Ask ELLA: What about Trayvon?

Dear Trayvon,

Read NAACP's "Trayvon's Law"

I don't know, brotha man... no one knows, really. Mostly, I just wonder what your voice sounded like --when you weren't pleading for your life. We've all heard the screams, whether we wanted to or not. Some better than others, as it usually goes.

You never knew me while you were here, but I'm sure that, as you sit beside our maker, you know me better than I know myself. With that said, I suppose I've owed you, but I'm at a lost of words. The only time I don't know what to say is when I can't figure out what to do --because I don't know how to feel. I still don't understand why a man who committed murder isn't behind bars. My mom passed one thing to an undercover once and got 2 years. She was just trying to feed three kids and pay two mortgages. I guess it depends on who you consider more human. 

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I don't want to talk about much. I don't want to talk about racism because they weren't allowed to in your case. We have a Black president now, so "racism" no longer exists in this country. Everyone is a liberal - in their ideals and their use of bullets. I don't want to talk about police brutality because I don't want to talk about police. I don't respect them, therefore, I can't trust them. I can't say I understand why any neighborhood needs three suited and armed officers on each corner, all I see is cops walking in and out of corner stores, spending my tax money and running their hands down the pants of the men I know --in an attempt to emasculate the greats. Every day, I see them hiding behind subway elevators, peering through the glass for the chance to snatch up a teenager being a teenager while black so they can finger print and track him for the rest of his life. Animals in the wild. If that's not it, you tell me what they're hunting for, hands glued to their revolvers. I've always hated cops everywhere, but in Brooklyn, they far outnumber the roaches. How do you control a uniformed, government funded gang? Where are the goodfellas? They've been posting more signs for rewards for information on shot cops... but if you've ever had the luxury of residing in the hood, you know the only way to make rodents scatter is to flash the lights and make some noise. I'm actually not quite sure how or where you grew up, Trayvon... but if you didn't know what it was to deal with rodents, unfortunately, you know how it feels to be one. 

         I don't trust that world, so I've decided to commit to my own.  "You prolly like them dark or whatever," Antoine guessed correctly. 19, light-skinned and riding a bike up and down the block, my for the moment dog-walking partner was trying his hand at getting my number.  I took it as a compliment but the only thing I had against him was... everything. A couple of years ago, he'd have gotten my number. I might even have made him take me for a spin on his handle bars, but Antoine was just a couple years too late. I don't know when I stopped liking them to look they're supposed to - light skin wavy hair. I'm not sure it was even a conscious choice. I had spent so much time arguing with Black men about not liking "dark" women (and therefore not liking their mothers or future daughters) that soon fell in love with the idea of what my sons will look like. I aim to have sons who look just like you, Trayon, more or less. I haven't gotten much farther than understanding that in order to care for them, I'll need land and a library (for their sanity) and a secret room storing my 2nd amendment rights (for my sanity). "What do I do with my sons?" I asked my mother after those cops killed Kimani Gray. My mother is a fair-skinned Dominican, and so was my brother and sister's father. Myself, the daughter of the brown-skinned, Cuban ex-patriot, am the only one in my immediate family to resemble the earth herself. My mother knows all about raising spicks, but the only experience she has with niggers is me. We're lucky I wasn't a son. I decided that if this country prefers to hunt my sons rather than protect them, then I must protect them myself. Gun Control is only the answer is we hold the government accountable to the same laws as it's people. If not, then the people are being oppressed by their leaders, not lead.

      America is a control based on a history or leeches, sucking what they can out of the host then pretending it never needed them. What the leech fails to realize is that without that source, it would have (and soon will) die. We've gotten ahead of each other in all ways. We are a country based on betrayal and going against our word. The settlers founded this country in response to religious subjection and unfair taxation imposed by England, but when current Presidential debates are based on tax-cuts and increases, back with religious sentiments and closed with a prayer... you tell me if any ocean is wide or deep enough to drown hypocrisy.

      It's not just the Caucasians y'all, it's us melanin-consumed folk, too. We fail to understand each other --not because we don't, but because we prefer not to.  We abandon one another. We have no faith. We fail to care for one another. Whoever anyone dates isn't my business, but deciding not to date a person who resembles you, because they resemble you seems to be a form of self-hatred in my book. It's also qualifies you as a detriment to your race *shrugs* What hurts me most, Trayvon, is that not only will my sons look like you, but their father will be America's most likely criminal. He's currently the epitome of a "gangster" and America's poster boy playboy. They tell me my man will never love me, he'll never value me... and that he probably won't be there. And if he happens to prove them wrong on those accords, they'll station police officers with itchy trigger fingers in unmarked cars at the intersection of any streets he's ever walked. When they see my kings' strides, they'll reach deep in their pockets for their egos and emerge with nothing but cold steel, anger and fear. They will react like cowards do. Like women who confuse our men's fears for deceit and promise them loyalty they're afraid to give themselves. If I'm blessed a house full of boys, they way I'd prefer it, what is going to keep me sane every time they step out of the house? God, I guess. 

