Dearest Love.

Ask Ella: Can you be Honest with Me?

Heyyy Ella,

How can I calm his fears? I'm not here to hurt him, I would never want to do that in a million years (not even if he hurt me worse, 10 times over) it's just not i my blood...not the way I react to things and people. 

The thing is, while I've learned to function in a perfectly normal way without him, I miss his presence in my life. Yes the attention and the chemistry, etc but ABOVE all of that...I miss his "person". I've realized that the way he had emotionally eroded me in the past is not ok, and I'm not at all condoning his behavior but I genuinely feel like I want to help him. I don't know if he would be receptive to the help, or is even aware that he needs it but he does desperately!

My friends have yelled at me for this "Mother Teresa Complex" (they like to call it), where they claim I feel the need to take on the cares, concerns, and problems of others -- but I just can't help it! Maybe I'm a giant cheeseball...but seriously, where is the love ?? Whatever happened to people helping others and just being an amazing friend. This brings me to part 2 of the question,

How can I just be his friend? We hung out very recently, in a platonic setting and I was generally interested in catching up with him, hearing about his life, sharing mine with him, etc. I didn't primp or prepare to see him, I wore gym clothes and very little make-up. He was awkward, and distant, and out of touch, and seemed uncomfortable -- then I realized (pardon my language)  he had a boner the size of TEXAS! When he caught me staring he stopped squirming and said to me "this is why we can't hang out". I stared at him blankly and he came back with: "you always come in here and seduce me".  I did no such thing !!!!!If he truly appreciated me for the "person" I am, and not me as a "sexual object" -- wouldn't he be able to be my friend? Wouldn't he value my personal qualities so much that he would ignore his physical urges and enjoy my company in a platonic way? If I can do it, why can't he? (or is he just lazy/disintererested in having me as a friend?) Am I delusional for wanting this?

Good people are hard to come by. I don't want to let this one go. He's put himself on the line a lot in the past, and gotten hurt. If he can't love me, I can accept that...I want to help heal him, but sometimes I think I really scare him...

Miss Baltimore, 

       You are wasting so much mind space.  There are things people won't say to your face because they know it'll hurt your feelings. Or you might simply not take heed and they don't want to waste their time.... So, Darling,  don't make me waste mine. I'm going to tell you this in the most forward and clear way I can: He doesn't want you. 

    He's showed you that he doesn't want you. You've tried to be there for him and he's pushed you away. You've tried to connect with him and he's blocked you off. You chase him and he runs. Granted, things might have been beautiful at one point... but baby girl, its over. At least it should be. You don't want it to be, and I know you'll have questions after this post but I feel it completely necessary to put you on pause --as your friends probably have. You don't understand. You don't see it. Even when you do see you, you throw a quilt of past positives over all the bullshit, but when you peel that bad boy back... it's clearly there. Now you can de-emphasize his carelessness all you want and claim that he needs help, but the one who needs help is you, doll. You need help seeing what you refuse to believe. He doesn't love you anymore. Not like he used to. Not how he should. 

   I really want to help you.  Yet, as I read through your second email, everything in me truly figured you were going to ask how to get over him. How to make that move. But you said yourself that you can function full well without him. So do it. You claim that he desperately needs help and that's what you want to do for him... Ok... then get him some help. Here's the Google Link to Baltimore Psychologists. I saw a woman named Denise once, off of North Charles and she was fabulous and does her job.  Jot down some numbers, email them to him, and ask him to get help. If you truly think he needs help, refer him to someone who has experience helping people. You are not qualified. People get paid to help others with their issues. 

       This is the truth you won't tell yourself: What you want is to maneuver your way into his life. You're trying to find a place. A purpose. A reason for him to need you. Well he doesn't. Not only does he not need  you, he doesn't want you. And you have to realize that. Friends are friends. They have been friends. They start off as friends. I'm unsure of any pair of "friends" that has lasted through a sexual relationship. If you know any, please let me know. But they have to be friends with absolutely no interest in each other. 

