Hypocritical Post #1

6.27.11

I'm going to contradict myself. Because I'm going to continue to grow. With each of  my experiences, I learn and I change. 

The Day After.

6.27.11

Typically the worst day.

I have to get this out of my head so that I can function normally.

I'm not worried. He'll be back.

Ask Ella: How's About That Anal Sex?

I'm only giving you things you joke about in your parents' living rooms. The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of yall and I aint got to be false or sugar-coated at all. - Eminem "The Real Slim Shady" 

Do u think anal sex is nasty, and have u ever done it?

   This is a conversation I pretend to be able to have in public. You threw me off with this one! So bear with me. I'm trying to be honest with you but maintain respect for myself. Not sugar-coated, but within a realm of respect. The reason being is that my sex life is mine. Similarly, your sex life is yours. That's the ultimate message I want to give you. So whatever you want to do, I say you go ahead and do that. Any woman who's had a desire/fantasy fulfilled knows there's nothing beyond compare. This issue here is that you're a female. It's a lot easier for us to be labeled as "whores" if we're more sexually open than the next girl (even though she's probably done worse.) You've got many more hoops to jump through. So.. I think that a lot of what you do in the bedroom depends on things outside of the bedroom. There are certain things I hold off on. You've got to come up with your own rules when it comes to that. There's certain things I only do for certain people.

New relationship : 

All about my own pleasure. There's no reason to test your limits and boundaries with a man you don't fully know and isn't committed to you. Additionally, if you extend "freaky" ideas to him it can really lead anywhere. Hi might get excited, or he might think that's too much for him. 

Serious relationship:

 Fair exchanges of pleasure. If you're comfortable with a person (sexually) and you have a good vibe, you might be able to try whatever you want. Perhaps you'll both enjoy it. 

Declared monogamous relationship: 

Sometimes for his pleasure. If he wants to do it, but you're not sure... it's okay to in this arena, I think. At this point, he respects you and knows you enough to understand your sexuality and not judge you if you propose something new. 

Committed, longterm relationship: 

Things I wouldn't consider, if that's what he likes. & this stage you can introduce new things to add "spice" to the relationship if he's for it. 

Married (or something like it): 

Shit you probably shouldn't do. At this point, you probably have done it all. So you might consider new things. At this point, he's more likely to keep your secrets to himself so you can probably try a whole lot of things. He might not only enjoy it, but appreciate it. 

      But this is simply how I look at relationships..  you might see it differently. I just don't think you should give a man more than he deserves. & not to say that all you have to give is your body... but it's a hell of a gambling tool. You can't give them too much before it's time. Once upon a time, anal sex fell into my "committed/longterm" umbrella. An attempt was made... but I couldn't handle the feeling. I decided that losing my virginity once was enough. & honestly... that was the game behind it all. I had a boyfriend.. who I adored. I would have done (and did) anything for him. He told me he wished he was my "first" and that this way, he'd be my first something. Emotionally, I was all for it. & I don't regret it. At least now I know the shit ain't me. Pain isn't me & that extends into additional parts of my sex life (I'll share some other time). I've also heard multiple horror stories regarding anal sex and... feces. I don't need that on my sheets. It's the urban myth (I call it that because I wouldn't know if it's true or not and I'm not looking that up on my work computer) of not being able to control your bodily functions during the act. I  had this conversation in high school once (years and years ago) to which a girl provided a suggestion: maybe I should use the bathroom first and then try it. Frankly, I'm not interested in any activity that requires my bowels to be empty. 

      I don't look down on it. Some girls like it. Personally, I don't. The stigma behind anal sex, I think, is rooted in its prevalence in porn. It's something porn stars do. Probably because they have to switch it up and (more likely) they might get paid more for it. In the porn industry, the more you do, the bigger the check. This is going to sound off, so judge me if you'd like... but anal, to me, is a thing I give to two things: Curiosity and homosexual relationships. (I know, I know... whateverrrrrrr.) My reasoning is this: Men and women have parts that fit directly one with the other. I'm fine having an extra, unused hole. When a male and a male get together... where else are you going to put it? You've got to do something. As for lesbians??? I mean... they spend a hell of a lot of time with their faces in there... they probably are used to the area and experiment more since they're umm....missing tools. I think that anal sex is uncomfortable for people who fall more towards heterosexual on the spectrum. Ever try to play in a straight man's behind? lmfao... It scares and upsets them at the same time. It's hilarious, actually. I've even had a guy tell me he won't have anal sex, because it's only a step away from having anal sex with a man and so he'd prefer to stay in Pussytown. Men say the darndest things ;)

    Speaking of the male point of view. I haven't met a guy who loves it. I also haven't met a guy who will turn it down. If you want to do it, he will. Even if he said he won't. Men are like that. I asked around and apparently, it feels the same to them. The stimulation is mental: From simply knowing that they're in a different hole. Still, I think that if you do it too soon with a guy, he might think a certain way of you. Like... if you want to be taken seriously... I wouldn't recommend anal sex on the first night. But then again, that depends on the guy. But like I said before, your sex life is yours. If thats what you want to do, and thats what he wants to do, then go right ahead and enjoy yourself. & If you really do enjoy it, he'll respect that, I think and enjoy being able to fully please you. Because think what you'd like... but all men want to do in bed is please a woman --if they know anything about sex or women. 

