Sideline Ambition

            I'm trying to discipline myself.  See I've got this 10 to 7 thing & its buttering the bread, but it's not quite cutting it. My dreams are far too lavish and my list of obligations too long. The ladder here has far too many steps and I'm not sure how long I can wait for a corner office. A lot people talk that ambitious shit; others live it.  Both J Cole (link) & Wale (link) have dropped albums with no intentions other than eatin. It's tough out there. The homie Brittany, writer of Only1Spotlight.com, has been tracking Mr. Folarin's moves for weeks now. Makes you sit and wonder if he's ever considered taking her to lunch. Makes me consider how I could make it happen. See, this is boss shit. Boss shit is when you have to think, not only of yourself, but of those around you. Still, even as you think of yourself, you are the one to benefit greatest. Some people are too good to be bosses. Me? I'm a bad person. I babysat evil for long enough to anticipate it's actions. There's nothing it can do to me. 

             The only person who can do for me is me. This is the starting line. This is when I face myself in the mirror and tell myself everything I'm capable of. My aim: To strike fear in my fear. I always look myself in the eye. Anywhere else, I tend to get distracted. I see the things I don't like. Insecurities creep through and make room for doubt. I question. I don't like that. I don't like questions and I don't like the idea of my not supporting myself 150%. Looking back at all i've accomplished in my life... there are people who missed out an very important events in my life. I never missed one though. So while I might be my only opponent, I am also my #1 supporter. 

             I can't separate myself from "normal" people quite yet... but I do anyway. Like most people I like to have my ideas justified. I need to know if it's plausible. But unlike most people, I don't speak on my dreams until I see there is some potential behind it. Unless there's going to be some action behind it.  I wouldn't embark on a trip across the ocean in a raft. Unless a raft was all I had...but I'd still be alright, though. I know how to swim. So I've started on Plan C. Plan B is this blog & Plan A is is my real job: I give precedence to whatever is most lucrative at the time. There was a time I hoped Plab B would exceed A, but I needed something in addition. Maybe it's greed. Maybe in seeing my own brilliance I've tried to tap into everything I could possibly offer this world and maybe I umm... "came up in it a little bit self-centered" but if I have brain power (and time) I'm not using, I might as well try to make some money off of it. 

       The biggest issue with reaching your dreams is establishing your priorities. There were some dreams I had long ago that were put on hold because they simply weren't plausible. It's tough when you have to consider finances for your dreams. Shit ain't free. Kim said it best, first, you need the money. Some people notice that far too late in the game but I've been stackin chips. Not only to let the wealth accumulate, but my knowledge as well.  My homie Silver Spoon June said, over a nice L, "take this time working for someone else to invest in yourself," Sounds nice, right? (check him & his music @ so7eighteen.com) but how long can I really do it? And how much work am I putting in to get out of the situation? Are we making moves like we pretend to? Or is this all talk? And once you get there... then what? Plan B, bitch, that's what. The brainstorming should continue as long as there's money to make out there. Sometimes, people stop too short. The ambition they once claimed to have runs out. They settle. They are content but I've never been quite satisfied with much. I've made promises I aim to keep. 

       I encourage you to put more kindle in your fire. Brick your foundation. Life moves faster than you notice when you're not paying attention. But if you would just keep a close eye on the minute at hand, I'm sure you could take advantage of it somehow. Time is bitch. I tie her up and go ham, forreal. That's how she likes it. I take my time. I do it right twice. I'm so fuckin focused fam. Some say on the wrong things, but what would I look like altering my goals for supporting characters? My legend is simply waiting to be written. As is yours, so long as we understand they're all different books. You can't write the chapters of your life until you've lived them, right? Otherwise, it's fiction. But this shit is real. The next move will be a real-life movie. A documentary, trust me. 

     Part of me wanted to inspire you all to work just as hard as me. I want to guide you to make Plans A-Y like me (I keep Z free for spontaneity). Bust your ass like me. Brainstorm like me. Plot like me. Walk like me. Talk like me. But I'm certain that there is only one me just as certain as I am that there is only one you. Everyone takes their own time getting to goals but shit... some of you need to get to movin'. I'd give you the secrets to it all but I need some sort of leverage don't I? And I can't possibly pretend to care for the entire world... someone out there wants my spot just as I want yours. Or someone else's. Whatever the fuck your goal is... you've just got to stay focused. Too much can take you off track.... especially men. But if you fall off track, remember that it's only you who loses. Work wisely.  

Be careful. Stay focused. If you need a blueprint of how to make it off the sideline... stay tuned. 

xoxo

Ella. 

Arrogantly Humble.

     I been real all my life, they confuse it with conceit. Because I will not lose, they try to help them cheat. What I will not lose, even in defeat, is a valuable lesson learned --so it evens it up for me. When the grass is cut, the snakes will show.

-- Jay-Z; "Blueprint 2"

     I'm sick and tired of people describing themselves as humble. I've met many a man who, in this #TypeOfPersonThat conversation, goes on and on about how humble he is, the things that make him humble, the people who call him humble. I was once seeing a guy who always talked about how "humble" he was. He talked about it so much actually, that I never got a word in. About 5 months after we started talking, I mentioned my sister. You have a sister? he asked. It would have come up if after the 45 minute conversation about his  family, if he hadn't said, "I'm sorry, I have to go. We can talk about your family next time." It was a very WTF moment... but he was cute, so I dealt. If you were truly humble, you'd shut your humble ass up once in a while.