     Plain and simple, the friends shit is bullshit. I'm not going to pretend it can be done because I don't believe in it. Let me explain why:  When you guys got together, there was a sexual attraction. When you take a relationship to another level with sex, there is no going back. You are emotionally attached to him and, like I said before, just want to maintain a place in his life. So you'll be okay without the sex. He won't. Typically, men are more sexual than women are and, like it or not, sex is one of the main ways they show affection. He's attracted to you. Which is why you cannot be friends. Because at the right time, in the right place and under the right circumstances, something might happen and I highly doubt you'd have a problem with it. Especially if he gave you the "but I love you" game. Because you love him so much you'll believe anything he says. Yes, doll... you will. You're right, if he was your friend, he could look at you with no sexual attraction. And he can't. So he's not.  

     & what about the next girl? How fair is that? That you stay in his life although you have this baggage-past between you. It's not friendship. & It's not friendship because in the same email where you're asking me if you can be friends with him, you're still telling me you WANT TO BE WITH HIM. You're lying to yourself to make it work. I know that if I was the next girl, you aint hanging out with my man. #ImJustSayin The things you have to take into consideration here is that this is not fair for you, him or anyone else.  This thing this done. & if you think it's not. I think it will be. Not trying to be the "hater" friend... but this is just how I see it. 

     I'm really sorry I'm harsh... but I have no reason to waver when I tell you the truth. In your first email, you asked me to (in all caps): BE HONEST WITH ME. I fully believe every word I've written to you here and I hope you take my advice. Not because I know everything... but because I know this  situation all too well. I'm only telling you what I wish someone told me the day I took THREE buses and showed up at my ex's house --unannounced --to talk about a book. And I really did, too! I was so serious. & I felt like we didn't have to be together but since I knew how beautiful of a person he was.. then maybe... just maybe I could hold onto that part of him and get something great out of it. #DELUSIONAL. All in all... it was a great conversation. I apologized for all the wrongs and made amends.  And we even hung out after that. It wasn't until I went through his phone (while he was in the shower) and found all his conversations with other girls that I knew how much it hurt. And how much it didn't hurt him. I knew then that it'd be easier to let  him go than to watch  him go. 

     You're wasting so much time thinking about him, that --I doubt--you're thinking about you. Sometimes... your every thought revolves around a person. You get so caught up in what they are or might be doing and why they haven't called and how to fix it and make things work and how beautiful it could be if it would all just work out the way it should... that we stop considering ourselves... Who are you, hun? What do you do for fun? What makes you happy? When's the last time you spent time with your family? Friends? Parents? Siblings? What are your goals? Do yo u have any plans? How are you going to get there? When will you being moving towards them? Now seems like a good time. Put all that energy elsewhere...

    To calm his fears --which I think are truly your fears  --write him a letter. Tell him how much you love him. Tell him everything he meant to you. Tell him the things you would have done for him. Write to him of the beautiful things that could have been if he'd have just loved you the way he should have. And sign it "Goodbye." You have to end it. I know you love him and you want him to know that. This method will help you do so. You'll be able to get that off your chest. & make him aware of how pure your love is/was. But it'll also show him that he has lost that. To him, this letter should be a goodbye forever. But since I'm realistic, you can keep hoping that one day it'll be just so... I can't and won't stop you from hoping. But right now is not the time for you two. (But if he thinks it's done for good, it'l make him want you more btw.) But you've got to move on. You've got to test the waters. He aint the only nigga out there, trust me. 

       I'm not going to help you get him back if that's what you thought I could provide. Not because I don't want to help, but because what you had is not salvageable. In sum, I don't know him. So I don't care if he gets help. And while I don't technically know you... I wish you would dedicate that effort to yourself. Take yourself to dinner. Buy yourself fancy gifts. You're losing yourself babe... in a man who is going to move on. Before you know it, he'll leave with your heart and soul and they'll be nothing left.

      He's gone, doll. & I'm sorry for your loss. One thing I hope you took from writing to me is "Patience" (since this took me a while to write). But you have to be patient. In time the wounds will heal. In time the thoughts will leave your mind. In time, you'll find yourself a hobby and a boy-toy (both of which Dr. Ella recommends)... and In time, he won't matter anymore.

 In time, you'll be iight, yo ;)

XOXO


One more thing: You're a WOMAN. If anything, a man is supposed to take care of  YOU. Once you understand & accept that... things go a lot smoother.

Read  Why Is it We Never Have the Strength to Leave? for Miss Baltimore's previous question.

Ask Ella: Why is it We Never Have the Strength to Leave?