     If you feel wrong about something you're doing sexually... or if you  don't want to do it... Don't. You wrote to me for a reason. I'm not quite sure what that is... but you've go to figure that out yourself. There's nothing wrong with experimenting and being comfortable with your body. & I admire any women who is. But it depends on the reason behind it. Honestly, it doesn't matter what I think unless you want to have sex with me lol. What matters is how your partner feels. How comfortable they are with it. & If they don't match up with your sexuality (like I talked about in If You're Nasty... you know he ain't the one for you (long term). Your body is yours to do with as you please. I don't think there are limitations besides being safe. Sex should be a beautiful, joyous thing & whatever you share with a man should be your choice and yours alone. Not solely  because it's what he wants. & you shouldn't refrain from enjoying yourself because of what your friends think. & really, it's non of their business what turns you on if they're not going to provide a solution. ---This is why I've backed away from talking about sex with friends. It's a personal thing. & how you do it in the bedroom is up to you. Like Ciara said, your bedroom is your circus ;) 

But...always strap up, pop a pill & play it safe. 

PS: You're hott. You can get away with a lot lol ;) 

ASk Ella: What's Your Number?

Heyyy [Ella],

Love the blog…read it on my breaks at work lol…and while at work today I decided to submit my first ever Ask Ella question!!! lol…sooo here’s my situation…

So im talking to this dude and the other night he asked me that question I hate, that eventually comes from most dudes…”how many dudes have u layed with”. Now I have been asked this question many times my dudes before and even other females, and every time I don’t want to answer and usually respond with “that’s something I don’t tell people”. When I told dude this, he followed up with a bunch of questions. Why can’t you tell me?...You don’t trust me?..Why do you have a wall up?..Why won’t you open up to me?...Is it a lot?, I won’t judge you…etc, etc….But that’s just the thing….in my mind every time someone ask that question, hell yea they are going to judge you. Whether you’re you’ve been with 1 dude or 50…you are being judge. That’s partially why I don’t respond and mainly because its none of the person’s damn business lol and whatever was in my past shouldn’t be relevant…right?? So from these types of situations, I get tired of being asked the same question and not knowing what to say…idk if my number is too many, or if the dude will think im easy/ a ho and give it up to him b/c of my number, or if he will lose interest b/c I’ve been with one dude and lack experience and he may have to wait to get it…Or should you eventually be able to get to a point with a significant other when telling your number is alright and should be done. I just wanted advice from someone else…and see if Im crazy for thinking I shouldn’t feel obligated to tell anyone my number regardless of how close we are or how long I’ve known the person. That is all..Thanks Ella!! 

   ~DaMagicNUMB3R

Heyyy Miss Numbers, 

     Sorry its taken me so long to respond. I've been busy not gettin' any. It's actually been a long time since a man asked me that question. Typically, when men ask me questions I don't want to answer, I give them responses that will lighten up the mood. Ranges always work best. When a guy I went to dinner with asked me how much money I make, I told him "Between enough and more than enough." When my Ex asked me how many men I've slept with, I said "Between 5 and 46." So.. I kinda answer the question, but don't really answer the question. Men just don't like to be ignored. 

       I think you're completely correct: It isn't anyone's damned business. I feel your pain, sometimes, you don't know if you should answer. Every man is different in the way he views women (or how he thinks a woman should be) so every time you respond to the question, it feels like pass/fail. All you want to do is respond correctly. Sometimes, all you want to do is win. But if your number is too high for him, it's just too high. If your number is too low... maybe he'll think you don't know anything. Or maybe your number is too low --not everyman wants to break in a virgin. Besides, I have a friend Pamela who says that all the guys you've only slept with once, count as 1 person. [I love Pamela for that.]

        This is when you get lost on how to respond. In my opinion, women don't talk numbers. You don't tell a man your age, your income or your track list. The only number I give out freely is my telephone, cuz it don't mean shit & I probably won't pick up anyway. I'm just not sure he needs to know everything. I'm not sure any of these things make a difference in a woman really. If a man was really on his job, he'd ask you when was the last time you got tested? Have you ever have an STD? How many? How recently? There are other things that matter more. In all honesty, I don't think the dude you're talking to is mature enough for a real relationship. He might be a nice guy and --to be brutally honest -- a good fuck, but that's all he cares about really.  I feel like if a man/woman asks those types of questions (in the beginnings to a relationship), they're attached to your physical more than they should be. How about asking you how many books you've read? Take the stance of a lady... tell him you enjoy sex, and obviously you've had sex, and that's as far as the conversation will go. 

        Miss Numbers, since I know you personally, I know you more to contribute to a relationship than your body. I think a man should focus on those things first. Or, at the very least, equally. Does he press you about your emotions as well? Your goals? Your dreams? Does he ask you to open up about those things? We're all human, so a man is going to be concerned about sex (as is a woman) but there are acceptable and unacceptable levels. If your body and your past outweigh his preoccupation with your self and your future, you might need to reevaluate that nigga. 

       I'm a woman just like you. Yes, I've had sexual relations in the past. Unfortunately my first didn't end up being the love of my life and so here we are. I'm sure I'm not alone on this boat. In hindsight, I should have waited. I admire the women with the strength to hold out but I'm just not one of those women. Truth is, I like sex. Women like sex. Some more than others... but sexual stimulation is something human. Remember... it was Eve with the apple. So I've enjoyed my partners (for the most part). Thing is... sometimes... most times, I was let down by the experience. Sometimes, a girl gets fooled. & he adds one to his notch while you try to forget it ever happened. Men are not as good as they say they are... unless they are. So we get tripped up and fall in. The fact that you've had multiple partners doesn't exactly make you a hoe, it makes you... a sexually reproductive organism that just so happens to feel pleasure when you mate... lol. What makes you a hoe is how a man perceives you.

