Ask ELLA: What's Your Flaw?

   

  According to someone, somewhere, something I'm doing right now is probably wrong and something about me is incorrect. A woman working. Twenty something and not married. Melanin infected. The nerve of me. My favorite thing about me is how great people hate that I am. It's you who thinks that I'm great, why get mad at me? Went with the family to Coldstone the other day and got shade from everyone behind the counter. Of all the places in the world, why is everyone at Coldstone mad at me? So I tipped them. They ain't sing to me, tho. G shit, I guess.

Ask ELLA: When Should You Quit?

        

   If I haven't made a complete fool of myself, I'm probably not done. I can't say that works for everyone, but you've got to decide which risks you're willing to take; You should also know how to follow up, should the consequences not be as you had hoped. 

ASK ELLA: How do you Stay Cool?

     Sometimes, you've really got to chill. The most difficult question to answer in life is "When?" Time is the one thing you have no control over. There is no way to speed it up, or slow it down, or pause it for a second while you... whatever. No matter what you do, time keeps moving, which means, shit's gonna happen. I've realized that people call me "reserved" but it's really that it takes a lot to make me act wild/irrational... If anything. I am Miss America at heart and want nothing but peace in my life, so I allow nothing to disturb that.

 

Ask Ella: What is my Purpose & How do I Find it?

Ella,

How do I feel about blogging?  I don't know I've never done it, but it looks fun! 
I would talk about my day, my thoughts, the flowers, motherhood, relationships, depression and struggle. I'm all over the place Ella but I just have so much inside me.


I've followed you for a few months now and I love the fact that your on line magazine expresses you. Not just you, also things I think about and things I want to do. I would love if you could help me find who I am and what my purpose is. But I want to blog about my journey so that it may help another who may be going through similar situations.

I choose you because you are very busy but you seem to love your readers.  I never in a million years thought you'd respond to my questions.  Your personal interest in people .. I love that about you, it's how I feel deep inside like fire inside of me, overwhelming passion, excitement of a journey.  But first I want to understand what this overwhelming passion inside me is.

Is this something you think you would or have time to help me with?

Sincerely,
Carla


Dear Carla,

        You’ve inspired me to aspire. Funny thing is, what I aspire to do is inspire. I assure you I am as honored to speak with you as you are shocked to know I actually respond to people. Before we begin, though... I want to warn you, I speak very firmly and clearly. Some take this as a sign of hubris or conceit, but really it’s because I’ve taken the time to think before I responded to you --you know that personally, since I've tried to keep you posted. I do love my readers. What I feel for you more though, is respect. I don't just write to write bullsh*t. Here, I have the opportunity to help you. That's amazing to me. I take that seriously & need to take the time to really think about the message I give you... because, if I do my job, you'll listen. As you read, please note I've taken the time to understand how I feel about what you asked and, in my response, I mean every word. I encourage you to sit with your thoughts and listen to yourself as well.  Read along & you'll see that you already know what to do.

        What I’m giving you are methods of thinking/working/moving in this world that may help you free your truest self and help you find that peace, happiness and fulfillment you’re looking for. It may not be easy. It’s not going to be fast, but if you maintain a strong mind and a stronger will, I’m sure you’ll do everything you privately dream to. Before we begin, thank you. For... the literal compliments as well as your having faith enough in me to ask me. I am honored. I love to help people, but I refuse to help those who don’t want to be helped & I know I'm not a psychologist (changed my major ASAP freshman year because I realized I have my own issues & people with emotional issues don't need doctors, they need love), so it's very hard for me to write these. I told you I quit doing "Ask Ella" a year ago, but since you’ve reached out to me, it warms my heart that you want something so beautiful. & there was such honesty in your email that I couldn’t just bullsh*t a post (as if I ever would dare be so phony and careless).  So here we go!  I’ve come up with three pieces of advice for you.

#1 Look in the Mirror

      I can't help you find yourself because you already have you. It took me 23 years to find myself. It’d be a lie for me to say I can help find you, whom I met on Instagram. No disrespect, but I don’t know you. No one knows you more than you know yourself. What might help, though, is family. Knowing your roots; what’s made you and what grew you. I found myself a little before Christmas last year, when I tattooed “Marjorie Thousand by Francia Fung” on my arm.  I am Marjorie. My mother is Francia. I am her daughter and everything that goes along with that. I am everything she raised me to be. That is who I am.  A few weeks before I got that tattoo, I had cried myself to sleep and woke myself up to the same because I had realized it was time to let go of “friends” I could no longer associate myself with. I was on the phone with CJ when my mother walked in my room, looked in my red eyes and asked me what’s wrong. She came in as my mother --hot coffee in hand, knowing something was wrong with her baby --and left as my friend. My mother is the only person who cares for me like that. I mean like that. She'd give her life. And has. That was the first time I told a friend I had to go, so that I could sit with my mom, my first and truest friend, to ask for her advice. My mother was real with me, as she always has been. She told me, like a 58-year-old, 5-foot-nothin, Dominican Jay-Z, that no one is built like me. & that I design myself. (My mom’s the man.) I'm here to tell you that so do you.

