The Murder of Kimani Gray

          

 What if every time you walked to the corner store, men stood outside the doors with their hands on their guns? You'd get off the bus or step off the train and they'd be hiding on the other side of the ramp... watching. Waiting. Hunting. Another youth, 16-year-old Kimani Gray, was murdered by America's least trained and most prominent figures of authority. Brooklyn is angry... and you don't want Brooklyn angry. A little over a year ago, we lost Trayvon Martin to a "militia man" upholding the same values, enforcing the same stereotype: Black boys are up to no good.            

I'm tired of explaining my pain. "What did he do?" my mom asked this morning. She thinks I like just like to fight fights but she doesn't understand. She's a fair-skinned, Dominican woman with a Black daughter who attended a predominately white high-school and college on purpose: I was there for the education, not the people. I left both the schools with few friends, a proud understanding of who I was and  experience of what the majority thought of me based on how they tended to interact with me; with fear. I'm of the darkest complexion in my immediate family; I had a different father. Fortunately, I will resemble my sons and I'll know how they feel.  Even more fortunate is that I'm a woman, and an educated one at that. I could escape if I wanted to. I could marry a man lighter than myself in an attempt to "save" my sons from the pain of being Black. I see the excitement in foreign eyes as they fantasize whether the animal within me could satisfy them better than their own. For me, that's out of the question. Another option: I could move to a "nicer" neighborhood and find a brotha who has also "espaced" the hood --who lives in a world of forever college with white girls and kegs where they'll never be taken home to daddy and they're too inebriated to care. I don't have anything personally against those brothas... they're just not made for me, obviously. Issue is... my type die before they reach 18.  Our government is always at fault.

The Black Wall.

       Black and ugly as ever. However, I stay Coogi down to the socks. - Notorious B.I.G "One More Chance." 

        There is a guard up. And for that I apologize but I cannot take it down, for the world has thrown too much of me. My guard is no secret. Its visible. It's my dark skin. & for some reason, it inhibits people from seeing me. From witnessing my beauty. They see the color of my skin and stop looking. They turn away from me. Finally, I see that you understand. I was hesitant to read the article Black Beauty and its discussion on the "less attractiveness" of Black women because of two reasons: I was afraid and I was hurt. The first time I tried to read your piece, I stopped in the middle of Kanazawa's scientific explanation as to why I (as a Black woman, I take this article to be speaking to me directly) am less attractive than other women and I simply could not stomach it. The piece was reminiscent of another piece I couldn't make it through: Do you remember those stories about the scientists who would disect black people in an effort to explain why blacks were better athletes? I can't quite remember the details; Google is no help and I know this isn't sounding like the most reliable article... but... please bear with me. For, these are just my thoughts. 

     Afraid and hurt. I was afraid you would agree. Afraid I'd get upset. I was afraid you'd be right and afraid I'd believe you.  I was hurt that the conversation was even taking place. Ashamed for anyone who believes the mess and in reality, I'd rather not fill my head with nonsense. It simply makes no sense for me to purposely listen to someone talk badly about me. I try to avoid stress as much as I can. I have no more room for pain. I know the argument and I've never cared to hear the reasons. If someone doesn't think I'm attractive, well hey. Your loss. I won't buy, for one second, that the difference lay in the actual physical, but rather the personality of the black woman. People are afraid of even the most beautiful black woman due to the traits ascribed to us before we breathe our first breath: Aggressive, loud, obnoxious, (my fav) ghetto. But there are reasons for all this that cannot be explained through science. How this same idea has brought many a black women to hold herself in low esteem, letting the world get the best of her until she gets tired of it all and takes on a "fuck you" attitude that is almost impossible to leave behind because... well, the shit works.  I haven't met many white women who hold grudges as much as women of color do (when I refer to white women, I mean plainly and simply the most stereotypical definition you think. By women of color... I kind of mean all others, perhaps except Asian cultures --including the Middle East-- as their dating and social interactions are much different than ours. More so though, I suppose I am speaking of American white vs American Black as that is what I know personally and for me to discuss peoples I have no experience with would be... stupid. ) Moving on...

