Ask Ella: Can you be Honest with Me?

Heyyy Ella,

How can I calm his fears? I'm not here to hurt him, I would never want to do that in a million years (not even if he hurt me worse, 10 times over) it's just not i my blood...not the way I react to things and people. 

The thing is, while I've learned to function in a perfectly normal way without him, I miss his presence in my life. Yes the attention and the chemistry, etc but ABOVE all of that...I miss his "person". I've realized that the way he had emotionally eroded me in the past is not ok, and I'm not at all condoning his behavior but I genuinely feel like I want to help him. I don't know if he would be receptive to the help, or is even aware that he needs it but he does desperately!

My friends have yelled at me for this "Mother Teresa Complex" (they like to call it), where they claim I feel the need to take on the cares, concerns, and problems of others -- but I just can't help it! Maybe I'm a giant cheeseball...but seriously, where is the love ?? Whatever happened to people helping others and just being an amazing friend. This brings me to part 2 of the question,

How can I just be his friend? We hung out very recently, in a platonic setting and I was generally interested in catching up with him, hearing about his life, sharing mine with him, etc. I didn't primp or prepare to see him, I wore gym clothes and very little make-up. He was awkward, and distant, and out of touch, and seemed uncomfortable -- then I realized (pardon my language)  he had a boner the size of TEXAS! When he caught me staring he stopped squirming and said to me "this is why we can't hang out". I stared at him blankly and he came back with: "you always come in here and seduce me".  I did no such thing !!!!!If he truly appreciated me for the "person" I am, and not me as a "sexual object" -- wouldn't he be able to be my friend? Wouldn't he value my personal qualities so much that he would ignore his physical urges and enjoy my company in a platonic way? If I can do it, why can't he? (or is he just lazy/disintererested in having me as a friend?) Am I delusional for wanting this?

Good people are hard to come by. I don't want to let this one go. He's put himself on the line a lot in the past, and gotten hurt. If he can't love me, I can accept that...I want to help heal him, but sometimes I think I really scare him...

Miss Baltimore, 

       You are wasting so much mind space.  There are things people won't say to your face because they know it'll hurt your feelings. Or you might simply not take heed and they don't want to waste their time.... So, Darling,  don't make me waste mine. I'm going to tell you this in the most forward and clear way I can: He doesn't want you. 

    He's showed you that he doesn't want you. You've tried to be there for him and he's pushed you away. You've tried to connect with him and he's blocked you off. You chase him and he runs. Granted, things might have been beautiful at one point... but baby girl, its over. At least it should be. You don't want it to be, and I know you'll have questions after this post but I feel it completely necessary to put you on pause --as your friends probably have. You don't understand. You don't see it. Even when you do see you, you throw a quilt of past positives over all the bullshit, but when you peel that bad boy back... it's clearly there. Now you can de-emphasize his carelessness all you want and claim that he needs help, but the one who needs help is you, doll. You need help seeing what you refuse to believe. He doesn't love you anymore. Not like he used to. Not how he should. 

   I really want to help you.  Yet, as I read through your second email, everything in me truly figured you were going to ask how to get over him. How to make that move. But you said yourself that you can function full well without him. So do it. You claim that he desperately needs help and that's what you want to do for him... Ok... then get him some help. Here's the Google Link to Baltimore Psychologists. I saw a woman named Denise once, off of North Charles and she was fabulous and does her job.  Jot down some numbers, email them to him, and ask him to get help. If you truly think he needs help, refer him to someone who has experience helping people. You are not qualified. People get paid to help others with their issues. 

       This is the truth you won't tell yourself: What you want is to maneuver your way into his life. You're trying to find a place. A purpose. A reason for him to need you. Well he doesn't. Not only does he not need  you, he doesn't want you. And you have to realize that. Friends are friends. They have been friends. They start off as friends. I'm unsure of any pair of "friends" that has lasted through a sexual relationship. If you know any, please let me know. But they have to be friends with absolutely no interest in each other. 

