TONY.

Tony don't care no more.
He doesn't want me there no more. 
I just want to know what I did wrong.
Damn, this would make a real good song....
And he wasn't just a regular guy. 
Tony is actually,


 The Other Night... oh Y. 

     You ever think about someone when you know you shouldn't. The guy you met one day (or night, in this case) and had a great, short time with and it all of a sudden it just... ended. And you sit there wondering if that person ever thinks of you? Every song sings his name and tells the story of everything you've been through?

Like Solange does in her song, let's call him "TONY". 

     For the past two weeks, I've been listening to Nicki Minaj's "Right Through Me." Like.. literally. Like on repeat. Like.. for the entire hour it takes me to get to work. I feel this song. Like... somehow I sense it and understand it and really for no good reason at all. I'm not talking to anyone (who makes a difference anyways) right now and I'm not even interested in anyone... wait. I lied. I think of someone I shouldn't. I usually go off on this post like I understand everything there is to know about men. Yes, I will run my mouth-- or my fingers, rather --and explain situations outside of myself but... I'm human. There are things I can't figure out, especially when they happen to me. Like why me & TONY ended the way we did. 

    TONY don't call no more. And I wonder why. Do men think of women the way we think of them? When a song plays, do you imagine yourself in those shoes like... "watchin' Bonnie & Clyde pretending to be that shit"? The closest I've come to thinking a man can ever miss a woman is Jay-Z's "Song Cry". There's a heart breaking feeling that comes with unreciprocated love. The feeling that you're the only one who really wanted this and the other person took you for a beautiful ride only to leave in the dark on a dead-end street. What happened? What went wrong?

     Do you replay scenes in your head like we do? Do you think back to the times you had when everything was perfect and there was absolutely nothing on your mind? Did you feel like that too or was I lost in my own fantasy world pretending you'd follow along? Have you every invested time in something you thought would be worth your effort only to be left alone to think of what you missed out on chasing something that wasn't there in the first place? 

      I've been replaying that song in my head and envisioning myself with someone who probably doesn't even think of me. & it's not absolute love I want either. Sometimes you just want to be a part of that person's life. Because they're a good person and somehow you see it. And although all that "good person" shit is exactly that --bullshit-- you still believe it and are willing to find out on your own, even if it leaves you in heartbreak... which it did.... So was it worth it? 

     When a... "thing" ends, you're left with so many unanswered questions. "Things" are different than boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios because people in relationships argue and bicker and tell their "side of the story" and try to figure things out while "things".... they just end.  And what happens when you get another chance? Do you take it and run with it? Do you hope it'll end up different or should you expect the same outcome this time around? 

     TONY didn't want me around no more. And I sit here wondering, if I had the chance,  would I even go for the ride? We might go a different way, but he might still leave me on another cold, dark street. But maybe it'll be the "charm" time and it'll all end up beautifully. But probably not. Or maybe I should take TONY  for a ride and show him how it feels to be haunted by if's and maybe's. Obviously I wanted him. But he didn't want me. Maybe I should take my own advice and say Eff him.

 But I don't want to.  

 I don't know, Ellas. For once, I really don't know. 

Then Tony called on day. 

Said he called just to say hey

and it wasn't until he called me back

that I realized I needed more than that.

I'm a lot wiser and a little older.

Hey baby, it was nice to know ya.

Goodbye, Tony.