Lucky Number 7

It's about time I fill you in.

       7. That's how many "men" I supposedly met that night we went out to Club Rebel. Honestly, I give my number out to anyone who asks for it. "Seven?!" My cousin practically yelled in my ear, "Why so many?" "Because I could," I responded like the smart-ass I was raised but followed up with, "Seven guys means seven dates." At least it does to me. If I work it right, I can do a date a week. That's almost two months worth of entertainment. Some guys will want to see you immediately. Others will take a while to smooth talk into taking you out --but overall, you just get to meet people.  Why seven? Because I know that I don't like most men I meet. And some are tougher to coax into a decent date. Seven gave me a better chance than 3. & Lots better than one. The thing is,most men aren't deserving of your time. Thy think they're so suave. That they've said the right things. But they have no idea what they're up against. When you don't want a man, you don't want him. & it's been a tough battle finding what I desire. 

        Whore. You might want to call me that. But, in reality, it's just your own subconscious talking. Or perhaps your own inability to enjoy someone with becoming physically involved with them. I pity you. The way I work the situation is by offering nothing more and nothing less than the full truth.  I'm not looking for anything. We can be friends.  I'm busy. With those three phrases I've covered all bases. Here's what I've really said: I'm not interested in moving forward with anyone --especially not you --and even if I did, I don't have the time for it.  

    I don't go out on weekdays, I add when they ask when I'm free. This is my only (partial) lie. I like to keep men confined to the weekends. I don't lose sleep on men I don't know and if I am going to be a little late to work, it isn't going to be off of some random nigga taking my sleep time. If I've given you a weekday, you should understand the value of my time must be matched by the value of you. Now, you might think me cold. Unemotional. A bitch, even. Oh well. The thing is, allI want is a little entertainment. I don't want someone I have to tend to. I don't have the time for it. I also don't want him to feel like he'll be swimming in it anytime soon --if at all. 

        I don't do "Blockbuster" nights. I might be the reason Blockbuster went out of business. There are way too many men who want to lay up with you the first chance they get. You'll know how "into" you they are when you push for something other than a make-out session. The truth is, most men stop calling me because I just want to be taken out. But I've realized that... I simply don't want them all in my shit.  Men think that they can get you alone in a room and smooth their way into a kiss on the neck and move towards whatever else and, don't get me wrong, some can --but only if I want you too. You must be out of your mind to think that I want you all to do this. If I'm physically attracted to a guy -and want to take it to another level, there is no questioning how I feel. He'll know it. If you and I sit and have a conversation about how I don't have sex --a conversation I am well versed in, there is no chance, hunny. Some of these men just want company. Or they're too dumb to understand that they've lost the battle before it's begun. So when I'm asked what I like to do, I also give the real answers: I like to lay in my bed and tweet. Alone. I listen to music. Alone. I read. Alone. I let them know that I'm not looking for company, I'm looking for entertainment. My bedroom is not a venue. 

         I enjoy male company more than that of females. I like to be escorted. To be treated. I like to feel like I'm with a "protector". I can't get that when I'm out with females. That's when I  feel like the protector. That's why I date so much. I like male company -- but these guys won't play the fool for too long. Eventually, they get tired of taking me out with nothing in return. That's when I go back out and stack up on my next 7 dates. And to be honest, I love attention. When you're out with a guy, he pays attention to you. If he took the time to take you out, he actually likes you --at least a little. So when you go out with him, it's all smiles and compliments. You feel special. You feel wanted. Who doesn't want that? 

     Honestly, I don't think I'm a bad person. Actually, I think I'm a great person which is why I understand why these guys elect to take me out and continue to call once I've grown bored. There isn't a two-way connection. We aren't meant to be. You meet these guys and you know, from the jump, that it won't work out. That he's not exactly your type. His flaws are all too visible. But a girl gets lonely. And these boys help ease the pain. For an hour or so, you forget that your heart is somewhere else. Meanwhile, you get to eat some good food. & I prefer candlelight. So I apologize, but until the day my Prince Charming comes back to me, I'm going to take these boys for what they're willing to give. No more. No less. But I promise you, I let them all know in advance. 

      What's more bizarre is how 7 men can't add up to one. If you ain't the one, you just ain't the one. So I date them all, just to make sure. One date is all it takes. Actually... one exchange. One conversation. One glance. And they know it, too. There's no way they think I'm the woman they'll end up with. And if they do, it's because I, ultimately, wouldn't be a bad choice. But when that person is the one there is no doubt. It just is. 

      And so I've taken on a new route. I date. It's what I do. Because... people are awesome. You can have an amazing time with someone if you simply participate.  It's great conversation. And you get to pick out a killer outfit.  And honestly.... it's practice. Dating guys puts you into uncomfortable situations. You meet their friends when you don't want to. Parents in the most awkward places. You simply know how to be. You can actually talk to them. You can figure out what  men typically like and what they don't. Honestly, dating grooms you into the significant other you should be. Technically, I'm single. But I'm learning how no to be without my mishaps affecting the relationship I really want. 

