Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself.

I ain't got to get a plaque. I ain't got to get awards. I just walk up out the door, all the girls will applaud. All the girls will come in as long as they understand that I'm fighting for the girls that never thought the could win. 

Nicki Minaj "Im The Best"

    My name is not Ella. But you can call me that. I like "Miss Thousand". I'm Sayla V (like c'est la vie) when I'm partying. But... really I'm a regular girl. I work full-time. I have family freinds. I date guys. I do shit. About me? Umm... I'm from Rhode Island. (Yep.) Went to school in Maryland. Now, I stay in Harlem. I umm.. like the party. I spent a huge chunk of my college career inebriated. Or umm, under the influence. I promoted parties, which means I passed out flyers, got in free, wore pretty dresses and high heels in the DJ booth and got saucy on a consistent basis --typically on someone else's dime. I'm a free spirit to say the least. I suppose that's where this blog benefits the most. I'm trying to be honest right now: I don't know where my life is headed. Still, I walk tall. If you looked at me, you'd think I have it all figured out. Even more so, if you looked at my Facebook page, you'd think I was the most serene woman to walk this earth. And I might be. But I promise this took a whole lot of work. I've lost. I've loved. I've hurt. I've struggled. I've even partially died at times. But I'm still here. Because no matter the hurdles that come my way, I know that, one day, I'll make it through.

      Thing is, I'm not sure many females feel this way. And although I hope this blog ir read, understood and digested by all, my main concern is young women of color out there who've had an experience... I'd say similar to mine, but I think the stories of women of color are all unique to the owner of that life. The thread that ties us together tho, is that it takes us a very long time to realize that this life is ours. We're told things you wouldn't imagine. We're told of the worth we don't have. The things we'll never be. The places we'll never go. The sights we'll never see. You know... it hurts me every time I remember that I've never been to Disneyland? And I never asked because, somehow, I knew we couldn't afford to go. Our dreams are crushed from the very beginning. We're thrown into reality too early.

      I started giving out my EllaThought cards. Every time I do, it scares me to death. On Saturday, I gave my cards out to two fabulous guys. I waited until they were almost off the train and tried to sneak it on them. This way, they'd be off the train and I wouldn't have to watch them read what I'd written on the backs. Today, though? Different story. I was on the train and sitting next to these two girls. I'll admit, the one laced in Marc by Marc Jacobs made me pull out the cards. I simply assumed she liked the better things in life; hence, she might like my blog. & She was with a friend -also a very cute girl. I gave them the cards as they left the train but I couldn't help but to notice the girl in front of me. She was fabulous. And just from looking at her, I know she needs conversation. I know that seems bizarre but I'm sure there's thoughts in her mind that no one is addressing. And the only reason I know this is because I used to be her. I wanted to talk to her. Thing is, I don't have enough time to talk to every person. But if I could do anything in the world... I'd give girls like me all the time we're deprived of in so many other parts of our lives. So I handed her a card. But then I had to give them out to the other three girls sitting down. I tried to explain to them that I'm a writer. (Yea, me. The girl with the huge fro on a good day.) That I hope they'll read my blog. But really I want to say, "I say some real shit, yo," but IDK how effective that would be. Meanwhile, we're between stops, so I've got to watch them read the back of the cards.

   The back of the cards: Really it's just my thoughts. My most pure thoughts, actually. You know those random quotes you get on tea bags or fortune cookies? Yea, the backs of my cards have those, except their Ella's thoughts. Each is unique. Each is a separate thought. Each is one of a kind. So at random selection, you never know what you're gonna get. Some though, are super intense. And this girl happened to get it: "Love exists just like God does. If you want it and if you let it." Really.  That's what it says. When I wrote it, I thought about throwing it out. "People aren't that religious," I thought to myself. "They might think it's a religious blog." But really, it was my own fear. My own questions. My own disbelief. My own fear of writing about things that are true to me because they might judge me for my beliefs/disbeliefs. So I thought that maybe if I wrote it, it'd end up in the hands of someone who needed it. As I read the card over the girl's shoulder, I hope it helps. If not, well shit. I hope she visits my blog, at least!

        I stood impatiently holding the rail until my stop. I say goodbye and kept it movin'. In the moment, giving out cards is embarrassing as fuck. I had to call Carl soon as I got off the train. Here I was: hot, nervous and hyperventilating. Thing is, I'll never see those people again. That's something you learn to get over eventually. It's like promoting parties. It sucks to go up to people and hand them flyers... or try to.  All you're concerned about is what they think. Do I look stupid? Are they aggravated? Am I interrupting? Will they even come? Am I wasting my time? What does my hair look like? Why am I such a hot mess?

      Confidence is something built. Something that accrues over time. It's not a one-day-to-the-next type of thing. It doesn't just happen. You have to work to get to that point. Where you can stand before people you know are going to judge you and move forward regardless. To the point where you can say what you actually  feel, uninhibited by what people think. You can wear what you want. Go where you please. You can do more when you're more confident in yourself. The group of three girls exchanged my cards amongst themselves and there were some giggles between them. Although it did bother me a bit, it didn't phase me for a couple of reasons: 1. They might not have been laughing at me. 2. If they were laughing at me, I promise you they wouldn't have had they been alone. 3. That girl might just read mu blog. She might just have needed someone to tell her what I had written. It takes balls to tell people what they need to hear & I'm honored to be one of those people you can depend on to say it. 

     Each and everyone of those girls I gave my card to today were absolutely beautiful. I promise you. & I'm not saying this because they might read this. I'm saying this because I think that it is wrong  for any woman to feel unpretty. It's not right. When your confidence is down it brings the rest of your world down with it. You know how they say everything men do, they do for the power of the P_____? Well, everything a woman does should be for herself as well. & And if not, we should do it for each other. I can't say I don't love men or that I don't want their attention. & I'm not saying that you girls shouldn't either. But I'm saying that if we, as women, embraced each other, valued each other, and appreciated the beauty of each individual woman, this would be an infinitely better world.  Nicki's not the greatest to quote, but she said it first: "All my bad bitches, I can see your halo."

     I'm a writer. & I write for you. To tell you that you are beautiful. To show you that I am here. I am just like you. I'm living this real shit. I'm here to make mistakes so you don't have to. & We should talk. If you ever need someone to speak to, I promise you I'm your best bet. I'm sorry t say it, but those white girl magazines can only half satisfy a black woman. Myself included. I'm trying to be the next big thing. Cuz I'm a real person. I actually live life. Purely. Truthfully. Honestly. You and I might not be the exact same. But in the world of people trying to spoon you bullshit advice, (I'll say it again) I'm the best. I represent... "an entire generation".

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[Find out what this blog is about here: Ella Who?]

Follow me on Twitter: @MissThousand

Suggest topics or ask for advice: heyyyella@gmail.com

--- I'm the best bitch doin' it. ---

& I came to win.