Ask Ella: Who Should Care?

   

  "I told her, that even though it's her birthday... it doesn't really affect anyone else. It's not a holiday. And that's what I said, cuz that's how I felt," I explained. As I retold it, it sounded cold, but sometimes facts feel like that. Are my feelings wrong if they hurt someone else's feelings? Or is it now that person's personal problem? 

"You probably shouldn't have said that," he told me and he's the only one who tells me the truth. I can't say that he was right... it did need to be said. It just wasn't nice, is all. Now, before I can have a conversation with a person, it feels like run my thoughts by a third party and re-adjust my real. "Don't say all that," Carl told me. But I fear it's the things you shouldn't say that matter the most. "I know why you said what you did. Believe me, I do," she wrote to me, 2 years later. "What was more upsetting was the way you went about it." I was too public. I should keep more secrets. I should tell people, privately, what everyone says behind their backs. I should watch how much I blog. I should be careful who reads this. I should remind everyone I've been the same mhhfcka since '88. 

              I usually feel like I'm the only one actually willing to have a real conversation. It's usually me staring blank-face at someone with my head tilted and asking, "well..." while they shrug and pretend to not understand whatever language I speaking in. Either that, or people sit across tables from me --or across invisible wires -- and try to explain to me how whatever they wanted me to do, I didn't do and that's why they're upset. We seem to have these scripts in our heads and expect people to fit neatly into them. When they don't we assume that person has acted improperly, when in fact... we might have simply casted wrong. I have less and less and less friends as the days go by, it seems. Sometimes, it happens like that. Sometimes, I prefer it that way. I went home last week and gave Kay K the biggest attitude because she had borrowed my sweater, but she wasn't home the next day before I left. I usually leave without saying a word to anyone, but I decided not to be fcked up to her. I was just upset she wasn't there. I was also upset I was thrown off my schedule. But... that has nothing to do with her and, in fact, really wasn't that big of a deal. Mid-Traffic, I had to pull up my message and sent by boo a sweet apology. She never tripped on me and that's because of the only reason we're friends, Kay K loves me. In the fashion of a true high-school love story, I lost my best friends the summer I met Kay K because Kay K showed me, in three months, love I had never felt in 13 years. The most painful lesson I learned is that if you don't know any better, you settle for the worst. 

            Most times, I'm the worst. Single me likes to ask why I'm single (along with single everyone else), and I realize I don't even give hope. I ignore the men who look my way. When they put on enough pressure to get my phone number, I cross my fingers and hope the conversation will make it 24 hours. I never want to see them again. They're never as handsome as they sound. I don't actually like "friends" or rappers who think rhymes can get my panties off (I'm very judgmental about rhymes & I pull mine to the side). I never know who thinks they have a chance with me and it usually ends after the third or fourth text message when I tell exactly which games I am not here to play. One one hand, I'm a completely cold, thorough and badass btch.

          Sometimes, I'm the absolute best. It's scary to be. As I fumble my way through the music, I've found that relationships and artistry take much of the same path --one learns and matures. In both love and music, I've learned what I am good at, what I need improvement in, what I aim to accomplish and the sht I'll never do again. In both music and love, I've learned that I need to give my all. Even if I feel like I'm not enough... like I might fall short, I give myself with complete confidence in who I am because... baby, I refuse to let that change. We're all such particular people, you can't count on the next person understanding anything you feel. In competition, this becomes an advantage. There are things in music that I'm willing to try... even if others are not. There are things in a relationship I'm willing to do, even if others are not. The story though, is yours. Or rather, mine. I've stopped speaking so much. It's true, we all have "flaws," but those flaws are determined in the eyes of others. So when you tell a person your story, you can't be sure what they consider to be a good or bad thing. That is your story. Not only does that person have no experience with it, but God didn't want them to. What do they know? People don't know anything, especially when they think they do. It's how people think they know everything about you if they know your middle name and favorite color.  

        The truth is, no one cares. No one cares about you, they only see the world through their eyes. They only see how it will benefit them. It doesn't matter. Keep being a good person. Still, take note of how people treat you. Not everyone will be as loving, as caring, as honest or pure as you are in your intentions. But when you realize that, give yourself a little bit of respect and remove yourself. You can cut these relationships when you are sure that you've done that person no wrong. Even more so, you can probably point out the things you've done for that person while they say over and over how they were your "friend". You don't have to wait for people to hurt you to remove them from your life, you should hope to be wise enough to know when that relationship simply isn't headed in the right direction. This isn't a cause for war or argument. You shouldn't expect anything in return for your love, but you deserve it. Everyone has their limit, establish yours. 

        Here's the real truth: I'm so tired. I'm tired of the lazy applause. I'm tired of people silently adding up the coins in my pocket, never taking the time to open my mail. I'm tired of people wanting to use me for the nothing I have. I'm tired of being underestimated. I'm tired of pretending like I have time for people. I'm tired of people asking when we're going to get together when we have nothing to get together for. I'm tired of people comparing themselves to me. I'm tired of being compared to others. I'm tired of people saying they love me but not enough to go to my shows. I'm tired of them thinking I care if they attend. I'm tired of supporting people so consistently it becomes so natural they forget. I'm tired of having to remove myself from the world to prove I breathe my own air. I'm tired of people asking me questions about boyfriends but want me to be locked up in their houses with their spouses and children for what, tutoring? I'm tired of people counting on me in their future plans like a human savings bond. I'm tired of having been depended on and not acknowledged. I'm tired of listening to people, they don't say much anyway. I'm tired of the arguments. I'm tired of "fighting" being the only way you can show you care. I'm tired of "happy" and "joyous" being awkward feelings people think aren't meant to last. I'm tired of people asking me what my flaws are. I'm tired of people thinking God makes mistakes. I'm tired of that "nobody's perfect" bullshit. I'm tired of soft gangsters and twerking songstresses. I'm tired of trends. I'm tired of being politically correct. I'm tired of having to take the entire world's feelings into account every time I speak. I'm tired of people asking me "what do you do?" instead of clicking my fcking links and reading a paragraph - you rhyme, but you don't read? I'm tired of people thinking I want to write about them and how they do the same thing everyone else does, for profit. I'm tired of people think I want to sit back row are their events and write on them --for free. I'm tired of everyone thinking they're the best out when you're just a startup and if you know anything about business, you know that 25% of you will fail in the first year - I'm going on my fourth and I still pray. I'm tired of hearing rappers rap about luxury vehicles they've never driven, posting videos of rentals on instagram while I named mine "Kim"; she's the all-black nightrider parked outside and we just got a n oil-change so she's runnin' super smooth, but I gotta get my tire sensors checked. I'm tired of female rappers being so proud of having vaginas they forgot to focus on their lyrics, and if they won't flaunt their own bodies, they bring along "friends" to twerk on stage behind them like it makes them righteous to have hoes. I'm tired of ignoring the fact that singers should be attractive, people have to want to look at you with all those lights pointed in your direction. I'm tired of closing my eyes during showcases to ignore everyone's bum ass kicks and shared apparel. I'm tired of all your crews. I'm tired of being more gangsta than 99% of men I meet, who usually spend their evening walking miniature schnauzers, and I don't date men who own poodles. I'm tired of artists who will tell you everything about themselves except about the children they created who are sitting at home waiting on them. I'm tired of people ignoring that rapping is rhythm and poetry, over a beat and infused with bravado. I'm tired of holding this writing degree under my belt like it's not my secret weapon just because, without this rap sht, I'm crazy straight.  I'm tired of people not understanding that I am in love with words and no matter who we string them together I breathe. this. shit. I'm tired of wanting to stop being great because no matter what work you do, people just want to use you and abuse you for it, but they certainly won't pay you.  I'm tired of people telling me how I should run my business, as if my alma mater didn't do a brilliant job and as if I'm not the dopest out. I'm tired of people trying to recruit me into their groups, client lists and beds. I'm tired of looking at chicks and thinking "ewww her?". I'm tired of having to give more than I get because that's the way Jesus loved, so I live my life in present fear that since I walk his path, they'll crucify me just like him. I'm tired of having to be quiet about being in love with who I am. I'm tired of having to act like love isn't all I want or like I'm not a woman and that a man shouldn't know exactly what I need. I'm tired of being the only chick who hangs out with the guys. I'm tired of that one guys who will never understand. I'm tired of thinking I might get along with these hoes, only to end up sitting on my couch with my puppy in my lap & Univision on silent reminded that the only woman I'll ever trust is the woman who birthed me. 