         I know this might sound crazy, but I often stand in front of the mirror just to look myself in the eyes. I try to understand what I’m feeling. What I’m saying to myself in silence. There must be a reason I have these thoughts no one else can hear. I see myself. I take note to observe myself the way others might see me. You have to learn to love exactly what is in that mirror because that is you. You have to look yourself in the eyes because you need to learn to be honest with yourself. Don’t fear yourself. Speak to yourself. Tell yourself how you're feeling and refuse to look away. Don’t back down. Don’t fear who you are. Don’t be your own enemy. Look at yourself the way others should see you. Smile at your “flaws,” for they make you who you are. If you want to speak to people, you have to see yourself how they will. Treat yourself how they will. You set precedence. People only treat you the way you treat yourself. & if you can’t stand/respect/trust/value/love you, why should anyone else? Eventually, you’ll be able to look in the mirror and smile and glow and see the beauty emanating from within.  That beauty is your soul. & when you begin to understand the beauty of your soul, you'll see it in other people & they will see it in you. We are all soul mates. It's crazy to me that I'm the same person I was years ago, but when I used to look in the mirror, I despised every single bit of me. We can't do that. In order to love the world, you've got to start within. You are the world.  Secretly, we're all the same. Supposedly made in the image of The One. How can we be imperfect? How can we be different?

       I can’t tell you what your passion is because you are the only one who feels it. So if you are the one who holds it, you need to take some time to speak with yourself. Understand who you are. Like any other subject, you have to understand the history of it. What happened? When did it happen? Why did it happen? What happened afterwards? How has that led up to today? You need to fully understand what makes you you. 

        Writing helped me understand myself. I take writing seriously because... it's what I love to do. I want to caution you against writing simply because "Ella" does it.  I do it because I've been writing exactly like this since I was 6 years old. I just knew less words and made more spelling mistakes. Writing is what I do. Whatever you end up blogging/doing, make sure it's what you do that expresses you. Writing though, is helpful for anyone, I'd argue. Sometimes, you need a written reminder. What happened? I wrote that shit down. I can literally tell you what was going through my mind a year ago. Take the time to be your own best friend. Listen to your own story, first. Because, when you do begin writing, remember that you are your audience. Your readers will read your work because of you --because you are like them. The things you wished someone would have said to you, say to them. Treat them like your children, but understand they are individuals. Guide them in the manner you wish you could have been guided. Whatever was missing for you, give them. For example, I didn’t start speaking to my mother, in depth, until I was 22 (two years ago). I couldn’t ask her questions I wish I could have. Frankly, I didn't like her. She knows it. Same with my sister. Didn't like her either. I only respected my brother and he was like an overprotective dad. I couldn't tell him nothing but how many points I scored in the game that day. I wanted someone to reach out to for the tough questions. Someone who wouldn’t judge me, but would be honest. Someone whose actions and character I respected who was willing to speak to me as an equal. Hopefully, that is what I can be for you.

#2 Get A Life

I know that sounds rude, but you’ll get it. Get it!? ;) 

  Here’s the truth: Unfortunately, I can’t babysit you, but I can cheer you on all the way. I wake up everyday at 5am to feed Duchess. Sometimes she lets me rock & enjoy my rest until 6. I try to give her time digest her food so she can go before I leave the house at 8. From 5:30-6, I cool out, lay in bed and hug & kiss my puppy since I have long work-days & she’s got to get as much love & attention as I can give. She's young & this time is important for us. At 6am, I make my coffee & clean if I have to. 6:30am I read a passage from the Good Book. 7am, I get in the shower & start getting ready for work.  I catch the 8:12am bus to the train. My train ride to work is about an hour long. From 9:30-7pm, Monday-Friday, I bust my ass for a paycheck. I do sit at a computer all day, but I do have shit to do (I even eat lunch at my desk, it's so busy). I have plenty responsibility because I've asked for it. I'm not lazy. I'm pretty f*ckin brilliant and entry-level is where you prove yourself. When I don't have work to do, I create it. I work in advance so that I can get ahead. 

     Regardless of the fact that I want this magazine to blow so I can quit, I enjoy my day job. I do it the best it’s been done, I’ve been told. While I’m on their time, I invest myself 1000%, as I do in everything I take on. Just because I have the online magazine (and want it to be my life) doesn’t mean I half-ass everything else. I’m a hard worker. All day. I commit myself to everything I do --even in raising my puppy. Life is serious to me. After my hour train ride, I get home at about 8pm & feed Duchess and we hug & kiss a little more. Then I make dinner & pack my lunch for the next day. I do the dishes. Take a shower, get ready for bed & by about 10pm, I’m done with my duties. From 10-11, I do what makes me happy. At 11pm, I read another passage from The Book. I try to be in bed by 12am because, 5am is around the corner. On Saturdays, I try to schedule something for the magazine, whether it’s an interview, an event or simply truly living my mantra and doing #JustWhatWeWannaDo. Sometimes, that means I sit in the house and kiss Duchess. Sometimes that means go to Tiffany’s and look at diamonds. On Sundays, I rest. Please note I haven't even touched on my personal life. I need time to play and enjoy myself. I'm also not one of those angry girls who can't find a man. I date. And very well. I just keep my business to myself. (When I'm ready to talk about that... I will.) By telling you all of this, I hope  you understand that, yes, I am busy. I am chasing my dreams and I have to commit myself to them completely. I never stop. I’m fully invested. This magazine is my heart, and the only thing I love more is my life --I’m blessed to have a plan to make them go hand-in-hand. But it's all still in the works, so, no, I don't have much free time. If I can mentor you in the least bit, I hope it’s in my leading by example. I am just like you. I don’t have all the answers. I’m still working my ass off on this Earth. It ain’t heaven just yet. I can’t commit myself to do anything for any person constantly --especially if that person isn’t me. 