       I suppose, there is nothing to do, expect love my brother better. As a human, as a sister, as a woman... as a Black woman. I am his keeper, especially when no one else has the strength to be.  I know all Black men aren't weighed down by this. I know all Black won't submit themselves to the cause. I know that most injustices are only felt by a minority, so the majority won't even understand. I know most won't agree no matter how right I am. I know there ain't a boycott or petition large great enough raise a young man from the dead - to give a mother her son back. There's no need to bash another excused murderer or grant him the honor of having a name in his strides in the name of America's institutionalized systems of racism and prejudice.

     So, Trayvon... and to the others by your name and walking fearfully in your steps, I'm here as I have always been... trying to manage the evil workings ingrained in the world, treading carefully, preparing the path for those to come & praying for the promised day. There's nothing I can really do besides that. Just pray the world will change & understand it'll take more time than we'd like.

Sorry it took me a while to speak with ya... Rest in peace, homie <3 

Ella.

Mi Familia <3 RIP EJR 7.24.77-8.14.06

The Murder of Kimani Gray

          

 What if every time you walked to the corner store, men stood outside the doors with their hands on their guns? You'd get off the bus or step off the train and they'd be hiding on the other side of the ramp... watching. Waiting. Hunting. Another youth, 16-year-old Kimani Gray, was murdered by America's least trained and most prominent figures of authority. Brooklyn is angry... and you don't want Brooklyn angry. A little over a year ago, we lost Trayvon Martin to a "militia man" upholding the same values, enforcing the same stereotype: Black boys are up to no good.            

I'm tired of explaining my pain. "What did he do?" my mom asked this morning. She thinks I like just like to fight fights but she doesn't understand. She's a fair-skinned, Dominican woman with a Black daughter who attended a predominately white high-school and college on purpose: I was there for the education, not the people. I left both the schools with few friends, a proud understanding of who I was and  experience of what the majority thought of me based on how they tended to interact with me; with fear. I'm of the darkest complexion in my immediate family; I had a different father. Fortunately, I will resemble my sons and I'll know how they feel.  Even more fortunate is that I'm a woman, and an educated one at that. I could escape if I wanted to. I could marry a man lighter than myself in an attempt to "save" my sons from the pain of being Black. I see the excitement in foreign eyes as they fantasize whether the animal within me could satisfy them better than their own. For me, that's out of the question. Another option: I could move to a "nicer" neighborhood and find a brotha who has also "espaced" the hood --who lives in a world of forever college with white girls and kegs where they'll never be taken home to daddy and they're too inebriated to care. I don't have anything personally against those brothas... they're just not made for me, obviously. Issue is... my type die before they reach 18.  Our government is always at fault.

State of the Union 2013: Partners with Rivals #Reflection

         My spirit is tired of this country. Still, I won't abandon it. As usual, the state of this country is molded around those who want more, but don't want anyone to have more than they do. Obama presented his 2013 State of the Union speech with great emphasis on " a rising, thriving middle class." Seems mediocre is the best way to live.

       Our President explained that we, as a country, must make strides "on behalf of the many, not the few" by "put[ting] the nation's interest before party." I understand the tone beneath it all, but the "few" he speaks or are government officials/ the rich. I understand working for the greater good. I understand Democracy, but I don't agree with casting off the other few - the poor. For a country that has, "In God We Trust" printed on its currency, I can't help but to quote from the book: 

 

When you refused to help the least of these, 

my brothers and sisters, you refused to help me.   

Matthew 25:45

Until our country fixes its weakest links, it will always be weak and self-destructing. Since I've already started this off in a semi-negative tone, please don't think I disagree with everything he said, or that I'm Anti-Obama. I just understand that he is one person at the head of a unit & sometimes, it takes an ordinary person to consider ordinary people. Obama's address to the union was well delivered and offered various points of improvement for our country. But the beauty of our country is in the freedoms it has granted its people; the same freedoms which have plagued us, in my opinion.

Why I'm Not Voting 2012.

 

 

 I don't go where I'm not wanted and I don't want to go where they've told me.