I Was Just a Girl

I was just a girl. A man didn't mean as much. Now I'm a woman, a passionate woman. Now I'm a woman. A true leading woman. Brandy - "Come As You Are"

        I've cheated on every boyfriend I have ever had. **annnnnd the judgements pour in** It's a hard fact for me to deal with. The person I was would have lied about this. I'd give the usual "Not all of them" explanation accompanied by a briefing of what they were/weren't doing that left me  guilt-free of my way. I just recently came to the terms of my actions. I think that I had even convinced myself that I wasn't a cheater. But I was. Yup. I sure was. The day I came to the realization, I txted Crystal a simple "Damn yo, I'm a cheater." She might not remember, but I remember vividly. I remember because I felt no remorse even though I knew I should have. 

      Part of the reason I was a cheater wasn't my fault. The men I was dealing with couldn't give me everything. And no matter how young I was (my young was never synonymous with dumb) I knew what I needed and what I expected. My first boyfriend, I never loved. But I was too young to understand everything that was happening and as a young girl, you equate sex and love... until you don't and it's downhill from there. The next one was broke & I had to take care of him. I lost interest. The next took care of me, but tried to control me so I needed to prove that I still belonged to myself. The last one is the most difficult for me to work out. I wanted to be his. & he wouldn't claim me. So I gave myself away. 

    The other reason is that I wasn't ready. No matter how much I tried to convince myself, I wasn't ready for it. I agree that there are differences between man and woman but it was Eve who coaxed Adam to go against the word of God. Women are just as capable of sin as men are. We're given this sense of purity that many of us don't even deserve. I'm not saying I traveled from bed to bed but each of my boyfriends was the one I was cheating on the last with. They overlapped. Part of this was because I didn't want to be alone. Like I said in "Generation Disney" a girl just wants to be wanted. It would have also sucked to be the only one out of your friends who doesn't have a boyfriend. I know that sounds dumb, but at 15, that might be the most important matter of your life. If you don't have a boyfriend, it's probably because no one wants to be your boyfriend. I mean, that's the assumption at least. 

    The reason girls lie about cheating is because numbers matter so much when it comes to us. We can't have slept with too many guys. So if I say I cheated, that means 2 guys you can count as opposed to 1. We can't be honest about anything. About our sexual experiences. Relationships, anything, because we're judged at every turn. And when you open up about one thing, people confuse it all. For example, I can guarantee you can't count mine because all my relationships overlapped and circled over each other. But when a girl gets too much attention, people think she's sleeping with everyone. 

   My friends and I used to try to get enough guys to rotate through the week. Like... wait... whats that movie where dude names girls by day of the week? (I'm seriously asking you. Please comment) lol. We thought we was Big Pimpin forreal. It was the era of Lil Kim (as usual) and Remy Ma. Beautiful thing is... you dont have  to sleep with everybody. This was the "we're talking" phase of teenage-pimpin. The only thing you have to watch out for is girls around you that get a little jealous of the ordeal. & no one says anything until they say it out loud.

 **TIP: Never give details of your dealings. Because then no one can say anything about anything. & those who try to will find themselves in the only category left: envious. For example, I once got a "crank call" from these girls (with terribly distinguishable, not sexy voices) I went to school with. They tried to pretend they were from Planned Parenthood, saying something about my "results" and Clamydia. To which I responded, "I think you called the wrong number. HER NAME HERE and I got tested together, so I know she has it. She got it from HIS NAME HERE. You should call her." And then I hung up. I was a very dont-fuck-with-me kind of girl back then. Oh & I can proudly say I've never gotten anything. Ever :) Clean as a[n unused still in the packaging] whistle.**

    Honestly, I think a lot of people lie when they claim to have never cheated. I'm not saying that monogamy is impossible, I just believe it's tough. It takes much more than a "what are we" conversation to make a person want to be with you and just you. Some girls try to force this by doing things like... having babies. But I already addressed that in "Baby(s) Don't Go". The thing with me was... I was young. When I was 15, I knew I was 15. When I was 18, I knew I was 18. I felt young and was. I felt like there was too much time left to live and too many people out there to meet. And at those ages there were. There was no concern about if he has a degree. There was no thought about raising children or maintaining a household. Men more easily fit into my standards: Tall and cute. For example, I partied at home a couple months ago and saw I guy I had been briefly involved with. He was flashing a stack and buying everybody drinks and in effort to impress. Thing is, I know where he works: The carwash across the street from the Goodwill. Which means this man was spending his whole paycheck. And if there is extra money, I know where that's coming from... and honestly, I'm not interested in having to kick into a niggas commissary. 

