Fat-Phobic

      I'm afraid to get fat.  When I was younger, my friends & I used to make fun of fat people. Incessantly. Cruelly. Unabashedly. And... quite... effectively. Poignantly. Spot on, even. We'd blow our cheeks up with air, circle our arms down by our stomachs and wobble from side-to-side. We weren't spot on? lol. I just think more of us have done that than are willing to admit. I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying it should be done. I'm saying... it's what happens. Like how when you're on a bus/plane/train and you see that big person about to board, we all think, "Awwe Mann," as we put our bags on the chair next to us and pretend we're sleep. The same way you judge the big person ordering ahead of you and mentally say to yourself, "You know what you want. Acting like you ain't been here twice today." I mean... #guilty. 

     At a certain point... I realizd it was wrong. & perhaps weight is something of a "minority" status in a sense as many claim it to be. My only argument against that though is that... it's something you have a choice on. Talking about weight always seems to be a touchy subject.. but If I'm going to dig myself a hole, I may as well get comfortable in it. I don't believe you all are "big-boned". I believe you all eat-way-more-than-you-need-to. And it is sooooooo easy to eat more than you need to. I've never successfully counted calories, but 1 pack of instant oatmeal is 150 cal.  A person only needs 2,000 a day. That means that 7.5% of my cal are done after that oatmeal.. not counting the 2 packs of sugar, half a banana and tall cup of coffee with whole milk (cuz I weened myself off of half-n-half).

     Granted, it's not something that should be held against people.  I mean, weight doesn't define a person. & As much as I'm talking about it now, I don't doubt people who are heavy-set think about their weight themselves. We all like to pretend that big people are happy being big.. I mean... some are. I believe most aren't.  I don't care how hot Bow Wow's  "Big Girls" song was... I dont think anyone wants to be overweight. Mostly because of the physical appearance. Secondly because of the health risks. But, I think it's fair to say that we're our own toughest critics, unless it comes to weight... When it comes to weight... the world is pretty fuckin harsh.

     So yea... I'm afraid to be fat because of how easy it is to get fat. A bigger reason?  Cuz I was already. Like... not huge, but big enough that I was technically overweight according to doctor's visits. I was the biggest one out of all my friends and kindly enough.. they blamed the extra weight on my backside. & honestly... I was afraid to work out because I was afriad to lose it. I was afraid it wasn't... real. I don't mean fake like... implants fake... I mean fake like, Her ass ain't fat... that's FAT on her ass. I was always self-conscious when it came to my body & most of all my weight. Thing is, I never had breasts, but I had this gut. A gut that Erik once pointed out when were were in Mr. Decelles class in the 8th grade. & Erik had a right to say what he said. I called him fat first. & I said it with conviction. Whole time though, I had my tummy popping out the fluorescent pink, button-down shirt (littered with hearts in other fluorescent colors) that I happened to think was the flyest shirt I owned. 

I dont think I ever wore that shirt again. lol

    A big reason I can't ever be fat again is that... want to be friends with my sister. You see, I truly believe my sister was one of those "pretty girls" in high-school.... and... always. You know.. Small & Spanish looking. Her moles are the reason they call them beauty marks. & Truth is, my sister was meaner to me before. Maybe not mean... we just weren't cool. I really don't think she liked me being fat. She told me one time that she's prejudiced against fat people, and I couldn't hold it against her. I mean... one of the toughest images to stomach is the stomach on a fat person while they're eating McDonald's. No offense, I'm just saying... So... I quit the Mickey D's... a while ago actually... but then gained "boyfriend weight" when I spent to much time with the last (you know the weight you gain cuz all you want to do is be near him... so all yall do is cook, eat & watch TV?). He'd told me I needed to work out... jokingly of course... and I agreed. But while I was at the gym... he was putting on some lbs. "If I get fat, do you think they'd fire me?" I asked my brother-in-law a couple weeks back. "Yes," he said - no hesitation- I'd fire me, too, though. You should see the women I work with. Only people more fit than they are are the gay men. 

Ricky; Before & After

     I saw a special on... IDK some basic cable channel I have... And Ricky Lake was on there. I'm on the young side for Ricki Lake, so I only know her from her TV show. Apparently, before that... she'd been pretty, pretty big. And she just kept getting bigger. Initially, it was cool because she landed the lead role in the original "HairSpray" and that character was supposed to be heavy-set. Eventually, though, there were no more "fat girl" roles to play. During her interview, Ricky confessed that she starved herself and lost weight. She said that sometimes, when she went to bed hungry, she felt like she was doing a good thing.

