ASK ELLA: How do you Stay Cool?

     Sometimes, you've really got to chill. The most difficult question to answer in life is "When?" Time is the one thing you have no control over. There is no way to speed it up, or slow it down, or pause it for a second while you... whatever. No matter what you do, time keeps moving, which means, shit's gonna happen. I've realized that people call me "reserved" but it's really that it takes a lot to make me act wild/irrational... If anything. I am Miss America at heart and want nothing but peace in my life, so I allow nothing to disturb that.

 

      "When you have the conversation that needs to be had, you'll say everything that needs to be said," he told me. Carl speaks like a prophet sometimes and I love it. Sometimes I feel like I have this group of apostles standing behind me and that is actually the most important piece of keeping cool: Keep level headed people around you. We humans are so susceptible to peer pressure, that it seems to me a good idea to trick yourself into being better than you are (no offense). When the people around you have high expectations of you, you are more likely to try to impress them. Still, it is what they actually consider "impressive" that'll guide your actions. Carl is only impressed when I do the impossible, the almost saintly. It's not that I am a saint, but I talk all this mess about being a "good" person, that I feel like I need to prove to him that I can be. Beyond that, by doing "good" I make him proud, and that is the best feeling of all. 

     The pride your friends feel in your success is only second to the pride you feel for impressing them. There is nothing worse than the feeling of disappointment, of failure. Sometimes, we fail those who love us, in order to impress those we love. This is a real... high school sort of idea, where you do what your friends are doing so that you can be cool, and end up disappointing your parents or getting low grades due to your actions.  What if you could be "perfect"? What if you could be the perfect friend? The perfect daughter, mother, son... lover? Is that impossible? Is perfect truly impossible or is that what people think is impossible? Sometimes, perfect is doing what people consider wrong. Perfect might be ending a relationship. Sometimes, perfect is slowing down a relationship. Sometimes, perfect is doing the exact opposite of what you want to do. Sometimes, perfect is holding yourself back... but mostly, perfect is not having to worry. Perfect is making sure that each decision you've made is one you would recommend all should follow.

"So are you married? No husband?"

"Not yet," I said through a smile.  "He's out there somewhere."

"So... What? You're not ready yet?" he pressed on, his intentions still unclear. 

"God isn't ready yet. That's not something I need to worry about. When he's ready. I'm ready."

            Your perfect might not be the perfect someone else was looking for. Your answers might not be what the other person is looking for. I've realized that the advice people give us, is only what they know --same applies to me. I would recommend you sit with your own thoughts and decide what is write and what is wrong. What is good and what is bad. At the end of it, you need to understand in your mind what you'd like the final product to be and then act accordingly to get there. Some people might find your path unbearable, but you wouldn't be able to follow their footsteps either, so don't judge. You can't always wait for people to give you advice or to lead you. You've got to get up and jump into the ocean to prove you can swim (I've been thinking about that phrase a lot lately). You've got to measure your own steps and gain control of your own existence while allowing others to do the same for their own life journeys. If anything, the only thing you can expect to be is a role model; lead by action.  That's the only way to be comfortable --to be yourself. 

        Grow and progress, don't change. Jay just released his teaser/commercial for his new album, Magna Carter Holy Grail" in which he tackles the ideas of how to navigate through life's trails of failures and successes while still remaining yourself. I believe the way to do that is to make that your aim from the very beginning. It has to be the point. You've got to live your life as yourself and eventually, you'll find the pieces that are meant to fit beside you. One puzzle piece might be able to fit into two puzzles, but it only goes with one puzzle --unless it's a duplicate puzzle, but it'll always end up surrounded by the same pieces no matter what you do. Otherwise, it's just plain wrong. 

  

       The key is to never worry. As you continue with life, some options will simply nix themselves. By a process of elimination, you'll end up knowing exactly where you fit. The world is huge, but once you narrow down where you think you fit, you'll find where you know you fit, and it'll be easy. You don't have to force yourself to do anything. You should never have to stress. Granted, you will feel uncomfortable form time-to-time, but that's only because there is only one you --your steps will never have been made before. I'm scared all the time, I just ignore it. Fear is a human thing, so I find it offensive when it deters my spirit from doing what I want to (or should) do. Most of what I do is in having more confidence in myself than I really have. Even when I feel like I might mess up, or I might be judged, I still force myself to participate in the world. Even when I want to force the world to go the way I know it should be, I allow it space to become what it needs to be. For example, there is a video below of myself at The REAL Open Mic from November 2012, which I just found today. I might have heard 15 seconds of it (I glanced at the screen once) because I can't help but to judge myself by the world's standards (and my face looks fat -___-) . Frankly, I know I'm already better than the video below (and that my physical shouldn't have an effect on the words) but  I had to have been willing to put myself out there in November so I that I could grow into who I am today. Sometimes, when I know I'm not ready, I throw myself in anyway. As long as you plan on getting better... as long as your end goal is better than what it is now, you're pretty groovy. Better yet, you've got to accept who you were. Love who you were... because that's exactly who you are. Everyone starts out an amateur. This is life: There's no rules to this shit.