Recovering Hypocrite.

But I needed to grow. And I needed to know were there some things inside of me that I needed to show? So I just deaded you. Left you in all black. -Nicki Minaj, "Dear Old Nicki"

      It's like I have stories to tell but just can't find the words... I know what I want to talk about, but there are so many questions I need to answer for myself first -- before I even figure out where the words go. I've been sitting and listening to music all day. Trying to figure out exactly what I'm feeling. Sometimes, I feel like music speaks for me. I mean, someone else has already thought out the words for me...

& I just so happen to land on loves songs.  

         Let me start off by saying that I've never been prouder of myself. You know you've reached a certain point with yourself when you have the desire to sit back and applaud, but all you can do is sit in silent appreciation of the decisions you've made for yourself.  

     So here it goes. I want to talk about things I shouldn't talk about. & part of the reason I blog is because it's kind of like talking to myself. I understand me. I know me. But the most dangerous part about this is that I always agree with myself. There's an ounce of strength in this. It's the sense that if I make up my mind about something, no one can make me waver. I stand firm in my decision. The only person who can make me change my mind about something is.... I. 

    This is when I flip to Jay for moral guidance. On Reasonable Doubt, he told me "Never Change". And I stood by that. I really did. I was afraid to change. In my eighth grade yearbook, Sabrina wrote "Don't eva change. Your mad chill aight." Now that might embarrass her a bit, but I know because I made a collage with that cut out in it.  Thing is, I never wanted to change. I loved me. I had no regrets. I made many mistakes but made them all with determination.... But it happened. I changed. And I didn't know how to deal with it. 

     All of a sudden, I was dealing with comments I had never encountered before. Things along the lines of "You got a little white girl in you," things like that. Things I didn't know how to respond to. I mean, it happened for a while. With me going to a private school and all. The topping was me living in the only one-family house on my block. I was one of the only people I knew with an upstairs. Now, I'm not going to get into a sad story about how truly broke we were when I was growing up. Everyone's tired of the "struggle" story... as am I. So when I got to Loyola, and the kids up the block at Morgan State, an HBCU, commented on how stuck-up and spoiled us Loyola girls were, we capitalized. The Loyola Ladies were born. Our mission: Be pretty. Be classy. Party hard in pretty dresses with pretty drinks. It was beautiful. It was when I first embraced "girly"ness. I went from the tomboy at home to the girly-girl at school. Pink infiltrated its way into my list of favorite colors. I wanted every dress I owned to have sequins on it. The higher the heel, the better. I used to go home and get into fights at the club. Held my own, might I say. Even when the competition was 2 maybe 3 times my size. While I loved that me.... I couldn't keep it up. My friend Lisa and I almost got into a fight once. In the heart of Baltimore. Now... Baltimore bitches do not play. This I know. & All I could do was grab an empty liquor bottle an brace myself. Luckily, nothing happened... but I didn't like it... it wasn't... cute. 

       That was my first change: I was no longer a fighter. I didn't want to have anybody's back. Parties were much better when people wanted to take pictures with you... not fight you. So... I kept it moving. Avoided drama. Meanwhile, I perfected my English. I dropped my madd's, yo's and a lot of other things. I'm proud of this change. I recommend it.  & felt backed in my decision by my Guru. In Drakes "Light Up" Jay told me "I promised it wouldn't change me, but I would have went insane had I remained the same me." And I've never vibed with my man Hov more than in this line.

      & I really fucks with Nicki's "Dear Old Nicki" because it explains this same exact predicament.

I Had To Make Them Changes, I Hope You Understood
You See For Every bad, I Did A Ton Of Good
But You Was Underground, And I Was Mainstream
I Live The Life Now, That We Would Daydream
My Only Wish Is You Come Enjoy It With Me
Get On Them Conference Calls, Go Meet Them Lawyers With Me
The Money Came Yea, Tripled And Quadrupled It
But I Still Miss Us When We Was On Some Stupid Shit


      I felt I had to let go of that edge. I couldn't be so rough. So... ghetto. IDK how else to explain it, but who I was really doesn't translate into the office. I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't changed.  But there are parts of who I was that I admire. That I miss. That I hope are still somewhere in me. But just like Jay ends the verse in "Light Up" I gotta say "Fuck Niggas. Bitches, too. All I got is this money. This will do." I just feel like... you can't get out the hood if you don't leave.... at least for a little.