    I didn't need real love. I was just a girl. I was content having friends. I didn't need a man. I grew up in a house with a mother who survived on her own, showing me that a man wasn't necessary for happiness. Men did not equal happiness.  They were people to kiss and lay with and feel physical sensations you can't feel anywhere else. They were easy to dispose of. To cut ties and move on. That's why I cheated. I never connected with them on that level. 

     I had never had my heart broken. The things I did to men's hearts had never been done to me. I didn't know exactly what I was doing to them or how much they hurt, but knew that if anyone did that to me, I wouldn't be able to handle it. So I broke them to pieces. Until I saw my heart liquify and pour from my eyes day after day after day after day after day. And when I looked in the mirror, drained... I no longer recognized myself... 

That was the day I met me for the first time.  

    I sat in front of the mirror and watched myself cry. For hours. I had lost everything. My friends. My man. My innocence. My self. I sat and watched as the girl I was dripped out of me and somewhere between my tears and my thoughts I got to know myself. I made decisions and promises that day. The one promise I made for myself I refuse to break is that I will never hurt again. Even more, I will never hurt anyone again. Not like I used to. Not on purpose. Not without remorse. I won't ever put my heart on the table like I did with him. Because "When He Left Me," I experienced more pain than I've ever felt. I don't ever want to feel that again. & The man who shows me he deserves me, the one I make the commitment to won't ever have to feel that either. That, I promise. 

     I've promised to be true to everyone I get involved with from this point forward. So hopefully the next doesn't hold it against me. I mean, I was just a girl. Hopefully he'll see me for the woman I met that day in the mirror. 

My Phone Number Comes with an Expiration Date.

    Maybe I'll be here. Maybe I'll see ya around. That's the way it goes. Almost doesn't count. -Brandy "Almost Doesn't Count"

  I have a love/hate relationship with private calls. I hate them because I don't know who's calling (obviously) so I can't call that person back. But I love them because it becomes a sort of mystery. No one's number is blocked nowadays, so whoever is making the effort to block their number and call me has to be doing it for a reason. This is when you dust off the mental Rolodex and thumb through the possibilities. And they're endless aren't they? Really though, you just hope it's  _________. & you hope that they'll call back while you're there to answer all to see if you were right. I finally picked up & this is what happened:

          "Hello?"
          "Hey," says a voice I didn't recognize.
          "umm... Hi?"
...Silence...
          "Hey? umm... [Ella]?"
          "Yes.... Who is this?"
          "CJ.."
          "Ummm.... who?"
          "CJ."
...Silence... I guess he thought I hadn't heard him, but in reality, the name didn't ring not one bell.
          "CJ..."
...Silence...
          We went out a while ago?"
...Silence...
          "Tall?"
...Silence...
          "We went to the movies?"
...Silence...
          "I picked you up?"
          "Ohhh!!! Hi..." Now I knew who this fool was. I literally LOL'd as I thought, Why in the hell is he calling me? I  wouldn't call me. 
          "Hey... umm how are you?" he continued to embarrass himself.
          "I'm good."
...Silence...
          "So umm, how've you been? What have you been up to?"
          "Umm, Actually I"m at work right now so I can't talk."
          "Oh. Okay. Can I call you later? Like, tonight? Is that okay? Or tomorrow?"
          "That's fine, but I'm at work right now I really have to go."
          "So like, when... like what time? Tonight?"
          "I really don't know. I have to go."
          "Ok."

    That's who's been calling me private? *sigh*  What a disappointment. I mean... he's not the last guy who took me out. He's not even the second-to-last guy... or third-to-last guy... I mean... god.  I never wanted to talk to this kid again. Not for any particular reason except that he was one of the lamest guy's I'd ever had the burden of entertaining. The date was terrible. I mean, so terrible I forgot how terrible it was. I tried to look back in my posts to see if I had mentioned him... and low-and-behold, the date was SO BAD, I wrote the post "Worst Date Ever" when I got home. 

      Men have to know there's an expiration date on my phone number. The first reason is because you can't just call me up when you get bored. Do you really think that after months of not speaking, I'd still be interested? Really, it all depends on the chemistry between us. If we sort of... fell off, then sure.  You can call. I might even want you to call. But if you took me out on one date and couldn't get me to pick up your phone calls after that, it's expired, pal.  Secondly, as a man, you should preserve your pride. That post was written on July 27th, 2010. Which means that this Saturday will be the four month anniversary of me not liking him.