       I’ve finally understood the value of myself. I need to help myself. You don’t need all the help you think you do. You simply need to have more faith in what lies inside of you. While we are here to support other people, I believe that we should lead more by example. I can’t agree to help you because that would mean it’s okay for you to take away from your time and your life, too. I don’t want you to do that. Some call me selfish for feeling that way, but I think it's better than letting people down. By declining a proposed “mentor-ship” of sorts, I hope to free you. You need to take control of your own life --that’s the only way to live it fully. No one can live for you. If you’re going to figure out what your life means, you’ve got to take a hold of it and claim ownership of your existence. Now. Only when you’ve claimed your life in its entirety, can you assemble the pieces and understand the “purpose” you’re looking for. If you keep giving people pieces of your puzzle, you’ll never have the full picture.

#3 Just F*ckin Do It. 

       You already know what you wanna do. "I want to blog about my journey so that it may help another who may be going through the similar situation," said you. The next step is to just do it. Nowadays, everyone is so corporate, they’re going to tell you some dumb sh*t you already know --Get a website. Start writing. If you want details on “How to Blog,” I’m not the one for that; Google is. I believe that all that sh*t is phony to the core --no one can tell you how to write about your life or how to help others. There isn’t a method or recipe for truth other than to follow your heart and do the best you can to remain positive. If documenting your journey is how you best see fit, then just do it. The medium you should use is what makes you most comfortable. For example, painters paint *shrugs*.

      You don’t need permission. Whatever site you wanna use, use it.  (I use Blogger.com. You can also use WordPress.com, but if you have specific questions, Google has the most answers.) Whatever you wanna say, say it. However you wanna promote, promote it. Along the way, opportunities arise and it’s on you to look out for them. Everyone likes the “networking” idea,  but I prefer to connect with people. If your writing is supposed to be about helping people, then when someone needs help, you should help. Perhaps you'll say, “Hey, this is my site, you should check it out when you have free time.” It’s most beneficial to have a business card to go along with it, because people don’t remember anything unless they really want to. On the business end of it, I say, continue to challenge yourself & never quit. Yes, I believe it is that simple. Because those who love you truly will continue to do so. & supporters are supporters. It doesn't sound to me like you're here for the money, so if/when financials become a factor, remember what you're really here for. If you’re wondering how to trick/lure/entice readers into finding and reading your blog, that’s not my specialty. You can team up with a PR/Marketing Group & they’ll help you with that. I like natural readership. Everybody who reads me, reads me because they read me. I truly don’t give a f*ck enough to concern myself with who's clicking where. I write. I live. I love. That’s all I care about. Whoever doesn't like what I do can some find some other self-interested, phony site to entertain themselves with. If it’s blogging that your heart desires, do it. First though, you need to approach this as you would any other hobby/task/activity/game --you need to understand what it is first. Blogging is the act of constantly telling people what you do. Blogger is a website. Blogger.com, to be exact. To help people on their journey is much different from “blogging”.


     If it’s a journey you’re detailing, you’d better actually embark on that journey. As I write this, it’s a Friday night and there is far too much to do. I’m considering a new venture with a friend you all might enjoy (S/O to expansion). I was supposed to meet him for drinks, but I have a 9:15am bus to catch tomorrow to Philly. I could have gone. It’s only 10:38pm, but I want to write this more than I want to do anything else.  The secret to doing what you want to do, the way it needs to be done, is to do what you want to do. You’ll end up doing what you’re supposed to be doing --what makes you happiest and expresses you as an individual. Where ever your heart is, is exactly where it needs to be. As I thought about writing this, I considered what you might want and/or need to hear. Not that I’m not concerned with your well being, but if you’ve reached out to me, it’s because you feel comfortable with me. Given I only have one shell, I have no choice but to be me. So f*ck what you need or want, ELLATHOUGHT.com simply gives you what I think. This is my world and I respect the guidelines I've set for myself. I respect myself. I didn’t always like what I saw in the mirror. I assume that’s what you’ve gathered from reading me. Tending to yourself and your soul are the most important things in the world. I refuse to believe any theory that differs.