           What is a Democracy really? And who the f*ck is counting those votes? You have until April 15th each year to file and pay your taxes. If you don't, they'll get your ass eventually. When it comes to our elections, you've one day. All of you. And if you don't vote... well... your loss right? Meanwhile, you've got adults of all walks of life mailing in absentee ballots like letters to Santa. I pray someone reads. I wish you could tell them what YOU wanted instead of being told to pick a team.

        I listened to Kay Foxx this morning as her co-hosts labeled her "the problem with this country" while she tried to file an absentee ballot (the morning of this election). Partially, she is the problem. She's the black woman who plays backbone to the morning show. As the representative of two major minorities (she is the Black compliment to the Puerto Rican and the Jew), she sits back and takes verbal abuse by pretend misogynist cowards. (I hate Hot 97 most days.) Overall, though, she is not the problem, the government is. Why can't Kay Foxx vote online just as easily as she pays her taxes? Why was James P Sinnot Junior High at 370 Fountain closed this morning with displaced, Spanish speaking voters asking me where they should go next? Why is is my (a civilian's) responsibility to educate voters? Why is it more important for police to ride through my neighborhoods searching for kids breaking curfew and humans living life than to guide voters to polling places so they may exercise this imperative American right? Why are there no signs telling you where to vote instead of who to vote for? 

          You don't matter as much as you think you do. Not if you don't make money. Not if you can't hold a fundraiser. People only shake hands with those who have something to hand off. Obama's never shaken mine. Romney probably wouldn't. The truth is, this is a capitalist society. We were once founded on the principles of freedom and equality, but taxes have become just as burdensome as they were back in England.  Our President's platform's focus and preference for the "middle class" is proof in itself that we are not equal, no one wants us to be and no one really cares if we're not. Once every four years, the people get a chance to be "heard". But you aren't pushing your own platforms. You're given candidates but only two are highlighted. Wouldn't it be phenomenal if all the Presidential nominees were allowed to participate in the debates? Who's running for the Green party? Were they not invited or did they say f*ck it and opt out? Or is there an entrance fee? What is this? A Presidential showcase? They've got rappers and movie stars doing cameos during intermission and all that.

        Washington DC is the new Hollywood. All we care about is who our favorite music star has endorsed and what labels pinching the backs of their necks. The President talks about social funding while his wife sets the table for four and a dog; pearls draped around her neck and an apron over her ball gown. Some people aren't eating. Sometimes I'm not eating. I was listening to some professor on BBC radio speak about finances in our country. Previous to this state, people seemed to have been prospering because the family was prospering. More people could go to work. Overtime, women have gone to work and employers have begun to employee workers they were too openly racist to hire before. I've never seen so many posters in New York promoting the NYPD, as they've officially presented themselves as an "Equal Opportunity Employer" (after a series of lawsuits).  More families have started eating. It was also easier to get loans. More kids went to college. People bought houses and financed cars. Now though, there are less and less jobs. As we try to make room for more jobs, we have to figure out how to divvy up the profit. Companies that used to have 30 employees now have 200. While that's fabulous for corporate advancement, you've got to pay all of those people. Some people can't get much. The big bosses always want to make more. You only have what you've got left. Now, at a basic salary, people are still almost at poverty levels. I make enough to pay my rent, pay my car note & get groceries. But I always have to go back to work. People don't make shit unless they give their lives to it. But then all you have is things. No life. I feel like a f*ckin share-cropper working for mines.

           The real problem with this country is that we are too dependent on jobs and finances and nice things.  I love Gucci. I don't own any real Chanel, but I need that in my life. I don't care that the red scraped off the bottom of my $695 Louboutins (just about the cheapest they get), I simply like to know that I f*cked them up myself. The biggest divide between the two parties, that I saw, was in determining where the focus of the American people should be. On the Republican end, it is this year as it usually is: Corporations and profit. The Obama platform for 2012 seems to be focusing on government provisions for the people: Healthcare, Social Security, etc. While I know that those things are important, they don't affect myself directly nor immediately. The government can continue to manage the money they take from me every paycheck. They didn't ask to take it. I have no idea where it goes and have no guarantees anyhow. I expect them to f*ck me over int he long run. That's why I'd rather bust my ass and save for my own retirement. & "The Man" has kicked in with everything including Dental. Finally, I'm good.  I know that's a lame excuse but... instead of trying to figure out how to take care of the less fortunate, I'd prefer to hold conversation about how to better those people so that they no longer need the assistance. We should all be good. To say that we can't all be equal is to give up on the very principles that shaped this country. To doubt our equality would be to destroy the very core of Democracy.

