A Lesson in Diamonds.

Rumor's you on the verge of a new merge cuz that rock on your finger is like a tumor. You can't fit your hand in your new purse. Beyonce ft. Jay-Z, "Upgrade You"

    How much should a man spend, you ask? As much as he can really. When it comes to diamonds & engagement rings, a man should be spending 15% of what he makes in a year. Where'd I get that figure? I mean...common courtesy. Think of it as a tip. I figure, the better a woman I am, the better a tip I deserve. I'm shooting for 18% because I have excellent customer service skills. That's why I don't want a ring until he's really ready. Emotionally and financially. I already did my math, my man needs to make at $66,666.67 a year (divide how much you want your ring to cost by 0.15). Yup. Because I want my ring be by $10,000 or more. If your mouth dropped, you've obviously never looked at diamonds before. I'll explain the figure soon. As for his salary requirement, In New York, I don't think that's too much to ask. I mean, I don't plan on marrying for a couple years, giving "Him" the time to get his degree, that advance and the dream job he's been talking about. We'll do it, baby. Teamwork! ;)

For this post, I thought I'd share my ideas on my absolute favorite things: Diamonds. 

     A Lesson in Diamonds. 

Courtesy of Ella's Thoughts

     I want 1 WHOLE stone. Well.. I'll take as many WHOLE stones as he wants to give me but I want each one of them whole. Not 5 or 6 little stones glued together in a setting to pretend it's one rock. You know this is the deal when the # of carats is followed by "tw," total weight. Diamonds, pressed stone, have to be naturally made the earth, small stones have been interrupted in their process. Whole stones have been forming for longer, therefore they cost more. So, with that said. I want

       I want a $10,000+ ring. Yes. I do. If you ladies have done your research, you should know that 1carat will run about $9,000... Well, at Tiffany's it does at least. (Wait, Zales' is on the pricey end, too. Kay comes in at about half the price.) But I just like I want a whole stone, can I get a whole carat, too, please? Eff what you've heard. Size matters. Picture this: Me and the bar with my girls. Your cheap ring on my finger. When a man comes up to me, I'm going to ask him, "Can you do better than this?" The more likely he says yes, the more likely that ring sicks. I refuse to be embarrassed. On the same topic, my sister has a preeettttyyy nice ring. I can't go home with this grain of sand and show it to her. Every time we hold up wine glasses for a toast I'll be embarrassed.I would have to tell her not to wear her ring to my wedding. I mean... I'm just sayin. I don't think men understand the residual effects of a stupid ring.

     New York seems to have a saying: Location, Location, Location. And I mean... I'm not saying that where you buy the stone matters to everyone... but it does to me. I want to know where my ring came from so I can brag about it. ("Him" said he would want me to brag. We seem to be on the same page so far.) Keep in mind that I'm only asking for Tiffany's a highly commercialized jeweler. I could direct him to Cartier or Van Cleef & Arpels but I'm only being a mild label whore.

     Clarity Part 1: The stone should be clear. Ever notice that some diamonds are clearer than others? Yea.. that matters. The more flawless (no cracks in the middle of the stone) the more valuable the stone. You can get a big stone and the joint just be fuzzy as hell. Diamonds should be clear... like ice! (I wish I had a picture of my sister's ring.) How perfectly frozen cubes of ice are practically see-through? Rappers know about ice, man.

     Clarity Part 2: Clear in your expectations. I plan on taking "Him" to Tiffany's. Just to browse. I want to see how he reacts at the sight of Diamonds and even more so at their prices. This way, we're both on the same page of what I'd be expecting. I don't want to have to say no. I already told "Him" that I would say "Yes, but not with this ring," if it wasn't what I wanted. To this, "Him" responded, "I'd just get you the biggest one so you won't talk shit."

 My kinda man :) More importantly, my kinda ring!

      Cut: The cut of your stone is really up to you. I like the emerald cut because it makes the stone look the biggest. That's my whole reason.

       Base: DO NOT BE FOOLED. Sometimes, the diamond is put on this makeshift pedestal that raises it off your finger, giving the illusion of size but there's nothing but air between your finger and that stone. I need my stone places directly on that band so I know exactly how big it is. Don't play me. 

      Last but not least: Don't settle for less than you deserve. If you want a certain ring. Get that kind of ring. But don't ask for 10 carats if you're not really worth it. I've looked into 10 carats before and had someone say that the guy I was dating would never get that for me. What we failed to explain further was if I wouldn't be getting that ring from him because I didn't deserve it or because he couldn't afford it. Figures we're not dating anymore and the deep seeded reason is because he was cheap. I know I'm not going to get a 10 carat ring. At $10,000 a carat, that's a $100,000 ring that man would need to make 10x more than my fantasy boo. I don't know men you make $666,666.67 a year (I'm sure lookin for them though! So much so that I have this calculator out on my desk for no reason other than to gauge my future husband's salary).  If you're the type of girl who can settle for a ring she doesn't like, I applaud you. You 1000000000x the woman I am. I'm not a good or humble person and I've come to accept that. I think that's what makes me a great person. I also know that I'll have a great ring.

     But hey! Ella's not engaged! Did that cross your mind? I'm not engaged because for a couple reasons. First and foremost, I have yet to meet a man who can afford me. I was proposed to once. I was 15 and it was the first time a boy bought me diamonds. But the ring was stupid. So I told my mom I found it and traded her for hers (which was bigger). But it was a diamond. And my mom still wears it. So Ella was engaged. Loonngg ago. lol. (My trek with men started off pretty seriously, pretty early. Bad for me, awesome for this blog)  Anywhoo... I'm not looking to get married until I meet a grown man who can have a grown conversation about taking grown folks steps in a grown folks relationship and spend some grown man paper on a grown woman ring. I'll let you all know when I meet 'em.