 

#4. Be God-like

     As for spiritually, what you should do: Follow your heart. Whatever you are supposed to be doing here, make sure you do it. Stick to your guns. Be a woman of your word. Sometimes, we like to tell ourselves how great we are and how much we’re changing, but when difficult challenges come our way, it’s easy to go against ourselves --especially if no one will find out. That is where I struggle today. If you put yourself into the light to help other people find their way, you need to stay in the light where you can be seen. You need to be aware that if you stray into the dark, they’ll follow you there. You are now responsible. It’s kind of like how Nicki Minaj said, “I do this for the girls who never thought they could win,” and then followed by releasing a song call “Stupid Hoe” with herself in a cage shaking her ass. You have to be conscious of what you’re putting out there. Every footstep in the sand matters.

      “Our purpose here is to act on Earth like it's heaven,” Tyesha answered. Here we were, drinking champagne from plastic cups in  Times Square, toasting to her clothing line, Glam Addiction Designs, JWWWD Magazine, success, the empowerment of Our People and His grace. This morning, I told a friend that, sometimes, I worry that I ruin the mood. Instead of yelling and screaming and throwing myself at men, I would much rather sit around a table and ask two girls I have never met before what they think our purpose on Earth is --I needed to hear input other than my own before I wrote this. It was their first night out with me, so I apologized about how heavy my conversation tends to be, but it ended up that they were more than happy to speak about faith, belief, the bible, God and life with me --at 12am on a beautiful summer Saturday night on the streets of New York City, mind you.

       I believe your purpose here is the same as mine. To be happy. To make the world a better place by making your life (which is your world) a better place. That "fire" you mentioned is a marvelous thing. It burns the whole of you. It’s blinding. It makes you squint your eyes and tighten your cheeks. It makes you smile. If you’re already feeling that, you’re halfway there. This is where I feel comfortable speaking to you about God. I don’t know what you call him. In my opinion, that higher power has manifested itself in so many different forms simply to reach us all. He/She looks like what you want him/her to look like. Says what you want to hear. Does what you think should be done. The idol you keep is extremely important. As I had this conversation last night, I can’t sit back and deny my Catholic God --the same one who taught me to accept all people. I believe (like Lauryn Hill said on her UnPlugged) God speaks to the hearts of people better than any of us and he'll find his way to you whether you want him to or not. Perhaps through my encouraging you. Finding faith has grounded me. Also, in grounding myself, I’ve found faith. At the same rate, I’ve got a couple pages left in Jean-Paul Satre’s Existential and Human Emotions (post coming soon!) in which he argues that every man is responsible for the outcome of his life (“man” used loosely in a sexist epoch). We don’t have a defined “duty” on this Earth. Plants and animals are food, but what are we?

        I believe we are here to live life to the limit and love it a lot. But we decide that "limit" depending on how much faith we have in ourselves. We are to be thankful for each day and try to make the best of it. But each day, as we decide with to do with those 24 hours, you work them on your set of values. If you value love, spread love. (That’s my mission.) Peace? Respect? Honesty? Loyalty? It works on the other end of the spectrum, too. He who lies spreads lies. Some goes for hate, stress and drama. I believe the deities we revere simply personify the qualities we value. Jesus was dope, in my opinion. & he’s the only one who said he was the Son of God, so... if that’s what he said, I have no proof otherwise. I’m Marjorie Thousand by Francia Fung & you better f*ckin believe it.  I admire Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Muhammad, Martin Luther King, Malcom X, Heuy Newton, Sojourner Truth and any other folk --living or dead, present, past or future --who aim to make the world a better place. Even if they made mistakes. Even if I didn’t agree. There are people who agreed with Hitler for a reason. Not saying I agree... but I simply understand what he was thinking. He wanted the world to be a better place --for him. It’s the selfishness that made it wrong & drove the rest to be inhumane. I think that is our purpose. To improve the conditions of living, but we forget that it should be for all mankind. Still, there are so many of us, with so many different stories, we each have to play our part... perhaps you’ve been called to play yours.

       I want to make the world a better place. Especially for women. Especially for women who look like me. I want us to be able to sit at tables with each other and cease the judgement. I want to help our men. I want us, as the human species, to be able to speak with one another and share love. I want us to discuss how to make the world a safer, happier place and one day, put those ideas to work. I want this to be heaven. So badly. I remember when I hated it here. I recall the days I felt alone because I couldn’t see the love that surrounded me. Like the day I sat with my face in the toilet, my mother asking me what I ate that got me so sick, but I couldn’t say “Asprin.” I keep no secrets about myself, I don’t pretend to hold any fame. I unleash my truths methodically and measure them carefully. That’s why that last truth is at the bottom of this piece and in the middle of this paragraph --because those who couldn’t make it through the first portion of this post damned sure wouldn’t be able handle the end of it. I hope you understand that I understand this world is a dangerous place, but we are the most deadly to ourselves. You need to love and believe in yourself. Anything you want to do, you can do it. You’ve simply got to invest your heart into it.

And, please, don’t forget to talk about the flowers.