    I gotta admit. I've thought that before. Last night even. Sometimes, I just push it off and figure I'll just be extra hungry for breakfast. Aren't I supposed to be hungry for breakfast?  Really though, I push it off because when you eat  before going to bed, you don't have a chance to burn those calories off... so you eat most during the day, when you have the rest of the day to work it off.

     So recently, I've gotten scared of being Anorexic. Go figure huh? People keep commenting on how much weight I've lost but it's really hard to tell it on yourself. The same way you can't see if you're getting fat is the same way you won't notice if you're looking sickly. I would hope someone would tell me  but you can only take people's comments so far. People used to seeing me at my fat stage might think I've lost too much weight. People who are smaller might find the size I am now to be more attractive. IDK. So I've been chopping up shit I don't really eat (tomatoes, peppers, raw mushrooms, celery) into my salads and sandwiches with an underlying objective to "get my vitamins".  IDK what that means but my mom always says it in Spanish.. "Tu nesecita tu vitamina," and things are typically more convincing in Spanish. Even more so in Dominican.

      Overall, I really just want to be healthy. But if I'm speaking without reservation, I don't want to be fat. Maybe TMI, but now, when I look at myself, I like what I see. Anorexic or not. lol. I know I shouldn't joke about that but, that's the kind of body I want. I want the type of body, as my sister says, "girls starve themselves for." Except, I want to eat though. & Throwing up ain't for me.( I'm a drama queen when it comes to throwing up. & it smells. So. Bad.  I Caannt.) Ricky went on to say that people never gave her attention like she did when she finally got skinny. She said she's never felt better. Girl, I know. Trust me, if you lose a little weight, people treat you better. 


       So I'm trying to watch myself. I make sure I eat 3 meals a day. Even if the last meal is a PB&J. I eat Breakfast every morning. & I only work out once a week... for like 20 minutes lol. I'm not a hard core dieter. I'm I'm half assed with most of the things I do. Dieting & working out are no exception... matter fact... Maybe I can give you some tips on Losing Weight: What Worked for Me. 

Ella's Work-Out Plan.

Hit the gym. Step on the scale. Stare at the number. You say you dropping ten pounds, preparing for summer. You don't do it for the men. Men never notice. You just do it for yourself. You the fuckin' coldest.  Drake, "Fancy"

"I like a girl who... has a nice ass and a nice stomach," he said. 

      Whenever a guy lists out the things he "likes" in a girl, I tend to mentally check these things off my mental "got that" list. I guess that leaves me with a check & a half on his list. Or maybe two half-checks? It's so hard to rate yourself on someone else's scale. What does he mean by that? I do I need a god-damned six pack? And how much jiggle is acceptable back there? I mean... I can't even see back there to know if I can get a full check. What is he not saying? Better yet, what is he changing to suit me? For example, guys like to take on the challenge of ascribing themselves a particular label: Ass Man or Breast Man? Either guys are pinpointing my A cups or there are really no guys out there who like breasts. Does a man ever tell the truth about what he likes? To your face? This most recent guy told me that he didn't really like breasts, to which i responded, "Bullshit. Even I like breasts." 

      Men like it all. If there were a prototype for the type of woman a man likes, she'd have a small waist, big ass, big breasts, long hair, toned all over... Ok... here's a better explanation. Men either like Barbie, or Barbie with more ass. (Skin tone is another issue I won't get into... if that crossed your mind, read my other posts: "Oh, So You Don't Like Black Girls"? and/or "Black Barbie: The Baddest Barbie in the World".) 

      Here's what I've learned: There are things about me that aren't perfect. And when a man tells me that I'm exactly what he wants, I know that he's making concessions for me. And while It's greatly appreciated, I'm not naive enough to believe that the woman of any man's (literal) dreams is an A-cup. --Although I think an ass is unquestionably more important than breasts when it comes to a woman's silhouette -- At the same rate, I'm not going to change myself for any man. Luckily, I want to have a flatter stomach. 

      Don't change yourself for a man. Do it for you. The other night, when I got stood up (read, "Table for One, Please,") I didn't care for the reasons I outlined in that post and one reason in addition: I looked so effin good. Pardon if I sound self-absorbed or am giving off a cocky vibe but... I enjoyed my own company. In that post, I talked about dating myself... and you know what? I would. If I were a guy, I would date me. I would look at me walking down the street. I would probably also turn to look at my ass as I walked by. "Him" and I have a common argument about my moving to Harlem because there are a lot ( A LOT) of brothas out there who may (like they haven't already) approach me at any given time to try their hand. My response to him? I like the attention. 