  "Whoever you end up with, I'll be so happy to watch it happen," were the last words I expected him to say. I get so caught up in my emotions of the world, I treat it all the same. I'm never really looking for involvement, but since I am single, it seems people (men and more women, lately) like to try their hand. When I turn men down, they don't know if they're not my type, if I actually do have a boyfriend, or if I'm lying. When they ask to take me out and I decline (or more often ignore), I usually question myself. I wonder why I don't go. Why don't I take advantage? Why don't I do that damn thang and get a bill paid? When I decide not to reach out to "friends" anymore... I think about what I'll do instead. What will my nightlife be like? Who will I party with? Fact of the matter is, I don't take advantage because I'm ok. If I pay all my own bills, and it's my name on the guest list... I guess I'm really ok. I could be doing better, but then, I couldn't sing Independent Women so loudly and proudly. If I wasn't so sure that, one day, I'll be a great wife and a phenomenal mother (which are actually my only true goals in life, everything else is money), I'd be hesitant to be on my Beyoncé. But... aside from my mother... I have very few role models.

       I'm tired of the fantasy in my head. The most stressful part of life is trying to get people to act right. Honor, loyalty, respect... smh. You wish. So partially, I've given it all up. It's not that I've lost hope or faith -- I love me some God --but I won't let the idea of anyone else (and what they are or are not doing) ruin my mood or my groove. I just know I have so much to accomplish in this lifetime. Mostly, people just distract you. We can be each other's most effective sources of inspiration or our greatest deterrents from our goals. The best partnerships in the world are the ones that uplift one another... that's all I want. Caring is obvious. A person who care about you cares about everything about you. Sometimes, they even care about the things you don't care about. We have to expect love. We have to, as much as we don't seem to believe in it. I'm still teaching myself how to truly believe. I run into the most problems in trying to "convince" people that I am who I am. I do what I do. My decisions are calculated and I can be trusted... but people lie... and what you have to do with your life, doesn't really affect them... so they don't really care what you say. Don't worry about them, and never mention them.

      I just had to get these emotions out. I hope, if you've read to the end, you've gained something. I'm actually groovy. If you know me, you know I do what I want... This is how I encourage myself *shrugs* Sometimes you just have to put your mind in the right place... first, you have to tell the truth. 

• If you wanna know what I do, click the following link - presidentella.wordpress.com
• My soundcloud is finally up:  Soundcloud.com/presidentella
• I'm currently working on publishing my poetry book. You all will see that first. 
• JWWWD Magazine will print in Spring 2014!!!!!!! I'll be editing the teams' first submissions next month, can't wait to read those!!!

Most Sincere, 

Ella

Ask ELLA: How do I Waste Less Time?

       

  "Sometimes, it feels like you hold back," he said.  That was the best Christmas gift I had ever gotten. Sometimes, I'm amazed when people are brazen enough to be honest with me. My cousin Kiko isn't even really my cousin, I don't think. But he has been since we were 13 and he happens to be a fan of my writing. An honest one, but that's only because he knows me for the stranger I am. 

          You can't tell everyone everything. They simply can't handle it. You never know how they're going to react, what they're going to do with it. Secretly, everyone is looking for everyone else's flaw, that damned thing that makes us all human. The problems arise when something thinks they've cued in on this "flaw," where they think they have you defeated. But defeat only occurs if you acknowledge that trait as a flaw. If not, that person is busy focusing on a battle that doesn't even exist. With this I say as they've said: Choose your battles wisely. Most battles aren't worth fighting. Most fights aren't worth the spoils. People will always attack you, especially if you seem like a challenge. But why waste your time getting scratched up in scuffles? I interact with less and less people, saving myself from more and more drama. If something seems like a waste of time, the very first thing you should learn to do is excuse yourself. Don't engage. Don't participate.

        I'm also learning to speak less. Or maybe I'm being taught to say less. I mean... what is there to discuss? People really do talk too much. Some of the conversations we have get us nowhere, and sometimes people simply need a means of interacting with you simply to have contact. Small talk. Time's a wasting. What I've also noticed is that most people's means of interacting are in the form of an argument. Just as often as women catch attitude for a little attention, men like to say or do things that are mildly offensive so they can have some affect on you. (S/O to the men who, "that ain't your hair" as I walk down the street). There are some things we find engaging in relationships. We like to have war stories to tell. We think that what we've "been through" bonds us together, but that should be as partners on one-side, not as feuding lovers. Or maybe that's just not for me. But sometimes, we do waste our precious time holding onto something we think we're supposed to "fight" for, instead of spending your time graciously contemplating the ease and joy this person brings into your life. If a person isn't bringing positivity into your life, and doesn't make things easier... what do you want them for? You can't complain about the stress if you invite it to stay. The easiest way to avoid stressful conversations is to avoid stressful people. 

            Can you tell something happened? This is where I hold back. The most difficult part about being a writer, and an honest one, if that your emotions are going to go public at some point, and people are offended by different things --especially words. The easiest way to stop wasting time is to stop giving situations and occurrences such great importance. We let people and they way they feel (and the ways we feel about them) control our everyday emotions. Can't trust your best friend? Cut her off. Can't trust your man? Cut him off. Either that, or deal with it quietly. There are some battles we choose to fight, and each of those for our own reasons. But centralize your focus, you can't fight every battle. There will always be bullsht to deal with,  you've got to decide which is more beneficial to clean up. Some bullsht will help you grown, but mostly, it's just a mess. If you're ever upset because of a person, you need to check that person. People who love you don't want to upset you. Sometimes we even stay around because of the people around that person, but don't be fooled. That person is responsible for how they interact with you. Continue to be a good person, but keep an eye on how much you give. You shouldn't expect to receive, but when you get nothing, take note of how much nothing they think you deserve. And then turn them into nothing. Cut. Everybody. Off.

         I know they say all relationships have their ups and downs, but how many down's really? Why not progress peacefully? Why is that not a possibility? In my opinion, we waste our time building, monitoring and maintaining relationships that are destined to fail. I don't think this is a "bad" thing per say, I think people come in and out of our lives, but only as much as we allow them to. Me? I'm tired of all that. Every day, I make decisions based on how I re-tell the story to my children. Maybe that's too much. Maybe that's how it should be. Sometimes, I make decisions I question, but I make them with the best possible intentions. And I pray. Mostly I ask for patience and wisdom. I want to be able to sit back and understand the cards on the table before I make my move. But when I make my move, I need it to be exactly what it needs to be.

