least dating very seriously. If it doesn't happen by then, perhaps it'll take me an additional 2, 3 or even 5 years. But by that time, I'll be 30. Imagine if I started thinking about marriage at 30? That gives me too little time to decide what I want & how I want it done. Too little time to focus on a man as if  he is my husband and get my heart & mind in the correct place to be able to be with him. So... if I want to get married (I've decided), I better  fuckin' act like it. Not to say the man I'm dating now is going to be the one I marry... or that I'll marry the first person to propose, but that when the time comes, I'll be ready for it. I think it's ridiculous to think that you'll get married right after you being to think about it. Granted some people don't think about it & it all takes place at the right time. Some people think about it forever. I'm not saying that my time schedules work. Perhaps they aren't even realistic, but in order for me to strive towards a goal, the goal has to be clear and solidified. I wrote None of Your Friends' Business after a reader commented on one of my blogs that I'll "never find a real man." To tell the truth, it hurt me more than it upset me... or maybe it upset me more... the true, truth is that I didn't know how to feel. I felt like... she's a hater. lol. 

    Thing is, I'm really not at a loss for men. This is where the "tweeting" comes back into play: I tweeted the other day that I'm not having trouble finding a man, I'm having trouble deciding which one is best to pursue. Lately, I've stayed away from my personal business because I wanted to see how it all played out. I've written about my dates (That's What I Get) but I haven't quite filled you all in. Remember, You? From Should I Invest? Or even ______ from posts like The Love Drug (and plenty others here)? See, both of these guys were --and perhaps even are-- prime picks. Thing is, they aren't ready for me. In the story of life, I'm living ahead of them. They're in school and/or far away and it's tough to build something at a distance. You did a much better job than _____ did, but... they're both hot. So I date. Often. Without regard. I don't "chill". I don't have people come over & watch a movie. I don't go over so we can "talk and smoke some weed." I don't want to do it. If a man can't entertainment while we're out --with all that additional entertainment --how's he going to do it all alone? With no help? No sirloin a la something? No creme brulee? 

     So I've turned to taking suitors. Anyone who wants to take me to dinner? I let them. I get to know them all. I give them a fair chance. Granted, I know from the beginning if it'll work out or not, but I'm there to enjoy the company. There was a time when men knew that women had multiple suitors and they had to prove themselves against the rest if they really wanted her. At the same time, she (and her family) had to think about which one of these men/applicants was most fit for the position of being her husband.  Now that I've taken on a new suitor, I've had to weigh my options. I've had to think, is this the right choice for me? Is he the one? I know it's unrealistic and sometimes detrimental to ask questions like that in the beginning stages of a relationship... but I really am easy to love. & I can make things work. Men want to be treated a certain way. They like to do certain things. & not to toot my own horn (how corny is that saying?) but I'm one hell of a girl. Why Wouldn't they Love Me? 

      So while I am having one hell of a time with the guy I'm dating now, I still wonder. Will things someday turn around and give me another run at You or _____? Part of me feels badly for this. Perhaps I should forget them both, along with all the other miserable bastards I've wasted time with but I would never keep someone around who didn't have potential. These boys had it. Each in his own right. It's simply up to me to determine what kind of life I want to live. What kind of man I want. But it's unfair for me to have to decide without trying them out. I never dated _____ formally... like as an adult. Like a real date. I truly believe that when he's older, stable and financially capable, he'll be one hell of a date and a genuine man. You, I've never dated at all. But I'm certain he's fun & entertaining and an absolute sweetheart. & not for nothing, but all three of these men are degree'd (or soon to be) and driven. I can't ride with a man who has no drive. 

        The question I've had for myself is how to handle this all. Should I do nothing and wait on my prince charming to sweep me off my feet? Or will they understand that it's tough to be a new New Yorker? And if I am as great as the game me to be,  don't you think someone else will see that, too? Now I'm willing to be on standby while we all figure our lives out, but how long can that really be? And do I have to be lonely the entire time? Now, that's not to say I'm out there running the streets, but a girl needs a bit of company. & since I don't solicit company from multiple men at one time, is it wrong for me to take on a beau?

  But how fucked up is that to him?  I take things slow on purpose. But when someone is of true character, it's difficult to take advantage of them and play them for your own selfish gain (although I do that well, too). Still, emotionally distancing myself from him has been beneficial. I like  him. But I don't know if I like him. Maybe he's simply the best out of this batch I've come across so far. Or maybe it's because he actually has the time to spend with me. Maybe I just needed someone. Because sometimes I just... need someone. Is that wrong? Still, though, this guy knows I date. He knows when I'm out with someone else. & While he doesn't like it, he knows that the only option is for him to pick up the slack. & it's not that he's doing a bad job... I just need to distance myself. I don't know what's out there. I'm not ready for him. I'm respectful, though. I let him know when I've been invited out. He can tell me to cancel, but he has to entertain me in return. I also don't speak to You (very much) or _____ (at all). I play my part. & He plays his. I think that what he needs is a good woman. & what I need is a good man. & it's been marvelous so far... but is this what I want? Is he what I want? 

     I'm giving it all a couple years. This relationship thing & the suitors I hope will reappear in the future. So that I know for sure that this is the move I want to make. For now, I can't hold onto men who aren't holding onto me. Like I've said before, The Men who Like You are a Mess and Men Like Women Who Don't Like Them. So I've got to do what's best for me. What'll make me happy in the moment. & If they like me like I once liked them (and sometimes still do) they'll  understand. They'll understand that no matter the distance, if I had the ability, I'd make it work. All I want to do it be there for the man who wants  me there. It's the wanting part that is the most difficult. Funny thing is, if either of these boys had asked me to be true to them, I would have. But I won't do anything I'm not asked to do. I think that any adult would understand that --that people have the right to go about their lives if you aren't going to give them all they need or if they can't give you all they need. So I'm out here dating & I hope they're out there on a "fuck bitches, get money" groove. Hopefully, one day our paths will align again & we can be we again like we were. So until the day they come back for me, and in all likelihood they won't --I'm prepared for that, I'll be somewhere [in New York City], somewhere locking the mall down. 

Still, I can't give me heart unless I'm sure. & I'm just not sure. 

(PS: When I get my ring, I'm going to write a post called, "#LookAtMeNow Hoe" & dedicate it to those who have no faith in me as a marry-able woman. & *Lips purse* *Head tilt* & *Snaps for the kids* )