      Why is he asking you in the first place? Was that the initial conversation? Did you ask first? Or is  there another reason? Did you give it up early?  Cuz if you did and your numbers are too high, you need to reevaluate yourself and the moves youre making. You don't have to sleep with every guy. Just remember that every new guy just adds one to the count. Or is your stuff really magic? (I know mines is!!! lol) if so, that's not you're fault. I think the better you are at sex, the more likley you are to have sex... or maybe the other way around... well... you know what I mean. Still, I think mature men know that they don't really want to know the answer. So they simply don't ask. A man who asks... might want to ... own you. He might need to know exactly who's been in there to justify/solidify himself. But that's just my assumption and something for a man to comment on... So I asked a FB friend. 

"Its just a question honestly its not like how when females ask the question the guy might not get the girl but the guy really doesn't care he's just gettin 2 know u more personally and 2 see where u stand on a sexual scale preference." 

- P. Alexander

     I'm still not sure I'd answer the question. IDK what you're looking for... but I believe that when a man wants your heart or your mind... questions about your body are few and far in between. But if you like him, perhaps he deserves an answer.... here's something you can try: The Truth.  I'm not saying tell him your number, I'm saying tell him how you feel about answering. Let him know it makes you uncomfortable. That it's something you'd rather say. Explain it to him exactly how you explained it to me. Sometimes, it's so much easier to tell a stranger what you should be saying directly to the person the question involves. 

Then I asked Mr. Alexander what kind of number is a man looking for:

"I honestly could careless I would be more focused on us than just her..when I get with a chick and she tells me a crazy number I just say 2 myself she wit me so she has no past just future"

        If he speaks for all men, My God, have we been miss judging our men. But... us women, we think with our hearts. We'll do anything just to get the answer right... We think about all of our answers. Everything we say, aim, text and message is calculated to illicit the response we want from you. We want to impress men at all costs. The thing about a woman is, she will do what she has to. Because a man's motives are really too hard to figure out sometimes. Sometimes, they just ask shit to ask it. Sometimes, men have no motives. Some men are thinking simply like P. Alexander, but some are really just focused on owning your vagina. I might  have judged your guy a little harshly at the beginning of this post, but you know him better than I do. The point still stands that however you choose to answer the question, he should accept it. 

Me, I'm never telling mine. Because if I'm with him, I "have no past, just future". And that should be enough.  Tell' em, P. Alexander said so. 

Hope this helped.

Ask Ella: How Do I Know if I'm a Hoe?

Heyyy Ella, 


I am... a bit slutty. But my New Year's resolution was to cut back. My body count is gross. But then again, my first guy was in 2002... How do I know if I'm a hoe? 


-Leo








Heyyy Leo, 


      This is the second topic you've submitted to me. Trust me, I haven't forgotten the first... I've just got to decide how I feel before I write. I need time to think and make up my mind. Luckily... I've thought about this topic all too much.

      Plain and simple: You won't know. I'm not sure if hoes know they're hoes. Which... would make us all hoes to some degree?? I mean, seriously speaking, the only people fit to judge another when it comes to sex are virgins or those who waiting till marriage. If you're having sex before marriage, you're not the most saintly person either. REAL *clap* TALK *clap* (I know yall seen that Kevin Hart standup).  It's tough to figure out what a real  hoe is outside of H.A.M's (Hatin Ass, Muthasss. Yup, I used it). Most labeled hoes are hoes... I mean, you have to have done something to earn the title. Right? Now that I think of it, there are two "hoes" we need to address here: Your Inner Hoe vs Your Outer Hoe. Please bear with me. 

Part 1: Your Outer Hoe. 

      Haters are plentiful these days. "She's a hoe" is sometimes code for "she gets all the guys I wish I could". Because, let's face it, the "new" girl is always a hoe, right? Even friends might go on and be H.A.M if you get more guys than they do. I'm no stranger to this. Sometimes, the people closest to you can be your worst enemy. Sometimes, they assume that every guy you talk about or mention is in your pants. & So what if he is? Jealousy is the strongest weak emotion known to man. So you've got to give them less ammo. 

    First thing is first: Stop telling people your business. The only way people can call you a "hoe" is if it runs through the grapevine. In all honesty, if I hear the same story from 2 people or, even worse, from someone close to you, I take it as truth. Even if I shouldn't. Personally, I don't like to spread it, but before I  tell your story, I'll be sure to say "Yo, I heard..." and allow you some reasonable doubt. You know very  well who you should and shouldn't tell your business to. We all know which of or friends will judge us more heavily than the others. Pick and choose your audience. You might just be making yourself  look like a hoe. Humans (in my opinion) need sexual stimulation. There's nothing wrong than that. But some need more than others. & If you need a lot... go head and get yours. Just remember you close the bedroom door for a reason; privacy is key. Not everybody needs to know every detail of your sexual escapades. So you might not be a hoe, people just know too much personal shit about you. 

      If your degrees of separation are too low, you might be a hoe.  You're numbers might be high, but what matters most is what people outside of you can count. (Not saying that numbers don't count. They do. "Hoe" is short for "whole world". The closer you are to sleeping with the whole world, the more of a hoe you are. But no one truly knows your numbers except for you. Why put yourself on blast?) So when taking on new... territory, do your research. He shouldn't know people you've slept with. We don't want to have to cue Ray J's boys for a "She smashed the homies" chant. That makes you a hoe. When people can point out people you've slept with and for it to be true. Particularly if they're friends. Even more so if they're related. (Watch out if you date anyone from the islands though because they all be related. ) You've got to pick and choose. And wisely. Most people do one-per-crew. Growing up in Rhode Island, I did one-per-city. The older you get, the more people you (and everyone else) know, so you've got to branch. Right now, I can't go any lower than states :( You might not be a hoe, but like my boo, Ronald, used to say, "You have hoe-like tendencies" & what are those you might ask? Well if you can finish the following saying, you can figure it out yourself.

