If I Were a Golddigger...

    I ain't saying she a golddigger. But she ain't messing with no broke/broke... 

- Kanye West, "Golddigger"

  Look. Say what you want about me. I've judged myself enough to know the persona I've put forth. For a while now, I've walked the thin line between high-maintance and unaffordable from time to time stumbling into one or another. But I will say it once more incase you don't believe me: I'm not a golddigger. 

     Today is the first day I even believe that. There's this man (I say "man" because dude is... mature) who lives in my sister's building. Now to live in in my sister's building, you must own. There are no renters here. The 1-bedrooms start at a cool $315,000. Then there's maintenance fees. With that said (throwing in the fact that he's single) this could make him a possibly very beneficial asset in my phone.  

     Here's the kicker: He's ugly. Like... not Quasimoto ugly... but he looks his age. He's got to be... late 30s. And he's not fly. So unfly even, that he was walking in front of me (I didn't know it was him)  I had thought to myself, I hate guys who wear long jackets when they're not tall enough. Just so happened it was this man. Today, I happened to get on an earlier shuttle, and his missed his earlier one. Low & behold, I turned around, and there he was. On the PATH. Standing beside me. For the past couple of weeks, I've been dodging all the brothas in my sister's building afraid that it might be him. Today, I let my guard down and he came in for the attack. 

      He had asked my sister about me a while ago. Mentioning that he had met met, he asked if I had mentioned him at all. "Why the fuck would she talk about you?" my sister mocked him, as she told me about their encounter. "He's old," I said --cringing like the little girl I am. "He looks like he has money," my sister told me. Apparently dude works in finance for some company on 50th. Unfortunately only 10 blocks from me leading him to suggest that we get lunch sometime. WTF was I supposed to do? So I abided the tip I gave you all in "The Staring Game": Just give the guy your number. No one said you HAVE to pick up his calls. Ok. So now I have time to think about what I want to do. I usually walk from 34th to 40th, but since I got my Unlimited MTA yesterday (whoop whoopp!) I decided to join him for the N-Q-R commute to 42nd. 

      As I walked beside him, I thought to myself, What the fuck am I doing?  I'm not interested in this guy but with the lack of entertainment I have at the moment, I figured I'd... see? We had okay conversation on the PATH. Talked about... books. So I know that he's an educated man. He slipped in details of his travels (Spain & Mexico) which shows me that he's a man who's lived life (like I said I wanted in "Generation Disney") so why am I so hesitant to pursue something with him. Am I that shallow? Can I not see past his exterior and am I judging him based solely on the outside --something which shouldn't weigh so heavily?

    Thing is, I've made exceptions before and I can't do that again.  No matter how much money this man has... his money isn't going to make me fall in love with him. It's not going to buy my faith, my trust, or my heart. It might though, buy my time. I mean... time = money right? I have plenty time & I'll make a fair exchange. But I'm not sure I can bring myself to do it. Today I tried to look him in the face and continue conversation but 'm really just not attracted to him. My glances away might have come off to him as my being shy but in reality... he doesn't know. He's become quite the joke in my household, and as I talked to my mom about him it came down to this revelation: He doesn't know, Mami, I explained. Que yo lo abuso. I'll abuse him. Thing is... he looks like a jewelry man. I mean he has the money for it. Christmas is coming up. & if he gets me anything, I know that me, my mom & my sister will have the time of our lives laughing it up. 

     I get the vibe from him that, knowing that I'm young, he might think I'm impressed by him. That I might be lured in. That I can be bought. But he's got me confused. & this only makes me want to abuse him. Additionally, allowing him to "court" me would be something different than what I'm used to. Just now I got a Facebook Instant Message that reads "PUNK". I'm so tired of it. Tired of this little boys with disrespectful game that I'm supposed to be attracted to. What woman likes to be called "punk"? 

     I talk a lot about wanting to be treated like a woman, yet I keep falling for these boys. Maybe I should start dating men... but they look soooo oooollldd :(  Maybe this guy is what I need for now. Not for love, but for entertainment. Like... in a Holly Golightly, Breakfast at Tiffany's,  type of way. You know...  $50 for the powder room? Any real gentleman would ;) I mean, it'd be perfect. He'd take me out. He'd pay. & He wouldn't be able to ask for a thing in return. Whole time, I can play the shy young girl role and just... sit pretty. Sounds like a plan to me. At least until I meet my own Paul Varjak :) Until then... I'll go home to my pretty clothes and my cat (or a dog, more likely), put in my ear plugs and lock my phone in a suitcase so that no one can interrupt the perfection of my world --except for a pretty boy with a kind heart. 

      Come to think of it... maybe I'm like... a freelance Golddigger. I mean, I don't do it full-time or nothin. lol.