Ask ELLA: How do I Waste Less Time?

       

  "Sometimes, it feels like you hold back," he said.  That was the best Christmas gift I had ever gotten. Sometimes, I'm amazed when people are brazen enough to be honest with me. My cousin Kiko isn't even really my cousin, I don't think. But he has been since we were 13 and he happens to be a fan of my writing. An honest one, but that's only because he knows me for the stranger I am. 

          You can't tell everyone everything. They simply can't handle it. You never know how they're going to react, what they're going to do with it. Secretly, everyone is looking for everyone else's flaw, that damned thing that makes us all human. The problems arise when something thinks they've cued in on this "flaw," where they think they have you defeated. But defeat only occurs if you acknowledge that trait as a flaw. If not, that person is busy focusing on a battle that doesn't even exist. With this I say as they've said: Choose your battles wisely. Most battles aren't worth fighting. Most fights aren't worth the spoils. People will always attack you, especially if you seem like a challenge. But why waste your time getting scratched up in scuffles? I interact with less and less people, saving myself from more and more drama. If something seems like a waste of time, the very first thing you should learn to do is excuse yourself. Don't engage. Don't participate.

        I'm also learning to speak less. Or maybe I'm being taught to say less. I mean... what is there to discuss? People really do talk too much. Some of the conversations we have get us nowhere, and sometimes people simply need a means of interacting with you simply to have contact. Small talk. Time's a wasting. What I've also noticed is that most people's means of interacting are in the form of an argument. Just as often as women catch attitude for a little attention, men like to say or do things that are mildly offensive so they can have some affect on you. (S/O to the men who, "that ain't your hair" as I walk down the street). There are some things we find engaging in relationships. We like to have war stories to tell. We think that what we've "been through" bonds us together, but that should be as partners on one-side, not as feuding lovers. Or maybe that's just not for me. But sometimes, we do waste our precious time holding onto something we think we're supposed to "fight" for, instead of spending your time graciously contemplating the ease and joy this person brings into your life. If a person isn't bringing positivity into your life, and doesn't make things easier... what do you want them for? You can't complain about the stress if you invite it to stay. The easiest way to avoid stressful conversations is to avoid stressful people. 

            Can you tell something happened? This is where I hold back. The most difficult part about being a writer, and an honest one, if that your emotions are going to go public at some point, and people are offended by different things --especially words. The easiest way to stop wasting time is to stop giving situations and occurrences such great importance. We let people and they way they feel (and the ways we feel about them) control our everyday emotions. Can't trust your best friend? Cut her off. Can't trust your man? Cut him off. Either that, or deal with it quietly. There are some battles we choose to fight, and each of those for our own reasons. But centralize your focus, you can't fight every battle. There will always be bullsht to deal with,  you've got to decide which is more beneficial to clean up. Some bullsht will help you grown, but mostly, it's just a mess. If you're ever upset because of a person, you need to check that person. People who love you don't want to upset you. Sometimes we even stay around because of the people around that person, but don't be fooled. That person is responsible for how they interact with you. Continue to be a good person, but keep an eye on how much you give. You shouldn't expect to receive, but when you get nothing, take note of how much nothing they think you deserve. And then turn them into nothing. Cut. Everybody. Off.

         I know they say all relationships have their ups and downs, but how many down's really? Why not progress peacefully? Why is that not a possibility? In my opinion, we waste our time building, monitoring and maintaining relationships that are destined to fail. I don't think this is a "bad" thing per say, I think people come in and out of our lives, but only as much as we allow them to. Me? I'm tired of all that. Every day, I make decisions based on how I re-tell the story to my children. Maybe that's too much. Maybe that's how it should be. Sometimes, I make decisions I question, but I make them with the best possible intentions. And I pray. Mostly I ask for patience and wisdom. I want to be able to sit back and understand the cards on the table before I make my move. But when I make my move, I need it to be exactly what it needs to be.

             Anyone aiming for an ideal knows things will take longer than we hope. So, enjoy the time while you work. The best relationships, in my opinion, are the ones where you can work side by side, towards a common goal and not distract each other. In amazing relationships, you can work side by side towards individual goals and continue to help each other produce. I have very few people in my life --to few for some, but that's how I prefer it. Sometimes, I sit back and think about all the people I would rather not hang out with and I come off cold, even to myself. But... I don't have any drama in my life. I'm not worried about who to trust. The people left in my life bring positivity, and that only. The things I "need" to do are all things I enjoy. The things I miss out on, it's probably better that I did. During those times when you're bored and alone, you should probably try to find whatever it is you're good at, whatever makes you happy, whatever might be lucrative and beneficial to you in the future.

        The truth is, no one cares how they affect you. So be who you're supposed to be right now.  They only know what they do. Ignore everyone. Do what you have to do so that when people think back and reflect on their interactions with you, all they can say is, "that was real." I don't worry about anyone's interpretations of things in the moment, because they probably aren't looking at it in the way I am... but if we don't see things the same way, where is this going, really? Sometimes we just don't want the same things as people. We disagree more than we agree. It's ok to let those folks go. To let those situations pass. We don't need to overtly involve ourselves in everything and with everyone --especially not women, in my opinion. We truly are the company we keep. We're grouped together, whether we like it or not. I actually hate to feel that way, but we women have a difficult time acknowledging societal views. We can be as free as we want to be. As modern as we strive to be, but in everyone's head is a secret definition of what a woman is. You are defined before you know it. So be yourself, and where whatever title you're given with pride. But me? I won't share someone's robes. Good or bad. I'd prefer my own.

