Natural Thought

         I realized that people have far too many feelings. I can't handle all the feelings. As I thought about what my next post would be, I considered what it should be about. I also considered what it shouldn't be about. Every once in a while I get caught in the web of how much of my life should I tell the world. And I tell myself that I should tell everyone everything. I have nothing to hide. Then again, sometimes, I feel pressured to write on certain topics because I don't want anyone to feel left out. I don't want people I love to think I don't love them.  Especially if I'm not there to prove otherwise. I don't want people to act like I'm not out here passing out business cards like "fuck n*ggas, get money." I've got a lot on my mind. But it's mostly business. & I can't let too much interfere with business. 

           I've stopped listening to music while I shower. I try to give myself space to have natural thought. The music we listen to is a result of our emotions in the moment... or they bring forth thoughts that can lead you in any given direction. I shower in silence because I need to know what I'm thinking and where those thoughts go on their own. The Ask Ella shit wore me out. I thought I could give advice to people, and I can... I like to. I should, actually, but people don't want to hear the truth. They only want to hear the truth about you... even more so, they want to hear what they think is the truth about you. They dress you up as a character they expect you to fill. And we do it. To please others we watch the language and tone of our voices to be what? Respectful? To sound more educated? To sound like you don't care? To prove something. Everything you say and do is directly representative of how you feel. You can't escape it. You don't control your body. You are the body. Your mind does the rest without you noticing. It smirks. It flinches. It exudes courage and/or cowardliness --whatever your taste. But it will be your true taste. And the world will find out exactly what you're made of when it eats you alive. 

      The 3 Train is my most favorite in the world. I meet the most beautiful people on that train. But anywhere you find the best of anything, you must brace yourself with experiencing the worst. There was a girl on my train recently and she was beautiful. & she had black skinny jeans on with the best patent leather boots I've seen. They were red with black piping, if I remember correctly :) We exchanged smiles, laughed at a cute white lady together, and continued our trip Uptown. At 125, a (idk if he was a bum, or drunk or what but you can choose the noun) came in through the cart ahead of us. As he walked by he made a hand motion at the girl that look to me like a... scoff. I had never seen one in person, but he had it. Hand motion & all. Exactly as I would image it. Now idk what was wrong with this man, but someone upset him. You see, the girl in the boots is actually a boy. Which makes her more gorgeous because at least she has the balls to be who she wants to be and she looked happy. People don't want you to be happy. Not because they have it out for you, but because they expect to be unhappy. They think that being unhappy is the correct response. You can't let anything make you unhappy. No matter how bad it is. You have to love your life with all of your heart because it's yours. You have one.  That is a blessing. 

       I'm still here guys... I'm bustin my ass at work. Bustin my ass on this blog. Bustin my ass to stay happy. There's just too many feelings in the world around me that I need to sort out. And before I can speak to you all about it, I have to speak to myself. I have to speak to my feelings. Then to the feelings of those involved in those feelings. I've decided it's fine to share stories as long as you're managing your life on your own. Take hold of your life. Your happiness. & I'm trying to stay... alive. Mentally, you know. With this blog shit, I feel like I could easily lose myself. I could easily lose the point of this whole thing. I'm here to tell you all the truth. But can't no one force me to grow before my time. I'm learning how alone I am. Not... emotionally, but as a being. You're not attached to anything. At least I'm not. I can go anywhere. I can do anything. I made plans with some guy to climb a mountain in April *shrugs* I decided that for my birthday, I wanna feel like I'm on top of the world. My ego deserve it. Fuck it.  Mary's coming, though. lol.