      Still, I cannot agree with your synopsis and/or reasoning at the end. You explain that the hardship black women face may take a toll on their physical and I can see some truth in that. I can see how you arrive at that conclusion: bruising leaves scars. And I can also see that you're trying to help us out. But the only response I want to hear is something along the lines of, "Black Women are beautiful" and that is all. No further explanation. No in depth reasoning. And while I greatly appreciate your obvious concern and appreciation for the black woman, it doesn't make us feel any better that you agree. Regardless of your reason for agreeing and regardless of if there is some "truth" to it (as there is with any stereotype). The fact that you provided an alternate explanation only leads me to believe that there is a part of you that agrees  with the statement. Now the rest of this piece is my opinion. I simply don't think you did a good enough job standing up for me. You left me feeling like a lost cause. Like I had to "deal" with not being liked. Like if someone were  to find me beautiful, it'd have to be despite, my skin color. Because the only difference between a white and black woman is the color of her skin, I'm sure you are aware. But there was no discussion on familiarity of skin tone. How being side-by-side with a skin tone the opposite of yours might simply not be pleasing to the eye. I looked at the paleness of the legs of one of my co-workers and all I could think was jellyfish. & perhaps maybe when they see me, they do see monkey, I wouldn't blame them. Still, there was no discussion on that. 

The following is for my sistas. In defense of your beauty.

     Black women are not less attractive than white women. For all women are owners of their own individual beauty. Even the ones who are torn down, raped, beat, abused and looked down upon. In fact, they are the most beautiful. Black women have been the victims of sexual abuse for ages... can you please explain why this is so if they are not beautiful? If there is not some attraction? The reason black women are "less attractive" is because we allow this conversation to take place. And we feed into it. We brainstorm reasons why as opposed to reasons why not, or reasons why the proposition should be dismissed. This simply another debate that is accepted now but will wash over in time.

For example: 

Blacks are less human than whites. 

--because whites simply had more trading power and enslaved their black counterparts. And, when observed wearing no clothing and living amongst the animals, the newcomers and "explorers" considered them animals as well. 

Black women are worth less than black men. 

---because women get pregnant and are incapable for months during harvesting times. 

Blacks are less intelligent than whites.

---because they are not exposed to the same educational opportunities as whites, and due to the inequalities in this country and social imprisonment, most black kids have personal issues to deal with before (and after) they can tend to their studies. Not to mention, their parents can't afford fancy math camps so we go to free sports camps in the summer and fall behind our wealthier (usually white) peers. 

Blacks are more physically capable than whites. 

---because African weather/land is more similar to southern Americas than it is to the Europeans, therfore, the enslaved had prior knowledge of how to work the land. & in current day, there are few after school programs besides sports because it requires less attentiveness/materials/supplies and skill to teach kids play a sport than to teach them math and science, especially with outdated books because the system can't afford new ones. 

Black women are less attractive than white women.

---because everyone blindly agrees. Even black women. So as teenage girls we give ourselves to the world thinking that no one could possibly love us with so many other (more) beautiful women out there. We internalize our ugliness and our black brothers do the same. Then, they don't think we are beautiful. And if your own kind doesn't want you, then no one does. And if no one  wants you, you must be less attractive. And this causes the intellectuals to search for reasons to explain it all. In any way possible & for some reason,we're afraid to say otherwise. 

    We don't believe you; you need more people. Maybe the real reason is that whoever believes that hasen't been around the right black women. I mean, Halle Berry tops lists year after year. Explain, please? Or, because she's beautiful, we take her black away and explain that it's due to her white mother?  Well I'd challenge that it is just as likely that she is beautiful due to her black father. These things are only "true" when someone believes them. If you believe that whites are better than blacks, then, they are. And vice versa. YOU believe it. You bring it to life. You make it reality. You can believe what you want, but that sure as fuck is not my truth. There is not one reason why Black women aren't as attractive as other races. If anything, I think we are more attractive... oh, and as for this:

            “It is very interesting to note that, even though black women are objectively less physically attractive than other women, black women (and men) subjectively consider themselves to be far more physically attractive than others.  In Wave III, Add Health asks its respondents to rate their own physical attractiveness subjectively on the following four-point scale:  1 = not at all, 2 = slightly, 3 = moderately, 4 = very.  As you can see in the following graphs, both black women and black men rate themselves to be far more physically attractive than individuals of other races.”  (Kanazawa)

    So, if we think that we're attractive, why doesn't that count for something? My vote doesn't count? This is why I never trust statistics and "research", because it can be used for evil depending on who is looking at the data. Ok... so white people might not find black people attractive. So the fuck what? I, for one, am not interested in dating a white person --man or woman- so it makes no difference to me.  We see ourselves as attractive, why isn't that enough? What we think of ourselves holds no value?  Is this a way to say, Black people think they hot, but they not. That's fine that you like yourself, but we're here to tell you your ugly. No. The truth is, we find ourselves (and those like us) attractive, therefore we are attractive. 