        Spend more time with yourself. Doing what you want. For your own reasons. Under your own guidance. That way, any decisions you do make will be yours. It won't be wasted, it'll be the decisions you make. You will have earned everything given to you, everything that happens to you. Take control of yourself, your situations, your surroundings, your engagements. Take more time to decide whether to waste the time before you keep engaging. Decide if the issue is worth keeping before you fix it. Stop wasting your time, spend it wisely instead.

      Oh... and always be a good person. Be the better person than you even want to be... then there's nothing really to argue or worry about --you didn't do anything wrong. Just thank God & keep it groovy. *shrugs*

That's how I feel, anyhow. 

Ella.

Ask ELLA: How do you know it's right?

          

   

      Easy answer: If it's right, it can't be wrong, by definition. *shrugs*  Life is simpler than we think. Sometimes, you've just got to submit to the reality of what is, and compare that to what you think it's supposed to be. From there, you can judge the situation. The only way to make sure things are "right" is to allow them to be what they are - naturally - as well as to deal with them in the same way.

ASK ELLA: Do you Believe in Destiny?

     

        I have no qualms against mediocre shit, it provides something for me to be measured against. The only concern arises is when mediocre is the best it gets. "What do you do?" is the question I'm asked most; if I can't sing a song to answer the question, I usually respond, "I write." If it has anything to do with words, I does that. Not only that, I do it beyond how I'm expected to. Better than that, I never cease to be myself. The way most people end up being mediocre is when they compare themselves against a standard: Most of the time you end up being a bad replica of something that already exists & no one really likes a copy. We need more original shit. Humans are each unique individuals; If I know anything for sure, it's that you were meant to be you.

In Lieu of Judgment Day

Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:19

       I met him at Perfections, a Gentleman's club --I call these particular venues strip clubs, but strippers are also called "dancers" *shrugs*. I'm still not sure about how to feel about meeting someone there & I suppose he was trying to figure out the same. That's why he'd asked me why I was there in the first place. I'd gone for a homie's birthday (made a brilliant fool of myself trying to get him in with an expired ID, but I did get him in) and had sat myself in a corner when my new friend took a moment to be a gentlemen and offer me a drink.  As he walked back to me and handed me my staple, Henny con cranberry, the guy I had spoken to briefly on the other side of the bar walked by and I couldn't help but to look him in the eyes & laugh.  Strip clubs are interesting... they make you wonder what everyone is there for. I understand now that I'm not a strip club kinda girl. I would go there for a celebration, when I have enough dollar bills to make the ladies feel what they're doing is worth it, but on a regular night? As a regular? Not for me. 

"I like to put myself into situations to see how I'll react," I told him. 

      "Wow," he responded, the shock evident in his eyes. "I've never heard that before. You're like... 8 steps ahead of me." It seemed much of what I said surprised him. I have the tendency to tell people they haven't met many real women because they find me so foreign. If they aren't used to my responses, I assume they haven't heard them before. I understand I'm an odd individual, but obviously I find myself to be so sane. 

       Ballers ball out. Strip clubs are all about money. The dancers are there for a reason and that reason is not for fun. All kinds of groups frequent the spot, including many females. Most often, they have a friend/favorite they come and spend their money on. Then there's those who just enjoy the sight of women *raises hand*. I think women are beautiful. If they would dance on pedestals everywhere I went, I think that'd be fabulous, but I'd want them to keep their clothes on. Naked strippers make me uncomfortable lol (guess that's not a strip club, then). There are those who go for the purpose of just... making it rain. Some people want to spend money. Looking good makes people feel good. You can purchase attention. There's also a very thirsty crowd --which includes the guy I laughed at. For one of the rotations (the ladies switch from the stage to the floor, giving each an opportunity to dance & keeping the patrons' attention), there was barely any money being thrown out. I walked over to the side of the stage my favorite girl was on, and tried to attract someone who'd do something. It only half worked --he came over and asked, "Can I get a dance?" Like I've been learning to do more often, I gave him my hand, palm up. He reached in his pocket and pull out one dingy dollar bill and placed it reluctantly in my palm. As my eyebrows raised and my head tilted he asked, "So when do you go on?" sliding his hand around my waist.   

The Truth of It.

Sometimes you just wanna give someone a swift jab to the face. The reason is secondary, but the emotion remains. It's just so hard to deal with people. Always. All of them.

          The first thing people see is what you look like. I'm 5'2 I'm not mad at it. I understand --it doesn't disgust me any less. I performed at The Paul Robeson Theatre this passed Saturday, January 12th (watch the videos here). I made it to the building at about 9pm & walked into the most beautiful faces I know: My family. My cousins are everything I have (If you haven't realized this yet, read my previous post, "XMas Presence").  I have trouble asking people to come out and spend their hard-earned money, so when this passed show came around, I invited everyone with a warning. Unless I can get you in free, I don't "invite". I don't think anyone should. "El quien invita paga," my mother says. He who invites, pays.

       Our most fatal mistake occurs when we forget the extent  to which other people exist. We fail to see the completeness of their humanity. I don't expect support. Perhaps that's why I value it so much. I know people don't have to take the time out of their lives to watch me experiment with life. My cousin Jay has three kids he never forgets about so neither can I. My cousin Ed is the father of an Angry Birds champion. Aside from their lives as parents, they also have their own lives, careers, responsibilities, partners... everything. They exist outside of me and I respect that. I encourage it. We are individuals and need to lead our lives as such.