 What they don't know...

Yup. That's the Hoe Code. & you know it. Typically followed by a "I don't give a fuck", when in reality... you give a whole lot more fucks than you should. My opinion on the matter, though, is hoes have to be proven. If they can't prove it... then WTF are they talking about? Nah mean? Get yours, boo. Most H.A.Ms are at home alone angry. Stifled. Worried somebody's gonna take their man. They just mad, boo. That's all.  

    

Part 2: Your Inner Hoe

    The hoe mentality lacks restraint. Hoes don't and won't say no. This is where it gets dangerous and you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Do you sleep with just anyone? Even when you don't want to? That's a problem. And below that problem lies a greater problem. Maybe there's a lack of self confidence. Maybe there's the feeling that the only thing you have to offer is your body. Or, perhaps, fear that you'll lose that person if you don't give it up.  Earlier in life this may be due to a chase of popularity.  To prove that someone likes you. That  someone  thinks your pretty. That you're wanted.  It may be because you weren't wanted in places where it truly made a difference: in the home, for example. Perhaps lack of family. Lack of support. Lack of love. This lack of inhibition can ruin you. The sooner you can work against that, the sooner you can transition into "housewife". (They say you can't turn a hoe into a housewife, but "They" say a lot of things.) You just gotta stop fuckin around. Literally. & realize that you are more than your body. When you reach that point... it'll all change. Trust me. 

     I mean.... If you're not a hoe, then you're not. You can only be what you say you are... But you've got to prove that as well. This is tougher though, because you've got to prove it to yourself. In those times where no one but you knows  a decision is being made. When a man you think is attractive wants to sleep with you, do you automatically give it up? Is sex always initiated on your part? When's the last time you were taken on a date? Did you fuck him afterwards? Do you have sex in return for things/favors/gifts? (Cuz you should really just keep it moving.) Do you travel for sex? Do you change your plans for sex. Could you do without sex? 

    The Key Trait: Hoes needs sex. The same way crackheads need crack and alcoholics need alcohol. Do you need it? Because yes. it feels good, but you won't die without it. Promise. I'm living proof lol.   BUUUTT... since I know you personally, if they ever play that "she's a hooooeeeee!!!!" joint when we're out, I'm pointin at you, boo. & you better not get nervous.  LOL. Still, I know you aint no hoe. You jus like sex a whole lot. I'll admit, I think sex is a fascinating act, in moderation. More so, it's a talent. A skill. You know you're slipping when you start chasing and end up with nothing be subpar sex. It's like when people do dirty drugs just cuz their chasing a high. They'll do anything for that feeling. I'm for either great sex or no sex. It's a tough discipline to master, but once you get here, you wont regret it. You can trust me on that too ;) 

    So you gotta control your outer hoe by keeping your inner hoe in check. Of course, men are never hoes, let's face it. & Gay men are only hoes to an extent because they can't get pregnant so they have less to worry about [slash] they are more tempted/better equipped to hoe around with less repercussions. (That's my opinion, of course). Still, lots of this can apply to you all as well, I'd assume. But, for the third time, GET YOURS, Boo. 

Careful though. You may walk a thin line. 

In sum,  I leave you with a little Salt-N-Peppa wisdom a la "None of Your Business,"

If I wanna take a guy,

home with me tonight,

ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!! 

If she wanna be a freak thang, 

sellin on the weekends

 ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!! 

Now you, 

shouldn't even get into

who I'm givin skins to

ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

 So don't try to change my mind

I'll tell you one more time:

ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!

I Don't Sex.

It's gonna take more than one drink to get me home. I know you didn't ask, but I thought you should know; It ain't that easy, not that easy to go. 
 Keyshia Cole, "Thought You Should Know"         

       I mean, it's all people want to talk about right? It's like conversation gravitates towards sex. No matter the guy really. Eventually, you end up on the topic of you have or have not done. Sometime asserts themselves, claiming they could do some things if given the chance.

        It's that same "chance" they fail to understand. So here's the thing... it's been a while for me. After a "while" most people feel like they need it any way they can get it... but it's turned to the complete opposite. I feel like... ok, this is kinda, super gross but... anyone out there with a single, older mother might have come across this thought once: When's the last time my mom got some? My mom? She ain't had none in a long time. I can tell you that much. My mom hasn't dated since I was... 10 maybe? So... it's been round 10-12 years since she got laid. There was a point where I wasn't sure if I could do it. If I could be alone for that long. If I could go without being touched or held for such a long period of time... until I had no control over it. 

      I haven't been in a relationship since March. Haven't been continuously involved since April. Haven't tested the waters since July. (T.M.I? oh well. lol) With that said, I've had it once in the past 9 months. I'm going on 6 months completely without and actually... it's feeling pretty good. Honestly, I wish I hadn't had the one slip-up I did. Thing is, I needed to know if I needed it. And the disappointment I gained from the experience is what opened my eyes to the path I'm on now. We need a bit of elaboration, correct? It was empty. There was nothing. Thing is, I'm a bit of a performer, so I like to make it enjoyable for my partner, but I swear I could be a real-live actress. I mean, I was the Little Red Hen in the 3rd grade school play & did a pretty good job, they say. When I have a private audience, I'm damned near an award winner. Here's how you know it's empty: You're thinking. I was too aware. I was thinking about everything around me. Where we were, what it felt like, how we ended up there, how it would end, when it would end. I think sex is a beastly activity. By beastly, I don't mean "beastin' it," I mean, it's purely animal. It's instinctual. It's part of life. But as humans, there is something awesome in how we connect with one another... this is when we get wrapped up in what it means to make love. Even more awesome is what that feels like. 