Much love & many, many blessings,

ELLA <3

Giving Advice

Exactly one year ago, I thought...

(8.10.11) 

           I don't want to give advice anymore. I don't think I'm good at it. Not because I'm not good at it. I'm good at it. I can tell you exactly what to do. It's just that I don't think anyone should give anyone advice. I used to think that there were people who could help other people but in reality, the people who sit and try to give you advice do the least for you. They think their doing the most. And you might give them the words they want to hear, but whatever you were going to do, you're going to do it.

I hope you're following.

     I write for myself. I write is because no one is saying the things I want to hear. Everything in this world is garnered towards a particular person in mind. Every TV show, every newspaper, every article of clothing every product down to the very type of toothpaste you use. Information is thrown at us whether we like it or not. The most precise placement for advertisement, though, is a magazine.  You read the magazine you read for a particular reason. And people who aren't like you don't read what you read. They don't take that time. So here... as you read... realize everyone reading thinks like you. They can actually make it through the sentences. Secretly, we're having a f*cking conversation here.

 Today I think...

(8.10.12) 
 

 But if someone reaches out to you, do you deny them the assistance? I don't know everything. But there are some things I do know. I wasn't always as happy as I am today. I've purposely, consciously freed myself of the negativity in my life. having written down my happenings for the past two years has simply shown me how much I've grown. I haven't changed, I've just gotten happier. From the outside, it might seem like change, but I'm the same person. The way I think has altered. I don't have different thoughts  --my opinions are still the same --I just react differently now. I've slowed down. I've taken care to sit with my thoughts a bit longer than I used to. I even try to edit now. I think I've found my pace.

I can see the finish line. I know how to get there, I just don't know how long it'll take. I'm not slowing down though. Whenever I walk into rooms or meet new people, they seem to be astounded by my youth. I understand that next year, I'll know more sh*t than I know now. Still, I know I'll be the same person. Marjorie Thousand is Marjorie Thousand even if you call her Ella and especially if you call her Maggie. I'm the same f*ckin person man... I've just boiled down to the basics. Everything that doesn't need to be in my life has been removed from it. & even those who have wanted to remove themselves have done so. My shoulders feel so much lighter.

Everyone should feel this way. Not be like me, but be free  like me. Spiritually, you know. Just... free to follow their hearts. People rarely tell you how to just... be. So rarely, it seems like it's the wrong thing. People want to argue you can't have what you want and you can just do what you want to do, but why the f*ck not? Someone needs to correct the bullsh*t. Someone needs to show people that we can be happy... especially if we weren't before. If you're not happy and/or struggling, that means there is a fight for you. That means there is better. So let's work towards that. & if I can help... why not? I'm a good person. I'm a "Golden Rule" kinda girl. As long as I make sure to abide by my own advice & never speak on sh*t I don't know... it should be all good. *shrugs* Afterall, this is #WhereTruthLives

Run The World

   You know you love it how we;re smart enough to make these millions, strong enough to bear our children  --then get back to business. Beyonce - "Girls"

     I've been thinking a lot about me lately.  A certain Miss Brittany ( you know I love Brittany's, no matter how you spell it) asked me a while ago to give you advice on how to get a job,  I've been troubled about it since I read the FB message it came in. All I can think is that there's a gorgeous girl, with a ready mind,  a wide smile,  eager eyes and reckless determinations sitting in my inbox and I don't want to steer her wrong. I don't want to disappoint her.  I wish I had secrets to tell you. I wish it were that easy... but then again, I don't. You see, the world of employment is a beast. Either you have a job or you don't. When you don't, all you can focus on is your need for a job. Any job (if you're thinking clearly). One place many people make the mistake is in thinking you're more qualified than you are. There are people who have been doing what you want to do, what makes you so special? That's what you have to prove to your employers. Chances are though, they might not see it. Especially if the one who happens to apply is Black. I'm just saying. There are jobs, but people have prejudices that are sometimes beyond their own control as they are engrained in the corporate culture. You're task is to make it passed the bullshit bureaucracy that guards the front line to your future. 

    I can't guide you here. I can't tell you how to find a job except to look for one you want and apply. If you believe in a god, I suggest you pray to him/her/it. If you don't, cross your fingers, tie your laces. It's a big world out there. You need to implement some problem solving and creativity. You'll need to watch more PBS. Curious George was on this morning and realized what I was supposed to (since I'm an adult watching kids shows and all). I saw two short segments in which little George implements these two skills. He's got to make a pinata for a surprise B-Day party but the paper-mache will take far too long to dry. He ends up taping together two raisins containers to make a pretty bad-ass (and healthy) alternative. In the second part of the show, George and his friends want to take gymnastics class but the class is only once a week. In order to excel and practice, they create their own gym in the yard out of ordinary items and show great improvement when they return to class the next week. 

