What's Really Important.

       

I feel like I'm a hopeless romantic. I can't help falling in love. - Rihanna "Drunk on Love"

     All day, I prioritize. It's basically my job. At work, the essence of my being is to figure out what needs to be seen by who and when. I am the gatekeeper of all data. I answer questions. I find solutions. I integrate those solutions into our work in the most natural, artless manner possible. When I introduce these solutions, they are to appear as if they had always been there. Even in organizing... whenever I move things, it has to be sensible. Everyone should be able to find everything if they simply think. Art supplies are in the light room. Stationary is in my top drawer. Filing shits on the bottom. & while some people gain comfort and start to do things on their own, others take more time. My job is then to remind them -- as kindly as possible. Depending on who it is, I'll get it for them. If it's my boss, I've got it. If not, you have hands. Now, one might not have written that in the description of my job (I'm not just here to organize supplies) but every position you take in life is actually more than what it is --if you do it right. If you do it well. 

JWWWD: Where the Villains Win

The Sentiment

       I don't even know what to do. I feel like everybody's watching. Rather, everybody's reading. Everybody's waiting. I told you I think I'm fuckin famous. There's so much I've left unsaid. I've told half the story a dozen times. The rest you've got to fill in. But you know the rules: As long as the villian wins.I just watched the Otis video for the first time thanks to Brittany in The Spotlight (check that) and I must say I was very satisfied. I didn't expect anything. & it's not that I'm not a fan of the song, I simply think the song is a song. It's another "Swagger like Us," in my opinion. It's tasteful boasting that entertains me but doesn't quite illuminate and I anticipated that the video would do the same. I was correct but I enjoyed it thoroughly. (I hate when people try to make things seem like what they're not. When videos don't match the song.) In the video, Jay is... chillin...and Ye is... chillin. In a modified Maybach, might I add. They boys are having fun. I love to see Jay smile. I love that he's happy if even in that one moment. I know that sounds cheesy but.. you know how people say what's life without love? Well, whats love without happiness?

     When you think about yourself too much, people call you selfish. Instead, your supposed to give you life to others. You're supposed to make others happy. But who's doing that for you? This is a question I am particularly to women because we tend to over-extend ourselves to make a man happy rather than fulfilling our own  desires. So while you're wrapped up in your thoughts trying to make him love you, he's out conquering the world. & when he comes home with the world in the palm of his hand, what could you possibly offer him? You have to go out and get whatever it is that makes you happy. If you've already found your happiness, no one can take that from you. This is a journey I'm taking myself. Not just some shit I'm making up to sound philosophical, -- although I should copyright the philosophy. I invite you to join. I am eating, praying and loving... but I'm doing it all right here in New York. 

       JWWWD is my baby. EllaThought is my heart. I've decided to take it upon myself to make my dreams come true. I read one of Brittany's blogs today and she called me "editor-in-cheif." Now, to you, that might not mean anything. But to me, I feel like a boss. & I'm only 23. If I didn't know how to control myself, I'd insert an "I'm the shit look at me," but I'm going to curb my enthusiasm. The thing is, no one ever told me I could be what I wanted to be. They asked me what I wanted to be. I was once a future poet. I was also once future president. I had an honest teach who told me I'd never be president, and my writing suffered a semester or two due to the conceit of my published professors. So, after all that, I've decided I still want to be both. The JWWWD - Just What We Wanna Do -- acronym means everything to me in particularly because there was so much reason for me to think I was nobody. According to greater society, I'm still  nobody. I'm just 10 digits the IRS taxes every two weeks. And I know, when I look into certain people's eyes, exactly who thought I'd be nobody. I see the amazement in their glares and hear the shame in the tremble of their voices. It fuels me. So everyday, I as I multitask while I multitask, I make a name for myself on a free website telling my secrets to people who don't know me. And with that name, I've decided to give a voice to those around me. 

Welcome to JWWWD. 