             If you come from somewhere like I come from, you'll understand that government aid hurts as much as it helps. A reform is necessary. People have become blindly dependent on government assistance, not only in finances, but in morality. The only reason some people don't call me "nigger" out-loud is because it's a hate-crime. I sat in bed last night and wondered who's President Barack will go in down in history as: The President of the Gays. (#NoShade.) Barack has made strides in passing litigation for the equal treatment of Gays (in whatever term you prefer). My point is, he's simply not my  President. 

        What I want to do is talk about the "In God we Trust" statement printed on that green paper, which our sons die for in too many ways. I don't think all Americans need to believe in one God, but I think we need to figure out what that means. Especially since the commonly-labeled, most influential Civil Rights leader of our time was a reverend and most of his messages came from church sermons. I want to talk about what it should mean to be an American person. Year after year, we draft laws to outlaw racism and corruption but those are character traits that need much more than a bizarre number tagged to it to change our social climate. There's a reason Trump wants to pay for Obama's birth certificate: Because he can't pay to see him hung. Allowing immigrant children to work & study in this country won't change that fact that some American's don't want us here and that even after we do get those degrees, some employers still won't hire us, especially if we still live in the ghettos that raised us because (let's be honest) the only numbers that matter more than our bank account balances are our zip codes and they fight against each other like Experian vs. Equifax. When you come from somewhere like where I come from, they won't give you credit even if you've earned it.

       I, personally, no longer need governing. I'm not interested in "fighting for my rights". Rights are not to be fought for. I am a human and I have human rights as written out by the United Nations (who I fear will never do their real job, like if Captain Planet wouldn't show up when our powers combined) for the preservation of my "inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family...freedom, justice and peace in the world." The problem with America, is that we are only concerned with ourselves. I, too am guilty. But until someone has the gall to create a platform to address the psychological needs of our people, there isn't much I care about that they've touched on. Why is everyone in this country on anti-depressants? why is every other freshman a psych major? Are we looking to help others or find ways to help ourselves? I want to talk about teenage pregnancy: its causes and effects. I'd like to address the allocation of funding in educational facilities (schools should not be able to spend more money on ANYTHING than they do on books. I saw some players from CF High School at friendly's the other day with dope-ass sweatshirts, but all I could wonder is what year their texts books were printed in). Speaking of education, I don't recall taking any classes before my 18th birthday that taught me how our political system worked. That's a private-school kinda course. So at 18, you have all these kids who say "F*ck Calculus" running to the polls to vote for who has more swag and are most likely to end up dead somewhere, replaced by an American flag on their mother's mantel or an RIP t-shirt on their little sister's dresser. Our children need guidance. Let's talk about #ThugLife. Let's talk about making education more affordable and accessible. I want to hear someone's plan on how to to address how we stop giving a f*ck about endorsing "separate but equal" because when you have no choice but to attend the shitty school in your city, you've been f*cked over by the government whether you'd like to admit it or not. F*ck a pot-hole. Kids need books. F*ck health insurance, people need food. 

        All complaining with no plan, huh? I'm simply not participating in what you're doing. I'm gonna be filthy rich. The government is going to take as much of my taxes as they want because never have they ever asked what I think is fair, rather, assumed that 24% of what I earned should go directly to them. I say I no longer need governing because I own my soul. I trust myself with my finances. The reason we need government in everybody's pockets is because greed is a strong feeling and most people can't be trusted to overcome that. What we need to do is stop being so selfish and jealous. We need to benefactor our own hoods, get our own 22s and just kick it. It's time to be mafioso and take care of your own people. The American government isn't going to do it. They just pay their lawyers and try to complete their dream of Manifest Destiny. I can't say I won't buy more Gucci. My next vehicle will either be a Mercedes or a Porsche. Still, I'll give where I need to. I'll battle glutton because in God I trust. I only need so much. We each only need so much. Democracy is just as out-of-date as Communism. When a few manage the mass, the mass manage very little. Everyone needs to learn to manage themselves. 

      I don't know the stats of how people in this country don't vote, but if people aren't voting, that is something we need to look into. There must be a reason why: Either they can't, don't know how, don't htink they can, or would prefer not to. All of those are issues that need to be addressed by the government. Perhaps if voting were as mandatory as paying taxes, people would participate.

      My President need not "Swag" nor to be Black, instead to be an authentic person who genuine consideration for the equality of people and their living conditions. Until there is a President like that, I'll be President of my damned self. People die everyday so that I can't understand the value of having my life. I'll live mine for me, thank you.

That or... bring back Bill Clinton.