Weighed Down.

    

     Keep her out of nightclubs, all in the mix. From hanging out with chicks who be swallowing d*&#s. From cats who be ordering Cris, play the floor with the Knicks. That can only lead to something unfortunate. 

Jay-Z - "Is That Yo Chick" 

     Flipped on the TV looking for inspiration (to soothe my burning desire to write) and came across a really bad show, "The Spin Crowd" on E!. What made me hesitate on this channel was the close up of some girl's engagement ring. You guys know I like shiny things :)

Anyways...

    The girl was talking about how she wants to have "the best of both worlds". "I want to be in a committed relationship," she explained, "and I also want to be [who I need to be] in the office. I think I deserve that." Wow, I said to myself... the ditz and I have the same dreams!! Her boss then asked her if she wold be able handle it all, and if she would be able to work well if she was "weighed down by some guy". Her friend then stood up for her and said, "The only thing that is going to be weighed down is her hand." 

psshhhh.. WORD. 

      I'm in a awkward place right now. I'll admit it: My Sundays are totally lonely. i.e. I'm sitting here blogging. I have no one to text or call or aim or Facebook chat. No one. The one thing I'm grateful for is that it's (almost completely) by choice. 

     We went out last night. I wore the CUTEST purple dress and looked... Well, we'll just say that I had a guy sing Ludacris's "My Chick Bad" to me (details to come) & he was kinda cute, too. There were actually a slew of fairly attractive men there but none did what I needed them to do. You might be asking what I mean so I'll try to explain but I barely know what I mean. Sometimes, women are just waiting for a certain feeling. Every woman is looking for something different. While some women like to have their asses grabbed in the club and to have men clawing at them, I am the complete opposite.

     I don't like to be touched. If a man is going to approach me, I like him to maintain his distance. There is absolutely no reason for you to put your hands on me. I'm not trying to be stuck up but, you don't know me. I don't need anyone putting their hands on me. I like a man who can talk to me. Speak to me. Sway me with your words. Let me hear what you have to say. Where's your head at?

     Last night, a guy came up to me. As he was all in my face --reaching at my waist-- I simply turned to my head to the side and pretended he wasn't there. I didn't want to talk & he got the message. A young boy standing at his side (I say young boy cuz he looked it) saw the interaction and I saw a smile cross his face as I laughed at my own ignorance. Then, he started walking up to me. I gave him the "you, too?" face and turned my ear to hear what he had to say. "You're a bad bitch," he said in my ear and then walked away. I must admit, I liked that. In return, I let him sing to me as I smiled back. That's a fair trade in my book.  I mean, I wasn't going to grind on him --or anyone for that matter.

    Another guy (who I sort of know) tried to get a dance a couple of times during the night. It wasn't a big deal because he asked me and all my friends for a dance. After I gave him the "I don't dance," excuse he asked my why I didn't dance and if it was because I had a boyfriend. I hesitated. I mean, I don't but I felt like I did.

    I live in a happy fantasy. This is going to sound bad but... I pretend I'm married... Well, at least in a super committed relationship. I don't act like a "single" girl. I'm not grinding on guys in the club. I really don't even give out my number. When I go to the club, I head to the bar, get my drink & stand pretty all night. I dance by myself or with the girls I came with. If I'm feeling really good, I dance with other girls lol.. Never with guys though. I simply don't like the idea of penis on my back... (sorry, that was gross, but that's what it is really.) If I'm going to let that happen, it's because I'm claiming that. Other than that, I don't want it. 

    The reason I act like I'm "married" is because switching from super-single to super-committed is too drastic of a change. Can a person really make that change? I don't think so. You can't go from having all this fun and interacting with tons of people to being focused on just one. It's too easy to get bored. (I'm saying this because I've been in situations like this.) If I were to get serious with someone now, I would be easily entertained because right now I speak to no one. Like... I lost my phone last Friday and haven't gotten a new one or a replacement because I don't really talk to anyone.

     I think it's important to decide if you want to be in a relationship before you get into one. Sometimes we find a person we are willing to "change" for, but people don't change. If you can't be a certain person for yourself, you can't be that person. Do you love that person more than you love yourself? If so, I might need to write another blog for you.

     When I came home from the club the other night, feelin niiiiiiiiicee, the only thing I wanted to do was check on my dog (she's been sick =[ ) and go to bed. I had no texts to send. No phone calls to make. (I did send one, but that's a story for another day when enough time has passed and I'm willing to admit the details.)

     There is difficulty in change. There's no problem going to the club once a weekend or maybe once every two weeks when you're in a relationship if that has always been your schedule. If you go from partying 3 nights a week to once every 2 weeks, you can see how drastic that is. You have to be ready to settle for yourself before you settle for someone else. Changing for someone isn't productive because then you end up losing yourself. Trust me, I've made the mistake before.

      If I got with a guy right now, he'd have no worries. All I do is work, read, write and knit... I know, I'm like 45, right? But my day to day life wouldn't change. There would be no real effect. I'd only gain things: company, conversation, a friend. I wouldn't have to give anything up because there wouldn't be much to give up. I just wouldn't be able to give out my number ever.... and I rarely do that so...

      Pretending to be married simply prepares you to be. I'm not saying I want to get married, but I want to be the type of girl who is marriage material. (In thug, that's "wifey type".) When I go to the club, people think I have a boyfriend. I act like I do but I haven't been  in a relationship since March. I do this becuase if/when I find a guy I want to get serious with, I won't even have to change the way I act in the club. I'll always be the same girl and I can keep up the respectable person while I'm in and out of the club.

You don't have to stop going to the club just because you're in a relationship. You should simply be able to be trusted when you're there. 

     Maybe that's why I am the way I am. Because I wouldn't mind being weighed down. It wouldn't be so much of a difference and would actually be more entertaining for me... besides other reasons we can blog about later ;)