        Love, both the feeling and the action, is incredible. It should... connect you. When you make love, the sex shouldn't even come to mind. & I'm not sure it's even making "love" forreal... it's just that, for me, sex needs something more. I've had enough detached experience to be tired of it as a whole. And to be completely honest, penetration doesn't feel as good as women pretend it does. Granted, there is some sort of stimulation, but factually speaking, the inside of a woman isn't where her sensation comes from. I'm not going to get into the anatomy of a woman's parts, but we all know what I'm talking about... which is why if you have a guy who's perfected oral sex... you hold on to that sucker lol. 

        Sex, though, is confusing. All at once, it is the most beautiful thing between two people, while it can also be brutal and degrading. I mean... think of rape. There is nothing more violent than taking a woman without her agreement. There is nothing more violating and degrading. Sex is also one of the main ways men exert their power over women.With certain women, men can do certain degrading things. When you sit and think about it, there's something belittling about being on all fours. Sometimes, sex is how a man claims you. Saying how he "had" that. 

       I don't have sex for two reasons: 1. I'm simply not interested. Most of it is empty. I don't want to wake up next to just anyone... and if I don't want to spend the night with the guy, I'm not sleeping with him. Not to mention, then, I have to wash my sheets the next day... or right after it's done. I love clean sheets. I can't bring myself to sleep in that... especially not in the filth of a man I have no feelings for. Honestly, I'd rather just sit home. & Truthfully, there's more of a guarantee that I can please myself vs whether a man can please me. Chances are -very high chances-- that he sucks at those things he claimed he could do. At least I know what I like.  Number 2. I fear it. I fear (not only bed bugs), but the possibility of being fooled by sex. I know who I wouldn't sleep with simply because I might catch feelings. My heart and my body are connected. I can't promise myself that I can sleep with a man and think nothing of it. To want nothing more. To let him in and out of my bed without a second thought. I can't. So... I fear it. I can't allow myself to get caught up. On top of that, I'm afraid of letting a man take whatever I have left of me. I'll be the first to admit it, every time I ended with a guy, I either regretted having sex with him, or was relieved that I didn't. Relief is a much better feeling than regret, let me tell ya. In all immature senses of the situation, I really just like to be able to say, "You ain't hit this!"  because a far more impressive argument than, "Whateva, nigga."

       This has evolved from an accidental situation to a defining choice. Here's the thing, I can't be empty anymore. I can't prove my love through sex or ask a man to. I feel like the next time I'm involved to that depth with a man, it'll be a beautiful thing. It's also preparing me for the a future of fidelity. I don't think a person can really be faithful if they haven't had their sexual fill. I think this is why young relationship rarely work and why men who get famous leave the women who loved them. It's the possibilities that drive them out of their beds and into another. I don't want to be involved if it isn't with the man who cares for me. On top of that... there's this quote a teacher of mines said to my writing class once. It's this idea:

       If you fall in love with someone, and you never leave them, and you don't die first, there are only two ways it can end: Either he leaves you, or he dies. WTF, right? That's tough. When you fall in love with someone and give your life, these are realities. My mother has been single for years and I don't know how she did it. She went through divorce and death. Somehow she's continued on. I want to continue on. I don't want to be a "dating" mother. I want to love my husband and for him to love me. And if, God forbid, something were to happen to him, I'm not sure I could give me heart to another man again. This is all me speaking without experience but... that's just how I feel for now. I want to love my husband forever... I mean, that's marriage. That's  love. 

        In sum... my dear readers, when you're Googling "EllaThought Sex Advice," I can only give you so much right now. Because I can only speak on what I know... Granted, I know quite a lot, but I think it's important you know where I stand at the moment. Later on, I might be able to give you all some tricks and some pointers (lol) but, like I told my cousin who had been waiting on me to post, I gotta live it to write it. So when it comes to sex, to each his own, but me... I keep my own. Like I tell the guys I date, I don't sex. 

     

Say No to Dogs

 

I said yes to your momma and yes to you dating me. Yes we can be together but you gotta wait for me. The first time I say no, it's like I never said yes. 

 Beyonce - "Yes"

       Not all men are looking for just sex.  But some definitely are. Here's the thing: Men lie about not looking for sex the same way women lie about not looking for money.  Think about it. They give the same line: "I mean if he's/she's gonna give it to me, I'm not gonna turn it down." 

    This is a warning to the young women out there. If you think that all he wants from you is sex, you're right. If you ever have that feeling, it's true. If a man, at any point, gets upset when you say no, that should be your key identifier. If there is ever a "What are you gonna do for me?" then he doesn't care about you.  

     I'm no Nun. I'm no Saint. I'm only saying this because I've made the mistake in the past. Here's why. There's something about a young girl's mind that can't separate love from body and it makes us easy targets. We're predictable. Men know exactly what we want. They've seen the same sappy romance movies we've seen. They know the lines. Don't be stupid.  Don't be me. Rather.... don't be the me I used to be. The girl who was too afraid to say no because sometimes it felt like your body was all you had and if you could do things better than the girl who came before or maybe even the girl who would come after then you've really left your mark but the only thing you've left is your self respect. It's all empty. You gain nothing while he simply gains a story to tell. Now he can point at you and say exactly what it was he did to you.  Even if it was consensual, equal in the moment.. have you ever sat and listened to men speak on their "encounters"? The danger of a boastful man is second only to the vengeance of an angry man. And very swiftly, the word wifey turns to "hoe". 