The Name

       I've written countless pieces trying to introduce you all to JWWWD.com. Still, when each of them came to a close, publishing was just not what I wanted to do.  The name of the site has evolved from corny to meaningful simply because of what it means to me: what I've learned and how I've interpreted it. Initially, it was based on 50 Cent's Outlaw (inspiration comes from the worst places) in which he boasts, "You do what you gotta do, we do what we wanna do." Not to mention, I really do think I have the best blog out here. At least mine is honest. At least I'm a  real person. I thought that's what blogs were supposed to do. When's the last time you hear a pure, unadulterated thought? When the last time someone truly said what was on their mind? Well, that's what I'm here for: To be me. My cousin/personal trainer/fitness model/health guru PFung (I call her Shirley) co-signed the idea simply because it'd look good beside a hash-tag (#JustWhatWeWannaDo). She was right. But the name only worked because, after a fab weekend together, I shared with her my ultimate life goal: I just want to be happy. I don't do anything I don't want to do. Now, this could stem from being the youngest of three (although I was more like an only child with an extra set of parents). I wouldn't be mad at that. Or it could be that I've finally found the key to happiness: You have to want to be happy. Every decision I make, I think to myself, Will this make me happy? Is this what I want? If I want it, I go for it. I make myself happy. Shouldn't I matter?

       First and foremost, you've got to pronounce the shit right. Please. If you don't, I might change the name like I did for my own blog (it was supposed to be Ella  in Spanish, but people kept saying it like Cinderella so...Cinderella it is.). It's jüd. Like... Jude the Apostle, patron saint of all lost causes. Jude is the saint you pray for for serious miracles. Hence, The Patron Magazine of all Lost Voices.  Or like the past-tense of Jew (leave it to me to make a noun past-tense) as in the chosen ones. (& Stereotypically, Jews also have muchos pe$os. You know I was all in.) Either way... seemed like a good look.  & It also sounds like "jeweled" and you know I like anything "jeweled". 

The Purpose

        I want to do this right. I want to share my experiences for a simple reason: I don't think there are enough... women in this world. I'm not sure we [females] know how I act. I am no Saint, but if there's a hell, no good God would send me there (I might take over). Fact is, there are too many lost girls out there and I was once one of them. The question to be asked is this: Who are our role models exactly? Who's speaking to us? For us? With us? Most people's parents are kids their damned self or are working too many hours to sit at the table to talk. To many families are down to the last wire, help together by single parents and welfare checks. As for media... Beyonce really just started talking.  Nikki just got smacked up by her boyfriend (who knew she had one?) and wouldn't be able to get a real job if you paid her and Mrs. Obama is (I'm so sorry, ma'am)... old. (If you haven't noticed, I prefer my role models to look like me. You can choose yours). What a girl needs to know is how they grew to be women like that (regardless of skin color/race/nationality). I want to be a woman like that --call me what you want. I want to know what it was that made them so powerful, determined and successful. I want to know what characteristics is takes to get there. 


       Unfortunately, we seldom hear our modern-day divas speak candidly. But when we do, it's inspiring to say the least. Beyonce covered  Complex Magazine's August issue and was recorded as having said, “I have an authentic, God-given talent, drive, and longevity that will always separate me from everyone else. I’ve been fortunate to accomplish things that the younger generation of queens dream of accomplishing. I have no desire for anyone else’s throne. I am very comfortable in the throne I’ve been building for the past 15 years.” Ditto, Bey. & I'm comfortable in mine. I'll be here for a while. Hopefully, I get a little reupholstering done in the meantime. There is a breed of women --strong, confident, determined-- who are rarely highlighted until they've already made it to the top and who are doubted way too many times along the way. But how did they get there? With everyone telling them they never would? While loosing friends? While having their hearts broken? Well, I'm here to let you in on my journey. So that if, one day, you have a question about what to do to be a... happy woman, you can come right back to JWWWD.com and check how I did it from day one. Because I will be a happy woman. & If you don't tune in... no sweat. You'll already know the answer as to what I did to get to the top: Just what I wanted to do. 

The Product

       You might not quite understand where I'm going with this, but hopefully you'll read along anyway. The reason this has evolved into an online magazine of sorts is because I want to provide you with information I can't provide. That's where my partners come in. They will help you keep up your health, social presence and social interactions. Me? I'm here to do the same shit I've been doing. I talk about the things no one else knows to talk about but should. Like... how to keep a man. How to be yourself. How to be happy. If you want to find out 100 sex moves your man will die for, you can head right over to Cosmo. The best I can tell you is to have him write down a list of his own and start scratching them off. I'm a real person. & I know you're real people, too. & the writers of my partnered blogs are regular ass human beings, too. Still, they've been kind enough to dedicate their time.

 Health & Fitness: PFungFitness

 health & fitness advice from a professional fitness model and bio student. 

Combining her intellect with experience to answer any question you throw her way.  

Celebs & Entertainment: The Spotlight 

Constant updates on your fav celebs, TV shows and anything else that sparkles.