       There is no excuse for a white person to not consider me an equal. But if they don't find me attractive, I... umm... don't give a fuck. I apologize for the vulgarity but, personally, I'm not fighting for anyone's acceptance. I don't think anyone should.  If I want to see black faces, I don't walk down Wall street, I take my ass right up to Lenox Ave in Harlem where I know I'm wanted. Just saying. You don't need to be accepted by everyone and I think we need to stop fighting for that. The only reason attractiveness matters is in choosing a partner; dating and romance. Wouldn't it be better to be with someone who thinks you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Regardless of that person's skin color and regardless of yours? I don't care what anyone else thinks.

   In sum: Frogs don't give a fuck what the fish think. They sit on their lily pads and keep it movin'. 

I liked this article. Shatter the stereotypes. End the racism.


& I'm sorry if this sounds angry. Not angry at you (writer), per se. I'm simply upset that we keep having these conversations & tired of defending myself against simple, ignorant bullshit.  &I'm a black woman. I have a bad attitude, don't ya know? ;)

& I write all my posts in 30min to and hour... as I multitask and do my real job so ummm... deal with the typos. lol... This is real. 

Indisputably Black.

      

Baddest bitch in the states. Half Spanish, Half Trinidad. Complexion Henny Straight. 

- Fabolous in Lloyd Bank's "Start it Up"

       This Thanksgiving, I had to tell my mother that I'm Black. You see, we're Dominican, so Black has a specific meaning to us (and other Latin Americans). We're inherently racist and never fail to point out skin color in the next person as if our islands weren't where the most mixing of persons (rather, breeding of slaves) took place. "You're not Black," she said to me, making me realize where I had gotten my argument from. I used to fight against it. Saying "I'm not Black, I'm A, B & C." Pointing out everything but Black --because Spanish people don't think they are. My question is, if you didn't check the box for Black, did you check it for White? I mean, there was no "Medium" box. What exactly do you think you are? I know the answer to that: Whatever island/country their from, that's what they'll claim. Black people don't have that luxury (seeing how they have no idea where they're really from).

     Still, I'm not retracting my entire statement. I'm not just Black. Part of the reason I argued against the label was because calling me "Black" seemed to wipe out any trace of what else I am. I'm Dominican. I'm Cuban. I'm Chinese, even. A plethora of different cultures that have added to and defined who I am ad an individual. None more important than the other. While my racial identity is considered "Black" my cultural identity is more Dominican than anything else. I  was raised by my Dominican mother, who was raised by her father --born of the marriage of her island grandmother (St. Lucia, St. Vincent... one of the St.'s lol) to her Chinese grandfather. With that said, in my house, we don't eat chitlins or greens and my mac-n-cheese comes in a blue box.We eat pernil and moro de guandules. Rice & beans & meat, ya'll . I eat rice, beans and meat. 

      But my skin color is all people jude me on. It's the first thing they see. The thing many can't get passed. Most times, people don't ask "what" I am and say "I thought you was... like... just Black, yo." Honestly, before my senior year in college, I'd have said "I'm not Black at all." I love my "mix" as people call it. And it's gotten me a good amount of "Yo, that's sexy"'s in my day. While it's something that makes me different from those who are just Black, I am no different. 400 years ago, I'd have been right on that field with the rest of you. Imagine me saying "Hey, but I'm not really Black." Riiiight. & Before 1964, I'd have been right behind you in line at the "Coloured's Only" drinking fountain (or "bubbler" for my Rhode Islanders lol). 