     I'm an attention whore. I like to be looked at. The only thing I like more than being followed by men is turning them down. Now, this is truth. I've pretended in the past that I didn't like the attention. And trust me, I used to feel more "fuck niggas"... but you know what? I also wasn't getting the attention I wanted. FACT: Women who are constantly getting played by men are the most angry at men. Women who cant get men, are the ones who hate men.  Anger is not the solution. The answer is to look better than you ever have. To improve yourself, for yourself. Not for any man. I run on the treadmill for an hour only because when I look in the mirror, I want to be happy with what I see. I want to walk out of my door with my head held high. 

   "Don't be a nickle out here looking for a dime," said Lyfe Jennings in his song Statistics.  Sometimes, we women are out here asking for a man to be rich, in shape and salaried. But we are none of those things. For myself, I want a man who is in shape. So I work out. I want a man who dresses well, so I spend some serious change and earn my miles at Macy's. I need him to make money... so everyday I go to work and plot my way to the top. I need my man to have that same ambition. And, deny it if you'd like, but physical matters.  I watched an episode of House once where Hugh Laurie's character said "sixes marry sixes. Tens marry tens." Trey Songz (My dream boo) is going to marry a gorgeous girl because he's gorgeous. I'm not quite on his level so... while I fantasize, I know the truth. Hot women get hot men. I want to be hot! Maybe that's why when some men approach me, I think to myself, Seriously? Like.. Really?  (Don't judge me. Y'all do the same thing.) I know I'm not a 10 but I'm also not a 1. I know this because I've seen girls uglier than me. So  simple mathematical theory proves I can't be a 1.

TIP** For a quick self-esteem boost, think of all the people uglier than you. This is pretty "Mean Girls"... but it  does work & it's a guaranteed laugh lol. Well... I'm laughin. *Kanye Shrug*

      I DO NOT condone any woman putting in any kind of work for a broke man. In sum, you gotta get yourself right for yourself. But if you do do it for someone else, let him be worth it.  When I work out, I turn to a page like the one you see in the picture above. A man doesn't motivate me as much as Van Cleef &Arpels' Diamonds but... nothing motivates me more than a man who'll buy me diamonds :) So "Him" wants to work out with me and help me find a meal plan so that we can work on my tummy. I'm all for it. He used to be a trainer sooo...It's like... a free trainer. I WANT A TRAINER!! and I LOVEE FREE!!! (You know I like to pretend to be important, y'all.) But "Him" also takes me shopping and he's initiated the conversations about diamonds with no nudging on my end... so whatever he wants, man. If he ends up being a lame... at least I'll get a flat stomach out of the deal. 

Oh...And what's most importantly... is I aint gotta fuck with [I'll spare him out of kindness] broke ass no mo'.  GET IT! :)

OMG. Boobs.

What'd you say? Her titties got big? Bitch, you got your regular titties. Why they ain't work for you?

 Kat Williams in Lil' Km's "Winners and Losers" 

      If I had the money, the time and a distorted perception of myself, I'd get a nose job, an ass job & a boob job.  Nose because I just don't like it, ass because its not... perky enough (lol) and boobs because...well, can a girl at least have a little??? 

      First off, I don't think there's anything wrong with minor plastic surgery to adjust yourself. There are plenty people, myself included, who could use a tweak or two. For example, if I had a good B-cup, I think I'd get a lot more guys. On the dime scale, I'd go up at least a number and a half.  Just sayin'. While I can live without the nose and ass jobs (face surgery scares me & I got a lot from my momma), I've seriously considered getting my breasts done. I would say "Have you seen Kelly Rowland's boobs?" but I know you have because it's the pic for this blog. Their good right? I know! Your Welcome :)  Now that is what a good boob job looks like. She doesn't look grotesque or morphed... she looks... good! If you're going to get something, let it be a career enhancing enhancement like the new Rowland twins. 

        Even Kourtney Kardashian has face breasts (face breasts though? I need an editor ASAP. I'm leaving it cuz i love funny typos & you guys are so accepting of me!) and they look pretty, pretty good. They look natural and also put in in a way where she can still breast feed. OK, maybe TMI but... that matters to me. I want to get boobs but I don't want to ruin my body or the purposes for which it was made. If your going to get surgery, you've got to research it and find out your options and weigh the pros and the cons. 

