Dirty Little Secrets

Harper's Bazaar, Nov 2011

       

      Truth is, it isn't all perfect. I tell xxxxxxxx that he is because he is aside from his humanity. At least he tells the truth. At least I think so. At least for now. I try to control my thoughts --it's far to easy to lose them in a heated debate with my conscience. The issue isn't the things I don't know, rather those which I do. I know that I've begun to question him in areas I once felt were safe. And I know that the answer to the text message I sent him 2 hours ago will probably illicit a response along the lines of "my phone was dead," or something similar. Even when people love you, how much of what they say can you trust? How much should you even expect to?

Happy Holidays, B*****s

Smile. That's all it really takes, forreal. I sometimes sit back and wonder what makes people so angry, but removed from the situation, it's easy enough to see why.

I live for life. Simply because I have one. I'm not sure exactly what I'm working towards but I'm fully aware of the multiple commas in the total. Life ain't easy. & it sure ain't cheap --not of you want to live right. Not if you want things to be a little easier.If money buys anything, it's convenience. truth be told, I'm a little pissed off I wasn't offered a ride to the bus this morning. But instead of complaining, I understand the the simple solution is to get a vehicle of my own. I refuse to complain. I refuse to sit and consider what someone ELSE should be doing for me because (lease believe) when the that check comes in, it'll be addressed to me & me only.

I've just caught myself falling again. I'm luck I was here. I'm grateful I pay attaention because the moment I begin to feel like "this is it," they fuck up & i'm stuck convincing myself he doesn't know any better. & I know that he doesn't. Still, I don't have the time to teach a man EVERYTHING. I can't hold your hand through everything. Either this is right,or it's not, but we need to figure it out now. & until we do,I keep the key to my heart around my neck. I've changed the locks. This is no spare. I don't have any children, and I'm thankful for it. Not because I don't see the beauty in children, but when I feel I'm giving myself too much to someone, I step back and reevaluate -the shit is new to me. I'm the only person who really matters in my life. I'm the one who has to get me where I need to be. So how can I possibly continue to concern myself with things/people outside of that?

Resurrecting the Golden Rule.

      

        The toughest thing about being becoming a better person is when people notice. You'd think they'd applaud you but just because you've grown doesn't mean that those around you have. but if you've really grown, you understand that not everyone grows at the same rate. I had a conversation with Katelynn this weekend about people & their thoughts. There are times when I wonder what people think of me, I won't lie, but I don't concern myself too much with it because I know that I am genuinely a good person. I try my hardest to be the best friend/daughter/sister/woman I can be all the while taking my flaws into great consideration. I'm not trying to be a "better" person because I think I'm "better" than others, but because I know that I can be. I've made mistakes in the past. The only thing I'm better than is to make them again. 

        By "better" I don't mean wearing nicer things or making more money (although those are very high on my list) I mean "better" in the choices I make. I used to do the wrong things because I "didn't give a fuck" but in reality, it was just because I was young... & dumb. It wasn't that I didn't give a fuck about what I was doing, it was that I didn't give a fuck enough about myself to stop and consider right vs wrong. "What makes you think you're better than everyone else and that you have a right to say what people shouldn't do?" I was asked. "It's not that I'm better," I explained, "It's that you know what's right and what's wrong." I never thought that my morality would become a conflict --I assumed that making good choices and trying to conduct myself with respect would earn me respect. But... I suppose one of the things I'm still trying to learn is that assumptions only get you half-way to where you thought they would. This past weekend, I earned respect from some while I felt disrespected by others. But you know, you win some, you lose some.  You can't please everyone all the time. (Another lesson I'm trying to take into consideration more often.)