             Anyone aiming for an ideal knows things will take longer than we hope. So, enjoy the time while you work. The best relationships, in my opinion, are the ones where you can work side by side, towards a common goal and not distract each other. In amazing relationships, you can work side by side towards individual goals and continue to help each other produce. I have very few people in my life --to few for some, but that's how I prefer it. Sometimes, I sit back and think about all the people I would rather not hang out with and I come off cold, even to myself. But... I don't have any drama in my life. I'm not worried about who to trust. The people left in my life bring positivity, and that only. The things I "need" to do are all things I enjoy. The things I miss out on, it's probably better that I did. During those times when you're bored and alone, you should probably try to find whatever it is you're good at, whatever makes you happy, whatever might be lucrative and beneficial to you in the future.

        The truth is, no one cares how they affect you. So be who you're supposed to be right now.  They only know what they do. Ignore everyone. Do what you have to do so that when people think back and reflect on their interactions with you, all they can say is, "that was real." I don't worry about anyone's interpretations of things in the moment, because they probably aren't looking at it in the way I am... but if we don't see things the same way, where is this going, really? Sometimes we just don't want the same things as people. We disagree more than we agree. It's ok to let those folks go. To let those situations pass. We don't need to overtly involve ourselves in everything and with everyone --especially not women, in my opinion. We truly are the company we keep. We're grouped together, whether we like it or not. I actually hate to feel that way, but we women have a difficult time acknowledging societal views. We can be as free as we want to be. As modern as we strive to be, but in everyone's head is a secret definition of what a woman is. You are defined before you know it. So be yourself, and where whatever title you're given with pride. But me? I won't share someone's robes. Good or bad. I'd prefer my own.

        Spend more time with yourself. Doing what you want. For your own reasons. Under your own guidance. That way, any decisions you do make will be yours. It won't be wasted, it'll be the decisions you make. You will have earned everything given to you, everything that happens to you. Take control of yourself, your situations, your surroundings, your engagements. Take more time to decide whether to waste the time before you keep engaging. Decide if the issue is worth keeping before you fix it. Stop wasting your time, spend it wisely instead.

      Oh... and always be a good person. Be the better person than you even want to be... then there's nothing really to argue or worry about --you didn't do anything wrong. Just thank God & keep it groovy. *shrugs*

That's how I feel, anyhow. 

Ella.

A Guide to Victory

   

  "I'm confused as to what happens next," CJ commented. 

     "So I am I," I responded with a laugh, because that was all I could do. When you can't cry, you gotta laugh, yo. I went home last weekend both selfish and selfless reasons. My mom fractured her ankle (and traded in the brace for Chinese oils) so I wanted to make sure she sat down somewhere. When your body feels worn, sometimes what you need is love. She's all I've got, so I try to be there for her on whatever level I can. To take advantage of my time tho, I hit my n*gga Harvey --now known as King Cooper -- to see if we could make a track work. I'll be performing again at the Paul Robeson Theatre. Not sure what I want to do yet, but I'm always trying to share the stage with the homies.

The Truth of It.

Sometimes you just wanna give someone a swift jab to the face. The reason is secondary, but the emotion remains. It's just so hard to deal with people. Always. All of them.

          The first thing people see is what you look like. I'm 5'2 I'm not mad at it. I understand --it doesn't disgust me any less. I performed at The Paul Robeson Theatre this passed Saturday, January 12th (watch the videos here). I made it to the building at about 9pm & walked into the most beautiful faces I know: My family. My cousins are everything I have (If you haven't realized this yet, read my previous post, "XMas Presence").  I have trouble asking people to come out and spend their hard-earned money, so when this passed show came around, I invited everyone with a warning. Unless I can get you in free, I don't "invite". I don't think anyone should. "El quien invita paga," my mother says. He who invites, pays.

       Our most fatal mistake occurs when we forget the extent  to which other people exist. We fail to see the completeness of their humanity. I don't expect support. Perhaps that's why I value it so much. I know people don't have to take the time out of their lives to watch me experiment with life. My cousin Jay has three kids he never forgets about so neither can I. My cousin Ed is the father of an Angry Birds champion. Aside from their lives as parents, they also have their own lives, careers, responsibilities, partners... everything. They exist outside of me and I respect that. I encourage it. We are individuals and need to lead our lives as such.

Ask Ella: How Do I Make my Dreams Real?

Hello Hello!!!

Hope all is well with you! You seem to be doing well not that I expected otherwise. I try to keep up when you post things and stuff (I am not just saying that) and they are always interesting. Good shit… keep it up!

Besides the blogging that you do, what exactly do you do? Where do you work in NY? Do you like it? I want to know becauseeeeeeee… this girl right here wants to move to NYC!!! Not a surprise, huh? I outgrew RI a long time ago… ready for bigger and better (Boston in NOT the wave but it’s cool) haha... So then I started to freak out and began to think things like “If I teach in RI, then hypothetically I can save more money and spend a couple of years with mami and the kids, etc” But it felt so wrong to think all of those things because I have had my heart set on moving to the city for a couple of years now. I mean, it is the best city in the world if you ask me! lol Also, I will still be young and want to be in a city where I could come alive as young adult and a professional. RI doesn’t give you life…even if you try. I can’t knock home because home is home but we both know what it is.

I just don’t know if I am rushing a dream or avoiding one...

So my question for you is what thoughts led you or what reassured you that moving to NYC was “it.” You know? Did you just go for it? I don’t doubt myself I know I can make the city work but facing another major transitional phase in one’s life is just so overwhelming.  When it comes to anything in question, how do you seek your truest answer?

-(excerpt of a letter from) Remy

Yo, yo! 

It's always a blessing to have people I know forreal reach out. Since you already know I keep it funky, here we go with some answers.

Don't Confuse Confidence

"Dominican" T-Shirt & panty set, Gift from SHANWEAR.com

10.11.11, I thought... 

I know when a girl is prettier than me. I don't give a shit, though. My mind is fucking beautiful. 

The worst thing you can do to yourself is compare yourself to other women. It's not that I never doubt myself, it's that I correct the issue the moment it arises. 

I'm in love with myself. I've seen my strength. I've seen my endurance. I've seen myself fall and rise again. I've read my own writing and listened to my own voice. I've heard supporters applaud me in my accomplishments. I've also seen the envy in the eyes of those close to me. I love me because I know me so well.

There's nothing not to love about me. I am flawed. I'm never going to be America's Next Top Model nor Idol. While I stand tall at 5'2, my voice is pitiable. Still, that doesn't stop me from posing for the cameras or singing my heart's desires in the shower. 

I think I'm... pretty. Decent. Bearable. I spend enough on my shoes and maintain my mane (although I seriously need my ends clipped). I try to make sure my nails are filed and painted and that I'm at least 5'5. (I'm 5'7 today.)

I invented this thing & now they call it "swag".  It's nothing more than being unaffected. Indifference. Insouciance. It's not giving a fuck. It's... me. Everyday, I'm happy. No one can take that from me. On certain days, I'm happier than usual. This may be due to a text, a call or from looking myself in the mirror. I'm aware of what's going on in the world but I'm not bogged down by it. I live life. Every second of it. That is why I'm beautiful. I need no further justification from anyone else.

Today, I think...

