This is Bullshit: You Made Me Do It.

Not calling you a hoe, just made a hoe decision - J. Cole "The Autograph"

     Even if I've made some ill advised choices. Even if, eventually, I couldn't be trusted. I know it wasn't all my fault.Sometimes, I use the "what he wasn't doing" excuse to justify my past actions. Still, as I fought on my own behalf,  I knew full-out the grave degree of my bullshit.

       Bullshit is one of my many talents. I know I'm not alone in the trade and so I am here to warn my fellow bullshitters of the perils that lay ahead. The danger with being a supreme bullshitter is that once you've mastered the skill, you're in danger of bullshitting yourself. This is when you start to make excuses for your actions and -even if they do hold weight -you know that you could have and should have made a better decision. The thing is, for a bullshitter it's always easy to justify wrong actions. You just go down the list of the wrongs that have been done to you. Simple as that. You put the blame somewhere. The reason this works is because your ammo is nothing but the truth.  

       I've told you all before that I'm a recovering cheater. But, that was all because "I Was Just a Girl." I've found the the easiest way for me to avoid cheating was, essentially, to avoid commitment.  The theory behind it was that, if I wasn't his girlfriend, it wasn't cheating.  This is Bullshit. This is the exact thing I'm referring to. I knew it was disrespectful. I knew it was wrong. Still, there was a part of me that needed  to. For whatever reason. I mean, it's true that I wasn't being satisfied. It was true that I was unhappy. And it was true that these things led me to be unfaithful and, therefore, unworthy of trust. 

       Even men are so kind as to give us this benefit. I've heard it more from men than I have from women, the saying about, "he must not be A, B or C and that's why she's cheating". You allow us this luxury. There was a time (and it's still that time in some places) where women would be stoned and beaten to death for infidelity. Now, I'm not saying that's right, but I'm saying that it probably prevented a lotta "hoe decisions".  Just think of how American women are perceived around the globe... highly sexualized to say the least. & Black women even more so. While it's easy to justify when you do something wrong... ever notice how much harder it is to do something right? Being faithful takes a lot of will power. Last night, I had my first test; my first doubts with You. You see... I've been trying to figure a way to put this because... well, I never know when/what You might read.

       Plain & simple... I sent an email to Him. Not even texted. I conned my way into a lunch date. The "bullshit" is because.. You aint around & a girl sometimes needs company. The truth is, I'm in the market for a pair of Louboutins, and if I can get him to kick in even a little bit... that'd be clutch. Judge me if you want, I know that's wrong... but here's the honest part of it all: I Like You. But I also like nice things. I know You isn't going to give me what I need/want when it comes to material things, at least not right now. & He's not a sucker. I probably wouldn't be able to if I tried. Him, though... I can get Him and I'm currently trying to decide how wrong it is to play a man who's trying to buy his way into panties he's never even seen. The closest he's gotten into bed with me was when I was looking for a mattress at Macy's. The most alluring part about Him is that the game we play is perfect. He buys me things because he thinks I'm impressed, but also plays the nice guy role. So meanwhile, he spends the bread and says it's not because he's trying to get into my pants. The truth is, he dug himself a hole. You can't expect me to let that go. 

       Buutt.... You won again. We don't speak much... but when we do, I enjoy it in its simplicity. So after our super-cute Skype date I made up my mind to cancel on my lunch date. Luckily, it was the day of the Women's Fall 2011 show at work, so I used that excuse to my advantage.. but here's the kicker --He reeled me back in. He wants me to go shopping with him. I love shopping & he knows it. We emailed a bit more back & forth at work until he asked "Can I call you later." I never responded. I didn't want to talk on the phone with him. You & I had a conversation about why I don't Skype people... I just don't want to see everyone's face. & honestly... I really don't like Him's voice. It has this... nerdy undertone that kills me. I need a man to sound like a man... You sounds like a man... & he suuure looks like one :) 

        So I was in the middle of taking Dirty Pictures when my phone rang. I looked at it & kept it movin'. Maybe it's just me... but if a woman doesn't "ok" you to call, you shouldn't call. Unless you already have a place. Him does not have a  place & if he thinks he does, he is sadly mistaken. (Besides, I'd much rather text. It's easier to pretend I'm interested in scribe. If we talk on the phone, it might give away that I'm using him. & In person, I'm too concerned with where we're eating/going/shopping to pay attention to him. I only pay enough attention to watch where his hands are.) When I was finished with my impromptu photo shoot (which I'm turning to a game we play... maybe I'll give you guys the details later. I've got to test it out first & see how You likes it.) I picked up the phone and began to return the call. It rang once & I hung up. 

        This was big for me.  & bigger for You, even if he doesn't know it. When I hung up, it was the thought of You in my mind that made me do it. I literally thought, "He doesn't deserve that." That was big. Because... I mean, you all know me.... I really... don't give a shit. I'm single. I'm happy. I'm not owned by anyone & the only person who put decent rings on my fingers is my mommy. (Diamonds, Rubies & Emeralds, I was a spoiled little girl. The man who proposes to me better make a STATEMENT.) Anyways... I didn't call back. I actually attempted to initiate my game, "What Color are My Panties?" instead but ended up falling alseep. (#Fail)

        But... As soon as I put that phone down, and had that thought of You, I felt fear. For the first time in a while I felt actual fear... and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know exactly where it stemmed from. So I wrote down my feelings... I've begun keeping a diary (say what you want, but it's a Moleskin notebook and exceptionally Dope) where I can write the things I think & can't backspace. My truest truths where I don't have to worry about who's reading it --I figure I'll publish & sell it one day. Anyway, at the end of my reasoning.. I wrote this:

"What if I let him in and he hurts me? Is that a chance I'm willing to take?"

This is when people start to close up. When you turn back and say... it's not going to happen to me again. but this is also where we go wrong. Where we fail to give the other person what they need and deserve: Truth. We pretend everything is all right, all the while stacking brick upon brick, building up our walls.  In the end, you can't see each other at all --not who you are and definitely not who you used to be. I'm opening up my heart (& closing my legs) for 3 reasons:  1. For You, because he's given me no reason to shut down. & if I can stay open with him, perhaps he'll feel that and do the same. B: For myself. Because I deserve to be happiness. & To be admired for my person aside from my body. Third. For all my Ellas: Because we are far too angry. Far too hurt. Far too unwilling to forgive but in the end it hurts us more than it does anyone else. I'll be the first to take this leap of faith & we'll see how it turns out. I'll do the scary stuff for you. If it works, you can choose to follow the steps. If it doesn't... Well... learn from my mistakes. 

Moral of the Story: No more hoe decisions, Ladies.

Don't do as someone says if what they say isn't what they do. 

[un]Fortunately, I live this. 

 Wish me luck.