I Don't Sex.

It's gonna take more than one drink to get me home. I know you didn't ask, but I thought you should know; It ain't that easy, not that easy to go. 
 Keyshia Cole, "Thought You Should Know"         

       I mean, it's all people want to talk about right? It's like conversation gravitates towards sex. No matter the guy really. Eventually, you end up on the topic of you have or have not done. Sometime asserts themselves, claiming they could do some things if given the chance.

        It's that same "chance" they fail to understand. So here's the thing... it's been a while for me. After a "while" most people feel like they need it any way they can get it... but it's turned to the complete opposite. I feel like... ok, this is kinda, super gross but... anyone out there with a single, older mother might have come across this thought once: When's the last time my mom got some? My mom? She ain't had none in a long time. I can tell you that much. My mom hasn't dated since I was... 10 maybe? So... it's been round 10-12 years since she got laid. There was a point where I wasn't sure if I could do it. If I could be alone for that long. If I could go without being touched or held for such a long period of time... until I had no control over it. 

      I haven't been in a relationship since March. Haven't been continuously involved since April. Haven't tested the waters since July. (T.M.I? oh well. lol) With that said, I've had it once in the past 9 months. I'm going on 6 months completely without and actually... it's feeling pretty good. Honestly, I wish I hadn't had the one slip-up I did. Thing is, I needed to know if I needed it. And the disappointment I gained from the experience is what opened my eyes to the path I'm on now. We need a bit of elaboration, correct? It was empty. There was nothing. Thing is, I'm a bit of a performer, so I like to make it enjoyable for my partner, but I swear I could be a real-live actress. I mean, I was the Little Red Hen in the 3rd grade school play & did a pretty good job, they say. When I have a private audience, I'm damned near an award winner. Here's how you know it's empty: You're thinking. I was too aware. I was thinking about everything around me. Where we were, what it felt like, how we ended up there, how it would end, when it would end. I think sex is a beastly activity. By beastly, I don't mean "beastin' it," I mean, it's purely animal. It's instinctual. It's part of life. But as humans, there is something awesome in how we connect with one another... this is when we get wrapped up in what it means to make love. Even more awesome is what that feels like. 

        Love, both the feeling and the action, is incredible. It should... connect you. When you make love, the sex shouldn't even come to mind. & I'm not sure it's even making "love" forreal... it's just that, for me, sex needs something more. I've had enough detached experience to be tired of it as a whole. And to be completely honest, penetration doesn't feel as good as women pretend it does. Granted, there is some sort of stimulation, but factually speaking, the inside of a woman isn't where her sensation comes from. I'm not going to get into the anatomy of a woman's parts, but we all know what I'm talking about... which is why if you have a guy who's perfected oral sex... you hold on to that sucker lol. 

        Sex, though, is confusing. All at once, it is the most beautiful thing between two people, while it can also be brutal and degrading. I mean... think of rape. There is nothing more violent than taking a woman without her agreement. There is nothing more violating and degrading. Sex is also one of the main ways men exert their power over women.With certain women, men can do certain degrading things. When you sit and think about it, there's something belittling about being on all fours. Sometimes, sex is how a man claims you. Saying how he "had" that. 

       I don't have sex for two reasons: 1. I'm simply not interested. Most of it is empty. I don't want to wake up next to just anyone... and if I don't want to spend the night with the guy, I'm not sleeping with him. Not to mention, then, I have to wash my sheets the next day... or right after it's done. I love clean sheets. I can't bring myself to sleep in that... especially not in the filth of a man I have no feelings for. Honestly, I'd rather just sit home. & Truthfully, there's more of a guarantee that I can please myself vs whether a man can please me. Chances are -very high chances-- that he sucks at those things he claimed he could do. At least I know what I like.  Number 2. I fear it. I fear (not only bed bugs), but the possibility of being fooled by sex. I know who I wouldn't sleep with simply because I might catch feelings. My heart and my body are connected. I can't promise myself that I can sleep with a man and think nothing of it. To want nothing more. To let him in and out of my bed without a second thought. I can't. So... I fear it. I can't allow myself to get caught up. On top of that, I'm afraid of letting a man take whatever I have left of me. I'll be the first to admit it, every time I ended with a guy, I either regretted having sex with him, or was relieved that I didn't. Relief is a much better feeling than regret, let me tell ya. In all immature senses of the situation, I really just like to be able to say, "You ain't hit this!"  because a far more impressive argument than, "Whateva, nigga."

       This has evolved from an accidental situation to a defining choice. Here's the thing, I can't be empty anymore. I can't prove my love through sex or ask a man to. I feel like the next time I'm involved to that depth with a man, it'll be a beautiful thing. It's also preparing me for the a future of fidelity. I don't think a person can really be faithful if they haven't had their sexual fill. I think this is why young relationship rarely work and why men who get famous leave the women who loved them. It's the possibilities that drive them out of their beds and into another. I don't want to be involved if it isn't with the man who cares for me. On top of that... there's this quote a teacher of mines said to my writing class once. It's this idea:

       If you fall in love with someone, and you never leave them, and you don't die first, there are only two ways it can end: Either he leaves you, or he dies. WTF, right? That's tough. When you fall in love with someone and give your life, these are realities. My mother has been single for years and I don't know how she did it. She went through divorce and death. Somehow she's continued on. I want to continue on. I don't want to be a "dating" mother. I want to love my husband and for him to love me. And if, God forbid, something were to happen to him, I'm not sure I could give me heart to another man again. This is all me speaking without experience but... that's just how I feel for now. I want to love my husband forever... I mean, that's marriage. That's  love. 

        In sum... my dear readers, when you're Googling "EllaThought Sex Advice," I can only give you so much right now. Because I can only speak on what I know... Granted, I know quite a lot, but I think it's important you know where I stand at the moment. Later on, I might be able to give you all some tricks and some pointers (lol) but, like I told my cousin who had been waiting on me to post, I gotta live it to write it. So when it comes to sex, to each his own, but me... I keep my own. Like I tell the guys I date, I don't sex.