      You never get the phone call you're waiting for. The one you daydream about where he confesses that he fell in love with you, too and that you should just give it a try. He'll do anything if only you'll be his and only his. I know that only happens in the magical world of Disney but my wish to be someone's princess is so strong it's almost tangible. Day after day I live this Cinderella story and I just keep waiting and waiting for the ball. But no one ever announces the date.  No one even mentions it around me. I spend my days laboring in solitude. Hoping. Wishing.

    I was so disappointed with that phone call. When he called back at 11:15pm that night (twice), I could only feel anger. Anger that the one I want doesn't want me. Another case of "The One That Got Away," I suppose.

     How long will I sit and wait for his call? Because no matter how much I lie to myself and pretend that I don't think about him, he infiltrates my thoughts. He owns them. He walks through my mind as if he owns the place. Unlike anyone else though, I allow him to. He makes me smile in the middle of the day and doesn't know it. He soothes me to sleep during lonely nights. & When I think of him, he makes me heart beat. Now I don't really know what I'm feeling and this can be the lust you feel for any guy who's a the top of your list. If you Ellas are anything like me, the list changes in a moment's notice. I might hate him next week. It's possible. But... At least I have someone to think of, even if he's not thinking of me.

    I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love for about two months now. Simply because I have to be in the same place as she is to get through the book. I have to be able to mentally connect. I came across a part where the author and a friend are talking about soul mates (the author can't stop thinking about her ex because she thought he was "the one") which is funny because I just wrote the post "Does Everyone Get a Soul Mate?" a little over a week ago. The friend goes on to explain "people think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. A true soulmate it a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back,t he person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too Painful. Soul mates, they come into your lief just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over..." (149)

       I hate it when books speak to me. But I love when books speak to me. _________ did show me another part of myself. He showed me that I can care. That I can be faithful. That I can be trusted. That I can be a woman. He's not the only one who's shown me myself though. Maybe I was meant to meet all the men I've dealth with because I've surely learned from all of them (and they're all out of my life). Life is supposed to just happen. Maybe love is supposed to just happen, too. Maybe it's not meant to last. But we chase  it with fervor and without regard to anything else. It envelops us. Maybe I should be grateful for the little bit of time we had and not dwell on it so much... Maybe I should realize that __________'s number might have an expiration date, too.

(Then comes in the evil thoughts...)

But what if it doesn't? What if I'm wrong? What if he wants me like I want him but he's too afraid that I don't like him? What if I'm pushing him away? What if he finds someone else? What if I'm too late? But if he really liked me he would call right? So he can't like me. But he had to like me. I know he liked me because.... I just know. But what if he didn't? And I'm sitting here thinking about him while he's going about his day running up I all those sleazy girls that comment on his Facebook pictures...& they sleazy. I know because I checked each profile that wasn't private. & I know I'm not the only one who does this... i just want to make sure he doesn't... love anyone. That's there's still a chance. That maybe one day in some crazy sort of happenstance, we might run into each other and try again. That maybe he might be looking at my page too & when I put up a new profile picture, I wonder what he thinks of it.  I wonder... I wonder.... a lot. Often. Too, often.

fucckk. 

The One That Got Away.

        Some people the call me crazy for falling in love with you. They can take me and lock me away, Baby. Cuz there's nothing those bars can do. I'll  be the rising moon after the setting sun. Just to let you know you'll have someone. I'll be the clearest day when the rain is done so you'll always know. Through the shake of an earthquake I will never fall. That's how strong my love is. 

Alicia Keys- That's How Strong My Love Is. 

I still think about him. 

       I can't stop myself from comparing every guy I come across to him. When I think about the kind of guy I'm looking for, I've... honestly.. and literally just said, " I want _______." My friends will know who I'm talking about. Others will guess. Most will have no idea, and some might think I'm talking about them. But I'm pretty sure _______ doesn't read this. I mean, we aren't Facebook friends. We aren't friends at all.  I wouldn't say that we're enemies, but there is so much nothing between us. At least on my end. 