Opinion & Politics: The Way it Should Be Said

Tough topics addressed plainly and backed with facts: They way it should be. 

     We write about what we want. We post when we can. There are no assignments or deadlines. No real structure really except that you can visit page-to page freely using the navigation bar at the top. The point is, I've brought them on to help me offer you something no other publication can: honestly and humanity. The last thing we'll do is talk down to you. The first thing we'll do is make sure what we write is truth.  Just FYI: I'm the same ole me. & I'm just like you. I'm writing because I just thought you should know everything I know. You and I should have silent conversation. This way we know we're not alone. I don't know you, but I love you all every time you check my page. It truly means the world to me. 

 The End is no where in sight. Stay Tuned.


xoxo

President Ella
Editor In Chief 

Run The World

   You know you love it how we;re smart enough to make these millions, strong enough to bear our children  --then get back to business. Beyonce - "Girls"

     I've been thinking a lot about me lately.  A certain Miss Brittany ( you know I love Brittany's, no matter how you spell it) asked me a while ago to give you advice on how to get a job,  I've been troubled about it since I read the FB message it came in. All I can think is that there's a gorgeous girl, with a ready mind,  a wide smile,  eager eyes and reckless determinations sitting in my inbox and I don't want to steer her wrong. I don't want to disappoint her.  I wish I had secrets to tell you. I wish it were that easy... but then again, I don't. You see, the world of employment is a beast. Either you have a job or you don't. When you don't, all you can focus on is your need for a job. Any job (if you're thinking clearly). One place many people make the mistake is in thinking you're more qualified than you are. There are people who have been doing what you want to do, what makes you so special? That's what you have to prove to your employers. Chances are though, they might not see it. Especially if the one who happens to apply is Black. I'm just saying. There are jobs, but people have prejudices that are sometimes beyond their own control as they are engrained in the corporate culture. You're task is to make it passed the bullshit bureaucracy that guards the front line to your future. 

    I can't guide you here. I can't tell you how to find a job except to look for one you want and apply. If you believe in a god, I suggest you pray to him/her/it. If you don't, cross your fingers, tie your laces. It's a big world out there. You need to implement some problem solving and creativity. You'll need to watch more PBS. Curious George was on this morning and realized what I was supposed to (since I'm an adult watching kids shows and all). I saw two short segments in which little George implements these two skills. He's got to make a pinata for a surprise B-Day party but the paper-mache will take far too long to dry. He ends up taping together two raisins containers to make a pretty bad-ass (and healthy) alternative. In the second part of the show, George and his friends want to take gymnastics class but the class is only once a week. In order to excel and practice, they create their own gym in the yard out of ordinary items and show great improvement when they return to class the next week. 

      The only advice I can give is... don't give up. Once you give up, you're out of the race. The pack has already sped by you. Now I know this may sound like bullshit, but there's a reason we used to watch cartoons. They tell us what to do. You need to take initiative. If you want o succeed, you need to chart out exactly what it is you aim to accomplish and find the best way to get there. If you want that job, you need to find an open position, find someone who can hire you and find the reasons why you are the best, most qualified candidate. If you haven't yet figured out what you want to do, try out whatever opportunity presents itself to you. You might like it. You might be able to turn it into something you do  like. And in the worst case scenario, you'll have gained some experience. 

      For those of us who are already on the job, the questions are a bit different. The questions vary: How long do I do this?  What do I want  to do? How do I get there? I don't have an answer for these either. I met a guy in the post office once who used to do my job. "How do I know when to move on?" I asked him (I take part in some very serious conversations with strangers) to which he told me that at the point when I feel like I've mastered my position and everything that comes with it, it's time for a new position. It's time for a challenge. You don't want to get stuck somewhere -at least I don't. And I want to move fast. I'm uncomfortable with comfort. And my ends aren't satisfying my needs. I need more. More responsibility. More purpose. More importance. More money. 

      I just ordered business cards but I've decided to omit my title. Not because I don't like my title, or that I won't like the next one, I just don't plan on keeping a title for too long. The only "title" that satisfies me is my name. This is something I'm debating bringing to my employer's attention. I've practiced my stance for so long it's morphed into a soliloquy outlining my dreams and aspirations and I'm not sure anyone wants to hear that... but I'm not sure I give a fuck. I once had a conversation with my boss about how this "new generation" thinks they can take over the world. He insinuated that assert ourselves too much. We think we are owed something. We think that we can come into any and every company and completely take over. The thing is, you can't let Rome know you're invading before you begin your march. You've got infiltrate and take the muthafucka over. Perhaps that's what I'll do. I'll give them warning. I'll let them know I'm ready for battle. But one way or another, this shit is mine.  It's a takeover. 