        How can you trust in someone who doesn't know when to change when the situation demands? I'm trying to remember where I heard that... if I knew I'd cite it... but I can't so watev... Sometimes, you have to be okay with change... no matter the backlash. For example, two years  ago, I met my friends in NYC for a day shopping trip. Please believe I copped myself knockoff Damier Louis V bags-- Azur and Ebene -- and a monagram Speedy for Lisa. I was fake flyy. But as a sophmore in college, at least I had fake fly. While I was in the club, I doubt anyone had a real bag. The white girls I went to class with? Hell yes, their's were real. That's why I left my bags in my room & they only came out at night. The other day, I saw some grown bitches Facebook profiles. So... they were partying with "celebs" holding onto what looked with knockoffs. (I'm just sayin... if you can drop 4 digits on the bag, you should be able to drop as much on the outfit no? That's my telling characteristic). So I posted on FB about how I'd rather have nothing than to front with fakes. Thing is, I've never worn a fake anything anywhere I shouldn't. The girl behind me at work puts her Prada up on her desk every morning.  I can't embarrass myself. Which is why all my knockoffs were in blue bin on the corner of Lenox & 142nd soon as I got my shit outta storage. (Shoutouts to whoever picked them up. ) My homie caught the post and brought my hypocrisy to my attention [that's wat friends are for]. She said I was the "first" out there buying them bags. I was. in the 6th grade to be precise. I had the monogram black canvas with the colorful LV's with a matching watch and bracelet. 6th grade :) lol. So yea... it's about that time for me to change my mind, if you all don't mind. I'm officially anti-faux labels. My apologies to all those who new me while I was young, broke and full of aspirations. But I'm here now. Shit changed. Like... I can now afford real bags. (I mean, that was all I had as a response for her. lol)

         Still, I'm trying to not go against my word as much... unless I have to. When it comes to fashion and trends, please allow me to change. For that is the nature and beauty of fashion. Shit comes in. Then it goes out. "Fashionable" just means you can keep track of it all. The one thing I can't change my mind about is... me. I wrote in "When He Left Me" about how my ex told me I don't "deserve as much as [I] think [I] do." Unfortunately, that's something I simply can't change my mind about. I think.... No... I know that I deserve everything I dream of. I work fucking hard. I am a damned good woman. So when I say that a man can't have me, or that he isn't doing enough for me, I have to stop letting him back in. So.... ______ hit me up this vacation. But not exactly in the way I wanted him to. I don't know why he hit me. Or what was on his mind.... or if he meant any of the things he was saying to me... Meanwhile, I had been wondering if I should write him a little "Merry Christmas" and remind him of me but luckily fought myself and decided not to. When he finally sent me a message,  my heart beat furiously in my chest... and I responded to each message. Still, I knew I couldn't let him back in. As I exchanged messages with him, I smiled. I remembered. I reminisced. I missed him. I.... miss him. And I know it. But I can't let him swoop in last minute and go against everything I've had to tell myself simply to get over him. I still have the same complaints. I still feel like he doesn't deserve my attention. So after I entertained the conversation, I went about my day. If he wants to chase me, he's welcome to. But I won't think about him anymore than I should. & I told him that. & I was proud of myself... because unfortunately, I did like him....  But... He's a couple months too late. He don't know it but, I am no longer in service.


I can't turn my back on myself anymore.  One step at a time, y'all... But I'm human. and like Lauryn Hill said... anything that aint changing... that aint growing... is dead. And I have so much life to live. I mean... can I live? I am a Queen, but I am not a God. I'm not perfect. Never said I was. I'm a regular person. I'm human. You gotta let me live.

& I'll be the judge of me.

Ask Ella: The Relationship Curve & Moving-In Together

Heyyy Ella, 
so ive got a question i was hoping you could answer in one of your blogs... Why do relationships seem to become so bad the longer they go on? Granted they all dont turn that way...but im currently single...and my last relationship of 8 months turned really bad once she moved in with me..in my opinion she got lazy...so whats your take on boyfriend and girlfriend moving in together?
-Concerned With Time. 

Dear Concerned,  

       People change. It's a natural part of the human experience of growth. Like Lauryn Hill said in her Unplugged album, "Anything that ain't changing is dead." You have to expect people to change over time or else you're deny them their basic right to live. 

       Still, change is mostly only apparent from the outside looking in. I can tell you how I've changed over the years: I talk different. I walk different. I even think different. While some people might consider that bad, I don't see anything wrong with it because my change was positive. I speak with authority now. I walk with my head held high now.I'm capable of thinking beyond myself now, with reason. If you expect a person to stay the same in any given situation, you're going to be disappointed. One thing I will say though is that no matter how much I change, I'm still the same person. We can change as much as we want, internally, we never change. 

