Sometimes you just wanna give someone a swift jab to the face. The reason is secondary, but the emotion remains. It's just so hard to deal with people. Always. All of them.
The first thing people see is what you look like. I'm 5'2 I'm not mad at it. I understand --it doesn't disgust me any less. I performed at The Paul Robeson Theatre this passed Saturday, January 12th (watch the videos here). I made it to the building at about 9pm & walked into the most beautiful faces I know: My family. My cousins are everything I have (If you haven't realized this yet, read my previous post, "XMas Presence"). I have trouble asking people to come out and spend their hard-earned money, so when this passed show came around, I invited everyone with a warning. Unless I can get you in free, I don't "invite". I don't think anyone should. "El quien invita paga," my mother says. He who invites, pays.
Our most fatal mistake occurs when we forget the extent to which
other people exist. We fail to see the completeness of their humanity. I don't expect support. Perhaps that's why I value it so much. I know people don't have to take the time out of their lives to watch me experiment with life. My cousin Jay has three kids he never forgets about so neither can I. My cousin Ed is the father of an Angry Birds champion. Aside from their lives as parents, they also have their own lives, careers, responsibilities, partners... everything. They exist outside of me and I respect that. I encourage it. We are individuals and need to lead our lives as such.
Once again, I've come to a crossroad and chosen my path with dedication and might: The right path. By "The Right Path" I don't mean that you should follow my exact footsteps. Actually, that's one of the things that peeves me the most. The world goes through stages and phases and these are the times when anyone with a keyboard is a "writer". No longer are writers those who have piles and piles of notebooks of genius under their beds, they've just got to sign up for a blogger account. No longer does a "rapper" have to love Hip-Hop, their lyrics have just got to meet their "n*gga" and "b*tch" quota. I'm highly judgmental. Especially if you're trying to do what I do. Especially if you're trying to do what I love. I can't count the times people tell me that want to "Be like" me. I always tell them they should just be like themselves. People don't seem to understand how hard it is to be me. "They think you're Superwoman," Carl said. I suppose they do. I need nothing, I have everything and I live in a lair on a cloud. Or maybe I'm Wonder Woman. Or maybe I'm both. Or maybe I'm me and (admit it) you have no idea what that means. Before you want to me, do me a favor and kiss your dead brother's cold cheeks.
Don't you hate pity? I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, instead understand the turmoil and how strong its made me. Our experiences shape us. I hate that I always bring up my dead brother but I really don't give a fuck. See, there has to come a point in your life when you realize that there needs to be a bigger purpose. You need understand that this is not forever. So what are you going to do about it? I'm not here for pity. I'm here to be everything my brother wanted me to be. So you see... I have a bigger purpose. When you sit down and do what you do (especially if you've sat down to do what I do) I encourage you to question yourself as I would question you. Why are you doing that? What exactly is the purpose? I know that some people read my blogs, follow my tweets and peruse my Instagram, but you only see that sh*t that looks good in photos. You don't see when I've got one dollar and the choice is to get a slice of pizza or give it to a beggar and hope God blesses me. You don't see. God sees everything tho. So does my brother. I don't think there's anything wrong with putting yourself on display (Beyoncé's gained some new haters with her February 2013 GQ cover CLICK HERE for photos) but you have to understand why you're doing that. Sometimes, it really just is marketing. But like with all marketing schemes, things get old, unless it's what makes people love you. The most consistent thing in the world is truth. Some people can see through bullsh*t and others can't I'm not here to distinguish the two, rather to be that which distinguishes the two.
I've learned a lot in the past couple of days.
- Congratulate those who come in second place.
- People aren't going to be you. And that's a good thing. Their existence is necessary to yours. If you want to be the best, you have to have something to be compared against.
- Support your competition
- People don't want to see you succeed unless you can take them with you. When they think you've joined their team, they'll forget to love you, but never stop loving that. That is what brings you ahead.
- Don't be distracted by faux foes
- They don't hate you like they claim to. Some people just like drama. To put themselves up against someone else gives them a bit of purpose. Never allow yourself to be concerned with it, it's just a distraction. Keep your head on right. You are alone and that is a virtue, for you hold all of your own power in your own hands.
- Do that sh*t
- Whatever it is. You'll never get rid of fear, you've just got to force yourself to face it. You never know what'll come of it. Be real and be natural and all else will follow the same path. You don't need to think about things as much you might have thought. Your heart is much more reliable than "they" say. Love is the only thing that doesn't need to be taught (unless its never experienced). Children love before they read.
I am a writer. It's what I do. I hold words like precious stones, stringing them together, assembling my words for ears like jewels for queens. I care. The fact of the matter is, I'm the best at doing what I do. Not because I say so, but because I do what I do with love and there's really no way to ignore it. Replicas will fall apart. it's "Truthful Tuesday," Ms. Mandy me dijo this morning.
If you wonder why I write, why I have this blog, why I rhyme, why I model here are your answers.
- I write because I am the best at it. I've been writing since I was 6. Words are the only things that work for me.
- I blog because I enjoy the Blogger platform, and I think you all do as well. ELLAthought isn't so that I can tell you how cool I am everyday, it's so that you understand that I grow daily. I have concerns daily. I'm not happy all the time but the energy that I put into the world is positive and I think we should all do the same. I'm not always positive, but I'm always human. I blog for girls/women like me who feel alone most of the time and sometimes are. We feel we have no one to talk to. No one who'll speak honestly. There are thoughts in our heads we think that only we have. I'm here to show that I'm just like you. We're really all the same --especially in the fact that we're not. Additionally, I want to show you that no matter the tough thoughts in your mind, the secrets you've yet to share and the thoughts that keep you up at night, not only can you be everything you want to be, but you can be more.
- I rhyme because rhyming is dope. If I were a painter, I'd have ventured into graffiti. But words are my art and Hip Hop is my culture. Music still scares me. & Poetry bores me after a while.
- I model because people like to see it. And you wouldn't read my blog if you didn't think I was pretty. You're all as shallow as you try not to be. People read this sh*t because either they love me or hate me. You don't understand how happy people get in pointing out spelling errors as if to jab at my intellect. I let them have that. F*ck editing. I hope you consider me an immiscible so it'll bit you in the ass one day. I'm a f*cking genius. I was just brought up under a curse and called a mistake so I include them in my prose as I've included them in my being.& my being is beautiful. I still don't understand what people see in my and every "like" I get amazes me, to be honest. I've never liked what I look like... but I've begun to force myself. I see my flaws clear as day. I'm trying to get over that.
- I don't care because those who love me love me and I love everyone, even if they hate. Take notes from the video before. More people should applaud me.
I want you all to know me. The real me. I have a heart and a family and feelings. I feel fear and anger and loneliness, but mostly I feel love. I feel love for those who love me as well as those who don't. I'm become a better person by the day and God blesses me for my righteousness. I've never felt so comfortable in my heart. I want you all to feel like this. Someday, when I'm a filthy rich as I aim to be, I want you all to know that I deserved it. I don't just want to be pretty. I don't just want to be on stage. What I really want is for everybody I know to be good. I want us to be able to go anywhere we want and do anything we want to do at any time of our choosing. I saw a grandmother on the train this morning with her grandkids. They were riding with her to the train. I don't want my mother on a train traveling to see her grandkids. I'ma send a car to her door. She'll forget what doorknobs feel like and she ain't even gotta carry her purse if she don't feel like it. #BelleeeeeDat.
& that, ladies and gents... is the truth of it.
<3 ELLA