    I'm speaking on this now because... I lived it. There's a particular guy I speak to on occasion who loves to... try to... sweet talk. He never really does a good job. The conversation typically veers off into what he thinks he can do. I can't lie, I was involved with him in the past... and it was one of the biggest disappointments I've come across. Not particularly due to skill... but for other reasons [read I Don't Sex.] and so, I didn't want to ruin the friendship we'd fostered. I still hung out with him.  While we were out, I asked him to bring me by a friend's house. He asked for a kiss. I turned my head. He got upset. In the end, I said forget it. That he could just bring me home. And he did. I knew there was something off because he could have swung by. He knew exactly where I had asked to go. But I'm not selling ass for a ride. 

"We''re broken up," he messaged me later. "I know," I responded. We haven't spoken since. 

     I've made mistakes in the past. I've been involved in situations that I wish I had handled differently. But, had I not made the mistakes I made, I'd have no ground on which to stand when I tell you that every single time you drop your panties, your value drops with them. 

    You don't have to do it. & I know the feeling. We get scared. We're afraid of upsetting this guy we think is so... hot. When in reality he isn't worth a damned thing. We want to impress him. We want to please him. To show him the things we could do and distract him from the rest of the tail out there because we've all heard the saying before "If you won't do it, someone else will."  So... Let someone else do it. What do  you need to sleep with him if someone else will do it? He can go to her for ass and to you for conversation. I mean... right? I know that doesn't fly... and sometimes a man also just wants to know if we have the ability to please him --it matters to him too --But please believe hunny, even if you don't do it, you still know how ;) Trust me. & If he wants to stick around... maybe, just maybe,  he'll be in for a treat. 

       I wish that I had had the strength to say no when it mattered most. I have a lot of respect for the virgins out there. Not sure how you did it. How you fought off the pressure that made most of us crack. I know that when I did it, I simply wanted to know. I wanted to know what it was like. What the big deal was. I wanted to know what my friends were feeling that was such a big deal. And I regret that.... wait... I don't really. I didn't love the guy, but he loved me. And I don't regret any of our moments together... and he was a superb choice to be my first... but my reasoning is what disappoints me. 

     They say you can't turn a hoe into a housewife. But a hoe gotta burn out at some point, I think. Just stop. I say this like it's smoking cigarettes, but I mean... I just hope y'all see the damage your doing to yourselves. The persona's you put forth. People can see when the respect is draining out of you. If you know a hoe... help her out before its too late lol. I know that sounds like a joke, but forreal y'all.... When a girl is letting herself go like that... there are other issues that need to be addressed. First and foremost, we need to address why she cares for herself so little.  Hoes need love, too lol.

      But back to the matter at hand. Sometimes, I think we women just want attention. It's ok. I understand. I'ma woman, too. Sometimes we'll fall back on old flames just to feel like someone out there wants us. And when you're wanted sexually, it's possible for that to be the moment you feel the most beautiful. So when the opportunity arises to feel beautiful arises, you weigh your options. You consider. This weekend, I considered.... and I just wasn't getting enough out the deal. I couldn't do it. And this would have been a "pass" since I've been involved with this guy in the past... meaning, it would add to my numbers -- Ladies know what I mean -- so it kind of wouldn't count. It's not like being with a whole new guy. Or someone I just met. It could have been comfortable. It would have been private. It would have been as secret as had been in the past. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wasn't.... feeling it. There was nothing there... and I'm just not that desperate. 

         I'm also not that dumb. I know that he threw out words like "beautiful" and "you're special" because those words are supposed to loosen belts and unzip zippers. 

"You always want something in return," I said.

"Me? You're the one who wants $600 shoes!" He yelled back. 

"It's not like you got them..." I responded, confused.

I mean... if he's gonna try to get some ass out of me, I'm gonna try to get some shoes outta him. It's what we have in common. So... that just reminded me of Beyonce's "Yes". I've never kicked a guy out... but this song is exactly how I would do it :)

You said I move too slow.

I showed you to the door. 

You said you'd call me later.

I said don't call no more. 

It is cool if you can't wait for me. 

I'm glad you let me know.

Cuz you showed me your true face, Baby,

The first time I said, "No." 

Thank you. I needed to know. 

Does Everyone Get a Soul Mate?

God, send me an angel from the heavens above. Send me and angel to heal my broken heart from being in love. Cuz all I do is cry. God, send me an angel to wipe the tears from my eyes. 
Amanda Perez, "Angel" 

I love that song. 

     For me, there isn't one song that describes heartbreak in a better way. No matter the guy or the time or the reason, this one song has always described the exact feeling I'm left with. Ladies, you should really listen to it. 

     I realized something yesterday. "Him" met me after work and accompanied me to Harlem (my new hood lol) to pay my rent. Afterwards, we went to a burger spot (next door to the one I told you about in "Table for One, Please") for a quick bite. He wanted to go to some soul food restaurant uptown, but I had been bugging him about whether or not he had homework and I refuse to be the reason his grades slip. I had a great time with Him. I always do. He holds my hand and leads the way. He towers over me as if to tell the world that I'm his. If he's not holding my hand, he has it placed on the small of my back and the truth is, sometimes you just want to be touched. Not in any sort of sexual way... but to have a little bit of a connection to a person. He always allows me to feel "connected"... even if we are just pretending. 