Ask Ella: How Do I Make my Dreams Real?

Hello Hello!!!

Hope all is well with you! You seem to be doing well not that I expected otherwise. I try to keep up when you post things and stuff (I am not just saying that) and they are always interesting. Good shit… keep it up!

Besides the blogging that you do, what exactly do you do? Where do you work in NY? Do you like it? I want to know becauseeeeeeee… this girl right here wants to move to NYC!!! Not a surprise, huh? I outgrew RI a long time ago… ready for bigger and better (Boston in NOT the wave but it’s cool) haha... So then I started to freak out and began to think things like “If I teach in RI, then hypothetically I can save more money and spend a couple of years with mami and the kids, etc” But it felt so wrong to think all of those things because I have had my heart set on moving to the city for a couple of years now. I mean, it is the best city in the world if you ask me! lol Also, I will still be young and want to be in a city where I could come alive as young adult and a professional. RI doesn’t give you life…even if you try. I can’t knock home because home is home but we both know what it is.

I just don’t know if I am rushing a dream or avoiding one...

So my question for you is what thoughts led you or what reassured you that moving to NYC was “it.” You know? Did you just go for it? I don’t doubt myself I know I can make the city work but facing another major transitional phase in one’s life is just so overwhelming.  When it comes to anything in question, how do you seek your truest answer?

-(excerpt of a letter from) Remy

Yo, yo! 

It's always a blessing to have people I know forreal reach out. Since you already know I keep it funky, here we go with some answers.

Dating and Debating

One year ago, I thought...

9.21.11

You see... people do the same things. All of them. Anyone can hold your hand. A kiss is a kiss, it can only get so good --hopefully perfected. Sex is sex at the end of the day --hopefully perfected. Still, it's the feeling that comes along with it. The feeling that you wouldn't trade anything for those fingers, those lips, that touch. It's the mere fact that it's coming from him that illicit orgasms in your heart. And if a man can do that... why deny him? Why fight him. Sometimes... there is little you can control. You can either focus on what the rest of the world considers a "eligible" man, or you can determine the prerequisites on your own. But remember, you're the one who has to love him. Would you love him forever? Would you really? In spite of all he's done? 

       Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in what a person did before you met them, that we fail to see them for who they are. Personally, I'm not interested in the past. I'm sure it had a great affect on who you've become, but who you are in the moment matters most to me. I used to be 18. I used to be 15. I used to be 6... At each of those ages, my life changed drastically and have shaped me... but today, I am who I am. The same goes for my men out there. There are different worlds black people have to travel --and I'm speaking of a particular sector that's influenced not only by color of skin but by socio-ecominic struggles as well. Those worlds range from real, to street, to work to school... they are all world you have to navigate on your own. We all find our way through it in whatever form we're best at. I write. Others steal. Some gamble. Others monopolize. Some employ slave-like labor in international factories. There are many more bad people out there than my man is. He may have committed some sins, but if your God is as great as you think he is, I'm sure he's already forgiven him --or soon will.

Today, I believe...

9.21.12

I try my very hardest to give all men a fair chance. Especially after I wrote All Men are Created Equal. But I never fail to remember that I don't have to make The Exceptions people think I have to.  

Recently spent time getting to know myself by getting to know my mother.  We went to a couple of antique spots and the photo posted here is of some random places at one of the stored. I posted the photo on instagram the other day & new friend of mine asked which one of the 6 listed I preferred. "#7 a man with the integrity of 5 average men combined," I responded. "Good Luck with that now a days..." he posted back, "till then there is always match.com." He's a comedian -_- (literally, tho). Still, I can't ever help but to respond as needed on my  instagram. "Thanks for the good wishes," I wrote back. Invite you to the wedding perhaps." 

If someone isn't everything you need them to be, they let you know that. All you've got to do is listen. If you tell a man what you want, and he argues that it's not possible, it's because he can't do it. Not that this guy was interested in me, but it's precisely the reason why this is a good example. We don't see life the same way, and that is very okay. People say exactly what they mean and are exactly who they are, especially when they don't want to be. So the next time you "try" to find a "soul mate" tell them the truth about how you feel and what you want. If they disagree, they disagree. My last brief dating stint ended, in part, because I'm not sure I have the strength to teach a man to believe in God. *shrugs* It's taken me 24 years to say out loud that I believe. Imagine my trying to convince a grown man what to believe in? Maybe it's not important right when you start dating but... it's until you realize that dating ain't shit but the trail period. If you don't like the trail period, why would you buy the package? If you argue all the time, you argue all the time. If he's a jerk, he's a jerk. Now, whether or not you are willing to put up with those things are one side of the coin. But there are two sides.

"You're always smiling," people like  to comment. I smile my response. People want to see you upset. They want to see if they can make you crumble --whether intentional or not. We're a species built on the theory of "survival of the fittest". You know a weak link  as soon as it shows it's pitiful face. I talk about this all the time, but people doubt me often. Perhaps my small frame is misleading or attractive to emotional bullies. Still, while I know he mean no harm, I couldn't wrap my head around why he'd bring such negative commentary to my positivity. The answer is simple: People like the negative. Negative seems to be easier to relate to.  Fighting the "good" battle is a tough one. I recommend you tune into the 2012 Presidential Debates as a testimony to it.

Prince Charming is out there.  Yep. I still believe :) If he's not, then maybe that reincarnation shit will work (you never know) & I'll be who he needs me to be in my next life. Thing is, if I'm on my shit enough to deserve him, why shouldn't I believe? Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect... buuuut I am. I should be perfect for him and he should be perfect for me. If I know I want red shoes, I'm not going to buy blue ones. I know what I want.
 