      He fit the mold. He was what I wanted. Even his imperfections were ones I thought were absolutely flawless. The funny thing about it all is... I barely knew him. & He barely knew me. But there was something about laying in his arms that was absolutely incredible. I shivered at his touch. I yearned for his kiss. Even the silence with him was perfect. But it must have all been one-sided. He probably doesn't think of me. I was probably nothing to him. I replay the times we spent together and can't help but to wince thinking  about the should haves, would haves.... could haves... I just don't know what happened. I don't know where things went wrong... but I'm kind of glad they did. 

          I don't think we would have lasted. If we went full force into what we might be meant to be, we'd have ended up crashing. I don't think I'm what he's looking for right now. But I know that I will be eventually. He's the only man I've met in so long that actually deserved my respect. And as much as I might talk about taking men for their money... I wanted nothing from him. I'd have given him my every cent. There's something about his heart.

       I think he knows how to love. 

      And that's what attracted me to him the most. I felt like if I were to give him my all, he would return it ten-fold. I've never met a man like that. I come across dozens of liars day-by-day whose only concern is to get me into bed. When I let _______ into my bed, he lay with me and needed nothing more... There was always that thought of, Will he stay around? that crowded my mind the entire time I was involved with him. And he did. For a while.  But somehow there was... and is... a part of me that would give him everything. I'd..... love him? I know that sound bizarre, but until you come across a man who truly deserves love... you might not understand. A man like that makes you want to be a woman. A man who is respected by his friends, loved by his family, and confident in himself. A man who doesn't need you. A man who is wanted by all. If a man like that chooses you, you do what you can. I've only really (honestly & openly) talked about him to one person, Katelynn. Because I knew she would just... listen. I needed to talk to someone who would listen. "Hold onto him," she said. "I'm trying..." was all I could say. 

      And there's nothing special I can tell you about him. I can't tell you about the fancy things he wears of buys or what he has because... I never truly paid attention. I just wanted to be around him. I wanted to know how his day was going. We didn't have too many in depth conversations but all I wanted was to know him. We didn't have the chance nor the opportunity to move further. To build. To make up for petty arguments. To put the past aside. To give things a chance. We didn't even talk about those things. We talked... but mostly, I was overwhelmed with his presence. And that rarely happens. 

       Because I felt like he was a good man, it made me a better woman. He might not be aware of it, but he changed me. I wanted to be the woman he wanted. That he needed. There are things you can notice about a man behind closed doors. Simply by their demeanor and more so the look in their eyes. He needed love (for more reasons than I can explain here). I knew he just needed someone to care about him. To make him feel like he was worth it. To be on someone's mind. Truthfully, there was probably someone else on him mind the entire time he and I were involved, but I didn't care. I knew he was hurting and all I wanted to do was make him...feel good. And not sexually as most women think we have to please men, but emotionally. Simply by being there. I wanted to be there for him. He rarely told me what was on his mind... but I wanted to know. I wanted to know what hurt him. What plagued him. What concerned him. I wanted to know the workings of his mind. I wanted to be the one he could talk to. I wanted to know what he was feeling. How he was doing. I never asked where he was or what he was doing... I didn't want to know any of that. I care about him. Not whoever was chasing after him. And I think that's what allowed us to last as long as we did, with the circumstances we encountered. I really just wanted to know he was doing alright... and that he had thought of me. I've never gotten a "Good Morning beautiful" text message that made me smile more than his. Everyday I wish he would send me just one more. 

      Maybe I got caught up. Maybe I'm making it out to be more than it actually was. I mean, it's really possible... But I really hope not. I really hope not. Part of the reason I don't involve myself with these men out here is because they're broke... the other part is because I really only want ________.  If he didn't or doesn't  feel the same about me, that's perfectly fine. I'm adult enough to know a lost cause and I won't spend a lifetime (or even a second) chasing him. But I know that it would be amazing if we could pick this up 5 years from now. When he realizes there aren't many real women out there.  When he remembers me. When I'll be in a place to show him I'm a woman and he'll be able to show me that he's a man. For now, we're just kids. Text messaging and AIM conversations. There's nothing much for us to do. I don't even want to speak to him until we're in a place to take it further. 

           Until then, I still play this pretend game and hold onto his pretend heart. Because if he ever does come calling, I'll be ready. If he doesn't, I'll be perfectly fine. For now I'll say I want _______, until one day when I find someone better. Until then, he's The One That Got Away from my "The Four Men; A Religion of Love" post. 

Someday.