       Trying to change yourself, on the other hand, is a complete different story. If your outside appearance is all that matters to you, there are some serious internal issues you need to figure out. And if you want to get surgery for things that you can fix yourself, that's also an issue. Most women out there want tummy tucks or liposuction or that tie-up-your-stomach surgery.... all these things dealing with weight. Did you know that you control your weight. If you want to lose weight, there's a cheaper way: Stop eating so much. Not saying you should starve yourself (not an advocate for that at all), but you don't need to eat until your body hurts. Especially if you have no constant exercise routine. 

       Some people think that they don't have to work out now because they didn't "work out" as kids. As kids though, you do a lot more that you notice. Remember walking miles to places you shouldn't have been? Or boys chasing girls in the school yard? Remember you didn't have a car. As adults, we sit on our asses sooooo much more. And the way we keep in touch or catch up with friends is to "do lunch" or "Grab a bite." Fatasses in the making.  My personal opinion: If there is something physical about you that you can change naturally, you have no right to complain about it. If there is a way to do it,  do it. I know most people don't have time to work out... but they do find time to eat HUGE meals. If you cut down on your portions, you don't need to change your schedule at all. 

      People like to pretend that outward appearances mean nothing. I'm not going to sit here and pretend to be naive and positive and tell you they don't. How you look affects everything. Your mood, your esteem, your skin, your psychological health, your intelligence, your social activities, your interactions with others, your sex life. (The links are to Elle.com articles on the topics listed. Since the articles are already written, I'm not going to re-write them. Check the tips & advice here for yourself.)  As much as we like to say we don't judge people on their outward appearances we do. This summer, when my friends and I would go out, we'd pick up a new addition to the crew, all the while wondering what she'd be wearing. Is she cute? Is she dressed slutty? Flip flops or heels? Does she match with us? It's as superficial as it gets but it's the truth. 

        Don't you want better sex?!?! My favorite portion of this conversation is how your appearance effects your sex life. Imagine always having to do it with the lights off? I mean, that's cool, but I trust a man will get excited if you don't mind the lights on every once in a while. And I have a uh..... friend of mine.... who didn't like being on top because she wasn't pleased with her stomach or chest. Now that she is please, that position is much more enjoyable. In my very, very limited experience with intercourse (lol), you tend to picture what the other person sees as you do it. Is it a pretty sight? The prettier it all looks, the more your attracted to yourself and the more comfortable you'll be ---> better sex. I even get more pleasure simply being around men, because If I can see me, they can see me. & sometimes, it's enough just to know someone want you.

*NOTE*Just because you look good doesn't mean you have to spread your legs to everything that shows interest. Feel like this is a necessary sidenote before the young readers get carried away and the older readers start to judge me.**

     I also worry about gaining weight having my guy's view of me change over time. I remember my ex would comment on my stomach and say I need to hit the gym. Yea, I took it as a joke and laughed it off, but secretly it hurt. No one wants to hear that. I remember purposely tell him he needed to go for a run because I was in a "you ain't the best nigga out here" mood. I want a guy who is... strong and toned and... muscly (it's a word now) and healthy etc... but I feel like I can't expect from him something I don't even require from myself. I think that the more you like a certain kind of man, you have to consider that he might also like a certain type of girl. 

      People have been commenting a lot lately on how small I've gotten. While I like what I look like, I worry that I've lost too much. I didn't lose the weight in any drastic form. I just ate smaller portions and stopped eating if I was full, I didn't force myself to finish a meal. I also went for a 30 minute run at least three times a week & did stomach stuff for like... 10 minutes. If I couldn't make it so many times, I'd do one day for like an hour. Now, my mom will comment on my figure but she keeps asking me if I feel alright. I try to make sure I eat 3 meals a day so I can guarantee this isn't an eating disorder. But today, while I was at work, I looked in the mirror and thought, If I get fat, would they fire me? My answer was: Maybe. That's some scary shit because it's true... and I wouldn't even be mad at them. Yes, I'd sue... but I might fire me too. 

      I'm not advocating anorexia or anything (and especially not bulemia, that shits groooossss) but I think that we need to take control of our own bodies. And honestly... if you have a problem with it, either work on it, or love yourself. I'd much rather hang with a big girl who is proud of herself than to hear a fat girl complain about her size while eating a burger with a large fry and a Coke. 

     So anyways... I'm considering buying myself some boobies because I can't change that any other way. And I want them to look like Kelly's.  Besides I've always said I wanted twins :)