        Never going to be America's Next Top Model? What was I thinking? No, I'll never be on those shows, but I'll have my fair share of the starlight. CJ's been getting phone calls from people who used to know him. They're afraid that he's changing. He might be getting a big head. Something might be wrong. "I'm just not afraid of myself anymore," he told me. When he spoke it, I realized I couldn't agree.  Interviewed @MillsDaComedian (CLICK HERE TO VIEW) a while ago. He'd seen me f*ck around on stage at an open mic and February and decided that I'm scared. The words "scared" and "fear" are my least favorites, so I couldn't totally agree with him. There was hesitation inside of me, yes.... but why? What the f*ck is stopping me?

         When I was 15, I was an angry poet at large. I couldn't be stopped. I'm not sure how words come together so smoothly for me, but for some reason, they love me as much as I love them. I've never forced anything I've said. Everything simply slips from tongue to paper and while it's not easy, it's not hard. When my brother passed in 06, I stopped writing. Not on purpose, I simply didn't have any words. Instead, I spent my college years participate in open mics & slams using poetry I'd written when I was 16. Quite honestly, I had died as well and it's a bit difficult to express that to a crowd of people waiting for you to be live. During college, I wrote one piece in which I told God to go f*ck himself and spoke to my brother directly as I'd never done before. 4 years. One poem.It gave me my life back though. 

          You should see me in person. I think I'm hilarious. At first glance, everyone thinks they can/should try their hand. "Innocent" they call me. But when I open my mouth, the words that make their way out are just as you read them here. I get nervous on a mic, but I never get scared. Usually, I'm more pissed off than anything else. I'm always excited for the opportunity, but I can't help but to wonder if everybody watching me understands how dope I am... Cocky? Nah... Confidence. And second place is a bitch.

      I got on stage the other night --via StreetPoetsNYC -- and f*cked up this one "verse" I have over a Madonna song. I knew I wasn't ready... well... I wasn't super ready. But this piece is giving me life right now & I need to find a way to perfect it. What you end up noting though, is that there is no way to prepare for an actual event unless it's in a similar situation. I know I'm not ready for a big stage, but I'd be an idiot to not try my hand. The more you wait to do something, the more time passes you by. The most amazing part about being "good" at something, though, is how good you are when you f*ck up. 

       People love me. I've got a good persona. "Could you do that for me?" he asked. "Do what?" I responded with a side-eye. I hate being rude, so when people (mostly guys) speak to me on the train, I speak back. The part that always sucks is when they're getting closer to their stop & have to make their final attempt. "Be my friend," he replied. 

"I'm a terrible friend," I told him. 

"How's that?"

"I'm very busy."

"That's cool. I just text sometimes to say hi," he tried. 

"I don't even do that," I responded. "And that's the truth," I added on with a laugh. Everybody thinks that I'm playing around and... sometimes, I am. But always seriously. Not to downplay that open mic --It was fantastic & a group of phenomenal people --but had I not gone there, I'd have gone home to recite my newest, dopest lines to Duchess, who doesn't know how to stand and ovate. I have to go out and practice in real life. You've got to move before you're ready so that when you're ready, you know how to move. "You guys can wave back and forth with me if you'd like," I'd started out as I waited for Madonna's intro to smooth out. "One day, I'll be on a stage and you'll all do it with me anyway, watch," I told them. It wasn't premeditated, but shit like that slips through my lips often. But it's true. People don't know who to like... but I know who they should. Granted, I'm not where I aim to be... but this is a tough move I'm making. I make a spectacle of myself and hope the crowd will enjoy it.  The other night, I got up there --pretty face, heels and mascara -- and surprised them with a little "gangsta". They enjoyed it. I suppose that's all that matters. I suppose I am, indeed, the greatest.

They scream, Ella!

Don't do it!

You might fall!

The last few did. 

But if you do it, 

do it legendary:

Take them to the morgue. 

We'll help you bury. 

     

Any Respectable Women?

I can't get over myself. Some people confuse it with conceit, but I wake up me everyday. F*ck you expect? This is the first "current" post I've done in a while. Meanwhile, I'm pushing everything else aside. As you continue to read, you'll understand why. 

I'm here for the money. Living luxurious is something I've always wanted and if it's simply a matter of earning it, then I'm for it. This only become a problem when other people decide that what I've decided has an effect on them. Bizarre since everyday I go home, I go home to myself. And every 1st of the month, it's me at the post office  mailing off my rent. Everybody has everything to do with your life, but they won't put their name on that bill. 

I'm re-invigorated with truth. I just read a post on Twitter about how we "invite" the world into our lives and, why the fuck not? Doesn't make much of a difference anyway. People have a miniscule affect on my life whether I acknowledge them or not. No one lives for you. When people decide to participate in your life, I don't think it's wise to acknowledge them. Frankly, you have no idea what another person is going to do. Everyone I meet has these grandiose dreams about doing A, B and C, but unless they're doing it... what really do you have to go on?

People speak too much. The funnest parts of my day is when people come over to my desk to tell me shit that A. I already know or B. they could have emailed me about. Why are you here? That's the question I've been asking of myself as well as to those around me: Why are you here. "When am I gonna see you again," he texted me this morning. Last night, he claimed the tupperware I let him borrow weeks ago prompted him to text me. I understand. It's pink. It obviously doesn't belong to you, but if you think that's going to be an excuse to come over, you've got me twisted and fucked up. After I stop speaking to someone on that level, I don't know why they continue to linger. I couldn't do it. I feel cold shoulders and keep it pushin. But really, the issue is, what do you want from me? 

"You have nothing to say to me," I had told him. I wasn't trying to be rude. I was trying to be very honest. I had made dinner. Fettucini Alfredo. Grilled Chicken. Broccoli. For the hour I walked around the kitchen, he had nothing to say to me. He laid on my bed and literally stared at the ceiling. Not to say I need full conversation... or perhaps he was just that comfortable (already) but... hello. We had nothing to talk about. Once the facts were out, that was it. We shared music once... but other than that... I'm not sure what he's needed for. I could've cooked and ate with Duchess as I usually do. We'd have sat in silence. Duchess pays just as many bills as these niggas do, except she scares away mice and bugs. She's actually more of an asset in my life. Still, just because you take me out.... *shrugs*

Truth: The following weekend, he wanted to come back over. Basically, he wanted me to play "wifey" with no reciprocation. For a woman who works 9:30 to 7pm on weekdays, runs an online magazine, takes care of her own house and home and... is plotting to take over the world... I deserve dinner. I deserve to be offered a moment to relax. That's what people don't see. You take the time to care for them, they sit back and enjoy... but never do they consider caring for you. Niggas think that dinner & gifts are about the money. But only broke niggas think that. Dumb niggas just don't think. Before the first time he visited, I sent him a message saying "I don't like niggas to lay up in my crib. Don't get used to it." All he wanted to do was be in my shit. I stopped picking up his calls.  Once you understand the beauty of yourself and learn to enjoy your own company, you'll notice that "lonely" bullshit is exactly that. If you need company because you're lonely, it's because you don't even you think you're fun. I like me. Only thing I like more is money. 