The breaks over. 

      The key to this shit is knowing whom you should know. Speaking to whom you should speak. This is the part of the journey where you stop giving a fuck about everyone else. Where everyone else works. How much everyone else makes. Where your friends live. Where your mom is. What' comfortable. If you really want to make moves, you've got to make them in your own best interest. You've got to put you first. You need that job. So you have to put in the effort. Introduce yourself to people. Lose your shame. Let them know you're on the market, but make them feel like they need you on their team. Exchange cards and emails. Follow up. Send thanks you notes. Kiss ass when it's worth it. You've go to humble yourself.m You've got to realize that you need that job, but they don't need to hire you --unless you can make them feel like they should. Approach every interview with confidence. Assure them that you'd be able to get the job done even if you have no idea what the fuck is going on. Prove yourself worthy. Present yourself as valuable. Luckily, I met the right person and left him with the right impression. I sit here now, writing to you as I fill in for him. It was a stroke of luck. An opportunity had presented itself--I sure as hell wasn't letting it slip by me. I followed up. I kept in contact. I worked my ass off.  And I'm here. Still working my ass off

      &, of course, I have to insert a "Dear Black People" segment: Sometimes, you've got to let everything go if you want to do the best for you. Which means, you'll have to do it alone. If you don't want to, if you feel like you can't, thats perfectly fine, but you'll be perfectly mediocre at the end of the day and, I garuntee, not living up to your full potential. Sometimes, you've got to leave what you know to find better 00if you knew better, you'd already have everything wouldn't you? You need to avoid basing your decisions on how much free time you'll have (or won't have) or where your friends will be. Because there's plenty of free time after you retire and your friends should always be there, no matter where they are. 

    And you don't always have to take the hood with you. Sometimes, I feel like people are helped back by everything and everyone they have to carry with them. I used to dream about buying a mansion that all my friends and family can live in (rent-free, nonetheless) until I realized that they're people, too. They can pull their weight, too. There's no reason why I should carry the burden of supporting my whole family, never mind an entire community. And unless I can, one day, give Oprah a run for her money, I don't plan on sponsoring an entire race. I have enough time supporting myself. I considered getting a dog and have to double check to see if dog food and a dog-walker could fit my budget. I once dreamed of bringing "my niggas to the building. Give a feeling that I don't give a fuck. [We'd be] chilling watching chandelier ceilings high as fuck," and I still do. But I've realized that I may have to get a small chandelier before I can hang the big one.  

So... good luck. I'm sure there is much ahead. Just remember that every day has 24 hours for you to take advantage of --if you want to.  Take advantage of every moment with no regard. If you want to, you can run the world. 

Growing Up; Moving Out.

  Can't spend another second sittin on my momma's couch.So if I don't take a chance I won't ever get out. Some people talk but never do, they just running they mouths. But I mean just what I say. & I'ma show them out. - Jazmine Sullivan, "Dream Big" 

     

    Looking for housing in New York City is a bitch. Most of the living spaces are old buildings with added walls to divide space as much as humanly possible. Basically, in New York, bedrooms are like... really big closets. I viewed this one apartment over on Edgecombe in Harlem where the room was so small, the friend I had brought along couldn't help but to make jokes like... "Your room is so small, you got to go outside to change your mind." Yup, it was that small. The room would have been able to fit a twin bed. A full would have made the room tight. "You can get a twin bed," my friend Tony had said. "Tony, I'm a grown ass woman," I responded back. "I don't need a twin bed ever again in my life."

      I'm the youngest of three. My brother is 11 years my senior and my sister has me by 9. For as long as I can remember, I've had three parents. When my sister married (and even before then), I  inherited her husband as another parent. They all listened to the plans I had. As I switched from "really like this place" to "maybe this place" but they allowed... rather forced... me to do it on my own. My sister visited my first place with me. I listened to the questions she asked. I looked at the things she looked at. I took mental notes. While I wish she would have just told me where to move into and how much to pay, I knew she wouldn't. She only does so much for me and at the end told me to do what I think I can afford, although he never quite helped me with a number. My mom on the other hand is no help. Her advice is usually, "Lo que tu crea, mija. Preguntale a tu hermana." That means "Whatever you think is best. Ask your sister." Great advice I've got here, huh? My brother-in-law on the other hand has always given me the best advice: none. He just tells me what he did. I'm great at following by example. I asked him how he did it. What his first place was like. Knowing someone else story.. someone who thinks like you, is sometimes the best blueprint you can ever get.