If not, fuck shoes. #NixEverything #ShakiraStyle

Ask Ella: What is my Purpose & How do I Find it?

Ella,

How do I feel about blogging?  I don't know I've never done it, but it looks fun! 
I would talk about my day, my thoughts, the flowers, motherhood, relationships, depression and struggle. I'm all over the place Ella but I just have so much inside me.


I've followed you for a few months now and I love the fact that your on line magazine expresses you. Not just you, also things I think about and things I want to do. I would love if you could help me find who I am and what my purpose is. But I want to blog about my journey so that it may help another who may be going through similar situations.

I choose you because you are very busy but you seem to love your readers.  I never in a million years thought you'd respond to my questions.  Your personal interest in people .. I love that about you, it's how I feel deep inside like fire inside of me, overwhelming passion, excitement of a journey.  But first I want to understand what this overwhelming passion inside me is.

Is this something you think you would or have time to help me with?

Sincerely,
Carla


Dear Carla,

        You’ve inspired me to aspire. Funny thing is, what I aspire to do is inspire. I assure you I am as honored to speak with you as you are shocked to know I actually respond to people. Before we begin, though... I want to warn you, I speak very firmly and clearly. Some take this as a sign of hubris or conceit, but really it’s because I’ve taken the time to think before I responded to you --you know that personally, since I've tried to keep you posted. I do love my readers. What I feel for you more though, is respect. I don't just write to write bullsh*t. Here, I have the opportunity to help you. That's amazing to me. I take that seriously & need to take the time to really think about the message I give you... because, if I do my job, you'll listen. As you read, please note I've taken the time to understand how I feel about what you asked and, in my response, I mean every word. I encourage you to sit with your thoughts and listen to yourself as well.  Read along & you'll see that you already know what to do.

        What I’m giving you are methods of thinking/working/moving in this world that may help you free your truest self and help you find that peace, happiness and fulfillment you’re looking for. It may not be easy. It’s not going to be fast, but if you maintain a strong mind and a stronger will, I’m sure you’ll do everything you privately dream to. Before we begin, thank you. For... the literal compliments as well as your having faith enough in me to ask me. I am honored. I love to help people, but I refuse to help those who don’t want to be helped & I know I'm not a psychologist (changed my major ASAP freshman year because I realized I have my own issues & people with emotional issues don't need doctors, they need love), so it's very hard for me to write these. I told you I quit doing "Ask Ella" a year ago, but since you’ve reached out to me, it warms my heart that you want something so beautiful. & there was such honesty in your email that I couldn’t just bullsh*t a post (as if I ever would dare be so phony and careless).  So here we go!  I’ve come up with three pieces of advice for you.

#1 Look in the Mirror

      I can't help you find yourself because you already have you. It took me 23 years to find myself. It’d be a lie for me to say I can help find you, whom I met on Instagram. No disrespect, but I don’t know you. No one knows you more than you know yourself. What might help, though, is family. Knowing your roots; what’s made you and what grew you. I found myself a little before Christmas last year, when I tattooed “Marjorie Thousand by Francia Fung” on my arm.  I am Marjorie. My mother is Francia. I am her daughter and everything that goes along with that. I am everything she raised me to be. That is who I am.  A few weeks before I got that tattoo, I had cried myself to sleep and woke myself up to the same because I had realized it was time to let go of “friends” I could no longer associate myself with. I was on the phone with CJ when my mother walked in my room, looked in my red eyes and asked me what’s wrong. She came in as my mother --hot coffee in hand, knowing something was wrong with her baby --and left as my friend. My mother is the only person who cares for me like that. I mean like that. She'd give her life. And has. That was the first time I told a friend I had to go, so that I could sit with my mom, my first and truest friend, to ask for her advice. My mother was real with me, as she always has been. She told me, like a 58-year-old, 5-foot-nothin, Dominican Jay-Z, that no one is built like me. & that I design myself. (My mom’s the man.) I'm here to tell you that so do you.

         I know this might sound crazy, but I often stand in front of the mirror just to look myself in the eyes. I try to understand what I’m feeling. What I’m saying to myself in silence. There must be a reason I have these thoughts no one else can hear. I see myself. I take note to observe myself the way others might see me. You have to learn to love exactly what is in that mirror because that is you. You have to look yourself in the eyes because you need to learn to be honest with yourself. Don’t fear yourself. Speak to yourself. Tell yourself how you're feeling and refuse to look away. Don’t back down. Don’t fear who you are. Don’t be your own enemy. Look at yourself the way others should see you. Smile at your “flaws,” for they make you who you are. If you want to speak to people, you have to see yourself how they will. Treat yourself how they will. You set precedence. People only treat you the way you treat yourself. & if you can’t stand/respect/trust/value/love you, why should anyone else? Eventually, you’ll be able to look in the mirror and smile and glow and see the beauty emanating from within.  That beauty is your soul. & when you begin to understand the beauty of your soul, you'll see it in other people & they will see it in you. We are all soul mates. It's crazy to me that I'm the same person I was years ago, but when I used to look in the mirror, I despised every single bit of me. We can't do that. In order to love the world, you've got to start within. You are the world.  Secretly, we're all the same. Supposedly made in the image of The One. How can we be imperfect? How can we be different?