"Money" is the honest term for "success". I meet people all the time who tell me that they're not interested in fame or fortune.  I don't like to extend the conversation much because only time will tell that. Or we'll see how they feel when fame & fortune comes. Or doesn't. I've decided that dating doesn't pay the bills (not for me at least), so I've got to get my hands dirty in other things. I decided last Thursday I want to be in shows. I have a shoot tonight at 7:30, a test shoot Saturday at 3pm, a show rehearsal Saturday at 8pm and a meeting Sunday at 5. If you want to do something, do it. Everything you stop and wonder how and try to plot out some marketing scheme, you lose time. You have to realize that only you are going to make that happen. People aren't going to help you, and if they do, they're just watching to count the pennies in your pocket. If they don't count your pennies, keep them close & break them off --That's love. I'm weary of my "supporters". I appreciate it all, but you know I'm 1000% real. If you're here with me & fuck with me because I'm me, blessings to you. Because I can't change this. This is me. This isn't a gimmick or a sales pitch. I have no idea what else to do expect be myself. 

I'm only interested in genuine shit. I don't mind giving or spending time, but when I do, I do because I want to. I'll also do it if I'm paid, but you can't pay me to do what I don't want to do. I own myself and can't no amount of money say otherwise. Can't no amount of money cause me to disrespect myelf: That is most important. As I've been reaching out to photographers and promoters, seems everyone wants me to take my clothes off. A woman's body is a marvelous thing. Sometimes, it's not even about what you do, but how. To be a woman of virtue is a blessing. To maintain that overtime is a feature worthy of celebration. I'm only interested in being myself. I know the image I'm putting out, so you're sure to see more of it. I'm confident in myself, who I'm worried about is you all. I know who I'm going to be, but have to ease the world into it --haters included, I do this for them. 

 I'm no joke.  And I don't lie. #AskAboutMe. Stay tuned. Soon as I have the photos from tonight, I'll post them for ya & you can hate/love me a little more ;) I still haven't formally introduced you all to Hani Hulu either --Fashion contributor and JWWWD's newest team member. I have much to tell you all. She's next, tho.  In the meantime, Hanihulu.blogspot.com ---- your fashion fix.   

S/O to the JWWWD team for helping the cause.  Just keep in mind that...  we're all living. And we do so every second of the day. If we're not writing... we're probably living. Just like you, we have jobs, families, friends and "others".  I encourage you to check out who we are forreal. We're real women. With ambition, determination and (most importantly) self-respect. I'm here for a reason. I want to be everything. I want to show everybody how to do what they're doing but still hold themselves to a higher caliber. I can guarantee this: We might do the same thing, but you don't quite do it like me. No offense. I can't do it like you either. We're individuals and allowed to do what we like how we'd like. But morals... you can't really escape those, can you?

#LongLiveRespectableWoman

Wish me luck. Or throw shade. Whatev *shrugs*

Love you, anyway.

-ELLA

Beyoncé at 16 - #MESSAGE

1. Put God first

2. Pray every night

3. Work hard

4. Stay humble

5. Don't listen to haters

Super Ella

Feel free to hate me in motion. 

Youtube.com/Ella4Presidents

Ask Ella: What is my Purpose & How do I Find it?

Ella,

How do I feel about blogging?  I don't know I've never done it, but it looks fun! 
I would talk about my day, my thoughts, the flowers, motherhood, relationships, depression and struggle. I'm all over the place Ella but I just have so much inside me.


I've followed you for a few months now and I love the fact that your on line magazine expresses you. Not just you, also things I think about and things I want to do. I would love if you could help me find who I am and what my purpose is. But I want to blog about my journey so that it may help another who may be going through similar situations.

I choose you because you are very busy but you seem to love your readers.  I never in a million years thought you'd respond to my questions.  Your personal interest in people .. I love that about you, it's how I feel deep inside like fire inside of me, overwhelming passion, excitement of a journey.  But first I want to understand what this overwhelming passion inside me is.

Is this something you think you would or have time to help me with?

Sincerely,
Carla


Dear Carla,

        You’ve inspired me to aspire. Funny thing is, what I aspire to do is inspire. I assure you I am as honored to speak with you as you are shocked to know I actually respond to people. Before we begin, though... I want to warn you, I speak very firmly and clearly. Some take this as a sign of hubris or conceit, but really it’s because I’ve taken the time to think before I responded to you --you know that personally, since I've tried to keep you posted. I do love my readers. What I feel for you more though, is respect. I don't just write to write bullsh*t. Here, I have the opportunity to help you. That's amazing to me. I take that seriously & need to take the time to really think about the message I give you... because, if I do my job, you'll listen. As you read, please note I've taken the time to understand how I feel about what you asked and, in my response, I mean every word. I encourage you to sit with your thoughts and listen to yourself as well.  Read along & you'll see that you already know what to do.

        What I’m giving you are methods of thinking/working/moving in this world that may help you free your truest self and help you find that peace, happiness and fulfillment you’re looking for. It may not be easy. It’s not going to be fast, but if you maintain a strong mind and a stronger will, I’m sure you’ll do everything you privately dream to. Before we begin, thank you. For... the literal compliments as well as your having faith enough in me to ask me. I am honored. I love to help people, but I refuse to help those who don’t want to be helped & I know I'm not a psychologist (changed my major ASAP freshman year because I realized I have my own issues & people with emotional issues don't need doctors, they need love), so it's very hard for me to write these. I told you I quit doing "Ask Ella" a year ago, but since you’ve reached out to me, it warms my heart that you want something so beautiful. & there was such honesty in your email that I couldn’t just bullsh*t a post (as if I ever would dare be so phony and careless).  So here we go!  I’ve come up with three pieces of advice for you.

#1 Look in the Mirror

      I can't help you find yourself because you already have you. It took me 23 years to find myself. It’d be a lie for me to say I can help find you, whom I met on Instagram. No disrespect, but I don’t know you. No one knows you more than you know yourself. What might help, though, is family. Knowing your roots; what’s made you and what grew you. I found myself a little before Christmas last year, when I tattooed “Marjorie Thousand by Francia Fung” on my arm.  I am Marjorie. My mother is Francia. I am her daughter and everything that goes along with that. I am everything she raised me to be. That is who I am.  A few weeks before I got that tattoo, I had cried myself to sleep and woke myself up to the same because I had realized it was time to let go of “friends” I could no longer associate myself with. I was on the phone with CJ when my mother walked in my room, looked in my red eyes and asked me what’s wrong. She came in as my mother --hot coffee in hand, knowing something was wrong with her baby --and left as my friend. My mother is the only person who cares for me like that. I mean like that. She'd give her life. And has. That was the first time I told a friend I had to go, so that I could sit with my mom, my first and truest friend, to ask for her advice. My mother was real with me, as she always has been. She told me, like a 58-year-old, 5-foot-nothin, Dominican Jay-Z, that no one is built like me. & that I design myself. (My mom’s the man.) I'm here to tell you that so do you.

         I know this might sound crazy, but I often stand in front of the mirror just to look myself in the eyes. I try to understand what I’m feeling. What I’m saying to myself in silence. There must be a reason I have these thoughts no one else can hear. I see myself. I take note to observe myself the way others might see me. You have to learn to love exactly what is in that mirror because that is you. You have to look yourself in the eyes because you need to learn to be honest with yourself. Don’t fear yourself. Speak to yourself. Tell yourself how you're feeling and refuse to look away. Don’t back down. Don’t fear who you are. Don’t be your own enemy. Look at yourself the way others should see you. Smile at your “flaws,” for they make you who you are. If you want to speak to people, you have to see yourself how they will. Treat yourself how they will. You set precedence. People only treat you the way you treat yourself. & if you can’t stand/respect/trust/value/love you, why should anyone else? Eventually, you’ll be able to look in the mirror and smile and glow and see the beauty emanating from within.  That beauty is your soul. & when you begin to understand the beauty of your soul, you'll see it in other people & they will see it in you. We are all soul mates. It's crazy to me that I'm the same person I was years ago, but when I used to look in the mirror, I despised every single bit of me. We can't do that. In order to love the world, you've got to start within. You are the world.  Secretly, we're all the same. Supposedly made in the image of The One. How can we be imperfect? How can we be different?