This guy told be recently that I'm too vague... I'm working on that. But if you're trying to figure out what's really going on in my head..just stay tuned. I'm in a very FML situation and trying to clear my mind in the most appropriate order.

*sigh* 

More coming soon. 

World Wide Woman.

I'm a world wide woman, you can log on anywhere. My love will take you there. Beyonce "World Wide Woman"


Because this was a requested topic, there are 2 posts for discussion... this one is more why I okay'd a long distance relationship ("thing"). The other post, "Far [Fetched] Love" is more on how to make one work. 

     What I really meant to say  in the last post was... I could do it.  I would do it. I even want to do it. I know this because I sort of did do it. 

     When he was gone, I stayed faithful. I ignored the emotions. I overlooked the insecurities and he didn't even have to ask me to.  I did it because I know how. My last blog, "Far [Fetched] Love" goes into further detail on the hows... In this blog, I'll explain the whys:

     First off, I talked about my summer "thing" in the previous post, but let me clarify what it really was. He was a guy that I thought was... very attractive. He measured up well on both my genuine and superficial charts we all measure people against. Because of this, I deemed him worth it. Worth hanging around for. This first part of any long distance relationship is deciding whether or not its even worth waiting.  From the start, he let me know that he wouldn't be around and he rarely had time and, for me, it was perfect. And so it began and he left. We exchanged at least one text message a day, which made me feel like he was thinking of me. And really, that's all I wanted this summer... a bit of attention. To feel like someone, somewhere --anywhere --was thinking of me.  

Loneliness is what gets you. 

     This summer, I worked full-time. When I wasn't at work, I'd write, read, exercise, knit... anything to keep my mind off of being lonely. To have a good long distance relationship, you have to okay with spending a whole lot of time alone. You have to stay busy. The more you entertain yourself, the less time you have to concern yourself with what the other person is doing. If you can't be alone, don't do it to yourself. This is something you have to admit to yourself. Be honest, some people need the other person always around. It's not a bad thing, you just have to be real with yourself so you can be real with the other person.

      You have to want that person without needing them. This is why in the last post, I say that you "have to be in the right place personally for it to work ". You have to have a life of your own & entertain yourself. If you are in a long distance relationship, most likely, it is because someone is chasing a dream; a goal. For it to work, you have to have goals of your own. I was ok with the summer "thing" because I didn't need him. I was looking for a job. I didn't plan on being around much either. I was ready to chuck the deuces to Rhode Island the minute I got a job offer (which I did & did). If you're the one going away, the other person should understand your goals and fully support you along the way. 

     I was a long-distance relationship with my two best friends for four years. Even when we didn't speak, I knew they supported my every move. No matter where I end up, they don't question where I am and what I'm doing because they know it's something I have to do. Now, I know friendship isn't the same as a relationship, but it's a relationship nonetheless. And if you're in a relationship where you aren't equals, and don't value each other as equals, as friends, it won't last whether you're near or far. 

      I'd do it. But let me bear my truth to you. I'd do it for... an NBA/NFL/MLB player... (you pick the acronym) or business man who travels. Ok... I felt the eye rolls so let me explain. I'm an adult. With a full-time job so I'd require the same of my man. If he's away that much, there has to be a reason for it. The aforementioned men are the only one's who travel. "Business man" though, includes any job that requires travel but also pays very well. If he's making money, Honey, let his ass WORK and bring home that check. Never come between a man and his money unless you're at the register. Yes, girl. Update your Facebook/AIM/Twitter right now. Go ahead. 

     With that said... for the younger readers: I'd never do long distance for someone who is going away to college. Do you know how many people you meet? How many parties there are? You need to live college. & if you're boo is going away to college, they'll live college even if you don't. Oh & let the jail birds go. Ella don't accept collect calls. 

     I don't care what people say: People will tell you you're insane to wait --stupid, dumb, wasting your time and that he's probably fucking other girls. I don't listen to anyone. My friends tried to tell me to break the summer "thing" off. That he was "gaming" me. That I was going to get hurt. & I'll admit, it wasn't all roses (obviously since the summer "thing" quickly fell to fall) but I had a good time.  I know all too well that misery loves company and I refused to let myself work that way. I took a Gloria Govan type of role and simply didn't talk about the "thing" or things he said or things he did. I kept him to myself.  Oddly enough, the "thing" actually didn't fall off until he came back home. Maybe I'm better long-distance (he sure was. lol). 

     So I'd do a long-distance relationship with the right guy because I'm ready for it. I can be alone, be happy and be trusted. I couldn't always. But I can now. I guess what I'm saying is, that if my summer "thing" guy had asked me to do it... I would have... & that's what hurt the most about the entire ordeal. (sheesh... the truth sucks.)

Far [Fetched] Love

Still I left you for months on end, it's been months since I've checked back in. Well, somewhere in a small town, somewhere locking the mall down --wood grain, four and change, Armor All'd down --I can understand why you want a divorce now -- Jay-Z,  "Song Cry"

Because this was a requested topic, there are 2 posts for discussion... this one is more how a long distance relationship can work. The other post, "World Wide Woman" is more on why sort of chose to get into one.  
But this is the original piece (& I'm only one person), so expect the blogs to be somewhat similar. 