      The only advice I can give is... don't give up. Once you give up, you're out of the race. The pack has already sped by you. Now I know this may sound like bullshit, but there's a reason we used to watch cartoons. They tell us what to do. You need to take initiative. If you want o succeed, you need to chart out exactly what it is you aim to accomplish and find the best way to get there. If you want that job, you need to find an open position, find someone who can hire you and find the reasons why you are the best, most qualified candidate. If you haven't yet figured out what you want to do, try out whatever opportunity presents itself to you. You might like it. You might be able to turn it into something you do  like. And in the worst case scenario, you'll have gained some experience. 

      For those of us who are already on the job, the questions are a bit different. The questions vary: How long do I do this?  What do I want  to do? How do I get there? I don't have an answer for these either. I met a guy in the post office once who used to do my job. "How do I know when to move on?" I asked him (I take part in some very serious conversations with strangers) to which he told me that at the point when I feel like I've mastered my position and everything that comes with it, it's time for a new position. It's time for a challenge. You don't want to get stuck somewhere -at least I don't. And I want to move fast. I'm uncomfortable with comfort. And my ends aren't satisfying my needs. I need more. More responsibility. More purpose. More importance. More money. 

      I just ordered business cards but I've decided to omit my title. Not because I don't like my title, or that I won't like the next one, I just don't plan on keeping a title for too long. The only "title" that satisfies me is my name. This is something I'm debating bringing to my employer's attention. I've practiced my stance for so long it's morphed into a soliloquy outlining my dreams and aspirations and I'm not sure anyone wants to hear that... but I'm not sure I give a fuck. I once had a conversation with my boss about how this "new generation" thinks they can take over the world. He insinuated that assert ourselves too much. We think we are owed something. We think that we can come into any and every company and completely take over. The thing is, you can't let Rome know you're invading before you begin your march. You've got infiltrate and take the muthafucka over. Perhaps that's what I'll do. I'll give them warning. I'll let them know I'm ready for battle. But one way or another, this shit is mine.  It's a takeover. 

The breaks over. 

      The key to this shit is knowing whom you should know. Speaking to whom you should speak. This is the part of the journey where you stop giving a fuck about everyone else. Where everyone else works. How much everyone else makes. Where your friends live. Where your mom is. What' comfortable. If you really want to make moves, you've got to make them in your own best interest. You've got to put you first. You need that job. So you have to put in the effort. Introduce yourself to people. Lose your shame. Let them know you're on the market, but make them feel like they need you on their team. Exchange cards and emails. Follow up. Send thanks you notes. Kiss ass when it's worth it. You've go to humble yourself.m You've got to realize that you need that job, but they don't need to hire you --unless you can make them feel like they should. Approach every interview with confidence. Assure them that you'd be able to get the job done even if you have no idea what the fuck is going on. Prove yourself worthy. Present yourself as valuable. Luckily, I met the right person and left him with the right impression. I sit here now, writing to you as I fill in for him. It was a stroke of luck. An opportunity had presented itself--I sure as hell wasn't letting it slip by me. I followed up. I kept in contact. I worked my ass off.  And I'm here. Still working my ass off

      &, of course, I have to insert a "Dear Black People" segment: Sometimes, you've got to let everything go if you want to do the best for you. Which means, you'll have to do it alone. If you don't want to, if you feel like you can't, thats perfectly fine, but you'll be perfectly mediocre at the end of the day and, I garuntee, not living up to your full potential. Sometimes, you've got to leave what you know to find better 00if you knew better, you'd already have everything wouldn't you? You need to avoid basing your decisions on how much free time you'll have (or won't have) or where your friends will be. Because there's plenty of free time after you retire and your friends should always be there, no matter where they are. 

    And you don't always have to take the hood with you. Sometimes, I feel like people are helped back by everything and everyone they have to carry with them. I used to dream about buying a mansion that all my friends and family can live in (rent-free, nonetheless) until I realized that they're people, too. They can pull their weight, too. There's no reason why I should carry the burden of supporting my whole family, never mind an entire community. And unless I can, one day, give Oprah a run for her money, I don't plan on sponsoring an entire race. I have enough time supporting myself. I considered getting a dog and have to double check to see if dog food and a dog-walker could fit my budget. I once dreamed of bringing "my niggas to the building. Give a feeling that I don't give a fuck. [We'd be] chilling watching chandelier ceilings high as fuck," and I still do. But I've realized that I may have to get a small chandelier before I can hang the big one.  

So... good luck. I'm sure there is much ahead. Just remember that every day has 24 hours for you to take advantage of --if you want to.  Take advantage of every moment with no regard. If you want to, you can run the world. 

Ask Ella: Should I chase my dream?

What do I do?

     You never stop believing. For a minute there, I forgot that dreams come true. Because too many people say they won't. Too many... haters out there. They tell you that nothing is perfect. That life won't turn out the way you want it. That you "never know". 

Fuck that. 

      Never let go of your fairytales. The moment you do is the moment all else comes crashing down. Don't stop believing in your dreams. No matter how farfetched. Actually... especially the ones that seem far. I can't say that they will, for certain, come true. But I know --for a fact --that if you don't believe in them, they will never realize. You won't accomplish anything you go into half-heartedly. If you want it, get it. Fuck what "they" say. Fuck what "they" think. "They" don't matter. 