Besides. I'd rather have no ring than a stupid ring.

FYI: I'm no jeweler... but I LOVE Diamonds. It's my birthstone ya know :) So when I ask for jewelry I say "All I want is my birthstone in it." "What's that?" he'll say? "Diamonds," I respond --always with a smile. Shout Out to the Aries' out there!! 

& That, folks, is my lesson in Diamonds :)

Ella's Work-Out Plan.

Hit the gym. Step on the scale. Stare at the number. You say you dropping ten pounds, preparing for summer. You don't do it for the men. Men never notice. You just do it for yourself. You the fuckin' coldest.  Drake, "Fancy"

"I like a girl who... has a nice ass and a nice stomach," he said. 

      Whenever a guy lists out the things he "likes" in a girl, I tend to mentally check these things off my mental "got that" list. I guess that leaves me with a check & a half on his list. Or maybe two half-checks? It's so hard to rate yourself on someone else's scale. What does he mean by that? I do I need a god-damned six pack? And how much jiggle is acceptable back there? I mean... I can't even see back there to know if I can get a full check. What is he not saying? Better yet, what is he changing to suit me? For example, guys like to take on the challenge of ascribing themselves a particular label: Ass Man or Breast Man? Either guys are pinpointing my A cups or there are really no guys out there who like breasts. Does a man ever tell the truth about what he likes? To your face? This most recent guy told me that he didn't really like breasts, to which i responded, "Bullshit. Even I like breasts." 

      Men like it all. If there were a prototype for the type of woman a man likes, she'd have a small waist, big ass, big breasts, long hair, toned all over... Ok... here's a better explanation. Men either like Barbie, or Barbie with more ass. (Skin tone is another issue I won't get into... if that crossed your mind, read my other posts: "Oh, So You Don't Like Black Girls"? and/or "Black Barbie: The Baddest Barbie in the World".) 

      Here's what I've learned: There are things about me that aren't perfect. And when a man tells me that I'm exactly what he wants, I know that he's making concessions for me. And while It's greatly appreciated, I'm not naive enough to believe that the woman of any man's (literal) dreams is an A-cup. --Although I think an ass is unquestionably more important than breasts when it comes to a woman's silhouette -- At the same rate, I'm not going to change myself for any man. Luckily, I want to have a flatter stomach. 

      Don't change yourself for a man. Do it for you. The other night, when I got stood up (read, "Table for One, Please,") I didn't care for the reasons I outlined in that post and one reason in addition: I looked so effin good. Pardon if I sound self-absorbed or am giving off a cocky vibe but... I enjoyed my own company. In that post, I talked about dating myself... and you know what? I would. If I were a guy, I would date me. I would look at me walking down the street. I would probably also turn to look at my ass as I walked by. "Him" and I have a common argument about my moving to Harlem because there are a lot ( A LOT) of brothas out there who may (like they haven't already) approach me at any given time to try their hand. My response to him? I like the attention. 

     I'm an attention whore. I like to be looked at. The only thing I like more than being followed by men is turning them down. Now, this is truth. I've pretended in the past that I didn't like the attention. And trust me, I used to feel more "fuck niggas"... but you know what? I also wasn't getting the attention I wanted. FACT: Women who are constantly getting played by men are the most angry at men. Women who cant get men, are the ones who hate men.  Anger is not the solution. The answer is to look better than you ever have. To improve yourself, for yourself. Not for any man. I run on the treadmill for an hour only because when I look in the mirror, I want to be happy with what I see. I want to walk out of my door with my head held high. 

   "Don't be a nickle out here looking for a dime," said Lyfe Jennings in his song Statistics.  Sometimes, we women are out here asking for a man to be rich, in shape and salaried. But we are none of those things. For myself, I want a man who is in shape. So I work out. I want a man who dresses well, so I spend some serious change and earn my miles at Macy's. I need him to make money... so everyday I go to work and plot my way to the top. I need my man to have that same ambition. And, deny it if you'd like, but physical matters.  I watched an episode of House once where Hugh Laurie's character said "sixes marry sixes. Tens marry tens." Trey Songz (My dream boo) is going to marry a gorgeous girl because he's gorgeous. I'm not quite on his level so... while I fantasize, I know the truth. Hot women get hot men. I want to be hot! Maybe that's why when some men approach me, I think to myself, Seriously? Like.. Really?  (Don't judge me. Y'all do the same thing.) I know I'm not a 10 but I'm also not a 1. I know this because I've seen girls uglier than me. So  simple mathematical theory proves I can't be a 1.

TIP** For a quick self-esteem boost, think of all the people uglier than you. This is pretty "Mean Girls"... but it  does work & it's a guaranteed laugh lol. Well... I'm laughin. *Kanye Shrug*

      I DO NOT condone any woman putting in any kind of work for a broke man. In sum, you gotta get yourself right for yourself. But if you do do it for someone else, let him be worth it.  When I work out, I turn to a page like the one you see in the picture above. A man doesn't motivate me as much as Van Cleef &Arpels' Diamonds but... nothing motivates me more than a man who'll buy me diamonds :) So "Him" wants to work out with me and help me find a meal plan so that we can work on my tummy. I'm all for it. He used to be a trainer sooo...It's like... a free trainer. I WANT A TRAINER!! and I LOVEE FREE!!! (You know I like to pretend to be important, y'all.) But "Him" also takes me shopping and he's initiated the conversations about diamonds with no nudging on my end... so whatever he wants, man. If he ends up being a lame... at least I'll get a flat stomach out of the deal. 

Oh...And what's most importantly... is I aint gotta fuck with [I'll spare him out of kindness] broke ass no mo'.  GET IT! :)