Lonely or in Love?

      

    "Don't sit around and wait," he said.

         I glanced around the room and watched everyone pretend they weren't waiting for my response. No eye contact means you can't read whether or not they agree. They were half pretending not to be in the conversation at all --and justifiably so. When someone asks you a question, it's rarely because they need an answer, they simply want to know what you think. When I ask a question, it's so that I can understand the world's expectations in order to surpass them. You see, my love life is in perfect shambles, and I'm trying to figure out how to keep it that way: Mine.

         I rarely ask questions because, when I do, people rarely know how to respond. Regardless of whether or not I agree, all I want is the truth. I suppose I only ask questions to see who has the gall to lie to my face. All the answers I need, I already have. Life, to me, is a science. Everything that happens is merely additional proof of the theories I already hold. I'm often correct, #AskAboutMe.  It has nothing to do with people in particular, nor with feeling like I'm above anyone, it's just that people don't know how to communicate. The worst conversations to have are secret arguments - when the parties involved aren't trying to resolve anything, just listening for reason to cut the other person's throat. Why is everyone is on the defensive?

I guess there really ain't no love in the city --mostly because there's no heart.

Say Less, Mean More.

  When Henry got pinched for the first time, Pauly told him,  "You learned two important lessons today: 

1. Never rat on your friends. 

2. Always keep your fuckin' mouth shut."

          Goodfellas might be my favorite movie of all time. I learn something new every time I watch it. With each time, I hear somebody say some more epic shit I should base my life on. So... with these two new lessons imprinted in my mind, I've decided to quit Facebook. I know, I know... you think I'll be back. And I might, to send a message or two, but it's about 99% official. I think I've come down with mild agoraphobia. Either, I've just found out what my problem is or my hypochondriac ways have found me another scapegoat for the reason behind everything I do: I don't like people. Which is funny because you'd think I'm the friendliest person in the world. The truth is, I know more than a lot of people. That's not conceit, it's real rap. Some people think this makes me feel like I'm better than a lot of people --and sometimes I find myself diplomatically debating whether or not this is true. 

30 Minutes of Truth

11:25pm

Let's see what I can do in this short amount of time. So much more than they think I'm capable of, I guarantee. That's usually the case, anyway. The thing about me is, I work best under pressure in a room full of strangers. You see, it's easier to take out people you've never seen before. Faces you can't put feelings to. Everyday I go to work, I feel like I'm ready for battle. I have to look better, dress better, think better work better. & work with some talented individuals. It's funny how people fail to see brilliance when you have too much character. They think the quiet girl in the class is the smart one, but really she just doesn't know what the fuck is going on. I was always talking. My work been done, Miss. If you don't give me work, I'll find something to do. It may make a mess, but I'm certain it's a brilliant one. Sometimes, my best prose is when I'm only partially here. So I only partially exist in your world. People require far too much. I can only be in conversation for so long before I start thinking of the other shit I have to think of. There's no time to waste. There is shit to be done. I worked 9:30am - 8:30pm on Thursday and Friday. (Obviously, I'm a fuckin' party animal.) Then, it seems I lost out on quality time because I work too late. That also translates to I make too much money. & If I don't now, I certainly will someday. I apologize if I've disappeared again but, when money calls I come running. When it's time to finish the race, I make sure I'm at the front of the line. 

Resurrecting the Golden Rule.

      

        The toughest thing about being becoming a better person is when people notice. You'd think they'd applaud you but just because you've grown doesn't mean that those around you have. but if you've really grown, you understand that not everyone grows at the same rate. I had a conversation with Katelynn this weekend about people & their thoughts. There are times when I wonder what people think of me, I won't lie, but I don't concern myself too much with it because I know that I am genuinely a good person. I try my hardest to be the best friend/daughter/sister/woman I can be all the while taking my flaws into great consideration. I'm not trying to be a "better" person because I think I'm "better" than others, but because I know that I can be. I've made mistakes in the past. The only thing I'm better than is to make them again. 

        By "better" I don't mean wearing nicer things or making more money (although those are very high on my list) I mean "better" in the choices I make. I used to do the wrong things because I "didn't give a fuck" but in reality, it was just because I was young... & dumb. It wasn't that I didn't give a fuck about what I was doing, it was that I didn't give a fuck enough about myself to stop and consider right vs wrong. "What makes you think you're better than everyone else and that you have a right to say what people shouldn't do?" I was asked. "It's not that I'm better," I explained, "It's that you know what's right and what's wrong." I never thought that my morality would become a conflict --I assumed that making good choices and trying to conduct myself with respect would earn me respect. But... I suppose one of the things I'm still trying to learn is that assumptions only get you half-way to where you thought they would. This past weekend, I earned respect from some while I felt disrespected by others. But you know, you win some, you lose some.  You can't please everyone all the time. (Another lesson I'm trying to take into consideration more often.)