     Sometimes in order to mature, you need to be thrown into situations that force you to respond. While I was looking for places, people would commonly ask, "Why do you want to move out of your sister's house and pay rent?" That's equivilant to asking me, Why do you want to grow up? Why do you want freedom and independence? Why on earth would you want to gain maturity and life experience?   College ruined me. Well, I mean it made me a better person, but it ruined my taking the easy way out. For a great part of my college career, I lived alone. I made my own rules. I'd come and go as I pleased. I bought my own groceries. I did my own laundry. For four years, I forgot what it was like to have my mother make me dinner. To have food waiting when I came home. While I love my sister and her husband dearly, I've got to leave the nest. 

        My new place isn't the ultimate ideal. I have a roommate... and not the ideal situation. Thing is, he's a... he. So he tries to help me out a lot. He offered to help me moved my things in this weekend, but I politley decline his offer as I did anyone else. I could've asked my cousins to help me move. or I could have paid the Mexicans at the UHaul place (I'm not being racist... that's what they were & that's what they're there for) but I would much rather handle my business on my own. A cute boy working there kept walking back and forth through the storage area (with nothing to do) and striking up conversation. "You don't have nobody to help you?" he asked. 

      "No, I'm all set," I responded.

      "It'd be easier if you had help."

      "Actually it wouldn't."

      "Oh so you independent, huh?"

      "I guess," I said as I grabbed my dolly and walked away to get another load. 

      Thing is  I planned it all to move by myself. I got up when it was convenient to me. I got my truck when it was convenient for me. I organized the truck in a method convenient for me. I took the amount of time fitting for me. I drove the route that felt the best for me. There was no one passenger seat driving my Uhaul nor any other part of my day for that matter. Sometimes, I think we convince ourselves (especially women) that we need someone else's help (particularly the help of men). But you really won't notice how well you do without them until you actually try. If you don't try to do things on your own, you never find out how much you're truly capable of. Granted there are something you need assistance with (like the 150 pound dresser my brother-in-law had to help me bring in) but the rest i could do myself. Granted, it might take a little longer, and my body might be sore for a while after, but at the end of the day, I was proud that I had done it all by myself. I wasn't nervous about what was being moved where. I didn't have to answer questions about what goes where or how long this will take.  I didn't once have to say "Watch out that will break"(and it always ends up broken, doesn't it?). 

        And it didn't matter that I had no idea where I was going. Or that I ended up driving 32 miles more than what I had expected. Or that I got scared that I was lost before I hit the George Washington Bridge because it was beautiful when I saw it as my official first time driving over it by myself as I yelled at Carl through my ear piece in sheer excitement. Here I was, driving to my shitty new apartment in Harlem but I was glad because I had made the voyage (both literally and figuratively) on my own. This accomplishment was mine. 

     Sometimes too, when you allow people to help you, they think you need them more than you do. One my first trip from the van to the room, my roommate open the door and tried to help pull some of my bins in. "No! Please! Don't," I begged of him. "Let me do it." I didn't want him to feel like he was this big strong man and I was think weak little girl. I didn't want him to get the impression that I need him for anything, because men have a tendency to do that. They think that they are protectors and really this is all just an animal instinct.  But the first time you allow yourself to be the weaker mate, you will always be. Granted if/when I find that special guy, I will allow him to be the leader in the relationship... because that's how I like my men. But all of my guy friends know very well that I assert myself as an equal in all circumstances. 

     There was a part of me that was frightened about embarking on this stage of my life. There's comfort in adolescence that is really hard to willingly give up. I put an enthusiastic veil over what was really timorous ambition. Blind determination, honestly. I just want to grow up. I don't know if I'm ready but I feel like I'll never find out if I don't take the steps to test myself. I don't want to be that girl who lives at home with her mom and can barely pay rent but is out here looking for a "quality man". I want to be the woman I'm supposed to be. 

This growing up shit is scary... but it has to be done.

      With that said, here's what I'm really thinking: My roommate claims he "likes to get the mail" so he hasn't given me a key. I didn't say anything then, but I WILL be asking for one. There's also a card you put money on to do laundry and he wants to share one. NOT happening.  Truthfully, I really just needed to give myself a pep-talk so that I don't punk out. I know you guys will hold me to it!  :-/