       I can’t tell you what your passion is because you are the only one who feels it. So if you are the one who holds it, you need to take some time to speak with yourself. Understand who you are. Like any other subject, you have to understand the history of it. What happened? When did it happen? Why did it happen? What happened afterwards? How has that led up to today? You need to fully understand what makes you you. 

        Writing helped me understand myself. I take writing seriously because... it's what I love to do. I want to caution you against writing simply because "Ella" does it.  I do it because I've been writing exactly like this since I was 6 years old. I just knew less words and made more spelling mistakes. Writing is what I do. Whatever you end up blogging/doing, make sure it's what you do that expresses you. Writing though, is helpful for anyone, I'd argue. Sometimes, you need a written reminder. What happened? I wrote that shit down. I can literally tell you what was going through my mind a year ago. Take the time to be your own best friend. Listen to your own story, first. Because, when you do begin writing, remember that you are your audience. Your readers will read your work because of you --because you are like them. The things you wished someone would have said to you, say to them. Treat them like your children, but understand they are individuals. Guide them in the manner you wish you could have been guided. Whatever was missing for you, give them. For example, I didn’t start speaking to my mother, in depth, until I was 22 (two years ago). I couldn’t ask her questions I wish I could have. Frankly, I didn't like her. She knows it. Same with my sister. Didn't like her either. I only respected my brother and he was like an overprotective dad. I couldn't tell him nothing but how many points I scored in the game that day. I wanted someone to reach out to for the tough questions. Someone who wouldn’t judge me, but would be honest. Someone whose actions and character I respected who was willing to speak to me as an equal. Hopefully, that is what I can be for you.

#2 Get A Life

I know that sounds rude, but you’ll get it. Get it!? ;) 

  Here’s the truth: Unfortunately, I can’t babysit you, but I can cheer you on all the way. I wake up everyday at 5am to feed Duchess. Sometimes she lets me rock & enjoy my rest until 6. I try to give her time digest her food so she can go before I leave the house at 8. From 5:30-6, I cool out, lay in bed and hug & kiss my puppy since I have long work-days & she’s got to get as much love & attention as I can give. She's young & this time is important for us. At 6am, I make my coffee & clean if I have to. 6:30am I read a passage from the Good Book. 7am, I get in the shower & start getting ready for work.  I catch the 8:12am bus to the train. My train ride to work is about an hour long. From 9:30-7pm, Monday-Friday, I bust my ass for a paycheck. I do sit at a computer all day, but I do have shit to do (I even eat lunch at my desk, it's so busy). I have plenty responsibility because I've asked for it. I'm not lazy. I'm pretty f*ckin brilliant and entry-level is where you prove yourself. When I don't have work to do, I create it. I work in advance so that I can get ahead. 

     Regardless of the fact that I want this magazine to blow so I can quit, I enjoy my day job. I do it the best it’s been done, I’ve been told. While I’m on their time, I invest myself 1000%, as I do in everything I take on. Just because I have the online magazine (and want it to be my life) doesn’t mean I half-ass everything else. I’m a hard worker. All day. I commit myself to everything I do --even in raising my puppy. Life is serious to me. After my hour train ride, I get home at about 8pm & feed Duchess and we hug & kiss a little more. Then I make dinner & pack my lunch for the next day. I do the dishes. Take a shower, get ready for bed & by about 10pm, I’m done with my duties. From 10-11, I do what makes me happy. At 11pm, I read another passage from The Book. I try to be in bed by 12am because, 5am is around the corner. On Saturdays, I try to schedule something for the magazine, whether it’s an interview, an event or simply truly living my mantra and doing #JustWhatWeWannaDo. Sometimes, that means I sit in the house and kiss Duchess. Sometimes that means go to Tiffany’s and look at diamonds. On Sundays, I rest. Please note I haven't even touched on my personal life. I need time to play and enjoy myself. I'm also not one of those angry girls who can't find a man. I date. And very well. I just keep my business to myself. (When I'm ready to talk about that... I will.) By telling you all of this, I hope  you understand that, yes, I am busy. I am chasing my dreams and I have to commit myself to them completely. I never stop. I’m fully invested. This magazine is my heart, and the only thing I love more is my life --I’m blessed to have a plan to make them go hand-in-hand. But it's all still in the works, so, no, I don't have much free time. If I can mentor you in the least bit, I hope it’s in my leading by example. I am just like you. I don’t have all the answers. I’m still working my ass off on this Earth. It ain’t heaven just yet. I can’t commit myself to do anything for any person constantly --especially if that person isn’t me. 

       I’ve finally understood the value of myself. I need to help myself. You don’t need all the help you think you do. You simply need to have more faith in what lies inside of you. While we are here to support other people, I believe that we should lead more by example. I can’t agree to help you because that would mean it’s okay for you to take away from your time and your life, too. I don’t want you to do that. Some call me selfish for feeling that way, but I think it's better than letting people down. By declining a proposed “mentor-ship” of sorts, I hope to free you. You need to take control of your own life --that’s the only way to live it fully. No one can live for you. If you’re going to figure out what your life means, you’ve got to take a hold of it and claim ownership of your existence. Now. Only when you’ve claimed your life in its entirety, can you assemble the pieces and understand the “purpose” you’re looking for. If you keep giving people pieces of your puzzle, you’ll never have the full picture.

#3 Just F*ckin Do It. 