    That's why if you decide to move in with someone, you can both know them entirely and not know them at all --at the same exact time. You can spend as much time as you want with a person, but there are things you might get sick of. Simple things like, she doesn't clean up after you like she used to. This could be because she "got lazy", or she might have always been lazy.. you just never had a chance to see it. When a woman wants a man, we tend to clean up after them. We want to show them that we can take care of the house. That we do  know how to clean. But when you move in with a guys (or practically move in, as was my case) you get tired of cleaning up after him. Why do I have to clean? For some men, the woman turns into a live-in maid. We used to clean up after you because we liked you, not because we had to. It's also a hassle to have to clean up after two people as opposed to just yourself. Cleaning up after yourself is even an issue if your moving from living with a parent --who always cleans up after you-- to moving by yourself. Its even worse when you go from living at home with mom, to living with a significant other. I think this is even harder for guys who fail to notice that their sock are no longer bunch up in that corner. Somehow --magically and mysteriously --the sock have washed, dried, paired themselves and settled back into your drawers. It's not magic, it's mom. 

     How exactly did she get lazy? You know, women can be lazy, too. I've written time and time again about my Sunday "Me" days. IT's about time men know that we can be just as lazy as they are, society just pressures us not to be. I literally lounge around all day on Sundays. I wash my hair, I do my nails & I read magazines. That's it. I don't want to do anything.  But the guys I'm dating don't see this. All they see when they met me is a well put together girl who looks like she spends time making everything pretty -- I do. I love pretty things, but I'm human. I need a rest. & I understand this applies to men, too. Actually, to men more than to women. We failed to understand that a man will be a man whether we're there or not. When he was at home with his mom, he was probably sitting on the couch, with a bag of Doritos, playing whatever video game was hot at the moment. Then they move in with us and we expect them to be different. Nope. Welcome to someone else's life. 

     Over time, two things happen: people get comfortable, and they grow. Once you get comfortable, you stop caring so much about the little things. This is why after a time, boyfriends stop taking you on dates. They don't hold you as often. They don't call you 'beautiful' like they used to. At the same rate, women stop paying attention to their men. We cook and clean less. We don't care if what we say hurts their feelings. We stop trying to impress him. At this point, neither one of us is who we used to be, unless we truly are who we used to be... or we grow together. Growth can tear a relationship apart in an assortment of ways. If one person progresses, while the other doesn't this can lead to a divide. Also, if you aren' fulfilling each other like you used to... this changes things. I suppose this is why young couples rarely last: because your needs, interests and expectations change overtime --for yourself and for your partner. 

       Making a relationship last is hard. You have to truly love that person and be willing to compromise once you see the ugliest side of them. Sometimes people simply can't deal with the ugly. You also need to be progressing and moving at the same rate which means that your life goals and expectations need to align. Think about it: How can you move forward with someone if you're headed in opposite directions? & you might have thought she got lazy... but only god knows what she thought of you. I can talk all i want about my ex, but I'm sure he doesn't have the prettiest memories of me. 

Then there's the ultimate reason: Maybe it was never meant to be anyway. 

      Personally, I don't plan on moving in with a man until after our engagement (approx. a year before marriage). There's no point of pretending to be married with someone you don't want (or plan to) marry. In my opinion, you being to build a pretend life. Then when you guys break up, you have to separate everything. The break up just turns into more of a process than it needs to be. Before marriage, I need to know exactly what is mine. I also need time to know that person. You have to like them as a person and as a roommate. Some people want to move in all for love and can't deal with the roommate aspect. Like... he/she won't do dishes. That's how it is when you live with someone. Anyone No matter who it is. So if you're not ready to deal with the roommate piece, you're not ready to live with your significant other. (God, I appreciate college). 

    You have to gauge for yourself when the right time to move in with someone is. For a woman, that means are you ready to clean up after him all the time? And for a man... are you ready to put up with her all the time? (See, pretend marriage). If you couldn't be married to that person, you shouldn't move in with them. I'm not saying you need the ring, but you need the sentiment. There's no more bringing people home after the club. There's no more saying you were asleep by 11 and that's why you didn't pick up the phone. You have to make a real commitment. 

      It'll take time to get to know who someone really is. Unless you wait long enough for that person to grow on their own... to be an adult in their own right. To know how to maturely handle arguments and chores. With time, you get to experience the entire person, from there you'll know if you really like them. Sadly, that takes time. Honestly, people just aren't as great as they seem to be. We have flaws beyond even the ones we notice of ourselves. Part-time & full-time relationships are two completely different beasts. 

     If life is a bitch, time is her son.  

       

PS: 
Get it? Son? Of a bitch?
 I had to make sure my joke went through! I know they aren;t the greatest, but I at least want them to be understandable lol. & explaining jokes always remind me of BIG's verse in Jay-Z's "Booklyn's Finest" :)