Fat-Phobic

      I'm afraid to get fat.  When I was younger, my friends & I used to make fun of fat people. Incessantly. Cruelly. Unabashedly. And... quite... effectively. Poignantly. Spot on, even. We'd blow our cheeks up with air, circle our arms down by our stomachs and wobble from side-to-side. We weren't spot on? lol. I just think more of us have done that than are willing to admit. I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying it should be done. I'm saying... it's what happens. Like how when you're on a bus/plane/train and you see that big person about to board, we all think, "Awwe Mann," as we put our bags on the chair next to us and pretend we're sleep. The same way you judge the big person ordering ahead of you and mentally say to yourself, "You know what you want. Acting like you ain't been here twice today." I mean... #guilty. 

     At a certain point... I realizd it was wrong. & perhaps weight is something of a "minority" status in a sense as many claim it to be. My only argument against that though is that... it's something you have a choice on. Talking about weight always seems to be a touchy subject.. but If I'm going to dig myself a hole, I may as well get comfortable in it. I don't believe you all are "big-boned". I believe you all eat-way-more-than-you-need-to. And it is sooooooo easy to eat more than you need to. I've never successfully counted calories, but 1 pack of instant oatmeal is 150 cal.  A person only needs 2,000 a day. That means that 7.5% of my cal are done after that oatmeal.. not counting the 2 packs of sugar, half a banana and tall cup of coffee with whole milk (cuz I weened myself off of half-n-half).

     Granted, it's not something that should be held against people.  I mean, weight doesn't define a person. & As much as I'm talking about it now, I don't doubt people who are heavy-set think about their weight themselves. We all like to pretend that big people are happy being big.. I mean... some are. I believe most aren't.  I don't care how hot Bow Wow's  "Big Girls" song was... I dont think anyone wants to be overweight. Mostly because of the physical appearance. Secondly because of the health risks. But, I think it's fair to say that we're our own toughest critics, unless it comes to weight... When it comes to weight... the world is pretty fuckin harsh.

     So yea... I'm afraid to be fat because of how easy it is to get fat. A bigger reason?  Cuz I was already. Like... not huge, but big enough that I was technically overweight according to doctor's visits. I was the biggest one out of all my friends and kindly enough.. they blamed the extra weight on my backside. & honestly... I was afraid to work out because I was afriad to lose it. I was afraid it wasn't... real. I don't mean fake like... implants fake... I mean fake like, Her ass ain't fat... that's FAT on her ass. I was always self-conscious when it came to my body & most of all my weight. Thing is, I never had breasts, but I had this gut. A gut that Erik once pointed out when were were in Mr. Decelles class in the 8th grade. & Erik had a right to say what he said. I called him fat first. & I said it with conviction. Whole time though, I had my tummy popping out the fluorescent pink, button-down shirt (littered with hearts in other fluorescent colors) that I happened to think was the flyest shirt I owned. 

I dont think I ever wore that shirt again. lol

    A big reason I can't ever be fat again is that... want to be friends with my sister. You see, I truly believe my sister was one of those "pretty girls" in high-school.... and... always. You know.. Small & Spanish looking. Her moles are the reason they call them beauty marks. & Truth is, my sister was meaner to me before. Maybe not mean... we just weren't cool. I really don't think she liked me being fat. She told me one time that she's prejudiced against fat people, and I couldn't hold it against her. I mean... one of the toughest images to stomach is the stomach on a fat person while they're eating McDonald's. No offense, I'm just saying... So... I quit the Mickey D's... a while ago actually... but then gained "boyfriend weight" when I spent to much time with the last (you know the weight you gain cuz all you want to do is be near him... so all yall do is cook, eat & watch TV?). He'd told me I needed to work out... jokingly of course... and I agreed. But while I was at the gym... he was putting on some lbs. "If I get fat, do you think they'd fire me?" I asked my brother-in-law a couple weeks back. "Yes," he said - no hesitation- I'd fire me, too, though. You should see the women I work with. Only people more fit than they are are the gay men. 

Ricky; Before & After

     I saw a special on... IDK some basic cable channel I have... And Ricky Lake was on there. I'm on the young side for Ricki Lake, so I only know her from her TV show. Apparently, before that... she'd been pretty, pretty big. And she just kept getting bigger. Initially, it was cool because she landed the lead role in the original "HairSpray" and that character was supposed to be heavy-set. Eventually, though, there were no more "fat girl" roles to play. During her interview, Ricky confessed that she starved herself and lost weight. She said that sometimes, when she went to bed hungry, she felt like she was doing a good thing.

    I gotta admit. I've thought that before. Last night even. Sometimes, I just push it off and figure I'll just be extra hungry for breakfast. Aren't I supposed to be hungry for breakfast?  Really though, I push it off because when you eat  before going to bed, you don't have a chance to burn those calories off... so you eat most during the day, when you have the rest of the day to work it off.

     So recently, I've gotten scared of being Anorexic. Go figure huh? People keep commenting on how much weight I've lost but it's really hard to tell it on yourself. The same way you can't see if you're getting fat is the same way you won't notice if you're looking sickly. I would hope someone would tell me  but you can only take people's comments so far. People used to seeing me at my fat stage might think I've lost too much weight. People who are smaller might find the size I am now to be more attractive. IDK. So I've been chopping up shit I don't really eat (tomatoes, peppers, raw mushrooms, celery) into my salads and sandwiches with an underlying objective to "get my vitamins".  IDK what that means but my mom always says it in Spanish.. "Tu nesecita tu vitamina," and things are typically more convincing in Spanish. Even more so in Dominican.

      Overall, I really just want to be healthy. But if I'm speaking without reservation, I don't want to be fat. Maybe TMI, but now, when I look at myself, I like what I see. Anorexic or not. lol. I know I shouldn't joke about that but, that's the kind of body I want. I want the type of body, as my sister says, "girls starve themselves for." Except, I want to eat though. & Throwing up ain't for me.( I'm a drama queen when it comes to throwing up. & it smells. So. Bad.  I Caannt.) Ricky went on to say that people never gave her attention like she did when she finally got skinny. She said she's never felt better. Girl, I know. Trust me, if you lose a little weight, people treat you better. 


       So I'm trying to watch myself. I make sure I eat 3 meals a day. Even if the last meal is a PB&J. I eat Breakfast every morning. & I only work out once a week... for like 20 minutes lol. I'm not a hard core dieter. I'm I'm half assed with most of the things I do. Dieting & working out are no exception... matter fact... Maybe I can give you some tips on Losing Weight: What Worked for Me.