       You already know what you wanna do. "I want to blog about my journey so that it may help another who may be going through the similar situation," said you. The next step is to just do it. Nowadays, everyone is so corporate, they’re going to tell you some dumb sh*t you already know --Get a website. Start writing. If you want details on “How to Blog,” I’m not the one for that; Google is. I believe that all that sh*t is phony to the core --no one can tell you how to write about your life or how to help others. There isn’t a method or recipe for truth other than to follow your heart and do the best you can to remain positive. If documenting your journey is how you best see fit, then just do it. The medium you should use is what makes you most comfortable. For example, painters paint *shrugs*.

      You don’t need permission. Whatever site you wanna use, use it.  (I use Blogger.com. You can also use WordPress.com, but if you have specific questions, Google has the most answers.) Whatever you wanna say, say it. However you wanna promote, promote it. Along the way, opportunities arise and it’s on you to look out for them. Everyone likes the “networking” idea,  but I prefer to connect with people. If your writing is supposed to be about helping people, then when someone needs help, you should help. Perhaps you'll say, “Hey, this is my site, you should check it out when you have free time.” It’s most beneficial to have a business card to go along with it, because people don’t remember anything unless they really want to. On the business end of it, I say, continue to challenge yourself & never quit. Yes, I believe it is that simple. Because those who love you truly will continue to do so. & supporters are supporters. It doesn't sound to me like you're here for the money, so if/when financials become a factor, remember what you're really here for. If you’re wondering how to trick/lure/entice readers into finding and reading your blog, that’s not my specialty. You can team up with a PR/Marketing Group & they’ll help you with that. I like natural readership. Everybody who reads me, reads me because they read me. I truly don’t give a f*ck enough to concern myself with who's clicking where. I write. I live. I love. That’s all I care about. Whoever doesn't like what I do can some find some other self-interested, phony site to entertain themselves with. If it’s blogging that your heart desires, do it. First though, you need to approach this as you would any other hobby/task/activity/game --you need to understand what it is first. Blogging is the act of constantly telling people what you do. Blogger is a website. Blogger.com, to be exact. To help people on their journey is much different from “blogging”.


     If it’s a journey you’re detailing, you’d better actually embark on that journey. As I write this, it’s a Friday night and there is far too much to do. I’m considering a new venture with a friend you all might enjoy (S/O to expansion). I was supposed to meet him for drinks, but I have a 9:15am bus to catch tomorrow to Philly. I could have gone. It’s only 10:38pm, but I want to write this more than I want to do anything else.  The secret to doing what you want to do, the way it needs to be done, is to do what you want to do. You’ll end up doing what you’re supposed to be doing --what makes you happiest and expresses you as an individual. Where ever your heart is, is exactly where it needs to be. As I thought about writing this, I considered what you might want and/or need to hear. Not that I’m not concerned with your well being, but if you’ve reached out to me, it’s because you feel comfortable with me. Given I only have one shell, I have no choice but to be me. So f*ck what you need or want, ELLATHOUGHT.com simply gives you what I think. This is my world and I respect the guidelines I've set for myself. I respect myself. I didn’t always like what I saw in the mirror. I assume that’s what you’ve gathered from reading me. Tending to yourself and your soul are the most important things in the world. I refuse to believe any theory that differs.

 

#4. Be God-like

     As for spiritually, what you should do: Follow your heart. Whatever you are supposed to be doing here, make sure you do it. Stick to your guns. Be a woman of your word. Sometimes, we like to tell ourselves how great we are and how much we’re changing, but when difficult challenges come our way, it’s easy to go against ourselves --especially if no one will find out. That is where I struggle today. If you put yourself into the light to help other people find their way, you need to stay in the light where you can be seen. You need to be aware that if you stray into the dark, they’ll follow you there. You are now responsible. It’s kind of like how Nicki Minaj said, “I do this for the girls who never thought they could win,” and then followed by releasing a song call “Stupid Hoe” with herself in a cage shaking her ass. You have to be conscious of what you’re putting out there. Every footstep in the sand matters.

      “Our purpose here is to act on Earth like it's heaven,” Tyesha answered. Here we were, drinking champagne from plastic cups in  Times Square, toasting to her clothing line, Glam Addiction Designs, JWWWD Magazine, success, the empowerment of Our People and His grace. This morning, I told a friend that, sometimes, I worry that I ruin the mood. Instead of yelling and screaming and throwing myself at men, I would much rather sit around a table and ask two girls I have never met before what they think our purpose on Earth is --I needed to hear input other than my own before I wrote this. It was their first night out with me, so I apologized about how heavy my conversation tends to be, but it ended up that they were more than happy to speak about faith, belief, the bible, God and life with me --at 12am on a beautiful summer Saturday night on the streets of New York City, mind you.

       I believe your purpose here is the same as mine. To be happy. To make the world a better place by making your life (which is your world) a better place. That "fire" you mentioned is a marvelous thing. It burns the whole of you. It’s blinding. It makes you squint your eyes and tighten your cheeks. It makes you smile. If you’re already feeling that, you’re halfway there. This is where I feel comfortable speaking to you about God. I don’t know what you call him. In my opinion, that higher power has manifested itself in so many different forms simply to reach us all. He/She looks like what you want him/her to look like. Says what you want to hear. Does what you think should be done. The idol you keep is extremely important. As I had this conversation last night, I can’t sit back and deny my Catholic God --the same one who taught me to accept all people. I believe (like Lauryn Hill said on her UnPlugged) God speaks to the hearts of people better than any of us and he'll find his way to you whether you want him to or not. Perhaps through my encouraging you. Finding faith has grounded me. Also, in grounding myself, I’ve found faith. At the same rate, I’ve got a couple pages left in Jean-Paul Satre’s Existential and Human Emotions (post coming soon!) in which he argues that every man is responsible for the outcome of his life (“man” used loosely in a sexist epoch). We don’t have a defined “duty” on this Earth. Plants and animals are food, but what are we?