      My distaste for being called "Black" was rooted in the race's inevitable connection to attributes like lazy, ignorant and uneducated. And part of me just didn't want to be that. (Im reading a book called "No Matter How Much You Promise Cook or Pay the Rent you Blew it Cauze Bill Bailey Ain't Never Coming Home Again" by Edgardo Vega Yunque, where the Puerto Rican character, Elsa, feels the same way. Good frickin book btw & awesome title right??!?!) But in saying this is to agree with these stereotypes. For me to say that I didn't want to be Black because I didn't want to be associated with those things was partially from my agreement with the stereotypes. Now, let's be honest here, a majority of Black people are uneducated. Many are lazy. And a large group of them (especially the young ones on public transportation) are ignorant. But this can't be attributed to the "race". It's not genetic. It's circumstantial. I noticed this most when I went to college in Baltimore. I saw Black families. Black professionals. In Rhode Island, I never met any. I never had a Black teacher or doctor or anything. And, yes, there are Black people there. Lots of them. They just ain't doin shit because they have no idea that they can. And so that was the initial idea I had of Black people. You only know what you see. That's how stereotypes form in the first place; from an unrepresentative sample. 

       Additionally, I loathe the "we're all African" argument. Overtime, with continental drift breaking up Pangea, our continents formed and somehow, someone decided that every piece of land broke off of the original Africa. How about, everything broke off of each other?  I mean... it's already been proven with Newton's Third Law of Motion that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For everyone to "break off" of Africa, Africa would have had to been at a standstill the entire time. It wasn't and it isn't. Continental drift. Plate Tectonics.  Why do we all have to be African? How about we're all human? 

       When I was younger, I tried very hard to maintain my "Blackness". I went to a pretty-much, all-white school but made no friends there. Not many at least. This is when "talking" or "acting" black or white was a huge issue. When many people were trying to find out who, ethnically, they were. I held onto my hood with fervor. I did so until I got pretty far through college and started to realize that the manner I was speaking deterred me from progress rather than helped me. Not to mention, I love writing. I'm in love with language. I couldn't bare to sully it with "Yo" and "deadass" after every statement. 

      In the afterward of Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye, she speaks of trying to become a legitimate, credible, good, writer, but maintain this same "Blackness": 

"My choices of language (speakerly, aural, colloquial), my reliance for full comprehension on codes embedded in black culture, my effort to effect immediate co-conspircy and intimacy (without any distancing, explanatory fabric), as well as my attempt to shape a silence while breaking it are attempts to transfigure the complexity and wealth of Black American culture in a language worthy of the culture...Hearing "civilized" languages debase humans, watching cultural exorcisms debase literature, seeing oneself presented in  the amber of disqualifying metaphors --I can say that my narrative project is as difficult today as it was thirty years ago. (Morrison, p 216)"

It takes 50 or so slow reads to really understand exactly what Morrision is saying. And then another 50 to feel it. But here's my understanding (for now): 

    There is beauty in the Black culture. Granted, there are somethings that aren't as pretty as we'd like them to be. You can't cover those up and pretend they don't exist, but you also don't have to fall victim. Just because the Black culture is infused with yo's and nigga's, doesn't mean you have to speak like that all the time. But there comes a time when yo or nigga is the only term that fits. You need them. You can't get rid of them. You have to take the bad and understand the good that has come of it. Like how my "bad" hair is the perfect fro. I've come to understand that I can't separate myself from people who look like me because society throws us into the same bucket anyway. They look at us the same way. And we look at ourselves the same way --  all of us with the same hesitant eyes. 

     So I am Black, for that is indeed the color of my skin, but I prefer the term "Complexion Henny Straight": My skin tone is something I am immeasurable proud of. But I am a whole person, not to be defined by any single word society has the gaul to dream up. So instead of asking me "What's your race?" why dont you ask me "What color is your skin?" That's what you mean anyways. Then there would be no confusion in my answer. I wouldn't have to think. Maybe the US government could provide a color wheel (the cosmetics industry can help with this) where you have to pick the tone that closest matches your color. I think this would be more effective method of defining/describing a person. More legitimate, in my eyes. At least it'd be true and easy to confirm. Or better yet, call me an American. I mean, I was born here. My passport is bluer than Suzy's blue eyes. So that's what I want to be called. With no hyphenation. That's what I'm really fighting for. 

Matta fact if you ain't callin me "American", don't call me nuffin, Yo.

Other than that, call me by my name. For now,  Ella will do ;)

Indisputably Black.

The assertion of racial beauty was was not a reaction to the self-mocking, humorous critique of cultural/racial foibles common in all groups, but against the damaging internalization of assumptions of immutable inferiority originating in an outside gaze.