      I'm sorry for the apparent anger, but my distaste for this type of person seems to accumulate by the day. The people who claim they want to be doctors and caregivers and pastors and things of the sort simply to gain respect. 

    Why? You ask them, Why do you want to do that? 

    Because I can help people, they'll respond, because it makes me a better person. 

     Ok. If you say so. I'm not disagreeing. The people in these practices do make a difference in the lives of many. They do indeed save lives. But I'm not sick, they don't do much for me. & your career doesn't necessarily define you. If it did, the priests wouldn't be touching little boys and Honest Abe would have been honest about his intentions with the Emancipation Proclamation. So many people have pipe dreams about saving the world simply because they want to be regarded the hero at the end of the day. That is not selfless. A hero cares nothing about admiration, he does what he does because of an internal longing. Neither does the hero judge another. 

     I went on a date last night with a guy who want to be "a doctor" or so he says. Seeing how he's already 25 years old and without a Bachelor's, there are some obvious obstacles lying in his path. He might not think so, but I know people in med school (shout outs to Michelle G., You might not be reading this but, get it girl! That's AMAZING.) and I can admit that I don't have the patience or even the capacity to chase that dream. AND med school comes after your four years of college. I aint got it.


    La vida de fasionista, eso no es vida, he said to me. In English, that means, "A life concerned with fashion is not life."  In reality he meant, Ella, your career is stupid. 

     For me to be a good person, do I have to save lives everyday? Why is it that we have to announce our humility to the world in order to gain respect? Aren't humility and true good nature based in doing things without needing to be recognized?  Agape, in a sense? If I care about my own well-being and my own happiness, does that make me a worse person?

     Why does everyone want to be a doctor? (Or any other "selfless" profession for that matter,) Is it truly to help? Is it for the money? If you truly want to be a doctor only to help, you should only use enough money to eat, pay rent and buy an outfit when yours literally falls apart. The rest of the money you should give back --or even better,  use it to help your patients pay for those expensive practices you are performing. If medicine was truly as selfless as its students claim, health insurance wouldn't be so expensive and doctors wouldn't be so rich. 

   And so at this date, there we sat. At opposite ends of the table and opposite ends of the ladder. He showed up carrying a slim issue of Men's Fitness wearing the same outfit he has on in his Facebook profile picture (yes, I stalked him after the date). I, on the other hand, showed up with Elle Magazine's 507 page, 25th edition issue (the one with Gabby Sidibe on the cover) in my Longchamp, as I carried 2 full bags of Calvin Klein Collection (not CK, not CK Jeans, the runway shit, thanks.) while wearing open toed, black, heeled booties and the slickest sheer, 3 quarter sleeve Armani Exchange top to compensate for my lack of labels elsewhere. But then again, neither one of us were dressed like doctors now were we? He cares about what he looks like on the outside, that's why he wore his favorite outfit to come see me. I care what I look like, too. & I wanted him to see me in my heels with all my shopping bags so that he knows I got my own and that I will clean his ass out if he gives me the chance. At least I can admit it.

     I like to dress well. Well well. Not Sean John, Rocawear well. I want Balenciaga, Alexander Wang well. I like money. I like things. I like being able to Keep Up with the Smiths... or the Kardashians, they'll do. Meanwhile, he was two people within himself and doesn't quite know which to choose. At one point, he was a selfless lover of medicine. At another, he was talking about the BMW he was planning to buy. Who are you really? Better question: Who are you to judge me? 

     Time after time, people have put down the decisions I've made and written them off as ill-advised plans. People told me that going to private school was a waste of time, until the time came when I had all my credits and they were missing theirs. Then I went to college. People told me my major was too easy and couldn't get me anywhere, until graduation came and went, and now I set feet under desk, while their trying to get their feet under themselves. 

    A humble person doesn't brag about how humble they are. And a person doing well for themselves doesn't put down those who have made different decisions.  I could have went off. I could have asked him to answer me truly why he has no car and lives with his mom and is 25 without a degree yet claims he "makes money". But I don't judge people. The thoughts have through my mind, but I chose to accept him as a person no matter his decisions. Funny, I had to make exceptions for him and where he is in his life, and he sat there judging me and how far I have come. Then he had the nerve to tell me my life isn't a life.

     So you know what, because I'm such a terrible person, I'm gonna break his bank. Because he's too stupid to see how intelligent I really am. He can be a doctor all he wants. I wish him all the best. Heal illness. Save lives. I still think he's moronic, self absorbed and on a quest for himself that I don't have the patience to see him through.

Meanwhile, I've got a profession of my own. I'm not a gold digger. & Eff a platinum digger. I'm a stocks & bonds, mortgage, life insurance, savings account Digger: I crack codes. I open safes. And that's why I didn't even reach for the bill. And that's why I never will. And that's why he'll be around until my iPhone is replaced.

     This is what happens when you date a dumb girl who is only concerned with clothes. She turns out to be a college educated woman with a career and knows her fashion history. Who will tell you that if your Christmas gift for her doesn't say "Louboutin", "Hermes" or can at least be appraised (got to make sure you word is true) you just shouldn't bother yourself because she'll get herself something better than you can afford and I don't want to hurt your feelings.

You don't cross a woman like this.

& That's why we're taking it slow because I'm not ready and I don't like guys who push up on me and he'll be around for Christmas.

Open bank. Closed legs. I'm also a magician. 

Like my cousin Harold would say, Palomo. (In Spanish. that means something not so nice, but we'll say "sucker" here.)