        I believe we are here to live life to the limit and love it a lot. But we decide that "limit" depending on how much faith we have in ourselves. We are to be thankful for each day and try to make the best of it. But each day, as we decide with to do with those 24 hours, you work them on your set of values. If you value love, spread love. (That’s my mission.) Peace? Respect? Honesty? Loyalty? It works on the other end of the spectrum, too. He who lies spreads lies. Some goes for hate, stress and drama. I believe the deities we revere simply personify the qualities we value. Jesus was dope, in my opinion. & he’s the only one who said he was the Son of God, so... if that’s what he said, I have no proof otherwise. I’m Marjorie Thousand by Francia Fung & you better f*ckin believe it.  I admire Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Muhammad, Martin Luther King, Malcom X, Heuy Newton, Sojourner Truth and any other folk --living or dead, present, past or future --who aim to make the world a better place. Even if they made mistakes. Even if I didn’t agree. There are people who agreed with Hitler for a reason. Not saying I agree... but I simply understand what he was thinking. He wanted the world to be a better place --for him. It’s the selfishness that made it wrong & drove the rest to be inhumane. I think that is our purpose. To improve the conditions of living, but we forget that it should be for all mankind. Still, there are so many of us, with so many different stories, we each have to play our part... perhaps you’ve been called to play yours.

       I want to make the world a better place. Especially for women. Especially for women who look like me. I want us to be able to sit at tables with each other and cease the judgement. I want to help our men. I want us, as the human species, to be able to speak with one another and share love. I want us to discuss how to make the world a safer, happier place and one day, put those ideas to work. I want this to be heaven. So badly. I remember when I hated it here. I recall the days I felt alone because I couldn’t see the love that surrounded me. Like the day I sat with my face in the toilet, my mother asking me what I ate that got me so sick, but I couldn’t say “Asprin.” I keep no secrets about myself, I don’t pretend to hold any fame. I unleash my truths methodically and measure them carefully. That’s why that last truth is at the bottom of this piece and in the middle of this paragraph --because those who couldn’t make it through the first portion of this post damned sure wouldn’t be able handle the end of it. I hope you understand that I understand this world is a dangerous place, but we are the most deadly to ourselves. You need to love and believe in yourself. Anything you want to do, you can do it. You’ve simply got to invest your heart into it.

And, please, don’t forget to talk about the flowers.

Much love & many, many blessings,

ELLA <3

Power of the Inner-Child

I'm nice, right? Lol

Last weekend, I stayed in and put puzzles together. One is the image you see above. 

The other, my life. 

        Far too much has happened. I've lost friends. I've almost lost more friends. I gained friends. Found love.  Lost it. Made choices and questioned them, but powered through & moved on. There was a possibility that xxxxxxxx would be the one. He was stable. He was sweet. He was grown --from what I knew. His only "downfall" was his being a father. At first, I questioned my ability to take on a man with such a responsibility, but when you care for someone, you set all their "flaws" aside, because you question if that flaw is really yours. You see, I'm hitting 24. I'm the only one of my close female friends --a number which continues to dwindle --who does not have a child. Bizarrely enough, the world has a great way of making it seem like it's a bad thing. So much so, I considered it with hi=m. He considered it, too, though. There were the talks New York City lovers have about moving to Jersey City to escape the scene and purchase a piece of the skyline from the other side. He murmured key words like "walk-in-clost" with stories of shelves for my shoes. Then I looked out of the window of my bedroom, to the cathedral on the 110's Horizon. I glanced into the open sliding doors of my closet. I surveyed the shoes boxes along the top & the exposed pairs lining the floor.  I remembered I got all of that for myself. I realized I need more. 

Ask Ella: Do You Write Anything Important?

    

Dear Ella, 

Liking all the blogs. What other topics do u have. How bout love or what's important in life?

-Sunny

Heyyy Sunny, 

  Isn't everything? I mean... what's important to a particular person is always the most important isn't it? Like how Black people have a tendency fight for equal rights based on skin color but fail to stand up for other oppressed groups (ie. religious or sexual orientation?) Not only Black people. Spanish people do it, too. Wanting to be equal but refusing to be Black.

     This post is coming from a combination of various sources.   Besides the fact that I woke up to MLK Jr's speech on TV this morning, I've recently started messaging my lastest blogs on FB (Heyyyyy!! to my new readers.) and it's been... motivating to say the least. Some people removed themselves from the group. I ain't mad. & The reason I ain't mad is because I can't see if they remove themselves unless I look for it. I only looked once. I will not look again. The motivation, though, comes from the inbox messages & wall posts I've been getting in response. I try to respond to all of them. Because I feel like if a person took out the time to read my piece, I owe them the respect to at least read their messages. & each one of those messages makes my day. 

    Like I said in my FB message, I  literally write what's in my heart or in my mind. I know it was cheesy... but it's the only thing I could say to you, because it was truth. You see, I went to a Friend's school for high school, which is a school based on the foundations of the Quaker religion. It's kinda like a Catholic school except really laid back. Quakers were hippies --at least in respect to other religions. Their "mass" is literally held in silence. You simply sit and reflect. But if you want to say something, you're welcome to stand and speak. (In high schools, they tend to put a mic in the middle of the room.) The idea is that you should only speak if you feel moved to. This way, you don't have someone simply talking at you to fill space. If someone does speak, it's interpreted at God speaking through that person because they believe that God is in every person. So everything said in Quaker Meeting is always important. So when I write here, I really only write what's important to me & only when I feel like writing. I can only I can be me for me. I can only see through my eyes.  This is important to me. My thoughts. My blogs. My readers. People wonder why I blog & when I find time. Well, I love this. So I find time. 