       There is an army of nay-sayers marching in your mind. You must defeat them. Lives will be lost. It's inevitable. You might have, at a point previous, thought the battle was won. But you walked away torn and bruised. Confused as to which strategy to employ next. But you need to understand that in every battle lost there are lessons you can learn. I mean... what doesn't kill you arms you. Prepares you for the next battle. You've walked away with minor inflictions but nothing that can deter you from moving forward. From progressing. From getting what it is you aimed for in the first place --that is, if you remain focused --because every battle you fight is always the means to the same end: Happiness. 

        I want you to listen to your heart. Do what you feel is right without hesitation. You know what  Jay said about he who hesitates in war? He who hesitates is lost.  I don't want you to miss out. Not on one opportunity or experience. You do what you feel is right. You've got to learn to trust yourself. Even in the poor decisions you make --My poorest decisions were the ones I am most grateful for. It is better to regret having done something, than to wonder how it would have been had you tried. 

     Don't let it slip away.  Have faith. If you believe in it, it's real. It's yours. You don't have to justify it to the world. They only person who should co-sign the decisions you make is yourself. You should be your biggest supporter. Your #1 fan. Confide in your heart. It won't steer you wrong. That is the only thing I can promise. 

    In a world controlled by fear of rapists, terrorists, pedophiles and mass murderers, we need something. We need love. We need happiness. If there is one thing you can do to make the world a better place, it's to believe in yourself. The least you can do  is make yourself  happy --even if no one understands why you've made the decisions you've made. At least your happy. 

        If you think he loves you, he loves you. If you think, one day, you'll rule the world --start picking out your crown. Somewhere, we lost our fairytales. We stopped believing in love at first sight. Princes and princesses were storybook characters. Hard work got you nowhere and a college degree wasnt worth shit. Somewhere along the path, the road flipped right the fuck upside down. And anyone left believing in love, success and education was certifiably insane. Anyone believing in themselves... well... we're the new 5 percenters. 

       We are gods in our own right. If there is anyone who can make your dreams come true, it's you yourself. No one else. You are the ruler of your world. You can make shit happen if you really want it to... and when it comes to love, find yourself a god just like yourself, and he'll treat you like the goddess he recognizes you to be. 

         So what do you do? You do the impossible. You do it twice. 

Ask Ella: How Can I Find a Girlfriend?

Heyyy Ella,

How can I find a gf or girl? bcz I dont hav a gf and im 22 . actually i never had a gf in my life. hey is it bad? But i think its not good. I feel alone. hmm actually im not a bad, weird person but i just dont get these things.

-Relationship Virgin

  My Dear Relationship Virgin, 

     Honey, the good thing here is that you're far from alone on your quest for someone to call yours. But if you've never had a girlfriend "in your life," why do you want one now?

        I'm going to be honest here: Us girls aren't as nice as we look. Before you set out on this journey to love, I suggest you do some serious thinking about why you want a relationship. Is it because you feel alone? Because you have to know (before you go into it) that the relationship isn't just for you. Yes, you'll gain some companionship, but you'll have to be willing to give that person something as well. What are you bringing to the table? There's one more "why" I need you to contemplate: Why haven't you ever had a girlfriend? Was it your choice? IF it was your choice, has that situation change? For example, if it was a reason like, you don't have time or you'd rather date around, have those sentiments changed. Do you now feel different? How? Why? When did this happen? Are you truly ready to change your lifestyle and include another person? You're 22 and so am I. If you feel anything like how I feel, you're old enough to put careful thought in your decision, but young enough to know that no decision you make right now is going to be the end all be all. 

        I don't think your not having ever had a girlfriend is exactly a bad thing... it's actually rather intriguing and, personally, I'd love to be a guy's first girlfriend. You do kind of have the "virgin" allure. :) But that all changes if the reason is because it's your fault. No girls have ever wanted to be your girlfriend? Are you sure you're not weird? lol... jk, jk... Most guys are forced into relationships at least once or twice. Are you afraid of commitment? I know men hate that phrase, but it's because most men are. Really though, what has changed? A "Girl" is still a person. You can't own her. She's not the perfect outfit. She has feelings. She's moody. She loves and she hurts. You have to be ready for her and everything that comes with it. But when you find her, she'll be the most beautiful disaster you'll experience. 

       Looking for a girlfriend is like searching for a best-friend. These things are just supposed to happen. If you rush into it with someone you barely know and don't trust, you're going to get hurt. Just let it happen. I can't really tell you how to get a girlfriend. There are no steps or tricks I can teach you because we're all different. But I suggest that if/when you find a girl that you like, you treat her like she should be treated --from the very first moment. Don't change for her or what you think a girl might like. If you're looking for something meaningful, find someone who actually vibes with you so that you can be yourself. This way you never have to change & neither does she. If what you're really looking for is someone to lay up with and have (guaranteed) sex waiting on you, take a young girl to dinner. You're more likely to get play. I'm not going to teach you how to score. At the root, all women like the same thing: Money. You can buy an easy female if that's what you're looking for. If you want a woman, that'll take a few simple ingredients: Honesty, loyalty, respect. 

