Ask Ella: Why is it We Never Have the Strength to Leave?

Heyyy Ella, 

Can you please tell me --- What is going on here?! 

BE HONEST WITH ME.

I still think of him everyday and find myself missing him terribly at times. Everytime I think I might be getting over him he pops back into my life via text. I don't shut him out b/c a small part of my heart still loves him in spite of it all. I've had rebound sex with 3 other guys to try to get over it (bad idea, and the sex sucked comapred to HIM), and been on a few dates and I don't feel that click with anyone else. Sometime I just miss the feeling of being hugged and held by him -- I'm pathetic! So perhaps you could shed some light...

What does he want from me? Is he over me? Into me? Afraid to commit to me? Pushing me away b/c he has problems? Why do I continue to feel broken? How can I feel better? Is he a horrible asshole I should completely cut out of my life or a just guy with some issues (that I can't fix)? Ugh what should I do?

 It's all making me feel horribly inadequate about myself...also compounded by a conversation we had once -- wherein he admitted that he LOVED the girl he dated before me and she broke his heart and he doesn't trust women now, and they're all the same and just want commitment and he's done giving pieces of his heart away.

I try to take the high road and always speak kindly to him no matter how horrible he makes me feel. I know no guy should make me feel like this, but there were times when he made me feel like GOLD and I cannot get those out my head...

 On that note, I'm hoping you can give me some SOUND advice!!! Sorry this was so long, I just needed to full explain...looking forward to your guidance.

(excerpt from email)

-Broken in Baltimore

Dear Miss Baltimore, 

        I had no intentions of starting this blog off in this way... but I've got to address one thing before I answer your question. You emailed me your [long] situation. & I took the time out of my day to read it because you took the time to write it. I know this situation is killing you and you need advice soon, but I'm a person just like you are. You emailed me on the 17th and again on the 18th --to check up on my progress, I assume. You've got to cut me some slack. The reason I'm most upset about it was that I felt like I had to promise you I'd respond last night... & then I didn't come through. & now I feel guilty for giving you a time, which I'll never do again. My removed perspective of the situation is always available... I just need time to figure out what I want to say. 

    I'm a woman just like you are. I'm also a person. I work from 9:30am (if I can get there that early... 10 is more realistic) until 8pm sometimes. But I make it a point to blog because it's something I love to do. Please don't press me out for a response, I'll get to it (obviously). And, actually, there are other people's questions I have yet to answer but I'm tending to you first because I don't want your next email to be a death threat. So... I'm here to help. & I love to help.... you just gotta ease up, please. You're not the only person living a life. It makes me wonder if this is some advice you might want to apply elsewhere in your life as well. No disrespect. I'm just sayin. The reason I'm speaking to you in this tone is because I think you need some authority in your life. There is one person each of us should listen to us, and that's your own self. You already know the answer to this question. You just can't seem to convince yourself. You need to believe it yourself: Girl, he's got to go. 

      I know it's easier said than done. I know that because I've been there, too. It was how I felt before  "When He Left Me." That place where every thought is of where it went wrong and if it can be fixed. You're in that stage... where you think it might still be possible. You're probably day-dreaming scenario where one day you'll end up back together happy like you used to be. You've probably shared these with him. Because at one point it worked. At one point, you could come to a solution and "give it another try," right? I'm here to tell you what people are afraid to say. Once love is lost, it's gone. It's like losing an iPhone at the club: You ain't gettin' that shit back. You can ask the DJ to say it over the mic. You can call the phone all you want and send text messages about a cash reward. It's gone, love... It's gone.  But you already know that. I'm just confirming for you, because you need someone to. This isn't healthy, love. You've got to let him go. 

       & I'm not saying let him go because he's a "horrible asshole".  He's a man. They change their minds. Not as often as women, but when they change their minds, it's pretty much done. He's done with you. If he wasn't, he'd be all over you. I mean, The Men Who Like You are a Mess. At least, they should be. You are the mess here. That's not how it should be, and you very well know it. You might just not be what he's looking for. It wasn't meant to be. Sometimes, that's okay. You have to be ok with... moving on. Beyonce made the commandment way before Jay-Z did, "Thou shall move on to the next."  I need you to listen to Destiny's Child, "Hey Ladies". It's my song dedicated to you. Perhaps you'll be able to grow with this song. (It's my personal opinion that music helps heal if they're the right words.) The problem here is that you've allowed him to do you wrong and he's going to keep doing it. He's not going to change because he already knows the gravity to which he can walk over you and you'll stay around. You need to stop making yourself so available to him. 