       I can’t tell you what your passion is because you are the only one who feels it. So if you are the one who holds it, you need to take some time to speak with yourself. Understand who you are. Like any other subject, you have to understand the history of it. What happened? When did it happen? Why did it happen? What happened afterwards? How has that led up to today? You need to fully understand what makes you you. 

        Writing helped me understand myself. I take writing seriously because... it's what I love to do. I want to caution you against writing simply because "Ella" does it.  I do it because I've been writing exactly like this since I was 6 years old. I just knew less words and made more spelling mistakes. Writing is what I do. Whatever you end up blogging/doing, make sure it's what you do that expresses you. Writing though, is helpful for anyone, I'd argue. Sometimes, you need a written reminder. What happened? I wrote that shit down. I can literally tell you what was going through my mind a year ago. Take the time to be your own best friend. Listen to your own story, first. Because, when you do begin writing, remember that you are your audience. Your readers will read your work because of you --because you are like them. The things you wished someone would have said to you, say to them. Treat them like your children, but understand they are individuals. Guide them in the manner you wish you could have been guided. Whatever was missing for you, give them. For example, I didn’t start speaking to my mother, in depth, until I was 22 (two years ago). I couldn’t ask her questions I wish I could have. Frankly, I didn't like her. She knows it. Same with my sister. Didn't like her either. I only respected my brother and he was like an overprotective dad. I couldn't tell him nothing but how many points I scored in the game that day. I wanted someone to reach out to for the tough questions. Someone who wouldn’t judge me, but would be honest. Someone whose actions and character I respected who was willing to speak to me as an equal. Hopefully, that is what I can be for you.

#2 Get A Life

I know that sounds rude, but you’ll get it. Get it!? ;) 

  Here’s the truth: Unfortunately, I can’t babysit you, but I can cheer you on all the way. I wake up everyday at 5am to feed Duchess. Sometimes she lets me rock & enjoy my rest until 6. I try to give her time digest her food so she can go before I leave the house at 8. From 5:30-6, I cool out, lay in bed and hug & kiss my puppy since I have long work-days & she’s got to get as much love & attention as I can give. She's young & this time is important for us. At 6am, I make my coffee & clean if I have to. 6:30am I read a passage from the Good Book. 7am, I get in the shower & start getting ready for work.  I catch the 8:12am bus to the train. My train ride to work is about an hour long. From 9:30-7pm, Monday-Friday, I bust my ass for a paycheck. I do sit at a computer all day, but I do have shit to do (I even eat lunch at my desk, it's so busy). I have plenty responsibility because I've asked for it. I'm not lazy. I'm pretty f*ckin brilliant and entry-level is where you prove yourself. When I don't have work to do, I create it. I work in advance so that I can get ahead. 

     Regardless of the fact that I want this magazine to blow so I can quit, I enjoy my day job. I do it the best it’s been done, I’ve been told. While I’m on their time, I invest myself 1000%, as I do in everything I take on. Just because I have the online magazine (and want it to be my life) doesn’t mean I half-ass everything else. I’m a hard worker. All day. I commit myself to everything I do --even in raising my puppy. Life is serious to me. After my hour train ride, I get home at about 8pm & feed Duchess and we hug & kiss a little more. Then I make dinner & pack my lunch for the next day. I do the dishes. Take a shower, get ready for bed & by about 10pm, I’m done with my duties. From 10-11, I do what makes me happy. At 11pm, I read another passage from The Book. I try to be in bed by 12am because, 5am is around the corner. On Saturdays, I try to schedule something for the magazine, whether it’s an interview, an event or simply truly living my mantra and doing #JustWhatWeWannaDo. Sometimes, that means I sit in the house and kiss Duchess. Sometimes that means go to Tiffany’s and look at diamonds. On Sundays, I rest. Please note I haven't even touched on my personal life. I need time to play and enjoy myself. I'm also not one of those angry girls who can't find a man. I date. And very well. I just keep my business to myself. (When I'm ready to talk about that... I will.) By telling you all of this, I hope  you understand that, yes, I am busy. I am chasing my dreams and I have to commit myself to them completely. I never stop. I’m fully invested. This magazine is my heart, and the only thing I love more is my life --I’m blessed to have a plan to make them go hand-in-hand. But it's all still in the works, so, no, I don't have much free time. If I can mentor you in the least bit, I hope it’s in my leading by example. I am just like you. I don’t have all the answers. I’m still working my ass off on this Earth. It ain’t heaven just yet. I can’t commit myself to do anything for any person constantly --especially if that person isn’t me. 

       I’ve finally understood the value of myself. I need to help myself. You don’t need all the help you think you do. You simply need to have more faith in what lies inside of you. While we are here to support other people, I believe that we should lead more by example. I can’t agree to help you because that would mean it’s okay for you to take away from your time and your life, too. I don’t want you to do that. Some call me selfish for feeling that way, but I think it's better than letting people down. By declining a proposed “mentor-ship” of sorts, I hope to free you. You need to take control of your own life --that’s the only way to live it fully. No one can live for you. If you’re going to figure out what your life means, you’ve got to take a hold of it and claim ownership of your existence. Now. Only when you’ve claimed your life in its entirety, can you assemble the pieces and understand the “purpose” you’re looking for. If you keep giving people pieces of your puzzle, you’ll never have the full picture.

#3 Just F*ckin Do It. 

       You already know what you wanna do. "I want to blog about my journey so that it may help another who may be going through the similar situation," said you. The next step is to just do it. Nowadays, everyone is so corporate, they’re going to tell you some dumb sh*t you already know --Get a website. Start writing. If you want details on “How to Blog,” I’m not the one for that; Google is. I believe that all that sh*t is phony to the core --no one can tell you how to write about your life or how to help others. There isn’t a method or recipe for truth other than to follow your heart and do the best you can to remain positive. If documenting your journey is how you best see fit, then just do it. The medium you should use is what makes you most comfortable. For example, painters paint *shrugs*.

      You don’t need permission. Whatever site you wanna use, use it.  (I use Blogger.com. You can also use WordPress.com, but if you have specific questions, Google has the most answers.) Whatever you wanna say, say it. However you wanna promote, promote it. Along the way, opportunities arise and it’s on you to look out for them. Everyone likes the “networking” idea,  but I prefer to connect with people. If your writing is supposed to be about helping people, then when someone needs help, you should help. Perhaps you'll say, “Hey, this is my site, you should check it out when you have free time.” It’s most beneficial to have a business card to go along with it, because people don’t remember anything unless they really want to. On the business end of it, I say, continue to challenge yourself & never quit. Yes, I believe it is that simple. Because those who love you truly will continue to do so. & supporters are supporters. It doesn't sound to me like you're here for the money, so if/when financials become a factor, remember what you're really here for. If you’re wondering how to trick/lure/entice readers into finding and reading your blog, that’s not my specialty. You can team up with a PR/Marketing Group & they’ll help you with that. I like natural readership. Everybody who reads me, reads me because they read me. I truly don’t give a f*ck enough to concern myself with who's clicking where. I write. I live. I love. That’s all I care about. Whoever doesn't like what I do can some find some other self-interested, phony site to entertain themselves with. If it’s blogging that your heart desires, do it. First though, you need to approach this as you would any other hobby/task/activity/game --you need to understand what it is first. Blogging is the act of constantly telling people what you do. Blogger is a website. Blogger.com, to be exact. To help people on their journey is much different from “blogging”.