    And that's what I noticed... we're just pretending. It was a feeling of empty accompaniment. I was on this date.. but I still felt alone. I felt more at peace when I was by myself at the bar that night (you gotta read "Table For One, Please". I tend to refer to earlier posts. Keep up, yall! ). I hold his hand and don't look up at his face. Not because he's not attractive but because when I look at him I simply don't see it. I don't see where this is going... if it's going anywhere at all. And I know we all talk that BS (especially me) about taking it a day at a time and not planning anything for the future... but really? Can you really stop thinking about the possibilities? 

    For the first time in my life I am dating. Like really dating. I don't go to their houses and "watch a movie" and they don't come over mine. I have men take me out to eat and to see sites with absolutely no intentions (on my part). Sometimes I feel bad stringing them along. Because I'm not sure how much they are mentally planning. Sometimes you meet a guy and you know what he's thinking. He's wondering the possibilities and you happen to measure up to what his ideal is. Still, he scores too low on your chart. Then what? How many men I entertained all the while wishing he were someone else? How many men have done that to me? I'm not going to say I haven't fallen victim to the game. I have. I'm sure every woman has that one man who she liked more than he liked her. That feeling SUCKS. The difference lies in whether you pursue that person. Personally, I don't. I play along for a while... but I'm a sore loser so I always quit before I fail. 

     Is it wrong to keep this up? When I'm with Him I'm happy. He makes me smile. He's fun. He's a gentlemen --for the most part. And I'd like a little company. I want someone to go to dinner with. To take me to the movies or museum. I want to ice skate in the winter and go for ice cream in the summer. Mostly, I don't care who's comin' with. I'll go by myself, but the company of a man is different than anything else. Having a man take you out is a complete different type of company than family or friends and it's the total opposite of solitude. There is no replacement for it. With a man, you have that air of protection and belonging. You feel safe and wanted. When you're with friends... its all fun, no want. When you're with family, it's all safe, no want. It's the want piece that's different. 

**CLARIFICATION** I'm a straight female so my blogs will be girl/guy, but feel free to interchange terms as fits your situation. People are people, aren't they?  

      I know there is something missing between "Him" and I. There is no real chemistry. He likes to talk about how he'll "lay it down" and granted it's been a while... but I've lasted thus far. I can go without sex. I can't go without shoes & food (food second, obviously). He wants me physically.. but he doesn't want... me.  When I say me, I mean the essence of me. Everything that is me. Good or bad. 

      I'm not sure I believe in soul mates. Maybe "soul mates" is just a hyper emotional term for "Won't Kill Each Other". There was a trending topic on Twitter recently, #WhatWomenWant but truthfully, do we even know? I know myself and I'll admit it:.. SweetPea was right in "Baby Boy" when he called us  "Unstable creatures". I do, though, believe in that saying about people and reasons and seasons. You know it. I've learned a lot from the men whom I've (thought I) loved. They've helped me mature into the woman I am today. Some too early, even.

    The hardest part about believing them to be "the one" or that I missed is based on one singular fact: it ended. & "perfect", to me, means that it does not end. "Perfect" shouldn't hurt. Ms. Perez's song explains exactly how I feel even still now... this is pretty embarrassing but... there are times when I do cry. I get built up inside and simply can't understand all that happened and how it all ends. Where did we go wrong? More so, what did I do to deserve pain inflicted so deep I can literally feel in my heart and I can't bear to say his name? There are only a couple possibilities. Maybe he wasn't the one. Or maybe I haven't met the one yet. Or maybe I never will. I was on the phone with Carl last night & he said to me, "Aren't you glad you went though all that already. Imagine if you had to experience that now." He's right. Nothing against all you folk out there happy in love... but I'm glad I got the brunt of my pain out of the way. As I take steps to move up in my career and attempt to reach a point of self-actualization, I don't have anymore space in my heart or mind for pain.  

    There comes a time when you have to get passed sex. After you reach a certain point in your personal journey where you need to surpass sexual/intimate needs in order to reach Self-Actualization, per Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Still, you need to have this type of satisfaction. If you are not satisfied in these areas, you can't move forward. This then, leads one to question your true motives when pursuing a relationship with a someone. Are you looking for intimacy and connection or is it that you  can't deal with sleeping in a lonely bed? At first, all I wanted was company. There was a time, for me, when the simple company of men meant the most. No real reason, but we weren't exactly discussing Plato's politics. They weren't fulfilling me spiritually or mentally. And then the ones fulfilling me spiritually or mentally couldn't fulfill me in any other way.

     This is when the "Theory of Combination" arises. This hasn't been written anywhere before here because it's not scientific. This theory is simply a natural way of thinking...You know the... "If only he had A's face, with B's Body, with C's smile, D's style, E's Walk, F's ambition, G's Money....he'd be perfect." And it keeps going. "No one is perfect," is what people like to say. I despise that saying. Am I perfect in the grand scheme of things? No.  But should I be perfect for someone? Yes. Should he be perfect for me? Yes. People have their flaws, in comparison to larger society, but who says that I can't find a man's flaws perfect? And that he shouldn't think the same thing of mine? Why do we give up so easily on perfection? And why am I considered naive to search for it? When I lower my standards, I end up with a lower man. Maybe if I rose my standards and looked in better places, I'd come across the kind of perfect I'm looking for. 