     Plain and simple, the friends shit is bullshit. I'm not going to pretend it can be done because I don't believe in it. Let me explain why:  When you guys got together, there was a sexual attraction. When you take a relationship to another level with sex, there is no going back. You are emotionally attached to him and, like I said before, just want to maintain a place in his life. So you'll be okay without the sex. He won't. Typically, men are more sexual than women are and, like it or not, sex is one of the main ways they show affection. He's attracted to you. Which is why you cannot be friends. Because at the right time, in the right place and under the right circumstances, something might happen and I highly doubt you'd have a problem with it. Especially if he gave you the "but I love you" game. Because you love him so much you'll believe anything he says. Yes, doll... you will. You're right, if he was your friend, he could look at you with no sexual attraction. And he can't. So he's not.  

     & what about the next girl? How fair is that? That you stay in his life although you have this baggage-past between you. It's not friendship. & It's not friendship because in the same email where you're asking me if you can be friends with him, you're still telling me you WANT TO BE WITH HIM. You're lying to yourself to make it work. I know that if I was the next girl, you aint hanging out with my man. #ImJustSayin The things you have to take into consideration here is that this is not fair for you, him or anyone else.  This thing this done. & if you think it's not. I think it will be. Not trying to be the "hater" friend... but this is just how I see it. 

     I'm really sorry I'm harsh... but I have no reason to waver when I tell you the truth. In your first email, you asked me to (in all caps): BE HONEST WITH ME. I fully believe every word I've written to you here and I hope you take my advice. Not because I know everything... but because I know this  situation all too well. I'm only telling you what I wish someone told me the day I took THREE buses and showed up at my ex's house --unannounced --to talk about a book. And I really did, too! I was so serious. & I felt like we didn't have to be together but since I knew how beautiful of a person he was.. then maybe... just maybe I could hold onto that part of him and get something great out of it. #DELUSIONAL. All in all... it was a great conversation. I apologized for all the wrongs and made amends.  And we even hung out after that. It wasn't until I went through his phone (while he was in the shower) and found all his conversations with other girls that I knew how much it hurt. And how much it didn't hurt him. I knew then that it'd be easier to let  him go than to watch  him go. 

     You're wasting so much time thinking about him, that --I doubt--you're thinking about you. Sometimes... your every thought revolves around a person. You get so caught up in what they are or might be doing and why they haven't called and how to fix it and make things work and how beautiful it could be if it would all just work out the way it should... that we stop considering ourselves... Who are you, hun? What do you do for fun? What makes you happy? When's the last time you spent time with your family? Friends? Parents? Siblings? What are your goals? Do yo u have any plans? How are you going to get there? When will you being moving towards them? Now seems like a good time. Put all that energy elsewhere...

    To calm his fears --which I think are truly your fears  --write him a letter. Tell him how much you love him. Tell him everything he meant to you. Tell him the things you would have done for him. Write to him of the beautiful things that could have been if he'd have just loved you the way he should have. And sign it "Goodbye." You have to end it. I know you love him and you want him to know that. This method will help you do so. You'll be able to get that off your chest. & make him aware of how pure your love is/was. But it'll also show him that he has lost that. To him, this letter should be a goodbye forever. But since I'm realistic, you can keep hoping that one day it'll be just so... I can't and won't stop you from hoping. But right now is not the time for you two. (But if he thinks it's done for good, it'l make him want you more btw.) But you've got to move on. You've got to test the waters. He aint the only nigga out there, trust me. 

       I'm not going to help you get him back if that's what you thought I could provide. Not because I don't want to help, but because what you had is not salvageable. In sum, I don't know him. So I don't care if he gets help. And while I don't technically know you... I wish you would dedicate that effort to yourself. Take yourself to dinner. Buy yourself fancy gifts. You're losing yourself babe... in a man who is going to move on. Before you know it, he'll leave with your heart and soul and they'll be nothing left.

      He's gone, doll. & I'm sorry for your loss. One thing I hope you took from writing to me is "Patience" (since this took me a while to write). But you have to be patient. In time the wounds will heal. In time the thoughts will leave your mind. In time, you'll find yourself a hobby and a boy-toy (both of which Dr. Ella recommends)... and In time, he won't matter anymore.

 In time, you'll be iight, yo ;)

XOXO


One more thing: You're a WOMAN. If anything, a man is supposed to take care of  YOU. Once you understand & accept that... things go a lot smoother.

Read  Why Is it We Never Have the Strength to Leave? for Miss Baltimore's previous question.