     Sometimes, the world imposes on us morals and expectations that we feel obligated to live by. We are told what is important and what is not. What has value and what does not. & Sometimes, we impose our own views on the rest of the world. We think that whatever is important to us should be important to everyone else. But it's not. & I think that that is the most important thing in the world. We have to understand that each of of us views the world through our own lens. Years back, I had a conversation with my cousins about the paths each of us was on. My cousin Jay was finishing (or had just finished) trade school, I was at Loyola and Kikito was working his ass off. We were all on different roads, headed the same place: Adulthood. Jay felt getting a trade was more reliable than a traditional 4-year program. & he was right. For him. I mean, he got a job. I thought 4-year was a better path for me. And I was right. I mean.. I got a job. Kikito? He been  had a job. lol. So there was no judging what was right or wrong. That day, after that conversation, I think we all grew. At least I did. We had just reach understanding and facilitated acceptance. Something that is very hard to find in this world. 

      I started college as a Psychology major. Cuz they make decent bucks & I new I wasn't going to pay enough attention to be a Biology major and could never submit my life to a doctor's work schedule. (I party too damned much.) Eventually, I switched over to Communications, finding my niche in Advertising and supplementing my inner-self with a Writing minor. In all honesty, I just did what made me happy. My happiness was important to me. The only extracurricular I took on, full fledged, was the Loyola University Annual Fashion show (that was my baby, yall). & No one thought it was important.  When I  say "No one" I mean, I stood in front of a professor while she asked "What's the point of that?" All I could to was eat it and tell her I hoped she would attend this year. Needless to say, I turned into a fashion show Nazi. It was important to me. I wanted things done. & done right. The same way an incision in a patient needs to be done correctly, I think a fashion show needs to be done correctly as well. You can call me base if you'd like... but I'm the one who determines what is important to me. 

      I remember once having a conversation with my friend Ashley... Now... I think this is one of those times when you have a convo, and you get upset by something but the person doesn't truly mean it. You know... when you read into a convo too much. I never told her, but she mentioned how my work load in school wasn't as tough as hers because I was a Communications major. She was a Bio major... I think? lol. But I was offended. There was a feeling of "who are you to say". Because I worked hard. And the shit I turned in was quality.  But... In this world... the only kids who are "working hard" are the pre-med majors, right? Well, success was as important to this Advertising major as it was to them. I'm just happier. At the end of the day, though, I know Ashley understands how I feel, especially due to her newest endeavor in Real Estate --not quite biology lol. 

      But why can't the bullshit I write about be important? To be honest, I spent my entire high school career standing up for the important things. President of our diversity group, I fought for equality on all fronts as one of the what... 5 black kids in my graduating class? Prompting discussion with controversial topics at our meetings (which had awesome turnout, let me tell you). I worked hard. Because that was important to me. & it still is now. Which is partially why I moved to Harlem. To be amongst what I like to call, mi gente. My people. At least people who look like me. I live on Malcolm X blvd, not by mistake... but from an inner longing to take this world by storm & get what is rightfully mines: a couple acres & a Mercedes. 

     So while you read this, I'm sorry, but not everything is going to be "deep" as people like to say. Because no one always thinks that way. Why do people always feel so pressed to say something prophetic? To speak on shit they have no idea about? Sometimes shit they don't even really care about but they think they'll sound smarter if they give their input. Let's be honest, there's a lot of shit we dont care about. For example, I don't really care about the health care reform because I have insurance.  So, while I feel for the people who it affects, it's not a topic that'll be on the forefront of my mind until it is. My thoughts vary. My posts will be on everything from Democrat vs Republican to Gucci vs Prada.. Sometimes, shoes are the most important thing in my life. From 9:30-6:30, my job is most important. When I'm writing this, Strunk & White is very  important. I've seen the way people categorize this blog. Sometimes they call it "fashion" or "entertainment" or "opinion". Do me a favor yall... Don't put me in no boxes. At 5'2, I'm too big of  person. I really stand 20ft tall. You can't package this. I hope you allow me to be a whole person. 

        If you're looking for posts with substance, you can read on "Race Posts" or these on "Love" or maybe these on "Dating". I'm trying to find out how to make this site easier to navigate to organize the 126 posts on here so far. A real website in the works but for now, feel free to to use the search tab at the top. Just type something in. Or email me @ HeyyyElla@gmail.com if you have a suggestion. Check out "Ask Ella" & I'm sure to write about what you want to read.  Eventually, at least. I can promise you that. 

     So I'm off my BIG - "Juicy" right now....  if you browse through the blogs, "It's all  good".  I promise you I'm the next big thing.

& Again, thank you for reading. Hope I can meet all your expectations. 

& This is dedicated to the people who removed themselves from the EllaThought Blogs group when all I'm tryina do is blow up like the World Trade. 

You know very well who you are. 

Wont let you hold me down.

Reach for the stars.

I have a goal.

& it's to blog my ass into a Editor's position somewhere. 

so I'll give you good & plentyyy. 

& If you don't know, now you knooooow!!