      I suggest you keep dating around. Treat women the way they should be treated. After a while, you'll see who sticks around. Love is just a game. Half strategy, half luck. Finding the girl is the hard part, but you'll have to do that one your own. Let me know when you find someone you like, and I'll tell you how to keep her. 

Good Luck!

You Probably Think This Blog is About You.

         "Don't put this in your blog." How many times have I heard that now? I've lost count of the men afraid to speak to me, fearing their truths will be revealed in my all too honest script. I'm here to say don't worry your little heads off... but don't do anything dumb either. Ella will put a man on blast if she has to. Everyone is afraid of what I might say here. I feel it when they say nothing and I hear it when the say otherwise. Men who were involved with me wonder when their names will come up. Men who wish they could be involved pretend they don't want to be. [Either that or they think every post is about them.] You know whose fear is greater? Mine. 

          Privacy is still key for me, even if blogging seems hypocritical. Do you really think I talk about everything I experience? I'd be a fool to. That isn't to say that I don't wish I could. I wish I didn't know anyone who reads my blog and that they didn't know me. But... that's not the case. I'm respectful to those I mention (unless they deserve no respect) but I not going to put their names in & link you to their Twitter accounts unless it's in a positive manner (although I should be vengeful to some people).  Not all men have treated me kindly. Not all men have put their best foot forward with me. And I have the right to share my experiences... because many, MANY of women have been hurt by men who wouldn't know a good woman if she wore the T-Shirt and announced herself over a loud-speaker. At the Macy's Day Parade. Twice.

     I will admit that some men have put their best foot forward and I've recognized this. Still, every man seems to think he's one of a kind. No guy says that he is like every other guy --this is what makes you like every other guy. You're all incapable of admitting that you're all just alike. But my point is, if you're not doing anything wrong, you shouldn't have a reason to worry. I can admit the nice things that were done for me... but when the good runs out, alls that's left is a worthless man and a regret for time lost on a pointless pursuit. 

     But I'm intelligent enough to preserve a beautiful thing. If I've talked about something or someone... it's probably because it's over. That chapter of my life is finished and so I can write on it in complete form. I'm not going to write about what I'm living at the moment because I'm living in the moment. 

     Similarly, I recommend you live your own relationship. I have a friend that will go through her phone and read you entire text conversations between her and any given guy. She'll give you details of every account so descriptive that you feel like you've been there and that you're dating this guy. I can't do that. I like to keep my men to myself. I really don't even like my friends to be friends with the guys I'm involved with. I think a relationship should be between 2 people and that is all. The more people you allow into a relationship, the more input you get. For example, this summer one of my girlfriends made me upset at a guy when I wasn't even that upset. Because of her whole "if that was me" explanation, I became more upset, when really it wasn't even that big of a deal. What I failed to realize is that she is not me and I am not her. That's why the guy is dating me. If he wanted to date her, he would have dated her. Everyone wants a Jay-Z and Beyonce relationship, but few people can stop letting the entire world into their business. There are things I want to post here. I want to tell you all of it. But I really want this experience for myself. I want what is mine to be mine.

       In real life, I'm more personal. I'm more reserved. There are few people I talk to about my current relationships. But I'll put everything on the table once it's over. While I'm involved with a guy, you won't know a thing about how it's going. Ask around. & those of you who know me.... Am I lying? I made a new girlfriend this summer who, truly, is like a little sister to me. I adore this girl. But she has way too many people giving input in her relationship. She tells me her problems and all the he-said, she-said issues, meanwhile I don't comment. The other night, we talked on the phone for a while as I allowed her to share her problems with me. All I could say at the end was,  "Don't talk too much about him. Too many people have too many things to say." I hope she takes my advice. 

     I blog because I have more opinions than I do questions (Ella's tragic flaw revealed) and I don't necessarily need input. While I love commentary, I am fairly solid in what I believe. And (hopefully) this will be beneficial when I pursue a new relationship. You have to be certain in what you want. As well as certain in what you feel. The more secure you feel with your partner --even if things are as fucked  up as they can possibly be-- the better you will be in that situation. Your situation is yours even if it isn't ideal. & if you're going to put up with certain things, at least be sure that you want to put up with it. And don't complain to every damned body. There's nothing worse than the girl who cries about being cheated on and then stays with the guy. Be sure of the moves you make --- and more sure of who you're sharing your feelings with. Me, for example, even when I'm unsure of something, I am sure of at least one thing: That I am unsure. 

      Keep in mind that not everyone is qualified to give advice. Decide if you would want to be like that person before accepting their input. The one person who's advice I'll follow word for word is my sister because I want to be just like her (read "Perfect Timing" and see why). Taking someone's advice is allowing you're actions to emulate theirs as you manipulate your thoughts to match theirs. If their actions, their life and their decisions aren't how you'd like to end up... I suggest you look elsewhere... 

or you can always just write to HeyyyElla@gmail.com ;)  #ShamelessSelfPromotion