     If it’s a journey you’re detailing, you’d better actually embark on that journey. As I write this, it’s a Friday night and there is far too much to do. I’m considering a new venture with a friend you all might enjoy (S/O to expansion). I was supposed to meet him for drinks, but I have a 9:15am bus to catch tomorrow to Philly. I could have gone. It’s only 10:38pm, but I want to write this more than I want to do anything else.  The secret to doing what you want to do, the way it needs to be done, is to do what you want to do. You’ll end up doing what you’re supposed to be doing --what makes you happiest and expresses you as an individual. Where ever your heart is, is exactly where it needs to be. As I thought about writing this, I considered what you might want and/or need to hear. Not that I’m not concerned with your well being, but if you’ve reached out to me, it’s because you feel comfortable with me. Given I only have one shell, I have no choice but to be me. So f*ck what you need or want, ELLATHOUGHT.com simply gives you what I think. This is my world and I respect the guidelines I've set for myself. I respect myself. I didn’t always like what I saw in the mirror. I assume that’s what you’ve gathered from reading me. Tending to yourself and your soul are the most important things in the world. I refuse to believe any theory that differs.

 

#4. Be God-like

     As for spiritually, what you should do: Follow your heart. Whatever you are supposed to be doing here, make sure you do it. Stick to your guns. Be a woman of your word. Sometimes, we like to tell ourselves how great we are and how much we’re changing, but when difficult challenges come our way, it’s easy to go against ourselves --especially if no one will find out. That is where I struggle today. If you put yourself into the light to help other people find their way, you need to stay in the light where you can be seen. You need to be aware that if you stray into the dark, they’ll follow you there. You are now responsible. It’s kind of like how Nicki Minaj said, “I do this for the girls who never thought they could win,” and then followed by releasing a song call “Stupid Hoe” with herself in a cage shaking her ass. You have to be conscious of what you’re putting out there. Every footstep in the sand matters.

      “Our purpose here is to act on Earth like it's heaven,” Tyesha answered. Here we were, drinking champagne from plastic cups in  Times Square, toasting to her clothing line, Glam Addiction Designs, JWWWD Magazine, success, the empowerment of Our People and His grace. This morning, I told a friend that, sometimes, I worry that I ruin the mood. Instead of yelling and screaming and throwing myself at men, I would much rather sit around a table and ask two girls I have never met before what they think our purpose on Earth is --I needed to hear input other than my own before I wrote this. It was their first night out with me, so I apologized about how heavy my conversation tends to be, but it ended up that they were more than happy to speak about faith, belief, the bible, God and life with me --at 12am on a beautiful summer Saturday night on the streets of New York City, mind you.

       I believe your purpose here is the same as mine. To be happy. To make the world a better place by making your life (which is your world) a better place. That "fire" you mentioned is a marvelous thing. It burns the whole of you. It’s blinding. It makes you squint your eyes and tighten your cheeks. It makes you smile. If you’re already feeling that, you’re halfway there. This is where I feel comfortable speaking to you about God. I don’t know what you call him. In my opinion, that higher power has manifested itself in so many different forms simply to reach us all. He/She looks like what you want him/her to look like. Says what you want to hear. Does what you think should be done. The idol you keep is extremely important. As I had this conversation last night, I can’t sit back and deny my Catholic God --the same one who taught me to accept all people. I believe (like Lauryn Hill said on her UnPlugged) God speaks to the hearts of people better than any of us and he'll find his way to you whether you want him to or not. Perhaps through my encouraging you. Finding faith has grounded me. Also, in grounding myself, I’ve found faith. At the same rate, I’ve got a couple pages left in Jean-Paul Satre’s Existential and Human Emotions (post coming soon!) in which he argues that every man is responsible for the outcome of his life (“man” used loosely in a sexist epoch). We don’t have a defined “duty” on this Earth. Plants and animals are food, but what are we?

        I believe we are here to live life to the limit and love it a lot. But we decide that "limit" depending on how much faith we have in ourselves. We are to be thankful for each day and try to make the best of it. But each day, as we decide with to do with those 24 hours, you work them on your set of values. If you value love, spread love. (That’s my mission.) Peace? Respect? Honesty? Loyalty? It works on the other end of the spectrum, too. He who lies spreads lies. Some goes for hate, stress and drama. I believe the deities we revere simply personify the qualities we value. Jesus was dope, in my opinion. & he’s the only one who said he was the Son of God, so... if that’s what he said, I have no proof otherwise. I’m Marjorie Thousand by Francia Fung & you better f*ckin believe it.  I admire Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Muhammad, Martin Luther King, Malcom X, Heuy Newton, Sojourner Truth and any other folk --living or dead, present, past or future --who aim to make the world a better place. Even if they made mistakes. Even if I didn’t agree. There are people who agreed with Hitler for a reason. Not saying I agree... but I simply understand what he was thinking. He wanted the world to be a better place --for him. It’s the selfishness that made it wrong & drove the rest to be inhumane. I think that is our purpose. To improve the conditions of living, but we forget that it should be for all mankind. Still, there are so many of us, with so many different stories, we each have to play our part... perhaps you’ve been called to play yours.

       I want to make the world a better place. Especially for women. Especially for women who look like me. I want us to be able to sit at tables with each other and cease the judgement. I want to help our men. I want us, as the human species, to be able to speak with one another and share love. I want us to discuss how to make the world a safer, happier place and one day, put those ideas to work. I want this to be heaven. So badly. I remember when I hated it here. I recall the days I felt alone because I couldn’t see the love that surrounded me. Like the day I sat with my face in the toilet, my mother asking me what I ate that got me so sick, but I couldn’t say “Asprin.” I keep no secrets about myself, I don’t pretend to hold any fame. I unleash my truths methodically and measure them carefully. That’s why that last truth is at the bottom of this piece and in the middle of this paragraph --because those who couldn’t make it through the first portion of this post damned sure wouldn’t be able handle the end of it. I hope you understand that I understand this world is a dangerous place, but we are the most deadly to ourselves. You need to love and believe in yourself. Anything you want to do, you can do it. You’ve simply got to invest your heart into it.

And, please, don’t forget to talk about the flowers.

Much love & many, many blessings,

ELLA <3

Everyone Knows.

        I didn't even know I wanted to talk about it until I saw the picture to the right. I spend my days doing the usual, being genuine. I check my Facebook to ignore my friends, tweet dope shit on Twitter to flutter the birds and online shop for shit I can't afford. My Tumblr tumbles whatever is linked and I roll with it. Whenever the mood strikes me, I Pin the dopest shit I can find on the my dope array of Pintrest boards or record whatever the fuck I feel like on my Youtube. Frankly, I don't give a damn what you all want to see. I do what I wanna do. (This is JWWWD: The Online Magaizine where we do #JustWhatWeWannaDo  after all. And, ask the team, I don't bullshit when I say it. ) I don't speak to anyone really, but I'm online all day. If you need me you can find me. 