 Toni Morrison, The Bluest Eye

I wanted blue eyes before. I can't recall exactly when and I probably didn't make a full out statement, but I know that I wanted them.  I might have been around the time when I was wearing colored contacts-- I had to be like 13-- or when I was getting my hair relaxed every month.  

I hated my hair. It wasn't long enough or soft enough for shiny enough.    

I just finished re-reading The Bluest Eye and this quote made me wonder on the topic of racial-self loathing that I touched on in "Oh, So You Don't Like Black Girls." 

I'll figure out what I want to say soon. For now, just think about the quote & maybe read the book!

Stay Tuned...

Oh, So You Don't Like Black Girls?

I'm a Bad Bitch, I ain't never been a mixed breed. 

WTF is it with everyone?

     First, these two guys tell my friends that Black girl could never get with them. Both of these guys are light-skinned. Both, technically Black (according to the US Census Bureau and if they think they are not, they are indeed mistaken). Now, I could publicly bash the guys here, but I'm going to restrain myself. One is my godson's father. The other an ex-convict. I don't date dads or men who have done legit jail-time. I also don't date men under 6'2.  & now, I don't date men who don't get salaries. Mostly though, I don't date men who don't date Black women. Don't you worry you're little heads off.

They would never have a chance with this Black girl. 

     Then, I'm talking to my cousin about her baby son & she jokingly talks about how her son "don't like Black girls. He likes white girls." I responded saying, "He'll learn," but what I should have said is "Poor thing. I'm sorry to hear that he'll be so deprived." Yes, deprived --from good lovin' and good food. BTW, I'm Dominican and so are my cousin and her son. Here's a PSA: If you ain't White or Asian. You Black. Accept it. I promise it doesn't hurt. Trust men, I've been Black for a while.

     What might hurt some (and I've seen it hurt my little cousins who are my complexion and/or darker) is when the Black jokes and comments start coming around and they don't know how to defend themselves. I mean, it's only a matter of time until they do and it takes something extra to deal with it. How do I deal? Simple: I know that I'm beautiful. Anyone who's ever commented on my complexion has had far worse things to worry about in their own physical and (even more frequently) personality/intellect areas. I'm not phased. & jokes aren't funny when there's no reaction. That's like the only rule for jokes.

So... I'm a bad bitch and I come in the best flavor.

     I have a close guy friend who is Black. (This man is black Black. His family born & raised in the USofA generation after generation. They speak no other language and come from no other country except Africa.) He told me he "doesn't like Black girls." He even tried to convince me that a girl he dated (who is Cape Verdean --a country off the coast of Africa) isn't Black because she's lighter than me. I don't hold it against him, I'm just sorry he hates himself so much. 

     With all these bright lights on these celebs, we seem to have forgotten what a sista actually looks like. Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Keri Hilson, Zoe Saldana, Halle Berry, Sanai Lathan, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Gabrielle Union--these are sistas. And they are darker than you think they are.  Make-up & bright lights do wonders. Trust me.

     The only thing that upsets me in this situation is that many dark-skinned men prefer a lighter woman when many light-skinned women have to make excuses before dating a Black man. He's usually "cute to be so dark." She don't really like you. She might like your money or your _ _ _ _ size. With the last guy I was involved with, my friends could only say, "He has a cute smile". (FYI: This guy was beautifully chocolate and absolutely delicious.)

     Lil' Wayne has a lyric in "Right Above It" that goes, "How do you say what's never said? Beautiful Black woman. I bet you she look better red." Excuse me Lil' Wayne, but how do I say, "Fuck You"? I don't want to be red. Do you want to be red? Do you want your daughter to be red? For some reason, people think that I too have a problem with my skin color. No, you  have more of an issue with my skin color that I do. I love my skin color. I don't hide from the sun. And I moisturize twice daily to maintain its brilliance.  Here's a better question: If those pretty light-skinned girls were dark as me, could they be as pretty as me? Here's the answer: Highly, highly, highly doubt it. 

FYI: There's nothing in me that wishes my skin were lighter. 

What if I was blue? Would I be dateable then? Cuz I still wouldn't date these minimum wage working, no book reading, can't-spell-assed, small _ _ _ _  size, mediocre stroke having, no respect for their mothers, obviously don't know their history and don't-value-women-assed light skinned men.