I feel like I haven't really written for myself latley. Everything has been for you all. I'm not complaining, its been fun. But everything I do is wrapped up in this blog. I feel like a foreigner of the entire world taking pictures of pointless things just to show you all what I've seen. Just to share. Sometimes I get wrapped up in business for so long, I lose rack of myself. It's not always the best desicion. I stress myself out. The road to perfect is not an easy one. deliberation weighs heavy on the brain and nothing is ever perfect. Imagine going after an impossible goal day after day without faltering. While overcoming the hiccups in the faith you have in yourself, nevermind a diety.
My friends have been showering me with compliments lately. I'm lightheaded off respect. People say they love the blog. My partners are pulling their weight. My boss compliments my ethic. My peers voice their admiration. People I've never met know my name and speak highly of me in the most appropriate of instances. Most of all, my mother is enjoying my spirit. My soul is intact. I'm even reading the bible now. I'm alone in the world but I bought an alpalca cape in Vegas. I'll keep my own nights warm. I've never felt this strong. I've never felt so much growth within myself. I need everyone to keep up. The wheels have been well oiled and won't cease to spin for a while now. My mind has expanded. I am capable of so much more than I had imagined --and I've always had very high expectations of myself. I have very few dreams. I prefer to consider those thoughts while I'm conscious in order to capitalize off of them.
I've been sitting quietly with myself for a while now. I'm grateful I've been able to maintain my original persona thus far. The key to happiness is to understand yourself. The one thing you need to understand about yourself first --no matter who you are-- is that yourself needs love. From yourself. You've got to take the time to understand the root of your flaws and tend to each of them singularly. Don't like your stomach? Work on it. Don't like your hair style? Grow it out. The second step is to simply accept yourself. You know, those things you cannot change. He was right. Understanding and acceptance are the guides to serenity.
I am no God, but I work goddamned hard. So when I come home from work, all I want to do is roll an L, pour a glass of wine and look out over the city skyline. Matter fact, all I ever want to do is roll an L, pour a glass of wine and do whatever activity fits in the time left over. I want to be happy. I don't want o care about anything I don't have to worry about. I've been waiting for a "response" since... wait... 6 days now. I asked a friend today how long I'm supposed to wait. Even better, I asked him, how long should I even care? He said 5 days. At this point, I'm one day over the limit. Truly though, I never gave a damn. Not about him --I care deeply about him. He's a beautiful person. But I don't give a shit whether or not he calls. I don't want any forced phone calls. I want to be desired. Needed. Required. If I fall second to something, I fall off the map. Remember Rule #1: Never be number 2.
I'm too happy to worry about where some man is at. I have too many checks to cash to fuck up my diligence worried about the condition of someone else's heart. If someone wants to be by your side, then that's where they are. And if that person needs to take a week or two or three or 68... it doesn't matter a bit to me. Until the day I and a man are ready to make the real move, I can't be bothered to be bother. I've got a blog to write. A promotion to go after. Emails to send. Phone calls to make. Dinner to cook. Laundry to do. A mother to call. A godson to save up for. You gotta be kidding me. I've got responsibilty. And if not that much at the moment, I plan on having plenty later and if you're not going to be beneficial then, I'll see you around, Daddy.
My priorities have changed. Once again, love has fallen to the back. It simply isn't moving as fast as everything else. While I'm always up for it (you all know me), things are going fairly well at the moment. Love should not have to be maintained. It should persist through the worst. So I'm worried about the actions I'm making in the moment because at the end of it all, if love is mine to have, it'll be mine to have. It's the only thing you don't really have to work for. Love is love. People who love you love you at your very worst. People who love you don't complain when you're gone, they just miss you. They don't need you around, they just wish you were. Still, they're grateful for whatever breath of air you're breathing in at this very moment and wish the best for you. People who love you try to make your life as easy for you as possible. They want to take all the stress out of your life and would take it from you if they could. The person who loves you wants nothing more in this world than to see you smile. And they will do anything to get that smile for you. So the man who stresses me out, who makes me worry, who plays games... that man has no consideration for me or my happiness. He doesn't care that worrying about him might interrupt my thought and the last thing it'll do is put a smile on my face. That man has earned himself a strike.
True love is selfless. I haven't gotten through the whole bible yet, but I'm pretty sure I get the point of it already. The point is to love one another. To rid oneself of the evil within us that causes us to hurt others. We all go through it. Each of us has that story. Unfortunately some have too many. We experience things in life we wish we hadn't and that sometimes, no one ever should. And those things pull at us from the inside out. We try to pretend like we're stronger than the emotions we have inside of us but until you let those out, you'll never be at peace. You've got unsolved memories running through your mind that you need to understand. These experiences have shaped you. They are obstacles. You must figure out how to conquer each of them. These are tests like any other. Some pass some fail. Some fail and fail and fail. You decide what you'd like to do. I've already made up my mind.
The top is there. Meet me?
xoxo
Ella