But it can work, right? 

That's what they say? That if you really try and make the effort, it can work.  Love is supposed to endure the tests of distance and time. But does it ever? That's the real problem. The only long-distance relationships I've known to last are... man... I've got nothin'. You? But then again, I don't know too many people truly in love either. Still, if Nicholas Sparks couldn't make a long-distance relationship last in Dear John, I don't know if us real life, regular folk have a chance. 

I'm going to be honest with you, though. I've never really tried. I've rarely made the effort to maintain a face-to-face relationship, never mind one that's long distance. It's not that I can't, I've just never found anyone worth it enough although I've had men tell me they wanted to hold on. Example: the boyfriend I had when I first went off to school (8 hours away) practically stalked me...  actually, literally stalked me. But I kept him around because he'd put money in my bank account and bring me snacks in bulk when he came to visit.  Ok, ok... that's really shallow but let me explain. 

I was worth it. 

He was a regular.... nigga (sorry, there is no other word) from the hood and I was a young girl on her way to college. A girl who lived with him that summer, cleaned for him, cooked for him, listened to him, encouraged him. I was his woman. 

But on my end, he was a guy I had had a crush on for ages. He was cute. He had a place of his own and I hated my mother. He had money and I didn't feel like working --with him, I didn't have to. I had a good time with him, but that's all it was. 

There's one problem with relationships in general: you can't read each other's minds. You don't really know how deep a person is in love with you if at all. Trust me. When I was younger, my friends and I used to give each other deadlines: one deadline to get him, the other to make him say "I love you." It typically takes me 2-3 months. [Please keep in mind, this isn't vanity or bragging. I'm just bearing my ugly truths to you. & people who know me  read these blogs so I can't lie even if I want to.] 

If both of you aren't willing to make it work, it won't. If you have to convince the other person, it won't work. & really, there's no way to gauge that because... well, people lie. Even & especially to the people they love. 

Words mean nothing. That's why long-distance is hard. All you have to go off of is their words. (Or you can Skype or iChat if your technologically with the times.) There remains that thought of, Is he/she really doing what they said? Where are they really? Who are they with? Aren't they lonely, too? These are all valid questions, but the minute these invade your mind... you're overcome with doubt and fear. Doubt & fear are strong feelings -- feelings people feel towards God, so no mortal can possibly be exempt. 

There are ways to make it more likely to work, though. I was in a... thing... this summer where I saw this one guy maybe once a month. I didn't talk to anyone else, not because he asked me not to, but because I didn't want to. He was worth it (I thought, lol). The way I dealt over that time was to not even think about what he was doing. I didn't clock watch or ask him where he was or why he hadn't called. I was confident that he would call.

If you want to do long-distance, you have to be ready to ignore infidelity. How do you think the Basketball Wives do it? They know... they just weigh their options. Sorta of like Ashanti's "Good, Good." If he loves you, he'll come back, so why worry about it? I'm not saying one should accept infidelity, just saying that cheating shouldn't take up all your mind space. No one likes accusations, no matter if they're true or not. & it just puts more stress on you. The key is to have respect. If he/she is messing around and everybody's seeing it & telling you about it, there's no respect. If he/she does something & you never find out... well, you never found out. BREAKING NEWS: Humans like sex. Both males & females. But females, I personally think that you need to deal with more than a man does. It's more socially acceptable for him to cheat (that's a topic for a whole other blog). Let's put it this way... girls take back men who cheat, men don't. So, either you trust each other or you don't. If you do, go for it. If you don't, break up. Period.

You also both have to be in the right place personally for it to work: for the young & inexperienced, this won't work. You will go to the club... a lot. You will  meet many many new people, including new friends. If you haven't finished living your single life --like completely finished, like... sit "home & knit", rather read a book on a Friday night finished-- then, no. A long-distance relationship will not work for you. 

If you do it, make it worth it. With my summer thing, I didn't make it "worth it" because he wasn't my man... but if he had been ;) You're significant other doesn't want to have a bad time when they finally see you, because it just feels like, This is what I'm holding on to? Now, I'm not saying sex per-say but... just a good time is all. For example, I was a back-massage & breakfast type of girl. Remind that person why they are keeping themselves for you. Make yourself worth it.

So, I(really)DK. I think that with the right guy, I could do it right for him. But would he do it right for me? Even now, I partially hope that my summer thing will come back. I've had private conversations with myself about waiting for him until the next time we meet again. I know that's dumb... but when you think someone's worth it... everything you do is dumb. It's a gamble you have to assess and wage according to your personal standards, beliefs and experience. What I've written here is simply my take. 

Would I do it? Yes, for the right man. & only because I've had my fun & in the right place in my life for it. 

Would've came back for you. I just needed time to do what I had to do. Caught in the life. I can't let it go. Whether that's right, I will never know... but here goes nothin'. - Drake in Rick Ross's "Aston Martin Music"