So Appalling.

     

Fuckin' insane. What the fuck am I sayin? - Jay-Z in "So Appalled"

    I must admit, there at times when I think about the things I've written and whisper a damn to myself. I am direct. I am opinionated. I am strong spoken. And worst of all, I have a venue to share my views. That's always dangerous. 

     When you share your point of view, you're always at risk of alienating yourself from people you were once close to. I have opinions I've never shared with my closest friends. Partially out of fear and partially because the topic just doesn't come up. I'd say that probably the most nerve-wracking article for me to publish thus far was the one before this one, "Perfect Timing", where I discuss my views on parenting, my hopes, my wishes, my fears. Yet, there is a part of the preceding sentence that many overlook. We all have hopes. We all have wishes. We all have fears. But mine are mine. 

    I thought about deleting the post. Because I am one of the few people I know who doesn't have a kid by now. I might offend some of the people I care for the most. My cousin asked me today if I had any new blogs. I didn't answer. He is the father of two beautiful children and another on the way. When he asked me, what I wrote hurt me. Again for the honest truth, part of me is writing this because I fear his reaction, along with many others when they read that post. But part of me needs to clarify for myself. 

    When I talk about me, I say whatever comes to mind. Whatever I'm feeling at the time. I say what I think is right and wrong, but I always know that the only person who can live my life is me and I have no control over the lives of others. I wouldn't even want it that way. 

    I love people. For anyone who knew me throughout high school, I lead our diversity group with fervor, and while my focus was on students of color, I always tried to maintain equality amongst all under represented and misunderstood groups. Even if it was all bullshit when it was written, all people are indeed created equal.  

    But the same way I let others make their decisions and try not to chastise them, I hope my readers can do the same for me. I speak in generalizations because it's the easiest way to write free verse, but I always speak for myself. Some people might just be getting familiar with this blog but I encourage you to read the intro piece, "Ella Who?" for a better understanding of what this blog is about. 

     I'll apologize ahead of time to those I have offended or might offend, but I can only guarantee you more offenses. I speak for myself. You don't have to agree with it all. But for me to be silenced because of what others might think is like a "shy stripper. Shit just ain't gon' never work." (Nelly - "Greed, Hate, Envy") I can't curb myself for you. I'm sorry. I have to be true to myself. I encourage you all to do the same. If you agree, let me know. If you disagree, let me know more. That is where conversation happens. Yes, I love clothes, but I also have a mind that functions fairly well and am always up for conversation. Political debate is my forte. 

    I'm not God. I express my opinions but my word is far from the end all be all. I can give advice but I'm not certified in a god damned thing. If you chose to judge me off of one post, or think that I now judge you, you are mistaken. There is only one true God --Yourself. You make your decisions with as much meaning and thought as I do in mine. If you came to a different conclusion, then so be it. Life isn't math, there is more than one right answer. & the answers aren't the same for everyone. If I were writing for a magazine or some sort of publication, I'd feel more inclined to censor myself and keep my paycheck coming. But this is just a blog. & this blog makes about 10 cents a month. 

     So, I'll give you the whole truth and nothing but the truth --according to Ella. Your truth is welcome to be different. I can't expect you to agree with me on all fronts and you can't expect me to stray away form blog topics because you disagree. Someone out there might agree with me. & it's my duty to speak for them. And even if I'm wrong -- or I myself and that one person are wrong, we'll gladly be wrong together... but we'll be wrong in beautifully written prose. 

    In sum, this post is written out of respect. Respect to those who have done other than I chose to and have made it work. Maybe because they were stronger than me. Maybe because they figured out a way. Maybe because they know things I don't know. I just know that I've gotten a lot of love on these posts and I don't mean to set anybody off. You know those messages before a TV show that say "the following are not the views shared by [so and so] company...". Well, consider this the opposite. I take full responsibility for my point of view and don't want anyone to even attempt to share it with me. This is mine. If you agree, wonderful. If you want to quote me, amazing. If you disagree, perfect. But I'd appreciate an anonymous comment telling me your point of view... please don't remain silent. School me. Enlighten me. Prove me wrong. Feel free to challenge me. Ask questions. I'll just write more blogs and we'll be able to form an awkward online relationship. lol. I'm all about it. I aint got shit else to do really. 

Anywhoo... Just had to get that off my chest. love you all & goodnight. Thanks for listening :)