      I'm just not sure my soul-mate is guaranteed to me. I know that man is out there, the man I want. But does he want me too? Or is perfect, to him, a definition I simply don't fit? Will my idea of perfection change over time? I mean, it has up till now; I used to like them tall, skinny and light-skinned with facial hair & now I like them big, built and deliciously brown. But if everyone out there is "settling," then my man might be out there settling for some woman who isn't me because he doesn't believe in me. If only we would believe, then maybe that could make it all possible. In faith all is possible. &I'm not quoting that because I don't mean it religiously. I mean that to say that if you have no faith, that dream isn't within grasp. You can't ride a bike if you keep thinking you'll fall. You can make the shot if you always think you'll miss. It's confidence that we're missing here. Confidence, self-esteem rather, is actually the step right before self actualization on Maslow's chart. If you have no confidence, low self-esteem, you've already failed yourself. You're preparing to live a life only half-satisfied. 

       Sometimes I believe. Sometimes I don't. IDK, see --I'm unstable.  And it changes from one sentence to the next. But truthfully, that's why I live E.O.E -- Everything over everything. Everything I want in life over everything that doesn't matter. I'm going to live for me and be happy and keep dating and takin all these niggas' money lol. 

Until I meet Mr. Perfect. & I'll only take half his money :)

Sex Craved Nice Guy.

Ma, don't give him nothing unless he treatin you special. Soon he'll get desperate and go down & bless ya. & When he come up for air --with a mouth full of hair -- just grab your Coach bag and get the fuc outta there.  

Jay-Z - Show You How

   I called two of my friends and told them, "I met someone." You ever do that? You think you've found a potential candidate, only to be left disappointed a couple days later as you go over the details you seemed to have missed. But here you are anyway. Exactly where you started. Expect with one more saved contact you'd rather not hear from. 

      The first day we went out, he was the perfect gentleman. Actually, he always acted the gentleman part... it was the speech that threw me off a bit. Sexual innuendoes practically fell from his mouth and I laughed along with the jokes partially from shock, partially because I was envisioning possibilities that shouldn't have even been brought to the table on date #2... another part of me simply smiled along because he said I have a nice smile. So why not? 

      Day two was when the hands started going places they shouldn't have. A little to far up the thigh. An accidental swipe as he held the door open. What do you say when this happens? There was a time when I liked the grotesque attention. I liked to be touched because I put as much emphasis on my body as men did... But at that time I was also 15, impressionable and --in one word-- stupid. Not much different from many other girls at that age I'd assume.  

      By day three, the conversation was walking a thin line where I wasn't sure what was a joke anymore.  The conversation was too seriously sexual. His jokes too often. To abrupt. Part of me played the "good girl" role as I asked, "Why do you talk so nasty?" So while he was "joking" with his sexual speech, he thought I was joking when I said he was "too dirty." 

      I've met this guy before. Not literally, but I've met his type. The type that shows you the utmost respect when they first meet you... and it deteriorates by the day. You can't spend too much time with these guys or joke too much because they get carried away. "Beautiful" turns to "Sexy". "Nice outfit" turns to "your fine ass" and it's no longer the same man. He thinks he's reeled you in and that soon enough he'll get what he came for. You take part in the less-than-appropriate conversation because "we're both adults" and sex is undeniably an important aspect of a relationship. Then he tests you. What can he do to get you to do the same? If he does A, will you do B? Will A + B lead to C? If not, what combination can get him to where he wants to be? And we all know where he wants to be. 

      Don't be fooled. There is NO (NOT ONE) man who doesn't want sex. The ones who say they don't want it are typically the ones who want it the most. THAT is their game. Maybe you'll be more willing to give it up because he "aint pressed" and he "don't need it." Sadly, it's really all bullshit and I'm not sure of a nicer way to phrase that. 

I've lost relations with many men because I refuse to lose respect for myself. 

      "I only spoil my girlfriends," he said. 

      "Perfect. Cuz I only have sex with boyfriends." I replied. 

      "Does that go for you receiving oral too?" He asked. 

      "Umm... No," I responded. "But it does for giving."

      "Only suckers eat for no purpose" ----> And he said he didn't want anything!!!!!!!!!! 

      "Only women with low self-esteem act against their morals at a mans request."

        Luckily these are relations I'd rather not keep up regardless. I don't care how good a man looks or how much potential he has. I don't spread my legs for strangers. & I don't put strange things in my mouth. If a man wants to do something for you, let him. But don't feel like you have to do anything in return. Ever. That's where women make the mistake. This dude sent me a picture of himself last night "in exchange" for one of myself. I opened that bad boy, said "hmm," and took my ass to sleep. Not to say I've never sent a picture, but I wasn't going to send him one. 

      Some people reading this blog hate that I stereotype men, but I really don't care. Because I've never even met and "exception" to the conclusions I come to. Here's my latest stereotype: Men always want something in return.  I've decided I'm going to start numbering the guys I meet and laying out their types. Because men come in types. & If this is the type you're dating... you'll see that particular guys follow particular patterns. They act the same way. Think the same thoughts. Say the same shit. Speak the same bull. The same is true for women, but I don't date women. I date men. 

       This guy is The Sex Craved Nice Guy. The one who says everything you want to hear, but acts a complete different way. They guy who loves your mind, but can't stop touching your body. They guy who wants more than sex but can't talk about anything else.  The Baller who takes you to Fridays. This guy preys on women who initially seem to have respect for themselves. They like the chase. They like the thrill of working towards something. Thinking that they can break through any female they pursue. These niggas haven't met Ella though. 

       If what you're looking for is sex or something that will get you satisfaction without the strings. Go ahead. Just be sure that that's what you want. But when you've made up your mind that you want more than that, don't sway in your own decisions. Be concrete in your feelings. Me? I want something meaningful. Something serious. & If that's not on the table, I fold. I'm out the game.