       I need people to stay the fuck out my phone because I really don't have time to devote to nothing. I'm 24. I've got to get rich soon. Most conversation is pointless. You already know how the other person feels. When you have the conversation, you're either just insecure and trying to confirm what you think, or you're ready for battle and need to expose that person's folly. It seems most conversation we take part in is either to applaud ourselves or bash an enemy. We only join forces with those who like the same things we do or hate the same things we do. After a difference of opinion, most people turn away and make no further effort. I understand, because when a conversation goes sour, I also leave it out to dry. But the difference between myself and the next person is that I've stopped putting in effort from the very beginning. 

         Everybody is right. As individuals, we're trapped in our own minds. As a species, we're blessed enough to be able to communicate and solve problems peacefully --although some would prefer a more beastly, kingly approach --kill the males; rape the women. I'm tired of stress and drama.  I watched myself shed 4 tears recently, wiped them and laughed at myself. This world is ruthless, it doesn't give a fuck about what comes out of my eyes or what's gone into them. People can only see what they see. They only feel what they feel. I'm always right for myself, too. I learned long ago not to argue with fools.  Then I learned the relation of fools and love and veered from that as well. "You got a man?" he asked me. I'd watched him perform earlier that night, not sure who he was but tonight he was just with the band. 

         "You here to get women?" I asked him.

         "Well, I mean. If it happens..." 

       "I'm here to listen to music. Enjoy your night," I said as I chucked the deuce over my head and walked to my place by the stage. No one ever asks me how I'm feeling. How my day is going. If I'm feeling healthy. If my heart has healed. No one asks, so I can only assume no one cares. & until they start to act like it, I'll assume I'm correct. 

           I feel broken down everyday. Somehow I manage to smile. I don't know how I do it. Maybe that's why I've been feeling NaS's Life is Good so heavily. No matter what, life is good. It was my brother's 35th birthday on Tuesday the 24th. It was also ELLATHOUGHT.com's 2-year anniversary. I actually am looking into providing creative services. I'm into online advertising --especially in creating websites. Check out my new "Money G Thousand" sit by clicking here... might transfer PresidentElla.com over to it. I haven't decided yet & I just go with what makes my heart smile & hope you all enjoy it along with me. Also worked on EastBrookFamilia.com so check it out. I think the site looks dope. Lemme know how I did! (& if you're interested in one of your own. #Work) I understand that ELLATHOUGHT.com is not conventional, nor will it ever be. I'm just not phony enough. This blog is simply a way to keep me true to that. I plan on doing everything I say if I haven't already done it. If you think you have ambition, you've never had a conversation with me. I'll inspire God when I get there, I promise. You see, I can't fail. Not only because I don't want to or because I'm too skilled, but because I've found an inner peace some call God, others call  by other names, but I call my Self. 

             Not only do I know who I am, but everybody else gets  the gist of it, too. Typically, when I walk in a room, sit down to a meeting or approach a mic, people look at me like a chump. After a couple of minutes, they still don't know who I am, but they know what I'm not. I am not the average. Most of the people you've met are --especially the best of them. The wave of mediocrity has washed over even the most potentially dope. The truly fantastic are few and far between. Please don't take this as conceit, but I'm one of them. I'd be a sin to deny my God-given ability. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone, I'm just saying that I know who I am. And I'm damned sure the best at that. 

             I don't mad anymore, I get a little flustered, a little stressed. I make sure I keep those feelings at the bare minimum. I don't stop saying how I feel and I never hold back truth, I just refuse to take part in negativity. I don't keep myself in spaces where there's too much negativity and the possibility of "hate" --FYI: hate is contagious, keep your distance. I went to the Extraordinary Words Open Mic on Monday to try out new pieces. When I arrived, I was greeted by familiar faces which made the surrounding a lot more comfortable. Regardless, the conversation got a little uncomfortable.  My favorite topic is celebrity. I find celebrities interesting, not because of what they do, but of how people sit around and talk about them like they know them. (You can count on me to talk about Mr. Carter in that fashion.) What's more interesting is how people speak upon celebrities like they've met them and sat down for a conversation with them. We all know most of the shit that goes on in famous peoples lives --whether on purpose or not, whether we like it or not. I think our biggest folly is when we decide that what we've heard is not only the truth, but full truth. Just because you hear a story, doesn't mean that's all of it. And just because a person speaks and you can hear it, doesn't mean they were speaking to you. have you told your best friends everything you've ever done? Be honest. Why would you think you know Kanye West inside and out? 

          Everyone's on a quest to figure out who they are, but they need to understand a little better who they are not. You are not anyone else. So before you go ahead and decide you know the truth about that person and their situation, you need to step back and remember you only know your business. & if you're busy minding someone else's, your business is bound to fuck up. People need to worry about themselves more. If we each took responsibility for our own actions, it wouldn't fall on anyone to have to carry the rest.  We're each individuals and need to begin to understand that. Bobby and Juicy Stone performed "Stay Out My Phone" at The Pyramid Club last night, but we really need a "Stay Out My Business" single for the general public. I sat at a table with two people I didn't know talking about two people none of us had met. I simply couldn't get off that point. "Kobe and Kanye are arrogant," was the statement. I say, I don't know them. I have no experience with them. And they aren't in the room to defend themselves, so the conversation is dumb and walking the thin line between conversation and hate. How can I judge a 30-something year old man off 30-minutes of what I saw? You don't know people... and that's okay. 

        "So if I feel some way about him, I should sit here and say nothing?" I was asked. Yes. I believe so. I believe what you think about another person doesn't f*ckin matter, especially when you've never met him and never will. Actually... the only thing that matters is the negative energy you spew every time you voice your "opinion" of things. If you don't like something, don't deal with it. Don't like the music? Don't listen. Don't like the food? Don't eat it. Don't like the show? Don't watch it --I don't own a TV and pretty much only play Jay-Z and Beyoncé. You don't have to ingest everything out there. You keep taking in shit you don't need, you'll keep spitting it back out. We don't need that in this world. Perhaps if you prayed for Kobe while he was on that stand, about to lose his life, it would reach God and help change him. Instead, you sit back with judgment. Your commentary does nothing. And granted, you could do nothing to stop Kanye from doing rockstar shit, but you can pray that it makes him happy, but that he remains sane and safe. You can make an effort to put positive energy into the world. 

        Smiling isn't always easy, but someone's gotta do it.  The world is tough, but you've got to power through it. Do not be swayed or you will fall over. Plant your feet into the ground and take your stand. If you're not fighting for what is yours --your dreams, your goals, your love -- then who is? If you're not making the effort to be happy, you never will be. You can't always count on people to please you --their purpose is not to please you, even if they are entertainment. Actors and Actresses entertain us, but the best of them find their own joy in performing. It's not about me or you unless it's about me or you. 

          This life is yours, you decide how you'll live it. Make your own choices and weigh them so that the outcome has more positive than negative. And allow others to make their own choices. If you do not agree with them, consider it a lesson learned for you. But you've got to let every man try and fail for themselves because when it comes time for your trials, no one is going to go to war for you. We each fight our own battles here. On judgement day, we each face whatever the fuck that's gonna be like for ourselves. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep them in your hearts, not on your backs. It is a blessing to be able to help another --if you can, you should because greed will only take you under, but we are not meant to carry or depend on others for too long or you'll become worthless. Immobile. Teach a man to fish. Walk on your own feet and use your own hands because everybody else can, too. & when the next person sees your worth, they'll recognize it. Especially if they pretend not to. 

Live your own life, today. 

ELLA <3