    So what if he text you? That doesn't mean you have to text back. Since when do you respond to every text you get? If he blocked you on chat and all that, well... shit, block that nigga back. If he doesn't want to speak to you, don't speak to him. You notice how just when you stop speaking to him, he hits you back up? It's because he likes to be ignored. He likes not being able to have you. Rather, it might scare him to lose you. If you stop loving him, he's really got to search elsewhere. In that sense, men are just like women. They, too, like to have that person around who is in love with them so they can feel good about themselves. Don't be that person for him. If you want to get over him (which is a decision you literally have to make and make out-loud to yourself) you have to cut him off. Don't speak to him. 

    The Sayla V  Story: (like "C'est la vie" it's my real Alter Ego. FYI: We are ALL Ellas, but I'm  the only Sayla V, & these stories are 100% Fact.) I loved my ex. A lot. Too much even. I gave him everything. When my heart beat, I swear it sounded like his name.  I couldn't let him go. I tried everything. Everything. Everything from compromise to showing up at his door with nothing but heels and a trench coat. Everything. But nothing changed. He grew more and more distant. The contact with the little groupie bitches only multiplied. At that time, I was working on my first fashion show. I expected him to show & support. Nothin. But I stay on. Then came my college graduation. I expected him to show. Nothin. He sent me a "congratualtions" text message. "Are you here?" I texted back. "I was but I left," he replied. "You shouldn't have wasted your time," were the last words I ever said to him. I haven't spoken to him since. Because that day, at that moment, I decided he didn't deserve me. That's what you need to realize. 

     It hurt me to read that part about you feeling inadequate. You're really fucking yourself here. There is no reason for you to feel that way. Just because this one particular jerk-off doesn't see how great you are doesn't mean that someone won't someday. And yes, most men suck. (As does their sex.) It's tough to find a good one. But if you hold out and just have faith, one will come along. One of the issues though, might be that you spreading them legs a little too swiftly. Pack that up, hun. Men don't like that... not the good ones at least. If all you're looking for is sexual satisfaction, you're on the right path. If not, you need to focus on yourself. Why did things go wrong with you? What were the things he complained about? FIX THEM. If he said you needed to lose 5 lbs. Lose 10. If he thought you were messy, Clean up. Let the next guy enjoy the treasure your ex mistook for trash. & go out and buy some nice lingerie and model for yourself. (Cuz you know "Lingerie Matters".) Revel in your own beauty. Stop looking to these men to justify your greatness. If you don't see it in yourself, how do you expect someone else to see it? 

     Now, I don't know if I know you, but I already know you. Because I took out the time for you. Your scribe is very well written. I know you're an intelligent woman at the least. You're willing to compromise and look outside of yourself for the answers, hence your inquiry to me. You're willing to love. You're willing to do what it takes to keep your man. You're loyal to your heart. You don't give up on your partner. All these things are exceptional qualities that I'm sure someone will see. It didn't take me long to figure it out. The thing is, I took you as a person. & understood that you needed me. So I took the time to tend to you. & that's what a man should do: He should tend to you. And If he can't do that, you need to pack it up and move onto the next, love. Meanwhile tend to yourself. Read "Table for One, Please" to see what I mean. 

       I know you loved him. It's okay to have loved him. & it's wonderful that he made you feel like gold. Because now you know what that feels like. And a girl has no idea what that feels like until she feels it. But consider it a sample. Remember how it felt when you two were happy? Well it should feel like that all the time, even when it doesn't. People argue and people fight, but you've got to be happy beneath it all. & commitment isn't one of those things you can compromise on (I don't think.) He told you straight out that he won't give out his heart... yet you stay and fight for it. You know and you knew. Stop fighting for something he won't give you. When a man is ready to give his heart, you won't have to fight for it.  & I know you're probably wondering if he loved you... he probably did. But that doesn't mean anything anymore. He proved that much. 

You have so much life to live. It's not over, hun. Love is out there. 

Be patient. 

& love yourself in the meantime. 

  & don't be buying these niggas gifts. ESPECIALLY is he doesn't get you something FIRST.  & my personal rule is, I only spend half as much as he does. Not because I can't afford more; it's the principle of the matter.   & I apologize if the begining of this was harsh. You're a thinker, like me, & probably don't typically ask for advice. Trust me, I'm the one to ask. You wanted me to be honest. Well... this is it. In "full". Thank you for trusting me with your truths, Miss Baltimore --I dropped  the "broken" for you, k? I'm here when you need me (on my schedule, though). <3 

       

& In case you decide to rewind & play yourself over again, come back to this post as a reminder:

Yea, he did me wrong, 

But I love him so. 

I keep holdin' on

But he's got to go, He's got to go. 

Thought he was the one.

But now I don't know. 

After what he's done, 

He's got to go, he's got to go.